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Achewood - May 2, 2002 {{Alt-Text: If the cooler stinks, does that ruin the beer in it?}} / [[Lie Bot is startled by a car door slamming]] / <> / [[Lie Bot thinks to himself]] / Lie Bot: What's with that car door slamming so hard? / [[Lie Bot looks out the window]] / Lie Bot: Mark McGwire! No wonder! / [[Lie Bot stands near the front door, Mark McGwire is presumably knocking on it]] / <> / Marc McGwire: PHILIPPE? PHILIPPE? DID YOU PICK THE STATE FLOWER YESTERDAY? / [[Mark McGwire is now pounding on the front door, Lie Bot has his hands clapped to his ears]] / <> / Mark McGwire: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF WHEN YOU FOUND IT IT ALREADY HAD SORT OF A BENT STEM! WHAT YOU DID IS STILL A CRIME! / [[Lie Bot is telling this story to a scared-looking Philippe]] / Lie Bot: Then he just stormed off!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022002
Achewood - May 2, 2003 - Fuck Algebra Little Nephew: B–But Uncle Ray! You made an album! / Ray: Yeah, and that was actual real music! You, you just yellin' to some beatbox, sayin' that algebra is gay! / Little Nephew: I'm just responding to the times, Uncle Ray! This is stuff that's on everybody's mind! / Ray: Yeah, in the third grade, maybe! And you shouldn't even be usin' language like this at your age! / Little Nephew: Oh come on! That's the language of the hard streets! / Ray: "If a number can't come real/ Then I don't need that stumper/ The concept of the variable/ can take it in the dumper." / [[Ray stares at Little Nephew. Little Nephew winces.]] / {{alt: This is from the guy who signed The Sexual Homeboys}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022003
Achewood - May 2, 2003 - Fuck Algebra Little Nephew: B–But Uncle Ray! You made an album! / Ray: Yeah, and that was actual real music! You, you just yellin' to some beatbox, sayin' that algebra is gay! / Little Nephew: I'm just responding to the times, Uncle Ray! This is stuff that's on everybody's mind! / Ray: Yeah, in the third grade, maybe! And you shouldn't even be usin' language like this at your age! / Little Nephew: Oh come on! That's the language of the hard streets! / Ray: "If a number can't come real/ Then I don't need that stumper/ The concept of the variable/ can take it in the dumper." / [[Ray stares at Little Nephew. Little Nephew winces.]] / {{alt: This is from the guy who signed The Sexual Homeboys}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022003
Achewood - May 2, 2003 - Fuck Algebra [[Ray's hands hold a CD case whose cover bears a picture of Little Nephew and the text "Fuck... ALGEBRA! with Little Nephew." Little Nephew is shown in the background.]] / Little Nephew: B–But Uncle Ray! You made an album! / Ray: Yeah, and that was actual real music! You, you just yellin' to some beatbox, sayin' that algebra is gay! / Little Nephew: I'm just responding to the times, Uncle Ray! This is stuff that's on everybody's mind! / Ray: Yeah, in the third grade, maybe! And you shouldn't even be usin' language like this at your age! / Little Nephew: Oh come on! That's the language of the hard streets! / [[Ray reads from the CD's liner notes.]] / Ray: "If a number can't come real/ Then I don't need that stumper/ The concept of the variable/ can take it in the dumper." / [[Ray stares at Little Nephew. Little Nephew winces.]] / {{title: Fuck Algebra}} / {{alt: This is from the guy who signed The Sexual Homeboys}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022003
Achewood - May 2, 2005 [[Lyle is standing in the living room. An open bottle is lying on the sofa]] / Lyle: Jesus Christ! I set this beer down for five minutes and you popped it, you fug? / Lyle: That was my REWARD beer, you bastard! It's IMPORTED! / [[Téodor lying face-down on the floor]] / Lyle: Wake up, turd! / Lyle: HEY! I don't like kickin' asleep dudes' asses, but I'll do it! I know how! / [[Téodor's spirit standing upside down on the ceiling, his clothing hanging over his head]] / Téodor: Agh! What the hell's going on?! / <> / [[Lyle kicks Téodor]] / <> / Téodor coughs up the bottle cap]] / <> / [[Téodor resuscitates]] / [[A question mark appear above the head of Téodor's spirit and he falls from the ceiling]] / <> / [[Téodor's spirit falls back into his body]] / <> / [[Todd and Lyle watches as Téodor's pants go down]] / Todd: Why'd his pants go down, Lyle? / Lyle: I dunno! Let's get the hell outta here! / Todd: Good c-call! / [[Cornelius enters the room with a glass in his left hand, and a cigar in his right]] / Narrator: Soon. / Cornelius: I say, anyone care to indulge me in a bit of Gilmore--- / [[Téodor lying sideways on the floor, with his pants down]] / Cornelius: Téodor! This is simply beyond the pale! I... is that Breast Attack on Fuck Mountain? Capital! Activate the captioning! / {{title text: New to the strip? The idea is that the bear in the ascot was once shot by a cat who was coughing on grappa and thus briefly held a job writing closed captioning for a pornographic cable channel. Little does he know that the television is actually showing a DVD!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022005
Achewood - May 2, 2005 [[Lyle is standing in the living room. An open bottle is lying on the sofa]] / Lyle: Jesus Christ! I set this beer down for five minutes and you popped it, you fug? / Lyle: That was my REWARD beer, you bastard! It's IMPORTED! / [[Téodor lying face-down on the floor]] / Lyle: Wake up, turd! / Lyle: HEY! I don't like kickin' asleep dudes' asses, but I'll do it! I know how! / [[Téodor's spirit standing upside down on the ceiling, his clothing hanging over his head]] / Téodor: Agh! What the hell's going on?! / <> / [[Lyle kicks Téodor]] / <> / Téodor coughs up the bottle cap]] / <> / [[Téodor resuscitates]] / [[A question mark appear above the head of Téodor's spirit and he falls from the ceiling]] / <> / [[Téodor's spirit falls back into his body]] / <> / [[Todd and Lyle watches as Téodor's pants go down]] / Todd: Why'd his pants go down, Lyle? / Lyle: I dunno! Let's get the hell outta here! / Todd: Good c-call! / [[Cornelius enters the room with a glass in his left hand, and a cigar in his right]] / Narrator: Soon. / Cornelius: I say, anyone care to indulge me in a bit of Gilmore--- / [[Téodor lying sideways on the floor, with his pants down]] / Cornelius: Téodor! This is simply beyond the pale! I... is that Breast Attack on Fuck Mountain? Capital! Activate the captioning! / {{title text: New to the strip? The idea is that the bear in the ascot was once shot by a cat who was coughing on grappa and thus briefly held a job writing closed captioning for a pornographic cable channel. Little does he know that the television is actually showing a DVD!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022005
