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| Philippe in the Blackness | {{The entire strip is shown in reverse color i.e. white on black}} / [[Philippe is in darkness, terrified, and whipping his head back and forth in a vain attempt to discern his surroundings.]]
/ Philippe: Can you please please PLEASE turn the lights on?! I'm scared of the dark! / [[Two disturbing figures are in the darkness, one in a wheelchair, the other quite tall.]]
/ Wheelchair occupant: I'm afraid there are no lights here young one
/ We are blind / Philippe: I'm sorry! Please don't be mad! I didn't know! / Wheelchair occupant: Now why was a little boy like you sleeping all alone in the cold so close to the marshes / [[Philippe is holding a blanket and sitting on a mattress.]]
/ Philippe: I have to get to the transfer station! I have to...I have to find my friend! / Wheelchair occupant: Someone so young shouldn't go to the transfer station
/ In fact no-one should go to the transfer station at all if they can help it
/ Philippe: H-How come? / Wheelchair occupant: It's the last place they look for work when no one else will have them
/ Philippe: Who's they?
/ Wheelchair occupant: The junkies and the huffers and the winos and the bums / Wheelchair occupant: The transfer station takes them all through its doors
/ And when they can work no more they fall in among the trash and become it and are gone / Wheelchair occupant: That is why little boys should not go to the transfer station
/ Now you stay tucked in 'til morning and then you find your way home / Wheelchair occupant: We have to go collecting now
/ Philippe: W-What do you collect? / [[The dark figures disappear.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04132006 |
| Friday Facts - Ray Came Over | The Phillippe Times. Vol 9 No. 3
/ A computer is a box where decisions are made
/ Friday Facts!
/ by Philippe, editor in chief!
/ [[Picture of Philippe looking worried]]
/ Caption: I saw a rodent
/ DID YOU KNOW...
/ According to Roast Beef, bad breath is caused when "chemicals in your mouth just let it all hang loose."
/ I think Lyle is getting a real estate license! He is talking on the phone about "the curtains matching the carpet." Good for him.
/ I promised to write down the first thing Ray said when he came over:
/ WARNING: CUSSES AHEAD!
/ Okay, he walked in the front door and said, "Well HELL and GOD DAMN does it smell good in here! Who's the FANCY MOTHERF***ER cookin' up them tasty smells?" (Téodor was cooking his famous risotto, and bowed).
/ END OF CUSSES
/ Introducing... Kid Cusses! Kids, these are cusses you can say without getting into the hard stuff:
/ "Aw, peanutbeans!" (general cuss)
/ "Lester has the onions." (body odor)
/ "She's so pretty, a dog barks!" (if you see a really pretty lady)
/ "Frederick is being a real tush head."
/ Chris says that someone named Don Imus is, "...like Andy Rooney, only senile, old, and grouchy." Whatever.
/ Chris just got yelled at because he thought that ponies grew up to be regular horses. How can that guy be a dad?! Get out of here, Chris. (just kidding)
/ [[Picture of a pony and a horse]]
/ Caption: Pony.
/ Caption: Horse (duh).
/ Ray's newest Cadillac Escalade has a trash compactor.
/ TOM CRUISE hasn't done anything lately, so no one has to be tired of him.
/ Every time Ray burps, "an angel gets a plantar wart," or so he says. He has had some wine.
/ Ray is going to invent a town in Arizona called "Clue Hat." He's serious about this (although he IS laughing a lot).
/ Téodor says he will open a competing town called "Miracle Slice, Tennessee."
/ Lyle left, and they started to make fun of him. Roast Beef said, "He's the sort of man who poops with the door open at Thanksgiving." Too true!
/ BTW, Roast Beef had to get a new "AIM handle" because he forgot his password! Now he's... _end_of_times_wigger_
/ What's a Canadian? He's like an American, but he doesn't use a lot of dangerous adjectives. (Thanks, L.B.)
/ [[italicized text under break line]]
/ Well piss down a peppermint cane if we ain't all done up on grapesauce. I am layin' this sucker out in a hurry 'cause tonight is fun and this don't matter. - Roast Beef, PT Quality Manager / {alt-text: Not sure what the barking dog slang is a substitute for.} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04132007 |
| Peter, Paul, and Mary | [[Téodor is sitting down with his eyes closed, listening to Puff the Magic Dragon on a radio/cassette player]]
/ Radio: - PUFF, THE MAGIC DRAGON LIVED BY THE SEA - / Radio: - AND FROLICKED IN THE AUTUMN MIST - / Radio: - IN A LAND CALLED HONAH LEE! - / [[Lyle enters]
/ Lyle: Ahhh... the story of a kid leavin' the magic of childhood behind and growin' up.
