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| Achewood - June 23, 2006 - Badass Games finale | {{Mouseover: "The monogrammed hankies ploy is calculated to get Cornelius over in a hurry"}} / CONGRATULATIONS CORNELIUS BEAR / [[Shot of Cornelius in evening wear with martini glass standing next to bus with "THE OLD SCHOOL" printed in a gothic font face, gothic arch windows, gargoyles, oil lamp headlights, etc]] / THE BADASS GAMES
/ •CREATE BREAD
/ •RAP WITH A CON
/ •CAR THINK-OFF
/ •DOG CHALLENGE / WINNER 2006 / [[Ray & Roast Beef conversing]]
/ Ray: Dude, I am totally impressed with Cornelius. We should build him that old-school bus I was describin'.
/ Beef: Oh totally like all with the bound works of Herodotus linin' the interior cornice / Ray: I would like to get this done. / Beef: Yeah the idea is that the horn will play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring
/ [[Lyle peeks in from around a corner in the background for no apparent reason]] / Ray [on phone]: Cornelius! Those monogrammed hankies you won in the Badass Games just showed up! Come over! What? Yeah there war a prize! We didn't tell you? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06232006 |
| Achewood - June 23, 2006 - Badass Games finale | {{Mouseover: "The monogrammed hankies ploy is calculated to get Cornelius over in a hurry"}} / CONGRATULATIONS CORNELIUS BEAR / [[Shot of Cornelius in evening wear with martini glass standing next to bus with "THE OLD SCHOOL" printed in a gothic font face, gothic arch windows, gargoyles, oil lamp headlights, etc]] / THE BADASS GAMES
/ •CREATE BREAD
/ •RAP WITH A CON
/ •CAR THINK-OFF
/ •DOG CHALLENGE / WINNER 2006 / [[Ray & Roast Beef conversing]]
/ Ray: Dude, I am totally impressed with Cornelius. We should build him that old-school bus I was describin'.
/ Beef: Oh totally like all with the bound works of Herodotus linin' the interior cornice / Ray: I would like to get this done. / [[In a different room. Ray peers at a list. Beef instructs Lyle, who is perched on what appears to be the bus, in progress]] / Beef [instructing Lyle]: Yeah the idea is that the horn will play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring /
/ Ray [on phone]: Cornelius! Those monogrammed hankies you won in the Badass Games just showed up! Come over! What? Yeah there was a prize! We didn't tell you? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06232006 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06232009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06232009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - June 24, 2002 | [[Interior of Pat's rocket ship. Roast Beef, wearing a helmet, stands in the cockpit talking on Pat's cellphone. Motion lines indicate that he is shaking.]]
/ Roast Beef: Pat how do I land this thing
/ Can you tell me pretty quick / [[The chair and console in the cockpit are now shaking as well]]
/ Pat (V.O.): You see that blue button right in the middle of the console? {{Pat's 'over the phone' speech bubble has square corners and a zig-zag tail, suggesting electronic communication.}} / [[On Earth, Pat, still wearing his awful pork-pie hat, on the phone. Ray is visible in the background, looking shocked.]]
/ Roast Beef (V.O.): Uh yeah I just pressed it and it made some classical music play
/ I didn't know that you liked classical music Pat I do too
/ Ray: You drove him away with your mean-ness, Pat! {{Curiously, Beef's phone bubble has a zig-zag tail but rounded corners like the standard Achewood speech bubble.}} / [[Ray is still Greek-chorusing in the background and has been joined by Teodor in a 'Lifestyle' teeshirt. Apologies, I can't make the accent in Teodor's name on this computer.]]
/ Pat: That's just the sound system! Press the button next to it. That begins the landing sequence.
/ Ray: Oh Pat, for shame! For shame, Pat!
/ Teodor: What's up? / [[Two-shot of Ray and Teodor.]]
/ Ray: Pat was so mean to Roast Beef over the years that Beef finally flew himself into outer space!
/ Teodor: Holy cripes! / [[Extreme long shot of the shaking rocket diving towards the Moon's surface.]]
/ Caption: WHAT WILL BECOME OF ROAST BEEF?
/ IS HE DEFINITELY GOING TO DIE?
/ FIND OUT TOMORROW! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06242002 |
| Beef Smokes Weed | [[Roast Beef takes a hit from the joint.]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06242003 |
| Beef Smokes Weed | [[Roast Beef takes a hit from the joint.]] < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06242003 |
| Achewood - June 24, 2004 | [[Exterior, daytime - Ray and Cornelius Bear are hanging out and having drinks at Ray's place.]]
/ Ray: Whatchu' drinkin' there, Cornelius! You know I get my Sad on when folks bring they own bev!
/ Cornelius: Pimm's, old top. Try a snoot. / [[Ray tries a sip of Cornelius's beverage.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06242004 |
| Achewood - June 24, 2004 | [[Exterior, daytime - Ray and Cornelius Bear are hanging out and having drinks at Ray's place.]]
/ Ray: Whatchu' drinkin' there, Cornelius! You know I get my Sad on when folks bring they own bev!
/ Cornelius: Pimm's, old top. Try a snoot. / [[Ray tries a sip of Cornelius's beverage.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06242004 |
| Achewood - June 24, 2005 | [[Newspaper header]] The Philippe Times. Back Page: No Girls Allowed! Vol 7 No. 5
/ Friday Facts!
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief! [[Picture of Philippe]]
/ ***MEDICAL FACTS***
/ ASK most doctors what type of surgery they hate to do the most, and they will say "to cut a person;'s head off."
/ The symbol for doctors is two snakes wrapped around a flying thermometer. That is so 80s.
/ Don't want a disease? Rub mustard on your cut! The bible says that mustard is what Belshazzar used to heal Gonsson. (A"poultice," or so says trusted source L.B.)
/ DID YOU EVER WONDER...
/ If Iraq was the capital of Iran, would THAT solve their problems?
/ I hate to say it, but salmon must be the dumbest fish in the ocean! Why else would we always eat them all up?
