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| Achewood - October 5, 2004 | [[Molly brushing her teeth]]
/ Molly: How did you sleep last night? / [[Roast Beef brushing his teeth]]
/ Roast Beef: Man the dogs next door yelped for an hour after that ambulance went by at 5am
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052004 |
| Achewood - October 5, 2004 | [[Molly brushing her teeth]]
/ Molly: How did you sleep last night? / [[Roast Beef brushing his teeth]]
/ Roast Beef: Man the dogs next door yelped for an hour after that ambulance went by at 5am
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052004 |
| Achewood - October 5, 2004 | [[Molly brushing her teeth]]
/ Molly: How did you sleep last night? / [[Roast Beef brushing his teeth]]
/ Roast Beef: Man the dogs next door yelped for an hour after that ambulance went by at 5am
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052004 |
| Achewood - October 5, 2005 | < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052005 |
| Achewood - October 5, 2007 | [[Long shot of Welcome to Las Vegas sign]]
/ Todd: You gotta treat me like a star! You gotta treat me like a god-damned star if I'm gonna talk to you Ray!
/ Ray: Cool, Todd. Let's go someplace we can chat. / SOON.
/ [[Shot of sign for Fiesta Max! Casino]] / [[Todd and Ray are sitting inside with menus open]]
/ Ray: So... I'm glad you're not bleeding. Just got a nasty cocaine thump on your chest?
/ Todd: You're frikkin' ridiculous, you know that?! Jerkwad? You got NO idea how ta t-t-treat a star like me! / Jai: Hola, you two! My Fiesta Name's Jai In The Sky! Can I star you off with a couple Steak-n-Questo Grilla-Dillas with Double Chipotle Guacamayo? And "wow" about some tall, cold, "Mo', Mo', MO! -jitoes"? / Ray: Yeah, uh, just get us started. Thanks Jai.
/ Jai: Great! And did you get your Fiesta Names on the way in? / Todd: MY FIESTA NAME IS THAT I'M COMPLETELY FUCKING TWEAKING! PISS OFF, JAI! YOU ASSHOLE!
/ Jai: Heyo! / [[Ray is looking visibly depressed as he hands over his menu]]
/ Ray: Uh, if you could just print our Fiesta Names on the reciept, I'd appreciate that, Jai. We can look at them in the car. / Jai: No prrrroblem! Enjoy your stay in Las Vegas, guys! / [[Jai taps the edge of the menu on the table top]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052007 |
| Achewood § October 5, 2009 | Todd: An-an-an I made like five hunnid' bucks las' week! Turns out these chicks never want their money back after I touch it! Total brain thing! / Téodor: Well, the problem is that you're gonna get a bad reputation, and women are eventually gonna stop calling. / Todd: Wrong again, smock-o! It ain't like these chicks is gonna admit callin' a male escort ta each other! it ain't in play! / [[yelp.com review page of Sensitive Todd shown - business image is of Todd chugging a bottle of wine.]] / Yelp: Real People. Real Reviews.
/ Sensitive Todd - 1 out of 5 stars based on 27 reviews.
/ Categories: Male Escort, Premium, Squirrel
/ Preferences: Todd is straight but rat-curious. / Ann S., Achewood, CA (15 friends, 78 reviews)
/ I had an important dinner meeting at Forlucci's, with a married client. Based on Todd's ad, I decided to hire him as my dining companion. Big, BIG mistake.
/ Todd had a gold nugget pinkie ring, a white tie, and kept ordering "Seven and Sevens." Before stumbling off, he made a VERY uncomfortable "joke" that he wanted "relief" either under the table or behind the restaurant. Everyone, later, was sure he was serious (including the older couple at the table next to us). / Marie L., Achewood Heights, CA (329 friends, 168 reviews)
/ Are you kidding me? This guy's a business? I was at the bar at Forlucci's, chilling with some girlfriends, when Todd slips me his card. The first thing he slurs to me is, "Hey, baby, I go down-town." he tried to make the V-shape with his fingers but he stubbed his cigarette in his eye.
/ I kept the card so I could warn you all about him. / Ann B., East Achewood, CA (0 friends, 0 reviews)
/ I didn't even hire this creep. He showed up at my front door around 9AM, asking if he could "know where he was." He was slurring and his white tie and collar had big purple splotches on them.
/ DH (tow truck driver) cocked a pistol in his face and he crawled off. I'm only able to write this review because he dropped a business card on the sidewalk.
/ I'm posting this as a warning to any / Todd: What? What's it say? Tell me, ya big p-p-piss biscuit!
/ Téodor: I'll read these to you for five bucks.
/ Todd (agitatedly waves money at Téodor) : FINE! Here! Get started, jerkwipe! / THEN.
/ Téodor (reading): "My first meeting with Todd was a little rocky. We parted early. But I dearly want to see him again. I–tell no one–I even nurture a physical lust for him."
/ Todd: WOAH! I could totally score wit' that chick! Hook me up! / Téodor: Hook you up how? You want to send her an email?
/ Todd: Yeah! Send her one 'a those! Tell her I'm down ta lay some pipe startin' now! / Téodor: Seventy dollars.
/ Todd: Ta send a frikkin' email? You send email all frikkin' day! Just add it on! / Téodor: I take a loss on most of those. Fork it over; you're still right-side up on this deal.
/ Todd: F-F-Fine, ya big crook, but if I ain't get some spaz bag for all this, you're frikkin' fired! [[Todd lugs out wad of cash]]< http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10052009 |
| Achewood - October 6, 2003 | Pat: Uh Ray I'm feelin' a little dizzy
/ Ray: It's just nerves, dogg! Get on out that stage and be born ANEW! / Pat: Uh... what's going on here
/ Could someone tell me what's goin' on / Critic one: A leitmotif of identity and desperation
/ Critic two: Brilliant.
