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| Achewood - March 19, 2002 | T ODOR: Here we are! I think she's back here.
/ PHILIPPE: She?
/ T ODOR: She was kind of shy and wandered off down the hall.
/ PHILIPPE: I'm going to meet a lady?
/ T ODOR: Looks like it! Are you gentleman enough to introduce yourself?
/ (Phillipe salutes)
/ PHILLIPE: Oh boy!
/ PHILIPPE: Hello?
/ (Phillipe peeks around the doorjam)
/ ULTRA PEANUT: 你好! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03192002 |
| Achewood - March 19, 2003 | [[Roast Beef and Molly are eating Chinese food in heaven.]]
/ Roast Beef: Wow! You might be the only lady who ever liked to read Nate Small! / Molly: Nate was so cool! You know, you're a lot like him...
/ Roast Beef: ...really? / Molly: Tall... quiet... deep... / [[Roast Beef and Molly lean forward and touch hands. Molly puckers her lips to kiss him.]]
/ Molly: handsome... / MEANWHILE / [[A paper clip is inserted into a small hole in Roast Beef's chest.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03192003 |
| Achewood - March 19, 2003 | [[Roast Beef and Molly are eating Chinese food in heaven.]]
/ Roast Beef: Wow! You might be the only lady who ever liked to read Nate Small! / Molly: Nate was so cool! You know, you're a lot like him...
/ Roast Beef: ...really? / Molly: Tall... quiet... deep... / [[Roast Beef and Molly lean forward and touch hands. Molly puckers her lips to kiss him.]]
/ Molly: handsome... / MEANWHILE / [[A paper clip is inserted into a small hole in Roast Beef's chest.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03192003 |
| Achewood - March 19, 2004 | NARRATOR: RIDING THE TRAIN OUT OF FRANKFURT-AM-MAIN / RAY: See here, Philippe! / RAY: When I shake the Bruichladdich fourteen year, there are barely any bubbles! / RAY: But when I shake the '89 cask strength, look at all the bubbles! That indicates higher alcohol content.
/ PHILIPPE: Huh! / RAY: And watch, after five seconds there's still a "ring of pearls." That indicates a 50% alcohol content in the whiskey. Additional concentric rings would each signify an extra 2%!
/ PHILIPPE: Wow! Neat! / RAY: Now let's talk about body. See how when I swirl the '73, barely any "legs" run down the inside of the glass? This shows that-- / TEODOR: [[thinks]] "--that the oils from the Sherry cask have had time to..." damn, how did Ray already memorize this month's Playboy Advisor? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03192004 |
| Achewood - March 19, 2004 | NARRATOR: RIDING THE TRAIN OUT OF FRANKFURT-AM-MAIN / RAY: See here, Philippe! / RAY: When I shake the Bruichladdich fourteen year, there are barely any bubbles! / RAY: But when I shake the '89 cask strength, look at all the bubbles! That indicates higher alcohol content.
/ PHILIPPE: Huh! / RAY: And watch, after five seconds there's still a "ring of pearls." That indicates a 50% alcohol content in the whiskey. Additional concentric rings would each signify an extra 2%!
/ PHILIPPE: Wow! Neat! / RAY: Now let's talk about body. See how when I swirl the '73, barely any "legs" run down the inside of the glass? This shows that-- / TEODOR: [[thinks]] "--that the oils from the Sherry cask have had time to..." damn, how did Ray already memorize this month's Playboy Advisor? / {{title-text: Ray goes to the Duty Free at both ends of the journey}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03192004 |
| Achewood - March 19, 2007 | [[THE PAT REYNOLDS DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART]]
/ ahhhhhhhh!!!! / WHAT? / oHHHHHHHHHHHHh / oHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03192007 |
| Achewood - March 19, 2007 | [[THE PAT REYNOLDS DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART]] / ARRGH! / WHAT? / K-TECH MULTI "WHAT" BALANCER http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03192007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03192010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03192010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - March 20, 2002 | [[Phillippe by a doorway, wearing a tie in addition to his usual pants and shoes.]]
/ Phillippe: Well, now! What language is that you're speaking? / [[Ultra Peanut stands, hands folded]] / [[Tilts her head slightly]]
/ Ultra Peanut: Ni Hao? (written in Chinese) / [[Phillippe looks confused]] / [[Phillippe gets an idea.]] / [[Phillippe holds a piece of paper]]
/ Phillippe: Maybe you can write it down!
/ Ultra Peanut: (unknown Chinese character)! / [[Ultra Peanut writes]] / [[Ultra Peanut hands the paper back]] / [[Phillippe is taken aback]] / [[Close-up of the paper. It says "snoopys balls"]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03202002 |
| Achewood - March 20, 2002 | [[Phillippe by a doorway, wearing a tie in addition to his usual pants and shoes.]]
/ Phillippe: Well, now! What language is that you're speaking? / [[Ultra Peanut stands, hands folded]] / [[Tilts her head slightly]]
/ Ultra Peanut: Ni Hao? (written in Chinese) / [[Phillippe looks confused]] / [[Phillippe gets an idea.]] / [[Phillippe holds a piece of paper]]
/ Phillippe: Maybe you can write it down!
/ Ultra Peanut: (unknown Chinese character)! / [[Ultra Peanut writes]] / [[Ultra Peanut hands the paper back]] / [[Phillippe is taken aback]] / [[Close-up of the paper. It says "snoopys balls"]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03202002 |
| Achewood - March 20, 2002 | [[Phillippe by a doorway, wearing a tie in addition to his usual pants and shoes.]]
/ Phillippe: Well, now! What language is that you're speaking? / [[Ultra Peanut stands, hands folded]] / [[Tilts her head slightly]]
/ Ultra Peanut: Ni Hao? (written in Chinese) / [[Phillippe looks confused]] / [[Phillippe gets an idea.]] / [[Phillippe holds a piece of paper]]
/ Phillippe: Maybe you can write it down!
