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| Achewood - May 21, 2002 | {{Alt-text: spokesman of the disappointed}} / [[Philippe looks pensive]]
/ Philippe: Gosh, how do you commit suicide? Maybe if I eat lots of super-hot chili sauce... / Philippe: or take way too hot of a shower? / [[Philippe continues to think]] / [[Philippe has an epiphany!]]
/ Philippe: I know! / [[Philippe jubilantly goes off in search of boiling gravy]]
/ Philippe: I'll pour boiling gravy into my eyes! That oughta do me in! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05212002 |
| Achewood - May 21, 2004 | GREAT MOMENTS IN TELEVISION (TM) Presents The Series Finale of "FRIENDS" Brought to you by ROOMBA! THE ROBOTIC FLOOR VAC / [[Roast Beef is standing on a Roomba, in a tie and button-up, short-sleeve shirt.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh hey vaguely rememberable brunette guy / [[Roast Beef swivels on the Roomba.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05212004 |
| Achewood - May 21, 2007 | [[Panel heading: A SECOND OPINION. Ray is in on his cordless telephone.]]
/ Ray: Help us out, Beef. We got a situation that is much at hand. / [[Shown are Envelópe Martinez and a father-and-son team of tie-wearing protesters.]]
/ Ray: Well, like, Envelópe Martinez has a bunch of cars and Christian fundamentalists on his lawn. It's bad for property values, man. Precedent. / [[Roast Beef, on the phone.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright I'll take care of it just give me some time with Téodor and the printer / [[Panel heading: SOON. Roast Beef is wearing a backwards baseball cap and brandishing cards in his left hand; the father-and-son team watch from the sidelines.]]
/ Roast Beef: TASTE THE VALUE, CRAVE THE FLAVOR! FREE SANDWICH AT CARRBORO'S! GET YOUR COUPONS HERE! THE LAST HONEST MEAL! / [[The card is shown, reading: AMERICA'S LAST HOT, HONEST FREE! Cheese Sandwich. The price you used to crave, the taste you came to love. NEAREST LOCATION #3918 @ 112 W BENSON]] / [[Panel heading: (FLIP-SIDE.) The text reads: OUR STORY. The year: 1933. The Great Depression. Apple lines. Edwin T. Carrboro, a restaurateur from Chicago, believed one thing: any American, no matter how down on his luck, deserved at least one free cheese sandwich -- just for living in the greatest nation on God's green earth. Unlikely as it sounds, his generosity single-handedly gave Americans the hope they needed to turn their country around.]] / [[Back at Ray's. Ray has lined up three shot glasses and is filling the first as Roast Beef looks on, still wearing the baseball cap.]]
/ Ray: Man, those guys got gone and stayed gone! You ain't leavin' here 'til you knock down this lineup 'a Cragganmore, dogg.
/ Roast Beef: Oh man you know I get all clopsy on the Scotch
/ Ray: BATTER UP! / [[Panel heading: HOURS PASS... Ray is holding a martini and has his arm around Beef, who is drinking from an old-fashioned glass.]]
/ Ray: Oh, bag that. You're the man! You're the man in like seventy ways. / [[Ray and Roast Beef look out a window into a dark, empty yard.]]
/ Ray: Speakin' of which, when you gonna make an honest woman outta Molly? Don't dodge this one!
/ Roast Beef: Man you know my opinion on marriage is that it is a concept invented by friends who want free appetizers / Ray: I ain't just buggin' 'cause I like tiny quiche, man. You know she's got gifts for you for like the next three years hidden in my attic?
/ Roast Beef: Dang man no but I believe it
/ Roast Beef: She's always remembering things I say / [[Ray and Beef have moved from the window.]]
/ Ray: This world ain't nothin' but bad news and the pills that go with it, and here you got a girl who's thinkin' about your Christmas present in March.
/ Roast Beef: Damn man what you're talkin' about is basically a thing / Ray: Could be, doesn't have to be. A dude walks down a street and a plane lands on his head; he never did what mattered. Just sayin'.
/ Roast Beef: Still though man slippery slope to a cradle and a mortgage and a grave
/ Ray: You even think for a minute there's some better way to play it? / {{Alt text: Envelópe got chica eyebrows and a bathroom dye job.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05212007 |
| Achewood - May 21, 2007 | [[Panel heading: A SECOND OPINION. Ray is in on his cordless telephone.]]
/ Ray: Help us out, Beef. We got a situation that is much at hand. / [[Shown are Envelópe Martinez and a father-and-son team of tie-wearing protesters. Ray speaks from off-frame.]]
/ Ray: Well, like, Envelópe Martinez has a bunch of cars and Christian fundamentalists on his lawn. It's bad for property values, man. Precedent. / [[Cut to Roast Beef on the phone.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright I'll take care of it just give me some time with Téodor and the printer / [[Panel heading: SOON. Roast Beef is wearing a backwards baseball cap and brandishing cards in his left hand; the father-and-son team watch from the sidelines.]]
/ Roast Beef: TASTE THE VALUE, CRAVE THE FLAVOR! FREE SANDWICH AT CARRBORO'S! GET YOUR COUPONS HERE! THE LAST HONEST MEAL! / [[The card is shown, reading: AMERICA'S LAST HOT, HONEST FREE! Cheese Sandwich. The price you used to crave, the taste you came to love. NEAREST LOCATION #3918 @ 112 W BENSON]] / [[Panel heading: (FLIP-SIDE.) The text reads: OUR STORY. The year: 1933. The Great Depression. Apple lines. Edwin T. Carrboro, a restaurateur from Chicago, believed one thing: any American, no matter how down on his luck, deserved at least one free cheese sandwich -- just for living in the greatest nation on God's green earth. Unlikely as it sounds, his generosity single-handedly gave Americans the hope they needed to turn their country around.]] / [[Back at Ray's. Ray has lined up three shot glasses and is filling the first as Roast Beef looks on, still wearing the baseball cap.]]
/ Ray: Man, those guys got gone and stayed gone! You ain't leavin' here 'til you knock down this lineup 'a Cragganmore, dogg.
/ Roast Beef: Oh man you know I get all clopsy on the Scotch
/ Ray: BATTER UP! / [[Panel heading: HOURS PASS... Ray is holding a martini and has his arm around Beef, who is drinking from an old-fashioned glass. Roast Beef is singing.]]
/ Ray: Oh, bag that. You're the man! You're the man in like seventy ways.
/ Roast Beef, singing: ...oh WHOOOOO'S the guy... ...GUEST-STARRING in his own life... / [[Ray and Roast Beef look out a window into a dark, empty yard.]]
/ Ray: Speakin' of which, when you gonna make an honest woman outta Molly? Don't dodge this one!
/ Roast Beef: Man you know my opinion on marriage is that it is a concept invented by friends who want free appetizers / Ray: I ain't just buggin' 'cause I like tiny quiche, man. You know she's got gifts for you for like the next three years hidden in my attic?
/ Roast Beef: Dang man no but I believe it
/ Roast Beef: She's always remembering things I say / [[Ray and Beef have moved from the window.]]
/ Ray: This world ain't nothin' but bad news and the pills that go with it, and here you got a girl who's thinkin' about your Christmas present in March.
/ Roast Beef: Damn man what you're talkin' about is basically a thing / Ray: Could be, doesn't have to be. A dude walks down a street and a plane lands on his head; he never did what mattered. Just sayin'.
