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Achewood - December 15, 2004 [[Roast Beef sits in a chair, Ray stands by him]] / Ray: Why you watchin' the Spice channel with closed captioning on, Beef? / Roast Beef: Check it out Ray this is interesting / Roast Beef: Don't the transcriber's style sound familiar to you / [[Closeup of television captioning]] / Captioning: ...IT WAS...
Achewood - December 15, 2006 Ray: The way mom tells it, Rustmouth was a bitter man, soured on beer, and given to claims. / Lyle: Like what? / Ray: A few scholarly works state that he claims to have had the first group sex in America -- though recently unearthed wax recordings have him saying that he didn't much like it. Here, I have...
Achewood - December 15, 2006 {Alt Text: Antoyne Cheops, Man of Claims.} / [[Ray sits at his desk, Lyle standing before him with his usual bottle of Jack]] / Ray: The way mom tells it, Rustmouth was a bitter man, soured on beer, and given to claims. / Lyle: Like what? / Ray: A few scholarly works state that he claims to have had the...
Achewood - December 15, 2006 Ray: The way mom tells it, Rustmouth was a bitter man, soured on beer, and given to claims. / Lyle: Like what? / Ray: A few scholarly works state that he claims to have had the first group sex in America -- though recently unearthed wax recordings have him saying that he didn't much like it. Here, I...
Achewood - December 15, 2006 Ray: The way mom tells it, Rustmouth was a bitter man, soured on beer, and given to claims. / Lyle: Like what? / Ray: A few scholarly works state that he claims to have had the first group sex in America — though recently unearthed wax recordings have him saying that he didn't much like it. Here, I have...
Antonyne Cheops, Man of Claims [[Ray and Lyle, in Ray's office.]] / Ray: The way mom tells it, Rustmouth was a bitter man, soured on beer, and given to claims. / Lyle: Like what? / Ray: A few scholarly works state that he claims to have had the first group sex in America -- though recently unearthed wax recordings have him saying that...
Achewood - December 15, 2006 [[Ray is sitting at his desk. Lyle is sitting on the other side, holding a bottle of drink.]] / Ray: The way mom tells it, Rustmouth was a bitter man, soured on beer, and given to claims. / Lyle: Like what? / [[Ray reaches under the desk.]] / Ray: A few scholarly works state that he claims to have had...
Achewood - December 15, 2006 Ray: The way mom tells it, Rustmouth was a bitter man, soured on beer, and given to claims. / Lyle: Like what? / Ray: A few scholarly works state that he claims to have had the first group sex in America -- though recently unearthed wax recordings have him saying that he didn't much like it. Here, I...
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12152008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12152008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - December 16, 2002 [[Ray and Roast Beef are driving]] / Ray: Hey hey! Looks like we finally found downtown! / [[A dancing santa is in the car incessantly singing Twist and Shout]] / Roast Beef: Maybe you should put the pants back on the dancin' Santa / Ray: Oh! Right-- / [[Ray sees a sign for Haunches: Hof Brau - Dancers]] / Ray:...
Achewood - December 16, 2002 [[Signs on buildings: / SUZY WOO'S full massage / LUCCHESI'S SPORTS BOOK / FATBUXX CHECK CASHING 24 HOURS]] / Ray: (off-panel) Hey hey! Looks like we finally found downtown! / [[Ray and Roast Beef in the car. The Dancing Santa is standing on the dashboard, pants gone.]] / <> / Roast...
Achewood - December 16, 2003 [[ROAST BEEF is in a phone booth]] / ROAST BEEF: What in the heck was that all about then / Phillippe is not usually rather rude / [[ROAST BEEF is back in his 1982 Subaru Brat]] / RB: Ooh dang maybe that's Ray's car / / [[peers inside]] / RB: Yep / RB (thinking): Only one dude I know drives...
Achewood - December 16, 2003 [[ROAST BEEF is in a phone booth, having finished his disappointing phone call to Phillippe]] / ROAST BEEF: What in the heck was that all about then / Phillippe is not usually rather rude / [[ROAST BEEF is back in his 1982 Subaru Brat, driving past a hotel]] / Roast Beef: Ooh dang maybe that's Ray's car / [[ROAST...
 
Achewood - December 16, 2004 [[Cornelius is in bed, talking on the phone. A keyboard sits on his lap]] / Cornelius: Well, as you know, I'm on bed rest while I recover from the shooting. / Cornelius: The Spice Channel was kind enough to outfit me with a wireless keyboard so that I can transcribe the shows in real-time from the comfort...