/ Ultra Peanut: (unknown Chinese character)! / [[Ultra Peanut writes]] / [[Ultra Peanut hands the paper back]] / [[Phillippe is taken aback]] / [[Close-up of the paper. It says "snoopys balls"]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03202002 |
| Achewood - March 20, 2002 | [[Phillippe by a doorway, wearing a tie in addition to his usual pants and shoes.]]
/ Phillippe: Well, now! What language is that you're speaking? / [[Ultra Peanut stands, hands folded]] / [[Tilts her head slightly]]
/ Ultra Peanut: Ni Hao? (written in Chinese) / [[Phillippe looks confused]] / [[Phillippe gets an idea.]] / [[Phillippe holds a piece of paper]]
/ Phillippe: Maybe you can write it down!
/ Ultra Peanut: (unknown Chinese character)! / [[Ultra Peanut writes]] / [[Ultra Peanut hands the paper back]] / [[Phillippe is taken aback]] / [[Close-up of the paper. It says "snoopys balls"]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03202002 |
| Achewood - March 20, 2003 | [[Everything is black]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh wow my first kiss
/ Roast Beef: This is the one I'll always cherish / Roast Beef: It's just like I always... dang what is that smell
/ Roast Beef: It's like I'm being stung by Marlboro Lights / [[Pause]] / Roast Beef: Oh no no no no no / [[Ray shouts, waving happily]]
/ Ray: Beef! BEEF!
/ Ray: I...AM...RAY!
/ Ray: I AM YOUR FRIEND! / {{title text: the sting of Marlboros and the burn of all-day Smirnoff}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03202003 |
| Achewood - March 20, 2006 | Ramses Luther Smuckles: This IS what you got yourself into, boy. / Ramses Luther Smuckles: Now, I know you think you got a full day of the Fight left, but rules is, if there only be two men standin', they got one hour 'til the Jeeps. / Ramses Luther Smuckles: I'll see one of you later. / Ray: O-Okay, dad! / Ray: [[Soon.]] What's the deal with these Jeeps, anyway? I don't remember ever hearin' 'bout no Jeeps in the Fight. / Roast Beef: They only brought them out once in 1962 when the Schweitz triplets tried to claim a three-man victory
/ Roast Beef: They're all buried in the field southeast of the Acres. / Ray: They...they'll do that? Just mow you down in cold blood? / Roast Beef: The Fight is their show Ray man we ain't got no business steppin' outside their rules! / Ray: Man, fuck those guys! The hell they're gonna say how this Fight is won! [[Ray shakes his fist at the observation booth]] BRING ON THE JEEPS, GOD DAMN YOU! / Roast Beef: Dogg no you ain't want to challenge the Jeeps Ray you got no idea what you even on about! / Ray: Why should the Fight get to say how the Fight is won or lost? Become the ruling body, dude! / [[Last panel shows keys for Jeeps being removed from hanger]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03202006 |
| Achewood - March 20, 2006 | Ramses Luther Smuckles: This IS what you got yourself into, boy. / Ramses Luther Smuckles: Now, I know you think you got a full day of the Fight left, but rules is, if there only be two men standin', they got one hour 'til the Jeeps. / Ramses Luther Smuckles: I'll see one of you later. / Ray: O-Okay, dad! / Ray: [[Soon.]] What's the deal with these Jeeps, anyway? I don't remember ever hearin' 'bout no Jeeps in the Fight. / Roast Beef: They only brought them out once in 1962 when the Schweitz triplets tried to claim a three-man victory
/ Roast Beef: They're all buried in the field southeast of the Acres. / Ray: They...they'll do that? Just mow you down in cold blood? / Roast Beef: The Fight is their show Ray man we ain't got no business steppin' outside their rules! / Ray: Man, fuck those guys! The hell they're gonna say how this Fight is won! [[Ray shakes his fist at the observation booth]] BRING ON THE JEEPS, GOD DAMN YOU! / Roast Beef: Dogg no you ain't want to challenge the Jeeps Ray you got no idea what you even on about! / Ray: Why should the Fight get to say how the Fight is won or lost? Become the ruling body, dude! / [[Last panel shows keys for Jeeps being removed from hanger]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03202006 |
| Achewood - March 20, 2008 | [[Laszlo's Cafe: The Underground. 2PM.]] / [[Philippe onstage with microphone]]
/ Philippe: My weird neighbor came by and started shooting her mouth off... now she has to eat through a tube in her arm...
/ Unseen Audience: Clap Clap Clap Clap / Philippe: Speaking of shooting... Sure, it's easy to shoot fish in a barrel, but I prefer to shoot fish in a tuxedo. I think people appreciate that extra level of professionalism.
/ Unseen Audience: Clap Wooot! Clap Tell it like it is little man Clap / Philippe: Instead of dessert, English people call it "pudding." This works really well if you're trying to lose weight.
/ Unseen Audience: Clap Clap I gotta try that man nothing's working Clap / Philippe: They tell us not to judge a book by its cover, but what if the building's on fire? Don't be a hero, man - just do it and get out.
/ Unseen Audience: Clap Clap Clap Lost a brother that way Clap Clap Clap Clap / Philippe: Women are born with all the eggs they'll ever have, but cockroaches are born pregnant... I think we know who's winning that game...
