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Achewood - March 13, 2002 TÉODOR: Please allow me to dispense with the formalities. If you would, gentlemen -- come inside and explore the premises! / (everyone troops inside) / (Téodor and Phillipe stare at each other for a moment) / (Phillipe shakes Téodor's hand) / PHILLIPE: Thank you for inviting me to your party. / TÉODOR: There is someone I would like you to meet, Phillipe.
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Achewood - March 13, 2002 TÉODOR: Please allow me to dispense with the formalities. If you would, gentlemen -- come inside and explore the premises! / [[everyone troops inside]] / [[Téodor and Phillipe stare at each other for a moment]] / [[Phillipe shakes Téodor's hand]] / PHILLIPE: Thank you for inviting me to your party. / TÉODOR: There is someone I would like you to meet, Phillipe. / {{alt text: A handshake.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03132002
Achewood - March 13, 2002 [[All characters on front porch, dressed for a party. Teodor stands in the doorway, with a tuxedo and a cigarette.]] / TÉODOR: Please allow me to dispense with the formalities. If you would, gentlemen -- come inside and explore the premises! / [[everyone troops inside]] / [[Téodor and Phillipe stare at each other for a moment]] / [[Phillipe holds out his hand, looking apprehensive.]] / [[Phillipe shakes Téodor's hand. Phillipe smiles.]] / PHILLIPE: Thank you for inviting me to your party. / TÉODOR: There is someone I would like you to meet, Phillipe. / {{alt text: A handshake.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03132002
Achewood - March 13, 2002 TÉODOR: Please allow me to dispense with the formalities. If you would, gentlemen -- come inside and explore the premises! / {{Lie Bot, Ray, Roast Beef, Philippe, Pat, and Mr. Bear enter Téodor's party}} / {{Téodor and Phillipe stare at each other for a moment}} / {{Phillipe extends his hand to Téodor}} / {{Phillipe shakes Téodor's hand}} / PHILLIPE: Thank you for inviting me to your party. / TÉODOR: There is someone I would like you to meet, Phillipe. / {{title text: A handshake.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03132002
Achewood - March 13, 2003 [[Roast Beef holds a pan containing a cooked chicken.]] / Roast Beef: Wait a minute this doesn't look right / [[Upon closer inspection, the chicken appears to have a tiny dong.]] / Roast Beef: Oh my god I bought a rooster instead of a chicken ! / Roast Beef: I knew there was something wrong / Roast Beef: What the hell am I gonna do / Roast Beef: I didn't even make any side dishes / [[Roast Beef stands in front of Molly, rubbing his hands together nervously.]] / Roast Beef: Uh Molly look I got a little problem in the kitchen / Molly: What's wrong? / Roast Beef: I... / Roast Beef: I bought a chicken with a ding-a-ling / Molly: Ha ha! Is that white or dark meat? / Roast Beef's internal monologue: Wow she seems down with this / [[They both look at the chicken.]] / Molly: Look! At least we know he's not horny! / Roast Beef: Hee hee ! / Roast Beef: That would be one messed-up chicken if this made him horny ! / {{alt text: that's how it is with an image, always all CAPTION}}
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Achewood - March 13, 2003 [[Roast Beef holds a pan containing a cooked chicken.]] / Roast Beef: Wait a minute this doesn't look right / [[Upon closer inspection, the chicken appears to have a tiny penis.]] / Roast Beef: Oh my god I bought a rooster instead of a chicken ! / Roast Beef: I knew there was something wrong / Roast Beef: What the hell am I gonna do / Roast Beef: I didn't even make any side dishes / [[Roast Beef stands in front of Molly, rubbing his hands together nervously.]] / Roast Beef: Uh Molly look I got a little problem in the kitchen / Molly: What's wrong? / Roast Beef: I... / Roast Beef: I bought a chicken with a ding-a-ling / Molly: Ha ha! Is that white or dark meat? / Roast Beef's internal monologue: Wow she seems down with this / [[They both look at the chicken.]] / Molly: Look! At least we know he's not horny! / Roast Beef: Hee hee ! / Roast Beef: That would be one messed-up chicken if this made him horny ! / {{alt text: that's how it is with an image, always all CAPTION}}
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Achewood - March 13, 2007 {{Title: Calling out Leon}} / [[Ray at his computer in the dark typing away]] / LEON! / It has been nearly half an evening! You have not sent me any money for MY needs yet! / If I do not see this money soon, you shall know my hand. I do not like to feel a fool. / [[Shot of Roast Beef on his couch in the dark, Ray continues typing]] / Ray typing: I have a friend who is quite skilled in Internet ways. You may have heard of him. His name is Roast Beef. In some circles he is known as The Quiet Digressor. / Beef thinking: Dang I wonder catches in your throat harder than a cashew or a nasty old peanut / Ray typing: From his computer, he can make the keys of any keyboard in the world punch in and out though there be no hands nearby. / Beef thinking: Holy christ the only anagram of "cashew peanut" is "wet, cheap anus!" / [[Shot of the couch, now unoccupied]] / Ray typing: Therefore it needs no saying that he will make small work of finding the computer you are avoiding in Mombasa... / Beef thinking: I got to call Ray / Beef thinking: He would want to know / [[Returning to shot of Ray at his computer typing, Ray is now looking to his right towards the phone]] / Ray typing: ...and he will MAKE it PayPal me that twenty-five dollars LIKE A PLAYER PIANO! AND MORE! / <> / <> / [[Plain shot of Ray on his cordless phone]] / Ray: Hey Beef! Can you find any computer on the Internet just from an email you got? / Beef: Well I can but I don't know about the rest of you picks-up-the-mouse-between-pushes types uh why do you ask / Ray: The hell Africa should have all the hottest e-mail scammers. That title should be ours, dude. Come over. / {{Alt text: Sure, it's not the only anagram. But it's the only one that's also a great epithet you can use in life.}}