/ Téodor: Exactly. / Lyle: You ever hear the B-side? / Téodor: There's a B-side? / Lyle: Yeah, it's called... / [[Lyle spin-kicks Téodor]]
/ Lyle: WELCOME TO YOUR THIRTIES! / Lyle: That's just a watered-down ringtone-style clip. Lemme know if you ever wanna hear the rest - I'll get some hammers and meet you in the backyard. Don't forget to bring your dreams. / {{Lyle is not happy about that his life sucked.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04132009 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04132012">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04132012 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - April 14, 2003 | Ray: Check it out, Téodor! I bought some old-fashioned porno on eBay! Ain't it neat? / Téodor: This is an original daguerreotype, Ray! How much did you pay for it?!
/ Ray: Like $5.99! I was the only bidder! / Téodor: We've got to get this on Antiques Roadshow! This is incredible! / {{SOON}}
/ Appraiser: Mr. Smuckles, what you have here is an absolutely fabulous example of early photographic erotica.
/ Ray: Thank you. That is always nice to hear. / Appraiser: That it bears an 1839 stamp from teh Carl Dauthendey Studio may well prove it to be the first piece of photographic erotica ever produced.
/ Appraiser: Have you any idea as to its value? Any idea at all? / Ray: Well, I figure that since the lady is about to get spanked it might be worth more to certain-
/ Appraiser: Mr. Smuckles, I estimate that at auction this piece would fetch over six hundred million dollars. / {{alt-text: I cried when an egg cup got $55}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04142003 |
| Achewood - April 14, 2003 | Ray: Check it out, Téodor! I bought some old-fashioned porno on eBay! Ain't it neat? / Téodor: This is an original daguerreotype, Ray! How much did you pay for it?!
/ Ray: Like $5.99! I was the only bidder! / Téodor: We've got to get this on Antiques Roadshow! This is incredible! / {{SOON}}
/ Appraiser: Mr. Smuckles, what you have here is an absolutely fabulous example of early photographic erotica.
/ Ray: Thank you. That is always nice to hear. / Appraiser: That it bears an 1839 stamp from thh Carl Dauthendey Studio may well prove it to be the first piece of photographic erotica ever produced.
/ Appraiser: Have you any idea as to its value? Any idea at all? / Ray: Well, I figure that since the lady is about to get spanked it might be worth more to certain-
/ Appraiser: Mr. Smuckles, I estimate that at auction this piece would fetch over six hundred million dollars. / {{alt-text: I cried when an egg cup got $55}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04142003 |
| Achewood - April 14, 2004 | [[ On the street in Berlin, Ray is found on a typewriter typing his novel ideas in his newspaper suit]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04142004 |
| Achewood - April 14, 2004 | [[ On the street in Berlin, Ray is found on a typewriter typing his novel ideas in his newspaper suit]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04142004 |
| Achewood - April 14, 2005 | [[While Ray enjoys a cocktail, he speaks on the telephone to Little Nephew, who is impersonating a drug dealer called Japan Man]] / Ray: Heyo! Ray Smuckles here! Who's callin'? / Little Nephew: This Japan Man. I see you not stop you joint company.
/ Little Nephew: You make big mistake, Ray Smuckel. / Ray: Oh, hey JM! Listen, I wanted to talk to you about that photo you took of me on the can. / Little Nephew: I sneak in you house take photo.
/ Little Nephew: Impossible hide from me. / Ray: I'm talkin' about your choice of setting. / Ray: I did several other photographable things that day, including rinse off grapes and look at a book I have. / Ray: Why you chose to watch me during toilet time says a lot about you! / [[From here until the end Little Nephew/Japan Man is not seen on panel]]
/ Little Nephew: You sit there two hour. Japan man not have all day wait around hope you get up wash grapes.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04142005 |
| Forgot to tuck in Philippe | [[Teodor is standing behind Ray, who is sitting on the couch.]]
/ Teodor: Dude, what time is it? / Ray: It's five AM, chochacho! You ready to gruzzle down some cheese omelettes, or you want to watch Braveheart again first? / Teodor: Oh, crap. I was supposed to tuck Philippe in tonight. I'm the only one at the house right now.