/ Unseen Audience: Clap Clap Clap Clap I think my first wife was a cockroach Clap Clap Clap Clap / {{Title: Philippe at Laszlo's}}
/ {{Alt-text: If homeless people are so clever, how come they can't fly?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03202008 |
| Achewood ? March 20, 2009 | [[Nice Pete, typing on his computer]]
/ Nice Pete: I am told by many that the "Wii" video game system is the one to beat the band. / Nice Pete: I am told that it appeals to elders, the Church, and all the others who took no truck with the video game notion in the first place. / [[Picture of a Wii]]
/ Nice Pete: I am also told that with various add-ons the Wii can, in "live time," integrate the full rangeof the player's motions into its games and challenges. / [[Nice Pete is successful, dressed in a suit, surrounded by the press]]
/ Nice Pete: If that is the case, then perhaps I can finally Break into computers...on my terms. Perhaps I can finally make my Fortune as a designer of "software." / [[Computer again]]
/ Nice Pete: I have always considered that I would come into my wealth through isolated acts of genius, and not through fatherly toil. In this I have always been the Shame of my family. / Nice Pete: So be it. / Nice Pete: On this night, this eve of my reassessment of computers, I present my List of Games for Development. It shall be received by the makers of the Wii via Certified Mail, Return Receipt Requested. / [[Sheet of paper]]
/ 4. Cereal Pro 5000
/ A young child rises early and craves something to fill his knotted belly. Can he pour the cereal into the bowl without raising the ire of his drunken father, who sleeps fitfully on the living room couch?
/ ACCESSORIES NEEDED: Wii Cereal Bowl, Wii Box of Ball Bearings
/ PROTIP: Pour the "cereal" onto a dishrag in the bowl, then soak with milk, then eat. Suck rag for milk. / [[Sheet of paper]]
/ 21. HILLSIDES
/ You are in an honest country shack surrounded by hillsides. From each hillside comes the howl of a different creature. Your maw-maw, stricken with Subtracting Rhythmus, needs cavity salts, and you must pick your way to the general store.
/ ACCESSORIES NEEDED: Wii Hatchet, Wii Distraction Piglets
/ PROTIP: The deadlier creatures will always choose you over a piglet because they can always go back and get the piglet. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03202009 |
| Achewood - March 21, 2002 | [[Téodor, in tuxedo and with brilliantined hair, speaks to Roast Beef. Both are smoking.]] / Téodor: So, I guess we never really got introduced...I'm Téodor. / [[Roast Beef nods]] / Téodor: What...what's your name? / Roast Beef: Huh? / Téodor: I'm Téodor. What do they call you? / Roast Beef: uh... / [[Roast Beef slumps a bit.]] / [[Ray barges up behind Roast Beef. Roast Beef cringes and closes his eyes.]]
/ Ray: Hey, Téodor! Who left you alone with Roast Beef? / [[A title card with Roast Beef in an iris shot surrounded by the words]]
/ ROAST BEEF
/ THE MIDDLE CAT
/ NOT RAY, NOT PAT http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212002 |
| Achewood - March 21, 2002 | [[Téodor, in tuxedo and with brilliantined hair, speaks to Roast Beef, who is wearing a blank t-shirt. Both are smoking.]] / Téodor: So, I guess we never really got introduced...I'm Téodor. / [[Roast Beef nods]] / Téodor: What...what's your name? / Roast Beef: Huh? / Téodor: I'm Téodor. What do they call you? / Roast Beef: uh... / [[Roast Beef slumps a bit.]] / [[Ray, wearing a robe or fur coat, barges up behind Roast Beef. Roast Beef cringes and closes his eyes.]]
/ Ray: Hey, Téodor! Who left you alone with Roast Beef? / [[A title card with Roast Beef in an iris shot surrounded by the words]]
/ ROAST BEEF
/ THE MIDDLE CAT
/ NOT RAY, NOT PAT / {{Title or meta-text: People had been asking about the middle cat}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212002 |
| Achewood - March 21, 2002 | [[Téodor, in tuxedo and with brilliantined hair, speaks to Roast Beef. Both are smoking.]]
/ Téodor: So, I guess we never really got introduced...I'm Téodor. / [[Roast Beef nods]] / Téodor: What...what's your name? / Roast Beef: Huh? / Téodor: I'm Téodor. What do they call you? / Roast Beef: uh... / [[Roast Beef slumps a bit.]] / [[Ray barges up behind Roast Beef. Roast Beef cringes and closes his eyes.]]
/ Ray: Hey, Téodor! Who left you alone with Roast Beef? / [[A title card with Roast Beef in an iris shot surrounded by the words]]
/ ROAST BEEF
/ THE MIDDLE CAT
/ NOT RAY, NOT PAT http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212002 |
| Achewood - March 21, 2002 | [[Téodor, in tuxedo and with brilliantined hair, speaks to Roast Beef. Both are smoking.]] / Téodor: So, I guess we never really got introduced...I'm Téodor. / [[Roast Beef nods]] / Téodor: What...what's your name? / Roast Beef: Huh? / Téodor: I'm Téodor. What do they call you? / Roast Beef: uh... / [[Roast Beef slumps a bit.]] / [[Ray barges up behind Roast Beef, drunk and in a robe. Roast Beef cringes and closes his eyes.]]
/ Ray: Hey, Téodor! Who left you alone with Roast Beef? / [[A title card with Roast Beef in an iris shot surrounded by the words]]
/ ROAST BEEF
/ THE MIDDLE CAT
/ NOT RAY, NOT PAT http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212002 |
| Achewood - March 21, 2002 | [[Téodor, in tuxedo and with brilliantined hair, speaks to Roast Beef. Both are smoking.]] / Téodor: So, I guess we never really got introduced...I'm Téodor. / [[Roast Beef nods]] / Téodor: What...what's your name? / Roast Beef: Huh? / Téodor: I'm Téodor. What do they call you? / Roast Beef: uh... / [[Roast Beef slumps a bit.]] / [[Ray drunk barges up behind Roast Beef. Roast Beef cringes and closes his eyes.]]
