You're browsing the archives of Achewood.
You can search these comics too.

show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]

a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11232008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11232008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - November 24, 2003 [[Raindrops fall on the road]] / <> / [[Philippe, dressed as a bumblebee, hops out of a car]] / Philippe, looking down: Oh no! Stupid deer! Why did you have to be out in the road?! Oh no oh no oh no. / Philippe: Oh my gosh! / <> / [[A deer, bleeding from the mouth, lies in the rainy road. Its legs move, making scraping noises on the asphalt]] / <> / [[Same shot of the deer, with its legs moved]] / <> / [[Philippe gets sad, teary expression]] / Philippe, thought bubble: He's trying to get away... I guess I would too / <> / [[Philippe, crying, looks up with a startled expression]] / <> / [[A figure shown in silhouette points a handgun at the reader]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11242003
Achewood - November 24, 2004 [[iPod text: Sexxual Devyce AKA Tha Murky Patrolman]] / Philippe: Ray, can I have fifty cents for a Skor bar from the vending machine? / Ray: You shouldn't eat that stuff, Philippe. Candy bars are hell of hinge on the body. / Philippe: But you just ate one! I saw! / Philippe: You had a Three Musketeers and you were sticking peanuts into it! / Ray: Peanuts are health food. Everybody knows that. / Ray: Why you think Chinese people live so long. / Philippe: They do? / Ray: The oldest dude in the world is always Chinese. If I'm lyin' I'm dyin'! / Philippe: Chinese people are amazing. / Ray: Everything we invent, Chinese dudes did it like 900 years before. / Ray: Paper, clocks, glasses...Chinese. I ain't be at all surprised if there's some Ming vase out there with a picture of some emperor's cell phone goin' off in the movie theater. / {{Everyone is looking at the emperor and he is like shrinking down into his seat}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11242004
Achewood § November 24, 2009 He's awake again. It's your turn / KNOCK! :) KNOCK! :) KNOCK! ACHOO! / Dammit you know I get a nervous breakdown if I get up this early / FINE! I'LL watch Poop Group Hooligans with him again! YOU stay in bed! / It's called The Backyardigans and watch your temper or you'll teach him to act that way too / FUCK you! / Alright uh here's a trick me and my brother used to do / It's called Science Mouse / Oh boy! Radical! / With the fan on its back tape a cardboard collar around it and drop the mouse in / When you turn it on he floats like a skydiver! / Neat! But won't he get chilly? / Good point uh maybe we could tie him up in a sock first / Beef, I need to talk to you in the other room. Now. / Look ! They have bracelets that play Mozart whenever he falls down! / Also yeah and check it they got a thing that says Presidents if the kid gets home early before his parents / Two hundred and fifty bucks though dang / SIDNEY YAMAHATA KACW / The makers of Gypso-Lax Children's Night-time Inhibitive are now denying claims that substantial levels of cadmium in the product have killed over ten infants in the Detroit area alone! / I repeat: These children are dead! / Look! I'm making shadow puppets! / This is the bottom of a grocery bag! / SIDNEY YAMAHATA KACW / Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it isn't! Meet the SR:21-b maleovirus, which multiplies in faucets and causes irreversible kidney damage in children! / SR:21-G / This is a hospital where an eagle is getting born! / Are you watching? Watch! WAAATCH!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11242009
Achewood - November 25, 2002 [[Ray and Roast Beef. Roast Beef has his eyes shut.]] / Ray: Alright Beef, now open your eyes! / [[Roast Beef peeks.]] / [[Roast Beef startles.]] / [[A car.]] / Ray: It's a '65 Ford Galaxie, just like you always talkin' about! / Roast Beef: oh my god with the cammer 427 657 bhp banned in six states / Roast Beef: You so lucky Ray This is such a good car / Ray: Me?! This car's for you, Beef! / Roast Beef: oh my gosh You kiddin' me no way / Ray: Go on! Get in! / Roast Beef: no way... no... *way* / <> / [[Here is Roast Beef behind the wheel of his huge car.]] / Roast Beef: Oh man The car from *Peel-Out Summer*
http://achewood.com/?date=11252002