/ Nolan: Smacks of Kerouac and Kierkegaard. / Pat: Why am I up here?
/ Critic one: Exactly. And why am I down here?
/ Critic two: In his humility germinates the defining anti-vanity of the coming decade. / Pat: Oh... uh... I have a guitar. I guess I should play a song.
/ Critic one: Unremitting hilarity, a la Sartre.
/ Nolan: a two way deadpan between audience and artist. exhilarating.
/ Critic two: Brilliant. / (opening riffs of Day Tripper) / Critic one: Ahhh. The Day Tripper intro, ad nauseam.
/ Nolan: Apollo, why doth thou born this candle at both ends? / {{Alt text: That guy on the right looks just like Edgar Allen Poe! AWESOME!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10062003 |
| Achewood - October 6, 2003 | Pat: Uh Ray I'm feelin' a little dizzy
/ Ray: It's just nerves, dogg! Get on out that stage and be born ANEW! / Pat: Uh... what's going on here
/ Could someone tell me what's goin' on / Critic one: A leitmotif of identity and desperation
/ Critic two: Brilliant.
/ Nolan: Smacks of Kerouac and Kierkegaard. / Pat: Why am I up here?
/ Critic one: Exactly. And why am I down here?
/ Critic two: In his humility germinates the defining anti-vanity of the coming decade. / Pat: Oh... uh... I have a guitar. I guess I should play a song.
/ Critic one: Unremitting hilarity, a la Sartre.
/ Nolan: a two way deadpan between audience and artist. exhilarating.
/ Critic two: Brilliant. / (opening riffs of Day Tripper) / Critic one: Ahhh. The Day Tripper intro, ad nauseam.
/ Nolan: Apollo, why doth thou born this candle at both ends? / {{Alt text: That guy on the right looks just like Edgar Allen Poe! AWESOME!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10062003 |
| Achewood - October 6, 2003 | Pat: Uh Ray I'm feelin' a little dizzy
/ Ray: It's just nerves, dogg! Get on out that stage and be born ANEW! / Pat: Uh... what's going on here
/ Could someone tell me what's goin' on / Critic one: A leitmotif of identity and desperation
/ Critic two: Brilliant.
/ Nolan: Smacks of Kerouac and Kierkegaard. / Pat: Why am I up here?
/ Critic one: Exactly. And why am I down here?
/ Critic two: In his humility germinates the defining anti-vanity of the coming decade. / Pat: Oh... uh... I have a guitar. I guess I should play a song.
/ Critic one: Unremitting hilarity, a la Sartre.
/ Nolan: a two way deadpan between audience and artist. exhilarating.
/ Critic two: Brilliant. / (opening riffs of Day Tripper) / Critic one: Ahhh. The Day Tripper intro, ad nauseam.
/ Nolan: Apollo, why doth thou born this candle at both ends? / {{Alt text: That guy on the right looks just like Edgar Allen Poe! AWESOME!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10062003 |
| Achewood - October 6, 2004 | [[Intertitle reads achewood PRESENTS --- The 2005 United States Vice Presidential Debate --- Vice President Dick Cheney (r) vs. Sen. John Edwards (D)]] / [[Téodor, dressed in a suit, sits behind a placard reading EDWARDS]]
/ Téodor: Mr. Vice President, you have a remarkable voting record in Congress. In your considerable term there, you voted against: / [[A balding, and also besuited, Pat, sits behind a placard reading CHENEY]]
/ Téodor: Meals on Wheels for senior citizens, a holiday recognizing Martin Luther King, the release of Nelson Mandela... / Téodor: ... free headphones in coach class, nets of any kind on public school basketball hoops, self-adhesive stamps, USB ports... / Téodor: ... journalists have even uncovered the rought workings of a bill, sponsored by you, that would criminalize, quote, / [[Téodor reads from a sheet of paper]]
/ Téodor: "all telephone handsets not connected to the cradle by means of a curly wire." / {{Cheney also voted against Kung Pao Riblets, but that is between him and the President.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10062004 |
| Achewood - October 6, 2004 | [[Silent film intertitle-style text reading: achewood PRESENTS --- The 2005 United States Vice Presidential Debate --- Vice President Dick Cheney (R) vs. Sen. John Edwards (D)]] / [[Téodor, dressed in a suit, sits behind a placard reading EDWARDS]]
/ Téodor: Mr. Vice President, you have a remarkable voting record in Congress. In your considerable term there, you voted against: / [[A balding, and also besuited, Pat, sits in a hunched position behind a placard reading CHENEY]]
/ Téodor (voiceover): Meals on Wheels for senior citizens, a holiday recognizing Martin Luther King, the release of Nelson Mandela... / [[Back to Téodor]]
/ Téodor: ... free headphones in coach class, nets of any kind on public school basketball hoops, self-adhesive stamps, USB ports... / [[Back to Pat, who has hardly moved.]]
