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Achewood - March 7, 2003	[[Roast Beef, in heaven]] / Caption: HEAVEN / [[Picture of one them little soda guns]] / Roast Beef: Dang even got one 'a them little soda guns / Roast Beef: Tonic and everything / Roast Beef: I could mix up some rude drinks if anyone was around / <> / Roast Beef: I guess I got all of eternity now though / Roast Beef: No reason I can't just have a drink all alone / [[Roast Beef, sitting on the Futon]] / Roast Beef: Well here I am / Roast Beef: Drunk in Heaven / Roast Beef: Kinda seems redundant / Caption: MEANWHILE / [[Ray waking up in a hospital bed is joined by Dr. Andretti]] / Dr. Andretti: Ray! Wake up! I'm not going to harvest a lung from you. That wouldn't make sense. / Ray: Oh! Hey! I had an amazing dream! / Ray: We can take a lung from one of my AIBOs and give it to Beef! / Ray: Now don't you say a word. I have made the decision to sacrifice one of my little guys and that's final. / Ray: Please don't ask me to reconsider. / Caption: SOON / [[Ray, sobbing, holding a gun (tic-tac?) in one hand and one of his AIBOs in the other]] / Ray: I'M SORRY DOCTOR KISSES / Ray: I'M SO SO SORRY / Ray: OH I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER DOCTOR KISSES / Ray: PLEASE FORGIVE ME / <> / Ray: Oh my god this is so hard / Doctor Kisses: ARF! / {{title text: in heaven you can't die}} / {{archive title: Drunk in Heaven}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03072003
Achewood - March 7, 2005	[[Pat preparing to play the banjo]] / <> / [[Pat preparing to play]] / <> / [[Teodor watching Pat from behind a door; Pat preparing to play]] / Teodor (thinking): Crap, Pat showed up. I think I'll hang back. / <> / Ray (on Teodor's cell phone): Sorry, Doc, but this is serious! Help me! / Teodor (thinking): Whoops, I hit the two-way. / Ray (on phone): What can you give me for the Conniptions? / Teodor (thinking): Conniptions? / Teodor (thinking): Maybe Ray wasn't joking with all that yelling! What if he's having a stroke? / [[Pat playing banjo; Roast Beef looks disgusted]] / <> / Ray (on phone): THE TRIBULATION IS AT HAND! THE PLOW THAT RENDS THE EARTH SHALL UNLEASH THE RIVERS OF BILE! / Doc Andretti (on phone): Mmhm. Okay, Ray. Try some Pepto and call me in an hour. / <> / Ray (on phone): AAAIIIGHT! / [[Lyle holding a videotape]] / Lyle: Guess who just got a bootleg of the Paul Prudhomme sex tape! Hint: Me. It was me. Living room, now. / Pat: Lyle! You absolute IDIOT! How DARE you interrupt my performance! / Ray (on phone): Whoah, I blacked out again! Doc? Doc, you there? / [[Light bulb above Teodor's head]] / Teodor: Pat! Play just one single note! / Pat: This one, prick? / <> / Ray (on phone): Ow! There it goes again! Diabetes! Can anyone hear me? Doc? Doc? / {{Oh bless you if you get the Conniptions, bless those who get the Conniptions.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03072005
Achewood - March 7, 2006	The Acres, Early Evening, Day 2 / Ray: Who! Damn, but did I need that nap! / Ray [thinks]: Thank you, Cristian Brothers! / Ray [thinks]: And thank YOU, flavorless overcooked supermarket turkey that was in the back of some dude's car for way longer than recommended! / Back at Camp / Ray: Hey you two! Where's Beef? I got to discuss somethin' with him! / Dude: Goodness, mate -- you've not heard, have you? A mess of blokes came an' done him in while you were at your feast! / Dude #2: He's out of the Fight! / [[Ray is shocked]] / Ray: WHAT?! Who the hell was it! Is he okay? Talk to me, you two! Now! / Dude: It were that Cody Travis lot! They'd got it in their heads that he'd set Cody up to fight you! / Ray: How bad did they do him. Talk to me. / Dude 2: It weren't pretty, mate. I think he was well-on senseless the last few minutes. / Dude: They said they'd be comin' 'round for you next, mate. Best be ready. / Dude 2: They ran about fifty strong, I'd say. One of 'em had a limp. / Ray: Well, I'm gonna save 'em the walk. You dopes stay here and keep up the great work. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03072006
Achewood - March 7, 2006	The Acres, Early Evening, Day 2 / [[Prone figures lie amid the debris while small brawls continue. A bespectacled man is straining to hold away the fist of the moustachioed fighter who has him in a hammer lock. Nearby, a skinhead slams a luckless combatant into the ground. A fat man kneels alone, gasping at the sky.]] / [[Ray awakes in the tent, in the corner of the Acres.]] / Ray: Who! Damn, but did I need that nap! / Ray [thinks]: Thank you, Christian Brothers! / Ray [thinks]: And thank YOU, flavorless overcooked supermarket turkey that was in the back of some dude's car for way longer than recommended! / Back at Camp / [[Ray sees Ted and Barry standing together]] / Ray: Hey you two! Where's Beef? I got to discuss somethin' with him! / Feckless Ted Cobb: Goodness, mate -- you've not heard, have you? A mess of blokes came an' done him in while you were at your feast! / Barry King: He's out of the Fight! / [[Ray is shocked]] / Ray: WHAT?! Who the hell was it! Is he okay? Talk to me, you two! Now! / Barry King: It were that Cody Travis lot! They'd got it in their heads that he'd set Cody up to fight you! / Ray: How bad did they do him. Talk to me. / Barry King: It weren't pretty, mate. I think he was well-on senseless the last few minutes. / Feckless Ted Cobb: They said they'd be comin' 'round for you next, mate. Best be ready. / Barry King: They ran about fifty strong, I'd say. One of 'em had a limp. / Ray [[adjusts hat]]: Well, I'm gonna save 'em the walk. You dopes stay here and keep up the great work. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03072006
Achewood - March 7, 2007	[[Vlad encounters Téodor, who is standing in a doorway. Vlad is carrying a duffle bag with the star of David on it.]] / Vlad: Téodor! You are Jewish guy, yes? / Téodor: Huh? Oh, not really. I mean, my ancestors were, but I don't observe. / Vlad: Perhaps it is time to get back in the game! And truly, here is the opportunity. Check out this line of Jewish supplies I am offerink! / [[Close up of Vlad's hand. He is holding a yarmulke with the text "I AM WITH STUPID" printed on it.]] / Vlad: Who cannot want "Comedy Moments" yarmulke! Is free hair clip! This is bonus! Also we have... / Téodor: Who's supposed to be stupid? Your butt? Your nose? / [[Vlad is holding a large t-shirt. The text "KISS ME I'M KOSHER" is printed in a faux-hebrew font on the shirt.]] / Vlad: White Beefy-T! Wear it to the saloon, the chicks are tearink off their panties with both hands! Yum! / Téodor: I've never seen a woman act that way. Ever. And I don't think that shirt is the solution. / [[Close-up of Vlad's hand holding a poster. The poster reads: JEWISHNESS: 2007 WORLD TOUR]] / Vlad: Of course is this mini-poster! / Téodor: You made that on a laser printer! That's not even a product! / Vlad: Gay black Jew mother-in-law walks into bar operated by Kramer, Jeff Foxworthy, and Tim Hardaway. / Téodor: ...and? / Vlad: Five dollars. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03072007