/ Whatever you do, don't ever tell a mad woman that you know what she was about to say. That is some sound advice from R.B., an old friend of mine who has had a bad life.
/ Did you know that worms can change their gender even after they're born? That's right! So if you put a boy worm down, and he turns into a girl, you shouldn't yell at him.
/ [[Picture of Ray by a pair of speakers and a martini.]]
/ [[Caption:]]Ray with his speakers.
/ Ray has some old speakers for sale. Email him for details.
/ Ever wonder how hard you can kick a soccer ball before it explodes? Maybe the military has the right equipment. If you are in the Army, let's have a meeting. [I am not kidding. --Philippe.]
/ NEVER MAKE FUN OF a person who is holding a gun to their head. They could be serious.
/ Keys! That is what most people forget when they leave the house. The next-most-forgotten item is the humble Quahog clam. Wait, I am having trouble reading my notes. Looks like somebody needs to sharpen his Burnt Sienna!
/ [[Bold footnote]] CORRECTION: Téodor should not have made fun of Chef Mario and his skinny friend when I let him write the Fun Facts Page. Chef Mario is super nice and he cooks little fat sardines! I love him.
/ -Philippe! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06242005 |
| Achewood - June 24, 2008 | Roast Beef: Alright T-dogg let's uh let's see that big magnum opus wedding menu you been geniusin' on for so many days
/ Teodor: Et voila! I have a copy for myself so we can compare notes. / [[Excerpt from a fancy menu with the following meal plan]]
/ Amuse Guele
/ Shaved Tsukiji Market Hamachi "Ravioli" with Quail Yolk and Chive-Tobiko Mousse
/ The Salad
/ Hudson Valley Duck Breast "Prosciutto" with Basque Peach Chutney and Yuzu Vinaigrette
/ The Entree
/ Duet of Myceneaen Beef and Welsh Lobster
/ Sauce Espagnole with Lyon Artichokes Barigoulu, Braised Nazareth Almonds
/ Cake/Mignardises
/ [[menu cuts off]] / [[Roast Beef with a pained look]] / Teodor: What? What's the matter? You look like I just handed you a ticket to go see owls get strangled. / Roast Beef: Oh no dogg uh this is great you totally did a nice job
/ Teodor: Don't lie! That's not how you act when you're happy about something! / Roast Beef: Well it's just like uh I mean this menu has a bigger carbon footprint than the '88 Olympics
/ Teodor: Oh, right. That's your big thing these days. / Roast Beef: Can't we use ingredients that are native to this area and stuff
/ Teodor: You know what grows around here? Raccoons. Front lawns and raccoons. How about a raccoon tikka masala? Blue fescue pesto? / Roast Beef: Don't be a prima donna dude this is my wedding and plus nobody in my family is gonna understand this food
/ Teodor: Fine! They can go back to the motel and eat ranch dressing over microwave rice, just like at home! / Roast Beef: I GOT ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT WITH OUT YOU BEIN' A VITTLES BITCH! YOU ARE -OFF- THIS ASSIGNMENT!
/ Teodor: I'LL KNOW YOU'RE MARRIED WHEN I SMELL THE ALPO BAR! / {{The small bear is being unreasonable because he wants to show off.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06242008 |
| Achewood - June 25, 2002 | [[Wide, panoramic shot of the surface of the moon, its curvature visible at the horizon. At far left Roast Beef stands, the expanse of near-blankness before him. He is wearing a helmet but is otherwise unprotected from the lack of atmosphere. He seems to be doing fine.]]
/ Roast Beef: dang / Roast Beef: so peaceful and quiet / [[Beef crouches and writes 'JAVA' with his finger on the dusty ground.]]
/ Roast Beef: I could think about computer programming forever up here.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06252002 |
| Achewood - June 25, 2007 | Ray: Hey Téodor! You got the juice to make me a baseball card? / Téodor: What would you put on it? You don't play baseball. / Ray: Right. Just make me a card, but like of life. My stats and stuff. I'll pay you a hundo. See you in an hour?
/ Téodor: Okay, you're on. / Caption: SOON.
/ [[Shot of card reading:
/ toppps!
/ RAY SMUCKLES]] / [[Shot of card reading:
/ NAME: RAYMOND QUENTIN SMUCKLES
/ DECLARED OCCUPATION: MOGUL
/ OBSERVED OCCUPATION:
/ -
/ ASS MAN: 1986-2007 (21 SEASONS)
/ BREAST MAN: 2007-2008 (ROOKIE)
/ -
/ FAVORITE TRENDY VINTAGE UNGUENT / MODERN FINISHING GEL: CAPTAIN CARELESS'S MIRACULOUS NOTION / PAUL MITCHELL "CRAVE" ($63, 4oz.)
/ Wi-Fi - UNDERSTANDS? "IT'S JUST COMPUTERS IN AN AREA, MAN. LIKE AT STARBUCKS. YOU SEE THOSE DUDES EVERYWHERE."
/ Wi-Fi - INVESTS: Y]] / [[Shot of card reading:
/ PAGE 5
/ PHRASE FOR JOKING AWAY SOME GAS: "DAAAMN! SOMEBODY JUST STEP ON A BURRITO AT THIS PLACE?"
/ -
/ GREENHOUSE EMISSIONS FOOTPRINT: LEAVES FRIDGE DOOR OPEN DURING ENTIRE PREPARATION OF DINNER
/ -
/ LAST DATED: HOOCHIE MAMA WITH STIFF PAGEBOY AND GREEN OLDSMOBILE ACHIEVA (2001-2002 SEASON)
/ -
/ CLUMSIEST "ROOKIE BREAST MAN" EUPHEMISM: "DUDE, THAT CHICK HAD CHILI-MELONS!"]] / {{Alt text: Ray assumes that graphic design usually takes about an hour.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06252007 |
| Achewood - June 25, 2007 | Ray: Hey Téodor! You got the juice to make me a baseball card? / Téodor: What would you put on it? You don't play baseball. / Ray: Right. Just make me a card, but like of life. My stats and stuff. I'll pay you a hundo. See you in an hour?