/ Uh oh. This is bad. / Ray: Duuuude! Philippe is fine! He probably just fell asleep exactly wherever he was standing at 8:30! / Teodor: I wish. If someone doesn't tuck him in and read him a few chapters of Rock Star Soccer Robot 9, he won't go to sleep.
/ He's probably in the garage chugging out of a big glowing bottle marked "POISON." / Ray: Alright! Choice is yours. Totally asleep alive kid, or fontina omelettes with a hundred dollar bill put next to the plate at a forty-five degree angle.
/ Let me know. / [[Philippe is shown in darkness, walking through the wilderness.]] / [[Philippe hides behind a rock and watches two people enter an opening in a tall fence.]] / [[The fence has a sign near it that reads "ACHEWOOD WASTE TRANSFER STATION 3087".]] / {{alt-text: Teodor sees that Ray just wants to watch Braveheart many times.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04142006 |
| Forgot to tuck in Philippe - April 14, 2006 | [[Teodor is standing behind Ray, who is sitting on the couch.]]
/ Teodor: Dude, what time is it? / Ray: It's five AM, chochacho! You ready to gruzzle down some cheese omelettes, or you want to watch Braveheart again first? / Teodor: Oh, crap. I was supposed to tuck Philippe in tonight. I'm the only one at the house right now.
/ Uh oh. This is bad. / Ray: Duuuude! Philippe is fine! He probably just fell asleep exactly wherever he was standing at 8:30! / Teodor: I wish. If someone doesn't tuck him in and read him a few chapters of Rock Star Soccer Robot 9, he won't go to sleep.
/ He's probably in the garage chugging out of a big glowing bottle marked "POISON." / Ray: Alright! Choice is yours. Totally asleep alive kid, or fontina omelettes with a hundred dollar bill put next to the plate at a forty-five degree angle.
/ Let me know. / [[Philippe is shown in darkness, walking through the wilderness.]] / [[Philippe hides behind a rock and watches two people enter an opening in a tall fence.]] / [[The fence has a sign near it that reads "ACHEWOOD WASTE TRANSFER STATION 3087".]] / {{alt-text: Teodor sees that Ray just wants to watch Braveheart many times.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04142006 |
| Forgot to tuck in Philippe | [[Teodor is standing behind Ray, who is sitting on the couch.]]
/ Teodor: Dude, what time is it? / Ray: It's five AM, chochacho! You ready to gruzzle down some cheese omelettes, or you want to watch Braveheart again first? / Teodor: Oh, crap. I was supposed to tuck Philippe in tonight. I'm the only one at the house right now.
/ Uh oh. This is bad. / Ray: Duuuude! Philippe is fine! He probably just fell asleep exactly wherever he was standing at 8:30! / Teodor: I wish. If someone doesn't tuck him in and read him a few chapters of Rock Star Soccer Robot 9, he won't go to sleep.
/ He's probably in the garage chugging out of a big glowing bottle marked "POISON." / [[Ray is not worried and is shown now with a martini in his hand.]]
/ Ray: Alright! Choice is yours. Totally asleep alive kid, or fontina omelettes with a hundred dollar bill put next to the plate at a forty-five degree angle.
/ Let me know. / [[Philippe is shown in darkness, walking through the wilderness.]] / [[Philippe hides behind a rock and watches two people enter an opening in a tall fence.]] / [[The fence has a sign near it that reads "ACHEWOOD WASTE TRANSFER STATION 3087".]] / {{alt-text: Teodor sees that Ray just wants to watch Braveheart many times.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04142006 |
| Achewood - April 15, 2002 | [[Todd and Blister are at the party. Music plays. Téodor is still passed out on a barstool.]]
/ Todd: Wooo! I'm startin' to f-f-fade. Wanna take?
/ Blister: SURE / [[Todd and Blister walk out of the party.]] / [[Todd and Blister are outside by Todd's van. There is a ticket under the wiper.]]
