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| Achewood - November 10, 2004 | [[Ray on phone]]
/ Ray: Hi. Specialty MeatCo? Yeah, it's Mr. Red. Password 0509971 / Ray: Yeah, hi. I need you to set me up for Thanksgiving. / Ray: Well, my tastes are pretty traditional, but a plain old turkey just ain't that... interesting, you know? Alternative lifestyle turkeys, huh? Talk to me. / Ray: Nah, I ain't wanna eat anything that was a coprophiliac. We been through this. What other kind of turkeys you got? / Ray: Swinger? Nah. Transgender? No. A turkey that believed in voodoo? Better not. You got anything else? / [[Ray drinks]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102004 |
| Achewood - November 10, 2005 | Showbiz: So how you doin', Beef? You still into Internet?
/ Roast Beef: Still pretty into that yeah / Showbiz: Oh! DUDE--does the world have a website?!
/ Roast Beef: Uh Google I guess. / Showbiz: No, man! A Web page! "The World's Website"! Let's make!
/ Showbiz: Think how many ads we can sell! No one thinks about Europe, man!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102005 |
| Junk Plucker | Ray: Daaamn. Look at this ad here, Beef. The strongest guy in the area says he'll come to your house and pick you up by your junk. One-handed. / Roast Beef: What's the idea / Ray: Doors of perception, life-affirming, challenging boundaries, that kind of stuff.
/ Also, if you have it done in front of your co-workers and friends, it "fosters respect in a primal way that can't be defined." / Ray: If you think about it, it just makes a ton of sense.
/ Roast Beef: Sounds like you think you gonna do it / Caption: SOON.
/ [[Phillipe, Téodor, Lyle, Dr. Andretti, and Roast Beef stand watching.]] / [[A huge, muscled, bearded cat is lifting up Ray by his junk]] / {{title text- Achewood is not responsible for any snappages}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102006 |
| Junk Plucker | Ray: Daaamn. Look at this ad here, Beef. The strongest guy in the area says he'll come to your house and pick you up by your junk. One-handed. / Roast Beef: What's the idea / Ray: Doors of perception, life-affirming, challenging boundaries, that kind of stuff.
/ Also, if you have it done in front of your co-workers and friends, it "fosters respect in a primal way that can't be defined." / Ray: If you think about it, it just makes a ton of sense.
/ Roast Beef: Sounds like you think you gonna do it / Caption: SOON.
/ [[Phillipe, Téodor, Lyle, Dr. Andretti, and Roast Beef stand watching.]] / [[A huge, muscled, bearded cat is lifting up Ray by his junk]] / {{title text- Achewood is not responsible for any snappages}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102006 |
| Junk Plucker | Ray: Daaamn. Look at this ad here, Beef. The strongest guy in the area says he'll come to your house and pick you up by your junk. One-handed. / Roast Beef: What's the idea / Ray: Doors of perception, life-affirming, challenging boundaries, that kind of stuff.
/ Also, if you have it done in front of your co-workers and friends, it "fosters respect in a primal way that can't be defined." / Ray: If you think about it, it just makes a ton of sense.
/ Roast Beef: Sounds like you think you gonna do it / Caption: SOON.
/ [[Phillipe, Téodor, Lyle, Dr. Andretti, and Roast Beef stand watching.]] / [[A huge, muscled, bearded cat is lifting up Ray by his junk]] / {{title text- Achewood is not responsible for any snappages}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11102006 |
| Achewood - November 11, 2002 | Philippe: Phew! I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story...
/ Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused!
/ Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny?
/ Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded!
/ Philippe: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002 |
| Achewood - November 11, 2002 | Philippe: Phew! I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story...
/ Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused!
/ Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny?
/ Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded!
/ Philippe: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002 |
| Achewood - November 11, 2002 | Philippe: Phew! I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story...
/ Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused!
/ Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny?
/ Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded!
/ Philippe: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002 |
| Achewood - November 11, 2002 | [[Philippe and Ultra Peanut alone together]]
/ Philippe: Phew!
