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| Achewood - March 25, 2002 | Woman: You didn't!
/ Cornelius: Yes, yes...I'm afraid that was one of mine. / Woman: This is so unreal! That used to be my absolute favorite book!
/ Cornelius: Do...do you think you still remember how many whales the ocean has? / [[Book cover: So Many Whales by Cornelius Bear]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03252002 |
| The Party: Day X | [[Cornelius Bear is talking with a girl bear at a party]]
/ Girl bear: You didn't!
/ Cornelius: Yes, yes... I'm afraid that was one of mine. / Girl bear: This is so unreal! That used to be my absolute favorite book!
/ Cornelius: Do... do you think you still remember how many whales the ocean has? / [[A children's book cover reads: "SO MANY WHALES by Cornelius Bear"]] / {{Alt-text: It's not funny, it's character development}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03252002 |
| Achewood - March 25, 2002 | < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03252002 |
| Achewood - March 25, 2002 | [[Cornelius and a Woman bear stand with drinks, music notes overhead.]]
/ Woman: You didn't!
/ Cornelius: Yes, yes...I'm afraid that was one of mine. / [[Close up on the two of them]]
/ Woman: This is so unreal! That used to be my absolute favorite book!
/ Cornelius: Do...do you think you still remember how many whales the ocean has? / [[Book cover: So Many Whales by Cornelius Bear]] / {{It's not funny, it's character development}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03252002 |
| Achewood - March 25, 2002 | Woman: You didn't!
/ Cornelius: Yes, yes...I'm afraid that was one of mine. / Woman: This is so unreal! That used to be my absolute favorite book!
/ Cornelius: Do...do you think you still remember how many whales the ocean has? / [[Book cover: So Many Whales by Cornelius Bear]] / {{It's not funny, it's character development}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03252002 |
| Achewood - March 25, 2002 | [[Music plays in the background.]]
/ Woman: You didn't!
/ Cornelius: Yes, yes...I'm afraid that was one of mine. / Woman: This is so unreal! That used to be my absolute favorite book!
/ Cornelius: Do...do you think you still remember how many whales the ocean has? / [[Book cover: So Many Whales by Cornelius Bear]] / {{It's not funny, it's character development}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03252002 |
| Achewood - March 25, 2003 | Todd: Whee ooh!
/ Teodor: No, you're too drunk to drive. / Teodor: Phillipe, you need to be the designated driver for Todd tonight. / Phillipe: But I don't even have my learner's permit and I maybe don't think I can fit inside Todd's van... / [[Teodor reaches into the back of Todd's van]]
/ Teodor: It's OK. Hold on. / [[Teodor holds a stick with a foot-shaped piece on the end]]
/ Teodor: Here. Take this. / Teodor: Stick this through the driver's side window and press that pedal and the van goes. Simple.
/ Todd: Uuugh / [[Phillipe walks alongside the van down the sidewalk, with the stick through the driver's side window]] / Phillipe: Todd, I need to go left! I need to go left! What do I do? / [[Phillipe and the van continue to go straight]] / {{Guest strip by K. THOR JENSEN, www.shortandhappy.com}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03252003 |
| Achewood - March 25, 2004 | LYLE: [[in a note]] Ray-- Hey loser! You wouldn't wake up so we ditched you. We'll be back late. You're an idiot, [[signed]] Lyle. / RAY: [[thinks]] Huh! I got a "me" day all alone in Berlin! / RAY: [[thinks]] Let's see how well a dude can get around without speakin' a word of German! / NARRATOR: ONE HOUR LATER / [[Ray is sipping a beverage through a straw outside the Mr. Currywurst stand]] / NARRATOR: THREE HOURS LATER / [[Ray is sipping another beverage through a straw outside the Mr. Currywurst stand; several empties stand around his feet]] / NARRATOR: FIVE HOURS LATER / [[Ray is sipping yet another beverage through a straw outside the Mr. Currywurst stand; still more empties stand around his feet. The electric "Mr. Currywurst" sign is off.]] / RAY: 'night, Karl.
/ DER MANN, DER DIE WÜRSTE VERKAUFT: Tschuss. / {{title text: Kindly refer to the May 30, 2002 strip}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03252004 |
| Achewood - March 25, 2005 | Catholic Recipes / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03252005 |
| Achewood § March 25, 2009 Ray on the Vlad Show | Vlad: So, Ray. Recently you get phone call from toughest guy in universe... who is also, surprisinkly, your father.
/ Ray: Yeah, man. He pocket-dialed me. I was still nervous, though. / Vlad: Are you callink back his number after? To make connect? / Ray: Naw, man. It... he's the kind of dude where you don't call him unless, like, some junta executioner will only NOT junta-execute you if he can get proof that you're related. / Vlad: Hmm. Perhaps you "pocket dial" him back! Is good way for men to speak without beink all sappy with the "heys" and "yeah whats". / Ray: Damn, Vlad! That... that really is the only way two actual guys can call each other on the phone without comin' over all, "I think about you".
/ Vlad (aside): We go to ad. You do not leave. / [[Title card: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK]] / Vlad: Alright, so, scenario is agreed. We argue on best way of cookink steak. Dial Ramses, put phone on desk, and is off to races.
/ Ray: You got it. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03252009 |
| Achewood - March 26, 2002 | {{Continuing on from previous strip in a series of strips about a party Téodor is holding for his friends}} / [[A classy lady-bear, replete with horn-rims and cigarette, faces Cornelius engaged in conversation, both are relaxed]] / Lady: So you're the one who wrote "So Many Whales"! I can't believe it! What else did you write?
/ Cornelius: Perhaps you remember "the Mayor of Banana Town" or the "Oscar" series? / Inset between demarcated panels: cover of "..Banana Town" book, with Babar-alike pointing at a duck in a pond; and cover of "Oscar" book, with an emo-pig arms outstretched and extremely small legs - subtitled: "...whose pants grew too small" / [[Zoom out 20% from Lady-Bear and Cornelius in similar poses, Cornelius head is slightly drooped, hand in pocket]] / Lady: You're kidding! I had those too! I loved them!