Achewood - May 2, 2006 [[Ray and Teodor are in Airwolf]] / Ray: Alright, you want a beer or anything? Help yourself - I put some Coronas in the mini-fridge before I left. / Teodor: I... is that allowed? Can you have an open container in the cockpit? / Ray: Dude, "A," the Airwolf cockpit has one-way glass... / Ray: ...and "B," you need to calm down. We'll find Philippe using Airwolf, don't worry. / Teodor: I'll lay into the beer once you tell me how we're going to use this helicopter to find Philippe. / Ray: Seriously? You pronounce it "heela-copter"? Everyone I know says "hella-copter." / Teodor: I don't want to do this right now! How are we gonna find him?! / Ray: Easy, dude. I was readin' the instruction manual while you were takin' your time climbin' the rope ladder to the heela-copter. / Ray: We just tell his species to the on-board computer and Airwolf uses its on-board spectra-sonic rays to locate objects with his specific density and size. / Ray: AIRWOLF! FIND...AN OTTER! / SOON. / [[Airwolf computer screen, a pixelated cross-hair over Philippe's cooler]] / 110° N / TARGET ENGAGED / LOCK / OPTIONS: F1 / Ray: Alright, good news. Philippe's floatin' in a cooler about two hundred yards offshore. / Ray: Now I just got to toggle through some commands here...man, this interface is terrible! I feel like I'm tryin' to set the time on a cheap oven! / [[Airwolf launches a missile]] / <> / [[The missile soars off]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022006
Achewood - May 2, 2006 [[Ray and Teodor are in Airwolf]] / Ray: Alright, you want a beer or anything? Help yourself - I put some Coronas in the mini-fridge before I left. / Teodor: boobies / Ray: Dude, "A," the Airwolf cockpit has one-way glass... / Ray: ...and "B," you need to calm down. We'll find Philippe using Airwolf, don't worry. / Teodor: I'll lay into the beer once you tell me how we're going to use this helicopter to find Philippe. / Ray: Seriously? You pronounce it "heela-copter"? Everyone I know says "hella-copter." / Teodor: I don't want to do this right now! How are we gonna find him?! / Ray: Easy, dude. I was readin' the instruction manual while you were takin' your time climbin' the rope ladder to the heela-copter. / Ray: We just tell his species to the on-board computer and Airwolf uses its on-board spectra-sonic rays to locate objects with his specific density and size. / Ray: AIRWOLF! FIND...AN OTTER! / SOON. / [[Airwolf computer screen, a pixelated cross-hair over Philippe's cooler]] / 110° N / TARGET ENGAGED / LOCK / OPTIONS: F1 / Ray: Alright, good news. Philippe's floatin' in a cooler about two hundred yards offshore. / Ray: Now I just got to toggle through some commands here...man, this interface is terrible! I feel like I'm tryin' to set the time on a cheap oven! / [[Airwolf launches a missile]] / <> / [[The missile soars off]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022006
Achewood - May 2, 2007 [[Ray has just been hit in the face with a pitch]] / Vlad: NO photo: Absolutely there is none! / Cornelius: TAAAAAPE! / SOON. / Teodor: Ray! RAY! Can you hear me? / [[Blood spurts out of Ray's ears every time he talks]] / Ray: Teodor! / <> / Ray: Hey, doggie! / <> / Ray: I hit a home run? / <> / Teodor: Dude! Every time you talk, blood shoots out of your ears. / Ray: It's cool, man. It'll probably... / Ray: ...it'll probably scab over. / Teodor: What, your brain?! / Roast Beef: Dogg if you ain't get that fixed you gonna be hell to chat with on the bus
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022007
Achewood - May 2, 2007 [[Ray has just been hit in the face with a pitch. Ray holds his nose in pain while Vlad and Cornelius each holds half of Ray's broken glasses.]] / Vlad: NO photo: Absolutely there is none! / Cornelius: TAAAAAPE! / Narrator: SOON. / [[Ray's glasses are now taped together. Roast Beef and Teodor hold Ray's shoulders, concerned. / Teodor: Ray! RAY! Can you hear me? / [[Close-up of Ray. Blood spurts out of Ray's ears as he talks]] / Ray: Teodor! / <> / [[Close-up of Ray with a retarded smile on his face.]] / [[Close-up of Ray. Blood spurts out of Ray's ears as he talks]] / Ray: Hey, doggie! / <> / [[Close-up of Ray with a retarded smile on his face.]] / [[Close-up of Ray. Blood spurts out of Ray's ears as he talks]] / Ray: I hit a home run? / <> / [[Zoom out. Blood is still spurting out of Ray's ears. Everyone is very concerned.]] / Teodor: Dude! Every time you talk, blood shoots out of your ears. / Ray: It's cool, man. It'll probably... / Ray: ...it'll probably scab over. / Teodor: What, your brain?! / Roast Beef: Dogg if you ain't get that fixed you gonna be hell to chat with on the bus
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022007
 
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05022008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - May 3, 2002 {{Alt-text: It was so sad}} / [[Teodor is sitting at his computer, talking in a chat room.]] / > *Vlad12Roses has entered the room* / > Vlad12Roses: Babies, is Vlad / > Vlad12Roses: Whatz up 2nite / Teodor: Whoah, it's Vlad! / [[Teodor begins typing]] / > T-ADORE: Whatz up Vlad? / > Vlad12Roses: RU hot t-adore / > T-ADORE: Vlad are you euro? / Teodor: Ha ha! / > Vlad12Roses: Hold on / > T-ADORE: RU in2 me 2nite? / > Vlad12Roses: dammit hold on / > T-ADORE: Where RU sexxy? / > Vlad12Roses: oh damn it all / > Vlad12Roses: oh God why him / > T-ADORE: huh? / > Vlad12Roses: is E.R. show / > Vlad12Roses: dr. Green baby he is dead / > Vlad12Roses: is so unfair / > *Vlad12Roses has left the room*
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032002
Achewood - May 3, 2004 [[Roast Beef is wearing a raccoon-skin hat and holds a telescope.]] / Ray: Hoo-oooo! / Ray: Boss kaleidoscope, Beef! / Roast Beef: Man I was digging through all my old kid stuff in the attic this morning man / Roast Beef: Check this thing out / [[Ray looks through the telescope.]] / Ray: Ha ha! / Ray: With that coonskin cap on, you look like you're 69ing with the dudes from ABBA! / Roast Beef: Three dudes can't 69 man think about it / Ray: Actually, they can. / Ray: It's called the Isosceles Lock. / [[A projector screen opens from the ceiling.]] / [[The lights dim and a diagram of the Isosceles Lock appears on the projector screen.]] / Ray: Invented by the dudes from ABBA, the Isosceles Lock has revolutionized...
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032004
Achewood - May 3, 2004 [[Roast Beef is wearing a raccoon-skin hat and holds a telescope.]] / Ray: Hoo-oooo! / Ray: Boss kaleidoscope, Beef! / Roast Beef: Man I was digging through all my old kid stuff in the attic this morning man / Roast Beef: Check this thing out / [[Ray looks through the telescope.]] / Ray: Ha ha! / Ray: With that coonskin cap on, you look like you're 69ing with the dudes from ABBA! / Roast Beef: Three dudes can't 69 man think about it / Ray: Actually, they can. / Ray: It's called the Isosceles Lock. / [[A projector screen opens from the ceiling.]] / [[The lights dim and a diagram of the Isosceles Lock (©1978 Ulvaeus, Andersson) appears on the projector screen.]] / Ray: Invented by the dudes from ABBA, the Isosceles Lock has revolutionized... / {{ Agnetha I will be not at home again this Evening }} / {{ links to: http://www.dreamdust.co.uk/images/bjbeauto.jpg }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032004
Achewood - May 3, 2004 [[Roast Beef is wearing a raccoon-skin hat and holds a telescope.]] / Ray: Hoo-oooo! / Ray: Boss kaleidoscope, Beef! / Roast Beef: Man I was digging through all my old kid stuff in the attic this morning man / Roast Beef: Check this thing out / [[Ray looks through the telescope.]] / Ray: Ha ha! / Ray: With that coonskin cap on, you look like you're 69ing with the dudes from ABBA! / Roast Beef: Three dudes can't 69 man think about it / Ray: Actually, they can. / Ray: It's called the Isosceles Lock. / [[A projector screen opens from the ceiling.]] / [[The lights dim and a diagram of the Isosceles Lock appears on the projector screen, with a 1978 copyright by Ulvaeus and Andersson.]] / Ray: Invented by the dudes from ABBA, the Isosceles Lock has revolutionized...
