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| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=01202004">http://achewood.com/?date=01202004 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - January 20, 2005 | Ray: So how's your Subway doin', Vlad? What's new in the custom sandwich game?
/ Vlad: Oh, is pleasant, but I am gettink ready to set it onto ear. / Ray: Comin' up with new sandwich concepts and stuff? Talk to me, doggie! You know, I had this one idea about a way of bakin' the roll so it has a curly little tail— / Vlad: Basically idea involves Internet, and virtual feedink of sandwich to woman on web-cam.
/ Ray: Ooh, like all in tiny panties and a hat? / Vlad: Just standard Subway uniform until I can relocate web-cam from mop closet. Is health codes thing.
/ Ray: So you got a cam on a dressed woman eatin' a sandwich in a mop closet? / Vlad: Come, see. Evaluate beta.
/ Roast Beef: Maybe I uh I could lend a hand with any debugging
/ Vlad: Sure, Roast Beef! You drive. / SOON.
/ Vlad: Haha! Chew the sandwich, you nasty dame! You are Vlad's mama-bird, tonight!
/ Roast Beef: Molly ?! / {{title: Why do Vlad’s erotic fantasies involve both debasement and maternal succor}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01202005 |
| Achewood - January 20, 2006 | [[Roast Beef stands in a doorway.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh dogg on a hogg we got much crispy Stellas out by the pool Ray
/ That golden action is so crunchy / [[Roast Beef sees Mrs. Smuckles.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh my goodness Hello Mrs. Smuckles!
/ It is very nice to see you! / Mrs. Smuckles: Roast Beef! Why, look at you! So handsome all grown up, and still SO polite.
/ Roast Beef: Thank you Mrs. Smuckles / [[Mrs. Smuckles gives Roast Beef a note.]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Here's five dollars, Roast Beef. Now go and get yourself a sandwich.
/ Roast Beef: I will Mrs. Smuckles I will get a sandwich right away I promise
/ I will pay you back someday Mrs. Smuckles / Mrs Smuckles: I won't hear of it. Now, make sure you get extra cheese. I still worry that you are so thin.
/ Roast Beef: I will make sure to ask for double cheese and I promise to keep it on as weight / Mrs Smuckles: Cheese is very nutritious, Roast Beef. Girls like a boy who eats cheese.
/ Roast Beef: I hope I find that out someday
/ Thankyou again Mrs Smuckles / {{Alt text: Well, don't you, girls?}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01202006 |
| Mr. Smuckles is missing | [[Téodor and Mr. Bear read a flier]]
/ Téodor: Ha ha! Look at this - "LOST: cat, short hair, answers to 'Mr. Smuckles.'"
/ Mr. Bear: Isn't that Ray's name? / Téodor: Yeah, but he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd get "lost."
/ Mr. Bear: Apparently Ray is worth fifty dollars! / Téodor: "Male, 5 years old, neutered." Man, Ray's neutered?
/ Mr. Bear: He did put on some weight this year. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01212002 |
| Mr. Smuckles is missing | [[Téodor and Mr. Bear read a flyer]]
/ Téodor: Ha ha! Look at this - "LOST: cat, short hair, answers to 'Mr. Smuckles.'"
/ Mr. Bear: Isn't that Ray's name? / Téodor: Yeah, but he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd get "lost."
/ Mr. Bear: Apparently Ray is worth fifty dollars! / Téodor: "Male, 5 years old, neutered." Man, Ray's neutered?
/ Mr. Bear: He did put on some weight this year. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01212002 |
| Achewood - January 21, 2003 | [[Vlad and Teodor are talking in Vlad's Subway Resturaunt. Vlad is behind the counter, wearing a black hat]] / Teodor: What if Jared died in a different way in each new commercial?
/ Vlad: Is good! Is good, Teodor! I like this! / Teodor: So...do you have other ideas about how you'd want Jared to die? / Vlad: Well, obviously one idea is that he is showink off old pants of his, when wind catches them and carries him into power lines. ... Is perhaps most basic idea. / Teodor: Good! What else? / [[Vlad hands Teodor a sheet of paper]]
/ Vlad: Here, why don't you just look a brainstorm sheet. / [[Brainstorm sheet fills panel]]
/ PAGE 1
/ WIFE OF JARED'S NEIGHBOR IS PREGNANT. EVERYONE KNOWS IT WAS JARED. LOUD KNOCKS ON JARED'S FRONT DOOR. AS JARED SLIDES PISTOL SLOWLY INTO MOUTH, CUT BACK AND FORTH TO FOOTAGE OF JARED BITING INTO 6" TURKEY SUB. / {{Alt Text - CALIFORNIA UBER ALLES}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01212003 |
| Barry the Fish | [[Roast Beef sits on a boat, night fishing with a sad look on his face]] / [[A small fish named Barry pops its head above the water.]]
/ Barry: Hi. I'm Barry. What's up?
/ [[Roast Beef turns and looks at the fish]] / Roast Beef: Not much Barry. How about you? / Barry: There hasn't been any bait on that hook all night. What are you doing? / Roast Beef: Oh uh I didn't want to catch anything. I just like being out here. / Barry: I know what you mean. I come up here when I need to get away fron the missus. / Roast Beef: So you're married huh?
/ Barry: Hey, I brought some Guinness up. Want one?
/ Roast Beef: Dang that is like my favorite beer ever
/ Barry: No kidding / [[SOON. Barry and Roast Beef continue their discussion.]]
/ Barry: ...so the next day she takes one of those home pregnancy tests. I can practically hear her hummin' Here Comes the Bride through the bathroom door
/ Roast Beef: Was this before or after Janeane finally called http://achewood.com/?date=01212004 |
| Achewood - January 21, 2004 | Fish: Hi I'm Barry What's up / Roast Beef: Not much Barry How about you / Barry: There hasn't been any bait on that hook all night What are you doing / Roast Beef: Oh uh I didn't want to catch anything I just like being out here / Barry: I know what you mean I come up here when I need to get away from the missus / Roast Beef: So you're married huh
/ Barry: Hey, I brought some Guinness up. Want one?