/ Cornelius: Well, I must say it's a pleasure to meet a fan of my early work. / [[Lady-Bear's cigarette hand is gone, Cornelius head is returned to eye-level, still with hand in pocket and dark drink in left hand]] / Lady: Are you still writing children's books?
/ Cornelius: After the Oscar series, my stories sort of lost focus for a while... / Inset in same style as previous: cover of book with "Janet" a picture of an insistently barking dog subtitled "The Girlfriend Who Could Only Ever Complain".
/ 2nd cover titled: "Chug-A-Lug" a picture of a boss-eyed cartoon train with a cap, subtitled "The Train Who Drank". / [[return to Lady-Bear and Cornelius, Lady-Bear has her hand on her chest and eyebrows raised in aparrent concern for Cornelius, who has placed his hand on his forehead in exasperation, embarrassment and regret at the books he has published]] / Cornelius: *SIGH* http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262002 |
| Achewood - March 26, 2002 | {{Continuing on from previous strip in a series of strips about a party Téodor is holding for his friends}} / [[A classy lady-bear, replete with horn-rims and cigarette, faces Cornelius engaged in conversation, both are relaxed]] / Lady: So you're the one who wrote "So Many Whales"! I can't believe it! What else did you write?
/ Cornelius: Perhaps you remember "the Mayor of Banana Town" or the "Oscar" series? / Inset between demarcated panels: cover of "..Banana Town" book, with Babar-alike pointing at a duck in a pond; and cover of "Oscar" book, with an emo-pig whose arms are outstretched and has extremely small legs - subtitled: "...whose pants grew too small" / [[Zoom out 20% from Lady-Bear and Cornelius in similar poses, Cornelius head is slightly drooped, hand in pocket]] / Lady: You're kidding! I had those too! I loved them!
/ Cornelius: Well, I must say it's a pleasure to meet a fan of my early work. / [[Lady-Bear's cigarette hand is gone, Cornelius head is returned to eye-level, still with hand in pocket and dark drink in left hand]] / Lady: Are you still writing children's books?
/ Cornelius: After the Oscar series, my stories sort of lost focus for a while... / Inset in same style as previous: cover of book with "Janet" a picture of an insistently barking dog subtitled "The Girlfriend Who Could Only Ever Complain".
/ 2nd cover titled: "Chug-A-Lug" a picture of a boss-eyed cartoon train with a cap, subtitled "The Train Who Drank". / [[return to Lady-Bear and Cornelius, Lady-Bear has her hand on her chest and eyebrows raised in aparrent concern for Cornelius, who has placed his hand on his forehead in exasperation, embarrassment and regret at the books he has published]] / Cornelius: *SIGH* http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262002 |
| The Party: Day XI | {{Continuing on from previous strip in a series of strips about a party Téodor is holding for his friends}} / [[A classy lady-bear, replete with horn-rims and cigarette, faces Cornelius engaged in conversation, both are relaxed]] / Lady: So you're the one who wrote "So Many Whales"! I can't believe it! What else did you write?
/ Cornelius: Perhaps you remember "the Mayor of Banana Town" or the "Oscar" series? / Inset between demarcated panels: cover of "..Banana Town" book, with Babar-alike pointing at a duck in a pond; and cover of "Oscar" book, with an emo-pig arms outstretched and extremely small legs - subtitled: "...whose pants grew too small" / [[Zoom out 20% from Lady-Bear and Cornelius in similar poses, Cornelius head is slightly drooped, hand in pocket]] / Lady: You're kidding! I had those too! I loved them!
/ Cornelius: Well, I must say it's a pleasure to meet a fan of my early work. / [[Lady-Bear's cigarette hand is gone, Cornelius head is returned to eye-level, still with hand in pocket and dark drink in left hand]] / Lady: Are you still writing children's books?
/ Cornelius: After the Oscar series, my stories sort of lost focus for a while... / Inset in same style as previous: cover of book with "Janet" a picture of an insistently barking dog subtitled "The Girlfriend Who Could Only Ever Complain".
/ 2nd cover titled: "Chug-A-Lug" a picture of a boss-eyed cartoon train with a cap, subtitled "The Train Who Drank". / [[return to Lady-Bear and Cornelius, Lady-Bear has her hand on her chest and eyebrows raised in aparrent concern for Cornelius, who has placed his hand on his forehead in exasperation, embarrassment and regret at the books he has published]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262002 |
| Achewood - March 26, 2003 | {{guest strip by SAM HENDERSON}} / [[Teodor holds an umbrella]]
/ Teodor: Allow me to introduce my new invention, the "cumbrella." / [[Teodor opens cumbrella]] / Teodor: It's for keeping the cum off you when you walk down the street! / Ray: That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen!
/ Lyle: The only reason anybody would need one is if people jerked off out the window all the time! / [[Teodor holds up a book. Ray and Lyle are shocked.]]
/ Teodor: That's why I've written a new book! / [[Teodor's book]]
/ How to Jerk Off Out the Window by Teodor http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262003 |
| Achewood - March 26, 2004 | [[Ray is standing next to a Hr. Currywurst, checking his thong and holding a cup of soda.]]
/ Ray: [thinking] Where's my...DAMN! I forgot my room key!
/ Just my luck! A nasty chill is settin' in and my North Face is all locked up in that rental apartment. / [[A view of the same scene from further away and a different angle.]]
/ Ray: [thinking] Man, I wouldn't know how to buy a coat in Germany even if I HADN'T spent all my euros on soda. / [[Close-up of Ray.]]
/ Ray: [thinking, smaller text] ...I'd probably just wind up makin' a damn fool of myself again
/ Can't even buy a Currywurst without lookin' like I got most of my calories from Bert and Ernie dolls http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262004 |
| Achewood - March 26, 2007 | [[Téodor walks home alone from Ray's place. He looks at the DVD case he's holding in his hands.]]