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032004
Achewood - May 3, 2004 [[Roast Beef is wearing a raccoon-skin hat and holds a telescope.]] / Ray: Hoo-oooo! / Ray: Boss kaleidoscope, Beef! / Roast Beef: Man I was digging through all my old kid stuff in the attic this morning man / Roast Beef: Check this thing out / [[Ray looks through the telescope.]] / Ray: Ha ha! / Ray: With that coonskin cap on, you look like you're 69ing with the dudes from ABBA! / Roast Beef: Three dudes can't 69 man think about it / Ray: Actually, they can. / Ray: It's called the Isosceles Lock. / [[A projector screen opens from the ceiling with a "FLUT" sound.]] / [[The lights dim and a diagram of the Isosceles Lock appears on the projector screen.]] / Ray: Invented by the dudes from ABBA, the Isosceles Lock has revolutionized...
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032004
Achewood - May 3, 2006 <> / <> / <> / <> / Téodor: Ray? RAY? / Téodor: Snap out of it, Ray! / Téodor: Hey! HEY! Wake UP! / <> / Téodor: What the...spray-painted styrofoam discs?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032006
Achewood - May 3, 2006 - Ray Kills Philippe [[A rocket has been launced from the Airwolf helicopter]] / Rocket: <> / [[The rocket heads straight for a floating Coors cooler.]] / From inside the cooler: <> / [[Inside the helicopter, Téodor is aghast and frozen.]] / [[Ray, wearing a headset and grasping the helicopter's steering column, is aghast and frozen.]] / [[The rocket is about to hit the cooler.]] / From inside the cooler: <> / [[The rocket explodes in a very large cloud of smoke.]] / <> / [[Ray is still frozen in the same pose.]] / [[Téodor and Ray are both frozen.]] / Téodor: Ray? RAY? / Téodor: Snap out of it, Ray! / Téodor: Hey! HEY! Wake UP! / [[Téodor pushes Ray out of the pilot's seat.]] / <> / Téodor: [[holding up the headset]] What the...spray-painted styrofoam discs?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032006
Achewood - May 3, 2007 [[Outside of medical building]] / Doctor: Fellows, I've evaluated Ray's condition after the softball injury. / Doctor: I have good news, and I have bad news. / Téodor: Is Ray...retarded now? / [[Téodor, Cornelius, Roast Beef, and Lyle are in the room with the doctor]] / Doctor: The bad news is, yes, Ray will be intellectually diminished for about twelve days, until the swelling in his brain goes down. / Téodor: What's the good news? / Doctor: Ray has a document which gives me power of attorney to commit him to a care facility until he gets better. This way he can't hurt himself or be taken advantage of. / Cornelius: May I see the instrument, Doctor? Just for the sake of things, you know. / Doctor: Of course. / [[Viewing document]] / Document: Dear Doc Andretti, / If I am ever rendered mentally unfit to care for myself (act of God, wartime injury, honest mistake), I hereby grant you the authority to place me in a facility that will look after me until such time as I am recovered/deceased. / So that I may still have "happiness" during this dark time, please see to it that I am provided with the following things: / 1. A "Magic Rocks" kit / 2. A laser pointer keychain / 3. A magazine about McDonalds, by McDonalds. / You will find seven million dollars under the
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032007
Achewood - May 3, 2007 [[Outside of medical building]] / Doctor from off-frame: Fellows, I've evaluated Ray's condition after the softball injury. / [[Cut to the doctor talking to Teodor. The doctor is holding a clipboard.]] / Doctor: I have good news, and I have bad news. / Téodor: Is Ray...retarded now? / [[Téodor, Cornelius, Roast Beef, and Lyle are in the room with the doctor]] / Doctor: The bad news is, yes, Ray will be intellectually diminished for about twelve days, until the swelling in his brain goes down. / Téodor: What's the good news? / Doctor: Ray has a document which gives me power of attorney to commit him to a care facility until he gets better. This way he can't hurt himself or be taken advantage of. / Cornelius: May I see the instrument, Doctor? Just for the sake of things, you know. / Doctor: Of course. / [[The doctor hands Cornelius the document.]] / [[View of the document]] / Document: Dear Doc Andretti, / If I am ever rendered mentally unfit to care for myself (act of God, wartime injury, honest mistake), I hereby grant you the authority to place me in a facility that will look after me until such time as I am recovered/deceased. / So that I may still have "happiness" during this dark time, please see to it that I am provided with the following things: / 1. A "Magic Rocks" kit / 2. A laser pointer keychain / 3. A magazine about McDonalds, by McDonalds. / You will find seven million dollars under the
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032007
Achewood - May 3, 2007 [[Outside of medical building]] / Doctor: Fellows, I've evaluated Ray's condition after the softball injury. / Doctor: I have good news, and I have bad news. / Téodor: Is Ray...retarded now? / [[Téodor, Cornelius, Roast Beef, and Lyle are in the room with the doctor]] / Doctor: The bad news is, yes, Ray will be intellectually diminished for about twelve days, until the swelling in his brain goes down. / Téodor: What's the good news? / Doctor: Ray has a document which gives me power of attorney to commit him to a care facility until he gets better. This way he can't hurt himself or be taken advantage of. / Cornelius: May I see the instrument, Doctor? Just for the sake of things, you know. / Doctor: Of course. / [[Viewing document]] / Document: Dear Doc Andretti, / If I am ever rendered mentally unfit to care for myself (act of God, wartime injury, honest mistake), I hereby grant you the authority to place me in a facility that will look after me until such time as I am recovered/deceased. / So that I may still have "happiness" during this dark time, please see to it that I am provided with the following things: / 1. A "Magic Rocks" kit / 2. A laser pointer keychain / 3. A magazine about McDonalds, by McDonalds. / You will find seven million dollars under the / {{The seven million dollars are under a Raiders hat that is under a larger Raiders hat, in the basement.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05032007
 
Achewood - May 4, 2004 [[Ray is holding a liquor bottle and talking to Roast Beef]] / Ray: Man , Lyle left some bottle of ghetto gut around here. / Ray: I hate knowin' this stuff exists. / [[Roast Beef is now holding the bottle and examining the label]] / Roast Beef: Gusano Rojo man that is the stiff coal / Roast Beef: A real ankle drunk / Roast Beef: Mezcal / [[Ray is holding and smelling the bottle]] / Ray: Christ! / Ray: It smells like someone's working on a car! / Roast Beef: Pour it down the drain man do the dude a favor / Ray: Are you kidding? / Ray: Throwin' Lyle's liquor away is like pickin' a fight with a meat packing plant! / Roast Beef: Fine then / Roast Beef: Let's at least drain it and fill it back up with Ancient Situation or something else less embalmy / Ray: What if he actually likes this stuff? / Roast Beef: Dude you don't LIKE Gusano Rojo / Roast Beef: What you LIKE is that you're holding something the police will wrestle you for / {{title text: Here is my entry into the world's competition for things that don't translate well}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05042004
