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| Achewood - June 3, 2005 | {{Ray dropped his medallion in the Volvo of Despair. It has hell of properties, perhaps enough to save Beef (who is still trapped in the Volvo) although Mr. Bear is skeptical.}}
/ [[Ray and Mr. Bear arguing outside]]
/ Ray: Fine, then! Don't be any help at all! BE completely a dick! / [[Ray is on the cell phone, waiting for Beef to pick up]] / Ray: Yo Beef! Hey, man. Yo: did I, like, completely leave my medallion in the Volvo? / [[Ray listens]] / [[Back view]]
/ Ray: Phew! Oh, good. Good, man. RELIEF. Jesus. / [[Front view]]
/ Ray: Listen, would you do me a big favor and put it around your neck for safekeeping? / Ray: No, I'd really feel better if you wore it. It might fall out if you put it in your pocket. / Ray: Cool. Thanks, man. You got it around your neck now? / [[Ray smiles.]] / Ray [[Satisfied expression]]: Feels kinda nice, huh? Yeah, it's got a real good weight to it! / [[Back view]]
/ Ray: Heh! Yeah, it IS kind of like there's a party around your neck, and everyone within reason is invited! / [[Front view. Ray seems just a little distressed.]]
/ Ray: I...hold on, what? / Ray: Okay, uh huh, right. I, uh...Ray loves you too. / Ray: Uh, no, I guess we don't say it enough. / Ray [[definitely not feeling very good about this scene]]: Well, that's the thing. I think promising to say it every day is kind of too much, you know?
/ Ray: It would be like if the Queen woke you up every morning. Too Special. / {{alt-text: After a while it would just be like Hey come on there is so much pressure to look really decent}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032005 |
| Wedding Menu | [[Molly and Téodor are walking or something.]]
/ Téodor: Okay, so for the wedding menu -- did you guys have anything in mind?
/ Molly: Well, you know Beef's greek, so-- / Téodor: --so he wants to drink wine that taste like it got to third base with a schnauzer?
/ Molly: You've had restina? He made me try it when his uncle came to visit. / Téodor: Yeah it was like drinking a melted Iditarod. I was all, "DID THE DOGS JUST DO NUMBER ONE WHEREVER?" and the flavor was all, "WORK IT OUT, EINSTEIN." / [[Molly is now hugging Téodor.]]
/ Molly: Oh, Téodor. Thanks for making me laugh. This whole planning process needs to be more fun.
/ Téodor (thinking): Stop thinking about scoring with her, you lousy bastard. / [[The hug continues.]]
/ Téodor: With no family around, it must be really hard. You want to... to talk about it?
/ Téodor (thinking): Quit saying the right thing! And quit getting hard! / [[Still hugging.]]
/ Molly: Oh my god. Really?
/ Téodor (thinking): Quit knowing this is exactly how you'd hold her during lovemaking! Quit smelling her hair! Quit seeing her peaceful face on your pillow in the pale blue cast of dawn! / {{title text: Yo YO who has had a girlfriend whose sleeping face they loved in the pale blue cast of dawn WOOT WOOT raise the ROOF!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032008 |
| Achewood - June 4, 2002 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are standing near a wall. Pat is walking by]] / Ray: Hey, did Pat's fancy new hat!
/ Roast Beef: What a nice new pork pie hat Pat / [[Pat turns around to look at them]]
/ Ray: Hey Pat, stock market been treatin' you well?
/ Roast Beef: Where's your Rolls Royce Pat / Ray: So, Pat, what's caviar like? Pretty good?
/ Roast Beef: Is caviar pretty good stuff Pat / [[Pat angerly walks away]]
/ Ray: Pat! Wait! I have a date tonight! Can I borrow the hat?
/ Roast Beef: Please let him borrow it dude / Caption: Later
/ [[Pat, in towel about to step into the bath tub]]
/ Pat: Man, what a couple of fools. / [[Pat pulls back the shower curtain to reveal Ray and Roast Beef wearing similar hats]] / {{alt text: We are interested in your adoptable dog}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042002 |
| Achewood - June 4, 2002 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are standing near a wall. Pat is walking by]] / Ray: Hey, did Pat's fancy new hat!
/ Roast Beef: What a nice new pork pie hat Pat / [[Pat turns around to look at them]]
/ Ray: Hey Pat, stock market been treatin' you well?