/ Roast Beef: Still though man slippery slope to a cradle and a mortgage and a grave
/ Ray: You even think for a minute there's some better way to play it? / {{Alt text: Envelópe got chica eyebrows and a bathroom dye job.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05212007 |
| Achewood - May 21, 2007 | [[Panel heading: A SECOND OPINION. Ray is in on his cordless telephone.]]
/ Ray: Help us out, Beef. We got a situation that is much at hand. / [[Shown are Envelópe Martinez and a father-and-son team of tie-wearing protesters.]]
/ Ray: Well, like, Envelópe Martinez has a bunch of cars and Christian fundamentalists on his lawn. It's bad for property values, man. Precedent. / [[Roast Beef, on the phone.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright I'll take care of it just give me some time with Téodor and the printer / [[Panel heading: SOON. Roast Beef is wearing a backwards baseball cap and brandishing cards in his left hand; the father-and-son team watch from the sidelines.]]
/ Roast Beef: TASTE THE VALUE, CRAVE THE FLAVOR! FREE SANDWICH AT CARRBORO'S! GET YOUR COUPONS HERE! THE LAST HONEST MEAL! / [[The card is shown, reading: AMERICA'S LAST HOT, HONEST FREE! Cheese Sandwich. The price you used to crave, the taste you came to love. NEAREST LOCATION #3918 @ 112 W BENSON]] / [[Panel heading: (FLIP-SIDE.) The text reads: OUR STORY. The year: 1933. The Great Depression. Apple lines. Edwin T. Carrboro, a restaurateur from Chicago, believed one thing: any American, no matter how down on his luck, deserved at least one free cheese sandwich -- just for living in the greatest nation on God's green earth. Unlikely as it sounds, his generosity single-handedly gave Americans the hope they needed to turn their country around.]] / [[Back at Ray's. Ray has lined up three shot glasses and is filling the first as Roast Beef looks on, still wearing the baseball cap.]]
/ Ray: Man, those guys got gone and stayed gone! You ain't leavin' here 'til you knock down this lineup 'a Cragganmore, dogg.
/ Roast Beef: Oh man you know I get all clopsy on the Scotch
/ Ray: BATTER UP! / [[Panel heading: HOURS PASS... Ray is holding a martini and has his arm around Beef, who is drinking from an old-fashioned glass.]]
/ Roast Beef: ...oh WHOOOOO'S the guy... ...GUEST-STARRING in his own life...
/ Ray: Oh, bag that. You're the man! You're the man in like seventy ways. / [[Ray and Roast Beef look out a window into a dark, empty yard.]]
/ Ray: Speakin' of which, when you gonna make an honest woman outta Molly? Don't dodge this one!
/ Roast Beef: Man you know my opinion on marriage is that it is a concept invented by friends who want free appetizers / Ray: I ain't just buggin' 'cause I like tiny quiche, man. You know she's got gifts for you for like the next three years hidden in my attic?
/ Roast Beef: Dang man no but I believe it
/ Roast Beef: She's always remembering things I say / [[Ray and Beef have moved from the window.]]
/ Ray: This world ain't nothin' but bad news and the pills that go with it, and here you got a girl who's thinkin' about your Christmas present in March.
/ Roast Beef: Damn man what you're talkin' about is basically a thing / Ray: Could be, doesn't have to be. A dude walks down a street and a plane lands on his head; he never did what mattered. Just sayin'.
/ Roast Beef: Still though man slippery slope to a cradle and a mortgage and a grave
/ Ray: You even think for a minute there's some better way to play it? / {{Alt text: Envelópe got chica eyebrows and a bathroom dye job.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05212007 |
| Achewood § May 21, 2010 | [[Mayner and Lurquilla are looking out their window]]
/ Mayner: DAMN'ET, LURQUILLA! ALL THET CHITTERCHAT AN' HE DONE RUN OFF!
/ Lurquilla: WELL WHYN'T THET SUCH A BAD THING THEN, MAYNER? / Mayner: 'CAUSE HE'N GONE GET HIT BY A VEE-HICKLE AN' ALL HIS DNA EVIDENCE IS SETTIN' IN A LIL' HUCKITY-PUCK ON OUR FRONT GRASS! / Lurquilla: SO TOSSET'N THE CRICK AN' LET THE CRAW-DAD ET IT! / Mayner: THEM FBI GONE SEARCH THE AREA BUT GOOD WIT' DAWGS AN THEM DAWGS GONE SMELL HIS DNA WHAR IT SOAKT IN THE ROOTS OF THAT GRASS! ... SOME STINK YOU CAIN'T WASH 'WAY, WOMAN! IT'S JUST NATCHER! / Lurquilla: WELL WHEN'T THEY GET HERE YOU GONE TELL THEM A ACID DOODIE BOY DONE CRAPPED THE LAWN! WHY THEY'D CARE 'BOUT YOU? YOU'S INNOCENT OF IT ALL! / Mayner: I'S INNOCENT OF HIS FILTHY DEED BUT THEY COME IN HERE THEY GONE SEE ALL THEM PITCHERS'N'BOOKS 'BOUT CHERN-CHILLA RAISIN' AN' THEY'S GON' GO'N CHECK THE WOODSHED! ... IT'S PROBABLE CAUSE FER SHURE! / Lurquilla: NOOOOO! THEY KEN'T TAKE MAH BAYBEES, MAYNER! THEY KEN'T NOT A ONE OF 'EM! / Mayner: AN' THET'S WHY AH KEN'T TOSS THEM POOPIES IN THE CRICK, WOMAN! I GOT TO STAGE A LAWN-FIRE WHAT LOOKS CAUSEABLE! / Lurquilla: WELL YOU BERN DOWN THE LAWN THEN MAYNER I'M GON' CHECK ON MY BAYBEE CHERNCHILLAS WHAT NEED ME SO. / Mayner: I'MA JUST TORCH UP THET OLE MOWER WHAT RUSTED OUT AN' I NEVER PAID FOR ANYWAYS ... IT IS SENSIBLE WHAT IT WOULD BE ON THE LAWN GIVEN WHAT IT IS. / [[The turd.]] / [[The mower is moved over the turd.]] / [[Gasoline is poured on the mower.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05212010 |
| Achewood - May 22, 2002 | {{Alt-text: she could stand up freely inside the car; she was his wife; they are both gone now}} / [[Philippe looks dejected]]
/ Rats! No hot gravy anywhere! / Philippe: Maybe I'll just hold my breath until I die! / [[Philippe begins to hold his breath.]] / [[Philippe continues to hold his breath.]] / [[Philippe, still alive, taps his foot impatiently.]] / [[Philippe, still holding his breath, storms off angrily]]
/ Philippe: This isn't working at all! / [[Philippe comes across his mirror and sees himself holding his breath]] / [[Philippe starts breathing again, his reflection sticks out its tongue.]]
/ Philippe's Reflection: Retard! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05222002 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=05222003">http://achewood.com/?date=05222003 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - May 22, 2006 | [[Roast Beef and Ray. Roast Beef is wearing his new aluminum foil underpants]]
/ Ray: Dude, what are you wearing? That ain't like you! / Roast Beef: Man check this out these are so nice Molly made me some aluminum foil undies to keep all the cancer-causin' cell phone electromagnetic signals outta my privates / [[Ray is crouched down to get a better view]]
/ Ray: You know, I been readin' a lot about that lately. / Roast Beef: Yeah but even on the double-plus side is this cantilever phone unit holder Makes it feel like there is a really nice familiar weight hangin' off the front of your body / Ray: Itchy leg syndrome, like amputees get! Missin' something that ain't there! / {{title text: SOON.}}
/ [[Ray and Roast Beef, both in aluminum foil cell phone underpants]]
/ Ray: Damn, talk about the missing link! Havin' that weight hangin' there is totally releasin' wonderful hormones in my brain!