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Achewood - March 13, 2008 Showbiz: [[in phone booth]] Beef! It's me, man! Your brother Mike! 'Sup! / Roast Beef: [[talking on cell phone]] Oh uh hey Showbiz listen I have some good news about Molly and me-- / Showbiz: [[on phone]] Look, man! Are you near a phone? I just need some quick cash, pay you back in like two days, max! You'll be at this same number, right? / Roast Beef: [[talking on cell phone]] We are getting married this summer and-- / Showbiz:[[on phone]] Wait--whoah! Hit the brakes, man! Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, brah! Ha ha ha! Am I right? / Roast Beef: [[talking on cell phone]] Molly does not produce milk Showbiz / Showbiz: [[in phone booth]] I see how it is! So I'm outta your life and it's all about her now, huh! You only got room for one of us, is that it? No more helpin' out your only brother? No more good times? We were gonna party, man! You're just gonna throw that all away? / Roast Beef: [talking on cell phone]] Showbiz I said that my girlfriend's body is not lactating I did not say that we could no longer "party" or sit around and borrow money from me / Showbiz: [[in phone booth]] Listen to how you're talkin', man! She's already go you by the short and curlies! You used to be off the hook, man! You used to be the mega party guy! The ichi-ban party muchacho! This chick is draggin' you down, man! / Roast beef: [[to self]] That son of a bitch is lying to my face so that nothing disturbs his handout structure will I've HAD IT dammit WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE FOR ME! / Roast Beef: [[talking on cell phone]] Look Showbiz if you want some cash you can be a busboy or pick up litter at the wedding that's my only offer / Showbiz: [[on phone]] Sweet, man! I am just gonna get WRECKED on bridesmaids! Make sure they're hot, dude! And plenty of Cuervo! Chicks will do ANYTHING on Cuervo! THEY'LL EVEN LEZ OUT! / {{Alt text: If Showbiz can get some chicks to lez out at the wedding, this will be a big year for him.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03132008
Achewood - March 14, 2002 RAY: Mmm! Damn, these are tasty! Hey Pat, try some of these! / PAT: I don't dig on Craisins, man. / RAY: These little things are called Craisins? Daaamn! / PAT: Whoah! Is that... / PAT: There's a broad at this party! / (Cornelius is being a gentleman to the broad)
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03142002
Achewood - March 14, 2002 [[Ray, Pat and Roast Beef stand around a table of munchies. Music is playing]] / RAY: Mmm! Damn, these are tasty! Hey Pat, try some of these! / PAT: I don't dig on Craisins, man. / RAY: These little things are called Craisins? Daaamn! / PAT: Whoah! Is that... / PAT: There's a broad at this party! / [[Cornelius is being a gentleman to the broad, who looks a lot like him.]]
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Achewood - March 14, 2003 Well, who's ready for some roasted-up ding dong! / Is that seriously all you made? / Basically yes / Ha ha! You have to have vegetables and starch and stuff! This isn't a complete meal! / Oh I was all nervous Molly / I never cooked for a lady before / See! That's why women are good for men. We help fill in the blanks. / If you're so good for men then figure out what to do with this poor little guy / Well, he looks like he could probably use an apology! / I'm sorry little dude / I'm sorry that I straight up roasted your ding dong / HAVE A NICE WEEKEND EVERYONE / GOD BLESS / achewood is a celebration of the English language
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Achewood - March 14, 2003 [[Roast Beef and Molly stand by the cooked rooster.]] / Roast Beef: Well who's ready for some roasted-up ding dong ! / Molly: Is this seriously all you made? / Roast Beef: Basically yes / Molly: Ha ha! You have to have vegetables and starch and stuff! This isn't a complete meal! / Roast Beef: Oh I was all nervous Molly / Roast Beef: I never cooked for a lady before / Molly: See! That's why women are good for men. We help fill in the blanks. / Roast Beef: If you're so good for men then figure out what to do with this poor little guy / Molly: Well, he looks like he could probably use an apology! / [[Close-up of Roast Beef and the rooster's ding-dong]] / Roast Beef: I'm sorry little dude / Roast Beef: I'm sorry that I straight up roasted your ding dong / [[Text on a white panel.]] / Text: HAVE A NICE WEEKEND EVERYONE / Text: GOD BLESS / {{alt text: achewood is a celebration of the English language}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03142003
Achewood - March 14, 2003 [[Roast Beef and Molly are at a table in heaven. On the table is a cooked rooster in a pan.]] / Roast Beef: Well who's ready for some roasted-up ding dong! / Molly: Is that seriously all you made? / Roast Beef: Basically yes / Molly: Ha ha! You have to have vegetables and starch and stuff! This isn't a complete meal! / Roast Beef: Oh I was all nervous Molly / I never cooked for a lady before / Molly: See! That's why women are good for men. We help fill in the blanks. / Roast Beef: If you're so good for men then figure out what to do with this poor little guy / Molly: Well, he looks like he could probably use an apology! / [[Roast Beef puts his face right next to the cooked rooster.]] / Roast Beef: I'm sorry little dude / I'm sorry that I straight up roasted your ding dong / HAVE A NICE WEEKEND EVERYONE / GOD BLESS / {{alt text: achewood is a celebration of the English language}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03142003