/ Roast Beef: Where's your Rolls Royce Pat / Ray: So, Pat, what's caviar like? Pretty good?
/ Roast Beef: Is caviar pretty good stuff Pat / [[Pat angerly walks away]]
/ Ray: Pat! Wait! I have a date tonight! Can I borrow the hat?
/ Roast Beef: Please let him borrow it dude / Caption: Later
/ [[Pat, in towel about to step into the bath tub]]
/ Pat: Man, what a couple of fools. / [[Pat pulls back the shower curtain to reveal Ray and Roast Beef wearing similar hats]] / {{alt text: We are interested in your adoptable dog}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042002 |
| Achewood - June 4, 2002 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are standing near a wall. Pat is walking by]] / Ray: Hey, did Pat's fancy new hat!
/ Roast Beef: What a nice new pork pie hat Pat / [[Pat turns around to look at them]]
/ Ray: Hey Pat, stock market been treatin' you well?
/ Roast Beef: Where's your Rolls Royce Pat / Ray: So, Pat, what's caviar like? Pretty good?
/ Roast Beef: Is caviar pretty good stuff Pat / [[Pat angerly walks away]]
/ Ray: Pat! Wait! I have a date tonight! Can I borrow the hat?
/ Roast Beef: Please let him borrow it dude / Caption: Later
/ [[Pat, in towel about to step into the bath tub]]
/ Pat: Man, what a couple of fools. / [[Pat pulls back the shower curtain to reveal Ray and Roast Beef wearing similar hats]] / {{alt text: We are interested in your adoptable dog}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042002 |
| Achewood - June 4, 2003 | Ray: Beef, you got the wrong idea about music videos! / Ray: Now why don't you just try again! I know you can do better!
/ Roast Beef: Shucks man I don't know about this / Ray: Just make it fun to watch! That's all people want! Just make it a party! / [[Roast Beef thinks]] / LATER THAT NIGHT
/ [[Roast Beef is writing furiously on his computer]] / [[Pages of a script]]
/ SCENE ONE
/ Ray goes to his favorite childhood chinese restaurant
/ But it is out of business
/ He's all like "Enough o' this!"
/ He sets up his piano inside and starts to play
/ All these people show up and are all dancing (to the music)
/ Suddenly the restaurant is in business again / CON'T
/ The chinese chef is dancing around with everyone and holding a ladle, all goin' nuts
/ Ray sees a beautiful lady
/ They get into a limo; the limo peels out (lots of smoke)
/ A child picks up a faded chinese menu, looks up
/ The restaurant is out of business again
/ It was all a dream...OR WAS IT?
/ END http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042003 |
| Achewood - June 4, 2004 | [[A robed Roast Beef is falling before a backdrop of stars.]] / [[Ray turns his head to see Roast Beef in the doorway getting shot by Uncle Culpepper's bullet.]] / [[Further out shot. Roast Beef is still falling.]] / [[Ray turns his torso to see Roast Beef falling dead.]] / [[Further out shot. Roast Beef is falling a little more head-first.]] / [[Ray quickly turns back and returns fire. Roast Beef lies dead in the background.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/?date=06042004 |
| Achewood - June 4, 2004 | [[Roast Beef Is floating through space, ever nearer to heaven while Ray gets in a shootout with his Uncle Culpepper in the ER]]
/ {{no dialogue}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042004 |
| The Ring. | [[Roast Beef is standing in front of a Tiffany & Co. store, contemplating on entering it.]] / [[Roast Beef walks away.]]
/ Roast Beef, thinking: Man I can't go in there and buy a ring they'd probably throw a shoe at me or try to lure me out with a rubber Kid Rock CD / [[Roast Beef grinds his teeth.]]
/ Roast Beef, thinking: But I ain't want to go to a no reputation joint I mean I ain't know a diamond from extremely great salt Dude could sell me a kidney stone from a Mongolian Land Rat and I'd be all "oh how glamorous just like Charlize Theron in that one scene" / Narrator: IT BEARS RESEARCH.
/ [[Roast Beef is sitting in front of a computer reading information on diamonds, which appears in the background as floating texts.]]