/ Roast Beef: I know don't you just feel like a king / Ray: Dogg! What if, in prehistoric times, everyone had large dongs?
/ Roast Beef: Right like they might have got smaller during the last ice age so as not to release so much essential heat / Ray: But, to this day, we miss them! No wonder society is so screwed up! *We're all standing around wondering where our real dongs are!* / Roast Beef: But look at us we are feeling all Zen-like because we have triggered the release of a long-lost bliss hormone
/ Ray: It's like, when a guy in traffic is honking, in a way he is actually *crying out for his own dong!*
/ {{hover text: This implies that the modern dong is vestigial.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05222006 |
| Achewood - May 22, 2007 | [[Roast Beef is outside, walking in dark and rain.]]
/ Roast Beef, thought: "Will you marry me"
/ Roast Beef, thought: The high school film shows atom bomb test footage where shocked houses lean back then explode
/ Roast Beef, thought: Jesus man it's like we walk around with dynamite in our mouths / Roast Beef, thought: "I have a gun. Put the money in the bag."
/ Roast Beef, thought: "Will you marry me"
/ Roast Beef, thought: "Tell the pilot there is a bomb on this plane" / [[Shown is a frame from a blurry filmstrip, starring Roast Beef in black hair and wearing shirt and tie. A caption reads: NATIONAL SENTENCE COUNCIL]]
/ Roast Beef: Built just like regular sentences, these sentences can in an instant transform forever the life of their speaker! / {{Alt text: The missing fourth panel has a pig in goggles getting pretty badly harmed by a sentence.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05222007 |
| Achewood - May 22, 2008 | [[Night time. Exterior. Ray Smuckles and Nice Pete sit in a stationary car in the secret redwood patch. Ray grips the steering wheel, agitated. In the passenger seat, Pete wears an expression of weary frustration.]] / Narrator: Having plumbed the depths of the man, I finished our session, frustrated. / Ray: People hella wig on ahi, but to me it just don't taste like much. Emperor has no clothes. / [[Ray throws his hands in the air.]] Ray: Everyone's like, "Oh Japanese guy, you are not American so your tasting must be so much better than mine!" / Ray: "I hate myself for only liking hot crusty steaks! I am dumb!" / [[Ray drapes an arm out of the car window with exhuausted resignation.]] / Narrator: As we parted, he mentioned that he did not care if I completed his biography. / Ray: 'Sall the same to me, homeness. / [[Interior. Pete sits at a desk, writing]] / Narrator: I am an honest man of my word, though, so I had no choice but to publish something. Anything. / [[Close-up on brochure cover.]] / Narrator: In the end I decided on a format that would suit my patron best. / Text on brochure cover: Ray Smuckles The Brochure with Peter H. Cropes, known author / [[Close-up on inside page of brochure]] / Narrator: My biography honored him as well as his life could allow. / Text on page: ABSTRACT Ray Smuckles, a good man, was born hot and licked clean by his momma. The rest is history. MAIN DETAILS Ray makes his living as a "mutual conduit" between "rap" and "the extremely entertained." Ray has an URL, though he can't precisely remember it. He 'aint in the way of computers too hard. / {{title text: The conduit exacts a fee, much like an ohm in a wire.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05222008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05222009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05222009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - May 23, 2002 | [[Ray and Roast Beef sit at a desk, Roast Beef's at the computer, Ray's leaning back with a phone headset on]]
/ Ray: So, Roast Beef, what are you gonna buy with your first million?
/ Roast Beef: I kind of need to get a new mouse-pad this one's all dilapidated / [[Ray waves his arms emphatically]]
/ Ray: That's it?! You gotta think big, Beef! You gotta buy a baseball team or a Bentley or something! / [[Roast Beef turns toward Ray]]
/ Roast Beef: I guess I would open a home for scared people http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232002 |
| Achewood - May 23, 2003 | Ray: Can't we prank Cathy TOMORROW? I'm tired.
/ Beef: She's the last one on the list Come on Ray / Ray: All right. But I ain't got a lotta firepower.
/ Beef: You won't need it / Ray: Hello- Cathy? / Cathy: Hello! This is Cathy! Ack! Sorry, I just got out of the shower and I'm not even dressed yet! ACK!!! Where's my TOWEL? / (Ray undresses) / Ray: Now I gently push you back against the pillows. I pull you close and breathe you in. Your scent is delicious. / Cathy: Ack! It's just Johnson & Johnson! No More Tears!!! It's all I use! / Ray: Cathy... Cathy...have my retarded baby http://achewood.com/?date=05232003 |
| Achewood - May 23, 2003 | Ray: Can't we prank Cathy TOMORROW? I'm tired.
/ Beef: She's the last one on the list Come on Ray / Ray: All right. But I ain't got a lotta firepower.
/ Beef: You won't need it / Ray: Hello- Cathy? / Cathy: Hello! This is Cathy! Ack! Sorry, I just got out of the shower and I'm not even dressed yet! ACK!!! Where's my TOWEL? / [[Ray checks the room to make sure he's alone.]] / [[Ray unzips his track jacket.]] / [[SOON]]
/ Ray: Now I gently push you back against the pillows. I pull you close and breathe you in. Your scent is delicious. / Cathy: Ack! It's just Johnson & Johnson! No More Tears!!! It's all I use! / Ray: Cathy... Cathy...have my retarded baby http://achewood.com/?date=05232003 |
| Cathy | Ray: Can't we prank Cathy TOMORROW? I'm tired. / Roast Beef: She's the last on the list come on Ray / Ray: All right. But I ain't got a lotta firepower. / Roast Beef: You won't need it. / Ray: Hello- Cathy? / Cathy: Hello! This is Cathy! Ack!
/ Sorry, I just got out of the shower, and I'm not even dressed yet! ACK!!! Where's my TOWEL?! / [[Ray looks around]] / [[Ray unbuttons sweatsuit]] / [[SOON]]
/ Ray: Now I gently push you back against the pillows.
/ I pull you close and breathe you in. Your scent is delicious / Cathy: Ack! It's just Johnson & Johnson! No More Tears!!! It's all I use! / Ray: Cathy...
/ Cathy...have my retarded baby / {{alt text: Ray is a straight up sexual being}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232003 |
| Cathy | Ray: Can't we prank Cathy TOMORROW? I'm tired. / Roast Beef: She's the last on the list come on Ray / Ray: All right. But I ain't got a lotta firepower. / Roast Beef: You won't need it. / Ray: Hello- Cathy? / Cathy: Hello! This is Cathy! Ack!
/ Sorry, I just got out of the shower, and I'm not even dressed yet! ACK!!! Where's my TOWEL?! / [[Ray looks around]] / [[Ray unbuttons sweatsuit]] / [[SOON]]
/ Ray: Now I gently push you back against the pillows.
/ I pull you close and breathe you in. Your scent is delicious / Cathy: Ack! It's just Johnson & Johnson! No More Tears!!! It's all I use! / Ray: Cathy...