Achewood - December 16, 2004 [[Cornelius is in bed, talking on the phone. A keyboard sits on his lap]] / Cornelius: Well, as you know, I'm on bed rest while I recover from the shooting. / Cornelius: The Spice Channel was kind enough to outfit me with a wireless keyboard so that I can transcribe the shows in real-time from the comfort...
Achewood - December 16, 2005 [[Ray and Roast Beef sit in armchairs]] / Ray: Sheesh. Remember just watchin' Mr. Wizard? I never gave diabetes a thought back then, man. But now. / Roast Beef: Dogg you ain't even got diabetes you just predisposed to it 'cause you eat a wedge of brie in the manner of pie / Ray: But I'm French! French...
Ray Parks Like A Bitch [[Ray and Roast Beef sit in armchairs]] / Ray: Sheesh. Remember just watchin' Mr. Wizard? I never gave diabetes a thought back then, man. But now. / Roast Beef: Dogg you ain't even got diabetes you just predisposed to it 'cause you eat a wedge of brie in the manner of pie / Ray: But I'm French! French...
Achewood - December 16, 2005 [[Ray and Roast Beef sit in armchairs]] / Ray: Sheesh. Remember just watchin' Mr. Wizard? I never gave diabetes a thought back then. But now, man. But now. / Roast Beef: Dogg you ain't even got diabetes you just predisposed to it 'cause you eat a wedge of brie in the manner of pie / Ray: But I'm...
Téodor's New Look [[Lyle stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks twice]] / Lyle: So, Téodor, heard from Penny lately? / [[Téodor speaks unseen from inside the bathroom]] / Téodor: She's at her sister's house in Berkeley. She said they might swing by here later on. / [[Lyle is surprised]] / Lyle: Wow! / Téodor: Whatever....
Téodor's New Look [[Lyle stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks twice.]] / Lyle: So, Téodor, heard from Penny lately? / <> / [[Téodor speaks unseen from inside the bathroom]] / Téodor: She's at her sister's house in Berkeley. She said they might swing by here later on. / Lyle: Wow! / Téodor: Whatever....
Téodor's New Look [[Lyle stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks twice]] / Lyle: So, Téodor, heard from Penny lately? / [[Téodor speaks unseen from inside the bathroom]] / Téodor: She's at her sister's house in Berkeley. She said they might swing by here later on. / [[Lyle is surprised]] / Lyle: Wow! / Téodor: Whatever....
Achewood - December 17, 2002 [[Ray on his cell phone in passenger seat of a car]] / Ray: Hey Vlad! You know anything about this club called Haunches? / Is it a pretty good club? / [[Vlad on cell phone next to poster of Chuck Norris in Crazy Sunday]] / Vlad: Yes, Vlad has lost many nights to the ladies there / [[Ray in car]] / Vlad...
Achewood - December 17, 2002 [[Ray on his cell phone in passenger seat of a car]] / Ray: Hey Vlad! You know anything about this club called Haunches? / Ray: Is it a pretty good club? / [[Vlad on cell phone, holding a tankard of beer. Behind him is a poster titled "Chuck Norris in Crazy Sunday" and showing a man aiming a flying...
Achewood - December 17, 2003 Roast Beef: Well would you look at that / Roast Beef: Classic Ray / Roast Beef: Old School all the way / Roast Beef: Good thing I saw that 7-11 / Roast Beef: V8, Miller Lite and raw egg / Roast Beef: There is balm in Gilead
 
Achewood - December 17, 2007 [[By the bathroom door. A funk is wafting through the keyhole.]] / Cornelius: Oh, lord. / Teodor: What's the matter? / Cornelius: Lyle is hogging our sole restroom once again, and once again he has not "courtesy flushed." / Teodor: I thought only women courtesy flushed. / Cornelius: His lavatory mist...
Achewood - December 18, 2001 (A dangerously good haircut) Todd: Hey Teodor, I heard your lady friend was comin' into town! / Teodor: Yeah, hopefully tonight. / Todd: Izzat why your hair's all done up fancy? / Teodor: ...does it remind you of anyone? / Todd: Yeah! It looks just like Archie! You look frikkin' awesome! / Teodor: Really? You could tell right away? / Todd:...
Achewood - December 18, 2001 (A dangerously good haircut) [[Todd and Téodor together in a room, Todd standing on a counter about eye level with Téodor. Téodor still looks like Archie.]] / Todd: Hey Téodor, I heard your lady friend was comin' into town! / Téodor: Yeah, hopefully tonight. / Todd: Izzat why your hair's all done up fancy? / Téodor: ...does it remind...
