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| Achewood - July 29, 2004 | Ray: Yeah, is Bono there? / Ray: It's RAY! / Ray: Ray Smuckles, baby! I just got a quick question for him about how he chooses a butler. / Ray: Oh, no way! You're Bono's butler? Nice to meet you! I mean, I know it's the phone and all, but- / Ray: Yeah, I'm lookin' for some assistance. A gentleman's... http://achewood.com/?date=07292004 |
| Achewood - July 29, 2004 | [[Ray is on the phone, holding a martini]]
/ Ray: Yeah, is Bono there? / Ray: It's RAY! / Ray: Ray Smuckles, baby! I just got a quick question for him about how he chooses a butler. / Ray: Oh, no way! You're Bono's butler? Nice to meet you! I mean, I know it's the phone and all, but- / Ray: Yeah,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07292004 |
| Achewood - July 29, 2005 | [[Teodor talking on the phone and wearing his Circus Penis Army uniform]]
/ Teodor: Hey Ray, it's Teodor.
/ Teodor: Is Circus Penis there? / Teodor: What do you mean he went back to LA? / Teodor: Yeah, I know he lives there, wise-ass, but we - / Teodor: Yeah, of course this is about the Circus Penis... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07292005 |
| Circus Penis Has Left the Building | [[Teodor talking on the phone and wearing his Circus Penis Army uniform]]
/ Teodor: Hey Ray, it's Teodor.
/ Teodor: Is Circus Penis there? / Teodor: What do you mean he went back to LA? / Teodor: Yeah, I know he lives there, wise-ass, but we - / Teodor: Yeah, of course this is about the Circus Penis... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07292005 |
| Achewood - July 29, 2008 | [[The back end of modern passenger train sits motionless on its rails in an open field at night. An electric spark appears in the air]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07292008 |
| Achewood § July 29, 2009 | [[Inside the J. Vincent J. Lemoni Public Arena, the New Kings of Sapphic Erotica Freetyle Literary Battle is about to commence. Williams-Sonoma Founder Chuck Williams and Téodor are in the background, seated at laptops and wearing identical elephant costumes. In the foreground is Roast Beef, wearing... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07292009 |
| Beef Tshirt Expose Etc | [[Teodor holds up a T-Shirt]]
/ Teodor: Yikes! You need to get rid of all this baggage, Beef!
/ Teodor: You're never gonna wear any of these!
/ T-shirt: GIVE ME AN F / Roast Beef: Dang man but don't I know it / Roast Beef: I got a weakness for Slogan T's I guess / [[Teodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07302003 |
| Beef Tshirt Expose Etc | [[Teodor holds up a T-Shirt]]
/ Teodor: Yikes! You need to get rid of all this baggage, Beef!
/ Teodor: You're never gonna wear any of these!
/ T-shirt: GIVE ME AN F / Roast Beef: Dang man but don't I know it / Roast Beef: I got a weakness for slogan T's I guess / [[Teodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07302003 |
| Beef Tshirt Expose Etc | [[Téodor holds up a T-Shirt]]
/ Téodor: Yikes! You need to get rid of all this baggage, Beef!
/ Téodor: You're never gonna wear any of these!
/ T-shirt: GIVE ME AN F / Roast Beef: Dang man but don't I know it / Roast Beef: I got a weakness for Slogan T's I guess / [[Téodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ T-shirt:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07302003 |
| Achewood - July 30, 2004 | [[Ray stands at the open front door to his house. Waterbury stands on his front step.]]
/ Ray: Hi! Waterbury? Ray Smuckles!
/ Waterbury: Good afternoon, Mr. Smuckles. It is a pleasure to meet you, sir. / [[Both characters stand inside Ray's house, apparently in the entryway or perhaps a hallway.]]
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07302004 |
| Achewood - July 30, 2007: Saddest Thing IV | Philippe: Lie Bot, what is the saddest thing?
/ Lie Bot: You sure you're ready? / Philippe: I...I think so, this time. / Lie Bot: Okay, but I warned you.
/ Philippe: Yes. I agree. / Lie Bot: The saddest thing is when the toilet from an abandoned space station falls back to earth, lands upside-down on... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07302007 |
| Achewood - July 31, 2006 | Ray: Dude. You know what it is? This camera is showin' how you FEEL about yourself, not your actual self / Ray: That's why Teodor looks like some blowjob from the Banana Republic ads, and Beef looks like a goon who lost his jack-off virginity in the bathroom at Comic-Con / Ray: I ain't gonna say anything,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07312006 |
| Achewood - July 31, 2006 | Ray: Dude. You know what it is? This camera is showin' how you FEEL about yourself, not your actual self / Ray: That's why Teodor looks like some blowjob from the Banana Republic ads, and Beef looks like a goon who lost his jack-off virginity in the bathroom at Comic-Con / Ray: I ain't gonna say anything,... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07312006 |
| Achewood - July 31, 2007 | [[Ray Smuckles holds an item in his paws and examines it]]
/ Ray: Daaamn. You KNOW they had to put these warnings on one lawsuit at a time. / [[Close-up of a tube of K-Y Jelly. The text on the tube reads:
/ K-Y®
/ JELLY/GÉLEE
/ Personal Lubricant
/ Lubrifiant personnel]] / [[Close-up of WARNING panel. The... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07312007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=07312008">http://achewood.com/?date=07312008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - August 1, 2002 | [[Ray is on the phone with Roast Beef, who is presumably still on the moon. For a wonder, Ray is not holding a martini glass.]]