/ Ray: Hey, Téodor! Who left you alone with Roast Beef? / [[A title card with Roast Beef in an iris shot surrounded by the words]]
/ ROAST BEEF
/ THE MIDDLE CAT
/ NOT RAY, NOT PAT http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212002 |
| Achewood - March 21, 2003 | [[Roast Beef in a hospital bed, Ray hovering over him.]] / Ray: Beef! Beef! Are you okay?
/ Roast Beef: Dang what happened
/ Where's Molly / Ray: What are you talkin' about, Beef?
/ Who's Molly? / Roast Beef: Oh man I had this great apartment in heaven and there was this perfect lady
/ She was so down / Ray: Heh! Sounds like you been doin' some serious dreamin' under that anesthetic. / Roast Beef: No no dang it man it couldn't have been a dream
/ It was so real / Roast Beef: (thinking) Whoah what's this
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212003 |
| Achewood - March 21, 2003 | [[Roast Beef lying in the bed. Ray is sitting on the bedside]]
/ Ray: Beef! Beef! Are you okay?
/ Roast Beef: Dang what happened
/ Roast Beef: Where's Molly / [[Closeup of Ray's face]]
/ Ray: What are you talkin' about, Beef?
/ Ray: Who's Molly? / [[Closeup of Roast Beef in the bed]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh man I had this great apartment in heaven and there was this perfect lady
/ Roast Beef: She was so down / [[Back to Ray]]
/ Ray: Heh! Sounds like you been doin' some serious dreamin' under that anesthetic. / [[Back to Roast Beef]]
/ Roast Beef: No no dang man it couldn't have been a dream
/ Roast Beef: It was so real / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212003 |
| Achewood - March 21, 2003 | [[Roast Beef in a hospital bed, Ray hovering over him.]] / Ray: Beef! Beef! Are you okay?
/ Roast Beef: Dang what happened
/ Where's Molly / Ray: What are you talkin' about, Beef?
/ Who's Molly? / Roast Beef: Oh man I had this great apartment in heaven and there was this perfect lady
/ She was so down / Ray: Heh! Sounds like you been doin' some serious dreamin' under that anesthetic. / Roast Beef: No no dang it man it couldn't have been a dream
/ It was so real / Roast Beef: (thinking) Whoah what's this
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212003 |
| The Jeeps take the field | [[Ray has just called out the tower's bluff to "bring on the jeeps". He stands in the middle of the field with Roast Beef.]] / RB: Oh crap Ray now they raisin' the gate here they come man what the hell we gonna do ? / Ray: How much Christian Brothers we got left in that bottle? / RB: Ray NO man now ain't the time ! / [[Ray ties a piece of cloth the the top of the Christian Brothers bottle.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212006 |
| Achewood - March 21, 2007 | [[Inside of the video store Ray stands to the left of Pat. He is yanking a video case out of Pat's hands.]]
/ Ray: Daaamn, Pat! I didn't know you were gonna be at the video store! Whatchu gettin'?
/ Pat: None of your--GIVE ME THAT! / [[Ray holds the case up, reading the title.]]
/ Ray: Whoah. I don't know who Steve is, but I don't think I'm invited to his Party.
/ Pat: give...me...thaaaaat! / [[Ray is perusing the selection of videos on the shelf in front of him. Pat stands by helplessly.]]
/ Ray: You know what the problem with gay porn is? I'll tell you. Look at these titles...
/ Ray: "Steve's Party."
/ Ray: "Tim and Carl's Houseboat Party." / [[Ray continues to sort through titles.]]
/ Ray: "Brad: Party of One."
/ Ray: "Josh Rents a Wimp."
/ Ray: You know the clerk thinks you're an idiot for gettin' movies with titles this stupid, porn or not, man. / [[Ray looks up from the video cases in his hands.]]
/ Pat: Well, yes, but I don't have--
/ Ray: That's why you and me gotta reinvent gay porn, dude. We gonna design stealth DVD cases that only gay dudes know to pick up, cases that are virtually impossible for anyone else to care about.
/ Ray: I just decided this. / [[Panel Caption: SOON. Closeup of Ray's hand, holding a DVD case. Pictured on the case is a dog shaking excitedly in front of a bowl of food. The title on the case reads "Great, Great, _Great_!" It carries the subtitle "From the FINNISH" and is further labeled as being "DOUBLE-SUBTITLED." The case also features a sticker carrying the "handicapped" logo surrounded by the text "HOT PICK!"]]
/ Ray: Pat? Yeah, Ray here. I made us up a prototype. / {{Alt Text: Pat was renting Steve's Party.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212007 |
| Achewood - March 21, 2008 | [[Ray is asleep in bed. There is knocking at the door.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03212008 |
| Achewood - March 22, 2002 | [[Ray, martini in hand, chews on Roast Beef.]]
/ Ray: Grrr! Roas' beef! Mmmmm! / [[More of the same.]]
/ Ray: Grrr! GRRRR! / [[More of the same, Lie Bot with beer can be seen over their shoulders.]]
/ Ray: RRRR! RRRR!
/ Lie Bot: Ahem! Guess who died this morning?
/ Voice off-frame: Who, Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: None other than Mr. Johnny Cash!
/ [[Todd and his Squirrelmate are in a state of shock!]]
/ Squirrel: No way!
/ Todd: The Man in Black? / [[Johnny Cash quakes at his computer.]]
/ Johnny Cash: Mercy! / Voice of Maria: DID SENOR CASH DO HIS PEE PEE?
/ Johnny Cash: SI, MARIA! / [[Closeup on Cash, now furious.]] / [[He types in a similar state of fury. The words run off the screen.]]