Achewood - March 7, 2008	AN AFTERNOON WITH... Molly Sanders {{strip in the same style as the other thought flowcharts for other characters}} / Molly: Beef? Did you hear that? / Beef: "Dammit woman ain't been no sounds" / Molly: I heard something at the front door! / [OPEN DOOR] / Molly: Philippe! How long have you been standing there? You're shivering! / [BRING HIM INSIDE] / Philippe: "M-M-Molly, c-c-can I ask you a question about Jesus?" / Beef: "Why ain't you just knock on the damn door you got a question like that" / Molly: Beef! He's just a little kid! It's scary to ask about Jesus! [[In Private]] Never mind him, Philippe. I lost a bet and now he gets to act like an angry blue-collar father all day. What was your question, sweetie? / Philippe: "If Jesus was a dog, would he wear a cape and walk on two legs?" / Molly: He sure would! Let me draw you a picture. / Beef: "Dammit woman" / Philippe: "Oh boy!" / [[picture of a dog with its tongue hanging out standing upright and wearing a cape]] / Philippe: "Wow! You are a good artist, Molly! Can we show that he has been eating chocolate?" / Molly: Okay! / Beef: "Dammit woman don't let the boy believe that dogs can enjoy cocoa-based products" / Molly: Beef! Put a sock in it! [[same picture of the dog, but now there is chocolate around his mouth and on his paw]] / Philippe"Ha ha! Cool! Can we make a comic book about him?" / Molly: Sure! / Beef: "Dammit woman do not set the boy to wicked schemes" / Molly: Shut up, Beef. / [[cover of a comic by P & M entitled 'Jesus - The Dog Who had some Serious Religion Chops']] / Beef: "Dammit woman do not represent our lord as a golden lab that is hell of sacrilage" / Picture of Jesus on the wall: I'd be more like a basenji (E#m chord on organ) / Beef: 'You hear that woman he'd be more like a basenji dammit why does no one listen to me" / {{Alt-Text: Seriously, golden labs are like that part at the very end of Flowers For Algernon}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03072008

Achewood - March 8, 2002	[[Cornelius encounters Philippe, who is wearing glasses.]] / Cornelius: Phillippe! When did you start wearing eyeglasses? / Phillippe: My mom sent them to me. I haven't been seeing well. / Cornelius: My heavens! May I administer an eye test? / Phillipe: Okay / [[Cornelius produces a book from his pocket.]] / Cornelius: Here, what does this say? / Phillippe: I don't know any of those words. / [[Cornelius examines the book]] / Cornelius: Oh, I'm sorry! This is Catullus in the original Latin! Naughty me! / Phillippe: Who's Catullus? / [[Ray shoves Cornelius aside.]] / Ray: Catullus was the first poet who ever got his Bone on, little man! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03082002
Achewood - March 8, 2004	Lazarus: RAY! If you could please focus for five seconds! / Ray: Sorry, man! That chochicha had some hangin' naturals! / Ray: Hee hee! / Lazarus: We were going over 10-Q reports for the furniture industry. / Ray: I bet her name was Michelle! / Ray: I BET her name was Michelle, dude! / Lazarus {{thought balloon}}: I've got to get this guy's mind off of women for God's sake / Lazarus: Say, Ray, did you know that during lovemaking your penis repeatedly bumps up against a viscous plug of hard cervical mucus? / Ray: Huh? Hold on, WHAT? / Lazarus: It's like Charlie Chaplin's hat, only much smaller. / Ray {{thought balloon}}: Tiny cervical mucus hat. Monopoly meets Fear Factor. Today, I am a genius. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03082004
Achewood - March 8, 2004	Lazarus: RAY! If you could please focus for five seconds! / Ray: Sorry, man! That chochicha had some hangin' naturals! / Ray: Hee hee! / Lazarus: We were going over 10-Q reports for the furniture industry. / Ray: I bet her name was Michelle! / Ray: I BET her name was Michelle, dude! / Lazarus {{thought balloon}}: I've got to get this guy's mind off of women for God's sake / Lazarus: Say, Ray, did you know that during lovemaking your penis repeatedly bumps up against a viscous plug of hard cervical mucus? / Ray: Huh? Hold on, WHAT? / Lazarus: It's like Charlie Chaplin's hat, only much smaller. / Ray {{thought balloon}}: Tiny cervical mucus hat. Monopoly meets Fear Factor. Today, I am a genius. / {{alt text: cunny booger}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03082004
Achewood - March 8, 2005	Pat, I need the banjo. / Fine, you can have it when I'm done. / I need it now. / Not a chance. Roast Beef hasn't heard my composition yet. / Give it here. / Nothing doing. / Now! / No! / Give me the banjo, Pat! / Not a chance. / Please give me the banjo. / Say pretty please. / Pretty please give me the banjo, Pat. / No! Ha ha! / Unh! / You made me drop it, you damned fool! NOW the banjo is broken! NOW it's broken! / Yeeks! Oh no! / [[Pat is dragged out the door by the banjo]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03082005
The Cody Travis Army	[[There are four guys with cowboy hats lined up]] / Second guy: Well if it ain't the peckerwood that took down Cody. Lookit 'im run, boys. He 'specting us to turn and high-tail? / [[Guy spits]] / <> / Fourth guy: Moves pretty fast for a boy who dines on fine cakes and city-wine, if'n you ask - / [[Ray tackles the fourth guy]] / [[Ray has no mercy.]] / <> / [[Ray has bloody hands, and turns to the remaining guys]] / Ray: ALRIGHT! Which one 'a you am I makin' into cowboy sauce next! / Narrator: ...and so on through the night did Son of Rodney turn Cody Travis's tick-pimps, boilbacks, and yard-sleepers into cowboy sauce. / The dawn of the third day saw a decimated field, with only a handful of weary, wary contestants left. / [[Ray is by a barrel, shivering and teeth chattering]] / <> / <> / {{Alt. Text: p'too}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03082006