Achewood - May 4, 2004 [[Ray is holding a liquor bottle and talking to Roast Beef]] / Ray: Man , Lyle left some bottle of ghetto gut around here. / Ray: I hate knowin' this stuff exists. / [[Roast Beef is now holding the bottle and examining the label]] / Roast Beef: Gusano Rojo man that is the stiff coal / Roast Beef: A real ankle drunk / Roast Beef: *Mezcal* / [[Ray is holding and smelling the bottle]] / Ray: Christ! / Ray: It smells like someone's working on a car! / Roast Beef: Pour it down the drain man do the dude a favor / Ray: Are you kidding? / Ray: Throwin' Lyle's liquor away is like pickin' a fight with a meat packing plant! / Roast Beef: Fine then / Roast Beef: Let's at least drain it and fill it back up with Ancient Situation or something else less embalmy / Ray: What if he actually likes this stuff? / Roast Beef: Dude you don't LIKE Gusano Rojo / Roast Beef: What you LIKE is that you're holding something the police will wrestle you for / {{title text: Here is my entry into the world's competition for things that don't translate well}} / {{links to: http://www.bevmo.com/productinfo.asp?sku=00000007692&area=spirits&category=30040000&sid=14&catname=Tequila }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05042004
Achewood - May 4, 2005 [[A short equation of mathematical gibberish is shown, handwritten on ruled paper. Equation: e[subscript g]²=[sigma][subscript b-1](n)[omega][subscript i][delta] Below, Ray is shown looking at the paper and holding a pencil.]] / [[Ray approaches Roast Beef at the kitchen counter.]] / Ray: Hey Roast Beef! Is this a real equation? / Roast Beef: Well uh right off the bat I don't see why not / Ray: Okay, cool. How do you test it to make sure it works? / Roast Beef: Man what is this what is this all about / Ray: I'm just seein' if I'm some kind of math genius savant, you know. / Ray: Might as well find out. / Roast Beef: You are doing this in backwards order dogg usually a guy measures phenomena and derives the equation from his data / Ray: This equation just came to me when I cleared my mind, man. / Ray: I was just, like, channeling, you know? It's like, what if this was Einstein's last equation that he never got to write down before he died? / [[Roast Beef is shown writing something just below the equation. In a lower panel, it is revealed that Beef has written, "egg sandwich."]] / Roast Beef: Well then us it looks like Einstein is placing his lunch order through you / Ray: I'm gettin' that feeling I get about twenty minutes into X-Files. Come upstairs and watch the window while I try this again. / {{Alt text: Baby it's all about the Conservation of Ass-Energy}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05042005
Achewood - May 4, 2005 [[A short equation of mathematical gibberish is shown, handwritten on ruled paper. Equation: e[subscript g]²=[sigma][subscript b-1](n)[omega][subscript i][delta] Below, Ray is shown looking at the paper and holding a pencil.]] / [[Ray approaches Roast Beef at the kitchen counter.]] / Ray: Hey Roast Beef! Is this a real equation? / Roast Beef: Well uh right off the bat I don't see why not / Ray: Okay, cool. How do you test it to make sure it works? / Roast Beef: Man what is this what is this all about / Ray: I'm just seein' if I'm some kind of math genius savant, you know. / Ray: Might as well find out. / Roast Beef: You are doing this in backwards order dogg usually a guy measures phenomena and derives the equation from his data / Ray: This equation just came to me when I cleared my mind, man. / Ray: I was just, like, channeling, you know? It's like, what if this was Einstein's last equation that he never got to write down before he died? / [[Roast Beef is shown writing something just below the equation. In a lower panel, it is revealed that Beef has written, "egg sandwich."]] / Roast Beef: Well then us it looks like Einstein is placing his lunch order through you / Ray: I'm gettin' that feeling I get about twenty minutes into X-Files. Come upstairs and watch the window while I try this again. / {{Alt text: Baby it's all about the Conservation of Ass-Energy}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05042005
Achewood - May 4, 2005 [[A short equation of mathematical gibberish is shown, handwritten on ruled paper. Equation: e[subscript g]²=[sigma][subscript b-1](n)[omega][subscript i][delta] Below, Ray is shown looking at the paper and holding a pencil.]] / [[Ray approaches Roast Beef at the kitchen counter.]] / Ray: Hey Roast Beef! Is this a real equation? / Roast Beef: Well uh right off the bat I don't see why not / Ray: Okay, cool. How do you test it to make sure it works? / Roast Beef: Man what is this what is this all about / Ray: I'm just seein' if I'm some kind of math genius savant, you know. / Ray: Might as well find out. / Roast Beef: You are doing this in backwards order dogg usually a guy measures phenomena and derives the equation from his data / Ray: This equation just came to me when I cleared my mind, man. / Ray: I was just, like, channeling, you know? It's like, what if this was Einstein's last equation that he never got to write down before he died? / [[Roast Beef is shown writing something just below the equation. In a lower panel, it is revealed that Beef has written, "egg sandwich."]] / Roast Beef: Well then us it looks like Einstein is placing his lunch order through you / Ray: I'm gettin' that feeling I get about twenty minutes into X-Files. Come upstairs and watch the window while I try this again. / {{Alt text: Baby it's all about the Conservation of Ass-Energy}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05042005
Achewood - May 4, 2005 [[A short equation of mathematical gibberish is shown, handwritten on ruled paper. Equation: e[subscript g]²=[sigma][subscript b-1](n)[omega][subscript i][delta] Below, Ray is shown looking at the paper and holding a pencil.]] / [[Ray approaches Roast Beef at the kitchen counter.]] / Ray: Hey Roast Beef! Is this a real equation? / Roast Beef: Well uh right off the bat I don't see why not / Ray: Okay, cool. How do you test it to make sure it works? / Roast Beef: Man what is this what is this all about / Ray: I'm just seein' if I'm some kind of math genius savant, you know. / Ray: Might as well find out. / Roast Beef: You are doing this in backwards order dogg usually a guy measures phenomena and derives the equation from his data / Ray: This equation just came to me when I cleared my mind, man. / Ray: I was just, like, channeling, you know? It's like, what if this was Einstein's last equation that he never got to write down before he died? / [[Roast Beef is shown writing something just below the equation. In a lower panel, it is revealed that Beef has written, "egg sandwich."]] / Roast Beef: Well then us it looks like Einstein is placing his lunch order through you / Ray: I'm gettin' that feeling I get about twenty minutes into X-Files. Come upstairs and watch the window while I try this again. / {{Alt text: Baby it's all about the Conservation of Ass-Energy}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05042005