/ Roast Beef: Dang that is like my favorite beer ever
/ Barry: No kidding / Barry: ...so the next day she takes one of those home pregnancy tests I can practically hear her hummin' Here Comes the Bride through the bathroom door
/ Roast Beef: Was this before or after Janeane finally called http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01212004 |
| Achewood - January 21, 2004 | [[Roast Beef sits in a small boat. He is fishing. It is nighttime.]] / [[A fish pokes its head above water.]]
/ Barry Bass: Hi
/ Barry Bass: I'm Barry
/ Barry Bass: What's up / Roast Beef: Not much Barry
/ Roast Beef: How about you / Barry Bass: There hasn't been bait on the hook all night
/ Barry Bass: What are you doing / Roast Beef: Oh uh I didn't want to catch anything
/ Roast Beef: I just like being out here / Barry Bass: I know what you mean
/ Barry Bass: I come up here when I need to get away from the missus / Roast Beef: So you're married huh
/ Barry Bass: Hey, I brought some Guinness up. Want one?
/ Roast Beef: Dang that is like my favorite beer ever
/ Barry Bass: No kidding / Narrator: SOON
/ Barry Bass: ... so the next day she takes one of those home pregnancy tests
/ Barry Bass: I can practically hear her hummin' Here Come the Bride through the bathroom door
/ Roast Beef: Was this before or after Janeane finally called / {{title text: BARRY BASS is worthy of your attention}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01212004 |
| Beef as Lloyd Dobler | [[Ray and Vlad sit at a computer]]
/ Vlad: Why Roast Beef is runnink away in such hurry? Is Mormon?
/ Ray: Maybe because that's his girlfriend eatin' sandwiches on your webcam, Vlad. / Ray: Damn. He's probably on his way to get her outta there right now. Total Lloyd Dobler-style, all holding his wireless laptop over his head,
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01212005 |
| Beef as Lloyd Dobler | [[Ray and Vlad sit at a computer]]
/ Vlad: Why Roast Beef is runnink away in such hurry? Is Mormon?
/ Ray: Maybe because that's his girlfriend eatin' sandwiches on your webcam, Vlad. / Ray: Damn. He's probably on his way to get her outta there right now. Total Lloyd Dobler-style, all holding his wireless laptop over his head,
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01212005 |
| Beef as Lloyd Dobler | [[Ray and Vlad sit at a computer]]
/ Vlad: Why Roast Beef is runnink away in such hurry? Is Mormon?
/ Ray: Maybe because that's his girlfriend eatin' sandwiches on your webcam, Vlad. / Ray: Damn. He's probably on his way to get her outta there right now. Total Lloyd Dobler-style, all holding his wireless laptop over his head,
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01212005 |
| Beef as Lloyd Dobler | [[Ray and Vlad sit at a computer]]
/ Vlad: Why Roast Beef is runnink away in such hurry? Is Mormon?
/ Ray: Maybe because that's his girlfriend eatin' sandwiches on your webcam, Vlad. / Ray: Damn. He's probably on his way to get her outta there right now. Total Lloyd Dobler-style, all holding his wireless laptop over his head,
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01212005 |
| Achewood - January 21, 2008 | [[News piece: "NEWS OF RECORD - ACHEWOOD (LOCAL WIRE) - Achewood Mayor C. Finnegan Byde had a short-term heart attack at Seven Pines golf course last afternoon. He appointed local entrepreneur Ray Smuckles, a member of his foursome, as Acting Mayor of Achewood. Acting Mayor Smuckles is expected to hold his first press conference today."]] / [[Ray at a podium with multiple microphones.]]
/ Reporter (off-panel): Mr. Smuckles! How do you plan to repair budget discrepancies between the Barrett Acres and Hilltop school districts? / Ray: E-mail that totally good question to me. You are completely smart to ask that. Next?
/ Reporter: Mayor! Local merchants are being forced out of business by big-box chain stores! What is your position? / Ray: E-mail or text me that question. I ain't on IM lately, some Finnish guy thinks I'm his cousin. Next?
/ Reporter: Mayor Smuckles! How do you plan to deal with newspaper subscription and charity solicitors outside of local grocery stores? / Ray: With extreme prejudice! High-pressure lemon juice, private white vans, de-federalized BMX black ops riders. The best of the best. You've touched a nerve, journalist! / SOON.
/ Drudge Report: DARK HORSE RAY SMUCKLES UP 82+ POINTS OVER EVERY CANDIDATE IN EVERY COUNTRY CURRETNTLY IN AN ELECTION YEAR - SPEARS FINALLY BLOWS HER STACK: LOWERS LID ON CONVERTIBLE / {{alt text: The black ops riders grind a rear wheel footpeg along the front of the table, scattering the free papers to the wind.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01212008 |
| Brain practice | [[Téodor sees Todd, who is wearing a helmet.]]
/ Téodor: Todd! What's with the foil helmet?
/ Todd: N-n-not now, Téodor! Not now! / [[Mr. Bear arrives]]
/ Mr. Bear: What is wrong with Todd?
/ Téodor: He won't say. / Téodor: You keepin' the voices out, Todd?
/ Todd: Blister's readin' my mind! / [[Todd clutches his head]] / Todd: EEEAUGH!
/ Téodor: What?! What is it?
/ Todd: Now he says he's readin' my e-mail, too! / Narrator: MEANWHILE
/ [[Blister sits at a computer]] / {{title text: Thursday there is more about Ray's situation.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01222002 |
| Brain practice | [[Téodor sees Todd, who is wearing a helmet.]]
/ Téodor: Todd! What's with the foil helmet?
/ Todd: N-n-not now, Téodor! Not now! / [[Mr. Bear arrives. Todd sobs.]]
/ Mr. Bear: What is wrong with Todd?
/ Téodor: He won't say. / Téodor: You keepin' the voices out, Todd?
/ Todd: Blister's readin' my mind! / [[Todd puts his face in his hands.]] / Todd: EEEAUGH!
/ Téodor: What?! What is it?