Achewood - March 14, 2005 3/14/2005 / Dear Readers: / Our baby girl was born today. Achewood comic strips will return in a week or so, and in the meantime please enjoy these daily photographs from around the (silent) Achewood production facilities. / Figure 1: the crushing silence of non-production.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03142005
Achewood - March 14, 2006 [[The Great Outdoor Fight acres, third day]] / [[Ray passes a brandy bottle to Roast Beef]] / Ray: Man, this ain't right, Beef. I been thinkin'. / Roast Beef: [[sips on brandy]] <> / Roast Beef: [[passes brandy back to Ray]] Two old knuckleheads swillin' Christian Brothers all last dudes standin' at the Great Outdoor Fight / Roast Beef: If this was any more right you would be Liv Tyler / Ray: Man, you ran my whole show. You just wound me up and set me down, B. / Ray: This ain't my victory. / Ray: If it wasn't for you, rats would probably be eatin' my head in a dumpster somewhere! / Roast Beef: [[taking brandy bottle]] Well if it wasn't for you I'd die never knowin' the Fight / Voice: [[unseen behind the grate]] The hell listen to you two / Roast Beef: [[surprised]] [[thinking]] Oh my god / Roast Beef: [[thinking]] Tall and lean Sharp and clean / Roast Beef: [[thinking]] With him there's no inbetween / Roast Beef: [[thinking]] It's-- / Ray: [[surprised]] D...Dad? / [[Rodney Leonard Stubbs, AKA Ramses Luther Smuckles, AKA Ray's father, is looking at Ray and Roast Beef outside the grate]] / {{You can't really call yourself a cartoonist until you've penned a few Searching For Father bits}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03142006
Achewood - March 14, 2006 [[The Great Outdoor Fight acres, third day]] / [[Ray passes a brandy bottle to Roast Beef]] / Ray: Man, this ain't right, Beef. I been thinkin'. / Roast Beef: [[sips on brandy]] <> / Roast Beef: [[passes brandy back to Ray]] Two old knuckleheads swillin' Christian Brothers all last dudes standin' at the Great Outdoor Fight / Roast Beef: If this was any more right you would be Liv Tyler / Ray: Man, you ran my whole show. You just wound me up and set me down, B. / Ray: This ain't my victory. / Ray: If it wasn't for you, rats would probably be eatin' my head in a dumpster somewhere! / Roast Beef: [[taking brandy bottle]] Well if it wasn't for you I'd die never knowin' the Fight / Voice: [[unseen behind the grate]] The hell listen to you two / Roast Beef: [[surprised]] [[thinking]] Oh my god / Roast Beef: [[thinking]] Tall and lean Sharp and clean / Roast Beef: [[thinking]] With him there's no inbetween / Roast Beef: [[thinking]] It's-- / Ray: [[surprised]] D...Dad? / [[Rodney Leonard Stubbs, AKA Ramses Luther Smuckles, AKA Ray's father, is looking at Ray and Roast Beef outside the grate]] / {{You can't really call yourself a cartoonist until you've penned a few Searching For Father bits}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03142006
Achewood - March 14, 2008 [[Roast Beef is on the phone. He is angry]] / Roast Beef: Showbiz this is my wedding we're talking about not some apartment party where you sit around drinking Mexican brain detergent ! / [[Showbiz is in a phone box with "Pacific Bell" on the side.]] / Showbiz: Oh, so I just got to sit around and listen to a ceremony and get bored? Thanks a lot, Beef! Real fun time! I'm gonna bring my friend Ricky. I don't really like him, but he's always greened up. / [[Beef's wedding day. Molly and Beef are standing before a priest. Beef's dialogue is the phone conversation to Showbiz.]] / <<=PFFT= KOFF KOFF KOFF Heh man i think i cashed it>> / Roast Beef: This wedding isn't about you you dickhead and if you fuck it up I will personally walk down from the altar and hit you with a folding chair in between "I" and "do" / [[Beef's wedding day. Beef turns around angrily to face where the coughing noses are coming from.]] / [[Molly and the priest are nonplussed. Molly looks sad.]] / <> / [[Beef is on the phone.]] / Roast Beef: AND THEN INSTEAD OF A FIRST DANCE I WILL BEAT YOU WITH A FOLDING CHAIR WHILE THE DJ PLAYS "FOOLS RUSH IN" ! / [[On the dance floor at Beef and Molly's wedding. Beef and Showbiz are standing in the spotlight. Beef is holding a folding chair above his head and looking at it. Showbiz has a bottle in one hand and has both arms raised to the crowd.]] / <> / [[Beef swings the folding chair above his head. Showbiz takes a swig from the bottle. Some of the liquid slops down the front of his singlet.]] / <> / [[Beef hits Showbiz in the middle with the chair. The bottle flies out of Showbiz's hand.]] / <> / [[Showbiz is on the floor. Beef hits him again with the chair.]] / <> / [[Showbiz is lying alone on the dance floor. There is a pool of blood around his head.]] / <> / {{On leaving, Roast beef tips the DJ five dollars.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03142008
Achewood - March 15, 2002 PHILLIPE: Who am I going to meet? Is it somebody famous? Is it Emeril? / TÉODOR: A friend of a friend. / PHILLIPE'S IMAGINATION -- EMERIL: Hey Phillipe! Téodor said I should meet you! Well here I am, baby! / PHILLIPE'S IMAGINATION -- EMERIL: Listen, I need someone to drive my limo! What do you say, little guy? / PHILLIPE'S IMAGINATION -- EMERIL: It can pop a wheelie!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03152002
Achewood - March 15, 2002 [[Phillipe and Teodor walk down a hallway. Music is playing.]] / PHILLIPE: Who am I going to meet? Is it somebody famous? Is it Emeril? / TÉODOR: A friend of a friend. / PHILLIPE'S IMAGINATION -- EMERIL: Hey Phillipe! Téodor said I should meet you! Well here I am, baby! / PHILLIPE'S IMAGINATION -- EMERIL: Listen, I need someone to drive my limo! What do you say, little guy? / PHILLIPE'S IMAGINATION -- EMERIL: It can pop a wheelie! / {{alt text: Maybe on Monday}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03152002