/ Todd: Aw jeez -- look at this! A ticket! / [[Todd examines the ticket more closely]]
/ Blister: WHAT THE HELL TODD WHAT'S IT SAY / [[A close-up view of the ticket. The letterhead says "CITY OF ACHEWOOD DEPARTMENT OF SQUIRREL POLICE". The ticket is a "NOTICE THAT YOUR CAR IS FRIKKING AWESOME", with handwritten "OFFICER'S REMARKS" asking "where'd you get it".]] / {{alt text: "WE ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE NEW TO WRITE THE ALT TEXT BECAUSE THE LAST GUY QUIT. SEND RESUMES TO CHRIS AT ACHEWOOD.COM"}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04152002 |
| Achewood - April 15, 2003 | Nice Pete: How was your visitation session, Pat
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04152003 |
| Achewood - April 15, 2004 | [[ Losing It in A-Minor ]]
/ [[ Ray is dancing next to the typewriter wearing his newspaper suit, on the streets of Berlin.]] / Even Anthony Kiedis knows
/ The temperature at which water freezes
/ Iggy Pop can name on demand
/ At least three apostles of Jesus / Our mass subconscious is a big subway system
/ Each car is a small Noah's Ark
/ We bounce around from station to station
/ Like Keith Richards looking for the bathroom in the dark / Elvis salutes from the tiller
/ His sunglasses vibrate and glow
/ Our train has a vanity license plate frame:
/ "Vae, Puto Deus Fio" / {{ Doggerel Dogg Goes Latin: Good Gracious, I Am Becoming a God }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04152004 |
| Achewood - April 15, 2005 | [[Interior, Ray's house. Ray is pacing about, deep in thought.]]
/ Ray: (thinking) Man, I am at a crossroads here. / Ray: (thinking) On the one hand, Japan Man is right. One should be able to make one's own fortune in America. / Ray: (thinking) On the other hand, Japan Man is wrong. If you can't hang in the major leagues, you simply shouldn't play. / Ray: (thinking) So this is a classic struggle. / Ray: (thinking) Do I do the humanitarian thing and bow out so he can prosper? / Ray: (thinking) Or do I play the game as it is played and call it survival of the fittest? / Ray: (thinking) Perhaps I'll just repurpose the joint rolling machine and make money a different way. / Ray: This month's Playboy Advisor says that the parietal lobe is the part of the brain that controls hand-eye coordination. / Ray: (thinking) Perhaps we can wire the machine up to a small taser, which is calibrated to send an exact type of shock to the parietal lobe, / Ray: (thinking) ...which causes the subject to take out his wallet and throw it as far as he can from himself. / Ray: Lyle could catch it with a lacrosse stick or butterfly net. / Ray: (thinking) This could easily toe the line between Nobel Prize and prison time. I GOT to find out if I can spin this as humanitarian. What's the firm that changed Paris Hilton from cocksucking dumbo to entrepreneur who did not send the whole world an MPEG of her sucking cock? They're good. / {{alt text - Let us not forget the Triangle Factory Fire}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04152005 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04152008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04152008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - April 16, 2002 | [[There is a party occuring, which everyone is eloquently dressed for. Teodor has passed out]]
/ Ray: Téodor! We gonna take off now! It was a real good time, dig? / [[There is a firm, pulsating knock at the door]] / [[Ray has answered the door and begins a dialogue with the person behind it]]
/ Ray: Téodor? Naw, baby -- he's out cold. What's in the box? / Ray: A secret, huh? Well, that's real sweet of you. Yeah, we'll make sure he gets it. Who can we say it's from? / Ray: Okay, Penny. Drive safe now.
/ Ray: My name's Ray, by the way. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04162002 |
| Achewood - April 16, 2003 | [[Ray and Mr. Bear are on the couch watching TV]]
/ Ray: Man, these Gilmore Girls just talk too goddamned much.
/ Mr. Bear: If you don't like it, you can go do something else. / Ray: Seriously, man! Who writes this shit? Nerdy bitches on speed? / Mr. Bear: I find the brisk dialogue to be a welcome departure from the usual prime-time babble.
/ Ray: This show stone cold blows! I'm gonna go outside and have a smoke. / [[Ray is leaving]]
/ Ray: you can stay in here and watch this show that totally SUCKS! / {{Title; SOON}}
/ [[Ray is outside, having run into Pat and Nice Pete]]
/ Ray: holy fuckin' hell, Pat! What are you doin' outta prison? What the shit?
/ [[Indicating Nice Pete]]
/ Who's THIS blowjob? / [[Closeup of Pat, looking panicked]]
/ Pat: Ray, man! We gotta get inside! We can't be seen! / [[Back to Ray]]
/ Ray: Well ALL FUCKIN' RIGHT, man! Just come into the goddamned house already! / [[Ray, doing his signature baffled arm gesture]]
/ Ray: Crap, dude! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04162003 |
| Gilmore Girls | [[Ray and Mr. Bear are on the couch watching TV]]
/ Ray: Man, these Gilmore Girls just talk too goddamned much!