/ Philippe: I really thought that flower was pregnant! / Philippe: I mean, it sorta makes sense... all the pollen and stuff, and that birds and bees story...
/ Ultra Peanut: Hee hee! / Philippe: Surely you can see how a guy could get confused!
/ Ultra Peanut: You funny FeeReep! You a real Super-size homo jackass! / Philippe: You think I'm funny?
/ Ultra Peanut: You marry a frower and try to have a baby! You a retard! / Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, I guess I am a little retarded!
/ Philippe: (sings) "What's a guy to do!" / Philippe: (sings) I guess that I'm retarded But what's a guy to do-
/ Philippe: (sings) I like to marry things I find I'm glad that I found you!
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112002 |
| Achewood - November 11, 2003 | Road sign: NOW ENTERING THREADVILLE
/ POP 2053 ELEV 104 / Nice Pete: Oh we all gonna answer when the big bell rings / Nice Pete: We all got to answer that bell / Nice Pete: That big bell gonna come ringin' / Nice Pete: And send all the children to Hell http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112003 |
| Nice Pete's Lullaby | Road sign: NOW ENTERING THREADVILLE
/ POP 2053 ELEV 104 / Nice Pete: Oh we all gonna answer when the big bell rings / Nice Pete: We all got to answer that bell / Nice Pete: That big bell gonna come ringin' / Nice Pete: And send all the children to Hell / {{Alt text: A family standard in the Nice Pete home}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112003 |
| Achewood - November 11, 2004 | [[Teodor at computer]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112004 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11112008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| The Humans Show | [[Cardboard TV]]
/ Philippe: Ha ha! What show is this?
/ Mr. Bear: Today we're acting like humans! Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: Hey, look at me! I'm a human! Man, this Jeff Beck album really cooks!
/ Philippe: Ha ha! / Philippe: Hi Lyle!
/ Lyle: I'm a human! I invented a voice mail system where "7" means "delete"! / {{seven, cell phone, telephone, tie, television, pretend}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122001 |
| The Humans Show | [[Cardboard TV]]
/ Philippe: Ha ha! What show is this?
/ Mr. Bear: Today we're acting like humans! Lie Bot? / Lie Bot: Hey, look at me! I'm a human! Man, this Jeff Beck album really cooks!
/ Philippe: Ha ha! / Philippe: Hi Lyle!
/ Lyle: I'm a human! I invented a voice mail system where "7" means "delete"! / {{seven, cell phone, telephone, tie, television, pretend}}
/ {{alt-text: Early adopters will recall this as a bonus comic from 11.12.01}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122001 |
| Achewood - November 12, 2001 | [[Cornelius is inside a cardboard TV set, with Philippe watching]]
/ Philippe: Ha ha! What show is this?
/ Cornelius: Today we're acting like humans! Lie Bot? / [[Lie Bot takes Cornelius's place, wearing a tie]]
/ Lie Bot: Hey, look at me! I'm a human! Man, this Jeff Beck album really cooks!
/ Philippe: Ha ha! / [[Lyle takes Lie Bot's place, wearing a business suit and holding a cell phone]]
/ Philippe: Hi Lyle!
/ Lyle: I'm a human! I invented a voice mail system where "7" means "delete"! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122001 |
| Todd's Gift of Hi-Five | Todd: Special delivery for Ray Smuckles! / Ray: What's all this, Todd?