Achewood - March 15, 2002 PHILLIPE: Who am I going to meet? Is it somebody famous? Is it Emeril? / TÉODOR: A friend of a friend. / PHILLIPE'S IMAGINATION -- EMERIL: Hey Phillipe! Téodor said I should meet you! Well here I am, baby! / PHILLIPE'S IMAGINATION -- EMERIL: Listen, I need someone to drive my limo! What do you say, little guy? / PHILLIPE'S IMAGINATION -- EMERIL: It can pop a wheelie!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03152002
 
Achewood - March 15, 2004 [[Outside shot of Ray's house.]] / Teodor: Wow, you really CAN drink five shots of Cuervo! / Ray: Sure as hell, blochicho! What else you got? / Teodor: I'm pretty faded. I'm gonna call it. / [[Ray is gesturing at Teodor]] / Ray: Suit yourself, stacky! I'ma sugarfoot MY hella shinto movements straight on back to the Time Tunnel! / Teodor: I saw some cops outside just a few minutes ago. Can you stand on one foot. / [[Ray is standing on one foot. Teodor shoves the magic loafer on it.]] / Ray: Drunk test! Ray Smuckles, professor of Doctorology, pres - man, whatchu doin?! / [[Ray is dancing.]] / Ray's thoughts: Hey! I can't control my damn feet! / Leopold: LAZARUS! / Lazarus: LEOPOLD! / Ray's thoughts: Say, this is kinda fun! / Leopold: FATHER IS DYING. / Lazarus: GET OUT OF HERE. YOU DISGUST ME. / Ray's thoughts: Who is the cat / Leopold: LOOK AT ME! / Lazarus: BE GONE! / Ray's thoughts: That wears the world as a hat? / Leopold: PLEASE SEE HIM. / Lazarus: I WILL NOT. / Ray's thoughts: What's name of the guy who is greeted when he wakes / Lazarus: YOU, HOWEVER, MAY SEE YOURSELF OUT. / Ray's thoughts: By the St. Pauli Girl and a tray of pancakes! / Leopold: YOU'RE BREAKING MOTHER'S HEART.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03152004
Achewood - March 15, 2005 3/15/2005 / Dear Readers: / Our baby girl was born today. Achewood comic strips will return in a week or so, and in the meantime please enjoy these daily photographs from around the (silent) Achewood production facilities. / Figure 2: Still Life With Crushing Silence of Non-Production / {{The paints lay drying on the brush; The banjo plied not its evil trade}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03152005
Achewood - March 15, 2006 [[A guard tower]] / [[Cranes overlooking the walls]] / [[A tent city outside the walls]] / Leander: Seriously, Ted! How come you stuff your pants? / Feckless Ted Cobb: You've not had my life. Don't judge me. / [[Barry King is updating Gasps and Giggles, The Latino Health Crisis is watching TV]] / <> / The Latino Health Crisis: Who TeeVo Tomas di Tank Engine. I hate dees train. / <> / [[Teodor is waiting for Barry to update Gasps and Giggles, Cornelius is sleeping with a "RAY" pennant]] / Teodor: It's live! It's live! Barry just went live! Day Three! / GASPS AND GIGGLES / by Barry King XML RSS / The old pyloric's gone wonky since I had me skull cracked in by a quiet fellow in denim...was a bit too busy catching up with Fark and missed his approach...not to worry, though, Barryheads! I've still got the best and freshest in Fight non-fiction! / Our lord and master So-Rod still stands in the Acres, but as I hinted previously, the rest of us were done up by the bigger and better sort. / Teodor: Oh my god! Awesome! Awesome! Absolutely no way! / [[Gasps and Giggles]] / The Latino Health Crisis joined us most recently, having lasted halfway through the second night before what I think he's describing as an Italian ninja with drawings on his boobs dispatched him. His English is a bit dodgy, so that's not the final word. / Prior to that fell Leander, the punk rock lad who was so engrossed in a contest to have neck veins like Henry Rollins that he passed out and dislocated his shoulder on a tyre rim. Now he's just hanging about bugging Ted about his "sub-Saharan comb-over." / Which brings us to Ted, who does indeed stuff with the best of 'em, but that's neither here nor there. I don't know why I mention it. Anyways, Ted had been ordered to guard the southern perimeter of our camp, but was fished in by a charming bloke who noted the calluses on Ted's knuckles implied prior employment as a carpet fitter or floorer, and made pleasant trade talk before dishing up a full-service beating. / More on So-Rod as we see it! / Up your arse, Fleet Street! The citizen blog shall destroy you! -BK
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03152006
Achewood - March 15, 2007 {{Title: Meeting Dr. Leon Adoso Sumbitches}} / [[Ray is standing next to Roast Beef, who is sitting at Ray's computer.]] / Ray: Alright Beef, let's scam this guy back into the stone age. Start hackin', I'ma get some Stellas. / Roast Beef: Okay first uh what did you find out about him on Google and Wikipedia / [[Ray raises his arm in anger]] / Ray: I ain't look the damn guy up! He's usin' a FAKE NAME, dude! "Leon Sumbitches"? Come on. / Beef: Still though it's best practices / [[Ray's face is aghast, Roast Beef rests his head on his hands]] / Beef: Look man see here Leon Sumbitches aka Brian Wheat has a whole dang article about him and his family / Beef: Dang man this runs like ten scrolls deep this article is a /player/ / [[Screenshot of Wikipedia biographical article]] / Leon Sumbitches aka Brian Wheat / From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia / Dr. Leon Adoso Sumbitches (prounounced soom-'beh-cheh) (born January 21, 1935) is heir to the legendary Adoso family oil fortune. / Controversy over frozen assets / Owing to an accident of the government which left his sister Nmbota on life support and his own leg crippled, he ardently seeks to move all Adoso assets out of his home country. Current law says that his fortune is to be frozen until a suitable recipient abroad can be identified. / [[Screenshot of wikipedia article as background to Ray's shocked face and Roast Beef reading the computer screen]] / Trivia / *Is a devout, deeply sensitive Christian / *Changed his name to Brian Wheat on a Christian dare before the bankrupt Mombasan government was forced to close the largely unnecessary Ministry of Reidentification / *Has composed a song, Gravity Train, about the struggles he feels as an old man approaching his final days. / {{Alt text: He is also well known in the area for his award-winning cheesecake.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03152007