Achewood - March 8, 2007	Raymond: Oh, what the hell. / [[Raymond clicks reply]] / Raymond types: Dear Leon Sumbitches, / Raymond types: Sure, I'll help you with your Africa-America money transfer. I've actually been known to have a little money of my own, so I am familiar with the way cash seems and behaves. / Raymond types: Just to keep things moving, I transfered $5,000 to an account I opened in your name at the Bank of Mombasa. Use it to cover any fees which may arise. / Raymond types: I hope we can meet soon and chat about all this. Can you fly to America, ideally California? We have these things called burritos out here, they are an ideal foodstuff and I want to open a chain of burrito restaurants in your country. Of course. / Raymond types: Ideally I would just send you the money to open the burrito chain and then play a silent partner role, but if you want the security of my handshake, I suggest we meet. / Raymond: I suggest this. / Raymond types: Write soon, I am not a sleepy man so I will be awake. In Christ, Ray Smuckles, America. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03082007
Achewood - March 8, 2007	Raymond: Oh, what the hell. / [[Raymond clicks reply]] / Raymond types: Dear Leon Sumbitches, / Raymond types: Sure, I'll help you with your Africa-America money transfer. I've actually been known to have a little money of my own, so I am familiar with the way cash seems and behaves. / Raymond types: Just to keep things moving, I transfered $5,000 to an account I opened in your name at the Bank of Mombasa. Use it to cover any fees which may arise. / Raymond types: I hope we can meet soon and chat about all this. Can you fly to America, ideally California? We have these things called burritos out here, they are an ideal foodstuff and I want to open a chain of burrito restaurants in your country. Of course. / Raymond types: Ideally I would just send you the money to open the burrito chain and then play a silent partner role, but if you want the security of my handshake, I suggest we meet. / Raymond: I suggest this. / Raymond types: Write soon, I am not a sleepy man so I will be awake. In Christ, Ray Smuckles, America. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03082007
Achewood - March 8, 2007	Raymond: Oh, what the hell. / [[Raymond clicks reply]] / Raymond types: Dear Leon Sumbitches, / Raymond types: Sure, I'll help you with your Africa-America money transfer. I've actually been known to have a little money of my own, so I am familiar with the way cash seems and behaves. / Raymond types: Just to keep things moving, I transfered $5,000 to an account I opened in your name at the Bank of Mombasa. Use it to cover any fees which may arise. / Raymond types: I hope we can meet soon and chat about all this. Can you fly to America, ideally California? We have these things called burritos out here, they are an ideal foodstuff and I want to open a chain of burrito restaurants in your country. Of course. / Raymond types: Ideally I would just send you the money to open the burrito chain and then play a silent partner role, but if you want the security of my handshake, I suggest we meet. / Raymond: I suggest this. / Raymond types: Write soon, I am not a sleepy man so I will be awake. In Christ, Ray Smuckles, America. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03082007
Achewood - March 8, 2007	Raymond: Oh, what the hell. / [[Raymond clicks reply]] / Raymond types: Dear Leon Sumbitches, / Raymond types: Sure, I'll help you with your Africa-America money transfer. I've actually been known to have a little money of my own, so I am familiar with the way cash seems and behaves. / Raymond types: Just to keep things moving, I transfered $5,000 to an account I opened in your name at the Bank of Mombasa. Use it to cover any fees which may arise. / Raymond types: I hope we can meet soon and chat about all this. Can you fly to America, ideally California? We have these things called burritos out here, they are an ideal foodstuff and I want to open a chain of burrito restaurants in your country. Of course. / Raymond types: Ideally I would just send you the money to open the burrito chain and then play a silent partner role, but if you want the security of my handshake, I suggest we meet. / Raymond: I suggest this. / Raymond types: Write soon, I am not a sleepy man so I will be awake. In Christ, Ray Smuckles, America. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03082007

Achewood - March 9, 2004	Shoe: You've been sponsoring a political candidate? I'm impressed, Ray. / Ray: Yeah, I kick a couple bricks his way now and then. Don't talk during my swing. / Shoe: I want to see a more serious commitment to this campaign. Up his cash flow. Get him elected. / Ray: Uh, his campaign ain't too solidified yet. What ticket do we want him runnin' on? / Shoe: You know my politics. Start grooming him. / Ray: Alright Philippe, here's your list of photo ops for tomorrow. / Philippe: What's a Stem Cell? / Ray: Just put your arm around it and call it Timmy. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03092004
Achewood - March 9, 2005	[[The banjo drags Pat down the sidewalk]] / Pat: Where... where are you taking me?! Stop! STOP! / Pat: Oh my god this isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't-- / <> / Pat (thinking): Okay, Pat, you're panicking! What would Mr. Gary say to do... / Pat (thinking): That's it! I'll pretend I'm somewhere peaceful! / Pat: I'm... I'm at a paper store! Look at all the paper! / Pat: The paper is nice, and good. No one has ruined it yet. / Pat: Oh crap! There's some paper-selling moron in the employee break room! I don't want to talk to him. / Pat (thinking): Wait, I am in control. / Pat: Oh, well would you look at that! It isn't a worker after all! / Pat: It's... Moby! And he wants to share his package of wasabi peas with me! / Pat: Yes, Moby, I would like to hear about a car that runs on free Tomatohol. / Pat: The science is ahead of the funding? Well, isn't that always the way. / {{Power up your modified diesel Rabbit with fun and great 12-octane Tomatohol!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03092005