/ Typed words:
/ DEAR SIRS: I TAKE OF
/ GOD-DAMNED ROBOT "LI
/ PROBABLY ITALIAN. FU
/ THAT SHIT ABOUT ME H
/ NOT EVEN FUNNY. MAYB
/ BIG HOT BOTTLE OF MY http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222002 |
| Achewood - March 22, 2002 | [[Ray, drunk, martini in hand, chews on Roast Beef's shoulder; Roast Beef is just barely tolerating it.]]
/ Ray: Grrr! Roas' beef! Mmmmm! / [[More of the same.]]
/ Ray: Grrr! GRRRR! / [[More of the same, Lie Bot with beer can be seen over their shoulders.]]
/ Ray: RRRR! RRRR!
/ Lie Bot: Ahem! Guess who died this morning?
/ Voice off-frame: Who, Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: None other than Mr. Johnny Cash!
/ [[Todd and his Squirrelmate are in a state of shock!]]
/ Squirrel: No way!
/ Todd: The Man in Black? / [[Johnny Cash quakes at his computer.]]
/ Johnny Cash: Mercy! / Voice of Maria: DID SENOR CASH DO HIS PEE PEE?
/ Johnny Cash: SI, MARIA! / [[Closeup on Cash, now furious.]] / [[He types in a similar state of fury. The words run off the screen.]]
/ Typed words:
/ DEAR SIRS: I TAKE OF
/ GOD-DAMNED ROBOT "LI
/ PROBABLY ITALIAN. FU
/ THAT SHIT ABOUT ME H
/ NOT EVEN FUNNY. MAYB
/ BIG HOT BOTTLE OF MY / {{Turn that alarm clock off, Roast Beef's scream will awake us all from dreams}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222002 |
| Achewood - March 22, 2002 | [[music notes appear above characters -- music is playing in the background]]
/ [[Ray, martini in hand, chews on Roast Beef.]]
/ Ray: Grrr! Roas' beef! Mmmmm! / [[More of the same.]]
/ Ray: Grrr! GRRRR! / [[More of the same, Lie Bot with beer can be seen over their shoulders.]]
/ Ray: RRRR! RRRR!
/ Lie Bot: Ahem! Guess who died this morning?
/ Voice off-frame: Who, Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: None other than Mr. Johnny Cash!
/ [[Todd and his Squirrelmate are in a state of shock!]]
/ Squirrel: No way!
/ Todd: The Man in Black? / [[Johnny Cash quakes at his computer.]]
/ Johnny Cash: Mercy! / Voice of Maria: DID SENOR CASH DO HIS PEE PEE?
/ Johnny Cash: SI, MARIA! / [[Closeup on Cash, now furious.]] / [[He types in a similar state of fury. The words run off the screen.]]
/ Typed words:
/ DEAR SIRS: I TAKE OF
/ GOD-DAMNED ROBOT "LI
/ PROBABLY ITALIAN. FU
/ THAT SHIT ABOUT ME H
/ NOT EVEN FUNNY. MAYB
/ BIG HOT BOTTLE OF MY http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222002 |
| Achewood - March 22, 2004 | ROAST BEEF: Oh listen remember dogg you were all kinds of saying about how Bono emailed you reminding you to try a Currywurst when you were in Berlin
/ RAY: Oh, yeah! Thanks, Beef! / RAY: Ein, Currywurst, Bitte!
/ DER MANN, DER DIE WÜRSTE VERKAUFT: MIT POMMES ODER BROT? / RAY: Heh! What?
/ DER MANN: POMMES ODER BROT. / RAY: Heh, sorry! What?
/ DER MANN: POMMES ODER BROT? / ROAST BEEF: Ray all the man wants to know is if you want fries or a roll as your side
/ RAY: Well then why's he bein' such a prick about it?! / ROAST BEEF: 'Cause that kind of question usually don't provoke such protracted equivocation and nervous grins you know / RAY: Man, I ain't even off the train two minutes and already I got some guy thinkin' I'm touched in the head!
/ ROAST BEEF: He is definitely envisioning a simple apartment decorated with owl posters yeah / {{title text: Actually it was an IM and it was from his cousin Kev, who regularly gives him travel tips}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222004 |
| Achewood - March 22, 2005 | [[Ray, Roast Beef, and Chris are sitting around in armchairs]] / Ray: Dang, man! Fatherhood, huh? You even see the delivery? / Chris: Yeah, I was right there with the midwife. / Ray: So what does a human baby look like right when it first comes out? Spill it, O! / Chris [[Off-panel]]: Like a dead booger that learned how to scream.
/ Roast Beef: Did you see Eraserhead / Ray: I tell you, man. A baby cat comes out, it's like, / Ray [[Gesturing]]: "Meow, people. Meow. Shit be good on this fine day." / Chris: Comparing a human to a cat is like comparing Deep Blue to one of those shoes that people with clubfoot wear. / Ray: Hey, man, don't knock my I-Quizzie. 183 is serious times, dogg. / Chris: You belong to Mensa?
/ Ray: Oh hell no, man. I hate watchin' unshaved librarians do the limbo under some dude's cane. / Chris: That's vivid! You went to a Mensa meeting, didn't you! Admit it! / Ray: Don't ask me stuff, man! You just had a baby! Be cool! / Chris: You went to a Mensa meeting and tried to smooth some broad with a bag of raisins in her purse!
/ Ray: Ain't you gotta talk on the phone to your mom about how the baby opened its left eye or something? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222005 |
| Achewood - March 22, 2005 | [[Ray, Roast Beef, and Chris are sitting around in armchairs, canned beverages in hands ]] / Ray: Dang, man! Fatherhood, huh? You even see the delivery? / [[Chris is wearing a shirt with the word "Coors" embroidered thereon. ]]
/ Chris: Yeah, I was right there with the midwife. / Ray: So what does a human baby look like right when it first comes out? Spill it, O! / Chris [[Off-panel]]: Like a dead booger that learned how to scream.