/ Téodor: Okay, you're on. / Caption: SOON.
/ [[Shot of card reading:
/ toppps!
/ RAY SMUCKLES]] / [[Shot of card reading:
/ NAME: RAYMOND QUENTIN SMUCKLES
/ DECLARED OCCUPATION: MOGUL
/ OBSERVED OCCUPATION:
/ -
/ ASS MAN: 1986-2007 (21 SEASONS)
/ BREAST MAN: 2007-2008 (ROOKIE)
/ -
/ FAVORITE TRENDY VINTAGE UNGUENT / MODERN FINISHING GEL: CAPTAIN CARELESS'S MIRACULOUS NOTION / PAUL MITCHELL "CRAVE" ($63, 4oz.)
/ Wi-Fi - UNDERSTANDS? "IT'S JUST COMPUTERS IN AN AREA, MAN. LIKE AT STARBUCKS. YOU SEE THOSE DUDES EVERYWHERE."
/ Wi-Fi - INVESTS: Y]] / [[Shot of card reading:
/ PAGE 5
/ PHRASE FOR JOKING AWAY SOME GAS: "DAAAMN! SOMEBODY JUST STEP ON A BURRITO AT THIS PLACE?"
/ -
/ GREENHOUSE EMISSIONS FOOTPRINT: LEAVES FRIDGE DOOR OPEN DURING ENTIRE PREPARATION OF DINNER
/ -
/ LAST DATED: HOOCHIE MAMA WITH STIFF PAGEBOY AND GREEN OLDSMOBILE ACHIEVA (2001-2002 SEASON)
/ -
/ CLUMSIEST "ROOKIE BREAST MAN" EUPHEMISM: "DUDE, THAT CHICK HAD CHILI-MELONS!"]] / {{Alt text: Ray assumes that graphic design usually takes about an hour.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06252007 |
| Achewood - June 25, 2008 | Molly: So you just fired our caterer, photographer, deejay, and maid of honor? / Roast Beef: He was also gonna help out with place cards and table decorations
/ Molly: BEEF! It's ten days 'til the wedding! You have to go apologize to him! / Roast Beef: Man I can take care of all of that stuff myself I ain't no dummy / Molly: Tell me how you're even going to get a deejay on such short notice! And don't you dare think you're going to hire one of Ray's hacky friends! / AKKOLADE: AWWW yeahhhhh ladies and gentlemen...
/ AKKOLADE: We got a fiiiine lookin' crowd up ins to-NITE! Y'all make me wanna...y'all make me wanna... / AKKOLADE: MAKE LOOOOOVE TO YA' FACE! MAKE LOOOOVE AT THIS PLACE! / AKKOLADE (OS): We got a...a Aunt Nina in the house? Awwwww yeah, Aunt Nina. Here it comes, girl.
/ AKKOLADE (OS): I WAH-NAH TOUCH YOU ALL OOOVER!
/ Uncle George: Nina! He says this! / AKKOLADE (OS): Now that must be Uncle George sittin' nect to you, girl. Uncle George? Uncle George, can you hear me?
/ Uncle George: Yayyys? / AKKOLADE: Uncle George, I got to...I got to...
/ AKKOLADE: I-GOT-TO GET UP IN YA, BAY-BEE! / Roast Beef: JUST LET ME HANDLE THiS OKAY I CAN HANDLE ALL THIS STUPID CRAP JUST FINE ! / Molly: NO YOU CAN'T, BEEF! YOU'LL HAVE A PANIC ATTACK AND NOTHING WILL GET DONE AND OUR GUESTS WILL EAT RAY'S TOPIARIES AND I'LL BE ASHAMED OF OUR WEDDING FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES! / Roast Beef: IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME THEN FINE ! I GUESS IT'S GOOD THIS WEDDING IS FALLIN' APART ! MAYBE IT'S A SIGN !
/ Molly: IF ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS YOURSELF THEN I THINK I WANT OUT TOO! YOU ASSHOLE! / {{alt text: You know it's not going well if your fiancee is screaming that you are an asshole.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06252008 |
| Achewood - June 26, 2002 | [[This strip takes place in an unspecified location in Achewood. Pat is on the phone with Roast Beef, who is on the moon, while Ray acts as Greek chorus.]]
/ Pat: Well what's THAT supposed to mean?
/ I do so like The Cure "for real"!
/ Ray: You like The Cure, Pat? / Pat: Oh, he's all high and mighty now that he's on the moon!
/ Talkin' down my musical tastes! / Ray: But Pat, The Cure is silly! It is silly to like The Cure!
/ Pat: Oh there you go, joinin' in, just like always! I guess friends DON'T change! / Ray: No, Really! They are realy silly people! Stop listening to them!
/ Pat: What the... why the hell you care so much?
/ Roast Beef (speech bubble emerging from the phone): They suck pretty bad huh Ray / Ray (hands cupped round his mouth to make his voice carry): That's Right, Roast Beef! Say, how you doin'?
/ Roast Beef: Pretty good now that I am 239,000 miles from The Cure. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06262002 |
| Achewood - June 26, 2002 | [[This strip takes place in an unspecified location in Achewood. Pat is on the phone with Roast Beef, who is on the moon, while Ray acts as Greek chorus.]]
/ Pat: Well what's THAT supposed to mean?
/ I do so like The Cure "for real"!
/ Ray: You like The Cure, Pat? / Pat: Oh, he's all high and mighty now that he's on the moon!
/ Talkin' down my musical tastes! / Ray: But Pat, The Cure is silly! It is silly to like The Cure!
/ Pat: Oh there you go, joinin' in, just like always! I guess friends DON'T change! / Ray: No, Really! They are really silly people! Stop listening to them!
/ Pat: What the... why the hell you care so much?
/ Roast Beef (speech bubble emerging from the phone): They suck pretty bad huh Ray / Ray (hands cupped round his mouth to make his voice carry): That's Right, Roast Beef! Say, how you doin'?