/ Text: THE FOR C'S:
/ CUT
/ COLOR
/ CLARITY
/ COMPLETELY BULLSHIT
/ GEM QUALITY RATING SYSTEM THAT MEANS NOTHING TO THE NAKED EYE ONCE YOU LEAVE THE STORE
/ Text: AFRICAN BLOOD DIAMONDS FINANCE THE MURDER OF CHILDREN
/ Text: OPERATION H.E.T.E.R.O.S.E.X S.C.H.M.U.C.K. / [[Close-up of a welding gun and a "ring" with a circuit board on top.]]
/ Roast Beef from off-frame: Man diamonds ain't special but that they cost so damn much How about a little board blinkin' 03-10-03 the day we met at least that has somethin' to do with anything / {{alt-text: Tiffany & Co. is the nation's largest importer of zero-liability Kid Rock CD simulacra.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042007 |
| Wedding Vows | [[The Dude and Catastrophe sign]]
/ Cornelius: So, have you two lovebirds given any thought to your wedding vows? / [[Roast Beef stands, paw to his jaw in concentration. Cornelius is busy behind the bar, grabbing a bottle and snifter.]]
/ Roast Beef: Man well uh like ain't people like the most bored by thtat point and ain't listenin' and such
/ So you could be like "Roast Beef do you promise to grow old and doodle up your britches and die" and I'd go "probably" and no one would notice / [[Roast Beef looks at the snifter slowly filling with alcohol as Cornelius pours from a bottle]]
/ Cornelius: The vows--to be a faithful partner, in sickness and in health, all that--actually will come into play at some point, and should be on the record.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042008 |
| Wedding Vows | [[The Dude and Catastrophe sign]]
/ Cornelius: So, have you two lovebirds given any thought to your wedding vows? / [[Roast Beef stands, paw to his jaw in concentration. Cornelius is busy behind the bar, grabbing a bottle and snifter.]]
/ Roast Beef: Man well uh like ain't people like the most bored by thtat point and ain't listenin' and such
/ So you could be like "Roast Beef do you promise to grow old and doodle up your britches and die" and I'd go "probably" and no one would notice / [[Roast Beef looks at the snifter slowly filling with alcohol as Cornelius pours from a bottle]]
/ Cornelius: The vows--to be a faithful partner, in sickness and in health, all that--actually will come into play at some point, and should be on the record.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042008 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06042009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - June 5, 2002 | Teodor: Hey everybody, let's get hats!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06052002 |
| Achewood - June 5, 2003 | [[Lyle looks on at Cornelius Bear as Cornelius types at a computer. Lyle is holding a bottle of whiskey.]]
/ Lyle: Hold on -- you have a blog?
/ Cornelius Bear: I certainly do.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06052003 |
| Achewood - June 5, 2006 | [[Teodor, behind his door]]
/ Teodor: YAH! YAHH! Look at the GENIUS! Look at him stand in his ROOM! / Roast Beef: Alright Ray we gonna do somethin' kind of nutty to catch him. What's the biggest speaker you got at your house right now / Ray: Huh. Let's see… I think the 22' Jackhammer Subwoofer I just put in the Escalade. It's 6,000 watts.
/ Roast Beef: Go fetch it and get back here snappity / [[Title: SOON. Ray stands with massive speaker.]]
/ Ray: Check it out, dude! It's so heavy I had to use Mr. Wheels! / Roast Beef: Oh dang I ain't seen Mr. Wheels in basically forever. Anyhow on three we roll this in front of his door okay
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06052006 |
| Achewood - June 5, 2007 | Molly: [[From Offstage]] Hey babe! Mind if I turn down the music? / Roast Beef: OH UH OH uh hey uh I didn't realize you would not be at work because you are supposed to be at work right now !
/ [[Molly presses keys on her cell phone]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06052007 |
| Achewood - June 5, 2007 | Molly: [[From Offstage]] Hey babe! Mind if I turn down the music? / Roast Beef: OH UH OH uh hey uh I didn't realize you would not be at work because you are supposed to be at work right now !
/ [[Molly presses keys on her cell phone]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06052007 |
| Achewood - June 5, 2007 | Molly: [[From Offstage]] Hey babe! Mind if I turn down the music? / Roast Beef: OH UH OH uh hey uh I didn't realize you would not be at work because you are supposed to be at work right now !