Achewood - March 9, 2007	[[Interior, Ray's house - Ray gets an email.]] / <> / [[Ray goes to his computer to read the email, which is a new reply from "Leon Sumbitches".]] / Email text: Dear Ray Smuckles, Thank you for your reply. / [[Ray sits down at his computer and continues to read the email.]] / Email text: It is most kind of you to wish to open a burrito restaurant in my country. We shall speak about this in time. / Email text: It is quite convenient of you to fly me to California. I reserve, I must travel business class or higher; the doctors tell me that I suffer from "plump leg." It must be stretched. / [[Ray scrolls down, continuing to read.]] / <http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03092007
Achewood - March 10, 2003	[[Heaven, Blister is on the phone with Roast Beef]] / Blister: HEY BEEF IT'S BLISTER / Roast Beef: Blister god damn it is good to hear from you Man I am so drunk right now / Blister: YOU GOTTA COME OVER BEEF I'M IN D-3 / Roast Beef: Oh man that's right across the hall! / Blister: I'VE GOT LIKE SIX OR SOMETHING LADIES OVER / Roast Beef: What the heck man I'm pretty lit up May as well try my hand / [[later, in Blister's room]] / Blister: HEY BEEF THIS IS MOLLY / Roast Beef: Aw shucks baby what's up I'm Roast Beef don't you know / Molly: Hi Roast Beef, Blister tells me you code too? / Roast Beef: Like I was playin a piano / Molly: Ha ha! Are you into Java? / Roast Beef: I shoot my gun and Java be dancin' / Java be all IS THIS FAST ENOUGH ROAST BEEF IS THIS FAST ENOUGH and I'm all NO / {{Alt Text: cold sit on it ho}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03102003
Achewood - March 10, 2004	[[Téodor stands on a golf course, leaning on a putter, speaking into a cell phone]] / Téodor: Ray! What are you teaching Philippe?! / [[Ray, preparing to putt at what seems to be a different golf course, also speaks into a cellphone]] / Ray: Huh? Who? What? I'm in the tub, dude. I got mad suds popping all around me. / Ray: Hard to hear you. / Téodor: He just quoted me a bunch of statistics about "the evils of the liberal agenda!" / Ray: Are you saying he can't express his own OPINION? / Ray: Whatever happened to the Tenth Amendment, Téodor! I'm shocked at you! / Téodor: The FIRST amendment is the one about freedom of speech. / Téodor: The TENTH allows states powers in addition to but not in conflict with those enumerated in the Constitution. / [[Still in Téodor's scene, Ray now speaking in voiceover]] / Ray: Well listen to you, Mr. Learning Head! Maybe YOU oughta run for office! / Téodor: I AM! You paid me three hundred bucks to be Philippe's Vice President! / Ray: I did? / Téodor: We went to the ATM together, you dope! / [[Ray now being shown as before]] / Ray: Oh yeah! Say, you're kind of liberal, right? Kind of listenin' to The Cure, and stuff? / Ray: That's going to be a problem. / {{alttext: Obviously the animal world has co-opted the United States Constitution and Bill of Rights as its own}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03102004

Achewood - March 10, 2005	{{The banjo drags a smiling Pat down the sidewalk}} / {{Pat smiles}} / {{Pat is surprised by Todd climbing onto him}} / {{Todd drinking on Pat's stomach]] / [[Drunk Todd on Pat's stomach]] / [[Todd is surprised]] / [[Todd vomiting on Pat]] / <> / [[Todd passing out on Pat]] / <> / [[Todd passed out on the sidewalk]] / [[Pat surprised]] / <> / [[A dog licking the vomit off Pat]] / <> / [[A dog licking Pat on the mouth]] / <> / [[A dog with its tongue hanging out]] / <> / {{An asleep hound dog on the sidewalk dragged his tongue on Pat's bonch, Todd's emesis-style 99c Chicken Sandwich, and Pat's mouth/forehead.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03102005
Done at Rudy Cava	[[Ray is by a barrel]] / <> / [[The flame in the barrel goes out]] / <> / Ray: Oh DAMN it! It's like six degrees out here! C'mon, stay lit! / [[The top of the barrel comes off. Ray is surprised]] / <> / [[Roast Beef pops out of the barrel]] / Roast Beef: UGH nice work Ray / Ray: Beef! What in the hell?! / [[Roast Beef and Ray grab hands]] / <> / Ray: Those English nerds told me you were out, dude! What's goin' on? / [[Roast Beef and Ray punch each other's knuckles]] / <> / Roast Beef: You had to go on a tear dogg You can't just kick three asses and win the Great Outdoor Fight / No one would respect you / Ray: You...you knew I would fugue if I heard you were down? Dang, Beef! But what about Fauntleroy Brown? / Roast Beef: You didn't fugue you were berserk / That's like comparin' a lunatic to a pissed man with goals / Narrator: SOON / Roast Beef: Alright so seventeen men besides us still roam the grounds / Ray: How come nobody's comin' over here? / Roast Beef: Dudes left at this point are savin' you as their final fight / They see takin' you down last as much style points / Ray: Uh, that kind of brings us to a tricky subject, Beef. Only one man can win this thing, right? / Roast Beef: Take me down last / It's perfect for the Stubbs legend / The dude so raw he beat down his oldest friend / Ray: Damn, Beef. I hate to even think of it. / Roast Beef: Yeah well I knew what I was gettin' into when I came down here / [[Roast Beef waves his arms out to the arena]] / Roast Beef: Always wanted to see the fight from the inside though! / Small price to pay / Narrator: LATER THAT MORNING / Roast Beef: Alright looks like the last dude standing is Rudy Cava / Yeah yeah he's headin' this way get ready / [[Rudy Cava is walking towards Ray and Beef]] / Ray: Finally. Anything special I should know about this guy? / Roast Beef: Dude has seven older sisters who used to put him down and dress him like a girl / He let that beauty slip in an interview early on but has since denied it / Ray: Alright, I got just the thing. Check this, Beef. / [[Ray confronts Rudy]] / Ray: Oh Rudy! Your hair's a mess, your shirt is dirty, and daddy gets home in ten minutes! If we make you look like his girlfriend, though, maybe he'll be really nice to you! Maybe he'll take you to HIS room! / [[Ray does a spin kick, and kicks Rudy in the head]] / / {{Alt. Text: We'll catch up with the English nerds later}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03102006