Achewood - March 16, 2004 [[Scene is Ray's bedroom. Ray is in bed, Téodor stands nearby.]] / Ray: What... what happened, man? / [[Cut to shot of Ray lying face-down on the floor.]] / Téodor: It was the shoes. They fought for hours. They had you dancing until your legs gave out. / [[Cut back to Ray's bedroom.]] / Téodor: Toward the end, you were screaming, crying, begging us to help you... / Ray: Man, I doubt I was CRYIN'! / Téodor: ...but the shoes would always dance away from us while you blubbered. / Ray: I don't even know HOW to blubber! / [[Téodor reaches down to pick up a laptop computer from the floor.]] / Téodor: Blubbering is when you're crying so hard that when you try to talk, it just comes out like "A BLOOOO BLA BLOO BLOO BLOOOOOOOO!" Here, Lyle got most of it with his video camera. / Video playing on laptop: A BLOO BLA BLOO BLOO BLOOOO! BLOO BLOOOO! A BLOO BLA BLOOO! / Ray: What the-- man, erase this! The last thing I need is this windin' up on that damned... / [[Cut to the Drudge Report home page. At right of screen is a picture of Ray sobbing while dancing, with a picture-in-picture close-up of his face. The column at left reads: / **EXCLUSIVE** / Bizarre "Blubbering Animal" Dance Video Surfaces / Crying Cat Cuts Carpet as Cameraman Cackles / ASPCA "Outraged"]] / {{Alt-text: I mean really, imagine if you saw a grainy b/w video of this}} / {{Clicking on this strip takes the reader to the Drudge Report home page.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03162004
 
Achewood - March 16, 2005 3/16/2005 / Dear Readers: / Our baby girl was born today. Achewood comic strips will return in a week or so, and in the meantime please enjoy these daily photographs from around the (silent) Achewood production facilities. / Figure 3: Because of their long ears, dogs can sense and be hurt by the crushing silence of non-production. / {{The dog's name is Heaven Dog.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03162005
Achewood - March 16, 2007 [[Roast Beef sits at Ray's computer, with Ray standing to his right. Both heads are turned to their right, glancing at the ringing phone.]] / <> / Ray Smuckles: No! NO! / [[Ray is on the phone.]] / Ray: Uhh, hello? Who's calling? / Leon Sumbitches: Hello, Mr. Smuckles. Do not bother to ask how I know it is you. / [[Leon is shown, a tattered elderly gentleman with a white haired mustache and glasses. In the background, a crucifix is on the wall.]] / Leon: There comes a time in life -- and you have yet to reach it -- when one can hear all of the accumulated lies in another man's voice. It is a complex tension, a chord that sounds to my ear like a forehead banging upon a piano. That is your voice, Ray Smuckles. / Ray: L...Leon? / Leon: Your sentences are songs sung in the key of lie. A bird will not land when you are speaking, for the branch will wilt under your wicked breath. / [[Ray's back is shown, Ray is holding the phone to his right ear.]] / Ray: Man, I got to disagree. Just-- / Leon: I wished to trust you with my fortune, but you have proven yourself of the crudest moral fiber. I think you would shoot a baby. / [[Ray's front is shown, Ray looking slightly to his left, left arm raised outward.]] / Ray: See, that's where you got me all wrong. Listen, Leon-- / Leon: Goodbye, Mr. Smuckles. / Leon: You are a toilet seat that smokes a cigar / forever that is what you are / a toilet seat that smokes a cigar / Leon: The end / <> / {{Underneath the comic, on the bottom right, "Fin." is displayed.}} / {{Alt text: In Mombasa, that is one of the most actual taunts.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03162007
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03162010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03162010 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - March 17, 2003 Well I guess we got to place an order for Chinese delivery if we want anything to eat / Mmm! Let's call Jade Garden! / Oh no way I heard they put mega ding dongs in their food! / Is that right? / Oh yeah one time my friend ordered the combination fried rice and there was like just one small piece of beef and in excess of seven ding dongs! / Well, maybe we could just order vegetarian dishes! / I heard that if you try that the chef gets mad and draws ding dongs all over the cartons and receipt and everything / Really? You heard that? / Oh yeah one time my friend tried that and in the fortune cookie was just this FURIOUS lookin' drawing of a ding dong / they got mega ding dongs in that restaurant's food
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03172003
Achewood - March 17, 2003 [[Roast Beef and Molly are still standing next to the roasted up ding-dong.]] / Roast Beef: Well I guess we got to place an order for Chinese delivery if we want anything to eat / Molly: Mmm! Let's call Jade Garden! / Roast Beef: Oh no way I heard they put mega ding dongs in their food! / Molly: Is that right? / Roast Beef: Oh yeah one time my friend ordered the combination fried rice and there was like just one small piece of beef and in excess of seven ding dongs! / Molly: Well, maybe we could just order vegetarian dishes! / Roast Beef: I heard that if you try that the chef gets mad and draws ding dongs all over the cartons and receipt and everything / Molly: Really? You heard that? / [[Beef gestures for dramatic effect.]] / Roast Beef: Oh yeah one time my friend tried that and in the fortune cookie was just this FURIOUS lookin' drawing of a ding dong / {{alt text: they got mega ding dongs in that restaurant's food}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03172003
