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| Achewood - June 11, 2002 | Ray: Aww c'mon now Roast Beef! You a pretty damn handsome fellow!
/ Roast Beef: Oh I ain't much to look at Ray Not much at all. / Ray: Seriously, Beef! You oughta go and get yourself a lady!
/ Roast Beef: Oh stop it now Ray / Ray: You a charming fellow! You doin' the ladies a big disservice just by hangin' out with ol' Ray tonight! / Roast Beef: Shucks Ray I don't know how to pick up no lady / Ray: Pickin' up a lady is the easiest thing in the world! Here now -- Just say your name...
/ Roast Beef: Uh...h-h-hello my lady My name is Roast Beef / Ray: Good! Now you simply engage her interests!
/ Roast Beef: May I entreat my lady to play at whist? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06112002 |
| Achewood - June 11, 2003 | Ray: Uh, Beef?
/ Did y-you use cash or credit card for this place? / Roast Beef: Cash
/ Guy wouldn't even LOOK at my credit card
/ Why you askin anyway / [[ Ray lifts bedsheet ]] / Roast Beef: Oh my god / Roast Beef: Ray don't tell me you made PICKLES in this bed
/ Ray: Man, let's get out of here! / [[ Interior of car ]]
/ Header: SOON
/ Ray: I can't believe you made us take this stanky sheet! What are we gonna DO with it?!
/ Roast Beef:Take it out into the woods and shoot it I guess / [[ exterior of car ]]
/ Ray: What if someone finds it?! They could test for my DNA!
/ Roast Beef: A turd with a bullet ain't exactly 5 O'Clock News Ray / {{title text: I know over two guys who have done this}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06112003 |
| Achewood - June 11, 2003 | Ray: Uh, Beef?
/ Did y-you use cash or credit card for this place? / Roast Beef: Cash
/ Guy wouldn't even LOOK at my credit card
/ Why you askin anyway / [[ Ray lifts bedsheet ]] / Roast Beef: Oh my god / Roast Beef: Ray don't tell me you made PICKLES in this bed
/ Ray: Man, let's get out of here! / [[ Interior of car ]]
/ Header: SOON
/ Ray: I can't believe you made us take this stanky sheet! What are we gonna DO with it?!
/ Roast Beef:Take it out into the woods and shoot it I guess / [[ exterior of car ]]
/ Ray: What if someone finds it?! They could test for my DNA!
/ Roast Beef: A turd with a bullet ain't exactly 5 O'Clock News Ray / {{title text: I know over two guys who have done this}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06112003 |
| Achewood - June 11, 2004 | [[Ray is on the phone, sitting in front of his computer]]
/ Ray: Hey. Yeah. This is Ray Smuckles over at Prime Time. / Ray: Yeah, I need a picture of the guys from Steely Dan where one of them is from America's Test Kitchen and the other one has been interrupted from a phone call where he was trading Russian teenagers for diamonds. / [[Image of said picture appears on Ray's computer screen]] / Ray: Okay, yeah, I see it. Thanks. That's Perfect.
/ That is exactly the picture that I needed. / {{Alt text: I grew up not knowing the difference between Steve Miller and Steely Dan, both of whom I assumed were solo artists.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06112004 |
| Achewood - June 11, 2007 | Magazine: Bachelor Party 101: This is not your father's stag loop!
/ Magazine: Curtis Belkin
/ Magazine: special to California Bridegroom / Magazine: It's true! The modern bridegroom needn't be subjected to traumatic, bond-betraying experiences with prostitutes and strippers in this enlightened age. Best men everywhere are finding ever-better group activities which celebrate not only the friend, but the friendships. Take, for example these sample bachelor parties, designed by energy healer and life coach Jim Madsen. / Magazine: Bachelor Party One: Individuation
/ Magazine: The bridegroom and groomsmen meet at dawn for a challenging hike in the Santa Cruz mountains. At the summit, each man is counseled individually. / Magazine: Bachelor Party Two: Ayurvedic Tapas
/ Magazine: Tiny handcrafted pearls of avocado caviar dot the surface of impossibly dark "live" masa rye. Still water comes nearly to the rim of aquifer-cured bonozo tumblers. Sesame seeds, scattered across the communal table, make for a thoughtful decoration and a constant invitation to snack. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06112007 |
| Achewood - June 11, 2007 | [[Ray reading a magazine on the sofa.]] / [[Close up of magazine article]]
/ Bachelor Party 101: This is not your father's stag loop!
/ Curtis Belkin
/ special to California Bridegroom / [[Continuation of magazine article]]
/ It's true! The modern bridegroom needn't be subjected to traumatic, bond-betraying experiences with prostitutes and strippers in this enlightened age. Best men everywhere are finding ever-better group activities which celebrate not only the friend, but the friendships. Take, for example these sample bachelor parties, designed by energy healer and life coach Jim Madsen. / [[Close-up of magazine article, which includes a graphic of a man wearing a goofy scarf in the woods.]]