/ Todd: Now he says he's readin' my e-mail, too! / Narrator: MEANWHILE
/ [[Blister sits at a computer]] / {{title text: Thursday there is more about Ray's situation.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01222002 |
| Achewood - January 22, 2003 - Ray at the Lous XIV, gettin' gourmet -- Showbiz at the 7-11, getting microwaved slim jims | [[Waiter is standing beside Ray's table, at the restaurant Louis XIV]] / Waiter: And what may we bring you this evening, sir?
/ Ray: Yes... I believe I will start with the Consomme a la Bohemienne. / [[Waiter out of frame]]:
/ Waiter: Very good.
/ Ray: Followed by the Quenelle de Foie Gras. / [[Waiter out of frame]]
/ Waiter: Mm hmm.
/ Ray: And for the fish course, the Turbot a la Meuniere / [[Waiter out of frame]]:
/ Waiter: Very well, sir. And for the entree?
/ Ray: Ah yes. I was thinking about the Tournedos Bordelaise. / [[Waiter in frame, by Ray's table]]:
/ Waiter: They are excellent to-night, sir. And to drink?
/ Ray: Let's see... let's breathe a bin 281 for the meats but start off with a Jouet. / [[Meanwhile, at the 7-11, Showbiz sits in front of a microwave]]
/ Showbiz: Hey HABIB! HEY! I'm gonna microwave this Slim Jim, ALRIGHT?! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01222003 |
| Achewood - January 22, 2003 - Ray at the Lous XIV, gettin' gourmet -- Showbiz at the 7-11, getting microwaved slim jims | [[Waiter is standing beside Ray's table, at the restaurant Louis XIV]] / Waiter: And what may we bring you this evening, sir?
/ Ray: Yes... I believe I will start with the Consommé a la Bohémienne. / [[Waiter out of frame]]:
/ Waiter: Very good.
/ Ray: Followed by the Quenelle de Foie Gras. / [[Waiter out of frame]]
/ Waiter: Mm hmm.
/ Ray: And for the fish course, the Turbot à la Meuniere. / [[Waiter out of frame]]:
/ Waiter: Very well, sir. And for the entree?
/ Ray: Ah yes. I was thinking about the Tournedos Bordelaise. / [[Waiter in frame, by Ray's table]]:
/ Waiter: They are excellent to-night, sir. And to drink?
/ Ray: Let's see... let's breathe a bin 281 for the meats but start off with the Jouët. / [[Meanwhile, at the 7-11, Showbiz sits in front of a microwave]]
/ Showbiz: Hey HABIB! HEY! I'm gonna microwave this Slim Jim, ALRIGHT?! / {{CALIFORNIA UBER ALLES}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01222003 |
| Achewood - January 22, 2004 | [[Barry has his head out of the water with a can of beer floating in front of him]]
/ Barry: ...so I was like look, it's bad enough I work in a purse factory - but now you're gonna FIRE me?! / [[Wider view showing Roast Beef in a boat with a beer listening to Barry]]
/ Barry: Then I gotta wait in line for unemployment - boy was THAT a hassle! / [[Close up of Barry]]
/ Barry: When I get to the front they're all outta forms in English so I gotta use the SPANISH ones! / [[Close up of Beef in the boat]]
/ Barry: Sheesh! Meanwhile they tell me my mom's condition is gettin' worse and that she's gonna need live-in help! / Beef: (Thinking) Oh my god / Beef: (Thinking) Barry's a complainer. How do these guys always find me / Beef: (Thinking) Here I am all hangin' out by myself. He offers me a beer. Acts interested in me. / [[Back to Barry in the water]]
/ Barry: Anyhow, next thing I know the cops are there and I'm gettin' DEPORTED! / [[View of Barry and Beef]]
/ Barry: Listen, I ain't back in the States legally yet... It's cool if I can crash at your place for a few, right? / {{Alt text: Barry bass is such an idiot that he accidentally got deported}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01222004 |
| Achewood - January 22, 2007 | [[Nice Pete is conversing on the telephone with Ray, with stitches where his head wound used to be]] / Nice Pete: Um hello Ray this is Peter Cropes / Ray:..Nice Pete? Oh, uh...how you doin'? / Nice Pete: Well good ray um the reason that I am calling is very plain / Nice Pete: I want to thank you for saving my life and I have an idea I think you might like / Ray: Oh! Okay, sure! I'd love to hear your idea! You know how I am! / Nice Pete: Well as you may know I am rewriting the bible
/ With your permission I would like to base the part of the New Jesus on you / [[Nice Pete sits at his desk, writing. / Text Box: Soon / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01222007 |
| Achewood - January 22, 2007 | [[Nice Pete is conversing on the telephone with Ray, with stitches where his head wound used to be]] / Nice Pete: Um hello Ray this is Peter Cropes / Ray:..Nice Pete? Oh, uh...how you doin'? / Nice Pete: Well good Ray um the reason that I am calling is very plain / Nice Pete: I want to thank you for saving my life and I have an idea I think you might like / Ray: Oh! Okay, sure! I'd love to hear your idea! You know how I am! / Nice Pete: Well as you may know I am rewriting the bible