Achewood - March 10, 2008	Teodor: Where have you guys been? / Ray: I just took my homeboy to Disneyland for three days, man! Classic knuckleheads' vacation! / Teodor: Wow, did you have a good time? / Roast Beef: We did not have a good time at Disneyland / Teodor: Why not? / Ray: Don't listen to him. Disney rocked us. / Roast Beef: Disneyland was wall to wall five-hundred pound mongoloids with leg tattoos and kids named Desteny / Ray: So ungrateful! I bought the dude like seven hats, PLUS a Disney Fantasy Signature, and this is the thanks I get! / [[Certificate]] / Year of True Magic / Official Disney Fantasy Signature / Doast Deef / Roast Beef: Every time we tried to go on a ride the entire cast of Frosting! Th e Musical would trundle in ahead of us and get treats on everything / Ray: It wasn't all bad! Remember that one guy who came out to tell us that the Pirates of the Caribbean was broken? He looked kind of like a fat Puerto Rican George Clooney! / Ray: [[in italics]] And that's a neat concept! / Roast Beef: Well there you go a husky Latino with bad news and bedroom eyes was the best part of our vacation and we weren't even a hungover Avon lady in Vegas / Ray: The dude had skills. He got me so jazzed, I bought three more hats and a big rubber California. / {{alt text: The larger rubber California would not fit in Ray's carry-on.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03102008
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03102010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03102010	[untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - March 11, 2002	[[Lie Bot is speaking from inside of a cardboard television set]] / Lie Bot: Alright everybody! It's time to see my ass! / [[Lyle and Teodor are sitting on the couch]] / Lyle: NO WAY MAN / Teodor: BOO TO THAT / [[Cut back to Lie Bot in the cardboard TV. Lyle and Teodor speak from off-frame.]] / Lie Bot: How do you know that a robot's ass is bad? / Lyle and/or Teodor: IT MUST BE / Lyle and/or Teodor: WHY FIND OUT / [[Lie Bot inside of the cardboard TV, showing us his ass, which is oddly human-like for a robot]] / Lie Bot: It just looks like this / {{Alt-text: Lie Bot: would he even lie about his own ass}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03112002

Achewood - March 11, 2003	[[Phone conversation]] / Molly: Good morning Roast Beef! This is Molly...from the party? / Roast Beef: Oh hey Molly I wrote you some code last night after I took / Molly: Really?! You did? / [[thinking]] Roast Beef: Oh my god why did I just say that / [[thinking]] Roast Beef: I shouldn't have brought that up man what am I doing / Roast Beef: Oh uh it's nothin' special It probably doesn't even compile I should probably just delete it / Molly: Noo! What's it do? / [[thinking]] Roast Beef: Go on and tell her Show some stones for once in your life / Roast Beef: Oh well uh remember how we were talkin' about how much spare change you can probably find in your house at any one given moment / Molly: Yeah! You said you could go out ot dinner once a month with it! / Roast Beef: Well this applet calculates how much change I'd have around based on annual income and a few spending pattern varables / Roast Beef: And then based on that figure it schedules a reservation for us at an appropriate restaurant / [[Roast Beef stares]] / Roast Beef: I guess what I'm saying is... / Roast Beef: Can you be my girlfriend Molly / {{title text: do you want to see the kingdom without a king}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03112003
Achewood - March 11, 2003	[[Phone conversation]] / Molly: Good morning Roast Beef! This is Molly...from the party? / Roast Beef: Oh hey Molly I wrote you some code last night after I took / Molly: Really?! You did? / [[thinking]] Roast Beef: Oh my god why did I just say that / [[thinking]] Roast Beef: I shouldn't have brought that up man what am I doing / Roast Beef: Oh uh it's nothin' special It probably doesn't even compile I should probably just delete it / Molly: Noo! What's it do? / [[thinking]] Roast Beef: Go on and tell her Show some stones for once in your life / Roast Beef: Oh well uh remember how we were talkin' about how much spare change you can probably find in your house at any one given moment / Molly: Yeah! You said you could go out to dinner once a month with it! / Roast Beef: Well this applet calculates how much change I'd have around based on annual income and a few spending pattern variables / Roast Beef: And then based on that figure it schedules a reservation for us at an appropriate restaurant / [[Roast Beef stares]] / Roast Beef: I guess what I'm saying is... / Roast Beef: Can you be my girlfriend Molly / {{title text: do you want to see the kingdom without a king}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03112003
Achewood - March 11, 2004	[[Teodor and Ray are golfing, shown as shadows]] / Teodor: Look, if you think you can buy out my politics then you're dead wrong. Whats gotten into you lately, Ray?! / Ray: T-Teodor, How'd you get past the gate?! / [[No longer in shadow, close up]] / Teodor: And what's with the one loafer? Are you supposed to be the Micheal Jackson of the G.O.P.? / Lazarus: I AM LAZARUS, TASSELED LOAFER TO THE WORLD'S GREATEST BUSINESS MIND'S! / Teodor: Nice talking shoe, dork. Does Sharper Image still comp your limo rides to the mall? / [[Later]] / Teodor: Damn! Shanked it. / Teodor: Is that Ray's novelty loafer? What in the heck is it doing here? / Leopold: MmmMmmMmmmmm / Teodor: Typical of him to throw high-end garbage around. / Leopold: YOU SPEAK OF MY FALLEN BROTHER, LAZARUS. / Teodor: Whoah! What?! / Leopold: I AM LEOPOLD, BROTHER OF LAZARUS, SON OF LUCIEN. I BEG OF YOU, STRANGER, SIT AND BE TOLD OUR STORY. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03112004
Achewood - March 11, 2005	[[Ray on the phone with Pat]] / Ray: Hey PAT! Teodor says you broke my new banjo! What the hell, man? Totally uncool! / Pat: RAY! Your banjo is trying to kill me! It's dragging me down the street! / Ray: What, someone slip some acid into your cod liver oil? / Pat: I'm at...I'm at Tate and Marshall! Come get this damned thing off me! / Ray: [[to himself]] Crap, man! I ain't want to go out and be Pat's acid guide! I got Mad Max all cued up on the DVD. And plus I have been wanting to drink beer. / Ray: [[to himself]] But then again, at the same time, I would feel partially responsible if I let him crawl into heavy traffic or something. / Ray: [[to himself]] However, last time I saw him we got into a really nasty argument about circumcision. He even went so far as to insult my actual, personal hose. / Ray: [[to himself]] He said that it had been rendered so insensitive by the procedure that I constantly sought sex in some vain hope of reawakening genital feeling. I am not sure that I want to help out a dude who insulted the very lifeline of my heritage. / Ray: Well, I'll help you on one condition, Turtleneck Tom. / Pat: What?! / Ray: You need to admit that my dick looks better than yours. / [[silent panel]] / Ray: Come on, man. Say good stuff about my dick. / {{title text: Wave your hands in the air and say good stuff about Ray's dick like you just don't care}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03112005