/ Todd: That's fifty grams of blow is what it is, grandpa! / Ray: Man, you dumbass squirrels ain't nothin' but trouble! I don't want any of this! / Ray: I start doing coke, next thing you know it's a bandana and a needle full of Hi-Five! / Ray: Two weeks later I wake up in a tub full of ice, barely able to bid for my own kidneys on eBay! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122002 |
| Todd's Gift of Hi-Five | [[Ray at the piano]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122002 |
| Achewood - November 12, 2003 | click / zzzzz http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122003 |
| Achewood - November 12, 2003 | [[ A shack at night in the rain, boards on the windows ]]
/ click
/ [[ the windows glow with light ]]
/ [[Nice Pete and Philippe enter ]]
/ [[ An old man nods at his cash register ]]
/ zzzzz http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122003 |
| Achewood - November 12, 2003 | [[Super-Secret Ice Cream Shop in the dark and rain.]] / [[The lights come on in the boarded-up windows.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122003 |
| Achewood - November 12, 2004 | Pat: Thank you for coming over, Roast Beef. I made us some bulgur salad as a reward for when we get done reviewing my tax return.
/ Beef: Say hi Weldon
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122004 |
| Achewood - November 12, 2007 | [[A computer screen shows an eBay page. At the top reads "You are signed in as OrganizedMan" Below reads, "item #90824357032: CHEESE MADE FROM THE BREAST MILK OF RAY SMUCKLES' MOM. We have two lots of cheese made from the breast milk of ray smuckles' mom. milk was collected in early 70s from a pumping and found left in a san francisco motel fridge cheese looks like white lumps in cloudy liquid and"]] / [[Ray is sitting in front of a computer and looks shocked]] / [[On the phone]] / Ray: PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP EBAY. TODAY IS THE DAY YOU PICK UP. PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP. EBAY PICK UP. / [[Still on the phone, the right half of the panel shows a photo of a tall building with the caption "ebay headquarters"]]
/ Ray: Hi. Awesome. Great. Thanks for picking up. Meg Whitman please. CEO of your company. Flat regular lady business hair, probably a Maserati. Just find her. / Narration: One panel later
/ Ray: Meg? Baby. PLEASE don't sell my mama's milk, PLEASE don't sell my mama's cheese. PLEASE, baby girl. < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122007 |
| Achewood - November 12, 2007 | [[A computer screen shows an eBay page. At the top reads "You are signed in as OrganizedMan" Below reads, "item #90824357032: CHEESE MADE FROM THE BREAST MILK OF RAY SMUCKLES' MOM. We have two lots of cheese made from the breast milk of ray smuckles' mom. milk was collected in early 70s from a pumping and found left in a san francisco motel fridge cheese looks like white lumps in cloudy liquid and"]] / [[Ray is sitting in front of a computer and looks shocked]] / [[On the phone]] / Ray: PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP EBAY. TODAY IS THE DAY YOU PICK UP. PICK UP PICK UP PICK UP. EBAY PICK UP. / [[Still on the phone, the right half of the panel shows a photo of a tall building with the caption "ebay headquarters"]]
/ Ray: Hi. Awesome. Great. Thanks for picking up. Meg Whitman please. CEO of your company. Flat regular lady business hair, probably a Maserati. Just find her. / Narration: One panel later
/ Ray: Meg? Baby. PLEASE don't sell my mama's milk, PLEASE don't sell my mama's cheese. PLEASE, baby girl. < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11122007 |
| He is strange in his sleep | [[Mr. Bear sleeping]]
/ Téodor: Watch this. He says crazy things if you mess with him.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132001 |
| Achewood - November 13, 2001 | [[Cornelius is sleeping. Téodor and Philippe are standing next to the bed]]
/ Cornelius: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132001 |
| Achewood - November 13, 2003 | [[ The old man snores at his cash register ]]
/ << Zzzzzz >> / [[ The old man slaps at his chest ]]
/ << smack smack >> / [[ He opens his eyes and looks down blearily]]
/ << snif >> / [[ Philippe stands shivering in his bumblebee suit ]] / [[ The glasses sit on the shelf, promises of Gelato long in the past ]] / [[ The old man at the cash register, now fully awake, surveys Philippe ]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132003 |
| Achewood - November 13, 2003 | [[ The old man snores at his cash register ]]
/ << Zzzzzz >> / [[ The old man wakes up, smacking his lips. ]]
/ << smack smack >> / [[ He opens his eyes and looks down blearily]]
/ << snif >> / [[ Philippe stands shivering in his bumblebee suit ]] / [[ The glasses sit on the shelf, promises of Gelato long in the past. A spider's web hangs from the shelf, and the wallpaper is peeling. ]] / [[ The old man at the cash register, now fully awake, glares at Philippe ]] / {{ ... }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132003 |
| When geniuses and trucking collide. | [[Half the panel is a picture of the book "A Hilarious Comedy" by Nice Pete, the other half shows part of Chapter 1. Halfway through the first page, there is an illustration of two men with moustaches]]
/ A Hilarious Comedy: The truck driver felt bad about what he was doing, but at the same time was glad no-one was bothering him, for what he was doing was a crime.