/ Roast Beef: Pretty good now that I am 239,000 miles from The Cure. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06262002 |
| Achewood - June 26, 2003 | [[ Ray Smuckles squats next to Roast Beef, who is lying on the ground, eyes closed. ]]
/ Ray: Hey BEEF! You threw up! How come? / [[ Nightlife looks cool holding his joint. ]]
/ Nightlife: Let's leave this cat alone. He is obviously in no state to participate. / [[ Silhouettes of Ray and Nightlife talk on the edge of the green. Ray looks nice as a silhouette. ]]
/ Ray: I mean, he's got a nervous stomach from way back, but I ain't never seen anybody get all ill from just weed!
/ Nightlife: Let's leave him in the shade while we finish out the round. / [[ Silhouette of Ray next to a golf cart. ]]
/ Ray: Ain't it illegal to leave stoned people lyin' around in public? Let's put him in the cart. /
/ [[ More silhouettes of Ray and Nightlife ]]
/ Nightlife: Strap him in with the bags, then. We can't afford him havin' an incident up front. I got a credit card deposit on this bad mother. / [[ Ray has lines shooting from his head to express his shock at seeing Beef wrrrrrrrr-ing away in the golfcart. Beef looks high as hell. ]]
/ Ray: Whoah! Hey, Beef! Don't be drivin' that thing! You're completely HIGH AS HELL!
/ << a WRRRRRRRR sound is coming from the golfcart >> / {{ Alt. Text: This strip posted mathematically late }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06262003 |
| Achewood - June 26, 2006 | [[THE SMUCKLES ESTATE]]
/ Ray (on phone): Yeah, Achewood police? This is Ray Smuckles, 11 Via Vera. / Well, it's my damn neighbor. He's been sellin' car parts outta his driveway for the last six weekends straight. / What's the problem? Let me illustrate this for you. Ahem. Listen. / You know who buys car parts out of a dude's driveway? Dirtbags. / This means my neighbourhood is crawling with dirtbags every weekend. They'be even been knockin' on MY door, askin' if I'm sellin' MY car parts.
/ My car parts are on my car, by the way. / One guy would not, could not accept that I was not selling my rims. He almost took a swing at me. / How should I know if I provoked him?! We're talkin' about people who piss into empties in their own living room! / Details? He said "faggot" the way old telegrams said STOP. I couldn't tell if he had a haircut or not. I think he was pissing into an empty. / Hey, don't joke. You get a lineup of dudes pissing into empties, you call me. I'm serious. / {{alttext: Seven men pissing into empties, calling you faggot. They cannot see you.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06262006 |
| Achewood - June 26, 2007 | Ray: ...you ask me, they should be sharp as HELL... / Lyle: What did you just say?!
/ Ray: I said helicopter blades should have razor-sharp edges! / Lyle: DUDE! You want the edges to be blunt, so if it hits your head it makes it explode!
/ Ray: No. Listen. Who's gonna look slicker in the casket---Johnny Cleanslice, or Timmy Headloaf? You KNOW morticians got to rebuild the head for the viewing.
/ Have some thoughtfulness, Lyle. / Lyle: You listen to me! The more of your head explodes, the faster you're outta your misery! Who cares what happens next? / Ray: Everybody else, maybe? Like I said, you have a really selfish idea of how to die from helicopters! / Lyle: YOU RICH BASTARDS ARE SO HUNG UP ON YOUR GODDAMN DECORUM YOU FORGET WHAT MATTERS!
/ Ray: Sorry, mom. So, like I was sayin'--- / {{Alt text: Typically, Ray fails to take into account the actual aerodynamic requirements of a propellor.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06262007 |
| Achewood - June 26, 2007 | Ray: ...you ask me, they should be sharp as HELL... / Lyle: What did you just say?!
/ Ray: I said helicopter blades should have razor-sharp edges! / Lyle: DUDE! You want the edges to be blunt, so if it hits your head it makes it explode!
/ Ray: No. Listen. Who's gonna look slicker in the casket---Johnny Cleanslice, or Timmy Headloaf? You KNOW morticians got to rebuild the head for the viewing.
/ Have some thoughtfulness, Lyle. / Lyle: You listen to me! The more of your head explodes, the faster you're outta your misery! Who cares what happens next? / Ray: Everybody else, maybe? Like I said, you have a really selfish idea of how to die from helicopters! / Lyle: YOU RICH BASTARDS ARE SO HUNG UP ON YOUR GODDAMN DECORUM YOU FORGET WHAT MATTERS!
/ Ray: Sorry, mom. So, like I was sayin'--- / {{Alt text: Typically, Ray fails to take into account the actual aerodynamic requirements of a propellor.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06262007 |
| Achewood § June 26, 2008 | Ray: Hey folks! It's...
/ the HOME STRETCH / Your goal is to survive the week up to and through the wedding reception, get into the limousine with your new spouse, and leave. / Roll die to advance. One roll per turn. (Die not included) / RULES: Only those with a positive score can advance into the limo and get away from the reception. Once you land on the limo square, you are inexorably drawn up the black path and cannot turn back. Good luck, and enjoy! / BEGIN!
/ ONE WEEK UNTIL WEDDING / Cohabitation reveals that your betrothed is the one person designed to make you craziest in this world
/ -12 / Relatives from rural area insist you open their gift at the reception. It is, ha ha, edible underwear
/ -2 / Neighbor has dog championship during outdoor ceremony
/ -6 / Best man can't be woken up - at all
/ -1 / Bride agrees to let groom just do lurchy side-to-side thing during first dance
/ +5 / Guy from high school shows up with his family, assuming that everyone from high school was invited
/ -2 / Some chick's boyfriend wears Bluetooth earpiece during entire ceremony and reception
/ -1 / Only band available for reception is high school jazz two-piece named "Palimpsest"
/ -8 / Vegan argues with boyfriend over by far hedge the entire time
/ {0} / Locusts
/ -3 / Guffawing girl with gums like Secretariat somehow in background of every picture of you and your new spouse
/ -8 / Lice
/ -3 / Bride overhears your uncle say, "Herb Alpert. Now THAT is pussy shavin' music."