/ Cathy...have my retarded baby / {{alt text: Ray is a straight up sexual being}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232003 |
| Achewood - May 23, 2005 | [[Ray looks out window, crying]]
/ Ray: Cornelius! Get in! you're old and you gonna do urine on yourself! / Cornelius: What on earth are you talking about? / [[aerial shot of the car pulled over and Cornelius on the sidewalk]]
/ Ray: Cornelius, listen to me! Why come manhole covers are round? Try to think of an answer, but if not it's ok! / Cornelius: Why are you asking me these things? What are you two up to? / Ray (to Roast Beef): Oh my god! It's end-stage dementia! I need two units of O-neg and a crash cart! / Roast Beef (holding head as he screams): You watch too much medical dramas Ray YOU WATCH TOO MUCH MEDICAL DRAMAS! / Ray (crying harder, holding own head): Stop yelling at me! A BLOO BLA BLOOO! A BLOO BLOO BLOOOOOOO! BLOO BLOO! / Ray: I'm LEAVING! I HATE you! / Ray (stepping out of Volvo): It's just you and me, Cornelius! Us against the world! I'll change your pants, I'll chew your food! 'Cause LIFE'S A BITCH! / [[Ray steps onto the gorund]] / [[Ray turns suddenly as door closes, looking surprised]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232005 |
| Achewood - May 23, 2005 | [[Ray looks out window, crying]]
/ Ray: Cornelius! Get in! you're old and you gonna do urine on yourself! / Cornelius: What on earth are you talking about? / [[aerial shot of the car pulled over and Cornelius on the sidewalk]]
/ Ray: Cornelius, listen to me! Why come manhole covers are round? Try to think of an answer, but if not it's ok! / Cornelius: Why are you asking me these things? What are you two up to? / Ray (to Roast Beef): Oh my god! It's end-stage dementia! I need two units of O-neg and a crash cart! / Roast Beef (holding head as he screams): You watch too much medical dramas Ray YOU WATCH TOO MUCH MEDICAL DRAMAS! / Ray (crying harder, holding own head): Stop yelling at me! A BLOO BLA BLOOO! A BLOO BLOO BLOOOOOOO! BLOO BLOO! / Ray: I'm LEAVING! I HATE you! / Ray (stepping out of Volvo): It's just you and me, Cornelius! Us against the world! I'll change your pants, I'll chew your food! 'Cause LIFE'S A BITCH! / [[Ray steps onto the gorund]] / [[Ray turns suddenly as door closes, looking surprised]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232005 |
| Achewood - May 23, 2005 | [[Ray looks out window, crying]]
/ Ray: Cornelius! Get in! you're old and you gonna do urine on yourself! / Cornelius: What on earth are you talking about? / [[aerial shot of the car pulled over and Cornelius on the sidewalk]]
/ Ray: Cornelius, listen to me! Why come manhole covers are round? Try to think of an answer, but if not it's ok! / Cornelius: Why are you asking me these things? What are you two up to? / Ray (to Roast Beef): Oh my god! It's end-stage dementia! I need two units of O-neg and a crash cart! / Roast Beef (holding head as he screams): You watch too much medical dramas Ray YOU WATCH TOO MUCH MEDICAL DRAMAS! / Ray (crying harder, holding own head): Stop yelling at me! A BLOO BLA BLOOO! A BLOO BLOO BLOOOOOOO! BLOO BLOO! / Ray: I'm LEAVING! I HATE you! / Ray (stepping out of Volvo): It's just you and me, Cornelius! Us against the world! I'll change your pants, I'll chew your food! 'Cause LIFE'S A BITCH! / [[Ray steps onto the gorund]] / [[Ray turns suddenly as door closes, looking surprised]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232005 |
| Achewood - May 23, 2005 | [[Ray looks out window, crying]]
/ Ray: Cornelius! Get in! you're old and you gonna do urine on yourself! / Cornelius: What on earth are you talking about? / [[aerial shot of the car pulled over and Cornelius on the sidewalk]]
/ Ray: Cornelius, listen to me! Why come manhole covers are round? Try to think of an answer, but if not it's ok! / Cornelius: Why are you asking me these things? What are you two up to? / Ray (to Roast Beef): Oh my god! It's end-stage dementia! I need two units of O-neg and a crash cart! / Roast Beef (holding head as he screams): You watch too much medical dramas Ray YOU WATCH TOO MUCH MEDICAL DRAMAS! / Ray (crying harder, holding own head): Stop yelling at me! A BLOO BLA BLOOO! A BLOO BLOO BLOOOOOOO! BLOO BLOO! / Ray: I'm LEAVING! I HATE you! / Ray (stepping out of Volvo): It's just you and me, Cornelius! Us against the world! I'll change your pants, I'll chew your food! 'Cause LIFE'S A BITCH! / [[Ray steps onto the gorund]] / [[Ray turns suddenly as door closes, looking surprised]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232005 |
| Achewood - May 23, 2006 Scientific Dong Study | [[Ray and Roast Beef are standing together wearing Molly's cancer-protection/vestigial dong underwear]]
/ Ray: Okay then. Let's run some tests. We got to see what the optimal weight to hang off the front of the body is.
/ Roast Beef: Sciencecize it cool / [[Ray reaches for a plastic cup from a cabinet]]
/ Ray: Here, I'm going to put a big plastic cup where my phone holder is, and you pour water into it one ounce at a time. I'll notice how I feel as the cup gets heavier. / {{Soon}}
/ [[Roast Beef is lowered on one knee pouring water into the plastic cup from a glass measuring cup in Ray's cell phone holder on the underpants.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright dogg there is one ounce how does that feel / [[Ray is looking down at the plastic cup, hands around his waist]]
/ Ray: Normal. I feel really normal. / [[Roast Beef on bended knee pouring into the plastic cup again]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright that's two / [[Ray moves. Roast beef, still on bended knee with the glass measuring cup in his hand, looks up at Ray with surprise.]]
/ Ray: Whoa! Night and day! One more ounce and I feel FOUR times happier. / [[Roast Beef in the pouring position again.]]
/ Roast Beef: Huh seems to be exponential Alright here's three / [[As viewed through glass: Ray has thrown up his arms, and he is whistling or hooting with glee as Roast Beef still pours.]] / [[As viewed through glass: Roast Beef is still on one knee, but has stopped pouring. Ray is smiling and stands with his arms apart in a stance that suggests he is explaining something.]] / [[As viewed through glass: Ray is pointing to his cup and looking at Roast Beef like he is making a command. Roast Beef is still on one knee with the measuring glass, but he is now frowning angrily.]] / [[Still viewed through glass: Roast Beef is still on one knee with an angry appearance and has taken cup from Ray's underpants. Ray's mouth is open in shock, and his arms are out as if to take the cup or plea or reason with Roast Beef.]] / [[Still viewed through glass: Ray is standing with his shoulder's slumped, arms at his side, and pouting. Roast Beef is still on one knee, still angry, glaring at Ray, as he pours the plastic cup's water back into the measuring glass.]] / [[A view of a window. The upper half of Téodor's head is visible as he looks out from the window with the inner half of his eyebrows arched either in sadness or confusion.]] / {{alt text: This could be therapeutic...something you wear around the house, during winter or after a bad day at the office, to prevent SO-SAD.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232006 |
| Achewood - May 23, 2006 Scientific Dong Study | [[Ray and Roast Beef are standing together wearing Molly's cancer-protection/vestigial dong underwear]]
/ Ray: Okay then. Let's run some tests. We got to see what the optimal weight to hang off the front of the body is.