/ Téodor: Jesus, why was he being so weird about this video? / [[Téodor sits down on his couch and looks at the disc that he's removed from the DVD case.]]
/ Téodor: [[thinking to himself]] Whoah! "Oskar und Reiner's Schvitz Party"? How did this get in the case? / Téodor: [[thinking to himself]] I wonder what this stuff is like, anyway...I'd better watch it in my room... / Téodor: [[thinking to himself]] No. I should be confident enough in my sexuality that I can watch this in front of people. Besides, I can just tell the truth: it was in a DVD I borrowed from Ray. / [[Soon.]]
/ [[Philippe enters and surprises Téodor with his presence.]]
/ Philippe: Téodor, how do you say "potatoes"?
/ Philippe: --oh my goodness! Is this...the olympics? / [[Téodor stands up in front Philippe.]]
/ Téodor: I--No! It's Superman! He's having a really bad day! Don't look!
/ Philippe: [[looking critical]] Superman wouldn't wear a police hat in the shower! Applesauce! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262007 |
| Achewood - March 26, 2007 | [[Téodor walks home alone from Ray's place. He looks at the DVD case he's holding in his hands.]]
/ Téodor: Jesus, why was he being so weird about this video? / [[Téodor sits down on his couch and looks at the disc that he's removed from the DVD case.]]
/ Téodor: [[thinking to himself]] Whoah! "Oskar und Reiner's Schvitz Party"? How did this get in the case? / Téodor: [[thinking to himself]] I wonder what this stuff is like, anyway...I'd better watch it in my room... / Téodor: [[thinking to himself]] No. I should be confident enough in my sexuality that I can watch this in front of people. Besides, I can just tell the truth: it was in a DVD I borrowed from Ray. / [[Soon.]]
/ [[Philippe enters and surprises Téodor with his presence.]]
/ Philippe: Téodor, how do you say "potatoes"?
/ Philippe: --oh my goodness! Is this...the olympics? / [[Téodor stands up in front Philippe.]]
/ Téodor: I--No! It's Superman! He's having a really bad day! Don't look!
/ Philippe: [[looking critical]] Superman wouldn't wear a police hat in the shower! Applesauce! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262007 |
| Achewood - March 26, 2007 | [[Téodor walks home alone from Ray's place. He looks at the DVD case he's holding in his hands.]]
/ Téodor: Jesus, why was he being so weird about this video? / [[Téodor sits down on his couch and looks at the disc that he's removed from the DVD case.]]
/ Téodor: [[thinking to himself]] Whoah! "Oskar und Reiner's Schvitz Party"? How did this get in the case? / Téodor: [[thinking to himself]] I wonder what this stuff is like, anyway...I'd better watch it in my room... / Téodor: [[thinking to himself]] No. I should be confident enough in my sexuality that I can watch this in front of people. Besides, I can just tell the truth: it was in a DVD I borrowed from Ray. / [[Soon.]]
/ [[Philippe enters and surprises Téodor with his presence.]]
/ Philippe: Téodor, how do you say "potatoes"?
/ Philippe: --oh my goodness! Is this...the olympics? / [[Téodor stands up in front Philippe.]]
/ Téodor: I--No! It's Superman! He's having a really bad day! Don't look!
/ Philippe: [[looking critical]] Superman wouldn't wear a police hat in the shower! Applesauce! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262007 |
| Achewood - March 26, 2008 | Beef: Huh well look at that they got magazine ads for breast implants these days / Beef: I wonder if Molly would ever get some of these I mean that would probably rock on the whole / [[Magazine text]]
/ FULL DISCLOSURE
/ IMPORTANT FACTORS THAT YOU SHOULD CONSIDER WHEN CHOOSING BREAST IMPLANTS
/ Primary Augmentation, N=503
/ Capsular Contracture…28%
/ Infection…13.9%
/ Asymmetry…29%
/ "Kitchen Sponge" Syndrome…9.9%
/ Breasts become taco color…12%
/ Naked Hysterics in Empty Tub…8%
/ Delusion and Self-Evisceration…10.2%
/ Demise, Person…11.3% / [[Molly appears in a thought bubble]]
/ Molly: Beef? Baby? I died. I died because of your perversion. / Molly: I was someone. I had a real life. I had Christmas morning memories that filled my heart with joy.
/ Molly: I was just as much a person as you are. / Molly: And you know what? I just wanted to watch my shows on channel eight at night and have fun growing old with you. / Molly: But you needed me to have rubber boobs. Because you're a man. Because you think women are like little Mister Potato Heads that you can marry. Wel, now I'm Mrs. Potato Breasts, and I'm married to God. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03262010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - March 27, 2002 | [[Philippe is Drawing a Picture for Ultra Peanut]]
/ Philippe: Here. / Philippe: Philippe! See, that's me. / [[Philippe has written his name and a picture of himself]] / Philippe: Now it's your turn.
/ Ultra Peanut: [Kanji] / [[Ultra Peanut is drawing]] / [[Philippe is in thought about what Ultra Peanut's name really is]]
/ Philippe: Frances! What a pretty name! / [[Philippe is in thought about dinner with "Frances"]]
/ Philippe: Will you marry me, Frances? / [[Ultra Peanut hands the piece of paper back]] / [[Ultra Peanut has drawn a toilet tissue in Philippe's hand; written "wipe my ass" below] / [[Philippe is in thought about future life with "Frances" and baby]]
/ Philippe: FRANCES! Why isn't the baby breathing?! Can't you hear me? Frances! WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03272002 |
| Achewood - March 27, 2002 | [[Philippe is Drawing a Picture for Ultra Peanut]]
/ Philippe: Here. / Philippe: Philippe! See, that's me. / [[Philippe has written his name and a picture of himself]] / Philippe: Now it's your turn.