/ Bachelor Party One: Individuation
/ The bridegroom and groomsmen meet at dawn for a challenging hike in the Santa Cruz mountains. At the summit, each man is counseled individually. / [[Close-up of magazine article, which includes a graphic of a peapod]]
/ Bachelor Party Two: Ayurvedic Tapas
/ Tiny handcrafted pearls of avocado caviar dot the surface of impossibly dark "live" masa rye. Still water comes nearly to the rim of aquifer-cured bonozo tumblers. Sesame seeds, scattered across the communal table, make for a thoughtful decoration and a constant invitation to snack. / [[Ray puts the magazine aside with a pained expression]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06112007 |
| Picking Up Showbiz at the "Airport" | [[Roast Beef has picked Showbiz up from the police station. They are in his car.]]
/ Showbiz: So! 'Ssssup, brah! Didn't think I'd miss your wedding, didja? / Roast Beef: Oh uh definitely not we got a seat for you and everything
/ Showbiz: 'Course you do, bro-dareeno! You always gotta have a seat for the best man! Right next to YOU! Head table, dude! We're finally gonna PARTY! / Roast Beef (thinks): Presumptuous son of a bitch! / Showbiz: I wrote a speech and everything, man! This is a really big deal for me! I had a rough year, man... / Showbiz: ...so if I do a good job with the speech and stuff, this is like a real big turnin' point for me! I guess I'm tryin' to prove that I can be a stand-up guy like you! / Showbiz: You're a role model, Beef! You show me what it means to be family and stick up for each other! / Roast Beef (thinks): Oh Jesus shut up with your hot buttered lies or I'm going to be sick
/ Roast Beef (thinks): You god damned entree-wanting organism / Roast Beef (thinks): CRAP now I got to rack my brain and engineer my brother out of my wedding party and it ain't like I already want to SLICE THIS DAMN WEDDING IN HALF LIKE THE GORDIAN KNOT OR ANYTHING / Showbiz: But first we got to send you off in style, Beef! I'm talkin' off-the-hook bachelor party! They got this strip club down in Acapulco called The Organ Hatch, man! I'm gonna get all your guys to fly down there! Hummer limo, Cristal, the works! First hooker's on me, man!
/ Roast Beef (thinks): Well good 'cause she sure as hell won't be on me / {{alt text: Actually, that place is in Cozumel, and it's a Beetle limo, not a Hummer.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06112008 |
| Achewood - June 12, 2002 | Roast Beef: Uh no Todd
/ Roast Beef: Water don't have too much nutrients in it I don't believe
/ [[In the distance, Ray slaps his paws to his cheeks in alarm.]] / Ray: Stand down, Roast Beef! Water has hella nutrients in it!
/ Roast Beef: Uh hold on would you please Todd / Ray: How do you think plants get so big on it?
/ Roast Beef: Ray I am speaking with a friend right now / [[Ray furrows his brows, crosses his arms, and glares at Roast Beef. Roast beef is holding the cordless phone to his chest and looking worried.]] / Ray: Water is full of nutrients! That's all I'm trying to say! / Roast Beef: Uh yeah he's gone now
/ Roast Beef: Anyhow Todd that's the reason water is so cheap I think http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06122002 |
| Achewood - June 12, 2002 | Roast Beef: Uh no Todd
/ Roast Beef: Water don't have too much nutrients in it I don't believe
/ [[In the distance, Ray slaps his paws to his cheeks in alarm.]] / Ray: Stand down, Roast Beef! Water has hella nutrients in it!
/ Roast Beef: Uh hold on would you please Todd / Ray: How do you think plants get so big on it?
/ Roast Beef: Ray I am speaking with a friend right now / [[Ray furrows his brows, crosses his arms, and glares at Roast Beef. Roast beef is holding the cordless phone to his chest and looking worried.]] / [[Rau turns to leave, throwing up his arms in frustration]]
/ Ray: Water is full of nutrients! That's all I'm trying to say! / Roast Beef: Uh yeah he's gone now
/ Roast Beef: Anyhow Todd that's the reason water is so cheap I think http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06122002 |
| Achewood - June 12, 2003: A Frank Conversation on Pornography. | [[Ray and Teodor are at home. Ray is on the sofda; Teodor approaches]]
/ Teodor: Hey, whatcha watchin'?
/ Ray: Lyle just picked up the new Candy Canyons DVD, dogg! Pull up a seat! / Teodor: That pornstar who died last year? / Ray: No, you thinkin' of Fratella San Zanille. Candy is still alive. Check it out.
/ [[Ray hands Teodor the DVD box.]] / [[Teodor examines it.]]
/ Teodor: Does it really have Peter Dudewood? / Ray: Nah, it's just one of those fake-outs where they show him on the box. This one just has some Mexican guy with a knee brace. / Teodor: Oh, you watched it already?
/ Ray: Yeah, we cruised through it at lunchtime. Still worth a second look, though. / [[Soon]]
/ [[Both of them are on the couch.]]
/ Ray: Heyo! Money shot!
/ Teodor: Why do these guys always pretend like they don't know how to jack off? No man on earth just uses his fingertips. / {{This is a perfectly honest conversation about pornography}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06122003 |
| Achewood - June 12, 2003: A Frank Conversation on Pornography. | [[Ray and Teodor are at home. Ray is on the sofda; Teodor approaches]]
/ Teodor: Hey, whatcha watchin'?
/ Ray: Lyle just picked up the new Candy Canyons DVD, dogg! Pull up a seat! / Teodor: That pornstar who died last year? / Ray: No, you thinkin' of Fratella San Zanille. Candy is still alive. Check it out.