'65 Ford Galaxie [[Ray leads Roast Beef, whose eyes are closed, into a room]] / Ray: Alright Beef, now open your eyes! / [[Roast Beef opens one eye.]] / [[Roast Beef mouth hangs open in shock.]] / [[Beef and Ray are dwarfed by a large 2-door car]] / Ray: It's a '65 Ford Galaxie, just like you always talkin' about! / Roast Beef: oh my god / Roast Beef: with the cammer 427 / Roast Beef: 657 bhp / Roast Beef: banned in six states / [[Roast Beef puts his paws on the driver's window]] / Roast Beef: You so lucky Ray / Roast Beef: This is such a good car / Ray: Me?! This car's for you, Beef! / Roast Beef: oh my gosh You kiddin' me / Roast Beef: no way / Ray: Go on! Get in! / [[Beef gets in the driver's seat]] / Roast Beef: no way... no... / Roast Beef: way / * KLIK / [[Beef puts a paw on the steering wheel]] / Roast Beef: Oh man / Roast Beef: The car from Peel-Out Summer / {{alt text: Peel-Out Summer (US, 1981). Starring James Bolfiere, Carl Nolan and Timothy Shaw. A group of teenage friends spend their last summer together peeling out.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11252002
'65 Ford Galaxie [[Ray leads Roast Beef, whose eyes are closed.]] / Ray: Alright Beef, now open your eyes! / [[Roast Beef opens one eye.]] / [[Roast Beef starts in amazement.]] / [[Beef and Ray are in a garage, and dwarfed by a large 2-door car.]] / Ray: It's a '65 Ford Galaxie, just like you always talkin' about! / Roast Beef: oh my god / Roast Beef: with the cammer 427 / Roast Beef: 657 bhp / Roast Beef: banned in six states / [[Roast Beef puts his paws on the driver's window]] / Roast Beef: You so lucky Ray / Roast Beef: This is such a good car / Ray: Me?! This car's for you, Beef! / Roast Beef: oh my gosh You kiddin' me / Roast Beef: no way / Ray: Go on! Get in! / [[Beef gets in the driver's seat]] / Roast Beef: no way... no... / Roast Beef: way / [[Roast Beef opens the car door]] / <> / [[Beef puts a paw on the steering wheel]] / Roast Beef: Oh man / Roast Beef: The car from Peel-Out Summer / {{alt text: Peel-Out Summer (US, 1981). Starring James Bolfiere, Carl Nolan and Timothy Shaw. A group of teenage friends spend their last summer together peeling out.}} / {{Archive title: '65 Ford Galaxie}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11252002
 
Achewood - November 25, 2003 [[At night, a shadowy person with a gun stands in the rain.]] / [[Roast Beef pulls up in his Ford Galaxy]] / Roast Beef: What in the HELL / [[Ray in a parka is illuminated, holding a gun.]] / [[A deer's leg rests in a puddle of rainwater.]] / <> / [[Philippe in a bee suit looks down, sad.]] / [[Philippe stands over a dead deer in the road.]] / Roast Beef: Oh man if Tori Amos was here right now she would need so many hugs from me
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11252003
Tori Amos [[At night, a shadowy person with a gun stands in the rain.]] / [[Roast Beef pulls up in his Ford Galaxy]] / Roast Beef: What in the HELL / [[Ray in a parka is illuminated, holding a gun.]] / [[A deer's leg rests in a puddle of rainwater.]] / <> / [[Philippe in a bee suit looks down, sad.]] / [[Philippe stands over a dead deer in the road.]] / Roast Beef: Oh man if Tori Amos was here right now she would need so many hugs from me / {{alt-text: http://www.whitetails.com/anatomy.html}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11252003
Achewood - November 26, 2001 [[Téodor is wearing a headband and is standing in an athletic kind of position]] / Téodor: Come jogging in the backyard with me! / Cornelius: I can't. / Téodor: Why not? / Cornelius: This robe is my only outfit. / Téodor: Just jog in the buff! No one's gonna see. / Cornelius: Absolutely not! / Téodor: Come on, I'll do it too! / [[Téodor begins to remove his top, Cornelus looks away in frustration]] / Cornelius: No! / Cornelius: Stop that! / Téodor: <> / [[Téodor is now removing his pants, Lyle walks into the room and has a quizzical look on his face]] / [[Téodor raises both his arms in a manner befitting an outburst of some kind]] / Téodor: Come on, man! Let's do this! / [[Cornelius is now using his right hand as a shield to avoid looking at the now naked Téodor]] / Lyle: Not on the sofa, fellas.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11262001
Three's company [[Téodor is wearing a headband and is standing in an athletic kind of position. Cornelius sits on the sofa.]] / Téodor: Come jogging in the backyard with me! / Cornelius: I can't. / Téodor: Why not? / Cornelius: This robe is my only outfit. / Téodor: Just jog in the buff! No one's gonna see. / Cornelius: Absolutely not! / Téodor: Come on, I'll do it too. / Cornelius: No! / [[Téodor begins to remove his top, Cornelus looks away in frustration]] / Cornelius: Stop that! / Téodor: <> / [[Téodor is now removing his pants, Lyle walks into the room and has a quizzical look on his face]] / [[Téodor raises both his arms energetically.]] / Téodor: Come on, man! Let's do this! / [[Cornelius shields his eyes from the now naked Téodor with his right hand.]] / Lyle: Not on the sofa, fellas. / {{couch}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11262001