/ "Hello" said the truck driver, whose name was Alan, as he unloaded the burlap package from the sleeper cab of his '91 Peterbilt "Sorry," he seemed to say.
/ Alan drove a route called the Piccolo Pete for ConFlavin, America's largest distributor of chicken meat. He was a good man, and union, but he was not the most careful of fellows, and sad to say but he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He often ran afoul of the powers that be and his paperwork was, heh, well, shucks. It was often the subject of jokes at truck stops along the Piccolo Pete, where Alan was routinely seen pulled over and puzzling on a ledger while the bear stood there with his arms folded, barely able to contain his laughter. It was good times, and full of fun, but one sensed that all the constant guffaws built up in Alan. Not a lot, and not too quick, but some.
/ Chapter 2:
/ Jericho Smalls stood sat alone in a window booth at the Dixie May truck stop in Conetta, Alabama. A genius, he played chess against himself on a chessboard that sat atop a Lazy Susan. Several Empty / {{title text- This tale may sour on your geniuses}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132006 |
| When geniuses and trucking collide. | [[Half the panel is a picture of the book "A Hilarious Comedy" by Peter H. Cropes (aka Nice Pete), the other half shows part of Chapter 1. Halfway through the first page, there is an illustration of two men with moustaches]]
/ A Hilarious Comedy: The truck driver felt bad about what he was doing, but at the same time was glad no-one was bothering him, for what he was doing was a crime.
/ "Hello" said the truck driver, whose name was Alan, as he unloaded the burlap package from the sleeper cab of his '91 Peterbilt "Sorry," he seemed to say.
/ Alan drove a route called the Piccolo Pete for ConFlavin, America's largest distributor of chicken meat. He was a good man, and union, but he was not the most careful of fellows, and sad to say but he was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He often ran afoul of the powers that be and his paperwork was, heh, well, shucks. It was often the subject of jokes at truck stops along the Piccolo Pete, where Alan was routinely seen pulled over and puzzling on a ledger while the bear stood there with his arms folded, barely able to contain his laughter. It was good times, and full of fun, but one sensed that all the constant guffaws built up in Alan. Not a lot, and not too quick, but some.
/ Chapter 2:
/ Jericho Smalls stood sat alone in a window booth at the Dixie May truck stop in Conetta, Alabama. A genius, he played chess against himself on a chessboard that sat atop a Lazy Susan. Several Empty / {{title text- This tale may sour on your geniuses}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132006 |
| Achewood - November 13, 2007 - 'He Meets Him' | [[Ray is sitting inside a 10 gallon cooler with one fist raised, "2008" is painted on the front of the cooler. The cooler also contains some soda bottles to his left.]] / [[Cornelius is holding a letter]]
/ Cornelius: Ray? Curious letter for you. What...what am I interrupting?
/ Ray: Oh, just workin' on ideas for my New Years card. Got my childhood cooler here. / Cornelius: Very good. I note that the address is actually typed on a 1903 Hellerbach, meaning this isn't some sort of misleading mortgage advertisement.
/ Ray [[reaching for letter]]: Oh, you'd be surprised. They can do anything these days. / [[Close-up view of letter reads: Hello Ray, My name is Dornheim. My father, Ramses Luther Smuckles, suggested to me that we may be half-brothers. I'm coming through your area tomorrow and would like to have lunch or a beer. I'll stop by at noon. -- Dornheim. Ps. nice work w/ the GOF.]] / Narrator: The next day.