Achewood - May 4, 2007 {{A single-panel spread of Philippe's recurring newsletter}} / The Philippe Times. Does Jelly Belly make a brain one? Vol 9 No. 4 / [[Large typeface]] / Friday Facts! / [[Byline]] / by Philippe, editor-in-chief! / [[A photo accompanying the byline shows Philippe in a cap]] / Wear a helmet of any type! / DID YOU KNOW... / If money played an instrument, it would probably be the saxophone. / ***NEWS FLASH*** / RAY is in a WHEELCHAIR! Oh my goodness! The guys are bringing him up the back steps! What happened?! / ***MORE NEWS IN A JIFFY*** / [[Italicized]] / ROAST BEEF CORNER / Oh uh hey everybody this is Roast Beef now. Philippe couldn't keep up with what I was saying but basically the dudes wanted to keep Ray around here until he's off his Zeke. Blue robes and stuff at that facility, man. Not a cool scene. / [[Philippe writes]] / Thank you, Roast Beef! I guess Ray got hit on the head with a baseball "so hard that for six times he is saying thank you in a row, just for basic door-opening"? (quote by Vlad) / [[Represented B&W photo of a nursing home facade, with a sign reading Simple Moments In-room Living]] / Caption: Ray almost stayed here for two weeks. / [[Text]] / While everybody is trying to make Ray comfortable, I will look up some facts about brains! / FACT 1: If you spread a human brain out on a table, it would be about the size of a newspaper! Better not, though. / FACT 2: The brain is the only organ that hates crime. / Ray just talked with Teodor! I typed it: / RAY: Where is my friend...Nightlife? / TEODOR: He took off as soon as you got hurt. / RAY: That is...sad. That is...bad! / TEODOR: Very good! How come? Why is it sad and bad? / RAY: It's not...rad? / TEODOR: Philippe, please stop writing this down. Ray got hurt today. Not everything he says should be public. / ME: I'm sorry. Hail Mary, full of grace, hallowed be thy name. Thy will be done, thy kingdom come, on amber waves of grain. Amen. / [[Division, then italics]] / ROAST BEEF CORNER II / Oh uh look everybody Ray is fine he is just like donked why can't we leave him alone I mean as of now we are going to. / {{Alt-text: Did Roast Beef just finagle seven million dollars?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05042007
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=05042009">http://achewood.com/?date=05042009 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05042010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05042010 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
 
Achewood - May 5, 2003 Roast Beef: What's the matter Ray You lookin' sour as hell / Ray: Oh, it's Little Nephew. He cut this album speakin' out against algebra and I'm pretty upset with him. / Roast Beef: The little dogg is against algebra That's understandable at his age / Ray: Don't you start encouragin' him, Beef! / Roast Beef: Just look at his ambitions Ray Maybe he don't like algebra so much / Roast Beef: But he cold mixed up a whole album / Roast Beef: He is bein' real here Ray / Roast Beef: Plus his rhymes are extremely tight / Ray: Hold on -- you already heard it ?! / Roast Beef: Yeah I caught it on college radio man it is really makin' the rounds / Roast Beef: Hee hee / Roast Beef: Don't be like X is 5 If 5 is what you mean / Roast Beef: If 5 is what is on your mind Then baby just come clean
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05052003
Achewood - May 5, 2003 Roast Beef: What's the matter Ray You lookin' sour as hell / Ray: Oh, it's Little Nephew. He cut this album speakin' out against algebra and I'm pretty upset with him. / Roast Beef: The little dogg is against algebra That's understandable at his age / Ray: Don't you start encouragin' him, Beef! / Roast Beef: Just look at his ambitions Ray Maybe he don't like algebra so much / Roast Beef: But he cold mixed up a whole album / Roast Beef: He is bein' real here Ray / Roast Beef: Plus his rhymes are extremely tight / Ray: Hold on -- you already heard it ?! / Roast Beef: Yeah I caught it on college radio man it is really makin' the rounds / Roast Beef: Hee hee / Roast Beef: Don't be like X is 5 If 5 is what you mean / Roast Beef: If 5 is what is on your mind Then baby just come clean / {{alt: a woman is like a variable}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05052003
Achewood - May 5, 2003 - Baby Just Come Clean [[We see the door to Ray's office. The window bears the logo of "PRIME TIME RECORDS." A plaque below reads, "RAY SMUCKLES - PRESIDENT."]] / Roast Beef: What's the matter Ray You lookin' sour as hell / [[Ray sits at his desk as Roast Beef stands in front, smoking a cigarette.]] / Ray: Oh, it's Little Nephew. He cut this album speakin' out against algebra and I'm pretty upset with him. / Roast Beef: The little dogg is against algebra That's understandable at his age / Ray: Don't you start encouragin' him, Beef! / Roast Beef: Just look at his ambitions Ray Maybe he don't like algebra so much / Roast Beef: But he cold mixed up a whole album / Roast Beef: He is bein' real here Ray / Roast Beef: Plus his rhymes are extremely tight / Ray: Hold on--you already heard it?! / Roast Beef: Yeah I caught it on college radio man it is really makin' the rounds / Roast Beef: Hee hee / Roast Beef: Don't be like X is 5 If 5 is what you mean / Roast Beef: If 5 is what is on your mind Then baby just come clean / {{alt-text: a woman is like a variable}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05052003
Achewood - May 5, 2004 [[Ray, Téodor, and Roast Beef are standing outside.]] / Ray: Man, the adult film industry is really gettin' rocked by all these HIV outbreaks. / Téodor: I know. I think the whole production system shuts down for like a month every time a new case pops up. / Ray: I wonder if it's havin' any effect on the LA economy, you know, with all those folks outta work... / Roast Beef: I bet you can pick up late model convertible Mustangs for a song right now / Roast Beef: Jenna Jameson all cooking Mickey Mouse pancakes at Disneyland / [[Téodor shakes his head.]] / Roast Beef: Her convertible Mustang running on fumes / Roast Beef: Two payments behind / Roast Beef: Peter North selling brushes door to door / Roast Beef: All barrel for a suit and half a coconut in some crude semblance of a business-like derby / Roast Beef: Denver Boot on his convertible Mustang / {{title text: Pornography is the official consumer base of the convertible Mustang}} / {{comic links to http://www.montrealmustang.org/membres/renald_gervais-2.jpg}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05052004
Achewood - May 5, 2005 [[Téodor and Roast Beef talk in the kitchen. Behind them, Ray, with wild white hair and a pipe, is behind them, holding a frying pan at the stove.]] / Téodor: What's up with Ray and that wig? / Roast Beef: Oh uh he thinks he's channeling Einstein / [[Ray turns toward them, still holding a pan.]] / Téodor: Really. / Roast Beef: Yeah he wrote down this equation that actually seemed to spell out a word / [[Ray is now standing at attention.]] / Roast Beef: Now he's all like those people who say they see the Virgin Mary in a latke / [[Ray's eyebrows show displeasure. Téodor and Roast Beef nod at each other.]] / [[All are silent.]] / Ray: Screw you guys. / [[Ray suddenly makes a very rude gesture, involving two fingers in a V and his tongue. Téodor and Roast Beef both slam their eyes shut in disgust.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05052005
Achewood - May 5, 2005 [[Téodor and Roast Beef talk in the kitchen. Behind them, Ray, with wild white hair and a pipe, is behind them, holding a frying pan at the stove.]] / Téodor: What's up with Ray and that wig? / Roast Beef: Oh uh he thinks he's channeling Einstein / [[Ray turns toward them, still holding a pan.]] / Téodor: Really. / Roast Beef: Yeah he wrote down this equation that actually seemed to spell out a word / [[Ray is now standing at attention.]] / Roast Beef: Now he's all like those people who say they see the Virgin Mary in a latke / [[Ray's eyebrows show displeasure. Téodor and Roast Beef nod at each other.]] / [[All are silent.]] / Ray: Screw you guys. / [[Ray suddenly makes a very rude gesture, involving two fingers in a V and his tongue. Téodor and Roast Beef both slam their eyes shut and cringe in disgust.]] / {{In the end, Ray stung his friends with the acrimonious, universal signifier of insincere cunnilingus.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05052005