/ With your permission I would like to base the part of the New Jesus on you / [[Nice Pete sits at his desk, writing.]] / Text Box: Soon / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01222007 |
| Achewood § January 22, 2010 | [[Téodor is laid out like a game of Operation]] / IF YOU ARE AWAKE YOU ALREADY PLAY:
/ MATURATION
/ THE GAME / [[Hearing aid game piece goes in his ear]]
/ "WHAT? WHAT?!? NO I'M NOT LOSING MY HEARING! YOU'RE JUST MUMBLING, PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING DEAF!" / [[Tissue game piece goes by his nose]] / NOSE RUNS INCESSANTLY FOR 17 MINUTES AFTER WAKING, ELIMINATING ALL HOPE OF A SPIRITED MORNING "QUICKIE" / [[Razor game piece goes to his shoulder]]
/ "WHAT PURPOSE DOES IT SERVE NATURE IF HAIR GROWS *HERE* UPON MY BODY... IS IT AN EASY PLACE FOR VINES TO ATTACH AND DRAW ME TO THE SOIL, SHOULD I COLLAPSE?" / [[Pill game piece goes to his wrist]]
/ WRISTS FALL ASLEEP EVERY HALF HOUR DURING NIGHT, AGITATING YOUR APNEA AND CAUSING YOU TO SWALLOW A PILL WHICH KEEPS YOU AWAKE BY FEELING STUCK IN YOUR THROAT / [[Picture of a woman's open mouth, possibly screaming by his buttocks]]
/ DOES YOUR SPOUSE SECRETLY HEAR YOU FARTING LIKE A TRENCHERMAN DURING YOUR DEEP REM CYCLES? / [[Dandruff game piece goes to his eyebrow]]
/ DANDRUFF IN EYEBROWS = DYING PANCREAS? DISEASED GALL BLADDER? KNEELER'S KNEE? DEAR GOD WHAT IS THIS CRYPTIC SALVO / [[Razor game piece goes to his cheek]]
/ SHAVE CLOSER TO YOUR EYES THAN YOU USED TO HAVE TO / [[Scar on his chest]]
/ WILL THE AUTOPSY SCAR BE THE ONLY THING THAT WAS EVER "COOL" ABOUT ME? / [[Pill game piece goes to his abdomen]]
/ YOU COULD TAKE THE CORPORATE MEDS, BUT YOU COULD ALSO GET, LIKE, A HOMEOPATHIC BLOWJOB OR SOMETHING. WHO'S TO SAY WHERE PALLIATIVE CARE TRULY BEGINS? / [[Redbull & vodka game pieces go to his intestines via funnel]]
/ "A DOUBLE VODKA RED BULL FOR EIGHT BUCKS? I USED TO PAY EIGHT BUCKS FOR A TAPE, AND I STILL HAVE THOSE TAPES! THEY STILL WORK! ANYHOW, VODKA GIVES ME THOSE SOFT FEATHERY CRAPS. YOU GOT ANY ANCHOR STEAM?" / SCORING:
/ Play with the bear, and put the game pieces into his little affordances. He's pretty self-absorbed, isn't he? Shame on this bear. It's too bad that life has made him idiotic. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01222010 |
| The terrible fear | [[Mr. Bear is on the toilet with a magazine. Philippe has just walked in.]]
/ Philippe: Hi Mr. Bear!
/ Mr. Bear: GET OUT OF HERE! / [[Philippe opens a cupboard]]
/ Mr. Bear: Get...get OUT of here, Philippe!
/ Philippe: I need to find the Q-tips. / Philippe: Lyle's record player needs cleaning...a-ha!
/ Mr. Bear: THIS IS PRIVATE! / Philippe: See you later! / [[Philippe has left]]
/ Mr. Bear: SHUT THE DOOR! Shut the - hey! HEY! HEY! / [[Todd and Blister walk in]]
/ Todd: Hey what, Mr. Bear? Whoah, you're on the can! Sick!
/ Blister: WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF BURRITOS / {{title text: It is an awful fear that everyone understands.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01232002 |
| Achewood - January 23, 2003 | Ray: Roast Beef! Why'd you miss dinner? Where's Showbiz? What's up with all this Blue Nun? / Roast Beef: Oh he took off / You know how it is with him / [[Ray looks disappointed.]] / Ray: Here, gimme a hit off that. / [[Soon]]
/ Ray: You know what we oughta DO?!
/ Roast Beef: Aw no dogg lay it on me / Ray: We oughta get us some disguises!
/ Roast Beef: DISGUISES Oh hell YES / Ray: I'ma be Abraham LINCOLN!
/ Roast Beef: I'll be his hip hop twin Notorious L.I.N.C.O.L.N. / Ray: Awww yeah! You know what I'm sayin!
/ Roast Beef: All Adidas and stuff / All weed in his hat http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01232003 |
| Achewood - January 23, 2004 | [[Roast Beef is in a boat talking to Barry the fish]]
/ Roast Beef: Uh look Barry I don't have an aquarium or anything like that at my place / Barry: Well, just pick one up on the way. I'll wait in the car--can't be seen, you know! / Roast Beef: [[thinking]] Oh my god he's assuming I will buy an aquarium for him. That really burns me up / Barry: Ooh, make sure you set it facing the TV! I gotta have my Fear Factor! / [[soon, at Roast Beef's place]]
/ [[Roast Beef is doing dishes.]]
/ Ray: Hey Beef -- fish in your toilet. / Roast Beef: Oh that's just Barry Bass
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01232004 |
| Barry Bass at Beef's House | [[Roast Beef is in a boat talking to Barry the fish]]
/ Roast Beef: Uh look Barry I don't have an aquarium or anything like that at my place / Barry: Well, just pick one up on the way. I'll wait in the car--can't be seen, you know! / Roast Beef: [[thinking]] Oh my god he's assuming I will buy an aquarium for him
/ That really burns me up / Barry: Ooh, make sure you set it facing the TV! I gotta have my Fear Factor! / Caption: SOON
/ [[Roast Beef is doing dishes at his place.]]