/ Roast Beef: Did you see Eraserhead / Ray: I tell you, man. A baby cat comes out, it's like, / Ray [[Gesturing]]: "Meow, people. Meow. Shit be good on this fine day." / Chris: Comparing a human to a cat is like comparing Deep Blue to one of those shoes that people with clubfoot wear. / Ray: Hey, man, don't knock my I-Quizzie. 183 is serious times, dogg. / Chris: You belong to Mensa?
/ Ray: Oh hell no, man. I hate watchin' unshaved librarians do the limbo under some dude's cane. / Chris: That's vivid! You went to a Mensa meeting, didn't you! Admit it! / Ray: Don't ask me stuff, man! You just had a baby! Be cool! / Chris: You went to a Mensa meeting and tried to smooth some broad with a bag of raisins in her purse!
/ Ray: Ain't you gotta talk on the phone to your mom about how the baby opened its left eye or something? / {{ Don't worry, this is not going to turn into a strip that is constantly about a baby }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222005 |
| Achewood - March 22, 2005 | [[Ray, Roast Beef, and Chris are sitting around in armchairs, drinking from cans.]]
/ Ray: Dang, man! Fatherhood, huh?
/ Ray: You even see the delivery? / Chris: Yeah, I was right there with the midwife. / Ray: So what does a human baby look like right when it first comes out? Spill it, O! / Chris [[Off-panel]]: Like a dead booger that learned how to scream.
/ Roast Beef: Did you see Eraserhead / Ray: I tell you, man. A baby cat comes out, it's like, / Ray [[Gesturing]]: "Meow, people. Meow. Shit be good on this fine day." / Chris: Comparing a human to a cat is like comparing Deep Blue to one of those shoes that people with clubfoot wear. / Ray: Hey, man, don't knock my I-Quizzie.
/ Ray:183 is serious times, dogg. / Chris: You belong to Mensa?
/ Ray: Oh hell no, man. I hate watchin' unshaved librarians do the limbo under some dude's cane. / Chris: That's vivid! You went to a Mensa meeting, didn't you! Admit it! / Ray: Don't ask me stuff, man! You just had a baby! Be cool! / Chris [[Off-panel]]: You went to a Mensa meeting and tried to smooth some broad with a bag of raisins in her purse!
/ Ray: Ain't you gotta talk on the phone to your mom about how the baby opened its left eye or something? / {{Alt text: Don't worry, this is not going to turn into a strip that is constantly about a baby}}
/ {{Archive title: The New Baby}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222005 |
| Commanding the Wrangler | Ray: YOU GONNA STAND THERE WITH YOUR BUTT ON THE BACK OF YOUR BODY OR ARE YOU GONNA GET IN ON THIS, BEEF? / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222006 |
| Achewood - March 22, 2007 | [[Close-up of Ray's hand holding a DVD case. The cover is titled:
/ Great, Great, (underlined) Great!
/ From the FINNISH
/ DOUBLE SUBTITLED
/ There is also a sticker with a Disabled sign and the words HOT PICK!]]
/ Ray: There! Video clerk sees you slap that down on the counter, his eyes don't even focus. All the elements are perfectly balanced to turn off curiosity. / [[Ray opens the case and shows the DVD to Pat.]]
/ Ray: ... and inside? You guessed it! Steve's Party!
/ Pat: (Genuinely impressed) Wow! / [[Ray's hand holding the DVD, which is titled
/ Steve's Party
/ STARRING STEVE, ANDY, Ron]] / Pat: All we have to do is design a couple dozen more of these, and we're in business!
/ Ray: I'm glad you agree, man! We gonna make a mint! / [[Panel caption: BY THAT EVENING.
/ A DVD case with a picture of an elderly man with a huge beard, titled "Poems from the Pewter House with Whimsington Storke" in an antique font. A sticker says UNRELEASED!]] / [[A DVD case with a logo-like silhouette of a horse, titled
/ ALL FOR THE LOVE OF BELFORAN MEWS
/ A CONSUMER'S GUIDE TO LONDON'S PREMIER EQUINE HOSTELRY
/ 1978 EDITION
/ DISCARD 1/1/79]] / {{Alt text: Steve and Andy were mad that Ron did not participate much}}
/ {{Archive title: Rampin' up the Gay Porn Biz}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03222007 |
| Achewood - March 23, 2004 | [[Roast Beef stands by a sign reading "Erotische".]]
/ Roast Beef: Ray uh this Sex Museum is a real tourist trap dogg
/ We ought to take / [[Ray points at an exhibit. A sign reads "The MAN and the LADY".]]
/ Ray: Hey, LOOK! They got old reels of "Catfish" Lavender Cavendish!
/ Roast Beef: Who is that / Ray: One of the first stars to appear in a "Lascivio-Scopic" picture show!
/ In America he's considered a historical footnote to the genre, but here in Europe they obviously have a little better perspective on things! / [[Roast Beef looks into the exhibit's viewfinder.]]
/ Roast Beef: Man look at what a gentleman he is all pulling the seat out for her and complimenting her hat
/ Ray: Oh, it don't stop there! Not with Catfish! / Roast Beef: Wow now he is taking her to a graveyard to mourn her dead mother
/ Ray: Classic Cavendish, all the way!
/ Roast Beef: Oh wow he even lied about going to get a shoeshine so that he could buy a wreath of lillies / Roast Beef: OK now he's encouraging her to get her teaching credential
/ He's using his good reputation at the bank to help her get the educational loan she needs
/ Ray: Textbook Lavender. / Roast Beef: "The End"?