Achewood - May 5, 2005 [[Téodor and Roast Beef talk in the kitchen. Behind them, Ray, with wild white hair and a pipe, is behind them, holding a frying pan at the stove.]] / Téodor: What's up with Ray and that wig? / Roast Beef: Oh uh he thinks he's channeling Einstein / [[Ray turns toward them, still holding a pan.]] / Téodor: Really. / Roast Beef: Yeah he wrote down this equation that actually seemed to spell out a word / [[Ray is now standing at attention.]] / Roast Beef: Now he's all like those people who say they see the Virgin Mary in a latke / [[Ray's eyebrows show displeasure. Téodor and Roast Beef nod at each other.]] / [[All are silent.]] / Ray: Screw you guys. / [[Ray suddenly makes a very rude gesture, involving two fingers in a V and his tongue. Téodor and Roast Beef both slam their eyes shut in disgust. / {{title text: In the end, Ray stung his friends with the acrimonious, universal signifier of insincere cunnilingus.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05052005
Achewood - May 5, 2006 <> / Philippe: Oh no! I'm under attack by cods! Oh my goodness! / Philippe: They're probably six feet long! / Philippe: GO AWAY! GO AWAY STUPID CODS! / Philippe: GO AWAY! / <> / Téodor: The cooler's still there! It must have just been a cheesy TV smoke missile! / Téodor: ...some doctored-up Estes Comanche with a D engine, covered in more black paint! / Téodor: This interface isn't so bad. Let's see...Rescue: Grappling Hook: Drop: Begin. / <> / Philippe: I must be on the spout of a giant whale! When he stops blowing, I'll fall hundreds of feet and break my neck! / <> / Philippe: How come I'm not falling? Am I on a cloud? What if...what if I died and I'm in heaven? Maybe God lets you skip the scary part of dying...I should thank him if he has time to meet with me... / God: Hello, young man. Peter said you wanted to meet with me? / God: What does this concern, precisely? / Philippe: I...I just wanted to say thank you for being God and for making my life good! I'll miss it, but I'm glad I'm here with You. / Philippe: Wow! Thank you for the free toothbrush! Oh my gosh, it even has your phone number on the side! That way I can Consult you in times of crisis! / Téodor: Philippe? / {{alt text: confused and half-crazed with fatigue, the boy equates God with dentistry.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05052006
Achewood - May 5, 2006 - Philippe imagines God [[Inside the cooler, Philippe is being buffetted by the explosion.]] / <> / Philippe: Oh no! I'm under attack by cods! Oh my goodness! / Philippe: They're probably six feet long! / Philippe: GO AWAY! GO AWAY STUPID CODS! / Philippe: GO AWAY! / [[In the helicopter, Téodor breaks the fake headset.]] / <> / [[Téodor looks out at the ocean and sees..]] / Téodor: (thinks) The cooler's still there! It must have just been a cheesy TV smoke missile! / Téodor: ...some doctored-up Estes Comanche with a D engine, covered in more black paint! / Téodor: (thinks) This interface isn't so bad. Let's see...Rescue: Grappling Hook: Drop: Begin. / <> / [[The helicopter's grappling hook descends...]] / [[... and lifts the cooler.]] / [[Closeup of the cooler in the grappling hook.]] / Philippe: I must be on the spout of a giant whale! When he stops blowing, I'll fall hundreds of feet and break my neck! / [[The cooler is inside and the helicopter bay doors close.]] / <> / Philippe: How come I'm not falling? Am I on a cloud? What if...what if I died and I'm in heaven? Maybe God lets you skip the scary part of dying...I should thank him if he has time to meet with me... / God: Hello, young man. Peter said you wanted to meet with me? / God: What does this concern, precisely? / Philippe: [[wearing a halo]] I...I just wanted to say thank you for being God and for making my life good! I'll miss it, but I'm glad I'm here with You. / [[Téodor is about to open the cooler lid as a voice comes from inside...]] / Philippe: Wow! Thank you for the free toothbrush! Oh my gosh, it even has your phone number on the side! That way I can Consult you in times of crisis! / Téodor: Philippe? / {{alt text: confused and half-crazed with fatigue, the boy equates God with dentistry.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05052006
Achewood - May 6, 2002 [[Cornelius is reading the paper]] / Lyle: Hey, did the Lakers win last night? / Cornelius: I don't know. I gave the Sports section to Philippe. / Lyle: Since when does he like sports? / Cornelius: He's doing a pretend news show in the living room. / [[Philippe is in a cardboard television, broadcasting to an audience of Vlad.]] / Philippe: And today in Sports! ...ahem... Washington safety Curtis Williams always smiled, even confined to a wheelchair, paralyzed from the neck down... / {{A hundred actors, a thousand emotions -- achewood.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05062002
 
Achewood - May 6, 2003 Ray: Look at you, all dressin' the fool! What's gotten into you Little Nephew? / Little Nephew: Why you all up in my grill, Uncle Ray? Why you stickin' your wet noze all up in my shizzito? / Ray: What did you just say?! / Little Nephew: Seriously! Y'all be like a queer Jack Frost, cold nippin' at my hose! / Ray: Care to REPEAT that, little man? I don't think I HEARD you! / Little Nephew: What are you deaf? Hey all y'all Drunkle Ray nees a hearing aid! / Little Nephew: He pours his vodka so loud that he wakes up the maid! His junk is so numb he can't tell if he's laid! Is it the booze or 'cause is bozack is flayed? / {{Alt Text: The hos have you use sign language if they want to get paid}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05062003
Achewood - May 6, 2003 - His Bozack is Flayed [[Ray is looking down upon Little Nephew, who is dressed in a backwards baseball cap and a T-shirt bearing his initials, "Ln." / Ray: Look at you, all dressin' the fool! What's gotten into you, Little Nephew? / Little Nephew: Why you all up in my grill, Uncle Ray? Why you stickin' your wet nose all up my shizzito? / Ray: What did you just say?! / Little Nephew: Seriously! Y'all be like a queer Jack Frost, cold nippin' at my hose! / Ray: Care to REPEAT that, little man? I don't think I HEARD you! / Little Nephew: What, are you deaf? / Little Nephew: Hey all y'all, Drunkle Ray needs a hearing aid! / Little Nephew: He pours his vodka so loud that he wakes up the maid! / Little Nephew: His junk is so numb he can't tell if he's laid! / Little Nephew: Is it the booze or 'cause his bozack is flayed? / {{alt-text: The hos have to use sign language if they want to get paid}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05062003
Achewood - May 6, 2004 OK Phillippe it's time to work on your campaign some more / Did you make a list of things that you would do if you were President like I asked / No! / Ok it's getting closer to the summer campaigning season so maybe let's work on that a little today / Okay! / Yaaaay! / Good then now what is your opinion on the socialization of health care / No opinion! / THAT EVENING. / aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh / Hey there Jackie D / Tuck me in and be my breakfast
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05062004
Achewood - May 6, 2004 [[Roast Beef is sitting at a desk with pen and paper while wearing a short-sleeved white dress shirt and a black tie. Philippe is standing next to the desk.]] / Roast Beef: OK Philippe it's time to work on your campaign some more / Roast Beef: Did you make a list of things that you would do if you were President like I asked / Philippe: No! / Roast Beef: OK it's getting closer to the summer campaigning season so maybe let's work on that a little today / Philippe: Okay! / Philippe: Yaaaay! / Roast Beef: Good then now what is your opinion on the socialization of health care / Philippe: (singing) No opinion! / Narration: THAT EVENING. / [[Roast Beef is sitting on a couch in a darkened room, holding a liquor bottle in one paw and a glass in the other.]] / Roast Beef: aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh / Roast Beef: Hey there Jackie D / Roast Beef: Tuck me in and be my breakfast
