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| Patching Up a Friend. | [[Ray is laying on the floor in the fetal position, his arms behind him, leaking fluid from his navel. Roast Beef kneels over him, and Tina stands behind looking greatly concerned.]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright it looks like his Rectus sheath is punctured and he's leakin' interstitial fluid / [[Close-up on... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09052008 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2005 | Panel text: RAY SMUCKLES: HE GETS THINGS DONE
/ [[Ray is hunching forward on the toilet looking at a catalog with an irritated expression]]
/ Ray: Man, the food photography in this Home Depot catalog is ass! / [[Close up of Ray's face, sitting up against the toilet lid -- inspiration has struck!]]
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062005 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2005 | Panel text: RAY SMUCKLES: HE GETS THINGS DONE
/ [[Ray is hunching forward on the toilet looking at a catalog with an irritated expression]]
/ Ray: Man, the food photography in this Home Depot catalog is ass! / [[Close up of Ray's face, sitting up against the toilet lid -- inspiration has struck!]]
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062005 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2005 | Panel text: RAY SMUCKLES: HE GETS THINGS DONE
/ [[Ray is hunching forward on the toilet looking at a catalog with an irritated expression]]
/ Ray: Man, the food photography in this Home Depot catalog is ass! / [[Close up of Ray's face, sitting up against the toilet lid -- inspiration has struck!]]
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062005 |
| Achewood - September 6, 2006 | [[Teodor, Roast Beef, and Ray are out walking]]
/ Ray: Oh man, it's a Magreaux dog! Quick, let's cross the street like we didn't see him. / [[The Magreaux dog stands on the sidewalk on its hind legs, wearing a sweatshirt and holding a soda. It is similar in appearance to Ray, with the same rounded... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09062006 |
| Achewood - September 7, 2004 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are having a conversation on the phone.]]
/ Roast Beef: So yeah uh I was at Raley's and they have changed the label design on cans of --- / [[The phone conversation is interrupted as Ray's cordless phone begins picking up loud interference.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09072004 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=09072005">http://achewood.com/?date=09072005 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - September 7, 2006 | [[Roast Beef on cell phone at the doctor's office.]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey Pat uh Ray just saw a Magreaux dog downtown by the KFC / Roast Beef: Yeah we're at the doctor's office he's gettin' the whole workup you know full body MRI and even a chaplain / Roast Beef: Yeah man ok cool I'll see you here in a... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09072006 |
| Achewood - September 7, 2007 | [[Ray sits at a writing desk with a pencil in his hand, looking worried, while Teodor walks up behind him.]]
/ Ray: Whoah, man, check this out! Everything I draw accidentally ends up lookin' like a dick!
/ Teodor: Really? / Ray: Yeah, dude! Ask me to draw somethin'!
/ Teodor: Okay, how about a loaf of... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09072007 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2004 | Ray: Waterbury, um, are you a secret agent instead of a butler?
/ Waterbury: Sir? / Ray: My cordless phone accidentally picked up your call to the Queen last night.
/ Waterbury: Ah, I see... / Waterbury: Yes, Mr. Smuckles. I am sorry to have deceived you, but the safety of the crown was at stake.
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09082004 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2006 | Doctor: Well, Ray, the MRI didn't turn up anything. I'd like to do one last test, a video colonoscopy.
/ Ray: Anything, doc. Whatever you think is necessary. / Doctor: So you know, we're evaluating a new piece of equipment - the Sanryobuki RemoteMed "Trio." It examines three patients at once and is guided... http://achewood.com/?date=09082006 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2006 | [[Doctor holding a clipboard talking to Ray, who is wearing only a long sheet of paper over his front with a strap around the neck]]
/ Doctor: Well, Ray, the MRI didn't turn up anything. I'd like to do one last test, a video colonoscopy.
/ Ray: Anything, doc. Whatever you think is necessary. / Doctor:... http://achewood.com/?date=09082006 |
| Achewood - September 8, 2006 | [[Dr. Andreti is holding a board of some sorts, while Ray is wearing an examination garb]] / Dr. Andretti: Well, Ray, the MRI didn't turn up anything. I'd like to do one last test, a video colonsocopy.
/ Ray: Anything, doc. Whatever you think is necessary. / Dr. Andretti: So, you know, we're evaluating... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09082006 |
| Achewood § September 8, 2009 | [[Beef and Molly's dark bedroom. Molly alone in bed, asleep.]] / [[Beef getting into bed.]] / [[Molly coughs a bit in her sleep.]] / [[Mid shot of Roast Beef.]] / [[Roast Beef thinks to himself:]]
/ Beef: Sorry Molly / Beef: I was a coward who would desert a dyin' man. / [[Hosptial. A doctor over... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09082009 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2002 | [[Ray speaks into the phone to Roast Beef, who is still on the moon. Lyle and Teodor are watching TV in the background.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! You should get down here! We lookin' at *hella porno!* / [[Roast Beef is in the cockpit of Pat's rocket ship speaking on the phone. Ray is visible as an inset head... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092002 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2002 - We lookin' at hella porno | [[Ray speaks into the phone to Roast Beef, who is still on the moon. Lyle and Teodor are watching TV in the background.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! You should get down here! We lookin' at *hella porno!* / [[Roast Beef is in the cockpit of Pat's rocket ship speaking on the phone. Ray is visible as an inset head... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092002 |
| Your Porno Name | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 9, 2003]]
/ [[TRAPPED IN THE DUMBWATER]]
/ Roast Beef: Okay guys uh do you know how to generate your "porn star name"
/ Lyle: No! How? / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef entertained us with an amusing game he had read about on the Web.