/ Roast Beef: Sciencize it cool / [[Ray reaches for a plastic cup from a cabinet]]
/ Ray: Here, I'm going to put a big plastic cup where my phone holder is, and you pour water into it one ounce at a time. I'll notice how I feel as the cup gets heavier. / {{Soon}}
/ [[Roast Beef is lowered on one knee pouring water into the plastic cup from a glass measuring cup in Ray's cell phone holder on the underpants.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright dogg there is one ounce how does that feel / [[Ray is looking down at the plastic cup, hands around his waist]]
/ Ray: Normal. I feel really normal. / [[Roast Beef on bended knee pouring into the plastic cup again]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright that's two / [[Ray moves. Roast beef, still on bended knee with the glass measuring cup in his hand, looks up at Ray with surprise.]]
/ Ray: Whoa! Night and day! One more ounce and I feel FOUR times happier. / [[Roast Beef in the pouring position again.]]
/ Roast Beef: Huh seems to be exponential Alright here's three / [[As viewed through glass: Ray has thrown up his arms, and he is whistling or hooting with glee as Roast Beef still pours.]] / [[As viewed through glass: Roast Beef is still on one knee, but has stopped pouring. Ray is smiling and stands with his arms apart in a stance that suggests he is explaining something.]] / [[As viewed through glass: Ray is pointing to his cup and looking at Roast Beef like he is making a command. Roast Beef is still on one knee with the measuring glass, but he is now frowning angrily.]] / [[Still viewed through glass: Roast Beef is still on one knee with an angry appearance and has taken cup from Ray's underpants. Ray's mouth is open in shock, and his arms are out as if to take the cup or plea or reason with Roast Beef.]] / [[Still viewed through glass: Ray is standing with his shoulder's slumped, arms at his side, and pouting. Roast Beef is still on one knee, still angry, glaring at Ray, as he pours the plastic cup's water back into the measuring glass.]] / [[A view of a window. The upper half of Téodor's head is visible as he looks out from the window with the inner half of his eyebrows arched either in sadness or confusion.]] / {{alt text: This could be therapeutic...something you wear around the house, during winter or after a bad day at the office, to prevent SO-SAD.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232006 |
| Love On Paper | [[Roast Beef, wearing a hoodie, walking alone, thinks:]]"Will you marry me"
/ ...and just like that two folks set in motion the greatest and most drawn-out tragedy which is namely that in fifty years one of them has promised to sit there and watch the person that matters the most to them die
/ And that's the best-case scenario / Roast Beef [[Thinking]]: Man Ray doesn't have to go through any of this stomach-achin' existential mess and lose his soup in the sink in stolen moments besides
/ He just gets to act all The Man 'cause he likes love
/ [[Beef vaults over the edge of a bridge: "PUBLIC BRIDGE - 1902"]] / [[Roast Beef plummets towards the stream]] / [[Roast Beef floats in the water, face up]]
/ Roast Beef [[Thinking]]: Dang and Jesus already I am being idiotic about this why can't I just type up a pro/con list like a half-ways logical man / SOON.
/ [[Roast Beef's typed list:]] "Should I get married to Molly" v0.9b
/ PROS
/ She can basically abide me without developing her own massive personal problems (4+ years)
/ That time she heard I had never been on an Easter Egg hunt so she made one in the house but with deviled eggs
/ I guess I should talk about *her* qualities actually...
/ I can put my chin on her head when we stand up / [[The list, continued:]] CONS
/ She may not want to watch my gross ass die for fifty years
/ If she wants to get divorced she will probably have to wait in a massive government line
/ If we have a baby it will also eventually have to watch my gross ass die and probably dish out mad cash to boot
/ holy god am I actually typing this up I have less balls than a carrot listening to violin music
/ asdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasd / {{Alt text: Roast Beef wrote the book on rewriting and then deleting the book}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232007 |
| Wedding Invitation. | [[Wedding invitation text.]]
/ ¶
/ Roast Beef and Molly
/ request the honoür of your presence
/ at the wedding of
/ Roast Beef and Molly
/ July 5th, 2008
/ Smuckles Residence
/ 11 Via Verde / Best Man: Ray Smuckles
/ Worst Man: Todd T. Squirrel
/ Old Man: Cornelius Bear (Officiant)
/ Little Man: Philippe (Ring Bearer)
/ Maid of Honor: Téodor Orezscu
/ I. Processional
/ II. Reading
/ Terry Jacks - Seasons In The Sun (Ray Smuckles) (First five lines only, please do not break for cigarette)
/ III. Homily
/ No homily (please hold applause)
/ IV. Auction
/ 1959 sunburst Gibson Les Paul. Proceeds to help defray honeymoon costs. Donated by R. Smuckles. / V. Cigarette Break
/ Led by Todd. Please smoke in place.
/ VI. Vows
/ VII(a). Groom Establishes Commitment Against Ever Dancing
/ VII(b). Bride Accepts
/ VIII. Exchange of Rings / Embrace
/ IX. Recessional
/ X. Officiant Plugs His Bar / [[Roast Beef tapping away at the computer.]]
/ Roast Beef (thinks): Oh how genius to have the invitation and program all in one man I TOTALLY saved cash - I am the graphic designer of the AGE
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05232008 |
| Computer Science/Dennis Quaid | [[Ray is reading the news paper in his chair, wearing a robe. Little Nephew is standing next to him.]]
/ Ray: Alright, you gitch'yself on up to your room and finish your homework.
/ Ray: Let me know if you need any help. / Little Nephew: Yeah, like YOU could help anyone with their computer science homework! Hah! / Ray: What makes you think I can't help you with computer science?
/ Little Nephew: I've seen your computer!
/ Little Nephew: It has scratch marks on the screen from where you try to grab the images that you see and like! / Ray: I can do anything I need with the computer, and you'd be wise to admit that to yourself! / Little Nephew: Oh yeah? How long did it take Roast Beef to teach you how to buy Dennis Quaid memorabilia on eBay?
/ Ray: That Right Stuff bomber jacket is gonna put you through college, young man! / Little Nephew: You mean the Sears bomber jacket I baked in the oven and sold to you for thirty-five hundred dollars?
/ Little Nephew: A+++++! Would Do Business Again! eBay_Ray! LOL in my room! L@FF! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05242004 |
| Achewood - May 24, 2005 | [[Ray and Cornelius standing]]
/ Cornelius: What in the devil is the matter with you two? I've never seen such unmitigated nincompoopery!
/ [[Ray strikes a ridiculous pose with his tongue out]] / [[Cornelius crosses his arms]]
/ Ray [[smiling]]: That car is the car that Trent Reznor drove in high school! If you get in, you are certain to experience total despair! / Cornelius: And you consider it wise to let Roast Beef into such a contraption.
/ Cornelius: Ray. Really.
/ [[Ray looks on, a trifle concerned]] / [[Headshot of Cornelius only.]]
/ Cornelius: If you hadn't noticed during your lifetime of friendship, Roast Beef already suffers from terrible depression! / Cornelius: I suppose you checked the glove box for weapons he might turn upon himself? / [[Headshot of Ray, with an "oh shit I didn't even think about that" look on his mug.]] / [[Roast Beef is driving the Volvo of Despair, we see him though the windshield. He is reaching over towards the glove box while driving.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05242005 |
| Achewood - May 24, 2005 | [[Ray and Cornelius standing]]
/ Cornelius: What in the devil is the matter with you two? I've never seen such unmitigated nincompoopery!
/ [[Ray strikes a ridiculous pose with his tongue out]] / [[Cornelius crosses his arms. Ray is smiling.]]
/ Ray: That car is the car that Trent Reznor drove in high school! If you get in, you are certain to experience total despair! / Cornelius: And you consider it wise to let Roast Beef into such a contraption.
/ Cornelius: Ray. Really.