Achewood - March 17, 2003 [[Roast Beef and Molly are at a table in heaven. On the table is a cooked rooster in a pan.]] / Roast Beef: Well I guess we got to place an order for Chinese delivery if we want anything to eat / Molly: Mmm! Let's call Jade Garden! / Roast Beef: Oh no way I heard they put mega ding dongs in their food! / Molly: Is that right? / Roast Beef: Oh yeah one time my friend ordered the combination fried rice and there was like just one small piece of beef and in excess of seven ding dongs! / [[Molly shrugs.]] / Molly: Well, maybe we could just order vegetarian dishes! / Roast Beef: I heard that if you try that the chef gets mad and draws ding dongs all over the cartons and receipt and everything / Molly: Really? You heard that? / Roast Beef: Oh yeah one time my friend tried that and in the fortune cookie was just this FURIOUS lookin' drawing of a ding dong / {{alt text: they got mega ding dongs in that restaurant's food}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03172003
Achewood - March 17, 2003 Roast Beef: Well I guess we got to place an order for Chinese delivery if we want anything to eat / Molly: Mmm! Let's call Jade Garden! / Roast Beef: Oh no way I heard they put mega ding dongs in their food! / Molly: Is that right? / Roast Beef: Oh yeah one time my friend ordered the combination fried rice and there was like just one small piece of beef and in excess of seven ding dongs! / Molly: Well, maybe we could just order vegetarian dishes! / Roast Beef: I heard that if you try that the chef gets mad and draws ding dongs all over the cartons and receipt and everything / Molly: Really? You heard that? / Roast Beef: Oh yeah one time my friend tried that and in the fortune cookie was just this FURIOUS lookin' drawing of a ding dong
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03172003
Achewood - March 17, 2003 Beef: Well I guess we got to place an order for Chinese delivery if we want anything to eat / Molly: Mmm! Let's call Jade Garden! / Beef: Oh no way I heard they put mega ding dongs in their food! / Molly: Is that right? / Beef: Oh yeah one time my friend ordered the combination fried rice and there was like just one small piece of beef and in excess of seven ding dongs! / Molly: Well, maybe we could just order vegetarian dishes! / Beef: I heard that if you try that the chef gets mad and draws ding dongs all over the cartons and receipt and everything / Molly: Really? You heard that? / Beef: Oh yeah one time my friend tried that and in the fortune cookie was just this FURIOUS lookin' drawing of a ding dong [[miming a Chinese chef's angry scribbling]] / / {{they got mega ding dongs in that restaurant's food}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03172003
Achewood - March 17, 2004 Ray: Look, Beef! I just drew all these dots around my arm like I was Frankenstein! / Roast Beef: Oh uh you should place the dots more at your joints you know / Dr. Frankenstein was trained in anatomy and would never have cut through the middle like that / Ray: Okay...but still - pretty cool, huh! / Roast Beef: Also you got to have bolts on both sides of the neck to serve as your positive and negative terminals / Roast Beef: Another nice touch would be molasses to mimic congealed blood around the stitches / [[Ray at the computer, composing a diary entry that reads: / Dear Diary, / Well, I'd tell you about my day but Roast Beef could probably do it better! Maybe I'll pretend HE'S writin' today's entry, since he is so smart! / oh uh listen uh so and um today I studied a microscope oh dang wait I am supposed to be writing Ray's diary uh sorry wait okay then uhh Ray expressed the smallest iota of creative ability and um as usual I couldn't keep my mouth shut I was hella blabberin' comments and carryin' on in such a way as a fool does]] / [[Roast Beef also at the computer, composing his real diary entry: / *Journal For 3/17* / Talking with Ray today I realized that one can be either Prepared or Unprepared for death. I spent the afternoon centralizing all my financial papers so that I won't be a hassle to the caseworker who closes the books on me. I pinned the file to the wall opposite the front door, roughly at eye level, clearly labeled. On the folder I attached a Post-It of various places I might be found dead (scalded on garage floor due to hot water heater explosion, etc). / Todd called, we had a good chat. He wanted to know if...]] / {{alt text: Could also be found having choked to death in breakfast nook}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03172004
 
Achewood - March 17, 2005 3/17/2005 / Dear Readers: / Our baby girl was born today. Achewood comic strips will return in a week or so, and in the meantime please enjoy these daily photographs from around the (silent) Achewood production facilities. / Figure 4: Here is a pretty good shot of Cocktail Recipes. He is the little man who wanders around our house, offering cocktails. Do you want a drink with two different kinds of vermouth, or perhaps a live goldfish? Cocktail Recipes is your man. His voice is virtually identical to that of Mickey Mouse. I love him so much. / {{Cocktail Recipes here! I can bring you a drink, sir! / I love you, Cocktail Recipes.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03172005
Achewood - March 17, 2006 [[Ray has recently been reunited with his father following his semi-victory in the Great Outdoor Fight]] / Ray: Dad! It's me, Ray! From... from Sondra, you know! / Ramses Luther Smuckles: Easy, boy. Don't rap mush with me. / Ramses: you in the goggles. What's your name. / Roast Beef: Uh hello Mr. Smuckles my name is Roast Beef / Ramses: Hush, Roast Beef. / Roast Beef: Yes sir / [[A view of the control tower]] / Ramses: They told me my boy was int eh Fight this year! I been up in that tower since they raised the gate, watchin' you two. / Ray: How'd we do, dad? How'd we look? / Ramses: Roast Beef, do I have to hush him? / Roast Beef: Hush Ray / Ramses: You two's tight since small times, ain't you. Always fightin' as a team, Roast Beef usin' brains, Ray usin' brawn... / Ramses: Problem IS, only one man can win this Fight! / Ray: It's okay, dad, Beef said he'd lay it down for me! I'm gonna drop him easy. / Ramses: I though you rookies might get up to as much. A lay-down ain't gonna fly with the men in the tower, you realize. They see anything short of a cold, ruthless ass-beatin', they'll bring out the Jeeps. / Roast Beef: Oh not the Jeeps no Ray we ain't goin' that route please / Ray: But... but I can't beat real on Beef! He's my oldest friend! / Ramses: If that's the arrangement, you got to beat him 'till his blood runs, boy. You got to beat him 'till he can't crawl, see, or cry. Those are the rules, and all eyes are on you.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03172006