/ [[Dornheim is at Ray's front door. They are shaking hands.]]
/ Dornheim: Hi, Ray. Dornheim. Got time for lunch or a beer? I saw a few places within five miles. We can take my Honda. / Narrator: So.
/ [[A diner seen from some distance, it is nighttime]]
/ Dornheim: No, the service ceiling of the F/A-18 Hornet is only 50,000 feet, so a rogue Blue Angel wouldn't pose any threat to an orbiting Space Shuttle.
/ Ray: But what about its missiles?!
/ Dornheim: Good question, but the F/A doesn't carry hardpoints that can function in zero gravity. / {{alt-text: Ray takes this opportunity to do some research for his screenplay where a rogue Blue Angel attacks the Space Shuttle. Nicolas Cage ensues.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132007 |
| Achewood - November 13, 2007 - 'He Meets Him' | [[Ray is sitting inside a 10 gallon cooler with one fist raised, "2008" is painted on the front of the cooler. The cooler also contains some soda bottles to his left.]] / [[Cornelius is holding a letter]]
/ Cornelius: Ray? Curious letter for you. What...what am I interrupting?
/ Ray: Oh, just workin' on ideas for my New Years card. Got my childhood cooler here. / Cornelius: Very good. I note that the address is actually typed on a 1903 Hellerbach, meaning this isn't some sort of misleading mortgage advertisement.
/ Ray [[reaching for letter]]: Oh, you'd be surprised. They can do anything these days. / [[Close-up view of letter reads: Hello Ray, My name is Dornheim. My father, Ramses Luther Smuckles, suggested to me that we may be half-brothers. I'm coming through your area tomorrow and would like to have lunch or a beer. I'll stop by at noon. -- Dornheim. Ps. nice work w/ the GOF.]] / Narrator: The next day.
/ [[Dornheim is at Ray's front door. They are shaking hands.]]
/ Dornheim: Hi, Ray. Dornheim. Got time for lunch or a beer? I saw a few places within five miles. We can take my Honda. / Narrator: So.
/ [[A diner seen from some distance, it is nighttime]]
/ Dornheim: No, the service ceiling of the F/A-18 Hornet is only 50,000 feet, so a rogue Blue Angel wouldn't pose any threat to an orbiting Space Shuttle.
/ Ray: But what about its missiles?!
/ Dornheim: Good question, but the F/A doesn't carry hardpoints that can function in zero gravity. / {{alt-text: Ray takes this opportunity to do some research for his screenplay where a rogue Blue Angel attacks the Space Shuttle. Nicolas Cage ensues.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11132007 |
| Todd the Squirrel | [[At windowsill]]
/ Téodor: So, Todd, how is this year's acorn crop?
/ Todd: It's frikkin' AWESOME! / Todd: I found like twelve acorns, and also I found an-an-an old dead body!
/ Téodor: Really? / Todd: It-it-it was my cousin Frankie! Cousin Frankie!
/ Téodor: Oh! A dead squirrel body. I thought you meant like a real dead body. / Todd: Whaddaya mean, "real" dead body? He was my frikkin' cousin! Are you some kinda jerk or what? / Téodor: Hey, whoah. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. How did your cousin die? / Todd: He was 'sploded by a car. / {{exploded, freakin', freaking, whoa, franky, acorns, window, ledge, stutter}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142001 |
| Achewood - November 14, 2001 | [[At windowsill]]
/ Téodor: So, Todd, how is this year's acorn crop?
/ Todd: It's frikkin' AWESOME! / Todd: I found like twelve acorns, and also I found an-an-an old dead body!
/ Téodor: Really? / Todd: It-it-it was my cousin Frankie! Cousin Frankie!