/ Mr. Bear: If you don't like it, you can go do something else. / Ray: Seriously, man! Who writes this shit?
/ Ray: Nerdy bitches on speed? / Mr. Bear: I find the brisk dialogue to be a welcome departure from the usual prime-time babble.
/ Ray: This show stone cold blows! I'm gonna go outside and have a smoke. / [[Ray is leaving]]
/ Ray: you can stay in here and watch this show that totally /sucks/! / [[Title: SOON. Ray is outside, having run into Pat and Nice Pete]]
/ Ray: holy fuckin' hell, Pat! What are you doin' outta prison? What the shit?
/ [[Indicating Nice Pete]]
/ Who's /this/ blowjob? / [[Closeup of Pat, looking panicked]]
/ Pat: Ray, man! We gotta get inside! We can't be seen! / [[Back to Ray]]
/ Ray: Well /all fuckin' right/, man! Just come into the goddamned house already! / [[Ray, doing his signature baffled arm gesture]]
/ Ray: Crap, dude! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04162003 |
| Achewood - April 16, 2007 | [[Ray is sitting at his desk in front of the computer, speaking on a wireless phone, an empty cup of brandy at the side]]
/ Ray: Yeah, Beef! I DID commission you and Molly a custom romance novel for Christmas! It finally showed up? / [[Ray still sitting on the same spot, only his expression shows more interest now]]
/ Ray:Yeah, exactly. I just had to fill out all these little fields for each of you, and their service did the rest!
/ How's it read? Pretty good? / [[Excerpts from Said Romance Novel]]
/ Chapter One.
/ It was very late at night. Candles lined the darkened room. Roast Beef lay back on the red satin bed, depression playing across his handsome features. Molly, nice, not my type, walked into the room wearing erotic lingerie with a subtle computer programming theme. She had to get back to I don't know, some crappy-assed waitress job in a few hours, but for now, the my pool house was the limits of their world. / [[Page two of the Novel]]
/ "Wait," whispered Roast Beef, as he slyly produced a spicy Greek pepperoncini in vinegar. She moaned softly as he traced the outline of her nipple with it. Soon, she couldn't stand it any longer. She pulled his nothin' to write home about chest to hers and locked him in a passionate kiss.
/ In the morning, he awoke before her, and lovingly prepared his special breakfast of those canned Hormel tamales with the little piece of paper in between each one. / {{Title/Alt Text: Molly seductively slid a raunchy little tamale across her I haven't really noticed them lips, and soon...}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04162007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04162008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04162008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - April 17, 2002 | [[Ray has box in hand from "Penny." See previous strip.]]
/ Ray: Hmmm... now what should I do with this box?
/ Ray: I wonder what the best thing to do is. / Titling: MANY HOURS LATER
/ [[Téodor is beginning to wake up]]
/ Téodor: Oh...oh god.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04172002 |
| Achewood - April 17, 2003 | Ray: Seriously, Pat! How'd you get outta prison? / Nice Pete: [[thinking to himself]] This guy plays it so cool. / Makin' damn sure we actually found the tools he slipped us. / After all, we may have broken out some other way and not be indebted to him. / A smart man knows where everyone stands so when the time comes he can cold knock the dominos down. / This Ray cat is obviously the brains of the neighborhood. / Ray: [[thinking to himself]] How in the heck did Pat get out of prison? / Prison is supposed to be a really hard place to get out of. / {{title tag: don't read a comic start a family / that's what they always used to say}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04172003 |
| Achewood - April 17, 2006 | Emeril: Well I don't know Spongebath if you ask me that sounds as phony as the lunar landing / Lyle: You read Ralph Rene's book, Emeril?
/ Emeril: Yes and if you did find it as provocative as I you may want to take on loan on my copy of Moonfaker / Beef's cell phone: ...when I went to YOUR schools, YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities? So how can YOU say that I'M crazy?! / Beef: Oh uh excuse me a second I have a call from Téodor
/ Lyle: Tell that guy he sucks!
/ Beef: Okay yeah I'll try to work that in / Beef: Oh uh dang man did you check in the driveway or such as crawl spaces
/ Beef: Yeah man of course you did sorry what am I saying Jesus / Beef: Guys uh there is a problem little Philippe is missing and Téodor is real off his way about it
/ Beef: I think we got a thing in the main / Emeril: If the boy is missing we must assemble at his origination and collect all as does pertain
/ Beef: Okay yeah grab your parkas I'll run us over in the Galaxie / Car radio: LOVELY RITA, METERMAID! WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU / Beef: Alright Téodor look we got much dudes here to find--
/ Emeril: There are hard spots in the carpet was a couch recently moved / Téodor: Y-Yeah! We got rid of the old living room sofa today! He... he asked about it!