Achewood - March 11, 2008	Mr. Bear: Where is Ray? I don't believe I've seen the fine fellow in a week or more. / Roast Beef: Oh uh he went to live in an earthen-floor cottage in rural England for a while / Roast Beef: It's kind of like a penance 'cause he made me go to Disneyland and I just had a nasty old time of it like I told him I would / Mr. Bear: Ah, a bit of remorse and reflection. Whereabouts? / Roast Beef: All I know is that he's livin' in a humble little where soil comes halfway up the walls outside and he has plenty of time to think / Mr. Bear: I see. How's that going for him? / Roast Beef: You can check it out he mailed me some letters / [[A cottage sits alone and sunkey into a dark moor, surrounded by kilometers of unmown grass, a light shines from an open window]] / [[A hurricane lamp illuminates the bare interior where Ray, seated at a table, concentrates on his writing]] / [[Ray's writing is crude, as if made with an inkwell and dirty nib]] / Note from Ray: You Beef - Just thought of even more things I forgot to do before leaving - thx! / Note from Ray: 1. Return Netflix / Note from Ray: 2. Take out kitchen trash / Note from Ray: 3. Turn off auto-timer on coffee machine (towels + bleach in hall closet) / Note from Ray: 4. Pay power + utils on You + Molly's unit (had mail held, has to wait sorry) / Note from Ray: You're my D.O.G.G. (Ray) http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03112008
Achewood - March 12, 2002	[[Todd, Blister, Cornelius, Lyle, Phillippe, Pat, Roast Beef, Ray and Vlad stand outside a house, sign on the door says "PLEASE WAIT"]] RAY: Hey man, what time is he gonna let us in? / PAT: I don't know man, he said 8:00 and it's, like, 8:15 probably. / TODD: Some party, Téodor! / [[Lyle, Cornelius, Todd and Blister outside a house]] LYLE: I call any bottle that has a handle. / CORNELIUS: (titter, titter) / LYLE: You think I'm joking? I'm not! I want a huge amount to drink. / [[Phillippe, Roast Beef and Ray stand outside]] RAY: I am wearing some delicious cologne. Let's get inside, already! / PHILIPPE: I learned five jokes! / TODD: i even washed my butt / BLISTER: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING / [[Teodor opens the door]] LYLE: Téodor! Open up! I can't feel my sack! / TÉODOR: Ahem! Gentlemen! If I may! http://achewood.com/?date=03122002
Achewood - March 12, 2002	[[Todd, Blister, Cornelius, Lyle, Phillippe, Pat, Roast Beef, Ray and Vlad stand outside a house, sign on the door says "PLEASE WAIT"]] RAY: Hey man, what time is he gonna let us in? / PAT: I don't know man, he said 8:00 and it's, like, 8:15 probably. / TODD: Some party, Téodor! / [[Lyle, Cornelius, Todd and Blister outside a house]] LYLE: I call any bottle that has a handle. / CORNELIUS: (titter, titter) / LYLE: You think I'm joking? I'm not! I want a huge amount to drink. / [[Phillippe, Roast Beef and Ray stand outside]] RAY: I am wearing some delicious cologne. Let's get inside, already! / PHILIPPE: I learned five jokes! / TODD: i even washed my butt / BLISTER: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING / [[Teodor opens the door]] LYLE: Téodor! Open up! I can't feel my sack! / TÉODOR: Ahem! Gentlemen! If I may! http://achewood.com/?date=03122002
Achewood - March 12, 2002	[[Todd, Blister, Cornelius, Lyle, Phillippe, Pat, Roast Beef, Ray and Vlad stand outside a house, sign on the door says "PLEASE WAIT"]] RAY: Hey man, what time is he gonna let us in? / PAT: I don't know man, he said 8:00 and it's, like, 8:15 probably. / TODD: Some party, Téodor! / [[Lyle, Cornelius, Todd and Blister outside a house]] LYLE: I call any bottle that has a handle. / CORNELIUS: (titter, titter) / LYLE: You think I'm joking? I'm not! I want a huge amount to drink. / [[Phillippe, Roast Beef and Ray stand outside]] RAY: I am wearing some delicious cologne. Let's get inside, already! / PHILIPPE: I learned five jokes! / TODD: i even washed my butt / BLISTER: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING / [[Teodor opens the door]] LYLE: Téodor! Open up! I can't feel my sack! / TÉODOR: Ahem! Gentlemen! If I may! http://achewood.com/?date=03122002
Achewood - March 12, 2002	[[Todd, Blister, Cornelius, Lyle, Phillippe, Pat, Roast Beef, Ray and Vlad stand outside a house, sign on the door says "PLEASE WAIT"]] RAY: Hey man, what time is he gonna let us in? / PAT: I don't know man, he said 8:00 and it's, like, 8:15 probably. / TODD: Some party, Téodor! / [[Lyle, Cornelius, Todd and Blister outside a house]] LYLE: I call any bottle that has a handle. / CORNELIUS: (titter, titter) / LYLE: You think I'm joking? I'm not! I want a huge amount to drink. / [[Phillippe, Roast Beef and Ray stand outside]] RAY: I am wearing some delicious cologne. Let's get inside, already! / PHILIPPE: I learned five jokes! / TODD: i even washed my butt / BLISTER: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING / [[Teodor opens the door]] LYLE: Téodor! Open up! I can't feel my sack! / TÉODOR: Ahem! Gentlemen! If I may! http://achewood.com/?date=03122002
Achewood - March 12, 2002	[[Ray, Roast Beef, Pat, Phillipe, Lyle, Cornelius, Blister, Todd are waiting outside in the front yard at night. Roast Beef is smoking. A sign on the door reads 'PLEASE WAIT'.]] / Ray: Hey man, what time is he gonna let us in? / Pat: I don't know, man. He said 8:00 and it's, like, 8:15 probably. / Todd: Some party, Teodor! / Lyle: I call any bottle that has a handle. You think I'm joking? I'm not! I want a huge amount to drink. / [[Cornelius Bear: Titter, Titter]] / Ray: I am wearing some delicious cologne. Let's get inside, already! / Phillipe: I learned five jokes! / Todd: I even washed my butt! / Blister: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING / Lyle: Teodor! Open up! I can't feel my sack! / [[Teodor appears in the doorway]] / Teodor: Ahem! Gentlemen! If I may! / [[continued tomorrow]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122002