Achewood - December 18, 2001 (A dangerously good haircut) [[Todd stands on counter and addresses Téodor.]] / Todd: Hey Téodor, I heard your lady friend was comin' into town! / Téodor: Yeah, hopefully tonight. / Todd: Izzat why your hair's all done up fancy? / Téodor: ...does it remind you of anyone? / Todd: Yeah! It looks just like Archie! You look frikkin'...
Shut the hell up *dick* Roast Beef; Alright / Roast Beef; Red light / Roast Beef; Do what you gotta do / [[Ray vomits]] / <> / Roast Beef; Think you got any left in you / Ray; shut the hell up dick
Shut the hell up *dick* Roast Beef: Alright / Roast Beef: Red light / Roast Beef: Do what you gotta do / [[Ray vomits]] / <> / Roast Beef: Think you got any left in you / Ray: shut the hell up dick / {{Just shut the hell up I'm in no mood}}
Shut the hell up *dick* Roast Beef; Alright / Roast Beef; Red light / Roast Beef; Do what you gotta do / [[Ray vomits]] / <> / Roast Beef; Think you got any left in you / Ray; shut the hell up dick / {{Just shut the hell up I'm in no mood}}
Achewood - December 18, 2006 "See, Lyle, all his life Rustmouth was the quintessential bluesman. Absolutely everything he did was touched by bad luck. He was blessed by that bad luck, in a way. But then along came Silent Bird Wallace and suddenly Rustmouth wasn't the unluckiest man alive any more. Just his luck." / "Silent...
Achewood - December 18, 2006 [[The first panel is simply text.]] / "See, Lyle, all his life Rustmouth was the quintessential bluesman. Absolutely everything he did was touched by bad luck. He was blessed by that bad luck, in a way. But then along came Silent Bird Wallace and suddenly Rustmouth wasn't the unluckiest man alive any...
Achewood - December 18, 2006 [[An all-text panel filling the left side of the page, containing Ray's and Lyle's conversation.]] / "See, Lyle, all his life Rustmouth was the quintessential bluesman. Absolutely everything he did was touched by bad luck. He was blessed by that bad luck, in a way. But then along came Silent Bird Wallace...
Achewood - December 18, 2006 Ray: "See, Lyle, all his life Rustmouth was the quintessential bluesman. Absolutely everything he did was touched by bad luck. He was blessed by that bad luck, in a way. But then along came Silent Bird Wallace and suddenly Rustmouth wasn't the unluckiest man alive any more. Just his luck." / ...
Achewood § December 18, 2008 Roast Beef IN 'Because I Got Depression' – Selected scenes – / [[Molly is watching Roast Beef use his computer. Roast Beef is frowning.]] / WHAT IS SAID. / Molly: Your mousepad's all faded and oily. We should get you a new one! / BUT. / [[Molly is screaming. Roast Beef is screaming and squinting and...
 
Achewood § December 18, 2009 [[Ray and Roast Beef are watching television.]] / Ray: Man, I've had it with old people sayin' "our morals gettin' worse with every generation" and "why can't it be like the good old days." / Ray: Ain't those the same people gave us lynch mobs, asbestos, and flour-gut? / Beef: Here / [[Picks up remote,...
Achewood - December 19, 2001 [[Téodor, full wine glass in hand; in front of him is another full wine glass and a mostly full wine bottle]] / Téodor: Um ... you've probably noticed that I'm not ... not exactly a ... HUMAN man ... / [[Wine bottle is now slightly less full, wine glass opposite Téodor is empty]] / Téodor: So! You're...
Waiting for Penny [[Téodor, full wine glass in hand; in front of him is another full wine glass and a mostly full wine bottle]] / Téodor: Um ... you've probably noticed that I'm not ... not exactly a ... HUMAN man ... / [[Wine bottle is now slightly less full, wine glass opposite Téodor is empty]] / Téodor: So! You're...
Achewood - December 19, 2002 [[Ray and Beef are sitting up at the stage of Haunches. Beef looks morose, but Ray is enthusiastic.]] / BEEF: Dang / BEEF: I ain't never seen no one pick up a dollar bill that way / RAY: Ain't it great! / [[Ray stands up, a dollar bill clenched held in his mouth]] / <http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12192002
Achewood - December 19, 2002 [[Ray and Roast Beef are sitting up at the stage of Haunches. Beef looks morose, but Ray is enthusiastic.]] / Roast Beef: Dang / Roast Beef: I ain't never seen no one pick up a dollar bill that way / Ray: Ain't it great! / [[Ray stands up, a dollar bill clenched held in his mouth]] / <http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12192002
Denise Are You Crappin' [[A Friendly's restaurant with a banner for a "$5.99 Burger Basket"]] / [[Inside, Beef leans over a menu, looking mildly annoyed]] / Roast Beef; Damn / Roast Beef; He sure is takin' a while / Roast Beef; Hope he didn't pass out again / [[Beef looks up, concerned]] / Roast Beef; Waitress already came by...