/ Emeril: He is headed for station 3081 and he had better not get there / Emeril: Zell and Cory may have intercepted him but they will be collecting and not mind him long
/ Téodor: Why do you think he's headed after the sofa?
/ Emeril: All I know is that I see two missing things and not one http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04172006 |
| Achewood - April 17, 2007 | [[Roast Beef staring at computer screen]]
/ Dang man everybody wants to impeach George Bush and hate on him and spank him on the butt / [[Roast Beef typing]]
/ Well everyone has their price let's try this
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04172007 |
| Achewood - April 17, 2008 | [[Teodor and Ray are driving through the night in Ray's Escalade]]
/ Ray: So, like, I think the reason Howard Stern is popular is that he hell of rags on dykes, but he also hell of esteems them, because they got, like, brass Fallopian tubes. / Ray: It shows that the man is conflicted like everyone else, and in their cars, in private, people admit that they also want to crack wise with some boss lesbians. / [[Still driving, Ray turns to Teodor]]
/ Ray: You know that lesbians are funnier than usual people, right? I got a theory on that. / Teodor: It's not a theory, it's a guess. It's not even a hypothesis.
/ Ray: Daaamn! Look who's bein' a dick about terms! / [[Soon]]
/ [[at the police station]]
/ Ray: Yo! You got a nutty old bear in here? Like, way over three percent crazy? Goin' by the name of Cornelius? / Policeman: Yeah. Is he yours? We picked him up in the woods trying to bury a computer disk with a boot sector virus on it. / [[Teodor is looking around while Ray talks to the policeman]]
/ Ray: Sounds like him. He's old as hell, and he's been leavin' the toilet seat at like a forty-five degree angle lately. / [[Teodor turns and looks questioningly at Ray, who looks back with an amused grin on his face.]] / [[Teodor looks disgusted with Ray, who smiles broadly at his own amusing banter.]] / [[The policeman takes some notes on a pad]]
/ Policeman: Well, I know how that can be. My father went the same way. Do you release him into your custody?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04172008 |
| Achewood - April 17, 2008 | [[Teodor and Ray are driving through the night in Ray's Escalade]]
/ Ray: So, like, I think the reason Howard Stern is popular is that he hell of rags on dykes, but he also hell of esteems them, because they got, like, brass Fallopian tubes. / Ray: It shows that the man is conflicted like everyone else, and in their cars, in private, people admit that they also want to crack wise with some boss lesbians. / [[Still driving, Ray turns to Teodor]]
/ Ray: You know that lesbians are funnier than usual people, right? I got a theory on that. / Teodor: It's not a theory, it's a guess. It's not even a hypothesis.
/ Ray: Daaamn! Look who's bein' a dick about terms! / [[Soon]]
/ [[at the police station]]
/ Ray: Yo! You got a nutty old bear in here? Like, way over three percent crazy? Goin' by the name of Cornelius? / Policeman: Yeah. Is he yours? We picked him up in the woods trying to bury a computer disk with a boot sector virus on it. / [[Teodor is looking around while Ray talks to the policeman]]
/ Ray: Sounds like him. He's old as hell, and he's been leavin' the toilet seat at like a forty-five degree angle lately. / [[Teodor turns and looks questioningly at Ray, who looks back with an amused grin on his face.]] / [[Teodor looks disgusted with Ray, who smiles broadly at his own amusing banter.]] / [[The policeman takes some notes on a pad]]
/ Policeman: Well, I know how that can be. My father went the same way. Do you release him into your custody?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04172008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04172010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04172010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - April 18, 2002 | PENNY DROPPED THIS BUY =RAY= / PENNY?! / Penny came by? You should have woken me up! / You was out cold, man! There was nothin' I --
/ Aww jeez, Ray! / Quit moanin' at me! What's in the box?
/ Oh yeah! Hey, I'll call you right back. / Soon
/ Ray! Look what she made me! / Ray? / Heh! Sorry, man. I been usin' this to keep Todd away. / The deal is that the humans aren't usually around. But the question is, how would the animals be around a human? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04182002 |
| Achewood - April 18, 2003 | <> / [[Pat has entered Vlad's Subway outlet and stands ashamed in front of the counter, behind which Vlad stands in his Subway cap]]
/ Pat: Vlad, I wanted to... to apologize to you for what I did. / Vlad: Ah yes, hello Pat. I see you are receivink my special Nat Shermans!