/ [[Ray hands Teodor the DVD box.]] / [[Teodor examines it.]]
/ Teodor: Does it really have Peter Dudewood? / Ray: Nah, it's just one of those fake-outs where they show him on the box. This one just has some Mexican guy with a knee brace. / Teodor: Oh, you watched it already?
/ Ray: Yeah, we cruised through it at lunchtime. Still worth a second look, though. / [[Soon]]
/ [[Both of them are on the couch.]]
/ Ray: Heyo! Money shot!
/ Teodor: Why do these guys always pretend like they don't know how to jack off? No man on earth just uses his fingertips. / {{This is a perfectly honest conversation about pornography}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06122003 |
| Achewood - June 12, 2007 | MAN WHY YOU EVEN GOT TO DO A THING 5
/ your host Ed E. Haskell
/ An examination of my mouth when I sneeze / editor's hello corner
/ Hello. Dang people so like you know it is a Thing that I am engaged to Miss Lady now. There came a time. Anyhow, don't worry crafters, this ain't gonna soften up as a 'zine and start appearin' at the grocery checkout next to Redbook. (Can someone please tell me what in hell that magazine even is.) You ain't gonna find an article about how to make a nice sash to hide your balls when you are an otherwise naked high-ranking Swiss military officer. You ain't gonna see a piece about the ups and downs and happy-sappy overall ups of bein' hitched. There will not be a large type edition, or an edition that Oprah can like. This 'zine is gonna stay dirty and low and stupid and useless, just like I swore to Jesus on the day he gave me this keyboard and showed me that picture of two sets of footprints goin' down a beach, and there's this one stretch where there's only one set of footprints, and I was like, "what's that all about," and He said, "Ed E. Haskell, that was when you were writing MAN WHY YOU EVEN GOT TO DO A THING." So it is said. Enjoy the new issue, I think it's the fifth one. -EEH / Curse of the Sea Bitch and Braebicus Dict updates:
/ Alright so once again I didn't feel like writin' that complicated shit. So sue me. That stuff takes so much research and plus to write Braebicus dict I usually need to be in a fight with Miss Lady and we ain't been in a fight lately. / Ray's saying of the minute:
/ "Gettin' all spry on Grolsch" / IN THIS ISSUE!
/ RAY'S NUDITY
/ When one man is having a hard time getting photographed naked, what on the earth can he do to get his nudity out there.
/ INTERVIEW: PHILIPPE
/ Philippe is a kid from this place and I go head-to-head with him for a little while that turns into a long while and also money becomes involved because he makes a terrible mistake
/ TODD TIPS
/ Todd has been livin' on the fringes for basically every second and now he finally gives some advice back to society
/ JIMMY CONVERSATIONS
/ Everybody sees a homeless dude with regularity but not so often does he get some 'zine space. We reverse that trend here with this interview. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06122007 |
| Achewood - June 12, 2008 "See That You Do" | [[Ray sitting in chair reading a newspaper]]
/ Ray: Oh, police blotter. You make every newspaper a newspaper from Florida.
/ Ray: Whatcha got. / [[View of newspaper]]
/ Newspaper: Police Blotter
/ Newspaper: June 12
/ Newspaper: East Achewood -- A man was found severely beaten outside the TransBay bus terminal. He did not wish to press charges or identify his attacker.
/ Newspaper: Peltenham Terrace Apartments -- Three men were found severely beated on the building's front steps. They reported to officers that they had looked the wrong way at the wrong man, and that they were very sorry. / [[Ray sitting in chair reading a newspaper]]
/ Ray: Damn. All this temperature lately got folks real on edge. / [[View of newspaper]]
/ Newspaper: Hidden Hills -- The Achewood Community College men's basketball team was found severely beaten behind Chili's. They said they were very sorry for having laughed at an older gentleman's hat, and that they would try to focus more on their grades once their wounds had healed.
/ Newspaper: One Player who declined medical treatment reported that he was going home to focus on his grades "immediately."
/ Newspaper: Achewood Golden Lanes -- A man of about sixty bowled a perfect game, but when staff insisted that he pose for a Polaroid, he became combative and "bowled" their camera down a vacant lane. Although the camera shattered on impact, all ten pins fell. / [[Ray sitting in chair reading a newspaper]]
/ Ray: Why does this...
/ Ray: Why does this all seem so... familiar... / [[Shadowed figure resembling Ramses Luther Smuckles talking to Crate&Barrel customer service]]
/ Shadowed Figure: The hell this KitchenAid doesn't come with the dough hook attachment, woman.
/ Woman: I... I'll call upstairs again.
/ {{title text: See That You Do.}}
/ {{image text: In the end, Ray gives up and flips to the color ads for cosmetic surgeons.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06122008 |
| Achewood - June 13, 2002 | [[First two panels show a geometry problem for finding the length of the side of a triangle]] / Ray: Roast Beef! How long can you study geometry for?!
/ Roast Beef: 'til I get tired of it
/ Which is probably never Ray / Ray: Snoooooze!
/ That's boring!
/ Roast Beef: I love geometry Ray
/ It is extrememly awesome / Ray: Sure it sounds impressive, but when are you actually gonna use it?