Achewood - March 12, 2002	[[Ray, Roast Beef, Pat, Phillipe, Lyle, Cornelius, Blister, Todd are waiting outside in the front yard at night. Roast Beef is smoking. A sign on the door reads 'PLEASE WAIT'.]] / Ray: Hey man, what time is he gonna let us in? / Pat: I don't know, man. He said 8:00 and it's, like, 8:15 probably. / Todd: Some party, Teodor! / Lyle: I call any bottle that has a handle. You think I'm joking? I'm not! I want a huge amount to drink. / [[Cornelius Bear: Titter, Titter]] / Ray: I am wearing some delicious cologne. Let's get inside, already! / Phillipe: I learned five jokes! / Todd: I even washed my butt! / Blister: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING / Lyle: Teodor! Open up! I can't feel my sack! / [[Teodor appears in the doorway]] / Teodor: Ahem! Gentlemen! If I may! / [[continued tomorrow]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122002
Achewood - March 12, 2002	[[Ray, Roast Beef, Pat, Phillipe, Lyle, Cornelius, Blister, Todd are waiting outside in the front yard at night. Roast Beef is smoking. A sign on the door reads 'PLEASE WAIT'.]] / Ray: Hey man, what time is he gonna let us in? / Pat: I don't know, man. He said 8:00 and it's, like, 8:15 probably. / Todd: Some party, Teodor! / Lyle: I call any bottle that has a handle. You think I'm joking? I'm not! I want a huge amount to drink. / [[Cornelius Bear: Titter, Titter]] / Ray: I am wearing some delicious cologne. Let's get inside, already! / Phillipe: I learned five jokes! / Todd: I even washed my butt! / Blister: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING / Lyle: Teodor! Open up! I can't feel my sack! / [[Teodor appears in the doorway]] / Teodor: Ahem! Gentlemen! If I may! / [[continued tomorrow]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122002
Achewood - March 12, 2002	[[Ray, Roast Beef, Pat, Phillipe, Lyle, Cornelius, Blister, Todd are waiting outside in the front yard at night. Roast Beef is smoking. A sign on the door reads 'PLEASE WAIT'.]] / Ray: Hey man, what time is he gonna let us in? / Pat: I don't know, man. He said 8:00 and it's, like, 8:15 probably. / Todd: Some party, Teodor! / Lyle: I call any bottle that has a handle. You think I'm joking? I'm not! I want a huge amount to drink. / [[Cornelius Bear: Titter, Titter]] / Ray: I am wearing some delicious cologne. Let's get inside, already! / Phillipe: I learned five jokes! / Todd: I even washed my butt! / Blister: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING / Lyle: Teodor! Open up! I can't feel my sack! / [[Teodor appears in the doorway]] / Teodor: Ahem! Gentlemen! If I may! / [[continued tomorrow]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122002
Achewood - March 12, 2002	[[Ray, Roast Beef, Pat, Phillipe, Lyle, Cornelius, Blister, Todd are waiting outside in the front yard at night. Roast Beef is smoking. A sign on the door reads 'PLEASE WAIT'.]] / Ray: Hey man, what time is he gonna let us in? / Pat: I don't know, man. He said 8:00 and it's, like, 8:15 probably. / Todd: Some party, Teodor! / Lyle: I call any bottle that has a handle. You think I'm joking? I'm not! I want a huge amount to drink. / [[Cornelius Bear: Titter, Titter]] / Ray: I am wearing some delicious cologne. Let's get inside, already! / Phillipe: I learned five jokes! / Todd: I even washed my butt! / Blister: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING / Lyle: Teodor! Open up! I can't feel my sack! / [[Teodor appears in the doorway]] / Teodor: Ahem! Gentlemen! If I may! / [[continued tomorrow]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122002
Achewood - March 12, 2002	[[Ray, Roast Beef, Pat, Phillipe, Lyle, Cornelius, Blister, Todd are waiting outside in the front yard at night. Roast Beef is smoking. A sign on the door reads 'PLEASE WAIT'.]] / Ray: Hey man, what time is he gonna let us in? / Pat: I don't know, man. He said 8:00 and it's, like, 8:15 probably. / Todd: Some party, Teodor! / Lyle: I call any bottle that has a handle. You think I'm joking? I'm not! I want a huge amount to drink. / [[Cornelius Bear: Titter, Titter]] / Ray: I am wearing some delicious cologne. Let's get inside, already! / Phillipe: I learned five jokes! / Todd: I even washed my butt! / Blister: WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING / Lyle: Teodor! Open up! I can't feel my sack! / [[Teodor appears in the doorway]] / Teodor: Ahem! Gentlemen! If I may! / [[continued tomorrow]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122002

Achewood - March 12, 2003	[[Molly and Roast Beef are at Beef's room in Heaven. Molly has a bottle of wine.]] / Molly: Hi Roast Beef! thanks for asking me over! I brought us a bottle of wine. / Roast Beef: Hello Molly thanks you for coming over it is very good to see you / Roast Beef: I am not much of a cook but I hope you can uh still enjoy my I mean our diner at least somewhat / Roast Beef's internal monologue: calm down calm down / [[Roast Beef takes the wine, starts walking away]] / Roast Beef: Oh and I had better get this breathing I'll just be a moment / Roast Beef: I hope you like chicken which has been baked in a dish ! / Roast Beef's internal monologue: Oh my god I am talking like a complete fool Just calm down / Roast Beef's internal monologue: Man you forgot to put some music on to cover up the little clinks of silverware hitting the plate and stuff ! / Roast Beef: Oh uh why don't I put on some music / Roast Beef: Do you like music / Roast Beef: I like music / [[Molly looks perturbed.]] / Molly: Yes, I like music, Roast Beef. / [[Panel reads: SOON. Beef looks through the two tapes in his room. Tape 1: The Charlie Rose Show 6/3/89, Guest: Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY); Tape 2: Roy Rhodes™ Duck Slayer™ Duck Call Practice Tape 3 of 3.]] / Roast Beef's internal monologue: Man what in the hell / Roast Beef's internal monologue: These are all the tapes they gave me? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122003
Achewood - March 12, 2004	[[Leopold the loafer lies on a golf course next to some shrubs]] / Leopold: LAZARUS SHOWED GREAT PROMISE AS AN ARTIST / Leopold: BUT OUR FATHER FORBADE THAT HE FOLLOW HIS TRUE CALLING / [[Wider shot reveals Teodor sitting on the ground next to Leopold. A golf ball lies nearby]] / Leopold: MY BROTHER'S RETALIATION WAS TO EMULATE OUR FATHER IN EVERY WAY... / Leopold: TO PARADE THE BITTER UGLINESS OF HIS OWN LIFE BEFORE HIM. / Teodor: Wow. / Leopold: OUR FATHER IS NOW ON HIS DEATHBED. / Leopold: I DESPERATELY SEEK TO REUNITE THEM BEFORE THE OPPORTUNITY IS LOST AND LAZARUS CAN NO LONGER FIND REDEMPTION IN THIS WORLD. / Teodor: Can...can I help? / [[Close-up of Leopold]] / Leopold: YOU MUST PLACE ME UPON THE UNSHOD FOOT OF THE MAN WHO WEARS LAZARUS. / Leopold: ONLY IN THIS MANNER WILL HE RECOGNIZE ME AS HIS BROTHER. / [[Teodor looks thoughtful]] / Teodor: Hm. Lazarus is going to make a stink if he sees you...we'll have to trick Ray somehow. / [[Close-up of Leopold]] / Leopold: WILL THIS BE DIFFICULT? / [[Ray in a hallway, holding a chewed-looking piece of paper. He lifts up one foot, on which is Lazarus the loafer]] / Narration: MEANWHILE. / Ray: Hey Lazarus, look! I just ate about half this piece of paper! / Ray: Completely on accident! / {{alt text: These are some deep fucking shoes!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122004