/ Pat: You sent those?! / [[Pat is astonished]]
/ Vlad: Ray has lunch with me before he visits you. I give him little treat to bring along.
/ Pat: But... but why? / Vlad: Pat, I get what I want from you. I drive your business into the ground so that mine can prosper. I do not need you in jail. / Vlad: You are aggressive businessman, Pat. I am respectink that. In fact, I have special deal for you. / [[Vlad hands a small rectangular black badge over to Pat, who takes it]]
/ Vlad: A deal a fugitive like you might not want to refuse! / [[We see text on the badge, which reads:
/ Pat
/ JUNIOR SANDWICH ARTIST
/ "What Do You Need Me To Do Today?(TM)"]]
/ Vlad: Full time, seven days a week. Welcome aboard. / {{Title text: Vlad lines it up}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04182003 |
| Lyle Shoots Ray's Car | {{Alt text: Apocalypse and Food, Escalade and Disaster.}} / Beef: Man what it is Ray why you so down at the corners of your slice
/ Ray: Oh, shut up, Beef. What do you know. / Beef: Dogg do not castigate me / Ray: Lyle's so pissed at me that he shot my new Escalade!
/ You don't shoot a man's car! It's just not done! / Beef: He probably had ten honks of whiskey in him dude
/ Ray: I'll put ten in him! Ten rounds, maybe! / Beef: Dogg I am getting in mood to head down to open mic night at Laszlo's
/ You should come blow off this steam / [[LATER THAT EVENING]]
/ Beef: He turns the pepper mill. The hidden wires connect; the electricity is led... / Beef:...to
/ ...the
/ ...explosive. / Beef: ohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiit.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04182005 |
| Trashspotters catching up with Philippe | [[Teodor and Emeril.]]
/ Teodor: Seriously, what makes you think he's gone to find the sofa?
/ Emeril: Teodor to hear you I would believe you never were a child. / [[Teodor is shown as a child, on a bright sunny day, chasing a duck. He has an anchor on his sweatshirt.]] / [[The duck sees him.]] / [[The duck runs away.]] / [[Teodor cries the tears of unfathomable sadness.]] / [[Roast Beef gestures for Teodor and Emeril to follow him.]]
/ Emeril: Roast Beef take us to the creek access at the old public bridge
/ We will need flashlights and many many small bills
/ Beef: Alright let's roll get in the car NOW hop to it / [[Beef's car drives off in the darkness.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04182006 |
| Achewood - April 18, 2007 | {title text: THE TODD T. SQUIRREL DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART}} / step: HOLY FRICK! I WOKE UP AGAIN!
/ HA HA LOOKS LIKE THOSE FUCKERS OWE ME FIVE BUCKS / [[Path A]]
/ step: AW, CRAP! RICKY NIHOHA'S HERE!
/ YEAH HI RICKY NO I AIN'T REMEMBER WHO ATE ALL THE BEAN SALAD AT THE VAN CLUB MEETING / step: B-B-BACK OFF, RICKY! **AGH A PUNCH IN THE GUT**
/ BLERRRGGGH SPEW SPEW SPEW K'HUK PAH / step: AWRIGHT YEAH I GUESS THAT PROVES THAT HOPE YER HAPPY NOW NO ONE GETS THE BEAN SALAD / [[Path B]]
/ GET HIGH / step: ALRIGHT THIS IS GONNA TAKE SOME STUFF WATCHA GOT WATCHA GOT / [[Path a]]
/ case: STICKY EMPTY BONG / step: COOK THE BONG IN BUTTER 'TIL A HALF HOUR AN' THEN EAT THE BUTTER ON CHIPS / [[Path b]]
/ case: DVD SOMEBODY DID COKE OFFA'
/ step: SPRAY PAM ONNA DVD THEN MICROWAVE TWENTY SECONDS, LICK / [[Path a and b join]]
/ step: OH WOW HA HA I'M HAVIN' A FANTASY / step: OH MAN IT'S LIKE PLANET 'A THE APES, BUT INSTADDA THE STATUE OF LIBERTY IT'S A BIG METAL FLIP-OFF STICKIN' OUTTA THE SAND / step: IT'S SO... IT'S SO FRIKKIN' SWEET / step: IT'S SO...IMPORTANT / [[Path c]]
/ case: 1983 RENAULT IDITAROD STEERING COLUMN / step: SOAK THE SWIVEL GASKET IN WD-40 AN' EAT THE COTTONY STUFF THAT FLOATS TO THE TOP
/ [THE SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC GUITAR'S STRINGS BEING TRIMMED WITH A WEED-WACKER] / [[Silhouette of squirrel with exclamation mark over head]] / [[Silhouette of squirrel throwing up]] / [[Silhouette of squirrel on ground, tail waving]] / [[Silhouette of dead/unconcious squirrel]] / [[Paths a, b, c join]] / [[Small black square]] / [[Center box]]