Achewood - December 19, 2005 [[Téodor lies in bed, on his side, keeping his eyes shut tight.]] / <> / [[One eye opens.]] / <> / [[He rolls onto his back and pulls the covers to his nose.]] / Téodor (thinking): AGH! The fucking dog! What is it,...
 
Achewood - December 19, 2006 [[Ray and Lyle drinking]] / Ray: Silent Bird Wallace, mute as he was, paired up with Alosius, a stone-deaf and illiterate singer with the most beautiful voice anyone had ever heard. / Audiences wept that he could not know the miracle of his own singing. / [[Bird Wallace singing]] / Lyle: Wait. If he...
Achewood - December 19, 2006 [[Ray and Lyle drinking]] / Ray: Silent Bird Wallace, mute as he was, paired up with Aloisius, a stone-deaf and illiterate singer with the most beautiful voice anyone had ever heard. / Audiences wept that he could not know the miracle of his own singing. / [[Bird Wallace singing]] / Lyle: Wait. If he...
Achewood - December 19, 2006 [[Ray and Lyle drinking]] / Ray: Silent Bird Wallace, mute as he was, paired up with Aloisius, a stone-deaf and illiterate singer with the most beautiful voice anyone had ever heard. / Audiences wept that he could not know the miracle of his own singing. / [[Aloisius singing]] / Lyle: Wait. If he was...
Achewood - December 19, 2006 [[Ray and Lyle drinking]] / Ray: Silent Bird Wallace, mute as he was, paired up with Alosius, a stone-deaf and illiterate singer with the most beautiful voice anyone had ever heard. / Audiences wept that he could not know the miracle of his own singing. / [[Bird Wallace singing into a microphone. The...
Achewood - December 19, 2007 [[Cornelius' room]] / <> / Cornelius: Oh, my aching head... / <> / Cornelius: Where... where am I? / Ah, I am in my bed. Thank God for small favors. / [[He answers the phone]] / Cornelius: Yes, hello? Cornelius... speaking. / Teodor: CORNELIUS! IT'S TEODOR! HOW ARE YOU DOING! HAI-EEEEEEEE! / Cornelius:...
Achewood - December 20, 2001 Lyle sees the clock. It is seven, or perhaps 7:35, in the morning. <> Lyle: Oh man. Seven A.M. and sober as a Turk. / He opens the refrigerator; there are liquor bottles inside. Lyle: Ugh. Too early. Too early. / Lyle is seen through the window. <> / Again, Lyle is seen through the...
Lyle's pensive morning moment [[Lyle sees the clock. It is seven, or perhaps 7:35, in the morning.]] / <> / Lyle: Oh man. Seven A.M. and sober as a Turk. / [[He opens the refrigerator; there are liquor bottles inside.]] / Lyle: Ugh. Too early. Too early. / Lyle looks out the window. / <> / Lyle: Why can't I wake up...
Achewood - December 20, 2001 [[Lyle sees the clock. It is seven, or perhaps 7:35, in the morning.]] / <> / Lyle: Oh man. Seven A.M. and sober as a Turk. / [[He opens the refrigerator; there are liquor bottles inside.]] / Lyle: Ugh. Too early. Too early. / [[Lyle is seen through the window.]] / <> / [[Again, Lyle...
Showbiz [[Ray and Roast Beef are in a strip club. There are three empty martini glasses in front of Ray, and two bills in front of Roast Beef.]] / Ray: HEY Roast Beef! Order us summore drinks! I'm gonna go hit the can! / Ray: You hear me? I'M GONNA GO HIT THE CAN! / Roast Beef: Alright Ray What you into / Ray:...
Showbiz [[Ray and Roast Beef are in a strip club. There are three empty martini glasses in front of Ray, and two bills in front of Roast Beef.]] / Ray: HEY Roast Beef! Order us summore drinks! I'm gonna go hit the can! / Ray: You hear me? I'M GONNA GO HIT THE CAN! / Roast Beef: Alright Ray What you into / Ray:...
Achewood - December 20, 2004 [[Ray and Roast Beef are wearing manes purchased off eBay]] / Ray: ROAR! / Roast Beef: Hell of such as meow / Ray: ROARRRRR! ... ROAR ROAR ROAR! / Roast Beef: I don't know dogg this mane isn't doing much for me / Ray: The Guy on eBay said it might take a few minutes for our primal instincts to kick...