/ Ultra Peanut: [Kanji] / [[Ultra Peanut is drawing]] / [[Philippe thinks about what Ultra Peanut's name really is]]
/ Philippe: Frances! What a pretty name! / [[Philippe thinks about dinner with "Frances"]]
/ Philippe: Will you marry me, Frances? / [[Ultra Peanut hands the piece of paper back]] / [[Ultra Peanut has drawn a toilet tissue in Philippe's hand; written "wipe my ass" below] / [[Philippe thinks about future life with "Frances" and baby]]
/ Philippe: FRANCES! Why isn't the baby breathing?! Can't you hear me? Frances! WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03272002 |
| Achewood - March 27, 2003 | {{guest strip by JEFF ROWLAND}} / Lie Bot: Philippe, how would you like to play a game of checkers with me??
/ Phillippe: What's checkers?
/ Lie Bot: High five! We begin now, Phillippe! / [[Lie Bot and Phillippe playing checkers]]
/ Caption: The future
/ Lie Bot: You see, I have the advantage because I have a mega tyrannosaurus ultra king, and your pieces are ponies.
/ Phillippe: Checkers is hard!
/ Lie Bot: Roll the dice. / Lie Bot: Phillippe, you forgot you are the thumb-goon! Another penalty dance! / [[Phillippe dances]]
/ Phillippe: Is this good enough, Lie Bot?
/ Lie Bot: Phillippe, how much money is in your pocket? / [[Phillippe turns out his pockets]]
/ Phillippe: There has never been any money in my pockets ever!
/ Lie Bot: The victor is ultimately determined by cash-on-hand. Penalty cartwheels. / {{alt-text: Jeff cleans up our act}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03272003 |
| Achewood - March 27, 2007 | MEANWHILE, IN A NEARBY TOWN
/ [[Sign Reading "SUPER 8 MOTEL"]] / [[Outside shot of the Hotel]]
/ Pat: Hah! "Series of lectures." Boy did I have HIM going!
/ Pat: Alright Steve, let's Party. / [[Pat, Pulling the DVD from inside his vest]]
/ Pat:That's right, Steve. I rented the rooms on either side, just like last time. We don't have to worry about those cheap, thin walls, do we! So you go on ahead and let it out when Pat lays down the law. / [[Pat is staring in shock at the DVD]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03272007 |
| Achewood - March 27, 2007 | [["MEANWHILE, IN A NEARBY TOWN"]]
/ [[Sign Reading "SUPER 8 MOTEL"]] / [[Outside shot of the Hotel]]
/ Pat: Hah! "Series of lectures." Boy did I have HIM going!
/ Pat: Alright Steve, let's Party. / [[Pat, Pulling the DVD from inside his vest]]
/ Pat:That's right, Steve. I rented the rooms on either side, just like last time. We don't have to worry about those cheap, thin walls, do we! So you go on ahead and let it out when Pat lays down the law. / [[Pat is staring in shock at the DVD]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03272007 |
| Achewood - March 27, 2008 | Ray: I don't care what this reporter says, Andre Agassi is butt ugly!
/ Roast Beef: Calm down, dude. Switch to the next article or something / Ray: Oh, you're right I'm just settin' myself up for failure readin' this same one over and over again / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03272008 |
| Achewood § March 27, 2009 | Vlad: So, Pat, tell me how it is goink since last we speak. Rod is good? You are finally choosink new wallpaper for half-bath in the front hall? / Pat: Yes, yes. Thank you. Rod is good. Lately we've been doing a lot of puzzles, actually. It's become kind of an obsession. / Pat: In fact, I've even begun designing my own socially responsible word puzzles. This one is called, Word UP!
/ Vlad: Word up? / Pat: Hopefully by naming it that and packaging it like a hip-hop CD, I'll trick at least a few of those aisle-panting Wal-Mart goiter-teens into making their moms buy it for them. / Pat: Here, get the cameras on this. / [[Pat's puzzle card:
/ Word UP! © P. Reynolds
/ The second part of the previous answer is the first part of the second clue! / 1. CHERRYSTONE ____________
/ 2. ____________ ↙ ____________
/ 3. ____________ ↙ ____________
/ 4. ____________ ↙ ____________
/ 5. ____________ ↙ ____________
/ 6. ____________ ↙ ____________
/ 7. ____________ ↙ FOREVER / 1. Type of shellfish.
/ 2. Fatty soup.
/ 3. Bostonian.
/ 4. School overseer.
/ 5. EG, any Maupin title.
/ 6. Detective's job.
/ 7. "Rickroll B-Roll".]] / Pat: Think you can solve it?
/ Vlad: I solve this puzzle in first instant of retinal registration. Is wrong for target audience. I think you make lame puzzle first then look for shortest road to pedestal and cash register. / Pat: Why, you arrogant bastard! You have NO business criticizing this work! I'd like to see you even TRY to make something like this!
/ Vlad: Okay. Here you go. / Vlad: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03272009 |
| Achewood - March 28, 2002 | Ray: Whoah, Todd! What the hell?
/ [[Stink rises from Todd as he laughs.]] / Ray: Let's go check out the dance floor, fellows.
/ Pat: Dig.
/ [[Todd continues to laugh]] / [[Todd continues to laugh]] / [[On the dance floor. Music plays.]]
/ Ray: One...two...three... / [[Ray, Roast Beef, and Pat begin dancing.]] / [[They stop dancing.]]
/ Ray: Whoah, whoah. Hold on. I can still smell it. / {{Alt text: Has anyone seen Lyle? He claimed to want a lot to drink}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03282002 |
| Achewood - March 28, 2003 Guest Artist: John Allison | [[Los Angeles, California, 1971]] / [[A sign says "Beach Boys Recording Session]]
/ I can't believe I won the competition to meet the Beach Boys. They're my favourite band in the whole world. / Well hello there Philippe. I'm Mike Love, world famous lead singer of the Beach Boys. Would you like to meet the rest of the band?
/ Wow yes please I mean, if I could! / Boo badda boo boo ba ba
/ Ooo b-doobie wop
/ Carl, Al and big brother Brian are practising their harmonies. All sounding nice!