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05062004
Achewood - May 6, 2004 Roast Beef: OK Phillippe it's time to work on your campaign some more / Did you make a list of things that you would do if you were President like I asked / Phillipe:No! / Roast Beef: Ok it's getting closer to the summer campaigning season so maybe let's work on that a little today / Phillipe: Okay! / Phillipe: Yaaaay! / Roast Beef: Good then now what is your opinion on the socialization of health care / Philippe: No opinion! [singing] / THAT EVENING. / Roast Beef, drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle: aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh / Hey there Jackie D / Tuck me in and be my breakfast
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05062004
Achewood - May 6, 2008 Molly: Beef? Baby? Want to come watch Dancing With The Stars with me? / Roast Beef: Oh uh sorry babe can't let up got to make this money while i still got famousness / <> / [[Interventions: Dogg You Got Too Fat Lately (inside) You Gonna Die]] / [[Micro-Events: Hey! (inside) I'll Be in the Living Room; So... (inside) I Registered the Car]] / [[Moths: AAAAAAAH MOTHS (inside) AAAAAAAAAAAAH]] / [[Paranoia: I Taingeted a Guy and He Saw Me Pull into the Driveway Do You Think He's Going to Come Back Later and Throw a Rock Through My Windshield]] / [[She's Mad: I'm Sorry I Had Beer at Daytime]] / [[In airplane]] / Roast Beef: Alright so let's see I got Darren in the Evening at KDLS and then Mike in the Morning at KHST and in the twelve hours between I can pump our maybe six dozen real good new cards / Flight Attendant: Sir, can I freshen your Chivas? / Roast Beef: Oh hee sure almost but uh no thanks I got to come up with some new cards for this greeting card line I got that's doin' OK lately [[thinking]] Dang man but look at those union curves... / Flight Attendant: Oh my gosh! You're not... THE Roast Beef? I just gave my ex one of your cards! / Roast Beef: Oh heh you must mean "Our Marriage is Like a Dead Dog / The County Will Get Rid of it" / Flight Attendant: Right! We...we're not supposed to do this, but...let me bring you one more. On me. You're not staying at the Palm Sheraton, are you? / Roast Beef: Man that is crazy 'cause yes I am and thank you / {{Never turst a woman bearing Chivas.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05062008
Achewood - May 7, 2002 Ray: Roast Beef! Why are you bringing me breakfast in bed? / Roast Beef: I guess I had trouble sleeping / Ray: These pancakes look delicious! Thank you! Ooh, and a tasty Bloody Mary.. what a treat! / Roast Beef: Did you know that I want to commit suicide? / {{I think it's so hilarious that that cat wants to commit suicide!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05072002
Rhymedown 2003 [[Ray is seated on an overstuffed sofa. Little Nephew is standing next to it.]] / Little Nephew: Well look who it is, all sitting down on the couch! / It's old Uncle Ray, I can tell by the pouch! / Little Nephew: He's got his remotes, he's got one of each kind! / Too bad they don't make one that turns on his mind! / Ray: Who pulled the string on this cliched hip hop minion? / Who's this underage knockoff with his store bought opinion? / Little Nephew: Am I bein' dissed by the brontosaurus of rhyme? / There's cave art of you freakin' to Morris Day and the Time! / Ray: Watch it little man because you're on thin ice! / Ain't you the one who just got sent home with lice? / Little Nephew: Listen old man don't make me come down on you harder! / Rhyming against me don't make you no suicide martyr! / Little Nephew: How did it feel when you picked out two caskets-- / One for each nut that they plucked from your basket?! / {{alt-text: You got animal hide Reeboks and your mullet's a mess!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05072003
Achewood - May 7, 2003 - Rhymedown 2003 [[Ray is seated on an overstuffed sofa. Little Nephew is standing next to it.]] / Little Nephew: Well look who it is, all sitting down on the couch! / Little Nephew: It's old Uncle Ray, I can tell by the pouch! / Little Nephew: He's got his remotes, he's got one of each kind! / Little Nephew: Too bad they don't make one that turns on his mind! / Ray: Who pulled the string on this clichéd hip hop minion? / Ray: Who's this underage knockoff with his store bought opinion? / Little Nephew: Am I bein' dissed by the brontosaurus of rhyme? / Little Nephew: There's cave art of you freakin' to Morris Day and the Time! / Ray: Watch it little man because you're on thin ice! / Ray: Ain't you the one who just got sent home with lice? / Little Nephew: Listen old man don't make me come down on you harder! / Little Nephew: Rhyming against me don't make you no suicide martyr! / Little Nephew: How did it feel when you picked out two caskets-- / Little Nephew: One for each nut that they plucked from your basket?! / {{alt-text: You got animal hide Reeboks and your mullet's a mess!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05072003
 
Achewood - May 7, 2004 Peter and the WOLF, motherfuckin eBay! / Yes, that's right! / PROKOFIEV, you fuck smellers! / I just want to buy the Peter and The wolf CD, damn you! / BANG BANG BANG / No, god dammit! / I DON'T want the one Kirstie Alley narrated! / No! I DON'T want the one David Bowie narrated! / Oh my GOD I don't want the Weird Al version! / Holy MOTHER OF PUSSY do I not want the Bobby McFerrin version!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05072004
Achewood - May 7, 2004 Roast Beef: Peter and the WOLF, motherfuckin eBay! Yes, that's right! / PROKOFIEV, you fuck smellers! / I just want to buy the Peter and The wolf CD, damn you! / (BANG BANG BANG) / Roast Beef: No, god dammit! I DON'T want the one Kirstie Alley narrated! / No! I DON'T want the one David Bowie narrated! / Oh my GOD I don't want the Weird Al version! / Holy MOTHER OF PUSSY do I not want the Bobby McFerrin version! (BANG BANG BANG)
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05072004
Achewood - May 7, 2004 [[Roast Beef is sitting at his computer, typing.]] / Roast Beef: (thinking) Peter and The WOLF, motherfuckin' eBay! / Roast Beef: (thinking) Yes, that's right! / <> / Roast Beef: (thinking) PROKOFIEV, you fuck smellers! / <> / Roast Beef: (thinking) I just want to buy the Peter and the Wolf CD, damn you! / <> / [[Roast Beef pounds on the keyboard.]] / <> / Roast Beef: (thinking) No, god dammit! / Roast Beef: (thinking) I DON'T want the one Kirstie Alley narrated! / <> / Roast Beef: (thinking) No! I DON'T want the one David Bowie narrated! / <> / Roast Beef: (thinking) Oh my GOD I don't want the Weird Al version! / <> / [[Roast Beef pounds on the keyboard again.]] / Roast Beef: (thinking) Holy MOTHER OF PUSSY do I not want the Bobby McFerrin version! / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05072004
Peter and the Wolf [[Roast Beef is sitting at his computer.]] / Roast Beef: Peter and the WOLF, motherfuckin eBay ! / Yes, that's right! / <> / Roast Beef: PROKOFIEV, you fuck smellers ! / <> / Roast Beef: I just want to buy the Peter and the Wolf CD, damn you ! / [[Roast Beef bangs his fist on the desk]] / <> / Roast Beef: No, god dammit ! / I DON'T want the one Kirstie Alley narrated ! / <> / Roast Beef: No ! I DON'T want the one David Bowie narrated ! / <> / Roast Beef: Oh my GOD I don't want the Weird Al version ! / <> / [[Beef raises his fists and starts shaking]] / Roast Beef: Holy MOTHER OF PUSSY do I not want the Bobby McFerrin version ! / <> / {{alt-text: Roast Beef Falls Down}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05072004