/ [[Ray looks on, a trifle concerned]] / [[Headshot of Cornelius only.]]
/ Cornelius: If you hadn't noticed during your lifetime of friendship, Roast Beef already suffers from terrible depression! / Cornelius: I suppose you checked the glove box for weapons he might turn upon himself? / [[Headshot of Ray, with an "oh shit I didn't even think about that" look on his mug.]] / [[Roast Beef is driving the Volvo of Despair. We see him though the windshield. He is reaching over towards the glove box while driving.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05242005 |
| Teodor is Sci-Fi Curious | [[Beef, kneeling, has just removed the water cup from Ray's magic underpants. Both cats look out the window at Teodor, watching them from across the street.]] / [[Teodor looks back, suprised.]] / [[Ray and Beef smile at Teodor.]] / [[Ray and Beef wave.]] / [[Teodor looks at them.]] / [[Teodor turns from the window, weirdly curious.]] / [[The empty window.]] / [[Teodor has arrived at Ray's house.]]
/ Ray: Teodor. Welcome. Very lucky for you that you showed up just now. Congratulations, in a way. / Teodor: What... what's up, guys?
/ Ray: We've made a discovery. A breakthrough. Please, remove your pants. / Beef: We've solved a very large problem that was causing what I estimate to be most of the dissonance in the world You're about an 18-inch waist am I correct?
/ [[Ray reaches out for Teodor with a beatific smile. Teodor is unnerved.]]
/ Teodor: Yeah... / SOON.
/ [[Teodor, sweaterless, is wearing his own pair of the underpants.]]
/ Teodor: I see the world with perfect clarity! All of its systems are unified in a balanced, eternal cycle! / Ray: And notice the internal calm you feel.
/ Teodor: I don't even notice myself! I just feel like a part of everything! I have no wants! / Beef: Unfortunately the outside world will reject us based on our appearance Therefore I suggest we remain in the pool house indefinitely
/ Ray: Agreed. I had no plans.
/ Teodor: If I had plans, they were made by an incorrect life I no longer maintain. / {{alt text: Teodor's has the perfect two point five ounces on the front, the Zen Weight.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05242006 |
| Teodor is Sci-Fi Curious | [[Ray and Roast Beef have been exploring the cantilevered penis weight underwear in the pool house. Roast Beef, kneeling, has just removed the water cup from Ray's underpants. Both cats look out the window at Teodor, watching them from a window across the street.]] / [[Teodor looks back, suprised.]] / [[Ray and Beef smile at Teodor.]] / [[Ray and Beef wave.]] / [[Teodor looks at them.]] / [[Teodor turns from the window.]] / [[The empty window.]] / [[Teodor has arrived at Ray's house. He looks at Ray's underpants.]]
/ Ray: Teodor. Welcome. Very lucky for you that you showed up just now. Congratulations, in a way. / [[Teodor looks at Roast Beef's underpants.]]
/ Teodor: What... what's up, guys?
/ Ray: We've made a discovery. A breakthrough. Please, remove your pants. / Beef: We've solved a very large problem that was causing what I estimate to be most of the dissonance in the world
/ You're about an 18-inch waist am I correct?
/ [[Ray reaches out for Teodor with a beatific smile. Teodor raises an eyebrow.]]
/ Teodor: Yeah... / SOON.
/ [[Teodor is wearing his own pair of the underpants and nothing else. He throws his hands up.]]
/ Teodor: I see the world with perfect clarity! All of its systems are unified in a balanced, eternal cycle! / Ray: And notice the internal calm you feel.
/ Teodor: I don't even notice myself! I just feel like a part of everything! I have no wants! / [[Teodor and Ray look at Roast Beef.]]
/ Beef: Unfortunately the outside world will reject us based on our appearance Therefore I suggest we remain in the pool house indefinitely
/ Ray: Agreed. I had no plans.
/ Teodor: If I had plans, they were made by an incorrect life I no longer maintain. / {{alt text: Teodor's has the perfect two point five ounces on the front, the Zen Weight.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05242006 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05242010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05242010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - May 25, 2004 | Ray: Crap, dude. Nuts. / Roast Beef: Man why you all despondent Ray
/ Roast Beef: What it is / Ray: I just found out Little Nephew's been sellin' me bogus Dennis Quaid memorabilia on eBay. I hate this feeling. / Ray: He's posin' as this guy Silver_Screen_Promos, and he's just workin' me. / Ray: I even paid him ten bucks for a mustard packet he said Quaid used on the set of Twister...
/ Ray: Quaid wasn't even IN Twister. / Ray: But he knows I don't know that. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05252004 |
| Achewood - May 25, 2004 | Ray: Crap, dude. Nuts. / Roast Beef: Man why you all despondent Ray
/ Roast Beef: What it is / Ray: I just found out Little Nephew's been sellin' me bogus Dennis Quaid memorabilia on eBay. I hate this feeling. / Ray: He's posin' as this guy Silver_Screen_Promos, and he's just workin' me. / Ray: I even paid him ten bucks for a mustard packet he said Quaid used on the set of Twister...
/ Ray: Quaid wasn't even IN Twister. / Ray: But he knows I don't know that. / {{I have some rice that Dennis Quaid did not want to buy L@@K}}
/ {{links to: http://www.framleyexaminer.com/pages/framley072.html}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05252004 |
| Achewood - May 25, 2005 | [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beef is driving the Volvo of Despair]] / [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beef glances down towards something in the Volvo of Despair]] / [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beef is driving the Volvo of Despair]] / [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beef double-takes at what he saw in panel 2]] / [[close-up of a coffe ring that looks remarkably like the Virgin Mary with child and cross]]
/ Roast Beef: Wow dang that coffee ring looks like the Virgin Mary with child / [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beef looks away, totally freaked]] / Roast Beef [thought bubble]: Maybe there is hope after all / [[The Volvo of Despair courses down a neighborhood street]]
/ Roast Beef [thought bubble]: Oh god what am I saying there is no hope there is NO HOPE! / [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beed eyes something else shocking in the Volvo of Despair]] / Roast Beef [thought bubble]: Holy crap look at the impression Ray left in the passeenger seat / [[The passenger seat has the impression of a smirking Ben Stiller]] / Roast Beef: I though you did a good job of rescuing Zoolander despite the script Mr. Stiller / Smirking Ben Stiller seat impression: You know what enoough people don't do anymore? Make their girlfriends dress like Emily Dickinson and push them off a cliff. / Smirking Ben Stiller seat impression: True love used to mean you'd die for each other, but now it's just this nicey-nice thing! / Smirking Ben Stiller seat impression: I mean, does anyone care enough about you to lay down their own life?
/ Roast Beef: We'll find out when she gets off at seven / {{Roast Beef looks sort of like Ed Chigliak, here.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05252005 |
| Achewood - May 25, 2005 | [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beef is driving the Volvo of Despair]] / [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beef glances down towards something in the Volvo of Despair]] / [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beef is driving the Volvo of Despair]] / [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beef double-takes at what he saw in panel 2]] / [[close-up of a coffee ring that looks remarkably like the Virgin Mary with child and cross]]
/ Roast Beef: Wow dang that coffee ring looks like the Virgin Mary with child / [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beef looks away, totally freaked]] / Roast Beef: [thought bubble] Maybe there is hope after all / [[The Volvo of Despair courses down a neighborhood street]]
/ Roast Beef: [thought bubble] Oh god what am I saying there is no hope there is NO HOPE! / [[Trent Reznor-haired Roast Beed eyes something else shocking in the Volvo of Despair]] / Roast Beef: [thought bubble] Holy crap look at the impression Ray left in the passenger seat / [[The passenger seat has the impression of a smirking Ben Stiller]] / Roast Beef: I though you did a good job of rescuing Zoolander despite the script Mr. Stiller / Smirking Ben Stiller seat impression: You know what enough people don't do anymore? Make their girlfriends dress like Emily Dickinson and push them off a cliff. / Smirking Ben Stiller seat impression: True love used to mean you'd die for each other, but now it's just this nicey-nice thing! / Smirking Ben Stiller seat impression: I mean, does anyone care enough about you to lay down their own life?