/ Ray: Hmmm...how about we call ourselves "Doggz 2 Tha Bone?" / Ray: Doggz 2 Tha *Bizzone*...hmm... yeah! I kinda like that! / [[Ray gestures emphatically.]]
/ Ray: *Doggz 2... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012002 |
| Hair In Ray's Nachos | [[Ray is angry. There are a plate of nachos and a martini glass.]]
/ Ray: HEY! Who put a hair on my dang nachos?
/ Ray: I really wanted to eat these! / Chris Onstad: CUT!
/ Ray: What?
/ Ray: How come? / Chris Onstad: Sorry, Ray. The readers are saying that they're tired of seeing you in the strip all the... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012003 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at Typewriter, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward typewriter]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2005 | [[Nice Pete at desk, Pat enters]] / Pat: I understand you finished your new book! Here, I'll edit it. / [[Pat reaches toward desk]] / [["KLAMP" Nice Pete grabs Pat's arm]] / Nice Pete: Pat I did not ask for you to edit it. You assumed that I would want you opinion. / Pat: Well, I'm an excellent... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012005 |
| Achewood - August 1, 2008 | [[Téodor is trying to sleep, lying on a mattress with no sheet. Philippe is waking Téodor up.]]
/ Philippe: Téodor! Mr. Bear read My Side of the Mountain to me! I'm going to live on my own in the backyard! / Téodor: [[thinking]] This is a really special thing that a little kid does. If I help... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08012008 |
| Achewood - August 2, 2002 | [[Phillipe, possessed by Billy Idol, stands near his bike and talks to Ray, who is holding a martini]]
/ Phillipe: Ray, you old punter! How's about a fag for your old mate?
/ Ray: Huh? / Ray: Since when do you smoke, Phillipe? And what happened to your regular, non-ridiculous pants? / [[Phillipe points... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08022002 |
| Thick As A Brick | [[Phillipe, possessed by Billy Idol, stands near his bike and talks to Ray, who is holding a martini]]
/ Phillipe: Ray, you old punter! How's about a fag for your old mate?
/ Ray: Huh? / Ray: Since when do you smoke, Phillipe? And what happened to your regular, non-ridiculous pants? / [[Phillipe points... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08022002 |
| Achewood - August 2, 2004 | RAY: Waterbury! Come in here! / WATERBURY: Good morning, Mr. Smuckles, sir.
/ RAY: How come I'm wearin' kneepads and a helmet?! / WATERBURY: I discovered that you are a bit of a somnambulist, sir. It was for your own protection.
/ RAY: You mean I was sleepwalkin'?
/ WATERBURY: Precisely, sir. / RAY:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08022004 |
| Dreamwheel And The Child | [[Roast Beef and Téodor talking. Beef holds some photos]]
/ Beef: Check it out Téodor I found some old promotional photos of Pat's dad Simon in my boxes / [[Téodor examines two of the photos]]
/ Beef: See how much they look like each other
/ Téodor: Wow. It's uncanny! / [[Promotional photo of Simon Reynolds... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08022006 |
| Achewood - August 2, 2007 | [[Ray on the phone and holding a martini glass. Inset window of Teodor on the phone.]]
/ Ray: Dude! Remember how I don't know German?
/ Teodor: Who could forget? / Ray: Get this! I been learnin' German by watchin' German porno, man! / Teodor: Alright, let me quiz you. / Ray: Daaaaamn / Teodor: Answer... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08022007 |
| Achewood - August 3, 2004 | [[Philippe, wearing a strap-on tummy over his actual belly, stands with paws on hips looking very pleased with himself]]
/ Philippe: Téodor! Look what my mom sent me!
/ Téodor: What is that? / Philippe: It's a Tommy the Tummy! Isn't it cool?