/ Téodor (voiceover): ... journalists have even uncovered the rough workings of a bill, sponsored by you, that would criminalize, quote, / [[Téodor reads from a sheet of paper]]
/ Téodor: "all telephone handsets not connected to the cradle by means of a curly wire." / {{Alt text: Cheney also voted against Kung Pao Riblets, but that is between him and the President.}}
/ {{Archive title: Vice Presidents Are Go!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10062004 |
| Achewood - October 6, 2004 | [[Intertitle reads achewood PRESENTS --- The 2005 United States Vice Presidential Debate --- Vice President Dick Cheney (r) vs. Sen. John Edwards (D)]] / [[Téodor, dressed in a suit, sits behind a placard reading EDWARDS]]
/ Téodor: Mr. Vice President, you have a remarkable voting record in Congress. In your considerable term there, you voted against: / [[A balding, and also besuited, Pat, sits behind a placard reading CHENEY]]
/ Téodor: Meals on Wheels for senior citizens, a holiday recognizing Martin Luther King, the release of Nelson Mandela... / Téodor: ... free headphones in coach class, nets of any kind on public school basketball hoops, self-adhesive stamps, USB ports... / Téodor: ... journalists have even uncovered the rough workings of a bill, sponsored by you, that would criminalize, quote, / [[Téodor reads from a sheet of paper]]
/ Téodor: "all telephone handsets not connected to the cradle by means of a curly wire." / {{Alt Text: Cheney also voted against Kung Pao Riblets, but that is between him and the President.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10062004 |
| Achewood - October 6, 2005 | NOK TIP TAP / Hello
/ Hold on wait is this based on religions / Sir, if you have a moment I would like to sit and speak with you about the faith of the Jehovah's Witnesses. / Okay knock yourself out / Thank you, I - / uf / I...I'm Milklin. I'm not too good at this. / MILKLIN
/ WITNESS ONCE RESCINDED / Milklin! / He's the guy... / Who's about to get... / ...kicked out of his religion! / Meet Milklin...the worst Jehovah's Witness ever! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10062005 |
| Achewood - October 6, 2006 | [[The strange man is standing in the doorway. Ray and Bensington Butters are standing outside of it.]]
/ Man: Did you just come in? / Ray: I...I ain't really sure. / Man: Ah, good. My new security system's working. I paid dearly for it. I wish I hadn't, but there you go. The man was inflexible. / Ray: Can...um, do you have a phone we can use? We might be lost. / Man: Lost? Welcome! There, you're found. Isn't hospitality amazing? It has transformative powers. The only thing missing is the smell of hot food. I have none.
/ Ray: Oh, okay. Thanks, man. / Man (looking downward angrily): You were asking about a phone. I haven't got one. I find them possessive. I find them rude. A phone is like a woman who hates you. It's all she does. / Ray: Whew. Yeah, yeah. Right. Exactly. Listen, you got like e-mail access or anything? / Man: E-mail! Now THAT'S something I've ben wanting to talk to someone about. Come inside. I bought a computer, but I'm a little behind on the idea. Maybe you two can help me. It sounds like you can. / [[Ray and Butters share a confused and hesitant look.]] / [[From an outside view, the door closes with a < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10062006 |
| Achewood ? October 6, 2008 | Lyle: Halloween's comin' up, squirt--- you got a costume picked out? / Philippe: Oh! Yes! I'm going to be a princess!
/ Lyle: A boy princess? How's that work? Like, little underpants with a banana in the front? / [[A thought bubble forms over Philippe's head]] / [[Philippe wearing underpants with a banana stuck down the front]]
/ Philippe: Princess Philippe and Underpants Dan are gonna save... / Philippe:... the WORLD! / Banana: BUT WAIT! WHAT IF THE ENEMY... IS INSIDE OF US?! / Philippe: Good point! We'd better go... to the DOCTOR! / Philippe: Say! He could be my sidekick, like Ariel and Sebastian! / Lyle: And I could be mean to you guys! Princesses always got a wicked stepmom or somethin'!
/ Philippe: Oh, boy! Let's practice! / [[Panel title: SOON.]]
/ Lyle: You suck, chica! You'll never finish sweepin' before the prince marries that jota from Kinko's!
/ Philippe: Don't listen to him, Dan! / [[Teodor walks in]]
/ Teodor: WHOA! I'm in the backyard for five minutes and you guys go Off-Broadway? What the hell?! / Philippe: This is my Halloween costume!
/ Teodor: No, this is me spending the rest of my natural born life at the bottom of the prison food chain! Close the blinds and take that banana out of your shorts! / Teodor: Jesus Christ, Lyle! Does our front window always have to be a glimpse into the think tank for deadly sins eight through fourteen?
/ Lyle: I'm havin' Todd over for spaghetti dinner and ipecac pilates at seven. Science don't get paid to rest, son. / {{alt. text: Seriously, there are way more than seven sins. There are like twenty alone on my desktop.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10062008 |
| Achewood - October 7, 2002 | [[Lie Bot and Phillipe are face to face, Lie Bot has hands extended, Phillipe looks very concerned]] Lie Bot: So I guess you're going to have to get a job now, Phillipe!
/ Phillipe: Why do I have to get a job, Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: To take care of the baby! Babies are very expensive!
/ Phillipe: [[small arms spread wide]] But I can't get a job! I don't know how to do anything! / Lie Bot: [[pointing an accusing finger]] Well, apparently you know how to make babies!
/ Phillipe: [[looking downcast]] That... that was an accident! I didn't know that you can't touch flowers! / Lie Bot: So, are you going to wear a tuxedo or just a suit? I suggest a tux. They photograph better.
/ Phillipe: What?! What do you mean? / Lie Bot: [[pointing at Phillipe again]] At the wedding! You can't have a baby and not be married!
/ Phillipe: [[hands to his mouth, sparks of alarm shooting from his little face]] I have to get married?! But I'm only five! / [[Lie Bot is alone in the frame, hands raised as if shrugging]] Lie Bot: You're old enough to make a mistake, and that's old enough to start a family! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10072002 |
| Achewood - October 7, 2002 | [[Lie Bot and Phillipe are face to face, Lie Bot has hands extended, Phillipe looks very concerned]] Lie Bot: So I guess you're going to have to get a job now, Phillipe!
/ Phillipe: Why do I have to get a job, Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: To take care of the baby! Babies are very expensive!
/ Phillipe: [[small arms spread wide]] But I can't get a job! I don't know how to do anything! / Lie Bot: [[pointing an accusing finger]] Well, apparently you know how to make babies!
/ Phillipe: [[looking downcast]] That... that was an accident! I didn't know that you can't touch flowers! / Lie Bot: So, are you going to wear a tuxedo or just a suit? I suggest a tux. They photograph better.