/ Roast Beef: Well
/ You can't use something you don't have Ray / [[Ray looks surprised]] / Ray: Oh, you're right. I guess I been meanin' to learn a little geometry. / {{alt. text: Uh basically I like geometry a lot}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06132002 |
| Achewood - June 13, 2002 | [[First two panels show a geometry problem for finding the length of the side of a triangle]] / Ray: Roast Beef! How long can you study geometry for?!
/ Roast Beef: 'til I get tired of it
/ Which is probably never Ray / Ray: Snoooooze!
/ That's boring!
/ Roast Beef: I love geometry Ray
/ It is extremely awesome / Ray: Sure it sounds impressive, but when are you actually gonna use it?
/ Roast Beef: Well
/ You can't use something you don't have Ray / [[Ray looks surprised]] / Ray: Oh, you're right. I guess I been meanin' to learn a little geometry. / {{alt. text: Uh basically I like geometry a lot}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06132002 |
| Achewood - June 13, 2003 | [[RAY offers CHRIS ONSTAD a cocktail]]
/ RAY: Happy Birthday, Onstad. / So... uh... thanks for everything, I guess. / I hope you didn't want more of a fuss -- I couldn't figure out that dang "E-Vite" thing at all. / It seems like there is a difference between e-mail and Internet. Is that right? / Anyways, I've got some hot dogs in the oven. You like to eat hot dogs, right? Baked up real good? / [[ONSTAD picks up RAY]]
/ Whoah, man! Don't pick me up! What the hell, man?! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06132003 |
| Achewood - June 13, 2005 | [[Circus Penis has arrived at Teodor's house. Philippe hugs the seven dollars Circus has given him. Circus and Teodor are walking away.]]
/ Circus Penis: You ever think about doing any stud work in the adult film industry, Teodor? We'd be happy to have you. / Teodor [[looking down]]: Um, I dunno. I'm not really in very good shape right now? / Circus Penis: There's a growing sub-genre called Softboy. SB.
/ Circus Penis: They use doughy studs to help the average home viewer "project."
/ [[Teodor looks at Circus]] / [[They continue walking]]
/ Circus Penis: In fact, I know an SB director who'd think you were pretty easy on the eyes. / [[Teodor looks unsure and sad.]]
/ Teodor: I...I don't know. / Circus Penis: You should try it, it'd be a lot of fun for you.
/ Circus Penis: You would have fun. / [[Teodor's eyebrows rise in seeming helplessness]]
/ Teodor: This might sound kind of naive, but how do you keep your parents from finding out? / Circus Penis: That you're out of shape? / Teodor: That you're a porn star. / [[They continue walking]]
/ Circus Penis: You might try a stage name. If I were you, I'd go for Troy Harlem. / [[Teodor arrives at his desk, picks up a notebook]]
/ Teodor: Wow, you can think them up just like that? / Circus Penis [[amused]]: Ted Max, Curty Boy, Darren Steam, Rocco Carbon!
/ Circus Penis: Bada-bing, bada-boom. All brand new, never been used before. / Teodor: How do you do that so fast?! / [[They walk away, this time in the opposite direction]]
/ Circus Penis: "Vocation" comes from the Latin "vox," or voice, meant to imply a calling from God.
/ Circus Penis: Some boys memorized baseball cards; my science fair project definitively traced John Holmes' HIV infection to Joey Yale. / {{alt-text: To this day, detectives use his methodology when tracing HIV strains to the primigenitor.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06132005 |
| Achewood - June 13, 2006 - The Badass Games 3 | {{Mouseover: "Cornelius has done more time than POPCORN"}} / Téodor [to Vlad]: Well, that was kinda lame. What are we gonna do next, vote? / Vlad: Is not surprisink if next challenge is to move in with mother. / Ray [gesturing to crate with airholes]: GENTLEMEN! Inside this box is a career prisoner! Your challenge is to convince him that you've done hard time! / Ray: After you've all gone, the prisoner will tell us who he thinks was the most believable! / Lyle: Piece 'a cake! I do time like I was pluggin' the meter!
/ Pat: I've been incarcerated on a number of occasions. Stand back and watch the master, you fools. / [[SOON.]]
/ Vlad [smoking]: So I am in prison. It is bad. So bad. The leader, he rape my face. He rape my hand. Do I cry? I do not. Is prison. Is dog pack. You weak? You die.
/ Prisoner [voice from crate]: Next, please / Téodor: They locked me up 'cause I hit my old lady. What can I say? The bitch had it coming.
/ Prisoner: Nice try, kid. Next? / Cornelius: For a cellmate, I prefer a German in his native land. Today's Kraut isn't a malicious sort, more often than not just a timid chap coming off a night on the beer.
/ Prisoner: I bunked with a Fritz once. Good guy. Tidy. / Cornelius: Indeed. The Austrian is too obsessed with his own excrement, and Frenchmen act as though they'd won an Oscar the night before. In the middle we have the reasonable German.
/ Prisoner: Exactly! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06132006 |
| Achewood - June 13, 2006 - The Badass Games 3 | {{Mouseover: "Cornelius has done more time than POPCORN"}} / Téodor [to Vlad]: Well, that was kinda lame. What are we gonna do next, vote? / Vlad: Is not surprisink if next challenge is to move in with mother. / Ray [gesturing to crate with airholes]: GENTLEMEN! Inside this box is a career prisoner! Your challenge is to convince him that you've done hard time! / Ray: After you've all gone, the prisoner will tell us who he thinks was the most believable! / Lyle: Piece 'a cake! I do time like I was pluggin' the meter!