/ [[Molly presses keys on her cell phone]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06052007 |
| Achewood - June 5, 2008 (The Pre-Nup) | [[Vlad and Beef are standing around, drinking beer.]]
/ Vlad: So, you are gettink pre-nup agreement before weddink, yes?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06052008 |
| Achewood - June 6, 2002 | [[Ray is sitting with a fork and knife]] / Ray: Roast Beef! These chimichangas are terrible!
/ Roast Beef: What's the matter with them Ray / Ray: They all soft an' crappy! How long ago did you fry them?
/ Roast Beef: Oh my / [[Close up on Roast Beef]]
/ Roast Beef: Shucks Ray I'm sorry
/ Roast Beef: I fried them I guess basically at seven this morning
/ Roast Beef: Yes basically around seven / Ray: You fried these chimichangas this morning?! Daaamn, Beef! I thought you had more sense! / Ray: Now Beef, a fried food item will only stay crispy for a short while! This is due to the== / [[Close up on Roast Beef, Ray in background still talking]]
/ Roast Beef [[thinking]]: Ray did you ever maybe think that these crummy chimihangas are my way of reaching out for help dammit / {{alt text: actual note on monitor: ADD RAY'S NIPPLES}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06062002 |
| Achewood - June 7, 2003 | [[A sign hangs above the toilet]]
/ If it's yellow let it mellow
/ If it's brown flush it down
/ If it's black call Dr. Andretti
/ 455-2123 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06062003 |
| Achewood - June 7, 2003 | [[A sign hangs above the toilet]]
/ If it's yellow let it mellow
/ If it's brown flush it down
/ If it's black call Dr. Andretti
/ 455-2123 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06062003 |
| Achewood - June 7, 2003 | [[A sign hangs above the toilet]]
/ If it's yellow let it mellow
/ If it's brown flush it down
/ If it's black call Dr. Andretti
/ 455-2123 http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06062003 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?dbbte=06062005">http://achewood.com/index.php?dbbte=06062005 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - June 6, 2007 | [[Roast Beef is sitting at the table with his electronics kit. He is not happy after Molly took the ring that was meant to be the engagement ring.]]
/ Roast Beef: Dang man if that ain't a sign I got to up and buy a real wedding ring / [[Roast Beef is now sitting in front of the computer tapping on the keyboard]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06062007 |
| Achewood - June 7, 2002 | [[ Pat is speaking to Ray on the telephone ]]
/ Ray: Pat, did yyyyyou steal my laundry!
/ Pat: I refuse to answer that question Ray. / Ray: Sayyy it, Pat! You just wanted to smell my dirty laundry, didn't yyyou?
/ Pat: You are unforgivable, Ray. / Pat: Are you drunk again?
/ Ray: Y--yes. Yes I am. / [[ Time passes, ray lounges in the tub and racks up the empty martini glasses, and makes another call ]]
/ Ray: Roast Beef, did yyyou steal my laundry?
/ Roast Beef: Uh no Ray. No, I don't believe so. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06072002 |
| Achewood - June 7, 2004 | [[A doctor is pushing Roast Beef on a gurney while Uncle Culpepper lies on another gurney]]
/ Ray: Hurry, Doc! Cold fix him up! Put it all on my tab, every penny! / Uncle Culpepper: Why, there you are dear nephew! I believe I did explore the greater half of Creation in pursuit of you!
/ Ray: Wait... what? Who are you? / Uncle Culpepper: It is I, your uncle Marion! You were to expect me on the morning train!
/ Uncle Culpepper: Are you not in receipt of my letter dated Thursday last? / [[Ray and Uncle Culpepper approach Uncle Culpepper's gurney]]
/ Ray: But... but if you're Uncle Culpepper, then who's this?
/ Uncle Culpepper: Good gracious! What a mendacious burlesque! / [[Ray tears a mask off the dead Uncle Culpepper's face]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06072004 |
| Achewood - June 7, 2005 | [[Teodor walks in on Ray and a guest in Ray's living room.]]
/ Teodor: Hey Ray, can I borrow your--oh, sorry, I didn't know you had company. / [[Closeup of Teodor; thought bubble]]
/ Teodor: Oh my god is that Circus Penis?! He looks so healthy. / [[Ray and Circus Penis smile.]]
/ Ray: Teodor! Don't you know Circus Penis?