/ Phillipe: What?! What do you mean? / Lie Bot: [[pointing at Phillipe again]] At the wedding! You can't have a baby and not be married!
/ Phillipe: [[hands to his mouth, sparks of alarm shooting from his little face]] I have to get married?! But I'm only five! / [[Lie Bot is alone in the frame, hands raised as if shrugging]] Lie Bot: You're old enough to make a mistake, and that's old enough to start a family! / {{alt text: A DASH OF SALT IN YOUR EYE}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10072002 |
| Animalicious | [[Philippe, Téodor, Roast Beef, and Lyle are in the crowd at the rock festival]]
/ Téodor: Pat's dying up there! We gotta help him! / Téodor: Lyle! Philippe! Beef! Follow me! / [[Pat is on stage, scratching his head]]
/ Pat: Thank you...uh...those were the opening notes to Day Tripper.
/ Does anybody...have any water? / [[Curtains rise from behind Pat]]
/ Pat: What in the devil?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10072003 |
| Achewood - October 7, 2004 | [[Philippe in bed]] / [[Philippe wakes up]]
/ Philippe: I should start a newspaper! / Philippe: Lyle, do you want to write for my newspaper?
/ Lyle: Shaddup, you! / [[Philippe and Roast Beef on the phone]]
/ Philippe: Hi Roast Beef! Do you want to write for my newspaper?
/ Roast Beef: Sure little guy / [[Philippe sits at a table; Roast Beef hands him papers]]
/ Roast Beef: Here you go I tried to cover a variety of topics such as a newspaper does
/ Philippe: Oh, boy! / Vol. 1 No. 1
/ The Philippe Times.
/ 1c
/ I am Running for President!
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief!
/ Only a month before you can finally vote for me! Remember: My main ideas are that I am against guns and smoking.
/ MY PROMISES: If I am elected, all homeless people will get a room rented for them at Motel 6, and there will be free classes to help shy people meet someone they can get married to! Just like Fievel says, there is someone out there for everyone.
/ My favorite food is shrimp (any flavor), and I'm going to be a turtle for Halloween!
/ Sports News
/ by Roast Beef, sports desk
/ It's baseball season right now and that means lots of good baseball fun for baseball fans. I think baseball is over later this month. I remember that because the World Series of 1989 was in October and that is when the Loma Prieta earthquake hit San Francisco. Sixty-two lives were lost, thousands were injured, but perhaps the most devastating was nature's reminder that we are never safe, anywhere.
/ Cubs 7 Metrioles 3 (away) / {{See Page 2 for Entertainment feature story, Jimmy Smits Is Not Very Famous}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10072004 |
| Achewood - October 7, 2005 | The Philippe Times
/ Back Page: Just the Animal Facts, Ma'am!
/ Vol 7 No. 15 / Animal Facts!
/ by Philippe, editor-in-chief!
/ [[Small image of Philippe with his mouth full]]
/ [[Caption: Wasn't done chewing!]] / DID YOU KNOW...
/ They say it's bad luck if a black cat crosses your path, but what if a white cat and a black cat cross your path at the same time, going opposite directions? I bet a ghost voice whispers in your ear, "Would...you...like...to...meet...God...?"
/ I hope no one ever shoots a hippe. I know people can get pretty desperate, but I want to get this idea out there.
/ When we worry too much we go bald, but what if a bird worries? Does he lose his feathers? No, says a friend. He does not.
/ The hamburger is probably the most famous food in the world, but it is only eaten in two shapes: round, and square (Wendy's). Has anyone tried to cook one that is curved? / WARNING--THE FOLLOWING IS NOT AN ANIMAL FACT
/ We always get mad when we get told not to do things, but when we get told to do things, we get mad! (I already sent this one in to Reader's Digest All In A Day's Work so you cannot get an earlier postmark.)
/ END OF NOT AN ANIMAL FACT
/ THANK "U" FOR YOUR PANTIENCE!
/ [[Image of Scott Peterson]]
/ [[Caption: Scott Peterson Sentenced to Death]]
/ Ad: What if you could choose TV's fonts?
/ Lyle threw up at 11:46am on Monday while I was watching Blue's Clues. I had to rewinds a little. / Word to the wise: if you exercise, it hurts, but you feel great after. It's different if you eat a Spicy Tuna Roll that you found on the patio table the morning after a party.
/ Ever tried to get a girlfriend? This can be hard, especially if they are from Asia and they don't like you.
/ The horse is a weird one. What did he descend from? I don't remember any dinosaurs having such big buns.
/ Say, I wonder what animal officially has the biggest buns!
/ I just called the Kids' Zoo in Seattle, and the answer is: hippos! See?! Leave them alone! (Their average bun is 2.7 feel wide - thank you Karen!)
/ It's too bad that horses don't care about information, because in a way, hippos are horses' grandpas. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "just butt out." You may not be used to this, but I actually just butted out. / {{Alt: The hamburger has it all over rice.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10072005 |
| Achewood - Someone is at the door - October 8, 2001 | < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10082001 |
| Achewood - October 8, 2001 | < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10082001 |
| Achewood - October 8, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Philippe standing and talking. Roast Beef holds a lit cigarette. Philipe appears downcast.]]
/ Roast Beef: What's the matter Philippe why you so down
/ Phillippe: I have to get married tomorrow, Roast Beef. / [[Roast Beef takes a drag on his cigarette.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh yeah Lie Bot told me about that / [[Roast Beef exhales a puff of smoke.]]
/ Roast Beef: Well I guess then tonight is your bachelor party / Philippe: Bachelor Party? What's that? / Roast Beef: Oh uh that's when all your dogs come around and you get all real nuts one last time / [[Philippe looks worried. Roast Beef moves his hand in an emphatic gesture.]
/ Philippe: Like with Bad Morals?