/ Pat: I've been incarcerated on a number of occasions. Stand back and watch the master, you fools. / [[SOON.]]
/ Vlad [smoking]: So I am in prison. It is bad. So bad. The leader, he rape my face. He rape my hand. Do I cry? I do not. Is prison. Is dog pack. You weak? You die.
/ Prisoner [voice from crate]: Next, please / Téodor: They locked me up 'cause I hit my old lady. What can I say? The bitch had it coming.
/ Prisoner: Nice try, kid. Next? / Cornelius: For a cellmate, I prefer a German in his native land. Today's Kraut isn't a malicious sort, more often than not just a timid chap coming off a night on the beer.
/ Prisoner: I bunked with a Fritz once. Good guy. Tidy. / Cornelius: Indeed. The Austrian is too obsessed with his own excrement, and Frenchmen act as though they'd won an Oscar the night before. In the middle we have the reasonable German.
/ Prisoner: Exactly! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06132006 |
| Achewood - June 13, 2007, Marriage got to get paid, son | [[Roast Beef angry, Cornelius Bear in armchair with beverage]]
/ Roast Beef: JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU BELIEVE IT COSTS TEN THOUSAND CLAMS TO GET MARRIED ?!
/ Cornelius Bear: I certainly can. / Roast Beef: I mean there are hidden fees behind hidden fees!
/ Roast Beef: There are hidden fees which can't conceptually exist until an initial hidden fee is enacted ! / Roast Beef: There is even this one hidden fee hidden behind some drapes and you can only see its damn shoes ! / Cornelius Bear: The invitation alone requires a printer, a postman, and a cousin with fine penmanship. / Roast Beef: It costs seventy-eight damn bucks just to get the official marriage license!
/ Roast Beef: Are you kidding me ?! The government even gets a cut when i LOVE somebody ? / Cornelius Bear: Elected officials laugh when a butcher, presented with a pig, wastes the squeal. / {{title text- I was once amazed at how much life cost to live, but then i gave up that hobby.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06132007 |
| Achewood - June 13, 2007, Marriage got to get paid, son | [[Roast Beef angry, Cornelius Bear in armchair reading with a beverage]]
/ Roast Beef: JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU BELIEVE IT COSTS TEN THOUSAND CLAMS TO GET MARRIED ?!
/ Cornelius Bear: I certainly can. / [[Close-up of Roast Beef]]
/ Roast Beef: I mean there are hidden fees behind hidden fees!
/ Roast Beef: There are hidden fees which can't conceptually exist until an initial hidden fee is enacted ! / Roast Beef: There is even this one hidden fee hidden behind some drapes and you can only see its damn shoes ! / [[Close-up of Cornelius Bear]]
/ Cornelius Bear: The invitation alone requires a printer, a postman, and a cousin with fine penmanship. / Roast Beef: It costs seventy-eight damn bucks just to get the official marriage license!
/ Roast Beef: Are you kidding me ?! The government even gets a cut when i LOVE somebody ? /
/ [[Close-up of Cornelius Bear]]
/ Cornelius Bear: Elected officials laugh when a butcher, presented with a pig, wastes the squeal. / {{title text- I was once amazed at how much life cost to live, but then i gave up that hobby.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06132007 |
| Achewood - June 13, 2008: T-minus Three Weeks | [[Molly is reading the paper]] / [[Police Blotter. June 13. East Achewood - A midnight freight train unloading brick and flagstone was reported to have a "Flickering, glowing" area behind it, "About the size of a boxcar." Responding officers could find no supporting evidence. / East Achewood - A clerk closing the Duvall Street Domino's Pizza phoned police when "Twenty Irish people yelling in Arabic" railed against the shuttered windows and pointed at their stomachs. "They were dressed like they were in a play about religion," the man stated.]] / [[Molly holding the newspaper]] / Molly (thinking): Hah! I love you police blotter. / [[Police blotter: Achewood - A man reported hearing "Late night merry-making, folk dancing which lacked a strong percussive element, and the busy clack of an expectant grandmother's needles" in a nearby abandoned home. Responding officers found the remains of a squatter's fire and a few crusts of bread soaked in a rich cheese sauce / Achewood Heights - A resident was awakened in the early morning hours by a man yelling that he "did not need directions," followed by the jeers of a small crowd. Reports of a "steady clop" weer corroborated by fresh horse manure.]] / [[Molly holding news paper]] / Molly (thinking): Wait. Why does this... Why does this all seem so... familiar... / Narrator: Meanwhile. / [[The silhouette of Ramses Luther Smuckles and Molly's father are standing at the counter of Crate & Barrel, an employee behind the counter looks frightened]] / Ramses: That a KitchenAid? Get a load of this: they claimin' the 8-cup model don't come with the dough hook attachment.