/ Teodor [[offscreen]]: I'm sorry, I don't. / [[Long shot of all three]]
/ Ray: This dude won seven AVN adult film awards last year!
/ Ray: He's at the top of his game! / [[The shots alternate according to who is speaking.]]
/ Circus Penis: Hey, Teodor. Good to meet you, man. / Teodor: Hey, Circus Penis. How you doin'? / Circus Penis: Pretty good, man. Bought a boat, bought a plane. / Teodor: Wow! Are you starting a Circus Penis army? / Circus Penis: Heh! You know, that's a fun idea. Let's do it. / [[shot of Teodor and Ray]]
/ Teodor: Seriously? / [[Circus Penis again]]
/ Circus Penis: Circus Penis doesn't move forward unless he's serious. / Circus Penis: I'd be nowhere if I didn't trust myself.
/ Circus Penis: It's the Circus Penis way. / [[Later on, Teodor in the darkness of his room, at a desk illuminated by a single lamp. He frowns in concentration. Text in thought bubble.]]
/ Teodor: Man, we are gonna have awesome hats. / {{alt-text: Look how Ray loves to listen to men of ideas just do their thing.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06072005 |
| Achewood - June 7, 2006 | [[Teodor is holding an ice pack to his head. Ray and Roast Beef stand nearby.]]
/ Teodor: Please tell me that no one saw me.
/ Ray: Just Philippe, but we told him the metal undies were part of a game we were playin'. / [[Teodor becomes angry.]]
/ Teodor: You jackass! Now he'll want to play! He'll beg everyone to make him a pair and the secret will be out! / Ray: We got that angle, dogg. We already made him a pair.
/ Roast Beef: Dogg the best place to hide something ridiculous is out in the open you know / Ray: Teodor. If you saw a kid wearing metal underpants, would you assume that something important was going on?
/ Teodor: ...not really, no. / Ray: Precisely. Think of all the big secrets that are hidden out in the open like that!
/ Teodor: Like what? / Ray: Like crazy people! Strap a wireless "cell phone headset" to their ear, put 'em in a pressed shirt, and suddenly they're just "taxpayers on the go"!
/ Roast Beef: Watch / [[Roast Beef is wearing a beanie and holding a sign that says "Luke 12:15".]]
/ Roast Beef: DID BRIAN RECORD THE SIMPSONS WAIT IS THAT FATHER CHESTERNAK'S DOG I HEAR RUFF RUFF HEY BOY!
/ Ray: What a crazy-assed nut! I don't have time for this guy! / [[Roast Beef has taken off the beanie and ditched the sign. He affixes a wireless cell phone headset to his ear.]] / [[Roast Beef is dressed in a collared shirt and wireless headset.]]
/ Roast Beef: DID BRIAN RECORD THE SIMPSONS WAIT IS THAT FATHER CHESTERNAK'S DOG I HEAR RUFF RUFF HEY BOY!
/ Ray: It's good to have this guy in my town! He's the bomb! / Teodor: That's compelling, but what about when the underpants have their effect on him? / Ray: Dude, Philippe hasn't done his puberty stuff yet! There's no reason for them to work!
/ Teodor: Hm. He'll probably get tired of them well before that happens. / Ray: Right! So long as you don't see him lockin' himself in the bathroom for hours at a stretch - on purpose, that is - I think that the world is safe for another day!
/ Roast Beef: Alright men back to the Meganerd hideout for Clausthaiers and solo Twister / {{alt text: Solo Twister is, of course, played to Blank Page by the Smashing Pumpkins}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06072006 |
| Achewood - June 7, 2007 | [[The room is dark. Roast Beef sits asleep in front of the computer, when something suddenly makes him stir from his slumber.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06072007 |
| Achewood - June 8, 2004 | [[Lie-bot, Chucklebot & Vlad are driving down a pickup truck country road at night]]
/ Lie-bot:Woo-hoo! / [[Lie bot sticks his ass over the side]]
/ lie bot: whoo!
/ chuckle bot: yeah! / lie bot: yeah! / chuckle bot:whoooooo! / lie bot: whoo! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06082004 |
| Achewood - June 8, 2004 | [[Lie-bot, Chucklebot, Andy & Vlad are driving down a pickup truck country road at night]]
/ Lie-bot:Woo-hoo! / [[Lie bot sticks his ass over the side]]
/ lie bot: whoo!