/ Roast Beef: Oh man The way you act at a bachelor party is like you don't care about nothin' / [[Caption bar across this panel reads: "That Night." Philippe and Roast Beef sit at a table. They are barely visible on the outsides of the panel. On the table is a Dorito, with a firecracker underneath it. Roast Beef holds a lighter to the fuse of the firecracker.]]
/ Roast Beef: So uh let's light off this firecracker under this Dorito and then we'll have some cake
/ Philippe: But when do we act bad? / [[Full view of Philippe and Roast Beef at the table. Roast Beef still holds the lighter but does not light it. Philippe throws his arms wide.]]
/ Roast Beef: We already -- what about stickin' our middle fingers up That was insane
/ Philippe: But that was just you and me! There wasn't even any music playing! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10082002 |
| Achewood - October 8, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Philippe standing and talking. Roast Beef holds a lit cigarette. Philipe appears downcast.]]
/ Roast Beef: What's the matter Philippe why you so down
/ Phillippe: I have to get married tomorrow, Roast Beef. / [[Roast Beef takes a drag on his cigarette.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh yeah Lie Bot told me about that / [[Roast Beef exhales a puff of smoke.]]
/ Roast Beef: Well I guess then tonight is your bachelor party / Philippe: Bachelor Party? What's that? / Roast Beef: Oh uh that's when all your dogs come around and you get all real nuts one last time / [[Philippe looks worried. Roast Beef moves his hand in an emphatic gesture.]
/ Philippe: Like with Bad Morals?
/ Roast Beef: Oh man The way you act at a bachelor party is like you don't care about nothin' / [[Caption bar across this panel reads: "That Night." Philippe and Roast Beef sit at a table. They are barely visible on the outsides of the panel. On the table is a Dorito, with a firecracker underneath it. Roast Beef holds a lighter to the fuse of the firecracker.]]
/ Roast Beef: So uh let's light off this firecracker under this Dorito and then we'll have some cake
/ Philippe: But when do we act bad? / [[Full view of Philippe and Roast Beef at the table. Roast Beef still holds the lighter but does not light it. Philippe throws his arms wide.]]
/ Roast Beef: We already -- what about stickin' our middle fingers up That was insane
/ Philippe: But that was just you and me! There wasn't even any music playing! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10082002 |
| Achewood - October 8, 2002 | [[Roast Beef and Philippe standing and talking. Roast Beef holds a lit cigarette. Philipe appears downcast.]]
/ Roast Beef: What's the matter Philippe why you so down
/ Phillippe: I have to get married tomorrow, Roast Beef. / [[Roast Beef takes a drag on his cigarette.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh yeah Lie Bot told me about that / [[Roast Beef exhales a puff of smoke.]]
/ Roast Beef: Well I guess then tonight is your bachelor party / Philippe: Bachelor Party? What's that? / Roast Beef: Oh uh that's when all your dogs come around and you get all real nuts one last time / [[Philippe looks worried. Roast Beef moves his hand in an emphatic gesture.]
/ Philippe: Like with Bad Morals?
/ Roast Beef: Oh man The way you act at a bachelor party is like you don't care about nothin' / [[Caption bar across this panel reads: "That Night." Philippe and Roast Beef sit at a table. They are barely visible on the outsides of the panel. On the table is a Dorito, with a firecracker underneath it. Roast Beef holds a lighter to the fuse of the firecracker.]]
/ Roast Beef: So uh let's light off this firecracker under this Dorito and then we'll have some cake
/ Philippe: But when do we act bad? / [[Full view of Philippe and Roast Beef at the table. Roast Beef still holds the lighter but does not light it. Philippe throws his arms wide.]]
/ Roast Beef: We already -- what about stickin' our middle fingers up That was insane
/ Philippe: But that was just you and me! There wasn't even any music playing! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10082002 |
| Achewood - October 8, 2003 | [[Roast Beef is at a keyboard, dressed like an 80s rock star]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh yes people
/ We got Teodor on lead guitar / [[Spotlight on Teodor playing guitar]]
/ Roast Beef: Listen
/ He is hitting some excellent guitar notes right now / [[Closeup of Roast Beef at his keyboard]]
/ Roast Beef: Aww yeah Teodor that third guitar note you played just now was perfect dogg
/ Maybe play it again a little later alright / [[Spotlight on Lyle, playing bass. Lyle's fist is pumping the air]]
/ Roast Beef: On bass we got Lyle / [[Closeup of Roast Beef at his keyboard]]
/ Roast Beef: His notes are so good and thick
/ He stuffs your ears with his thick bass steaks / [[Phillippe is behind a drum set, smiling big]]
/ Roast Beef: On drums we got Philippe
/ Hit all those drums Philippe Just have a great old time
/ Philippe is five years old people so be supportive He needs it at his age / [[Closeup of Roast Beef at his keyboard]]
/ Alright people this next keyboard solo should remind you of what it is like to be on acid
/ Except it will only last three minutes and you will not see a bedspread jump off the bed and tie itself in a knot / Stay with me people http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10082003 |
| Achewood - October 8, 2004 | [[Roast Beef walking past a brick building]] / [[Roast Beef walking to "the Smoke"]] / [[Roast Beef entering the Smoke]] / [[Roast Beef, Emeril and Spongebath at the bar]]
/ Roast Beef: I think me and Molly gonna get our own place / Emeril: It is a fanceyful notion to make such steps as lead you to altar particlar when the mouth is ashes at the news / Emeril: Me'n Spongebath we do not yoke the female unto the covenant of Matrimony and our days they are tranquil The tears they do come but they are not often / {{Whatever Emeril and Spongebath find to cry about is beyond me}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10082004 |
| Achewood - October 8, 2007 | [[Ray and Todd are sitting in the Fiesta Max!, Ray looking depressed and Todd looking extremely tense]]
/ Ray: {{thought-balloon}} How do you tell a cokehead that he ain't famous? Seems impossible... I... I got to get him on TV quick if I'm gonna cash on his crash! We ain't got no time for lunch...