/ Arp / I'm gonna eat some vegetables and go out surfin all day, then maybe get my jingle on, man smoking drugs is A-OK
/ ooooo-k-a-a-a-y
/ Now where could Dennis be? / [[A hand-written sign on the door says "Charlie's room keep out piggies"]]
/ Hmm... / [[The word's HELTER SKELTER are carved in the door]]
/ Aaaiiiiie!
/ Come on Dennis if we don't pop your eyes out, how you gonna see the truth? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03282003 |
| Achewood - March 28, 2003 Guest Artist: John Allison | {{Guest strip by John Allison}} / [[Title: Los Angeles, California, 1971]] / [[Sign on the wall: "Beach Boys Recording Session" and an arrow in the direction Philippe is walking.]]
/ Philippe: I can't believe I won the competition to meet the Beach Boys. They're my favourite band in the whole world. / Pat (dressed as Mike Love): Well hello there Philippe. I'm Mike Love, world famous lead singer of the Beach Boys. Would you like to meet the rest of the band?
/ Philippe: Wow yes please I mean, if I could! / [[Teodor (dressed as Carl Wilson), Roast Beef (dressed as Al Jardine), and Cornelius (dressed as Brian Wilson) stand in front of a piano singing while Philippe watches.]]
/ Teodor: Boo badda boo boo ba ba
/ Roast Beef: Ooo b-doobie wop
/ Philippe: Carl, Al and big brother Brian are practising their harmonies. All sounding nice!
/ Cornelius: Arp / Pat: I'm gonna eat some vegetables and go out surfin all day, then maybe get my jingle on, man smoking drugs is A-OK
/ Teodor, Roast Beef, and Cornelius: ooooo-k-a-a-a-y
/ Philippe: Now where could Dennis be? / [[A hand-written sign on the door says "Charlie's room keep out piggies".]]
/ Philippe: Hmm... / [[Philippe opens the door, and the words HELTER SKELTER are carved into the other side of the door. Ray, dressed as Dennis Wilson, is lying on the floor apparently unconscious, covered in what appears to be vomit, with a pipe on the floor next to him. Lie Bot, dressed as Charles Manson, leans over his prone form brandishing a knife.]]
/ Philippe: Aaaiiiiie!
/ Lie Bot: Come on Dennis if we don't pop your eyes out, how you gonna see the truth? / [[Bottom text: By John Allison scarygoround.com]] / {{Alt-text: yeeep!}}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03282003 |
| Achewood - March 28, 2004 | [[Ray is shivering]]
/ Ray (thinking): Everybody else was studyin' the German phrasebook on the plane . . . / Ray (thinking): But NOOOOO, not Ray! Ray spent the whole time lookin' at the damn SkyMall catalog! / [[ Ray has an idea! ]] / [[ He goes to a Der Spiegel newspaper rack and starts folding papers. ]]
/ << Tear, rip, tear, krinkle >> / [[ He is resplendent in a suit made of newspapers. ]]
/ Ray: Heh! I'm like the Donald Trump of homeless people!
/ << Krinkle, krink >> / Ray: Other homeless people, you're Fired! Heh heh!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03282004 |
| Uncle George's | [[Ray and Roast Beef are speeding away from the Great Outdoor Fight grounds on their motorcycle, having burned it to the ground]] / Ray: Beef! BEEF! We...I never got to talk with my dad! / Roast Beef: Conditions did not favor it no / Ray: Still, man! How am I ever gonna find him again? / Roast Beef: Ramses Luther seems more like a he-finds-you type of dude / Ray: I...yeah. You think he's 'a be pissed at me for not doin' things his way? / Roast Beef: Come on Ray the guy broke all the Fight rules his first time around
/ Roast Beef: All standin' with no army and bustin' non-traditional moves / Roast Beef: Now he sees his boy breakin' rules that ain't even written and makin' his own besides
/ Roast Beef: Got to stir a familiar nerve in his old neck / Ray: Damn. That is a thing, isn't it? / Roast Beef: That is completely a thing
/ Roast Beef: Our every move is the new tradition / Ray: What should we do, man? This is the time / [[Outside of a strip mall. On the left is the Kronos Cafe, a Greek restaurant. On the window the word "GREEK" is embossed on the glass, with signs hanging below stating "Is Dolmads", "Is Wrapps", "Is Gyros", and "Is Lotto". Next door is "ABC Liquors"]] / Roast Beef: Eat ten pounds of lamb at Kronos Cafe over in Wasco
/ Roast Beef: My uncle George runs it / Ray: Daaamn! A proper winner's feast! You think he'll close the place just for us?
/ Roast Beef: Even when open Uncle George's cafe is essentially closed / Caption: SOON
/ Uncle George: Why, I no' believe it! Ar'rosto Beef! You come an' see me! An'a you bring some guy! / Roast Beef: Hi Uncle George this is my friend Ray
/ Uncle George: Ray, Ray...you'a the rich boy, or you'a the jerk?
/ Ray: I'm the rich guy! / Uncle George: Good, good. I no'a like'a the jerks. When I am younger, sure, ok, but not so much now.
/ Uncle George: Maybe I change, maybe they change. Who knows? / Roast Beef: We lookin' to do a bang-up feast Uncle George we ain't eaten well in some days / Uncle George: Good good! I call, I get us a pizza. I know some guy. He have also this, "crazy sticks"? But they are bread.
/ Roast Beef: We're getting food delivered to your restaurant ? / Uncle George: Business get real bad, Beef. I stop ordering the stuff. For what?
/ Uncle George: I mostly come to the cafe so you Aunt Nina can be alone. / Roast Beef whispering to Ray: Gosh uh Ray I didn't know he was in the straits I mean maybe we should bolt-- / Ray: Call your guy, George, and hand me the phone. We gonna get this done.