/ Andy: yeah! / lie bot: yeah! / andy: whoooooo! / lie bot: whoo! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06082004 |
| Achewood - June 8, 2006 - The Badass Games 1 | {{Mouseover: THE BADASS GAMES COMMENCE}} / [[Téodor is working at his computer when an envelope arrives undes the door with a small < http://achewood.com/?date=06082006 |
| Achewood - June 8, 2006 - The Badass Games 1 | {{Mouseover: THE BADASS GAMES COMMENCE}} / [[Téodor is working at his computer when an envelope arrives undes the door with a small < http://achewood.com/?date=06082006 |
| Achewood - June 8, 2006 | [[A door.]] / [[Téodor is sitting at his computer.]] / [[A letter is squeezed under the door with a FFT.]] / [[Téodor whips around to look at the letter.]] / [[A letter is squeezed with a FFT under Mr. Bear's door while he is reading and enjoying a glass of wine.]] / [[Mr. Bear turns to look at the letter.]] / [[Vlad is at the notary opening and reading a letter.]] / [[Pat is angrily reading a letter.]] / [[Lyle is sleeping in a puddle of liquid with an envelope and a bottle of alcohol.]] / [[Téodor is skeptically reading a letter.]] / Front of the letter: THE BADASS GAMES / Letter: Every man believes that, given the right provocations, his inner skills will emerge and he will be capable of tremendous feats.
/ The directive of the Badass Games is to place you in the very situations which test those abilities.
/ (over) / Letter: This is your exclusive invitation to compete in the First Annual Badass Games.
/ Tomorrow at noon we will contact you via phone with directions to the arena.
/ -THE BADASS GAMES / {{alt-text: THE BADASS GAMES COMMENCE}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06082006 |
| Achewood - June 8, 2007 | [[Lyle is strolling through the house, whisky in hand.]] / [[He spies a football lying on the floor.]] / Lyle: Oh HELL yes! / [[Lyle fires a stream of projectile vomit at the football.]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06082007 |
| Achewood - June 8, 2007 | [[Lyle is strolling through the house, whisky in hand.]] / [[He spies a football lying on the floor.]] / Lyle: Oh HELL yes! / [[Lyle fires a stream of projectile vomit at the football.]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06082007 |
| Achewood - June 8, 2007 | [[Lyle is strolling through the house, whisky in hand.]] / [[He spies a football lying on the floor.]] / Lyle: Oh HELL yes! / [[Lyle fires a stream of projectile vomit at the football.]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06082007 |
| Achewood - June 9, 2003 | [[Teodor and Ray are talking.]]
/ Teodor: Wow, look at that watch!
/ Ray: What, this? Yeah, it's just my new Rolex. / Teodor: What does it do? It's huge! / Ray: Oh, it has all this GPS and phone and camera and internet and stuff, but the coolest thing is that it generates a diary about me! / Ray: I can even have it write in the style of a famous author! Here, I'll priint up a few samples for you. / [[Ray fiddles with his watch.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06092003 |
| Achewood - June 9, 2003 | [[Teodor and Ray are talking.]]
/ Teodor: Wow, look at that watch!
/ Ray: What, this? Yeah, it's just my new Rolex. / Teodor: What does it do? It's huge! / Ray: Oh, it has all this GPS and phone and camera and internet and stuff, but the coolest thing is that it generates a diary about me! / Ray: I can even have it write in the style of a famous author! Here, I'll print up a few samples for you. / [[Ray fiddles with his watch.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06092003 |
| Success! | [[The robots are driving in a Datsun pickup, mooning the world after dark. Vlad is driving, with Chucklebot beside him. Lie Bot is doing most of the mooning out of the bed of the truck, with Andy next to him egging him on.]]
/ Andy: More, man, more!
/ Lie Bot: Yeah? / [[Lie Bot moons.]]
/ Lie Bot: WHOOOOOOOO!
/ Andy: Ha ha! WHOOO! / Lie Bot: Whoooooo!
/ Andy: YEAH!
/ Vlad: Ha ha! / Lie Bot: Success! / Andy: SUCCESS!