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=03172008">http://achewood.com/?date=03172008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood § March 17, 2009 Teodor: When'd you know it was over... or did you? / Lyle: Sigh / [[Flashback to Lyle and Wolcott in a bar as Darlene walks in]] / Narration: Me'n the boys were gettin' firm on brew down at the Beeter-Bub, and she came lookin' for me. She was already stewin' pretty good herself. / Darlene: So, how was she? 'Dja fuck 'er? Don't lie to me, Lyle! You think yer so much better'n me? Well you ain't! You's just a goddamn bastard! / Lyle: What'n hell are you talkin' about, Darlene? / [[Darlene hits Lyle]] / <> / Darlene: The cable company called again, ya damn idjit! And it was HER! Oh, I caught you, Lyle. I caught you but good this time. / Lyle: They call cause I never remember to pay the damn bill! You don't get mad when the guy from the phone company calls! / Darlene: Well maybe you're secretly a FAGGOT and that's why you never pay that bill neither! / Lyle [[to Wolcott]]: I think I gotta go take care 'a this, Wolcott. / Wolcott: That's fine, and that's good, and you do watcha gotta do, Lyle. I'll be here at the Beeter-Bub. / [[Darlene tries to smack Lyle again, and he slaps her hand away.]] / Wolcott: One thing, though. / Lyle: What's that? / Wolcott: I'd no sooner put you two in a room right now than I'd microwave two tin cups 'a whiskey. / Wolcott: Ser'sly, Lyle. Hackles 'n fangs on Saturday, tail down on Sundy. Let that one digest her firewater and what she don't remember she'll hope you forget. / [[End flashback]] / Teodor: You take his advice? It sounds pretty sage, actually. / Lyle: Yeah, I did. I was lazy. / Lyle: I saw her two more times after that. / Teodor: Two more times? / [[Teodor types]] <> / Lyle: I saw Wolcott one more time.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03172009
The Party: Day V [[Ray is dancing to music. A CD case is at the bottom of the panel, mostly out-of-frame. He appears to be performing the Charleston.]] / [[He is now performing the "Crane Kick" from Karate Kid. The CD begins to move upwards--it is an album by TOTO.]] / [[Ray is pirouetting with his arms out. This is known as the "Five Year Old Break Down". The TOTO album's name is partially revealed as the CD continues to rise into the panel.]] / [[Ray repeats his dance move from the first panel. The album is revealed as AFRICA; Ray is presumably grooving to the titular track.]] / {{alt text: What the fuck, St Patty's ruined my out-put}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182002
 
Achewood - March 18, 2003 [[Ray awaits Roast Beef's prognosis from Dr. Andretti.]] / Dr. Andretti: Ray, I encountered some difficulties during your friends surgery. / Ray: Oh my Lord! Did the AIBO lung not work? / Dr. Andretti: In fact, quite the opposite. / [[Ray and Dr. Andretti stand beside Roast Beef's bed, where he lies unconscious]] / Dr. Andretti: I ended up using the AIBO's entire cardiopulmonary system to replace his natural organs, which were quite weakened. / Ray: {{GASP}} / Dr. Andretti: Why, I wouldn't be surprised if Roast Beef now outlived us all by several decades! / Dr. Andretti: But, as they are computerized they will be prone to crashing from time to time. / Ray: Y-yeah? / [[Close-up on a paper clip heading into a tiny hole.]] / Dr. Andretti: To reboot him, simply insert a paper clip into this small hole I made in his chest. / {{alt text: R.O.B.O.T. D.I.N.G. D.O.N.G. ?.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182003
Achewood - March 18, 2003 [[Ray awaits Roast Beef's prognosis from Dr. Andretti.]] / Dr. Andretti: Ray, I encountered some difficulties during your friend's surgery. / Ray: Oh my Lord! Did the AIBO lung not work? / Dr. Andretti: In fact, quite the opposite. / [[Ray and Dr. Andretti stand beside Roast Beef's bed, where he lies unconscious]] / Dr. Andretti: I ended up using the AIBO's entire cardiopulmonary system to replace his natural organs, which were quite weakened. / Ray: <> / Dr. Andretti: Why, I wouldn't be surprised if Roast Beef now outlived us all by several decades! / Dr. Andretti: But, as they are computerized they will be prone to crashing from time to time. / Ray: Y-yeah? / [[Close-up on a paper clip heading into a tiny hole.]] / Dr. Andretti: To reboot him, simply insert a paper clip into this small hole I made in his chest. / {{alt text: R.O.B.O.T. D.I.N.G. D.O.N.G. ?.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182003
Achewood - March 18, 2003 [[Ray awaits Roast Beef's prognosis from Dr. Andretti.]] / Dr. Andretti: Ray, I encountered some difficulties during your friend's surgery. / Ray: Oh my Lord! Did the AIBO lung not work? / Dr. Andretti: In fact, quite the opposite. / [[Ray and Dr. Andretti stand beside Roast Beef's bed, where he lies unconscious]] / Dr. Andretti: I ended up using the AIBO's entire cardiopulmonary system to replace his natural organs, which were quite weakened. / Ray: {{GASP}} / Dr. Andretti: Why, I wouldn't be surprised if Roast Beef now outlived us all by several decades! / Dr. Andretti: But, as they are computerized they will be prone to crashing from time to time. / Ray: Y-yeah? / [[Close-up on a paper clip heading into a tiny hole.]] / Dr. Andretti: To reboot him, simply insert a paper clip into this small hole I made in his chest. / {{alt text: R.O.B.O.T. D.I.N.G. D.O.N.G. ?.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182003