/ Téodor: What's it do? / Philippe: It's a friend for kids... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08032004 |
| Achewood - August 3, 2005 - Ray's Toy Truck | [[Ray is sitting down playing with a Tonka-like toy truck while Téodor stands beside him ]]
/ Téodor: What's with the little toy dumptruck, Ray? You have a kid over? / [[Ray looks up at Téodor]]
/ Ray: This's mine dude! Don't be buggin'! / Téodor: From when you were a kid? / Ray: Kid kid kid! What's... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08032005 |
| Achewood - August 3, 2005 - Ray's Toy Truck | [[Ray is sitting down playing with a Tonka-like toy truck while Téodor stands beside him ]]
/ Téodor: What's with the little toy dumptruck, Ray? You have a kid over? / [[Ray looks up at Téodor]]
/ Ray: This's mine dude! Don't be buggin'! / Téodor: From when you were a kid? / Ray: Kid kid kid! What's... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08032005 |
| Philippe Times for August Third | [[Masthead]]
/ The Philippe Times. I Have Some Binoculars and I am Big Enough to Go Outside. Vol 9 No. 13 / [[Main Body Text]]
/ Friday Facts! by Philippe, editor-in-chief!
/ [[Picture of Philippe in watch cap looking through binoculars]] / WHAT I SAW IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!
/ Téodor is playing his guitar... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08032007 |
| beef makeover tshirt etc | [[Téodor holds up a T-shirt]]
/ Téodor: I mean, look at this! No woman is going to talk to you if this is the first thing she sees!
/ [[T-shirt reads: RELIGION IS MESSED UP]] / Téodor: And when was the last time you wore this one?!
/ [[T-shirt reads: I'M THE GUY WHO SUCKS]] / [[Back of T-shirt reads:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08042003 |
| Achewood - August 4, 2004 | [[Phillippe is running for president. Roast Beef is acting as his campaign manager.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright now Phillippe uh did you work on your campaign speech like we agreed that you would / Roast Beef: Oh my goodness you did! / Roast Beef: "Born down in a dead man's town...first kick I took was... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08042004 |
| Achewood - August 4, 2005 | Ray Smuckles: A doo-da doo-da doo-da doo! / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08042005 |
| Achewood - August 4, 2006 | [[Ray is on his computer talking to a cellphone. A Martini glass is next to him.]]
/ Ray: I mean, his rhymes are alright, but this only signature move is a crotch-grab. Yeah, I know. That's Michael's move. Everybody knows that.
/ [[Ray lifts the glass]]
/ Ray: Well, I tell him to try somethin' new, and... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08042006 |
| Achewood - August 4, 2006 | [[Ray is on his computer talking to a cellphone. A Martini glass is next to him.]]
/ Ray: I mean, his rhymes are alright, but this only signature move is a crotch-grab. Yeah, I know. That's Michael's move. Everybody knows that.
/ [[Ray lifts the glass]]
/ Ray: Well, I tell him to try somethin' new, and... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08042006 |
| Cussing redux | Philippe: I don't get it, Billy! How come I have to say so many cusses? / Billy Idol's voice: SAYING CUSSES IS POWER / [[Todd drives up in his van.]]
/ Todd: He's right ya know!
/ Billy Idol's voice: WHO ARE YOU LITTLE ONE / Todd: I'm T-T-Todd! And believe you me, I know the power of a cuss!
/ Billy... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052002 |
| Cussing redux | Philippe: I don't get it, Billy! How come I have to say so many cusses? / Billy Idol's voice: SAYING CUSSES IS POWER / [[Todd drives up in his van.]]
/ Todd: He's right ya know!
/ Billy Idol's voice: WHO ARE YOU LITTLE ONE / Todd: I'm T-T-Todd! And believe you me, I know the power of a cuss!
/ Billy... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052002 |
| Achewood - August 5, 2004 | [[Waterbury stands by a table at which Ray sits, eating cake or something.]]
/ Ray: So where you from, Waterbury?
/ Waterbury: London, sir. / Ray: You know, people always say that.
/ Waterbury: Particularly those in my lineage, sir. / Ray: No, I mean you might be from like Trembly-on-Kent, but you say... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052004 |
| Achewood - August 5, 2005 | [[The Philippe Times Vol. 7 No. 8]]
/ Friday Facts!
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief [[A picture of Phillipe in a football helmet is next to the byline.]]
/ DID YOU KNOW...
/ ...That I stayed up way too late (new shoes!) and forgot to write my column? I am going to be bad and steal one of Teodor's Cokes so... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052005 |
| Achewood - August 5, 2005 | [[The Philippe Times Vol. 7 No. 8]]
/ Friday Facts!
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief [[A picture of Phillipe in a football helmet is next to the byline.]]
/ DID YOU KNOW...
/ ...That I stayed up way too late (new shoes!) and forgot to write my column? I am going to be bad and steal one of Teodor's Cokes so... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052005 |
| Conspirogami. | [[Lyle and Nice Pete. Lyle is pointing at a twenty dollar bill, which he holds.]]
/ LYLE: Hey Pete, check it out! You seen how you can fold a twenty to show a picture of the twin towers AND the Pentagon on fire? / [[Nice Pete looks down, presumably watching Lyle fold the bill.]] / [[He looks up at Lyle's... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08052009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
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