/ Vlad: Success! / Lie Bot: SUCCESS! / [[Close-up of Lie Bot's ass.]] / {{alt-text: "Success!"}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06092004 |
| Circus Penis / Seven Dollars | [[Philippe answers the door, dressed as a pirate.]]
/ Philippe: Yarr! There be hugs and kisses this way! / Circus Penis: Hello champ. Is this where Téodor lives? / Philippe: Who be wantin' to know! / Circus Penis: I'm his friend Circus. We have a meeting. / [[Philippe discards his pirate costume]]
/ Philippe: Do you work at the circus?! / Circus Penis: Heh. In a way. / Philippe: Do a trick! Pleeease! / [[Circus Penis reaches into his pocket]]
/ Circus: Okay, kiddo. Here's a trick. / [[He gives Philippe seven dollars]]
/ Philippe: Wow, seven dollars! / [[Philippe cuddles his seven dollars]]
/ Philippe: It's so soft! It's like having a new baby lamb! / [[Philippe throws his seven dollars into the air]]
/ Philippe: I will love you forever, seven dollars!
/ Philippe: You are seven dollars! Yes you ARE! Yes you ARE! / {{Alt-text: I doubt seven dollars was ever promised so much in this world}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06092005 |
| Achewood - June 9, 2006 - The Badass Games 2 | {{Mouseover: "Round One: Cornelius Bear"}} / [[Téodor, Cornelius, Vlad, Lyle, & Pat are gathered facing Ray & Roast Beef. Ray is addressing them, Beef stands silently next to Ray.]] / Ray: Welcome to the BADASS GAMES! / Ray: Badass men do not mess around! They get down to business IMMEDIATELY! / Ray: Each of you take a place at one of the five tables when I say GO! / Ray: Your first challenge: BAKE A LOAF OF BREAD USING THE PROVIDED FLOUR, WATER, YEAST, AND SALT! / Vlad [angrily]: What is badass about bakink loaf of bread?! I am thinkink we are at least Ultimate Fightink against wino! / Ray: Nothing is more old-school than baking your own damn staff of life!
/ A dude who can walk into any kitchen in the world and make bread is COMPLETELY RAW! / [[SOON.]] / Beef [addressing a sad Lyle]: Lyle your yeast didn't bloom dogg I mean this is a top drawer failure by any measure in the book / Ray [addressing a sad Téodor]: Téodor, I thought you knew how to cook? Your bread is hard and nasty. How long did you knead it for? A thousand minutes? A million? / Ray [with Beef, addressing Cornelius]: Daaamn! What we got here, Cornelius? / Cornelius: I omitted the yeast and made a fresh malloreddus pasta, which I rolled out using my flask. / Ray: Malloreddus?
/ Cornelius: It's an eggless Sardinian dough. My dear Iris Gambol learned to make it the summer we spent in Cagliari. '67? '68? It escapes me. / [[THEN.]] / Beef: Alright not only did Cornelius buck the rules but he made a recipe that his dead first wife taught him before we were born
/ Ray: That is /hard/. Cornelius, hands down. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06092006 |
| Philippe's New Shoes | [[Téodor and Philippe are standing in the house. Philippe's shoes are plugged into an outlet]]
/ Téodor: Philippe! Why are your shoes plugged into the wall?
/ Philippe: These are my new Speaker Sneakers! My mom sent them to me! / Téodor: What? What do they do?
/ Philippe: Watch! / [Philippe is running across the room with wire trailing from his shoes, his Speaker Sneakers exclaiming repeatedly]]
/ Speaker Sneakers: HERE COMES A SPECIAL BOY / {{Alt text: I am sorry this cartoon wasn't posted until 1. Hey, at least it's not Hat Week anymore. ...}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06102002 |
| Philippe's New Shoes | [[Téodor and Philippe are standing in the house. Philippe's shoes are plugged into an outlet]]
/ Téodor: Philippe! Why are your shoes plugged into the wall?
/ Philippe: These are my new Speaker Sneakers! My mom sent them to me! / Téodor: What? What do they do?
/ Philippe: Watch! / [Philippe is running across the room with wire trailing from his shoes, his Speaker Sneakers exclaiming repeatedly]]
/ Speaker Sneakers: HERE COMES A SPECIAL BOY / {{Alt text: I am sorry this cartoon wasn't posted until 1. Hey, at least it's not Hat Week anymore. That sucked.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06102002 |
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