/ Ray: Heh! I don't think he even proposes until Volume 8! / {{Alt text: Early erotic films bear almost no resemblance to the artless skin-shiffle of the modern day.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03232004 |
| Burning Down The Acres | [[Ray and Beef are in a jeep, driving away from the two other ones]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03232006 |
| Achewood - March 23, 2007 | {{Title: Weepy-Weep}}
/ [[Closeup on a stack of DVD cases. The top one reads "HOW TO WEEP / THE WEEPY-WEEP WAY / with Paul Castorzano." On it is a headshot of a man (presumably Paul Castorzano) weeping. In the corner is the word "ZOINKS!"]] / [[Ray and Pat stand over a table covered in DVD cases, paper, and a pair of scissors. Ray has a jeweler's loupe or eyepiece attached to his shades.]]
/ RAY: There, dogg. That's twenty-four disguised gay porn DVDs that no one would EVER notice.
/ PAT: We have to test them on actual shoppers now, to make sure no one picks them up. / [[Pat fiddles with his vest, perhaps unbuttoning it. Ray turns away and considers the DVD case in his hands.]]
/ PAT: Unfortunately, I have to attend a series of lectures in a nearby town. Can you handle this?
/ RAY (thought balloon): [italics] A nearby town?! / [[CAPTION: SOON. Ray has set up a display rack of various DVDs and stands by while Téodor browses them. Téodor reaches out to one in particular.]]
/ RAY: Alright, T. Here we got a lineup of videos. Tell me which you would choose.
/ TÉODOR: Whoah. "How to Weep the Weepy-Weep Way?" I have to know what that is. / [[The same scene, but from behind the case.]]
/ RAY: No. You actually wouldn't choose that one, because it looks crazy and stupid.
/ RAY: Try again.
/ TÉODOR: It's worth the gamble. Only a couple bucks, right? / [[Ray and Téodor begin fighting over the DVD case
/ RAY: Put it down. Put it back on the shelf. You do not choose that video. Choose either Braveheart or Top Gun.
/ TÉODOR: I'm gonna watch this video! I'll hit you with a rock, I'll do what I have to! Let GO! / {{alt text: These titles actually connect powerfully with a certain mindset.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03232007 |
| Achewood - March 23, 2007 | {{Title: Weepy-Weep}}
/ [[Closeup on a stack of DVD cases. The top one reads "HOW TO WEEP / THE WEEPY-WEEP WAY / with Paul Castorzano." On it is a headshot of a man (presumably Paul Castorzano) weeping. In the corner is the word "ZOINKS!"]] / [[Ray and Pat stand over a table covered in DVD cases, paper, and a pair of scissors. Ray has a jeweler's loupe or eyepiece attached to his shades.]]
/ RAY: There, dogg. That's twenty-four disguised gay porn DVDs that no one would EVER notice.
/ PAT: We have to test them on actual shoppers now, to make sure no one picks them up. / [[Pat fiddles with his vest, perhaps unbuttoning it or slipping a DVD inside. Ray turns away and considers the DVD case in his hands.]]
/ PAT: Unfortunately, I have to attend a series of lectures in a nearby town. Can you handle this?
/ RAY (thought balloon): [italics] A nearby town?! / [[CAPTION: SOON. Ray has set up a display rack of various DVDs and stands by while Téodor browses them. Téodor reaches out to one in particular.]]
/ RAY: Alright, T. Here we got a lineup of videos. Tell me which you would choose.
/ TÉODOR: Whoah. "How to Weep the Weepy-Weep Way?" I have to know what that is. / [[The same scene, but from behind the case.]]
/ RAY: No. You actually wouldn't choose that one, because it looks crazy and stupid.
/ RAY: Try again.
/ TÉODOR: It's worth the gamble. Only a couple bucks, right? / [[Ray and Téodor begin fighting over the DVD case.]]
/ RAY: Put it down. Put it back on the shelf. You do not choose that video. Choose either Braveheart or Top Gun.
/ TÉODOR: I'm gonna watch this video! I'll hit you with a rock, I'll do what I have to! Let GO! / {{alt text: These titles actually connect powerfully with a certain mindset.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03232007 |
| Achewood § March 23, 2009 | [[Vlad is sitting at a desk, with a tie on, smoking and speaking into an old-fashioned microphone.]]
/ Vlad: So Chris the "cartoonist" says he is takink his family to Disney the Land all week, and is no comic.
/ Vlad: I call him wolf with clover in his teeth, and then I take over the gig. Is, "coup". / Vlad: How can he be takink such time off, is makink me sick. I think this guy has a job to do, but suddenly he does not? / Vlad: Instead he is makink special trip to give EXTRA money to Mickey the Mouse?
/ Vlad: Mickey the Mouse is callink, Chris... / Vlad: He is wantink to ask how was the automatic colorful machine you sit on for six seconds after one hour in the line.
/ Vlad: Oh wait he cares not a shekel. / Vlad: Anyhow.
/ Vlad: Chris is not first man to lose his mind on diet of white wine and car payments.
/ Vlad: On to first guest! / Vlad: This dude is guy of trouble... but always for fun... here is... Todd the Squirrel! / [[Todd is standing on the top edge of an armchair.]]
/ Vlad: So Todd, I am hearink you are back in retox! How is going?
/ Todd: I b-b-been high for twenny-one days and I feel the frikkin' best I ever felt! I just wanna get this infa'mation out there! / [[Todd swivels and gets ready to spring off the chair]] / [[Todd springs off the chair]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03232009 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03232010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03232010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - March 24, 2003 - HUGS, NOT BOMBS | [[Plane in sky]] / Teodor: Open the bomb bay doors, Ray / [[Plane with Philippe flying out]] / Philippe: huuuuugs
/ [[Philippe flying out the plane]] / Ray: Hug the Fuck out of 'em Philippe! http://achewood.com/?date=03242003 |
| Achewood - March 24, 2003 | open the bomb bay doors, ray
/ huuuuugs
/ hug the fuck out of 'em philippe
/ -james kochalka http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03242003 |
| Achewood - March 24, 2003 | [[Teodor is flying a bomber.]]