/ Todd: {{thought-balloon}} Frikkin' jerkwad... frikkin' prick... no IDEA how to treat a star like me... / [[Ray is pushing open the door to the Employee Area]] / [[Jai is talking on the telephone, looking depressed]]
/ Jai: I mean, seriously--don't you ever just want to put on a great big T-shirt and cry?
/ Ray: Uh, Jai? / [[Jai immediately shifts into his cheerful, waiter-like demeanor]]
/ Jai: Oh! Hi there! Ready for your Fiesta Names?
/ Ray: Sorry, Jai, but we got to run. My business partner ain't feelin' too hungry. / Ray: I'll call in a few days about those Fiesta Names, okay?
/ Jai: That would be super! / HEADING HOME.
/ [[Exterior shot of an airplane flying]]
/ Ray: TODD! PLEASE DO NOT PLAY TWO DIFFERENT SONGS ON TWO DIFFERENT STEREOS AT THE SAME TIME!
/ Todd: S-S-SCREW YOU! I ONLY LISTEN TO DOUBLE MUSIC! / {{title-text: He needn't bother. His Fiesta Name that visit was just Darlin' Marlin. That's one of the worse ones, no one likes getting it.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10082007 |
| Achewood § October 8, 2008 | Lyle: GAH! If those clowns win the election I'm movin' to Canada! / Teodor: Everybody always says that. What an empty thread. Why Canada? Why not Tokyo? Why not Adelaide? / Lyle: Well, for starters, there's no water between here and Canada, unless you count the water you're gonna break when you're givin' birth to my pain-child! / Teodor: Name one good thing about Canada besides rain, rained-on cement, and the fact that a moose can legally eat the microphones at important state functions. / Loverboy
/ From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia / This article is about Canada music band _Loverboy_. / For other uses, including the cross-eyed Cockney _skiffle_ mutt, please see _Loverboy (disambiguation)_. / Summary
/ Loverboy is a band from Canada. Other bands from Canada include _Dave Thomas_, founder of the _Wendy's fast-food chain_, and _Saartjie Baartman_, the "_Hottentot Venus_." HAAA HAAAA! \[\[This article may require significant cleanup.\]\] / Lyle: Fine, then! I'll secede and have my own damn nation right here in the damn backyard! / Teodor: Good luck, moron! Have fun paying for gas, sewer, water, and electric with compressed pellets of your own dander! / Lyle: I ain't gonna need any of that stuff! Energy's free, if you know how to harness it! / [[Soon.]] / Lyle: OK, Philippe. As soon as the chamber pot weighs more than you, this pulley system lifts you back up into headquarters, and you get a sword. / Philippe: It's official that I put my hand over my heart on the way up, right? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10082008 |
| Achewood - ca. 1902 - October 9, 2001 | [[Mr. Bear and Lyle wear bowler hats and period clothing.]]
/ Narrator: {achewood, ca .1902}
/ Lyle: What kind of coffin do you not care the price of? / Mr. Bear: I cannot begin to guess.
/ Lyle: Your own!
/ Mr. Bear: Oh! That is truly the limit. / [[Mr. Bear has his hat in his hand]]
/ Mr. Bear: My hat is off to you for that wonderful joke.
/ Lyle: Why thank you. How is your mother? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092001 |
| Achewood - October 9, 2001 | [[Cornelius and Lyle wear bowler hats and period clothing.]]
/ {achewood, ca .1902}
/ Lyle: What kind of coffin do you not care the price of? / Cornelius: I cannot begin to guess.
/ Lyle: Your own!
/ Cornelius: Oh! That is truly the limit. / Cornelius: My hat is off to you for that wonderful joke.
/ Lyle: Why thank you. How is your mother? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092001 |
| Achewood - October 9, 2002 | [[Caption: THE CLIENT PRESENTATION]]
/ [[RAY (wearing a business suit) sits at a board room table opposite TODD SQUIRREL]]
/ Todd: Frikkin' hacks!
/ Ray: Excuse me, Todd? / [[Todd holds up a brochure, on which the word 'TODD' is printed with stylized wings]]
/ Todd: This l-l-logo's terrible! I ain't payin' you for this kinda work!
/ Todd: Where's the jazz? Where's the oomph? / [[Ray gesticulates angrily]]
/ Ray: It... it tested very well with our focus group! I... I think you might want to reconsider that opinion!
/ Todd: Remake it or I'm cannin' this whole deal!
/ Ray: GO AHEAD! See if I care, you little piece of shit! / [[Caption: SOON]]
/ [[A dejected Ray approaches Téodor, who is seated in front of his Mac]]
/ Ray: Bad news, Téodor. Major setback with the Todd account.
/ Téodor: What's up? / Ray: He's not happy with the logo. He says it needs more "jazz."
/ Téodor: Alright, gimmie half an hour. / [[Ray rubs his neck apologetically]]
/ Ray: Also, I called him a piece of shit and told him to fire us. / [[Téodor glares at Ray, across an awkward silence.]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092002 |
| Achewood - October 9, 2002 | [[Caption: THE CLIENT PRESENTATION]]
/ [[RAY (wearing a dress shirt and tie) sits at a board room table opposite TODD SQUIRREL]]
/ Todd: Frikkin' hacks!
/ Ray: Excuse me, Todd? / [[Todd holds up a brochure, on which the word 'TODD' is printed with stylized wings]]
/ Todd: This l-l-logo's terrible! I ain't payin' you for this kinda work!
/ Todd: Where's the jazz? Where's the oomph? / [[Ray gesticulates]]
/ Ray: It... it tested very well with our focus group! I... I think you might want to reconsider that opinion!
/ Todd: Remake it or I'm cannin' this whole deal!