/ Roast Beef: Well uh it's pretty fun
/ Roast... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092003 |
| Your Porno Name | [[DIARY STRIP: CORNELIUS BEAR, SEPTEMBER 9, 2003]]
/ [[TRAPPED IN THE DUMBWATER]]
/ Roast Beef: Okay guys uh do you know how to generate your "porn star name"
/ Lyle: No! How? / Mr. Bear: Roast Beef entertained us with an amusing game he had read about on the Web.
/ Roast Beef: Well uh it's pretty fun
/ Roast... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092003 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2004 | Roast Beef: Oh heck if that isn't my cell phone dang it
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092004 |
| Achewood - September 9, 2005 | [[Téodor is on the phone. Philippe is standing next to him.]]
/ Téodor: Pat? Philippe wants to know if he can come look at your aquarium today.
/ Philippe (thinking): Yes! / [[Pat is in front of an aquarium with several kinds of fish and a treasure chest, holding a cordless phone.]]
/ Pat: You told the... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09092005 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2002 | [[The backyard of a house in Achewood. Pat's rocket ship has just touched down and Roast Beef has disembarked via the ramp. Ray is there to greet him.]]
/ Ray: Dogg! It's good to see you! / Roast Beef: yeah uh you too Ray you too
/ Ray: Man, has it been a while!
/ [[He opens his arms and hastens towards... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102002 |
| Ketel One, Eminem, Twain Invents the Internet | [[BACK WITH MARK TWAIN]]
/ Mark Twain: I thanked Ray and Philippe for using their time machine to bring me the wonders of their modern world:
/ Ray: Well, we gotta take. Philippe starts school tomorrow! / Mark Twain: The Ketel One vodka was a great improvement upon the vodkas I had sampled while abroad;
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102003 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2004 | [[Ray_and_Beef_Chat 6.0]]
/ [[(C) R.Beef Kazenzakis 1996-2004]] / ray: Dirty Sanchez all the way!
/ beef: oh man dogg old high school terms such as Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland Steamer, also Donkey Punch
/ beef: man so excellent
/ ray: Don't 4get the Blumpkin!
/ beef: Oh man I have this .txt file of a bunch... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102004 |
| Ray and Beef Chat | [[Ray_and_Beef_Chat 6.0]]
/ [[(C) R.Beef Kazenzakis 1996-2004]] / ray: Dirty Sanchez all the way!
/ beef: oh man dogg old high school terms such as Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland Steamer, also Donkey Punch
/ beef: man so excellent
/ ray: Don't 4get the Blumpkin!
/ beef: Oh man I have this .txt file of a bunch... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102004 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2004 | [[Ray_and_Beef_Chat 6.0]]
/ [[(C) R.Beef Kazenzakis 1996-2004]] / ray: Dirty Sanchez all the way!
/ beef: oh man dogg old high school terms such as Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland Steamer, also Donkey Punch
/ beef: man so excellent
/ ray: Don't 4get the Blumpkin!
/ beef: Oh man I have this .txt file of a bunch... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102004 |
| Achewood - September 10, 2007 | [[Teodor sits at a computer as Mr. Bear looks over his shoulder.]]
/ Mr. Bear: Your reply might have gone to my "Junk" mail folder? How do you mean?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09102008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - September 11, 2002 | [[A backyard in Achewood. Pat's rocket ship, back from the moon, is parked on its fins, the ramp extended but the door shut. Ray is knocking on the door.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! Come on out the spaceship!
/ Roast Beef (inside): why should I... just gonna get *lied to* / Ray: Is that what you really think?... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112002 |
| You just gonna lie to me | [[A backyard in Achewood. Pat's rocket ship, back from the moon, is parked on its fins, the ramp extended but the door shut. Ray is knocking on the door.]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef! Come on out the spaceship!
/ Roast Beef (inside): why should I... Just gonna get lied to / Ray: Is that what you really... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112002 |
| Coming Home / Clues | Ray: Phew, glad THAT'S over! Man, 1882 was MEGA dull!
/ Philippe: You didn't have to lie to him! He was so nice to us! / Ray: Well BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH!
/ Philippe: Ray! Look! The police are at your house! / Ray: That ain't the police! That's the company that looks after my Harman Kardons!
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112003 |
| Coming Home / Clues | Ray: Phew, glad THAT'S over! Man, 1882 was MEGA dull!
/ Philippe: You didn't have to lie to him! He was so nice to us! / Ray: Well BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH blah BLAH!
/ Philippe: Ray! Look! The police are at your house! / Ray: That ain't the police! That's the company that looks after my Harman Kardons!
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112003 |
| Achewood - September 11, 2006 | [[Title: HEUTE AUF DEUTSCH.]]