/ Téodor: Oh! A dead squirrel body. I thought you meant like a real dead body. / Todd: Whaddaya mean, "real" dead body? He was my frikkin' cousin! Are you some kinda jerk or what? / Téodor: Hey, whoah. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. How did your cousin die? / Todd: He was 'sploded by a car. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142001 |
| Achewood - November 14, 2002 | [[Ray enters from left wearing robe with musical notes on it, open in front. Roast Beef seated, wearing short-sleeved, button-front shirt with thin, black tie.]]
/ Ray: Hey hey hey, Roast Beef! How's my music video script comin'? / Roast Beef: Uh pretty slow. I ain't too good at this Ray. / [[Ray grabs sheet of paper, Roast Beef tries to hold it back.]]
/ Ray: Aww baloney! Here, let me see that!
/ Roast Beef: Oh gosh man I ain't barely even started. / [[Ray in forward-leaning stance with head waggle, Roast Beef with eyes screwed shut in embarrassment.]]
/ Ray: Now let's just see what we got heah'! / [[Ray holding sheet paper at arm's length, eyebrows raised.]] / [[Close-up of sheet of paper held by Ray, Roast Beef visible beyond paper on right side with expectant or hopeful look on his face.]]
/ Text on paper: Things Ray Could do in his video
/ 1. Explore a farm (carrots, etc)
/ 2. Take a retarded child camping
/ 3. Sort of a tribute thing to Helen Keller (AT END: PLACE A ROSE ON HER GRAVE) / {{Title or meta-text: roast beef has only ever watched PBS}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142002 |
| Achewood - November 14, 2003 | [[It is night. Rain falls on a small cabin]]
/ [[Philippe, clad in a bee costume, opens the door and runs outside]]
/ [[Nice Pete stands in the doorway]]
/ [[Philippe is behind the wheel of Nice Pete's van]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142003 |
| Achewood - November 14, 2003 | [[It is night. Rain falls on a small cabin]]
/ [[Philippe, clad in a bee costume, opens the door and runs outside]]
/ [[Nice Pete stands in the doorway]]
/ [[Philippe is behind the wheel of Nice Pete's van]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142003 |
| Achewood - November 14, 2003 | [[The Super-Secret Ice Cream Shop, a small cabin with lights on in the boarded-up windows, stands in the dark and rain.]] / [[Philippe, clad in a bee costume, slams the door open and runs outside.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142003 |
| Achewood - November 14, 2005 | Showbiz: Man, I got the skitters somethin' awful! What was that cheese called again? / Roast Beef: You might be the only guy on earth ever spread brie on a hot dog bun / Showbiz: I thought that shit was just old mayo! / Roast Beef: That don't exactly explain why you tried to eat it / Showbiz: I'm bored! Let's go pick us up some poontang! / Roast Beef: You shouldn't hit on chicks if you have the runs man think about the outcome / Showbiz: I do it all the time! Hella works!
/ Showbiz: Hey, I'm gonna make a million bucks! You know how? / Showbiz: There's no place to learn how to rob a bank! We could run a secret school! No questions asked!
/ Showbiz: Ad in the back of Soldier of Fortune, man! / Showbiz: Stand behind the couch, pretend you're a teller!
/ Showbiz: Come on! / SOON.
/ Showbiz: Fuck you! Give me the money, idiot! I'm from Switzerland! / Roast Beef: Showbiz why are you mentioning Switzerland / Showbiz: Sounds scary!
/ Showbiz: Freaks 'em out! / Roast Beef: Switzerland is a place where old men eat chocolate
/ Showbiz: Alright, so I'm from Cozumel then! Give me the money, idiot! / Roast Beef: Are those the only two foreign places you can think of? / Showbiz: POW! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142005 |
| Jack and Diane Party | [[Roast Beef and Molly are dressed like Rednecks. Roast Beef is on the phone]]
/ Roast Beef: Dogg check it out Molly and me are having a Jack and Diane party / [[There are two white gloves in a black panel]] / [[The two white gloves came together in a clap]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142006 |
| Jack and Diane Party | [[Roast Beef wears a black mullet wig, a gas station workshirt with the sleeves torn off and wristbands. Molly has dyed her hair blonde and wears a tank top through which her nipples are visible. Molly has a drink and Roast Beef is on the phone]]
/ Roast Beef: Dogg check it out Molly and me are having a Jack and Diane party / [[There are two white gloves in a black panel]] / [[The two white gloves came together in a clap]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142006 |
| Guy Talk | DORNHEIM: You can't be serious. You drive a Cadillac Escalade?