/ Molly's father: YOUNG MISS I DID NOT TRAVEL THIS BITTER GLOBE SO THAT YOU COULD DENY ME THE DOUGH HOOK AND ROB MY ONLY DAUGHTER OF TIME BEST SPENT ON PROGENY! / {{alt-text: Ramses has been there twice about the dough hook. The man has chutzpah.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06132008 |
| Birthday Party for Onstad | [[Ray hands a tiny cat-sized martini to Onstad, who is visible only from the legs down]]
/ Ray: Happy Birthday, Onstad. / Ray: So...uh...thanks for everything, I guess / Ray: I hope you didn't want more of a fuss -- I couldn't figure out that dang "E-Vite" thing at all / Ray: It seems like there is a difference between e-mail and internet? Is that right? / Ray: Anyways, I've got some hot dogs in the oven. You like to eat hot dogs, right? Baked up real good? / [[Onstad bends down to pick Ray up]]
/ Ray: Whoah, man! Don't pick me up! What the hell, man?! / {{alt text: A good birthday present is to order the book}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06142002 |
| Achewood - June 14, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is in heaven, standing before a burnt down church]]
/ roast beef: Molly? / [[Beef looks desolate. a voice comes from off panel.]]
/ voice: They's gone / [[Beef turns around]] / [[A creepy looking black cat with his left leg in a cast and a dog wearing a dope hat and smoking a pipe stand in an alley]] / [[Beef listens to the voice]
/ voice: They's wemt, in the fire / [[creepy dog and cat]]
/ dog: All souls was taken / dog: All souls did burn http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06142004 |
| Achewood - June 14, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is in heaven, standing before a burnt down church]]
/ roast beef: Molly? / [[Beef looks desolate. a voice comes from off panel.]]
/ voice: They's gone / [[Beef turns around]] / [[A creepy looking black cat with his left leg in a cast and a dog wearing a dope hat and smoking a pipe stand in an alley]] / [[Beef listens to the voice]
/ voice: They's wemt, in the fire / [[creepy dog and cat]]
/ dog: All souls was taken / dog: All souls did burn / {{alt text: sister i need wine}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06142004 |
| Achewood - June 14, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is in heaven, standing before a burnt down church]]
/ Roast Beef: Molly? / [[Beef looks desolate. a voice comes from off panel.]]
/ Trouble Man: They's gone / [[Beef turns around]] / [[A creepy looking black cat with his left leg in a cast (No-No) and a dog wearing a dope hat and smoking a pipe (Trouble Man) stand in an alley]] / [[Beef listens to the voice]]
/ Trouble Man: They's wemt, in the fire / [[creepy dog and cat]]
/ Trouble Man: All souls was taken then / Trouble Man: All souls did burn / {{ sister i need wine }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06142004 |
| Achewood - June 14, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is in heaven, standing before a burnt down church]]
/ roast beef: Molly? / [[Beef looks desolate. a voice comes from off panel.]]
/ voice: They's gone / [[Beef turns around]] / [[A creepy looking black cat with his left leg in a cast and a dog wearing a dope hat and smoking a pipe stand in an alley]] / [[Beef listens to the voice]
/ Trouble Man: They's wemt, in the fire / [[creepy dog and cat]]
/ Trouble Man: All souls was taken / Trouble Man: All souls did burn / {{alt text: sister i need wine}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06142004 |
| Onstad has a birthday | [[Roast Beef and Chris Onstad are standing around talking]]
/ Roast Beef: Dang so yeah uh I remembered that today is your birthday
/ Roast Beef: Nice / Roast Beef: So it's like if your old lady is all such as Get Up dammit and do a chore ! -- / Roast Beef: You can reply such as "I heard there was a sale on bitch supplies !"
/ Roast Beef: "Go to that place !" / Chris Onstad: She's taking me out for breakfast. / Roast Beef: Oh sorry uh man I guess that says bad stuff about me / Chris Onstad: What does? / Roast Beef: That I would imagine the first interaction of an average man's day would go that way / Chris Onstad: It's alright. I know you're from Circumstances. / [[Roast Beef looks sad]] / Roast Beef: Yeah yeah that's right
/ Roast Beef: I mean the shit I had to go through... / [[Roast Beef looks alert]] / Roast Beef: Oh I nearly was sidetracked I got you this present / Roast Beef: It's a little yellow foam thing where if you drop your keys in a lake they will float / Roast Beef: I almost kept it for myself but I was like wait what if the dude has bad luck at a lake you know it would be on me
/ Roast Beef: So uh yeah sorry this gift is so selfish / {{Alt-text: I would like to thank Comcast for being down all night}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06142005 |
| Achewood - June 14, 2006 - The Badass Games 4 | {{Mouseover: "Happy 31rd Birthday Chis Onsteadt! Sincerely, The Home Mortgage Pro's"}} / [[SOON.]] / Ray [to crated Prisoner]: Alright, Miami. Which of these dudes do you think has done hard time? / Miami: First off – Pat, when I make paper I'm gonna tear your throat out with a pair of salad tongs. My OLD MAN's a barber, you son of a bitch! / Miami: Téodor, stay outta the joint, kid. You'd toss more sajad than a seasick rabbit.
/ Téodor: (.../oh my God/) / Miami: Lyle, you're still just a weekender, yet to land in the general population. Enjoy these, your salad days.
/ Lyle: Stay hard, Miami. / Miami: Vlad, you make prison sound like a man-rape conga line. I was the most disappointed in your attempt.
/ Vlad [throwing up hands]: AGH! I gamble, I lose. / Miami: Cornelius, you got the classic way of the old-school convict. Shoes shined, buttons down, wrong place, wrong time.