/ -10 / An elderly man's pocket square rises slowly throughout the evening, indicating his level of drunkenness
/ +5 / Chunky college freshman cousin drinks seven gin & tonics, invents new web-based social networking platform
/ -2 / GET IN LIMO
/ Must land exactly on square to advance to limo, must have positive score / Frogs
/ -3 / Some ethnic kid with a diamond earring keeps jumping his Razor scooter off the stage
/ -20 / Bachelor party executed by yakuza in Las Vegas hotel room
/ START OVER / Two guys named Morty get in a fight over which guy is Morty
/ +35 / WAVE GOOD-BYE / Limo rigged with explosives by Mara Salvatrucha, word's deadliest gang
/ OH SHIIIIIT / {{alt text: Particularly}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06262008 |
| Achewood - June 27, 2002 | [[This strip takes place over six panels empty of anything but the head and shoulders of Ray, at lower left. He is equipped with a martini glass. The tone is reflective and melancholy.]]
/ Ray: You know, before he left, Roast Beef and I always said that we were gonna start a rap company someday... / Ray: We had all kinds of raps that we were pretty sure we could sell to the big names... / Ray: We had raps about shooting out windows, we had raps about what it might be like to have eye problems, about how you shouldn't hit yourself when you make a mistake... all sorts of stuff. / [[Ray covers his eyes with one arm.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06272002 |
| Achewood - June 27, 2003 | Roast Beef: Okay it looks like I'm drivin' a golf cart / Roast Beef: I understand this information
/ Roast Beef: That's cool that's cool / Roast Beef: If I do not mess up I can probably park the cart somewhere logical and sneak off / Roast Beef: I could go home and hide beneath the sink with a yellow pillow and some cigars / Roast Beef: I could set up a nice small stereo and enjoy some nice Johannesburg Riesling / Roast Beef: I could read some magazines from my childhood such as Bananas and Thrasher
/ Roast Beef: That would be fun / Roast Beef: man that actually sounds awesome! / [[Roast Beef drives the golf cart off a cliff]] / {{Alt. Text: The cat does not see the cliff}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06272003 |
| Achewood - June 27, 2005 | Teodor; Who put all these soda bottles in the middle of the hallway? I can't get past! / Lyle; Shaddup, you! I'm bowlin'! / Teodor; Then where's your bowling ball? / Lyle; Hold on. / Lyle; HEY PHILLIPE! There's some weird sign at the end of this hallway, says "Platform Nine and Three-Quarters"! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06272005 |
| Achewood - June 28, 2002 | [[An unidentified room, probably in the Onstad house. Ray and Phillippe are wearing cowboy hats at jaunty angles.]]
/ Ray: I'm sorry Phillippe. Dressing up like cowboys just isn't... just isn't cheering me up at all.
/ Phillippe: But Ray! Cowboys! / [[Philippe looks upset.]]
/ Ray: It... It's not your fault.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06282002 |
| Achewood - June 28, 2002 | [[An unidentified room, probably in the Onstad house. Ray and Phillippe are wearing cowboy hats at jaunty angles.]]
/ Ray: I'm sorry Phillippe.
/ Ray: Dressing up like cowboys just isn't... just isn't cheering me up at all.
/ Philippe: But Ray!
/ Philippe: Cowboys! / [[Philippe looks upset]]
/ Ray: It... It's not your fault.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06282002 |
| Achewood - June 28, 2004 | [[Ray and Roast Beef sit in comfortable chairs.]]
/ Ray: ...So like it ain't bad enough that Little Nephew got himself the Stone Cold F Grade in History this quarter...
/ but now he's fallin' in with that damn Goth crowd! / Roast Beef: Goths man huh like dang old Arachnea Gehenna from high school times
/ All photos of her in a graveyard on her Senior page / Ray: Yeah, all with the date and time stamp still showin' 'cause she couldn't figure out how to work her Nikon!
/ Roast Beef: All showing that it was just like seven thirty-five PM which ain't exactly too petrifying of an hour / Ray: No sir, not exactly the witching hour.
/ Roast Beef: Maybe the hour of playing a Bauhaus tape and pulling a quarter out of your ear but yes definitely no witching / Ray: What's she doin' these days, anyway? Maybe I can use her as an example of how Goths don't succeed in the world. / Roast Beef: Man you got to realize that Goths reject the normal ideas of society and success
/ Their dream job is to like drift around the Paris sewers in a swishy cape while weeping http://achewood.com/?date=06282004 |
| Achewood - June 28, 2004 | [[Ray and Roast Beef sit in comfortable chairs.]]
/ Ray: ...So like it ain't bad enough that Little Nephew got himself the Stone Cold F Grade in History this quarter...
/ but now he's fallin' in with that damn Goth crowd! / Roast Beef: Goths man huh like dang old Arachnea Gehenna from high school times
/ All photos of her in a graveyard on her Senior page / Ray: Yeah, all with the date and time stamp still showin' 'cause she couldn't figure out how to work her Nikon!
/ Roast Beef: All showing that it was just like seven thirty-five PM which ain't exactly too petrifying of an hour / Ray: No sir, not exactly the witching hour.
/ Roast Beef: Maybe the hour of playing a Bauhaus tape and pulling a quarter out of your ear but yes definitely no witching / Ray: What's she doin' these days, anyway? Maybe I can use her as an example of how Goths don't succeed in the world. / Roast Beef: Man you got to realize that Goths reject the normal ideas of society and success
/ Their dream job is to like drift around the Paris sewers in a swishy cape while weeping http://achewood.com/?date=06282004 |
| Little Nephew and the Goths | [[Ray and Roast Beef are sitting in matching recliners]] / Ray: ...So like it ain't bad enough that Little Nephew got himself the Stone Cold F Grade in History this quarter...But now he's fallin' in with that damn Goth crowd! / Roast Beef: Goths man huh like dang old Arachnea Gehenna from high school times
/ All photos of her in a graveyard on her Senior page / Ray: Yeah, all with the date and time stamp still showin' 'cause she couldn't figure out how to work her Nikon!