/ RAY: Made in America, bomb-shiggedy! / DORNHEIM: Actually, your Escalade was assembled at the GM plant in Mexico, from God knows what.
/ DORNHEIM: GM isn't going to do anything to disabuse you of your "all-American" assumptions, of course. / DORNHEIM: The best thing that can be said about the Escalade is that it has the fuel economy of an oil fire and handles like a Best Western. / RAY: Daaang, Dornheim! Cars, planes, politics, newspapers... you know goddamn everything! / RAY: Tell me this, though.
/ RAY: All cars are, like, internal combustion, right? / DORNHEIM: The most successful ones, yes.
/ RAY: What would an EXTERNAL combustion engine be like? / [[DORNHEIM thinking]] / [[a car]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11142007 |
| International relations primer | Philippe: Lie bot, do other people really want to kill Americans?
/ Lie Bot: Oh hell yes!
/ Philippe: How come? / Lie Bot: Because we're so superior! We've got big vocabularies and we get fresh with the fine women! / Philippe: I don't have a big vocabulary.
/ Lie Bot: But you still get fresh with the fine women, right?
/ Philippie: I think so / {{superiority, Liebot}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152001 |
| Achewood - November 15, 2001 | Philippe: Lie Bot, do other people really want to kill Americans?
/ Lie Bot: Oh hell yes!
/ Philippe: How come? / Lie Bot: Because we're so superior! We've got big vocabularies and we get fresh with the fine women! / Philippe: I don't have a big vocabulary.
/ Lie Bot: But you still get fresh with the fine women, right?
/ Philippie: I think so http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152001 |
| Achewood - November 15, 2002 | [[Ray is wearing a kimono and holding Roast Beef's list of music video ideas.]]
/ Ray: Beef, you got the wrong idea about music videos! / Ray: Now why don't you just try again! I know you can do better!
/ Roast Beef: Shucks man I don't know about this / Ray: Just make it fun to watch! That's all people want! Just make it a party! / [[Ray whirls away. Roast Beef looks perplexed and upset.]] / [[LATER THAT NIGHT]]
/ [[Roast Beef is furiously typing at his computer, looking exhausted and determined.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152002 |
| Achewood - November 15, 2002 | [[Ray is wearing a robe decorated with tied quarter notes.]]
/ Ray: Beef, you got the wrong idea about music videos. / [[Ray talks to Roast Beef.]]
/ Ray: Now why don't you just try again! I know you can do better!
/ Roast Beef: Shucks man I don't know about this / [[Ray, circling his arms to rally Roast Beef.]]
/ Ray: Just make it fun to watch! That's all people want! Just make it a party! / [[Roast Beef is thinking, with a worried expression.]] / {{Panel title: "LATER THAT NIGHT"}}
/ [[The room is dark, and Roast Beef is busy at his computer. The sounds of < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152002 |
| Achewood - November 15, 2002 | [[Ray is wearing a robe with music symbols and holding Roast Beef's list of music video ideas.]]
/ Ray: Beef, you got the wrong idea about music videos! / Ray: Now why don't you just try again! I know you can do better!