/ Ray: GO AHEAD! See if I care, you little piece of shit! / [[Caption: SOON]]
/ [[A dejected Ray approaches Téodor, who is seated in front of his Mac.]]
/ Ray: Bad news, Téodor. Major setback with the Todd account.
/ Téodor: What's up? / Ray: He's not happy with the logo. He says it needs more "jazz."
/ Téodor: Alright, gimmie half an hour. / [[Ray rubs his neck apologetically]]
/ Ray: Also, I called him a piece of shit and told him to fire us. / [[Téodor turns around and glares at Ray.]] / {{title text: hold on Philippe doesn't have fingers and neither does Roast Beef}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092002 |
| Pat's Back | [[MEANWHILE, AT THE HOSPITAL]] / Dr. Andretti: Hi Ray. Sorry to keep you waiting all this time. / Ray: Oh, it's okay Dr. Andretti. I've just been pluckin' out my pubic hair and putting it in this Pepsi can. / Dr. Andretti: Nasty. Anyway, we were able to stabilize Pat with defibrillation. / Ray: That thing where you shock him with the two paddles? / Dr. Andretti: Yes, exactly. It seems to have put him in a pretty foul mood, so be careful when you go in.
/ Ray: {{thinking}} Foul mood? / Ray: Hey, Pat! How you feelin', doggie?
/ Pat: Like I suckled a six pound hornet! Now why don't you do me a favor and shuffle your shit-makin' ass the hell OUT of here!
/ [[END]] / {{alt text: The Prick Is Back In Town}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092003 |
| Achewood - October 9, 2006 | Ray: So, like, what's it you do here? / Lonis: Damn it all! Is my sign out again? I paid dearly for it, but I can't watch it every moment of the day. My business would crumble! You don't know this from the way I seem to just go about answering doors, but I'm a very busy man. / Lonis: Hey! HEY! / [[The sign on Lonis's door slowly brightens, revealing "Lonis F. Edision - Percieved Goods".]] / Lonis: Here. Here's one. It's new. I like it a lot. It's a beer bottle, and the label's a talkie. It plays, live, the worst conversations being had in the English Language. Watch. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092006 |
| Achewood - October 9, 2006 | Ray: So, like, what's it you do, here? / Lonis: Damn it all! Is my sign out again? I paid dearly for it, but I can't watch it every moment of the day. My business would crumble! You don't know this from the way I seem to just go around answering doors, but I'm a very busy man. / Lonis: Hey! HEY! / [[The sign on Lonis's door slowly brightens, revealing "Lonis F. Edision - Percieved Goods".]] / Lonis: Here. Here's one. It's new. I like it a lot. It's a beer bottle, and the label's a talkie. It plays, live, the worst conversations being had in the English Language. Watch. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092006 |
| Achewood - October 9, 2007 | [[Cornelius is sitting in an easy chair, reading, a martini on an end-table next to him]]
/ Ray: Alright Connie, I need a Todd bio written. You think you got two hundred pages in you? / Cornelius: With bright, spacious typography, "wink-nudge" margins, and pull quotes that run to three pages, such an undertaking could hardly be expected to make the century mark. / Ray: Just make it up, dude! / Ray: I actually want it to be hella interestin' and sad -- kind of end on a massive heart attack in the gutter sort of note --- / Ray: ...not just five hundred accounts of Todd gettin' high on brick cleaner and cussin' on the couch. / [[Cornelius sips from his martini]]
/ Cornelius: Very well. What's the occasion? Birthday present for yourself?
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092007 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092009">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092009 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Bedtime Achewood - October 10, 2001 | [[Cornelius, Phillipe and Teodor are in bed]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102001 |
| Bedtime Achewood - October 10, 2001 | [[Cornelius, Phillipe and Teodor are in bed]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102001 |
| Bedtime Achewood - October 10, 2001 | [[Cornelius, Phillipe and Teodor are in bed]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102001 |
| Bedtime Achewood - October 10, 2001 | [[Cornelius, Phillipe and Teodor are in bed]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102001 |
| Bedtime Achewood - October 10, 2001 | [[Cornelius, Phillipe and Teodor are in bed]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102001 |
| Bedtime Achewood - October 10, 2001 | [[Cornelius, Phillipe and Teodor are in bed]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102001 |
| Philippe's Wedding Day | [[Beef and Phillipe are standing outside, Beef wearing a shirt and tie, Phillippe in a tuxedo]]
/ Beef: Well I guess today is the big day Phillipe!
/ Phillippe: How come there aren't any people at my wedding? / Beef: What do you mean I see all kinds of folks / [[The backyard is empty]] / Phillippe: Where? / Beef: I brought all my imaginary friends from childhood!
/ Phillippe: You did? / Beef: Phillippe I would like you to meet Thigh Bone
/ Phillippe: Hello Thigh Bone!
/ Beef: and Small Talk
/ Phillippe: Nice to meet you Small Talk! / Beef: This is Montmartre, he came over with Freddie Fractions
/ Phillippe: Hi guys! / Beef: Montmartre where are Woman-Man and Mr. Tears
/ Beef: Oh my god
/ Beef: They both suicided? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102002 |
| Achewood - October 10, 2003 | Oh, hold on! I forgot to explain how this all works (How Achewood works). I promise it's all quite simple . . . maybe the main thing to remember is that: if Ray or Lyle wants a submarine sandwich then they head to the "Underground." Hey! Underground: subterranean landscape of animal-run storefronts etc. "But how do they get to the Underground?" Manhole covers, storm drains, basements, tree trunks, riverbanks, etc. / {{ Some background, long in coming and more in transit. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102003 |
| Achewood - October 10, 2005 | [[Roast Beef's front door. Beef is wearing trunks, and Milklin is sitting on the ground, feeling down]]
/ Roast Beef: Huh Milklin so like you been havin' a rough time of getting people to be Jehovah's Witnesses
/ Milklin: Trina and Mr. Dan actually left the congregation after my mini-sermon on saving money around the house.