/ Roast Beef: All showing that it was just like seven thirty-five PM which ain't exactly too petrifying of an hour
/ [[Camera timestamp reads 7:35 PM November 25 1992']] / Ray: No sir, not exactly the witching hour.
/ Roast Beef: Maybe the hour of playing a Bauhaus tape and pulling a quarter out of your ear but yes definately no witching / Ray: What's she doin' these days, anyway? Maybe I can use her as an example of how Goths don't succeed in the world. / Roast Beef: Man you got to realize that Goths reject the normal ideas of society and success
/ Their dream job is to like drift around the paris sewers in a swishy cape while weeping / {{Alttext: IN THE FLAT FIEEEEEEEEEELLLDS! (produces quarter from ear)}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06282004 |
| Little Nephew and the Goths | [[Ray and Roast Beef are sitting in matching recliners]]
/ Ray: ...So like it ain't bad enough that Little Nephew got himself the Stone Cold F Grade in History this quarter...But now he's fallin' in with that damn Goth crowd! / Roast Beef: Goths man huh like dang old Arachnea Gehenna from high school times
/ All photos of her in a graveyard on her Senior page / Ray: Yeah, all with the date and time stamp still showin' 'cause she couldn't figure out how to work her Nikon!
/ Roast Beef: All showing that it was just like seven thirty-five PM which ain't exactly too petrifying of an hour
/ [[Camera timestamp reads 7:35 PM November 25 1992']] / Ray: No sir, not exactly the witching hour.
/ Roast Beef: Maybe the hour of playing a Bauhaus tape and pulling a quarter out of your ear but yes definately no witching / Ray: What's she doin' these days, anyway? Maybe I can use her as an example of how Goths don't succeed in the world. / Roast Beef: Man you got to realize that Goths reject the normal ideas of society and success
/ Their dream job is to like drift around the paris sewers in a swishy cape while weeping / {{Alttext: IN THE FLAT FIEEEEEEEEEELLLDS! (produces quarter from ear)}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06282004 |
| Ray's Drawing Therapy | [[Ray sits drawing. Téodor looks on.]]
/ Téodor: What are you drawing, Ray?
/ Ray: A violin, dude. Hold on. / [[Ray holds up piece of paper]]
/ Ray: ...there. Done. / [[Teodor examines drawing]]
/ Téodor: Pretty good. What's the ideas?
/ Ray: It's my new therapy I been goin' to. Every time I feel insecure about something', I teach myself to draw a really high-quality picture of it. / Teodor: Oh, like to help you confront it? / Ray: Exactly, dogg. It is real straightforward stuff. I ain't into those therapies where they have you memorize random numbers and shit. / Téodor: Mind if I see some of your other drawings?
/ Ray: Might as well, dude. That stuff don't hurt me no more. / [[Closeup of crude drawing of Charlie Chaplin with nothing on his face but eyebrows and moustache / mustache. CHAPLIN written along the side.]] / [[Teodor looks through papers]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06282006 |
| Achewood - June 28, 2007 - New Bidet | [Philippe is walking down the hallway joyfully.]
/ Philippe: They put a drinking fountain for dogs in the bathroom! What a neat decision!! / [Philippe encounters Lyle.]
/ Lyle: No they didn't. That's the new bidet.
/ Philippe: Huh? What's a bidet? / [Close up of Lyle, who is speaking with VIGOR]
/ Lyle: It shoots water up your butt. / [Close up of Philippe, who seems sad/distressed by this fact.] / [Both Philippe and Lyle]
/ Philippe: Like...in a mean way?
/ Lyle: A bidet's only as mean as the guy usin' it. / [Only Philippe is shown]
/ Philippe: Oh...I see. Well, here goes nothing. I guess. If I mess up and get too mean, You can have my Action Rangers. / [Philippe opens the bathroom door very cautiously]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06282007 |
| Achewood - June 28, 2007 - New Bidet | [Philippe is walking down the hallway joyfully.]
/ Philippe: They put a drinking fountain for dogs in the bathroom! What a neat decision!! / [Philippe encounters Lyle.]
/ Lyle: No they didn't. That's the new bidet.
/ Philippe: Huh? What's a bidet? / [Close up of Lyle, who is speaking with VIGOR]
/ Lyle: It shoots water up your butt. / [Close up of Philippe, who seems sad/distressed by this fact.] / [Both Philippe and Lyle]
/ Philippe: Like...in a mean way?
/ Lyle: A bidet's only as mean as the guy usin' it. / [Only Philippe is shown]
/ Philippe: Oh...I see. Well, here goes nothing. I guess. If I mess up and get too mean, You can have my Action Rangers. / [Philippe opens the bathroom door very cautiously]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06282007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=06282009">http://achewood.com/?date=06282009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06282010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06282010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - June 29, 2004 | [[Ray is knocking on Little Nephew's door, from which music blares.]]
/ Ray: This is Uncle Ray knockin' at the door of One Cuddleplace Lane! Who wants dinner! / [[Little Nephew responds from inside the room. The door is still shut.]]
/ Little Nephew: We have not called this room that since I was TWO! Desist!
/ Ray: Do you want some tasty pizza, Little Nephew? I ordered us some Amici's! / [[Little Nephew opens the door. He is dressed in amusing leggins, a shirt with ridiculous cuffs and a collar, and a flowing black cape with a pointy hood. He holds a lantern.]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06292004 |
| Achewood - June 29, 2005 | [[Roast Beef and Ray are in the back yard - Beef is holding a clipboard ]]
/ Roast Beef: Yeah uh Ray uh I was goin' around the property today and figurin' on ways to save you some expenses / [[The two are walking]]
/ Ray: Aw, you know i ain't care about that stuff. But thanks though. / [[They walk past a brick wall]]
/ Roast Beef: Well uh first off behind the gardening shed is just this completely cherried-out '79 Trans Am that no one ever seems to drive / Roast Beef: I figure tags and insurance alone each year cost you somewhere in the neighborhood of five biscuits / [[Ray holds a paw up to his face, thoughtfully...]]