/ Ray: Beef, I hid nine grand under the Fight-Tite Elastoband in my hat. Get us a spread from next door. / {{alt text: When Uncle George was younger, he used to like jerks, but jerks are different these days.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03282006 |
| Uncle George's | [[Ray and Roast Beef are speeding away from the Great Outdoor Fight grounds on their motorcycle, having burned it to the ground]] / Ray: Beef! BEEF! We...I never got to talk with my dad! / Roast Beef: Conditions did not favor it no / Ray: Still, man! How am I ever gonna find him again? / Roast Beef: Ramses Luther seems more like a he-finds-you type of dude / Ray: I...yeah. You think he's 'a be pissed at me for not doin' things his way? / Roast Beef: Come on Ray the guy broke all the Fight rules his first time around
/ Roast Beef: All standin' with no army and bustin' non-traditional moves / Roast Beef: Now he sees his boy breakin' rules that ain't even written and makin' his own besides
/ Roast Beef: Got to stir a familiar nerve in his old neck / Ray: Damn. That is a thing, isn't it? / Roast Beef: That is completely a thing
/ Roast Beef: Our every move is the new tradition / Ray: What should we do, man? This is the time / [[Outside of a strip mall. On the left is the Kronos Cafe, a Greek restaurant. On the window the word "GREEK" is embossed on the glass, with signs hanging below stating "Is Dolmads", "Is Wrapps", "Is Gyros", and "Is Lotto". Next door is "ABC Liquors"]] / Roast Beef: Eat ten pounds of lamb at Kronos Cafe over in Wasco
/ Roast Beef: My uncle George runs it / Ray: Daaamn! A proper winner's feast! You think he'll close the place just for us?
/ Roast Beef: Even when open Uncle George's cafe is essentially closed / Caption: SOON
/ Uncle George: Why, I no' believe it! Ar'rosto Beef! You come an' see me! An'a you bring some guy! / Roast Beef: Hi Uncle George this is my friend Ray
/ Uncle George: Ray, Ray...you'a the rich boy, or you'a the jerk?
/ Ray: I'm the rich guy! / Uncle George: Good, good. I no'a like'a the jerks. When I am younger, sure, ok, but not so much now.
/ Uncle George: Maybe I change, maybe they change. Who knows? / Roast Beef: We lookin' to do a bang-up feast Uncle George we ain't eaten well in some days / Uncle George: Good good! I call, I get us a pizza. I know some guy. He have also this, "crazy sticks"? But they are bread.
/ Roast Beef: We're getting food delivered to your restaurant ? / Uncle George: Business get real bad, Beef. I stop ordering the stuff. For what?
/ Uncle George: I mostly come to the cafe so you Aunt Nina can be alone. / Roast Beef whispering to Ray: Gosh uh Ray I didn't know he was in the straits I mean maybe we should bolt-- / Ray: Call your guy, George, and hand me the phone. We gonna get this done.
/ Ray: Beef, I hid nine grand under the Fight-Tite Elastoband in my hat. Get us a spread from next door. / {{alt text: When Uncle George was younger, he used to like jerks, but jerks are different these days.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03282006 |
| Achewood - March 28, 2007 | [[Ray sitting on couch watching gay porn, Roast Beef standing behind couch looking visibly shaken]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh my god dude what are you doing sitting around watching gay porn like it was just a basic day! / [[Ray turns head to look at Roast Beef]]
/ Ray: Huh? Oh, hey Beef.
/ Ray: I lost my copy of Braveheart, so I'm seein' if Steve's Party does anything for me. / [[Focus on Roast beef only]]
/ Roast Beef: Man ain't you worried at what people would say if they ran in here and saw / [[Close up of Ray facing tv, sitting on couch, with Roast standing behind couch]]
/ Ray: You know me, dude. I'm straighter than John Wayne voting for Reagan on a horse.
/ Ray: Somebody says I'm gay, I'll just sit here bein' straight, and they'll be wrong. / [[Still sitting on couch, Ray turn look at Roast beef]]
/ Ray: Sit down and watch for a spell, Beef.
/ Ray: This don't make you gay any more than watchin' NASCAR makes you a good driver. / [["Soon.", Close up of Ray and Roast Beef watching gay porn, both sitting on adjacent couches]]
/ Roast Beef: Huh this is weird they both look like they might go build a building at any minute but then one of them starts doing the lady's role
/ Ray: It's like watchin' the moonwalk, you know? At first it seems all crazy and wrong, but then It's like, "at least SOMEBODY'S havin' fun!" http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03282007 |
| Achewood - March 28, 2008 | Roast Beef: What you watchin' T / Téodor: Some documentary on Laika, that dog the Russians shot into space.
/ Téodor: I wonder what was going through her head. / Roast Beef: Probably something like OH MAN I THOUGHT WE WERE BEST FRIENDS I MEAN WHAT IN THE HELL MAN WHY I GOT TO GET IN THE MISSILE
/ Téodor: That's harsh. Why didn't they just launch a stuffed dog instead? They didn't learn anything. / Roast Beef: Hm little plaque on its base all THIS HOUSEWARMING GIFT IS FROM THE PEOPLE OF PLANET EARTH. IT IS A "DEAD DOG." / Téodor: If you think about it even medium-hard, launching a scared little dog into outer space with no intention of getting it back is a seriously fucked thing to do. / Roast Beef: Dude this was in an age when we still believed that the Chinese were clay goblins who could speak with the sand
/ Roast Beef: Strappin' that dog to the INSIDE was probably more of an aerodynamic than an ethical concern http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03282008 |
| Achewood - March 29, 2002 | [[VLAD and ANDY are standing in the doorway; LIE BOT is greeting them, hands outstretched.]] / VLAD: Hey hey!
/ LIE BOT: Vlad! Andy! Glad you guys could make it! / ANDY: Lie Bot. Guess who we brought.
/ LIE BOT: Who? / VLAD: Chuckelbot!
/ LIE BOT: No way! Chucklebot's here? / [[CHUCKLEBOT, a rotund robot with a vapidly grinning face, appears in the doorway]] / LIE BOT: Chucklebot 21,000! Man, it's been a while!