/ Teodor: Open the bomb bay doors, Ray
/ [[Long shot of Philippe jumping out of the plane. Philippe falls towards the ground.}}
/ Philippe: huuuuugs
/ [[Ray looks out the bomb bay doors.]]
/ Ray: Hug the fuck out of 'em Philippe!
/ {{alt text: www.americanelf.com}}
/ {{guest strip by james kochalka}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03242003 |
| Philippe Imagines Himself Into Death | [[Waiting patiently outside the Berlin Sex Museum]]
/ [[Lie-Bot extends his arm and taps Philippe on the shoulder facing away from him.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03242004 |
| Achewood - March 24, 2005 | Teodor: Philippe! Package for you! / Philippe: It's from mom! / Philippe: [Opening Package] Oh boy! It's Walk-Around-Butt! / Philippe: I can't wait to try it out! YES! / Philippe: [Singing, wearing butt] Walk-Around Butt! When you wear it, you're a nut! / Philippe: [Still singing, wearing butt] Walk-Aroouuund... / Philippe: [Jumps] BUTT! / Philippe: See warranty for details. Not intended for children over nine. / Philippe: [On phone] Hi Mom! Thank you for Walk-Around Butt! It's perfect! / Philippe's Mom: Good, dear! Did you find the little treat I hid?
/ Philippe: [On other end] No, I did not, mom! / Philippe: [Looks in butthole] / Philippe: [Reaches inside] / Philippe: Pistachios! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03242005 |
| Achewood - March 24, 2005 | Teodor: Philippe! Package for you! / Philippe: It's from mom! / Philippe: [Opening Package] Oh boy! It's Walk-Around-Butt! / Philippe: I can't wait to try it out! YES! / Philippe: [Singing, wearing butt] Walk-Around Butt! When you wear it, you're a nut! / Philippe: [Still singing, wearing butt] Walk-Aroouuund... / Philippe: [Jumps] BUTT! / Philippe: See warranty for details. Not intended for children over nine. / Philippe: [On phone] Hi Mom! Thank you for Walk-Around Butt! It's perfect! / Philippe's Mom: Good, dear! Did you find the little treat I hid?
/ Philippe: [On other end] No, I did not, mom! / Philippe: [Looks in butthole] / Philippe: [Reaches inside] / Philippe: Pistachios! / {{ Pistachios! }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03242005 |
| Philippe's New Walk-Around Butt | Teodor: Philippe! Package for you! / Philippe: It's from mom! / Philippe: [Opening Package] Oh boy! It's Walk-Around-Butt! / Philippe: I can't wait to try it out! YES! / Philippe: [Singing, wearing butt] Walk-Around Butt! When you wear it, you're a nut! / Philippe: [Still singing, wearing butt] Walk-Aroouuund... / Philippe: [Jumps] BUTT! / Philippe: See warranty for details. Not intended for children over nine. / Philippe: [On phone] Hi Mom! Thank you for Walk-Around Butt! It's perfect! / Philippe's Mom: Good, dear! Did you find the little treat I hid?
/ Philippe: [On other end] No, I did not, mom! / Philippe: [Looks inside of Walk-Around Butt's buttcrack] / Philippe: [Reaches inside] / Philippe: Pistachios! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03242005 |
| Achewood - March 24, 2005 | [[Teodor enters carrying a package]]
/ Teodor: Philippe! Package for you! / Philippe: It's from mom! / [[Philippe opens the package]]
/ Philippe: Oh boy! It's Walk-Around-Butt! / [[An image of the present, displayed as on an advertisement: a pair of artificial buttocks on a belt.]]
/ Philippe: I can't wait to try it out! YES! / Philippe: [Singing, wearing butt] Walk-Around Butt! When you wear it, you're a nut! / Philippe: [Still singing, wearing butt] Walk-Aroouuund... / Philippe: [Jumps] BUTT! / Philippe: See warranty for details. Not intended for children over nine. / Philippe: [On phone] Hi Mom! Thank you for Walk-Around Butt! It's perfect! / Philippe's Mom: Good, dear! Did you find the little treat I hid?
/ Philippe: [On other end] No, I did not, mom! / [[Philippe holds up the butt and looks between the buttocks]] / [[Philippe reaches in between the buttocks]] / [[Philippe looks at what he has found]]
/ Philippe: [Delighted] Pistachios! / {{Alt text: Pistachios!}}
/ {{Archive title: Philippe's New Walk-Around Butt}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03242005 |
| Leaving The Acres | [[Ray and Beef get out of the jeep and into the motorcycle. The jeep is on fire]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03242006 |
| Achewood - March 24, 2008 | [[Black panel with small dot of white in center]]
/ "BEEF? ROAST BEEF? I AM A PROSTITUTE." / [[Beef, staring down at something]] / [[Beef, still staring]] / [[Beef turns toward reader]] / [[Beef turns around with expression of surprise]] / [[Beef, staring down at thing that surprised him]] / [[View of thing laying on floor, looking mostly like a dead tubular frog fetus (except it has a leg)]] / [[Zoom in on front of creature, which has a closed eye that looks like ladyparts (with clit) and a nose like a balloon knot]] / [[Zoom in on back of creature; malformed leg-thing looks like tiny arm with hand]] / [[Beef with expression of surprise]] / [[Beef, staring down at thing that surprised him]] / [[Black panel]]
/ WAIT! GOD DAMMIT. DAMMIT, GET GARY IN HERE. / [[Old-timey looking machine with "ACHEWOOD" on the side]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03242008 |
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