/ Ray: Trans Am...Trans Am...oh! That's my Trans Am. Is that where it is? / Roast Beef: Yeah, but I mean you I mean look you didn't even remember you had it so why keep it around just leechin' ducats / [[Ray is alarmed]]
/ Ray: That's the exact car from Knight Rider, dude! KITT! / Roast Beef: No, KITT was created from modified early-80s Trans Ams and was not a deep burgundy / Ray: Still though, dude, I did a lotta work gettin' a computer installed that could talk like KITT. Come see. / [[Roast Beef and Ray look at the Trans Am]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh no way you got a voice modulator hooked up to a speech algorithm ?! / Ray: Maybe you could work that part out. I mainly ended up tryin' to see if I could use the computer to get more organized. / [[An Apple ][ is installed in the dash of the Trans Am, under the radio set to 90.7 FM.]]
/ Apple ][: June 2001 DON'T FORGET MOTHER'S DAY MAYBE FRAMED PIX OF ME? _ / {{Alt text: This strip is based on the time I forgot that I had a Trans Am }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06292005 |
| Achewood - June 29, 2007 - Molly's father | [[A ghost, Molly's father, is in an old-fashioned room with a big fireplace.]]
/ Molly's father: Mr. Kazenzakis. I'll be wantin' to speak with you then. / [[Roast Beef is lying in bed, dreaming.]]
/ Molly's father: So, how's it you come by your wages, son? / [[Zoom out to Roast Beef's bedroom, where he and Molly are sleeping. Molly's father continues from within Beef's dream.]]
/ Molly's father: Well. I doubt a man can make much livin' with a lightnin' box. Ye'll need to buck real trade. Stone's a good wey of it. Ye'll be a mason and the clock'll always find ye at day. Six 'a me boys went that wey. / {{alt text: Molly's father doesn't trust any technology that yields to a kick.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06292007 |
| Achewood - June 30, 2003 | [In Heaven, Roast Beef rings the buzzer at Molly Sanders' door] / [Molly opens the door]
/ Molly: Roast Beef! Oh my gosh! I'm so glad you're back!
/ Beef: Oh uh why hello Molly / Beef: Guess who stopped at the Duty Free and picked up his 'n' hers copies of the new Wired! / Molly: Oh cool! You're so thoughtful! / Beef: There's this neat article about information-poor interfaces... Oh and there's also a humor essay by a writer from that McSweeny's whatever-it-is...It's kind of self aware and overwrought but it's better than most of the ads / Molly: Ha ha! Did you ever notice how McSweeny's kind of approaches humor with like a lab coat and a pair of tweezers?
/ Beef: Hee hee yeah they really are uncomfortable around the stuff / Molly: It's like they don't really know where they belong given all the writing that's come before them, so they just rip off old New Yorker pieces!
/ Beef: I know it's like they're just playing among the ruins of a once-great literary culture that is no longer relevant and struggles for justification! http://achewood.com/?date=06302003 |
| Achewood - June 30, 2003 | [In Heaven, Roast Beef rings the buzzer at Molly Sanders' door] / [Molly opens the door]
/ Molly: Roast Beef! Oh my gosh! I'm so glad you're back!
/ Beef: Oh uh why hello Molly / Beef: Guess who stopped at the Duty Free and picked up his 'n' hers copies of the new Wired! / Molly: Oh cool! You're so thoughtful! / Beef: There's this neat article about information-poor interfaces... Oh and there's also a humor essay by a writer from that McSweeny's whatever-it-is...It's kind of self aware and overwrought but it's better than most of the ads / Molly: Ha ha! Did you ever notice how McSweeny's kind of approaches humor with like a lab coat and a pair of tweezers?
/ Beef: Hee hee yeah they really are uncomfortable around the stuff / Molly: It's like they don't really know where they belong given all the writing that's come before them, so they just rip off old New Yorker pieces!
/ Beef: I know it's like they're just playing among the ruins of a once-great literary culture that is no longer relevant and struggles for justification! / {{title text: Both of the dead cats have a mediocre opinion of McSweeney's}} http://achewood.com/?date=06302003 |
| Achewood - June 30, 2003 | {{HEAVEN}}
/ [[Roast Beef is Buzzing a doorbel. The door has a small nameplate with "Molly Sanders" inscribed.]] / [[Molly opens the door]]
/ Molly: Roast Beef! Oh my gosh! I'm so glad that you're back!
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh why hello Molly / Roast Beef: Guess who stopped by the Duty Free and picked up his 'n' hers copies of the new Wired! / Molly: Oh cool! You're so thoughtful! / Roast Beef: There's this neat articles about information-poor interfaces. Oh and theres a humor essay by a writer from that McSweeney's whatever it is. It's kind of self aware and overwrought but it's better than most of the ads. / Molly: Ha ha! Did you ever notice how McSweeney's kind of approaches humor with a lab coat and a pair of tweezers?
/ Roast Beef: Hee hee yeah they really are uncomfortable around the stuff. / Molly: It's like they don't know where they belong given all the writing that's come before them, so they just rip off old New Yorker pieces!
/ Roast Beef: I know it's like they're playing among the ruins of a once-great literary culture that is no longer relevant and struggles for justification! / {{title text: Both of The dead cats have a mediocre opinion of McSweeney's}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302003 |
| Achewood - June 30, 2003 | {{HEAVEN}}
/ [[Roast Beef is Buzzing a doorbell. The door has a small nameplate with "Molly Sanders" inscribed.]] / [[Molly opens the door]]
/ Molly: Roast Beef! Oh my gosh! I'm so glad that you're back!
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh why hello Molly / Roast Beef: Guess who stopped by the Duty Free and picked up his 'n' hers copies of the new Wired! / Molly: Oh cool! You're so thoughtful! / Roast Beef: There's this neat article about information-poor interfaces. Oh and theres a humor essay by a writer from that McSweeney's whatever it is. It's kind of self aware and overwrought but it's better than most of the ads. / Molly: Ha ha! Did you ever notice how McSweeney's kind of approaches humor with a lab coat and a pair of tweezers?