/ Roast Beef: Shucks man I don't know about this / Ray: Just make it fun to watch! That's all people want! Just make it a party! / [[Ray whirls away. Roast Beef looks perplexed and upset.]] / [[LATER THAT NIGHT]]
/ [[Roast Beef is sitting in a dark room, furiously typing at his computer, looking exhausted and determined. Panel caption: LATER THAT NIGHT]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152002 |
| Achewood - November 15, 2004 | [[Pat on the phone]]
/ Pat: Ray! This is Pat! Listen to me! / [[Ray on the phone in front of the toilet]]
/ Ray: JUFF A FECOND 'UDE
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152004 |
| Rockford Fosgate II | [[Roast Beef is working at the computer. He turns his head, surprised, when Ray suddenly enters with an envelope.]]
/ Ray: Hey, Beef! Letter came for Showbiz! What's goin' on? / [[Roast Beef reaches for the letter.]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh he is travelling for a while and must have had his mail forwarded here sorry about that / Ray: Neat! Where'd he go? / Roast Beef: He uh he is partying down in Cozumel
/ The chicks there are uh they are just insane this time of year / Ray: Huh, that's weird! I've always heard that the chicks in Cozumel are pretty conservative this time of year! / [[Ray looks thoughtful.]] / Ray: Well, that's Showbiz for you. Guy could party with a Dutch oven if he wanted to.
/ Life is hilarious! / Ray: Anyhow, here's the letter. / [[Ray continues to hold the letter, but points to it.]] / [[Caption: "SOON." Roast Beef is holding the envelope, and is looking dismayed.]] / [[We see the envelope close up; it is addressed to:
/ Michael "Showbiz"
/ 811 Via Vera
/ Achewood Heights,
/ 94526
/ (Much of the address is cut off by the frame.)
/ The return label reads "Rockford Fosgate Automotive Audio Systems Department of Collections", and there is a sticker on the envelope reading "THIRD NOTICE".]] / {{alt-text: Please click here to understand the awesome danger of Rockford Fosgate}}
/ {{link: http://www.rockfordfosgate.com/home/index.asp}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152005 |
| Roast Beef's Odor | < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152006 |
| Roast Beef's Odor | < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152006 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11152008 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Téodor has met a girl! | [[On couch]]
/ Lyle: I heard you met some broad on the Internet!
/ Téodor: Yeah. / Lyle: ...so?
/ Téodor: So, what?
/ Lyle: So, do you like her? / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162001 |
| Téodor has met a girl! | [[Téodor and Lyle are sitting next to one another on the couch]]
/ Lyle: I heard you met some broad on the Internet!
/ Téodor: Yeah. / Lyle: ...so?
/ Téodor: So, what?
/ Lyle: So, do you like her? / [[Téodor stares off into the distance and sighs]] / Téodor: I think about her in my private moments. / {{sofa, beer, skull shirt, dating, girlfriend, girl, woman}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162001 |
| Téodor has met a girl! | [[On couch]]
/ Lyle: I heard you met some broad on the Internet!
/ Téodor: [[looks away.]] Yeah. / Lyle: ...so?
/ Téodor: So, what?
/ Lyle: So, do you like her? / Teodor: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162001 |
| Achewood - November 16, 2001 | [[Téodor and Lyle are sitting on the couch]]
/ Lyle: I heard you met some broad on the Internet!
/ Téodor: Yeah. / Lyle: ...so?
/ Téodor: So, what?
/ Lyle: So, do you like her? / Téodor: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162001 |
| Scan of first character study page | [[A scan of an early page of drawings by Onstad, including various pictures of Teodor (referred to as Theodore at one point), Cornelius, Lyle, Philippe (drawn in older form, wearing various pairs of pants), and some kind of nonexistent bear character named E-BEAR; he may be an antecedent of Ray, as he appears to be wearing a medallion of some kind. There is cursive text on the right, but it is largely intelligible. Our best guess:
/ "The premise is that the animals are left in their owner's house all day every day. But they are not cleaned up for Gyrated consumption cute and natural storylines."
/ There is also some kind of drawing of a neatly bisected breast in the top right corner, with completely untranslatable scribblings inside it; the last word of it appears to be "Philippe".]] / {{alt-text: Scan of first character study page}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11162004 |
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