/ CHUCKLEBOT: SINCE I MADE YOU CHUCKLE THAT IS http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03292002 |
| Achewood - March 29, 2002 | [[VLAD and ANDY are standing in the doorway; LIE BOT is greeting them, hands outstretched.]] / VLAD: Hey hey!
/ LIE BOT: Vlad! Andy! Glad you guys could make it! / ANDY: Lie Bot. Guess who we brought.
/ LIE BOT: Who? / VLAD: Chuckelbot!
/ LIE BOT: No way! Chucklebot's here? / [[CHUCKLEBOT, a rotund robot with a vapidly grinning face, appears in the doorway]] / LIE BOT: Chucklebot 21,000! Man, it's been a while!
/ CHUCKLEBOT: SINCE I MADE YOU CHUCKLE THAT IS / {{title: CHUCKLE BOT}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03292002 |
| Achewood - March 29, 2002 | [[VLAD and ANDY are standing in the doorway; LIE BOT is greeting them, hands outstretched.]] / VLAD: Hey hey!
/ LIE BOT: Vlad! Andy! Glad you guys could make it! / ANDY: Lie Bot. Guess who we brought.
/ LIE BOT: Who? / VLAD: Chucklebot!
/ LIE BOT: No way! Chucklebot's here? / [[CHUCKLEBOT, a rotund robot with a vapidly grinning face, appears in the doorway]] / LIE BOT: Chucklebot 21,000! Man, it's been a while!
/ CHUCKLEBOT: SINCE I MADE YOU CHUCKLE THAT IS / {{CHUCKLE BOT}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03292002 |
| Achewood - March 29, 2002 | [[VLAD and ANDY are standing in the doorway; LIE BOT is greeting them, hands outstretched.]]
/ VLAD: Hey hey!
/ LIE BOT: Vlad! Andy! Glad you guys could make it! / ANDY: Lie Bot. Guess who we brought.
/ LIE BOT: Who? / VLAD: Chuckelbot!
/ LIE BOT: No way! Chucklebot's here? / [[CHUCKLEBOT, a rotund robot with a vapidly grinning face, appears in the doorway]]
/ LIE BOT: Chucklebot 21,000! Man, it's been a while!
/ CHUCKLEBOT: SINCE I MADE YOU CHUCKLE THAT IS http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03292002 |
| Achewood - March 29, 2002 | [[VLAD and ANDY are standing in the doorway; LIE BOT is greeting them, hands outstretched.]] / VLAD: Hey hey!
/ LIE BOT: Vlad! Andy! Glad you guys could make it! / ANDY: Lie Bot. Guess who we brought.
/ LIE BOT: Who? / VLAD: Chuckelbot!
/ LIE BOT: No way! Chucklebot's here? / [[CHUCKLEBOT, a rotund robot with a vapidly grinning face, appears in the doorway]]
/ LIE BOT: Chucklebot 21,000! Man, it's been a while!
/ CHUCKLEBOT: SINCE I MADE YOU CHUCKLE THAT IS / {{CHUCKLE BOT}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03292002 |
| Achewood - March 29, 2005 | [[Lyle and Ray sit at a table, on which sits a device that looks like a printer]]
/ [[Lyle has a bottle of liquor in his hand, and Ray is clutching a martini.]] / Ray: Check it out, Lyle! I just got one of those machines that automatically folds a letter into perfect thirds! / Lyle: Huh? / Ray: For mailing! So you ain't gotta judge and guesstimate! / Ray: My whole life I always been a little stressed come time to get the letter to fit the right size into an envelope. I blow it about almost a tenth of the time. / [[Ray inserts paper into machine, and machine begins to whir.]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03292005 |
| Achewood - March 29, 2007 | [[Téodor walks in the room where Ray and Beef are watching the Gay Porn]]
/ Téodor: Hey guys! Guess who just got... / [[Téodor stands in sing song]]
/ Téodor: yelllled / [[Téodor remains in sing song, leaning the other way]]
/ Téodor: aaat! / [[Téodor moves closer and notices what they're watching]]
/ Téodor: Whoah! Why are you sitting around watching gay porn?
/ Ray: It's weird, you know. It's like, at any minute they might stop and go, "just kidding!" and go get some chicks. / [[Close up on beef as he watches]]
/ Roast Beef: They haven't done that for the last half hour though so if these guys are kidding they are like Andy Kaufman good / [[General view of the three of them watching]]
/ Ray: Or, like, Rambo might bust through the apartment wall and yell, "CUT IT OUT!"
/ Roast Beef: CUT IT OUT YOU TWO DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A WAR ON! / [[Ray turns his head to look at beef while they watch, surprised]]
/ Ray: Kind of like the Kool Aid Man, you know? Only, instead of delighting a room full of thirsty kids, he has a gun and he's extremely angry at two naked men.
/ Roast Beef: Man if every gay porn had a celebrity bust through the wall you could sell to both gay AND straight markets
/ Ray: Dude! That's IT! That's our ANGLE! Forget about the disguised cases! / {{Alt Text= Rambo makes a wisecrack about Steve being hung like Saddam Hussein}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03292007 |
| Achewood - March 30, 2004 | [[Ray and a homeless German are behind Garbage bags]] / Ray: Whew! Thanks for all the fingernail schnapps Rudy! Or whatever that was!
/ Rudy: Ciao Ray / [[Ray is shown standing in the street wearing his Newspaper suit]] / Ray: Damn, that was some potent stuff! I am LUCID! / [[ An idea light bulbs illuminates above Ray's head]] / [[ Ray sits on the sidewalk with a piece of paper]] / Ray: It's....it's like I'm channeling Einstein! I'm....I'm writing the diagram that's gonna save the world! / [[Shows Ray's diagram which happens to be 2 Golf Putting set ball returners opposed to each other, forming a perpetual motion machine. Special attention should be paid to the fact that "This must be how Matt Damon feels when he approaches a blank sheet of paper]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03302004 |
| Achewood - March 30, 2006 | roast beef - alright here i'll get the gate / rb - oh boy / teodor - oh no way! BEEF! you were the Best Mate? AWESOME! / philippe - Hi Roast Beef! Hi Ray! Good job! Welcome home! Do you remember me? I'm Philippe! / Vlad - Teodor sits at computer so long, he is gettink yeast infection! Ha Ha! Is mainly a thing of chicks!