/ Ray: Hey Beef -- fish in your toilet. / Roast Beef: Oh that's just Barry Bass
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01232004 |
| Pat and Mrs. Smuckles | Mrs. Smuckles: So Patrick! Raymond tells me you are a ... "veglegon" now? Am I saying that right? / Pat: Ahem. Vegan. Yes. < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01232006 |
| Pat and Mrs. Smuckles | Mrs. Smuckles: So Patrick! Raymond tells me you are a ... "veglegon" now? Am I saying that right? / Pat: Ahem. Vegan. Yes. < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01232006 |
| Achewood - January 23, 2007 | {{This comic is a page from Beef's zine, "Why You Got to Do a Thing"}} / TITLE: INTERVIEW: MOLLY SANDERS AKA MISS LADY / [[picture below title depicts Molly and Beef flying a small kite; Beef holds a beer.]] / CAPTION: The tiny kite is less than two feet away / By E.E.H. / ARTICLE TEXT: ME: Okay so this interview is kind of hard and strange cause you are my girlfriend and we do hella private stuff. / MOLLY: Maybe stop thinking about our private stuff for a few seconds? / ME: No thanks. / MOLLY: Really? / ME: Do Not Disturb / MOLLY: Which stuff are you imagining? / ME: When it got raw. That time. / MOLLY: The one in the bathroom? Where you told me about how dirty toilets are, even if they get cleaned? Because of the porous surfaces? And you actually started yelling and got on kind of a high horse about all of it? / ME: Oh my god don't mention about that what in the hell! This is for a magazine! / MOLLY: Sorry, maybe you can ask me about something else. It's your magazine, babe. / ME: Okay like so we know that you are from Wales, right? / MOLLY: Yeah, my family was on the Gwynqeathe, a ship that sank between Fladceate, Wales, and New Amsterdam in 1676 / ME: So when you say New Amsterdam you really mean New York. / MOLLY: Duh, nerd. But that's what it was called at the time. / ME: And since then you just hung out in heaven kind of mellow and keeping tabs on things. Until this rude bag of chilies and pistols came along [points to self]. / MOLLY: Yeah. I'm not the type of person who goes out and tries to forge new trails. I'm more of a homebody. Like you. If I have new things to read and a few favorite movies, I'm fine. I don't need to go hiking. I know the mountain's there, and that it's wonderful. I'll probably see it, eventually. / ME: Oh uh I ain't a homebody by any means I'm just real real careful about leavin' the house in regards to peak traffic hours and hours when the sun rays are particularly cancerous. You know how drunk people are always drivin' up on sidewalks and you also know about how the atmosphere is about allowin' certain bad rays through at certain hours. That's why they always shoot movies real early in the morning, it's because Scientology tells the big stars about how daytime light is the most dangerous. I'm almost sure that I agree. / MOLLY: I thought that had more to do with the quality of light early in the morning. It's more friendly to film, it looks warmer. / ME: Well, that's definitely an information-soft answer. / MOLLY: Don't be an ass. We still have to go out to dinner after this, and I want to have a nice time. / ME: Well whose fault is that. / MOLLY: Mine. I'm the only one in this house capable of calling in to a radio show and winning dinner for two at Mes Beauchamps Restaurant and Wine Bar. / ME: And tell them just what question you answered to get this prize. / MOLLY: "Who was the only blond member of the Traveling Wilburys." / ME: Jesus christ how could you know stuff like that! [re-enacting my original aghastness] / MOLLY: Tom Petty. Dylan, Harrison, Orbison...all brunettes. / ME: Did you also know that the Traveling Wilburys was the ugliest circle of men ever to have millions of / [con't] / {{alt text: The Story of Molly Sanders.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01232007 |
| Achewood - January 23, 2008 | Reporter: Mayor Smuckles! Is it true you're now running for the Presidency of the United States? / Ray: This country needs a man with a granite sack and legs of log... a man that slaps people who are talking. I am that man. / Reporter: But what are your policies? Where do you stand on key issues? / Ray: A wise man once said, "never show a fool half a job." I'll let you know what I did AFTER I'm done runnin' America. Not that you'll need to ask.
/ Reporter: Please, Mayor Smuckles, just a few details! / Ray: People want to eat some fuckin' dinner and have some fuckin' money! What the FUCK do you think gettin' up in the morning is all about? Asshole. / Drudge Report: MAYOR RAY SMUCKLES DRESSES DOWN MEDIA; SAYS SMUCKLES PRESIDENCY WILL NOT TOLERATE "PRATTLIN'" - KICKS ENORMOUS SHIP SO HARD ANCHOR DROPS... DEVELOPING... / {{alt text: Please, Mayor Smuckles, don't hurt them. Don't worry, constituency, I will not.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01232008 |
| Man, it was a only vasectomy | [[Ray stands in a swimming pool, talking on his phone]]
/ Ray: Man, I ain't lost. I been at Tina's. / Ray: What do you mean, they put up a sign? What's it say? / [[Ray drops the phone]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01242002 |
| Achewood - January 24, 2005 | {{music continues to play from Tenmen in Ray's tub at his bathroom party}}
/ Lie Bot: Ray. I wanted to give you first dibs on the rights to one of my patents.
/ Ray: Ooh, okay. Here, let's talk over here. / {{Lie Bot looking around for eavesdroppers}}
/ Ray: So what's the story, Lie Bot? / {{Lie Bot leans in and whispers to Ray}}
/ Lie Bot: I'm looking to sell the rights to the Shitandle.
/ Ray: Hm. I'll need to know what that is. / Lie Bot: It's a candle that burns itself out after five minutes, in case you forget about it after you take a shit. You follow me?
/ Ray: Extremely interesting. Would need to change the name for mass-marketing, though. / Lie Bot: Oh my god! See? You're perfect for this! You're a total business genius. -- TIME magazine's cover story: "Ray Smuckles, Old-Fashioned Genius."
/ Ray: Wow. Yeah. / Lie Bot: Let's go over the paperwork tomorrow afternoon. You free? Hmm... tomorrow... what's on my plate tomorrow... / {{Ray looking at a Prime Time Records Application for "Heartbeatzz, The Rapping Dog Who Loves"}} / {{Ray looking disappointed at Heartbeatzz in his office}} / {{alt-text: Do you notice that his nose is shaped like a heart.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01242005 |
| Achewood - January 24, 2005 | [[music continues to play from Tenmen in Ray's tub at his bathroom party]]
/ Lie Bot: Ray. I wanted to give you first dibs on the rights to one of my patents.
/ Ray: Ooh, okay. Here, let's talk over here. / [[Lie Bot looking around for eavesdroppers]]
/ Ray: So what's the story, Lie Bot? / [[Lie Bot leans in and whispers to Ray]]
/ Lie Bot: I'm looking to sell the rights to the Shitandle.
/ Ray: Hm. I'll need to know what that is. / Lie Bot: It's a candle that burns itself out after five minutes, in case you forget about it after you take a shit. You follow me?
/ Ray: Extremely interesting. Would need to change the name for mass-marketing, though. / Lie Bot: Oh my god! See? You're perfect for this! You're a total business genius. -- TIME magazine's cover story: "Ray Smuckles, Old-Fashioned Genius."
/ Ray: Wow. Yeah. / Lie Bot: Let's go over the paperwork tomorrow afternoon. You free?