/ Sometimes trouble finds good men; you left your porch light on.
/ Cornelius: Thank you, Miami. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06142006 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06142009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06142009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - June 15, 2004 | Roast Beef: The ones that got out alive though, Where did they take them / Short One: None did come out / Short One: They was simply pig treated to smoke and flame / Short One: They was cured of many things at once / [[Meanwhile, on earth.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06152004 |
| Achewood - June 15, 2004 | Roast Beef: The ones that got out alive though
/ Roast Beef: Where did they take them / Trouble Man: None did come out / Trouble Man: They was simply pig treated to smoke and flame / Trouble Man: They was cured of many things at once / [[Meanwhile, on earth.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06152004 |
| Achewood - June 15, 2004 | Roast Beef: The ones that got out alive though, Where did they take them / Trouble Man: None did come out / Trouble Man: They was simply pig treated to smoke and flame / Trouble Man: They was cured of many things at once / [[Meanwhile, on earth.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06152004 |
| Achewood - June 15, 2004 | Roast Beef: The ones that got out alive though, Where did they take them / Trouble Man: None did come out / Trouble Man: They was simply pig treated to smoke and flame / Trouble Man: They was cured of many things at once / [[Meanwhile, on earth.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06152004 |
| Achewood - June 15, 2005 | {{Circus Penis and Teodor have been discussing a career in porn for the latter.}}
/ Circus Penis: Alright, Teodor, I've got you booked to stud in a half hour.
/ Teodor: Wow, already?! / Circus Penis: My friend Jim has a set over in East Achewood.
/ Circus Penis: He's shooting another installment of his "SoftBoys: Picnic Panic" series and is looking for fresh talent. / Teodor: Cool. Oh, hey--can I wear sunglasses? / Circus Penis [[amused]]: Heh. Sure, rookie.
/ Teodor: I know, I know. Just this first time. / [[Teodor is at the set; a chubby guy with a goatee and receding hairline is also there.]]
/ Teodor: Hi, I'm Troy Harlem.
/ Rod Huggins: Rod Huggins. But you knew that. / Teodor: You here for Picnic Panic too? / Rod Huggins [[cocking an eyebrow]]: You my top? / Teodor: What? / Loudspeaker [[not visible]]: ALRIGHT BOYS, I'VE SET UP THE PICNIC BLANKET. / [[Teodor is concerned.]]
/ Rod Huggins: Careful with the merchandise, cubby. You look like a bit of a bull. / {{alt-text: You know him from such titles as Heavy Into Rod Huggins.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06152005 |
| Achewood - June 15, 2007 | [[Roast Beef is reading something. Molly puts one hand on his shoulder from behind.]]
/ Molly: So, do you want to help me set up our registries? / [[Roast Beef continues reading as Molly begins rubbing his shoulders.]]
/ Roast Beef: You mean for like bone china and silver and goblets and antimacassars in case a greasy queen comes over
/ Molly: We need to have nice things for dinner parties. / [[Roast Beef turns to Molly.]]
/ Roast Beef: Man I think the "dinner party" is the biggest marketing con of the modern age
/ Roast Beef: Every yup-ass magazine all showin' a photo of a model who don't even eat holdin' a fat basted golden goose on truffled raita pilaf that took ten fake cooks to make / [[Roast Beef continues reading, with an annoyed expression. Molly is also slightly annoyed.]]
/ Molly: We don't buy these things. People buy them for us. And it's tradition to hand down heirloom tableware to your children. / [[Close-up of only Roast Beef, who is now clearly annoyed.]]
/ Roast Beef: Why do we even need heirloom quality stuff if our kids are just gonna get swindled by the same dumb tradition playin' them into the hands of some useless industry that's on a vent and two drips / [[Molly speaks angrily. Roast Beef appears sheepish.]]