Achewood - December 20, 2004 [[Ray and Roast Beef are wearing manes purchased off eBay]] / Ray: ROAR! / Roast Beef: Hell of such as meow / Ray: ROARRRRR! ... ROAR ROAR ROAR! / Roast Beef: I don't know dogg this mane isn't doing much for me / Ray: The Guy on eBay said it might take a few minutes for our primal instincts to kick...
 
Achewood § December 20, 2007 Cornelius is on the floor, on elbows and knees, head down. He wears only boxer shorts. / He looks up, furious grief on his face. / <> He swipes a lamp from a small table, his back to us, his underwear askew, his shoulders hunched. / Cornelius: RRRAAGGGHHH! / He tears at his newly tattooed...
Achewood - December 21, 2001 [[Todd is working on his van]] / Todd: BLISTER? Is that you? / Blister: IT IS ME THE GHOST OF BLISTER YOUR OLD FRIEND / Todd: What are you doin' back among the livin'? D-D-Do you have... unfinished business? / Blister: I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER / / Todd: Can you walk through things? / Blister: TOTALLY / Todd:...
YOUR OLD FRIEND BLISTER [[Todd is working on his van. Various tools are strewn over the floor.]] / Todd: BLISTER? Is that you? / Blister: IT IS ME THE GHOST OF BLISTER YOUR OLD FRIEND / Todd: What are you doin' back among the livin'? D-D-Do you have... unfinished business? / Blister: I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER / [[Silence]] / Todd:...
Achewood - December 21, 2001 [[Todd stands by his van, shocked. Tools lay around the van. Blister is dressed like an angel.]] / Todd: BLISTER? Is that you? / Blister: IT IS ME THE GHOST OF BLISTER YOUR OLD FRIEND / Todd: What are you doin' back among the livin'? D-D-Do you have... unfinished business? / Blister: I DON'T...
Achewood - December 21, 2004 [[Cornelius is in bed, transcribing pornography]] / Cornelius: The mechanic, who was curiously outfitted with only a hammer, took a cursory glance at the vehicle before focusing on the woman's-- / <> / Ray Smuckles: Cornelius... Dogg... We got maaaaanes... / Cornelius:...
Téodor's Naked Packaging [[Téodor is running back to his room. He is naked. Onstad spots him.]] / Onstad: Téodor! / [[Téodor continues to run to his room]] / Onstad: TÉODOR! / [[Téodor turns and faces Onstad]] / Onstad: Come out to the studio and help me pack! / [[Téodor becomes annoyed]] / Téodor: It's five o'clock in the morning! / Onstad:...
Téodor's Naked Packaging [[Téodor is running back to his room. He is naked. Onstad spots him.]] / Onstad: Téodor! / [[Téodor continues to run to his room]] / Onstad: TÉODOR! / [[Téodor turns and faces Onstad]] / Onstad: Come out to the studio and help me pack! / [[Téodor becomes annoyed]] / Téodor: It's five o'clock in the morning! / Onstad:...
Achewood - December 21, 2006 [[The door of Prime Time Records.]] / Ray: uyuygugiiuy / [[Ray and Lyle are sitting at their respective sides of the desk in Ray's office.]] / Ray: Then the recording age came, and nobody wanted to buy a record of a notary reading a laundry list of unusual woes. / Lyle: So Rustmouth got back his rightful...
Achewood - December 21, 2006 [[The door of Prime Time Records.]] / Ray: Eventually, though, Bird's luck ran out. Aloisius and the interpreter realized they didn't need him, and started their own gig. / [[Ray and Lyle are sitting at their respective sides of the desk in Ray's office.]] / Ray: Then the recording age came, and nobody...
Achewood - December 21, 2006 [[The door of Prime Time Records.]] / Ray: Eventually, though, Bird's luck ran out. Aloisius and the interpreter realized they didn't need him, and started their own gig. / [[Ray and Lyle are sitting at their respective sides of the desk in Ray's office.]] / Ray: Then the recording age came, and nobody...
Achewood - December 21, 2006 [[The door of Prime Time Records.]] / Ray: Eventually, though, Bird's luck ran out. Aloisius and the interpreter realized they didn't need him, and started their own gig. / [[Ray and Lyle are sitting at their respective sides of the desk in Ray's office.]] / Ray: Then the recording age came, and nobody...
Achewood - December 21, 2006 [[The door of Prime Time Records. "Ray Smuckles: President" ]] / Ray: Eventually, though, Bird's luck ran out. Aloisius and the interpreter realized they didn't need him, and started their own gig. / [[Ray and Lyle are sitting at their respective sides of the desk in Ray's office.]] / Ray: Then the recording...
 

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