/ Ray (thinking): Hmm... tomorrow... what's on my plate tomorrow... / [[Ray looking at a Prime Time Records Application for "Heartbeatzz, The Rapping Dog Who Loves"]] / [[Ray looking disappointed at Heartbeatzz in his office]]
/ [[The rapping dog looks completely ridiculous]] / {{alt-text: Do you notice that his nose is shaped like a heart.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01242005 |
| Achewood - January 24, 2005 | {{music continues to play from Tenmen in Ray's tub at his bathroom party}}
/ Lie Bot: Ray. I wanted to give you first dibs on the rights to one of my patents.
/ Ray: Ooh, okay. Here, let's talk over here. / {{Lie Bot looking around for eavesdroppers}}
/ Ray: So what's the story, Lie Bot? / {{Lie Bot leans in and whispers to Ray}}
/ Lie Bot: I'm looking to sell the rights to the Shitandle.
/ Ray: Hm. I'll need to know what that is. / Lie Bot: It's a candle that burns itself out after five minutes, in case you forget about it after you take a shit. You follow me?
/ Ray: Extremely interesting. Would need to change the name for mass-marketing, though. / {{Lie Bot looks pleasantly surprised}}
/ Lie Bot: Oh my god! See? You're perfect for this! You're a total business genius. -- TIME magazine's cover story: "Ray Smuckles, Old-Fashioned Genius."
/ Ray: Wow. Yeah. / Lie Bot: Let's go over the paperwork tomorrow afternoon. You free?
/ Ray: Hmm... tomorrow... what's on my plate tomorrow... / {{Ray looking at a Prime Time Records Application for "Heartbeatzz, The Rapping Dog Who Loves"}} / {{Ray looking disappointed at Heartbeatzz in his office. Heartbeatzz is a basset hound with eyeglasses shaped like a bone.}} / {{alt-text: Do you notice that his nose is shaped like a heart.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01242005 |
| Achewood § January 24, 2008 | [[Ray is on the couch with newspaper, impatient at Beef's quiz. Beef has a beer in his hand.]]
/ Ray: The capital of Quebec is Queblowme. Next question. / Roast Beef: No seriously if you're going to run America you need to know about Canada / Ray: Bullshit. Canada needs to know about ME. Why in hell I got to mess around memorizing a pretend country?
/ Roast Beef: Canada ain't pretend it has an enormous GDP / Ray: Well, when they do somethin' besides have Rick Moranis piss tons of beer out of his dick, then maybe Strange Brew won't be the only thing about Canada. / Roast Beef: Is this really the attitude you're taking to the election? / Ray: The only thing I'm takin' to the election is an angry little brain that stores Canadian history in a molecule next to fruit names. Get away from me. / {{alt text: What Canada doesn't know about Ray could disappoint a man.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01242008 |
| Hey, you're the best! | [[Teodor is naked and on the couch prominent bear penis shown, Lyle is seated with his bottle of Jack and averting his eyes]] / Teodor: Thanks for reading my comic strip today! / {{alt-text: There is always a price for reading achewood }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252002 |
| Hey, you're the best! | [[Teodor is pantsless and on the couch, prominent bear penis revealed, while Lyle is seated with his bottle of whiskey, covering his eyes]] / Teodor: Thanks for reading my comic strip today! / {{alt-text: There is always a price for reading achewood}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252002 |
| Achewood - January 25, 2005 | [[Nice Pete, Blister, and Todd sit at a table covered with cards and poker chips]]
/ Nice Pete: Gentlemen before we start in with poker I would like to read a passage from the bible
/ Blister: OH MAN THE BIBLE THIS IS POKER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD / Nice Pete: Well in truth it is my bible "fan fiction"
/ Nice Pete: I hope you like it
/ Nice Pete: It is extremely private to me / [[Nice Pete holds up a sheaf of papers]]
/ Nice Pete: ahem / [[Nice Pete recites from the papers]]
/ Nice Pete: ...and on Day Twelve, God crawled among the chickens, thick did they run, and He slay His only son, by slicing across the Achilles tendon of His son, and His son fell into the chicken-mire and was powerfully consigned unto murder by Him - / Blister: FUNNY I NEVER FELT THAT WAS MISSING FROM THE ORIGINAL / Nice Pete: Are you saying you don't like it Blister / Blister: IT CRIBS PRETTY HEAVY FROM STEPHEN KING IF YOU ASK ME
/ [[Nice Pete, incensed, points an accusatory finger]]
/ Nice Pete: Maybe if you offered constructive criticism I could IMPROVE future drafts! / Blister: SERIOUSLY IS THERE ANYTHING SADDER THAN A HACK PRETENDING TO WANT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM
/ Todd: C'mon, man! / {{Alt: If there's one way to piss Nice Pete off it's to make fun of his bible fan fiction}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252005 |
| Achewood - January 25, 2005 | [[Nice Pete, Blister, and Todd sit at a table covered with cards and poker chips]]
/ Nice Pete: Gentlemen before we start in with poker I would like to read a passage from the bible
/ Blister: OH MAN THE BIBLE THIS IS POKER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD / Nice Pete: Well in truth it is my bible "fan fiction"
/ Nice Pete: I hope you like it
/ Nice Pete: It is extremely private to me / [[Nice Pete holds up a sheaf of papers]]
/ Nice Pete: ahem / [[Nice Pete recites from the papers]]
/ Nice Pete: ...and on Day Twelve, God crawled among the chickens, thick did they run, and He slay His only son, by slicing across the Achilles tendon of His son, and His son fell into the chicken-mire and was powerfully consigned unto murder by Him— / Blister: FUNNY I NEVER FELT THAT WAS MISSING FROM THE ORIGINAL / Nice Pete: Are you saying you don't like it Blister / Blister: IT CRIBS PRETTY HEAVY FROM STEPHEN KING IF YOU ASK ME
/ [[Nice Pete, incensed, points an accusatory finger]]
/ Nice Pete: Maybe if you offered constructive criticism I could IMPROVE future drafts! / Blister: SERIOUSLY IS THERE ANYTHING SADDER THAN A HACK PRETENDING TO WANT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM
/ Todd: C'mon, man! / {{If there's one way to piss Nice Pete off it's to make fun of his bible fan fiction}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252005 |
| Achewood - January 25, 2006 | [[Mrs. Smuckles and Ray are having dinner]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Well, Raymond! It certainly is nice catching up with all of your old friends. / Ray: Yeah, I know the feeling. More cod?