/ Molly: WE NEED NICE THINGS BECAUSE WOMEN HAVE TO CORRECT FOR A GENDER THAT WOULD EAT FRIED EGGS OFF OF A FART IF A FART LANDED ON THE LINOLEUM AND FORMED A REUSABLE SKIN. / {{A thrifty bachelor uses every part of his offensiveness.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06152007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06152009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06152009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - June 16, 2003 | Roast Beef (clutching his wrist with his paw, nervously): So uh sorry I missed your birthday Onstad / Roast Beef (handing him a bottle): All I had around was this bottle of Asahi / [[Onstad reaches down and takes the bottle, crooking his finger around the neck. The bottle is about as big as his hand]]
/ Roast Beef (looking down forlornly): I guess I realize that it is basically a pretty cruddy present / Roast Beef: I didn't know how cold you would like it uh so I didn't chill it or anything
/ Shucks I guess I should have chilled it though huh / Roast Beef (slapping foreheard): stupid
/ STUPID
/ you ALWAYS mess stuff up / Roast Beef (clutching wrist again): Anyway I was bidding on eBay for this Jane's Addiction shirt for you
/ 'cause I remember you used to like that band / Roast Beef: Anyways
/ I got outbid but I did at least try / [[Onstad reaches down and picks up Roast Beef, who looks bemused]] / {{title text: he loves the little cat Roast Beef}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06162003 |
| Achewood - June 16, 2003 | Roast Beef (clutching his wrist with his paw, nervously): So uh sorry I missed your birthday Onstad / Roast Beef (handing him a bottle): All I had around was this bottle of Asahi / [[Onstad reaches down and takes the bottle, crooking his finger around the neck. The bottle is about as big as his hand]]
/ Roast Beef (looking down forlornly): I guess I realize that it is basically a pretty cruddy present / Roast Beef: I didn't know how cold you would like it uh so I didn't chill it or anything
/ Shucks I guess I should have chilled it though huh / Roast Beef (slapping foreheard): stupid
/ STUPID
/ you ALWAYS mess stuff up / Roast Beef (clutching wrist again): Anyway I was bidding on eBay for this Jane's Addiction shirt for you
/ 'cause I remember you used to like that band / Roast Beef: Anyways
/ I got outbid but I did at least try / [[Onstad reaches down and picks up Roast Beef, who looks bemused]] / {{title text: he loves the little cat Roast Beef}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06162003 |
| Achewood - June 16, 2003 | Roast Beef (clutching his wrist with his paw, nervously): So uh sorry I missed your birthday Onstad / Roast Beef (handing him a bottle): All I had around was this bottle of Asahi / [[Onstad reaches down and takes the bottle, crooking his finger around the neck. The bottle is about as big as his hand]]
/ Roast Beef (looking down forlornly): I guess I realize that it is basically a pretty cruddy present / Roast Beef: I didn't know how cold you would like it uh so I didn't chill it or anything
/ Shucks I guess I should have chilled it though huh / Roast Beef (slapping foreheard): stupid
/ STUPID
/ you ALWAYS mess stuff up / Roast Beef (clutching wrist again): Anyway I was bidding on eBay for this Jane's Addiction shirt for you
/ 'cause I remember you used to like that band / Roast Beef: Anyways
/ I got outbid but I did at least try / [[Onstad reaches down and picks up Roast Beef, who looks bemused]] / {{title text: he loves the little cat Roast Beef}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06162003 |
| Achewood - June 16, 2004 | Teodor: How's your campaign coming, Philippe?
/ Teodor: Did you put all your platform ideas on Post-its like I suggested?
/ Philippe: Yes! / [[Post-it note]]
/ a person who has a truck should not honk a bunch / [[Post-it note]]
/ If you get run over by a train, then that is very sad, but it could have been prevented / [[Post-it note]]
/ We should call Mexico and set up a meeting http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06162004 |
| Achewood - June 16, 2004 | Teodor: How's your campaign coming, Philippe?
/ Teodor: Did you put all your platform ideas on Post-its like I suggested?
/ Philippe: Yes! / [[Post-it note]]
/ a person who has a truck should not honk a bunch / [[Post-it note]]
/ If you get run over by a train, then that is very sad, but it could have been prevented / [[Post-it note]]
/ We should call Mexico and set up a meeting / {{alt text: Several ideas did not make the cut.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06162004 |
| Achewood - June 16, 2006 | {{Mouseover: "These are the four cars that define a man's soul"}} / Ray: Alright men, this is where the Badass Games get scientific! / Roast Beef: We gonna administer a test to determine your psychological profile doggs / Ray: This test is virtually impossible to cheat! Just go with your gut!
/ Beef: Here are your number two pencils / [[SOON.]] / [[Téodor is taking his psych profile test]]
/ 1. Of the following vehicles, which would you prefer to drive? / a) The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile
/ Téodor: Heh! / b) The Team Audi Le Mans R10
/ Téodor: Hm. / c) The ZZ Top '33 Ford Eliminator
/ [[Téodor scratches head]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06162006 |
| Achewood - June 17, 2002 | Teodor: Hey Pat, you wanna go check out Ray's ne brew pub?
/ Pat: That fool opened a brew pub? / Teodor: Come on, it'll be a good time!
/ Pat: That fool don't know how to open no brew pub / SOON / Ray: Hello, gentleman! Could I interest you in a fine ale, and perhaps our special half-pound Ahi burger?
/ Pat: We'll have two beers, jackass! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06172002 |
| Achewood - June 17, 2002 | [[Teodor is speaking via telephone to Pat]]
/ Teodor: Hey Pat, you wanna go check out Ray's ne brew pub?
/ Pat: That fool opened a brew pub? / Teodor: Come on, it'll be a good time!
/ Pat: That fool don't know how to open no brew pub / [[Panel Separator : SOON]] / [[Ray is standing behind a long table set up in front of a garage door. There is a banner over his head reading "RAY'S PLACE". Teodor and Pat enter from front left. Pat is wearing a jaunty porkpie.]]
/ Ray: Hello, gentleman! Could I interest you in a fine ale, and perhaps our special half-pound Ahi burger?
/ Pat: We'll have two beers, jackass! / {{alt text: You can't open no brewpub, you JACKASS}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06172002 |
| Achewood - June 17, 2002 | Teodor: Hey Pat, you wanna go check out Ray's new brew pub?
/ Pat: That fool opened a brew pub? / Teodor: Come on, it'll be a good time!
/ Pat: That fool don't know how to open no brew pub / SOON / Ray: Hello, gentleman! Could I interest you in a fine ale, and perhaps our special half-pound Ahi burger?
/ Pat: We'll have two beers, jackass! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06172002 |
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