/ Lyle - FUCK MAN! YOU GUYS ROCK! / Ray - Where's most of your hair Vlad?
/ Vlad - Is in honor of you, dog! The Taxi Driver! Toughest haircut possible! / RB- Well it sounds real mild you might try Gyne-Lotrimin / Mr. Bear - What's next for Son of Rodney and his trusty sidekick? Talk shows? A line of vanity soups?
/ Ray - I wouldn't mind doin' a little signature panini press, but Beef would never sign off. / emeril - of the many speculations i have encountered I favor thos which would place you on the Ruling Body of the Great Outdoor Fight / Emeril - on-line and in the cafe's you are regarded as the Fight's foremost thinker and perhaps the architect of its future. / RB - Oh hell I ain't expect anything but if someone does come calllin' I may hear them out.
/ Emeril - How were the Tenmen http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03302006 |
| Great Outdoor Fight - Final Strip | [[Roast Beef and Ray arrive in sidecar motorcyle to a gate]]
/ roast beef - alright here i'll get the gate / rb - oh boy / teodor - oh no way! BEEF! you were the Best Mate? AWESOME! / philippe - Hi Roast Beef! Hi Ray! Good job! Welcome home! Do you remember me? I'm Philippe! / Vlad - Teodor sits at computer so long, he is gettink yeast infection! Ha Ha! Is mainly a thing of chicks!
/ Lyle - FUCK MAN! YOU GUYS ROCK! / Ray - Where's most of your hair Vlad?
/ Vlad - Is in honor of you, dog! The Taxi Driver! Toughest haircut possible! / RB- Well it sounds real mild you might try Gyne-Lotrimin / Mr. Bear - What's next for Son of Rodney and his trusty sidekick? Talk shows? A line of vanity soups?
/ Ray - I wouldn't mind doin' a little signature panini press, but Beef would never sign off. / emeril - of the many speculations i have encountered I favor those which would place you on the Ruling Body of the Great Outdoor Fight / Emeril - on-line and in the cafe's you are regarded as the Fight's foremost thinker and perhaps the architect of its future. / RB - Oh hell I ain't expect anything but if someone does come calllin' I may hear them out.
/ Emeril - How were the Tenmen / Alt-text="I cut out seventeen panels of Vlad saying, You talkin to me? You talkin to me http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03302006 |
| Achewood - March 30, 2007 | [[Ray, Téodor and Roast Beef are sitting around in the living room]]
/ Ray: Alright, dudes! What celebrities we gonna have crashin' through the wall of our gay porn set?
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh Gary Sinise definitely That guy is ice / Ray: Gary Sinise? Who's that?
/ Roast Beef: He's that dude from Forrest Gump who didn't have no legs
/ Ray: You want a guy in a wheelchair crashin' through a wall, Beef? / Roast Beef: He ain't in a wheelchair for real man that was all CGI and stuff
/ Ray: I don't want some nobody in a CGI wheelchair. That ain't got juice, that's just a waste of money. / Ray: Think! Who's hot right now...Ellen. Many of the Yankees. That American Idol judge who came from England...that's it! Him! Simon Le Cowell!
/ Téodor: It's just Cowell. / Roast Beef: Oh dude right he could totally come in and bag on their performance
/ Ray: [[Imitating Simon Cowell]] "Steve, yew moan loyk a wingeing spinsta'. And Ron, t'tell yew the trewth, I was bored from the moment I saw yew."
/ Téodor: [[muttering with a confused look]] Huh! / Titling: Then.
/ [[Ray is making a phone call]]
/ Ray: Yeah, operator? Get me American Idol television program at Fox TV company in probably Los Angeles or New York./ Have them put me through to Simon Le Cowell. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03302007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03302010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03302010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - March 31, 2003 | {{guest strip by DREW WEING}} / Roast Beef: Well uh it's kind of small
/ Roast Beef: For a logo I mean
/ Philippe: It is a perfect... logo! / [[Movie studio]]
/ Director: Cut! That's a wrap, people!
/ Ray: I'll be in my trailer.
/ Philippe: Good job, everyone! / Philippe's mom: I was assured by the producers that my Philippe would star in at least two strips a week! He only had one line today! / Philippe: I don't mind! Everybody should get a turn!
/ Philippe's mom: Forget those no-talent hacks! We've got to rake in the dough while you're still cute! What are we going to live on when you hit puberty and the agents stop calling? / Philippe: But, mother! Without the contribution of the entire cast, Achewood wouldn't be the unique blend of humor and camaraderie that we all know and love! / Philippe: Please mommy I'm sorry for being disrespectful please not the BUCKLE MOMMY NOT THE BUCKLE! / {{alt-text: dang}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03312003 |
| Achewood - March 31, 2003 | {{guest strip by DREW WEING}} / Roast Beef: Well uh it's kind of small
/ Roast Beef: For a logo I mean
/ Philippe: It is a perfect... logo! / [[Movie studio]]
/ Director: Cut! That's a wrap, people!
/ Ray: I'll be in my trailer.
/ Philippe: Good job, everyone! / Philippe's mom: I was assured by the producers that my Philippe would star in at least two strips a week! He only had one line today! / Philippe: I don't mind! Everybody should get a turn!
/ Philippe's mom: Forget those no-talent hacks! We've got to rake in the dough while you're still cute! What are we going to live on when you hit puberty and the agents stop calling? / Philippe: But, mother! Without the contribution of the entire cast, Achewood wouldn't be the unique blend of humor and camaraderie that we all know and love! / Philippe: Please mommy I'm sorry for being disrespectful please not the BUCKLE MOMMY NOT THE BUCKLE! / {{alt-text: dang}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03312003 |
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