/ Roast Beef: We'll find out when she gets off at seven / {{Roast Beef looks sort of like Ed Chigliak, here.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05252005 |
| Achewood - May 25, 2006 | [[Ray, Teodor, and Roast Beef explore the cantilevered penis weight underwear phenomenon in the pool house.]]
/ [[Roast Beef kneels before Ray, holding a measuring cup.]]
/ Roast Beef: Here Ray let's get you back up to 2.5 ounces what do you say
/ Ray: Yes please! / [[Roast Beef pours into Ray's weight cup.]]
/ Ray: Ahhh. Bliss. Say, what do you guys feel like doin'? / Teodor: What we are going to do has already been chosen. We just have to remember. / Ray: You mean...
/ Teodor: Yes. What did men do for fun before nature shrank their appendage? / Ray: I picture them jumping off of high cliffs into water, feasting on wild game and fruits, and visiting the women when more children were needed. / Roast Beef: That will be difficult to do inside the confines of the pool house but I believe if we set our minds to it we can create a pleasing approximation / Teodor: We can jump off the couch onto pillows, and we can open a bag of chips. For the company of women, we can read aloud from the January issue of Cosmopolitan, which I saw on the coffee table.
/ Ray: Verily, as did I. / [[Teodor, Ray, and Roast Beef leap from the back of a sofa, as a boom box blasts behind them.]]
/ Narration Box: SOON.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05252006 |
| Popping in to the Dude and Catastrophe | [[Closeup, off-center, of the "Dude and Catastrophe" (Cornelius's bar) sign. Roast Beef and Cornelius are off frame.]]
/ Cornelius: My heavens, Roast Beef! Have you just been fitted for your winding-sheet? The aura of the stricken man is trickling from your ears!
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh yeah it is come to grapes / [[Cornelius and Roast Beef are standing at the bar.]]
/ Cornelius: If I read you about the edges correctly, you're asunder over a particular girl.
/ [[Roast Beef rummages in his hoodie pocket.]]
/ Roast Beef: Check this out can you believe I typed a list of Pros and Cons of if I should ask Molly to marry me I mean what turkey does that / Cornelius: Ah, marriage. The Great Indoor Fight. May I?
/ Roast Beef: Yeah sure
/ [[Roast Beef hands Cornelius the list.]] / [[Cornelius reads.]]
/ Cornelius: Hm. Here's the trouble. Molly is a smart girl possessing many fine qualities, yet this list finds you fascinated solely with yourself. / [[Roast Beef reappears with Cornelius; his hands are over his eyes.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh Jesus you're right man what a clod I got no business in any of this
/ Cornelius: Perish the thought. The list is just an artifact of a rightfully anxious mind. Have you had the dream? / [[Roast Beef looks up.]]
/ Roast Beef: "The dream" ?
/ Cornelius: I'm afraid I can't elucidate. You'll know if you have. / Roast Beef: Uh I think I mean I guess I had two of them if I understand you right
/ Cornelius: And?
/ Roast Beef: Well...in one it's clear she's on her deathbed but she tells me not to worry about her and says "go fix yourself a steak" like a caring parent would / Roast Beef: The other one is just this flash of an instant where I see her sitting in a meadow with a baby and smiling at me like she was at peace
/ Cornelius: What charming manifestations! Your subconscious has given quite a seal of approval. / [[Cornelius pours a drink.]]
/ Cornelius: You two will do marvelously, should you proceed toward your blue heaven together.
/ Roast Beef: Wow yeah I guess these were pretty different from my usual dreams of like having to lick the middle of Frida Kahlo's eyebrow / {{alt-text: Cornelius has had it figured out since Presidents smoked on TV}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05252007 |
| Popping in to the Dude and Catastrophe | [[Closeup, off-center, of the "Dude and Catastrophe" (Cornelius's bar) sign. Roast Beef and Cornelius are off frame.]]
/ Cornelius: My heavens, Roast Beef! Have you just been fitted for your winding-sheet? The aura of the stricken man is trickling from your ears!
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh yeah it is come to grapes / [[Cornelius and Roast Beef are standing at the bar.]]
/ Cornelius: If I read you about the edges correctly, you're asunder over a particular girl.
/ [[Roast Beef rummages in his hoodie pocket.]]
/ Roast Beef: Check this out can you believe I typed a list of Pros and Cons of if I should ask Molly to marry me I mean what turkey does that / Cornelius: Ah, marriage. The Great Indoor Fight. May I?
/ Roast Beef: Yeah sure
/ [[Roast Beef hands Cornelius the list.]] / [[Close-up of Cornelius as he reads.]]
/ Cornelius: Hm. Here's the trouble. Molly is a smart girl possessing many fine qualities, yet this list finds you fascinated solely with yourself. / [[Zoom out to both Roast Beef and Cornelius; Beef's hands are over his eyes.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh Jesus you're right man what a clod I got no business in any of this
/ Cornelius: Perish the thought. The list is just an artifact of a rightfully anxious mind. Have you had the dream? / [[Roast Beef looks up.]]
/ Roast Beef: "The dream" ?
/ Cornelius: I'm afraid I can't elucidate. You'll know if you have. / Roast Beef: Uh I think I mean I guess I had two of them if I understand you right
/ Cornelius: And?
/ Roast Beef: Well...in one it's clear she's on her deathbed but she tells me not to worry about her and says "go fix yourself a steak" like a caring parent would / Roast Beef: The other one is just this flash of an instant where I see her sitting in a meadow with a baby and smiling at me like she was at peace
/ Cornelius: What charming manifestations! Your subconscious has given quite a seal of approval. / [[Cornelius pours a drink.]]
/ Cornelius: You two will do marvelously, should you proceed toward your blue heaven together.
/ Roast Beef: Wow yeah I guess these were pretty different from my usual dreams of like having to lick the middle of Frida Kahlo's eyebrow / {{alt-text: Cornelius has had it figured out since Presidents smoked on TV}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05252007 |
| Scary Go Round guest strip | {{This strip originially appeared as a guest installment at Scary Go Round}} / [[TÉODOR AND AMY IN... "JUST MARRIED"]]
/ [[Téodor and Amy are in a biplane trailing tin cans]]
/ Amy: Oh, Téodor! From the Elvis Costello messageboard to this!
/ Amy: I never thought I'd be married to a cute little bear...father was so agitated when I told him! / Téodor: I think we all have some adjusting to do, my love. / / Amy: I'm so sorry you didn't like the buffet, darling. I admit, British food may be a bit challenging at first. / Téodor: Who eats braised ivy? And what was with that owl all smeared in mayonnaise? That was depressing. / Amy: Téodor! It's our wedding day! Try to be positive. / Téodor: A fox fighting an eel, suspended in aspic. It was like a Nine Inch Nails video. / {{alt text: lie back and think of spotted dick}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262003 |
| Scary Go Round guest strip | {{This strip originially appeared as a guest installment at Scary Go Round}} / [[TÉODOR AND AMY IN... "JUST MARRIED"]]
/ [[Téodor and Amy are in a small, propeller-driven aircraft, similar to a Cessna 172 "Skyhawk," trailing tin cans]]
/ Amy: Oh, Téodor! From the Elvis Costello messageboard to this!