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Yes, please! This cod is delicious. You know, your father loved cod. / Ray: Really? He did? Tell me more, mom.
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, Raymond. It was all so long ago.
/ Ray: Have more Chablis. / [[Soon:]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: I tell you, my Ramses Luther was not afraid of any man on earth. He was a force of nature.
/ Ray: Really! / Mrs. Smuckles: He would take me to the bars out in the old avenues, just the meanest low old dives, and stand up to some of the rudest characters you ever saw.
/ Ray: Yeah? Yeah? You ever see him fight? / Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, no. He was much too much of a gentleman to ever fight in front of a lady.
/ Ray: Huh!...I bet he won his fights, though! I bet he did! Here, have more Chablis. / Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, yes. But he was not one to brag. His fighting was just something he had to do, like walk or breathe.
/ Ray: Dang! Dad was a real bad-ass! / Mrs. Smuckles: Before you were born, he took me to Bakersfield on his motorcycle, and he won the Great Outdoor Fight.
/ Ray: DAD WON THE GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT?! I should know stuff like this! Mommm! / [[Mrs. Smuckles looks concerned and apprehensive]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: It has been hard for me to tell you, Raymond. I never wanted you to look for that ability in yourself. / [[Words fail Ray.]] / Mrs. Smuckles: I won't have you entering that fight, Raymond. Men die.
/ Ray: "Three days! Three acres! Three THOUSAND men! Only one will win THE GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT!" / [[Later that night: Ray visits the official Great Outdoor Fight website, greatoutdoorfight.com. Sure enough, the website reads: "The Great Outdoor Fight / 3 days. 3 acres. 3,000 men".]] / {{Alt-text on image: The Great Outdoor Fight: details forthcoming}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252006 |
| Achewood - January 25, 2006 | [[Mrs. Smuckles and Ray are having dinner]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Well, Raymond! It certainly is nice catching up with all of your old friends. / Ray: Yeah, I know the feeling. More cod?
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Yes, please! This cod is delicious. You know, your father loved cod. / Ray: Really? He did? Tell me more, mom.
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, Raymond. It was all so long ago.
/ Ray: Have more Chablis. / [[Soon:]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: I tell you, my Ramses Luther was not afraid of any man on earth. He was a force of nature.
/ Ray: Really! / Mrs. Smuckles: He would take me to the bars out in the old avenues, just the meanest low old dives, and stand up to some of the rudest characters you ever saw.
/ Ray: Yeah? Yeah? You ever see him fight? / Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, no. He was much too much of a gentleman to ever fight in front of a lady.
/ Ray: Huh!...I bet he won his fights, though! I bet he did! Here, have more Chablis. / Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, yes. But he was not one to brag. His fighting was just something he had to do, like walk or breathe.
/ Ray: Dang! Dad was a real bad-ass! / Mrs. Smuckles: Before you were born, he took me to Bakersfield on his motorcycle, and he won the Great Outdoor Fight.
/ Ray: DAD WON THE GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT?! I should know stuff like this! Mommm! / [[Mrs. Smuckles looks concerned and apprehensive]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: It has been hard for me to tell you, Raymond. I never wanted you to look for that ability in yourself. / [[Words fail Ray.]] / Mrs. Smuckles: I won't have you entering that fight, Raymond. Men die.
/ Ray: "Three days! Three acres! Three THOUSAND men! Only one will win THE GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT!" / [[Later that night: Ray visits the official Great Outdoor Fight website, greatoutdoorfight.com. Sure enough, the website reads: "The Great Outdoor Fight / 3 days. 3 acres. 3,000 men".]] / {{Alt-text on image: The Great Outdoor Fight: details forthcoming}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252006 |
| Achewood - January 25, 2006 | [[Mrs. Smuckles and Ray are having dinner]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Well, Raymond! It certainly is nice catching up with all of your old friends. / Ray: Yeah, I know the feeling. More cod?
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Yes, please! This cod is delicious. You know, your father loved cod. / Ray: Really? He did? Tell me more, mom.
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, Raymond. It was all so long ago.
/ Ray: Have more Chablis. / [[Soon:]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: I tell you, my Ramses Luther was not afraid of any man on earth. He was a force of nature.
/ Ray: Really! / Mrs. Smuckles: He would take me to the bars out in the old avenues, just the meanest low old dives, and stand up to some of the rudest characters you ever saw.
/ Ray: Yeah? Yeah? You ever see him fight? / Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, no. He was much too much of a gentleman to ever fight in front of a lady.
/ Ray: Huh!...I bet he won his fights, though! I bet he did! Here, have more Chablis. / Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, yes. But he was not one to brag. His fighting was just something he had to do, like walk or breathe.
/ Ray: Dang! Dad was a real bad-ass! / Mrs. Smuckles: Before you were born, he took me to Bakersfield on his motorcycle, and he won the Great Outdoor Fight.
/ Ray: DAD WON THE GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT?! I should know stuff like this! Mommm! / [[Mrs. Smuckles looks concerned and apprehensive]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: It has been hard for me to tell you, Raymond. I never wanted you to look for that ability in yourself. / [[Words fail Ray.]] / Mrs. Smuckles: I won't have you entering that fight, Raymond. Men die.
/ Ray: "Three days! Three acres! Three THOUSAND men! Only one will win THE GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT!" / [[Later that night: Ray visits the official Great Outdoor Fight website, greatoutdoorfight.com. Sure enough, the website reads: "The Great Outdoor Fight / 3 days. 3 acres. 3,000 men".]] / {{Alt-text on image: The Great Outdoor Fight: details forthcoming}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252006 |
| Achewood - January 25, 2006 | [[Mrs. Smuckles and Ray are having dinner]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Well, Raymond! It certainly is nice catching up with all of your old friends. / Ray: Yeah, I know the feeling. More cod?
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Yes, please! This cod is delicious. You know, your father loved cod. / Ray: Really? He did? Tell me more, mom.
/ Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, Raymond. It was all so long ago.
/ Ray: Have more Chablis. / [[Soon:]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: I tell you, my Ramses Luther was not afraid of any man on earth. He was a force of nature.
/ Ray: Really! / Mrs. Smuckles: He would take me to the bars out in the avenues, just the meanest low old dives, and stand up to some of the rudest characters you ever saw.
/ Ray: Yeah? Yeah? You ever see him fight? / Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, no. He was much too much of a gentleman to ever fight in front of a lady.
/ Ray: Huh!...I bet he won his fights, though! I bet he did! Here, have more Chablis. / Mrs. Smuckles: Oh, yes. But he was not one to brag. His fighting was just something he had to do, like walk or breathe.
/ Ray: Dang! Dad was a real bad-ass! / Mrs. Smuckles: Before you were born, he took me to Bakersfield on his motorcycle, and he won the Great Outdoor Fight.
/ Ray: DAD WON THE GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT?! I should know stuff like this! Mommm! / [[Mrs. Smuckles looks concerned and apprehensive]]
/ Mrs. Smuckles: It has been hard for me to tell you, Raymond. I never wanted you to look for that ability in yourself. / [[Words fail Ray.]] / Mrs. Smuckles: I won't have you entering that fight, Raymond. Men die.
/ Ray: "Three days! Three acres! Three THOUSAND men! Only one will win THE GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT!" / [[Later that night: Ray visits the official Great Outdoor Fight website, greatoutdoorfight.com. Sure enough, the website reads: "The Great Outdoor Fight / 3 days. 3 acres. 3,000 men".]] / {{Alt-text on image: The Great Outdoor Fight: details forthcoming}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252006 |
| Achewood - January 25, 2007 Quail Bible | [[Ray sits at a computer, Roast Beef stands holding a beer beside him]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252007 |
| Achewood - January 25, 2007 Quail Bible | [[Ray sits at a computer, Roast Beef stands holding a beer beside him]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252007 |
| Achewood - January 25, 2007 Quail Bible | [[Ray sits at a computer, Roast Beef stands holding a beer beside him]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252007 |
| Achewood - January 25, 2007 Quail Bible | [[Ray sits at a computer, Roast Beef stands holding a beer beside him]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01252007 |
| Achewood - January 26, 2004 | [[Memories of Skating.]] / Young Roast Beef: Carl said that Debbie's dad has a bunch of copies of OUI magazine in the garage and that she'll let us look at them
/ Young Ray: Let's roll! / Young Roast Beef: Alright Ray but please take it slow remember
/ My board is hell of decrepit / SOON
/ [[Ray prepares to skateboard down some stairs]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01262004 |
| Achewood - January 26, 2005 | Téodor: What's the matter with Nice Pete? What was he screaming about "all the armies of Judas"? What was that? / Todd: Blister was bein' a prick an' made funna' his bible fan fiction! It really pissed him off! / Blister: GUY'S A DOUCHE / Todd: Guy was alright! He was gonna show me how t-t-ta make meth outta puked-up matchbooks and shoelaces! / Blister: WHEN THE POLYMERS IN THE AGLETS DISSOLVE IN STOMACH ACID WITH RED PHOSPHORUS AN AGENT FORMS WHICH IF FILTERED AND DRIED BECOMES A POWDER KNOWN AS "FOOL'S METH" / Blister: IT CAUSES MADNESS AND A PAINFUL CONDITION KNOWN AS "SINGING BOWEL" / Todd: Holy Crap! Y'mean I was about ta get my walkin' papers? / Blister: THE INMATES WHO BREW THIS IN THEIR BELLIES ARE CALLED QUEEN BEES AND GREAT CARE IS LAVISHED UPON THEM BEFORE THE TICKLE-HARVEST. / {{Today's strip is an admonition to children not to go to prison etc}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01262005 |
| Achewood - January 26, 2005 | [[Téodor approaches Todd and Blister in the middle of their poker game.]]
/ Téodor: What's the matter with Nice Pete? What was he screaming about "all the armies of Judas"? What was that? / Todd: Blister was bein' a prick an' made funna' his bible fan fiction! It really pissed him off! / [[Blister defends himself.]]
/ Blister: GUY'S A DOUCHE / Todd: Guy was alright! He was gonna show me how t-t-ta make meth outta puked-up matchbooks and shoelaces! / Blister: WHEN THE POLYMERS IN THE AGLETS DISSOLVE IN STOMACH ACID WITH RED PHOSPHORUS AN AGENT FORMS WHICH IF FILTERED AND DRIED BECOMES A POWDER KNOWN AS "FOOL'S METH" / Blister: IT CAUSES MADNESS AND A PAINFUL CONDITION KNOWN AS "SINGING BOWEL" / Todd: Holy Crap! Y'mean I was about ta get my walkin' papers? / Blister: THE INMATES WHO BREW THIS IN THEIR BELLIES ARE CALLED QUEEN BEES AND GREAT CARE IS LAVISHED UPON THEM BEFORE THE TICKLE-HARVEST. / {{Today's strip is an admonition to children not to go to prison etc}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01262005 |
| Achewood - January 26, 2007 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are walking down the street]]
/ Ray: Man, I thought you'd like that place!
/ Roast Beef: Molecular gastronomy can take a hike as far as I'm concerned / Ray: But it's all scientific and clever! You love that stuff! / Roast Beef: Yeah but that ain't mean I want to eat a marzipan DeLorean with a LoJack and then have the police show up at my house later with deconstructed flan "in caramel lattice prison" after a "citywide" "manhunt". Or whatever that eighty dollar supplement on course four was / Ray: That was a "tainted" shrimp "taco" with "ethnomedical" manioc foam. It was tasty, dude. Why you think I had two? / Roast Beef: And what was with them putting that metal box on my head and piping in the sound of frying food while I ate that un-curled "curly" fry through the tiny hole / Ray: They just playin' with expectations, man.
/ Roast Beef: Well I expect that on their door the word "restaurant" should be in quotation marks / {{title-text: If more than half your menu is in quotes, you are running a metaphor, not a restaurant.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01262007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/?date=01272003">http://achewood.com/?date=01272003 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
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