/ Roast Beef: How did you make a livin' before you set out on this
/ [[1st Brochure: Gray one, showcasing a flowerly car seat cover]]
/ The Holidaymaker / A car seat cover with an eye for leisure / Choose one:
/ []Delightfully Yours
/ []Kiss Me Kate (on backorder) / Your Local Sales Rep:
/ Milklin Honniker / [[2nd Brochure: Black, with a white square showcasing the product: A standing oven with a heating protrusion and a rotating protusion]] / Roasting a perfect bird has never been a problem. For this machine. / the Patrician. (trademark) / Contact your local Patrician (trademark) sales representative Milklin Honniker / "Innovations a Specialty" / [[3rd Brochure: White Brochure. All words this time]] / INSTA-LIT
/ INSTA-LIT / Literature for the children of loving, nontraditional family environments / Our Featured Titles: / Heather Has Two Mommies
/ A young girl grows up with lesbian parents. / Daddy Loves Robert Now
/ A young boy learns to understand what it means that his father is gay. / I Saw Mayor Rufus Kissing Mommy Where She Pees From
/ A boy sees what he should not have seen. (new) / Your INSTA-LIT Representative
/ [[Written in handwriting]] Milklin Honniker / {{Alt Text: The product has been on backorder for so long that that is its primary feature}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102005 |
| Achewood - October 10, 2005 | [[Roast Beef's front door. Beef is wearing trunks, and Milklin is sitting on the ground, feeling down]]
/ Roast Beef: Huh Milklin so like you been havin' a rough time of getting people to be Jehovah's Witnesses
/ Milklin: Trina and Mr. Dan actually left the congregation after my mini-sermon on saving money around the house.
/ Roast Beef: How did you make a livin' before you set out on this
/ [[1st Brochure: Gray one, showcasing a flowerly car seat cover]]
/ The Holidaymaker / A car seat cover with an eye for leisure / Choose one:
/ []Delightfully Yours
/ []Kiss Me Kate (on backorder) / Your Local Sales Rep:
/ Milklin Honniker / [[2nd Brochure: Black, with a white square showcasing the product: A standing oven with a heating protrusion and a rotating protusion]] / Roasting a perfect bird has never been a problem. For this machine. / the Patrician. (trademark) / Contact your local Patrician (trademark) sales representative Milklin Honniker / "Innovations a Specialty" / [[3rd Brochure: White Brochure. All words this time]] / INSTA-LIT
/ INSTA-LIT / Literature for the children of loving, nontraditional family environments / Our Featured Titles: / Heather Has Two Mommies
/ A young girl grows up with lesbian parents. / Daddy Loves Robert Now
/ A young boy learns to understand what it means that his father is gay. / I Saw Mayor Rufus Kissing Mommy Where She Pees From
/ A boy sees what he should not have seen. (new) / Your INSTA-LIT Representative
/ [[Written in handwriting]] Milklin Honniker / {{Alt Text: The product has been on backorder for so long that that is its primary feature}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102005 |
| Achewood - October 10, 2005 | [[Roast Beef's front door. Beef is wearing trunks, and Milklin is sitting on the ground, feeling down]]
/ Roast Beef: Huh Milklin so like you been havin' a rough time of getting people to be Jehovah's Witnesses
/ Milklin: Trina and Mr. Dan actually left the congregation after my mini-sermon on saving money around the house.
/ Roast Beef: How did you make a livin' before you set out on this
/ [[1st Brochure: Gray one, showcasing a flowerly car seat cover]]
/ The Holidaymaker / A car seat cover with an eye for leisure / Choose one:
/ []Delightfully Yours
/ []Kiss Me Kate (on backorder) / Your Local Sales Rep:
/ Milklin Honniker / [[2nd Brochure: Black, with a white square showcasing the product: A standing oven with a heating protrusion and a rotating protusion]] / Roasting a perfect bird has never been a problem. For this machine. / the Patrician. (trademark) / Contact your local Patrician (trademark) sales representative Milklin Honniker / "Innovations a Specialty" / [[3rd Brochure: White Brochure. All words this time]] / INSTA-LIT
/ INSTA-LIT / Literature for the children of loving, nontraditional family environments / Our Featured Titles: / Heather Has Two Mommies
/ A young girl grows up with lesbian parents. / Daddy Loves Robert Now
/ A young boy learns to understand what it means that his father is gay. / I Saw Mayor Rufus Kissing Mommy Where She Pees From
/ A boy sees what he should not have seen. (new) / Your INSTA-LIT Representative
/ [[Written in handwriting]] Milklin Honniker / {{Alt Text: The product has been on backorder for so long that that is its primary feature}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10102005 |
| Achewood - Philippe has a Walkman - October 11, 2001 | [[Philippe has a Walkman. Téodor and Mr. Bear watch]]
/ Téodor: What's Philippe listening to? / [[Mr. Bear reaches for the casette case]] / Mr. Bear: "Welcome to the Self-Guided Tour of the Monterey Bay Aquarium." http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112001 |
| Achewood - Philippe has a Walkman - October 11, 2001 | [[Philippe is listening to a Walkman. Téodor and Cornelius Bear watch]]
/ Téodor: What's Philippe listening to? / [[Cornelius reaches for the casette case]] / Cornelius: "Welcome to the Self-Guided Tour of the Monterey Bay Aquarium." http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112001 |
| Achewood - October 11, 2001 | [[Philippe is listening to a Walkman]]
/ Téodor: What's Philippe listening to? / [[Cornelius reaches for the casette case]] / [[Cornelius reads from the case]]
/ Cornelius: "Welcome to the Self-Guided Tour of the Monterey Bay Aquarium." http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10112001 |
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