/ RICKY NIHOHA
/ Ricky Nihoha moved to the United States from Tonga in 1986. He is the president of the local van club. He is married, and considers himself a good Christian, raising his four daughters to follow Christ's example in all ways. He is a patient man, and hopes to forgive all sins, but he is not a fool. If one greedy individual eats the entire bowl of his fameous bean salad at a van meeting three times running, he will raise his fists. / {{alt text: Sometimes it's a big metal Dokken, sometimes it's just a little metal Danzig.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04182007 |
| Achewood - April 18, 2008 | [[In Ray's Escalade]]
/ Cornelius : I get it! I GET IT! Roast Beef is an utter genius! / Ray: How's that, Stanley? / Cornelius: My name is not Stanley. / Ray: [[To Teodor]] They say that's a good sign. / Cornelius: At any rate, he knew that gentlemen of my vintage do not have the computing interests of the younger generations... / Cornelius: -stealing music which I would break from shackles to escape, for instance- / Cornelius: ...so instead he guided my hand to a machine which had something of a good parlor mystery constantly playing about within! / {{Was it all...British Magical Realism?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04182008 |
| Achewood - April 18, 2008 | [[In Ray's Escalade]]
/ Cornelius : I get it! I GET IT! Roast Beef is an utter genius! / Ray: How's that, Stanley? / Cornelius: My name is not Stanley. / Ray: [[To Teodor]] They say that's a good sign. / Cornelius: At any rate, he knew that gentlemen of my vintage do not have the computing interests of the younger generations... / Cornelius: -stealing music which I would break from shackles to escape, for instance- / Cornelius: ...so instead he guided my hand to a machine which had something of a good parlor mystery constantly playing about within! / {{Was it all...British Magical Realism?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04182008 |
| Achewood - April 19, 2002 | [[Philippe's mother has called her son on the telephone]]
/ Philippe's Mother: Dear, did you get the tapes I sent? / Philippe: Yes mom! I was just about to play them. / Titling: LATER
/ [Philippe has headphones on]]
/ Tape: ...SO REMEMBER, WHEN YOU EAT FOOD, YOU TURN IT INTO *LIFE* / Tape: AND EVERYONE LIKES *LIFE,* DON'T THEY.
/ Philippe: I bet so! / Tape: SAY IT LOUD: "I LIKE LIFE!"
/ Philippe: I like life! / Tape: GO ON, SAY IT AGAIN! "I, YOUR NAME, LIKE LIFE!"
/ Philippe: I, PHILIPPE, LIKE LIFE! / {{The deal is that the humans aren't usually around. But the question is, how would the animals be around a human? The question stands}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192002 |
| Achewood - April 19, 2002 | [[Philippe's mother has called her son on the telephone]]
/ Philippe's Mother: Dear, did you get the tapes I sent? / Philippe: Yes mom! I was just about to play them. / Titling: LATER
/ [[Philippe has headphones on]]
/ Tape: ...SO REMEMBER, WHEN YOU EAT FOOD, YOU TURN IT INTO *LIFE* / Tape: AND EVERYONE LIKES *LIFE,* DON'T THEY?
/ Philippe: I bet so! / Tape: SAY IT LOUD: "I LIKE LIFE!"
/ Philippe: I like life! / Tape: GO ON, SAY IT AGAIN! "I, YOUR NAME, LIKE LIFE!"
/ Philippe: I, PHILIPPE, LIKE LIFE! / [[Philippe closes his eyes and listens to the song on the tape]]
/ Tape: SO GO ON AHEAD
/ EAT SOME SHRIMP OR SOME BREAD
/ IT'S A TRIUMPH FOR YOUR BODY
/ WHEN YOU KEEP YOURSELF FED / {{alt: The deal is that the humans aren't usually around. But the question is, how would the animals be around a human? The question stands}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=04192002 |
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