/ Ray: Ich habe Gesellschaft!
/ {{literally, "I have society"} / [[Statue of Teodor dressed as Klaus Nomi]]
/ Teodor: Im Thuringen sagen sie…
/ [[Subtitle: They have a saying in Thuringen…]] / [[Teodor in front of statue]]
/ Teodor: Hunde mögen nicht Frucht…
/ [[Subtitle: Do... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112006 |
| Achewood - September 11, 2006 | [[Title: HEUTE AUF DEUTSCH.]]
/ Ray: Ich habe Gesellschaft!
/ {{literally, "I have society"} / [[Statue of Teodor dressed as Klaus Nomi]]
/ Teodor: Im Thuringen sagen sie…
/ [[Subtitle: They have a saying in Thuringen…]] / [[Teodor in front of statue]]
/ Teodor: Hunde mögen nicht Frucht…
/ [[Subtitle: Do... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112006 |
| Achewood - September 11, 2008 | [[Ray is in bed, smiling like he did when he got hit between the eyes with a baseball. Beef stands over him, concerned.]]
/ Beef: I get the thing that you were tryin' to do with Tina man / Ray: Spill, Beef. A brother is tore up on toxic shock syndrome and rockin' a Schedule III Sodium Pentothal* in his... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09112008 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walk into a bar that's been decorated to look like Cheers.]]
/ Ray: Look, Beef! I made everything just like Cheers! / [[Teodor is behind the bar - he winks and points his finger.]]
/ Ray: Teodor is like Sam, all cool and smooth...
/ Teodor: What'll it be, Beef? / [[Mr. Bear raises... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122002 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walk into a bar; Ray has his right arm over Beef's left shoulder. Teodor is behind the bar, wearing a slicked-back black toupee and collared shirt. A banner above him says "Cheers."]]
/ Ray: Look, Beef! I made everything just like Cheers! / [[Teodor is behind the bar - he winks and... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122002 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Ray walk into a bar that's been decorated to look like Cheers.]]
/ Ray: Look, Beef! I made everything just like Cheers! / [[Téodor is behind the bar - he winks and points his finger.]]
/ Ray: Téodor is like Sam, all cool and smooth...
/ Téodor: What'll it be, Beef? / [[Mr. Bear... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122002 |
| Hot Lunches | [[Ray is on the phone]]
/ Ray: Yes, this is Mr. Smuckles. I understand there's been a disturbance in my home?
/ Ray: Ah-ha, I see. But no trace of vandalism? / Ray: Very good. Well, you may dismiss your guard. I'll be home shortly.
/ Ray: No, thank YOU Carrie!! / [[SOON]]
/ Ray: So let me get this straight:
/ Ray:... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122003 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2005 | [[Ray is reading Maxim.]]
/ Ray: Well I'll be! Says here that George Clooney is learnin' Coptic!
/ Ray: Daaamn! / Ray: Hello, CafePress? I need to have a shirt made. I want it to be white and say certain information about George Clooney--
/ Ray: Oh, use your website? Yeah, I'll just use your website.... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122005 |
| Achewood - September 12, 2007 | Cornelius Bear Thought Patters and Processes
/ ->
/ Yaaawn! (Am I the only fellow who effects a proper double-armed yawn upon waking anymore?)
/ ->
/ HM. Four hours 'til I open the pub. What to do?
/ -> {{A/B}} / {{A}}
/ Grind out new romance novel
/ -> Theme? ->
/ A man named Derek comes to crave a woman... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122007 |
| It's a Fuck You Friday! 09/12/2008 | IT'S A FUCK YOU FRIDAY / [[Ray, at a fast-food counter, looks at his plate with one eyebrow raised.]]
/ Ray: Woah, you guys buy your tortilla chips at the damn [i]store?[/i] What kind of candy assed taqueria is this, anyway?
/ Server: [i]Chupa mi pene, cabron.[/i] / [[Pat stands at his doorway, speaking... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122008 |
| It's a Fuck You Friday! 09/12/2008 | IT'S A FUCK YOU FRIDAY / [[Ray, at a fast-food counter, looks at his plate with one eyebrow raised.]]
/ Ray: Woah, you guys buy your tortilla chips at the damn [i]store?[/i] What kind of candy assed taqueria is this, anyway?
/ Server: [i]Chupa mi pene, cabron.[/i] / [[Pat stands at his doorway, speaking... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09122008 |
| Beef gets bent | [[Roast Beef and Ray stand at a bar tended by Philippe, who is wearing a strange wig.]]
/ Beef: You...you did all this for me Ray? / Ray: That's right, Beef! And after we have some drinks we all goin' out for pepperoni pizza! / Beef: Man I would love a pepperoni pizza All hot and crispy as the Dickens... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132002 |
| Achewood - September 13, 2004 | [Roast beef is on the phone in his darkened room. We only hear his side of the dialog.]
/ Roast Beef: Johnny Cash traded his knuckles in for dirt exactly a year ago dogg can you believe it / Roast Beef: Yeah I tried to do a thing or two / Roast Beef: Well like I was gonna wear all black but all I could... http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09132004 |
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