/ Amy: I never thought I'd be married to a cute little bear...father was so agitated when I told him! / Téodor: I think we all have some adjusting to do, my love. / Amy: I'm so sorry you didn't like the buffet, darling. I admit, British food may be a bit challenging at first. / Téodor: Who eats braised ivy? And what was with that owl all smeared in mayonnaise? That was depressing. / Amy: Téodor! It's our wedding day! Try to be positive. / Téodor: A fox fighting an eel, suspended in aspic. It was like a Nine Inch Nails video. / {{alt text: lie back and think of spotted dick}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262003 |
| Uncle Culpepper | [[Ray greets his Uncle Culpepper at the front door. Culpepper wears the stylings on an old southern gentleman.(ex. Colonel Sanders)]]
/ Ray: Uncle Culpepper! How was your trip? It's good to see you! Come in! / Culpepper: Why, I do declare! Dear nephew, you have matured into the very image of your grandfather, the great Colonel Albion Montgomery Culpepper! / Ray: Thank you, Uncle Culpepper! You must be hungry! What can I get us to eat? Come inside! / [[Ray and Culpepper walk down the hallway]]
/ Culpepper: Well now! I must admit to an indefatigable predilection for that most toothsome of I-talian delicacies, the Pepperoni Pizza!
/ Ray: Consider it done! Mind if we add olives and mushrooms? / Culpepper: My sole partiality is to that delectable spiced meat. Any confederacy of additional vegetables shall not compromise the pie as I see it. / Ray: Ok, good! OH, let me fix us a drink first!
/ Culpepper: Your hospitality is exemplary, dear nephew. I am parched as a misused draft animal, but a tumbler of spirits may well spare me from the agony to which I seem conscripted by this thirst. / {alt. text: mah-'toor, 'eye-talyun} http://achewood.com/?date=05262004 |
| Achewood - May 26, 2004 | Ray: Uncle Culpepper! How was your trip? It's good to see you! Come in! / Uncle Culpepper: Why, I do declare! Dear nephew, you have matured into the very image of your grandfather, the great Colonel Albion Montgomery Culpepper! / Ray: Thank you, Uncle Culpepper!
/ Ray: You must be hungry! What can I get us to eat? Come inside! / Uncle Culpepper: Well now! I must admit to an indefatigable predilection for that most toothsome of I-talian delicacies, the Pepperoni Pizza!
/ Ray: Consider it done! Mind if we add olives and mushrooms? / Uncle Culpepper: My sole partiality is to that delectable spiced meat. Any confederacy of additional vegetables shall not compromise the pie as I see it. / Ray: Ok, good! OH, let me fix us a drink first!
/ Uncle Culpepper: Your hospitality is exemplary, dear nephew. I am as parched as a misused draft animal, but a tumbler of spirits may well spare me from the agony to which I seem conscripted by this thirst. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262004 |
| Achewood - May 26, 2004 | Ray: Uncle Culpepper! How was your trip? It's good to see you! Come in! / Uncle Culpepper: Why, I do declare! Dear nephew, you have matured into the very image of your grandfather, the great Colonel Albion Montgomery Culpepper! / Ray: Thank you, Uncle Culpepper!
/ Ray: You must be hungry! What can I get us to eat? Come inside! / Uncle Culpepper: Well now! I must admit to an indefatigable predilection for that most toothsome of I-talian delicacies, the Pepperoni Pizza!
/ Ray: Consider it done! Mind if we add olives and mushrooms? / Uncle Culpepper: My sole partiality is to that delectable spiced meat. Any confederacy of additional vegetables shall not compromise the pie as I see it. / Ray: Ok, good! OH, let me fix us a drink first!
/ Uncle Culpepper: Your hospitality is exemplary, dear nephew. I am as parched as a misused draft animal, but a tumbler of spirits may well spare me from the agony to which I seem conscripted by this thirst. / {{ mah-'toor, 'eye-talyun }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262004 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05262010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - May 27, 2003 | [[Teodor is reading TV tonite]] / 7:00pm: Robert Redford is...
/ THE DACHSHUND WHISPERER
/ Redford, playing uniquely talented Montana dog handler Tom Briggs, has an extraordinary talent for communicating with troubled dachshunds. A powerful publishing exectuve for New York City contacts him: her prized dachshund has become violent and unpredictable after a traumatic spay. Briggs creates a therapeutic burrow out of the woman's couch cushions and then wiggles down into where the dachhund has hidden itself. He whispers secret, private dachshund ideas to the creature, who soon emerges from her self-imposed prison with a new self confidence and a heavily chewed squeaky rubber mallard. / Violence, whispers. 170 minutes. (1998) / {{Alt Text: What a dachshund likes is to be beneath the duvet and also to play on the lawn}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05272003 |
| Achewood - May 27, 2004 | Uncle Culpepper: You may have heard through your mother that I have fallen upon rather untoward circumstances as of late, my dear nephew.
/ Ray: How's that, Uncle Culpepper? / Uncle Culpepper: It was my great misfortune to have provided a promising young on-line enterprise with a large investment of my personal savings.
/ Ray: Dang, you got burned on a dot com, huh? Which one? / Uncle Culpepper: Finding myself in the possession of a "hot tip" from an acquaintance heavily involved in the trading of securities,
/ Uncle Culpepper: ...it so came to pass that I, temporarily blinded by greed, quickly made myself a principal shareholder, with all rights and appurtenances thereof, in a small company named Pregnant F/X. / Ray: Pregnant F/X? / Uncle Culpepper: A most ingenious new technology, as it was described to me:
/ Uncle Culpepper: A "web site" to which patrons could up-load photographic portraits of themselves or others...
/ Uncle Culpepper: and for a small fee have the Pregnant F/X rendering engine modify the image such that it portrayed the sitter as heavy with child! / Uncle Culpepper: All I am left with is this photograph of myself in a rather parturient condition, which I am now not even sure that I like. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05272004 |
| Achewood - May 27, 2004 | Uncle Culpepper: You may have heard through your mother that I have fallen upon rather untoward circumstances as of late, my dear nephew.
/ Ray: How's that, Uncle Culpepper? / Uncle Culpepper: It was my great misfortune to have provided a promising young on-line enterprise with a large investment of my personal savings.
/ Ray: Dang, you got burned on a dot com, huh? Which one? / Uncle Culpepper: Finding myself in the possession of a "hot tip" from an acquaintance heavily involved in the trading of securities,
/ Uncle Culpepper: ...it so came to pass that I, temporarily blinded by greed, quickly made myself a principal shareholder, with all rights and appurtenances thereof, in a small company named Pregnant F/X. / Ray: Pregnant F/X? / Uncle Culpepper: A most ingenious new technology, as it was described to me:
/ Uncle Culpepper: A "web site" to which patrons could up-load photographic portraits of themselves or others...
/ Uncle Culpepper: and for a small fee have the Pregnant F/X rendering engine modify the image such that it portrayed the sitter as heavy with child! / Uncle Culpepper: All I am left with is this photograph of myself in a rather parturient condition, which I am now not even sure that I like. / {{Alt-Text: Forsooth, like poor Icarus did my foolhardines conspire to conjoin my fortune with an untidy demise.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05272004 |
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