/ Roast Beef: Hee hee yeah they really are uncomfortable around the stuff. / Molly: It's like they don't know where they belong given all the writing that's come before them, so they just rip off old New Yorker pieces!
/ Roast Beef: I know it's like they're playing among the ruins of a once-great literary culture that is no longer relevant and struggles for justification! / {{title text: Both of the dead cats have a mediocre opinion of McSweeney's}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302003 |
| Achewood - June 30, 2003 | {{HEAVEN}}
/ [[Roast Beef is Buzzing a doorbell. The door has a small nameplate with "Molly Sanders" inscribed.]] / [[Molly opens the door]]
/ Molly: Roast Beef! Oh my gosh! I'm so glad that you're back!
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh why hello Molly / Roast Beef: Guess who stopped by the Duty Free and picked up his 'n' hers copies of the new Wired! / Molly: Oh cool! You're so thoughtful! / Roast Beef: There's this neat articles about information-poor interfaces. Oh and theres a humor essay by a writer from that McSweeney's whatever it is. It's kind of self aware and overwrought but it's better than most of the ads. / Molly: Ha ha! Did you ever notice how McSweeney's kind of approaches humor with a lab coat and a pair of tweezers?
/ Roast Beef: Hee hee yeah they really are uncomfortable around the stuff. / Molly: It's like they don't know where they belong given all the writing that's come before them, so they just rip off old New Yorker pieces!
/ Roast Beef: I know it's like they're playing among the ruins of a once-great literary culture that is no longer relevant and struggles for justification! / {{title text: Both of The dead cats have a mediocre opinion of McSweeney's}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302003 |
| Achewood - June 30, 2003 | {{HEAVEN}}
/ [[Roast Beef is Buzzing a doorbell. The door has a small nameplate with "Molly Sanders" inscribed.]] / [[Molly opens the door]]
/ Molly: Roast Beef! Oh my gosh! I'm so glad that you're back!
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh why hello Molly / Roast Beef: Guess who stopped by the Duty Free and picked up his 'n' hers copies of the new Wired! / Molly: Oh cool! You're so thoughtful! / Roast Beef: There's this neat articles about information-poor interfaces. Oh and there's a humor essay by a writer from that McSweeney's whatever it is. It's kind of self aware and overwrought but it's better than most of the ads. / Molly: Ha ha! Did you ever notice how McSweeney's kind of approaches humor with a lab coat and a pair of tweezers?
/ Roast Beef: Hee hee yeah they really are uncomfortable around the stuff. / Molly: It's like they don't know where they belong given all the writing that's come before them, so they just rip off old New Yorker pieces!
/ Roast Beef: I know it's like they're playing among the ruins of a once-great literary culture that is no longer relevant and struggles for justification! / {{title text: Both of The dead cats have a mediocre opinion of McSweeney's}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302003 |
| Achewood - June 30, 2004 | [[Ray is yelling at Little Nephew, who is walking away from him in absurd Goth garb.]]
/ Ray: Listen here now, little mister! You ain't gettin' NO pizza so long as you walkin' around lookin' like Gay KISS! / Little Nephew: ... a homo says what three times, dear Uncle? / Ray: What? What? WHAT?
/ Ray: Oh, damnit. Hold on a second now! That ain't funny!
/ Little Nephew: ... sadly, I must agree. / [[Ray is resolved.]]
/ Ray: Fine then! Two can play at this game! / [[Rustling, clanking etc. from inside Ray's monogrammed door.]] / [[Ray is now dressed in garb even more ridiculous. He has glasses which are in fact little skulls, and an ankh.]]
/ Ray: All-RIGHT! Let's get us on down to that graveyard and hella start munchin' on some skeleton bones!
/ Ray: I found some old Thompson Twins tapes taht we can use to listen to! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302004 |
| Achewood - June 30, 2004 | [[Ray is yelling at Little Nephew, who is walking away from him in absurd Goth garb.]]
/ Ray: Listen here now, little mister! You ain't gettin' NO pizza so long as you walkin' around lookin' like Gay KISS! / Little Nephew: ... a homo says what three times, dear Uncle? / Ray: What? What? WHAT?
/ Ray: Oh, damnit. Hold on a second now! That ain't funny!
/ Little Nephew: ... sadly, I must agree. / [[Ray is resolved.]]
/ Ray: Fine then! Two can play at this game! / [[Rustling, clanking etc. from inside Ray's monogrammed door.]] / [[Ray is now dressed in garb even more ridiculous. He has glasses which are in fact little skulls, and an ankh.]]
/ Ray: All-RIGHT! Let's get us on down to that graveyard and hella start munchin' on some skeleton bones!
/ Ray: I found some old Thompson Twins tapes that we can use to listen to! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302004 |
| Roast Beefs Father | [[In the past, a young Roast Beef and Ray look at a lingerie catalog]]
/ Roast Beef: Hee hee man oh unbelievable! This one comes in up to a D-cup. Man that is so big! / Ray: I've seen bigger! My cousin knew this girl in Canada who had J-cups!
/ Roast Beef: Oh my god unbelievable! / [[A series of loud slams are heard. Ray and Roast Beef are startled]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302005 |
| Roast Beefs Father | [[In the past, a young Roast Beef and Ray look at a lingerie catalog]]
/ Roast Beef: Hee hee man oh unbelievable! This one comes in up to a D-cup. Man that is so big! / Ray: I've seen bigger! My cousin knew this girl in Canada who had J-cups!
/ Roast Beef: Oh my god unbelievable! / [[A series of loud slams are heard. Ray and Roast Beef are startled]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302005 |
| Roast Beefs Father | [[In the past, a young Roast Beef and Ray look at a lingerie catalog]]
/ Roast Beef: Hee hee man oh unbelievable! This one comes in up to a D-cup. Man that is so big! / Ray: I've seen bigger! My cousin knew this girl in Canada who had J-cups!
/ Roast Beef: Oh my god unbelievable! / [[A series of loud slams are heard. Ray and Roast Beef are startled]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06302005 |
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