Hearing Back from Leon Sumbitches	[[Ray stands next to a table, arms akimbo, looking down at a box of Krusty-brand cornbread mix, which rests upon the table.]] / Ray: God damn. What can I do to class up this cornbread mix. / <> / Ray: Email! Large! I love that stuff! / [[Ray sits at his computer, reading the following email:]] / Kindest Ray, / I have not heard from you in nearly 2 days. The Bank of Mombasa did not receive record of your money transfer to my country (amount claimed: $5000). They now expect a service fee of $200. Please help, we are in danger of loosing all funds, they say. / Yours in His Holiest Name, Jesus Christ Our Saviour, / Leon Sumbitches (B.W., A.H.B.P) / Mombasa / [[Ray responds, smiling:]] / Dear Leon, / Bless you, for you have the patience of Christ as he waited for Robert. Before we look into these bank matters, I must ask that you immediately invest twenty-five dollars in a project that I hope will end Internet pornography forever. / You see, here in America, the problem is rampant, and people rarely leave their homes any longer. I fear greatly for the future of the automobile industry (of which I am an amateur historian). / Please PayPal me these funds ->ASAP<- so that I know you are with me in my own fight. We are fighting together, in His name, two fights instead of one, stronger for our bond under Him, weaker when alone. / Also tell me any thoughts you have had in re: our (Christian) burrito restaurant. / God's servant, / Ray Smuckles / America / {{Alt-text: St. Robert was the patron saint of haircuts that take too long.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122007
Achewood ? March 12, 2009	{{Strip Title: Darlene and Lyle}} / [[Close up on Darlene smiling, leaning against Lyle's Baja]] / Lyle (narrating): She made me feel amazing. I started sayin' stuff so good I didn't even know I could say it. It was like a goddamn genius was drivin' me with a joystick. / [[Lyle stands next to Darlene and reaches out to take the beer from her.]] / Lyle: Hey there, britches. Priest's playin' at the Sherwin-Williams expo tonight--you'd look awful good at that concert with me. / Darlene: You really think so, sugar? / [[Lyle swigs the beer]] / Lyle: Hell yes, babe. You ride with me, and I'll get you fucked UP first. / [[Darlene takes the beer back.]] / Darlene: You gonna feed me too, or's you all talk? / Lyle: Oh, I'm gonna feed you, baby. Name's Lyle. / [[Darlene sips the beer]] / Darlene: You can call me Darlene, then, handsome. How's about a Big Mac dinner? / [[Lyle sips the beer now]] / Lyle: I don't eat where I shit, underpants. How's about a Chili Foot-long at Jumbo Hole and some SoCo in a hobo bag? / [[Darlene sips the beer thoughtfully]] <> / Darlene: That'd be real nice. / [[Later, at Jumbo Hole]] / Lyle: Yeah, give us a Chili Foot-long, a Blister Dog with shake and mustard, a Cabin Melt Plus, and two sides of beef'n'onion chop with extra Saltines. / Nah, we're good on drinks. / [[Back to the present, Teodor at his computer, Lyle behind him, holding square bottle of Achewater or another fine liquor]] / Teodor: So how'd the concert go? / <> / [[Lyle has eyes squinched shut, swigging from bottle, Teodor typing away]] <> / Lyle: Hard to say. I kicked a dude's ass, a different dude kicked my ass, she clawed at some bitch, and I think we either puked or fucked behind the beer tent. / / Teodor: Such fine lines can get blurry. <> / Lyle: Hey--you go see Priest in Florida, you're lucky if you don't wake up next to some guy named Death Steve who's eatin' a head like it was an apple. / {{Alt-Text: Shall I compare thee to some Jumbo Hole? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122009
Achewood Darlene and Lyle March 12, 2009	{{Strip Title: Darlene and Lyle}} / [[Close up on Darlene smiling, leaning against Lyle's Baja]] / Lyle (narrating): She made me feel amazing. I started sayin' stuff so good I didn't even know I could say it. It was like a goddamn genius was drivin' me with a joystick. / [[Lyle stands next to Darlene and reaches out to take the beer from her.]] / Lyle: Hey there, britches. Priest's playin' at the Sherwin-Williams expo tonight--you'd look awful good at that concert with me. / Darlene: You really think so, sugar? / [[Lyle swigs the beer]] / Lyle: Hell yes, babe. You ride with me, and I'll get you fucked UP first. / [[Darlene takes the beer back.]] / Darlene: You gonna feed me too, or's you all talk? / Lyle: Oh, I'm gonna feed you, baby. Name's Lyle. / [[Darlene sips the beer]] / Darlene: You can call me Darlene, then, handsome. How's about a Big Mac dinner? / [[Lyle sips the beer now]] / Lyle: I don't eat where I shit, underpants. How's about a Chili Foot-long at Jumbo Hole and some SoCo in a hobo bag? / [[Darlene sips the beer thoughtfully]] <> / Darlene: That'd be real nice. / [[Later, at Jumbo Hole]] / Lyle: Yeah, give us a Chili Foot-long, a Blister Dog with shake and mustard, a Cabin Melt Plus, and two sides of beef'n'onion chop with extra Saltines. / Nah, we're good on drinks. / [[Back to the present, Teodor at his computer, Lyle behind him, holding square bottle of Achewater or another fine liquor]] / Teodor: So how'd the concert go? / <> / [[Lyle has eyes squinched shut, swigging from bottle, Teodor typing away]] <> / Lyle: Hard to say. I kicked a dude's ass, a different dude kicked my ass, she clawed at some bitch, and I think we either puked or fucked behind the beer tent. / / Teodor: Such fine lines can get blurry. <> / Lyle: Hey--you go see Priest in Florida, you're lucky if you don't wake up next to some guy named Death Steve who's eatin' a head like it was an apple. / {{Alt-Text: Shall I compare thee to some Jumbo Hole? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122009
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03122010	[untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]

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