Achewood - May 7, 2007 [[Ray, in retarded bliss, is approached by Roast Beef]] / Roast Beef: Alright Ray I'm here with your afternoon Guess Basket / Ray: Hi, Beef! Ooh! Guess Basket! Guess Basket! I been lookin' forward to this, man! / [[Close up of Roast Beef's hand. He is holding two dice]] / Roast Beef: Okay Ray in my hand I am holding...a pair of dice / Roast Beef: Can you guess what they are for / [[Ray thinks hard]] / Ray: Dice are...from Arabia! They symbolize math! Wait, no...they...they modify an existing game! I...DAMN. Man, I can almost taste it... / [[Roast Beef is surprised]] / Roast Beef: Actually man that is real good that was close on a few concepts! / [[Ray smiles]] / Roast Beef: I mean your neural pathways are really gettin' better since last week when I showed you that peach and you got all embarrassed and asked if I could put its pants back on / Ray: Heh! Somethin' about that little fruit really touched the sex receptacle in my brain! I still feel weird about it. / {{PREVIOUSLY.}} / [[Ray holds his arms out in defense, looking away from Roast Beef, who holds a peach]] / Ray: Just...It needs to get dressed. Please. / Roast Beef: This is a peach Ray this is fruit and fruit don't never wear pants / Ray: I don't like what you're doing here. I don't feel like I have a lot of outs. / {{Alt-text: Ray meant Pleasure Center}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05072007
Achewood - May 7, 2008 - An Appreciated Man [[Plane flying through the sky.]] / Flight Attendant: Okay Mister Roast Beer sir, we're about to prepare for landing! Care to share a taxi with me to the hotel? / Roast Beef: I would never allow a lady to travel along with an unproven chauffeur ! / Flight Attendant: Oh, Mister Beef. You are SUCH a gentleman. Meet me at the stand outside Terminal B? / Roast Beef: That is a DATE / Roast Beef: Oh hee man I just can't do no wrong with the ladies today ! Maybe I can run some card ideas past her during dinner since she is recently divorced and has an angle on that way of things / Caption: OUTSIDE [[The flight attendant sees Beef and waves, 4 panels.]] / [[Beef looking bemused.]] / [[Beef looking up as the light is chopped up around him, 4 panels.]] / Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Heh dang man a helicopter between me and the sun is chopping up the light / / Caption: AT THE HOTEL RESTAURANT / Flight Attendant: Oh Roast Beef, you are SO smart and SO funny! It's no wonder you finally found your fame! / Flight Attendant: My gosh, and look how strong your arms are! I'd never expect that such a thoughtful man would be so strong! / Roast Beef: Heh well yes I guess I am a main Honcho of things / Flight Attendant: I...I'm usually not this forward...but I have such a good feeling about this...Beef, are you...are you a kinky boy? Do you like it...you know...orally? [[Beef is stunned.]] / {{Her definition of kinky is so White Keds in Dallas}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05072008
Achewood - May 8, 2002 - Ray's Startup #1 [[Ray is standing behind Roast Beef, who is sitting at his computer.]] / Ray: Roast Beef! Why are you programming that computer? / Roast Beef: I guess it's the only thing that I'm really good at / Ray: What are you programming it to do? / Roast Beef: This spreadsheet would tell a person when they needed to buy eggs or milk / Roast Beef: Based on how much eggs or milk they started with / [[Light blub goes on over Ray's head]] / [[SOON]] / Ray: [[Talking into telephone]] That's right, sir. Based on how much eggs or milk you started with. Could I interest you in a trial version? / Roast Beef: I also wrote a function that calculates how much hash browns to make / {{alt text: mummbl mumble mrrmumble}}
http://achewood.com/?date=05082002
Achewood - May 8, 2002 [[Ray approaches Roast Beef as he uses a computer]] / Ray: Roast Beef! Why are you programming that computer? / Roast Beef: I guess it's the only thing I'm really good at / Ray: What are you programming it to do? / Roast Beef: This spreadsheet would tell a person when they needed to buy eggs or milk / Roast Beef: Based on how much eggs or milk they started with / [[A Lightbulb appears over Ray's head]] / SOON: / [[Ray has donned a business suit and headset]] / Ray: That's right, sir. Based on how much eggs or milk you started with. Could I interest you in a trial version? / Roast Beef: I also wrote a function that calculates how much hash browns to make
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05082002
Achewood - May 8, 2002 [[Ray approaches Roast Beef as he uses a computer]] / Ray: Roast Beef! Why are you programming that computer? / Roast Beef: I guess it's the only thing that I'm really good at / Ray: What are you programming it to do? / Roast Beef: This spreadsheet would tell a person when they needed to buy eggs or milk / Roast Beef: Based on how much eggs or milk they started with / [[A Lightbulb appears over Ray's head]] / Narrator: SOON / [[Ray has donned a business suit and headset]] / Ray: That's right, sir. Based on how much eggs or milk you started with. Could I interest you in a trial version? / Roast Beef: I also wrote a function that calculates how much hash browns to make / {{mummbl mumble mrrmumble}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05082002
Ten Million Kids In Fedoras [[Ray is pointing.]] / Ray: Alright now, that's it! You are off to your room! / Your fifteen minutes are up and it's time for the broom! / Ray: Like American Idol all mixed with Survivor, / I vote you off this island, little free verse MacGyver! / Little Nephew: You think you can quell me? I got DSL! / I'm spreadin' my rhymes all the way to The Well! / Little Nephew: I've got all the messageboards under my spell! / Ten million kids in fedoras downloadin' my yell! / Ray: If you like the Web well then fine you can have it! / All those aviator glasses, watchin' anime rabbits! / Ray: My fans roll all real in sleek black Escalades! / Your fans be all worried 'bout their D&D trades! / [[Ray crosses his arms and puts his hands on his knees (classic Charleston move).]] / [[Ray uncrosses his arms, swapping his hands on his knees as he opens them.]] / [[Ray returns to his original position.]] / {{alt-text: plus black velcro reeboks and jean shorts}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05082003
Achewood - May 8, 2003 - Ten Million Kids In Fedoras [[Ray is pointing.]] / Ray: Alright now, that's it! You are off to your room! / Ray: Your fifteen minutes are up and it's time for the broom! / Ray: Like American Idol all mixed with Survivor, / Ray: I vote you off of this island, little free verse MacGyver! / Little Nephew: You think you can quell me? I got DSL! / Little Nephew: I'm spreadin' my rhymes all the way to The Well! / Little Nephew: I've got all the messageboards under my spell! / Little Nephew: Ten million kids in fedoras downloadin' my yell! / Ray: If you like the Web well then fine you can have it! / Ray: All those aviator glasses, watchin' anime rabbits! / Ray: My fans roll all real in sleek black Escalades! / Ray: Your fans be all worried 'bout their D&D trades! / [[Ray crosses his arms and puts his hands on his knees (classic Charleston move).]] / [[Ray uncrosses his arms, swapping his hands on his knees as he opens them.]] / [[Ray returns to his original position.]] / {{alt-text: plus black velcro reeboks and jean shorts}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05082003
 

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