Achewood - March 18, 2004 TODD: Awww frick yeah, baby! / TODD: This is Captain Todd speakin'! We got clear skies all the way to Frankfurt! / TODD: Our current airspeed is 653MPH and we'll be landin' in six hours' time! / CORNELIUS: / TEODOR: / {{title text: POMMES ODER BROT}}
http://achewood.com/?date=03182004
Achewood - March 18, 2004 TODD: Awww frick yeah, baby! / TODD: This is Captain Todd speakin'! We got clear skies all the way to Frankfurt! / TODD: Our current airspeed is 653MPH and we'll be landin' in six hours' time! / CORNELIUS: / TEODOR: / NARRATOR: TOMORROW: ACHEWOOD TAKES THE TRAIN TO BERLIN / {{title text: POMMES ODER BROT}}
http://achewood.com/?date=03182004
Achewood - March 18, 2004 Todd: Awww frick yeah, baby! / Todd: This is Captain Todd speakin'! We got clear skies all the way to Frankfurt! / Todd: Out current airspeed is 653 MPH and we'll be landin' in six hours' time! / {{alt text: POMMES ODER BROT}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182004
Achewood - March 18, 2004 Todd: Awww frick yeah, baby! / Todd: This is Captain Todd speakin'! We got clear skies all the way to Frankfurt! / Todd: Our current airspeed is 653 MPH and we'll be landin' in six hours' time! / {{alt text: POMMES ODER BROT}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182004
Achewood - March 18, 2004 [[Apassenger plane is flying in the air.]] / Todd: Awww frick yeah, baby! / [[A close-up of the nose of the plane reveals that Todd is the pilot.]] / Todd: This is Captain Todd speakin'! We got clear skies all the way to Frankfurt! / [[We see Teodor and Cornelius through one of the plane's windows.]] / Todd: Our current airspeed is 653 MPH and we'll be landin' in six hours' time! / {{alt text: POMMES ODER BROT}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182004
Achewood - March 18, 2005 3/17/2005 / Dear Readers: / Our baby girl was born today. Achewood comic strips will return in a week or so, and in the meantime please enjoy these daily photographs from around the (silent) Achewood production facilities. / Figure 5: Cocktail Recipes peruses his refrigerated garnish shelf in pursuit of an anchovy-stuffed green olive, an ingredient essential to the concotion of a Godless Spaniard. Cocktail Recipes is almost robotic in his desire to make every cocktail perfect. He wears four stars on his lapel. / {{Cocktail Recipes does not compute when you do not want a cocktail. He simply smiles and waits until you want a cocktail.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182005
Achewood - March 18, 2008 [[Philippe and Mr. Bear are speaking in a hallway]] / Philippe: I want to be a comedian! Mr. Bear, how do I come up with my own jokes? / Mr. Bear: Well, make an initial statement that causes the listener to create an assumption, and then surprise them by making a follow-up statement which proves their assumption wrong. / Mr. Bear: That's the basic, workaday model with which you'd best begin. / Philippe: Huh! Okay, how about this... / Philippe: "They say that eating an apple a day keeps the doctor away ... but throwing it at him works better!" / Mr. Bear: Not too shabby for a first go! Try again! / Philippe: "They say that genius is ninety-nine percent perspiration, so I wrote to Stephen Hawking and asked that he never come and sit on any of our couches!" / [[Philippe, now getting into his stride...]] / Philippe: "I went to a doctor for help getting rid of my athelete's foot, but they just yanked it away and threw me in jail..." / Mr. Bear: Goodness me, already mining the dark veins in the service of your craft! / Philippe: "I truly believe that there is somebody out there for everyone ... just standing there ... waiting for the house to go dark..."
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182008
Achewood ? March 18, 2009 Ray: Dude, I can't just read somethin' and "know" it. I'm one of those guys who learns best by doin'. / Ray: That's why I can't come out all guns blazin' on, like, the history of France. / Pat: Oh, come on. Everybody at least knows what Bastille Day is. / Ray: Actually, that's a great example. Look: I wasn't there bein' all historical, so I'm like, "Bastille Day? There's poop in the river and the peasants are dyin'? Whaaat?"* / [[*Point of fact: this was most of history, but not Bastille Day in particular.]] / Pat: You know, I'm not entirely unsympathetic to learning disorders. Perhaps there could be a special school where you play-act historical events in order to be able to remember them. / Ray: Now you talkin' with bacon, Pat! Dayum! / [[Ray sits on a horse with a smoking pistol, dressed in a Napoleonic era military uniform.]] / Ray's Narration: Picture me all on some plumed horse in my finery, shootin' a cup outta' a peasant's hand with my wooden pistol as he tries to drink the river water... / Ray: I do zees... in ze name of Bastille. / Pat: I suppose for an extra fee you could get the entire significance of your chosen topic completely wrong, yes. / [[MARCO POLO, CHINA, 1290]] / Ray: Alright, China. You drive a hard bargain. I'll give you the idea for spaghetti, but let the women and children go. I don't care what happens to me. / [[Price tag: $600]] / [[LONDON, 9/18, 1970]] / Ray: Jimi, man, wake up. Lay on your side, man. I ain't care if it goes all over the carpet. Just get those reds out, get that nasty old Ripple out. / Jimi Hendrix: Oh... oh god man... thanks Ray... / Ray: We gonna get omelettes, Jimi. Hot omelettes in the PM. You just rest. / [[Price tag: $2400]] / {{Alt text: Ray has a tricky relationship with knowledge.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03182009
 

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