Achewood - November 26, 2001 [[Téodor is wearing a headband and is standing in an athletic kind of position. Cornelius is sitting on the couch.]] / Téodor: Come jogging in the backyard with me! / Cornelius: I can't. / Téodor: Why not? / Cornelius: This robe is my only outfit. / Téodor: Just jog in the buff! No one's gonna see. / Cornelius: Absolutely not! / Téodor: Come on, I'll do it too! / [[Téodor begins to remove his top, Cornelus looks away in frustration]] / Cornelius: No! / Cornelius: Stop that! / Téodor: <> / [[Téodor is now removing his pants, Lyle walks into the room and has a quizzical look on his face]] / [[Téodor raises both his arms in a manner befitting an outburst of some kind]] / Téodor: Come on, man! Let's do this! / [[Cornelius is now using his right hand as a shield to avoid looking at the now naked Téodor]] / Lyle: Not on the sofa, fellas.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11262001
Achewood - November 26, 2002 [[Ray and Roast Beef are in a car.]] / Roast Beef: What's that suitcase for Ray / Ray: We goin' on a road trip, Beef! / Roast Beef: That's ridiculous / Roast Beef: Ain't no way two cats can drive a dang car in public / Ray: Let's say some cops pull us over...we just make a break for it! Ain't no human can catch a cat! / Roast Beef: Well I guess that's true / Roast Beef: But what about the car it would be impounded / Ray: I just sold 34 million albums, Beef! We'll get another one! / Ray: This is the chance of a lifetime! / Roast Beef: I don't know Ray I could see this turnin' out pretty badly / Ray: Roast Beef, you could see a rainbow turnin' out badly! / Ray: Let's go see America! / [[Roast Beef stares at the steering wheel glumly.]] / [[Roast Beef frowns.]] / [[Roast Beef shakes in determination.]] / Roast Beef: I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE AMERICA BUT I'M COMIN' TO FIND YOU! / [[Ray raises his arms in triumph.]] / {{Alt text: WE GONNA GET US HELLA BROADS!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11262002
Achewood - November 26, 2002 [[Ray and Roast Beef are in a car.]] / Roast Beef: What's that suitcase for Ray / Ray: We goin' on a road trip, Beef! / Roast Beef: That's ridiculous / Roast Beef: Ain't no way two cats can drive a dang car in public / Ray: Let's say some cops pull us over...we just make a break for it! Ain't no human can catch a cat! / Roast Beef: Well I guess that's true / Roast Beef: But what about the car it would be impounded / Ray: I just sold 34 million albums, Beef! We'll get another one! / Ray: This is the chance of a lifetime! / Roast Beef: I don't know Ray I could see this turnin' out pretty badly / Ray: Roast Beef, you could see a rainbow turnin' out badly! / Ray: Let's go see America! / [[Roast Beef stares at the steering wheel glumly.]] / [[Roast Beef frowns.]] / [[Roast Beef shakes in determination.]] / Roast Beef: I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE AMERICA BUT I'M COMIN' TO FIND YOU! / [[Ray raises his arms in triumph.]] / {{Alt text: WE GONNA GET US HELLA BROADS!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11262002
Achewood - November 26, 2002 [[Ray and Roast Beef are in a car.]] / Roast Beef: What's that suitcase for Ray / Ray: We goin' on a road trip, Beef! / Roast Beef: That's ridiculous / Roast Beef: Ain't no way two cats can drive a dang car in public / Ray: Let's say some cops pull us over...we just make a break for it! Ain't no human can catch a cat! / Roast Beef: Well I guess that's true / Roast Beef: But what about the car it would be impounded / Ray: I just sold 34 million albums, Beef! We'll get another one! / Ray: This is the chance of a lifetime! / Roast Beef: I don't know Ray I could see this turnin' out pretty badly / Ray: Roast Beef, you could see a rainbow turnin' out badly! / Ray: Let's go see America! / [[Roast Beef stares at the steering wheel glumly.]] / [[Roast Beef frowns.]] / [[Roast Beef shakes in determination.]] / Roast Beef: I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE AMERICA BUT I'M COMIN' TO FIND YOU! / [[Ray raises his arms in triumph.]] / {{Alt text: WE GONNA GET US HELLA BROADS!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11262002
Achewood - November 26, 2004 [[In Ray's bathroom. Ray is peeing]] / Ray: Aw, man! I just peed all on the floor around the toilet bowl! / Ray: I tell you, I ain't nobody's picnic. / [[Dr. Andretti opens the bathroom door]] / <> / Dr. Andretti: Oh, I'm sorry Ray. The door was unlocked. / Ray: Oh, hey Doc Andretti! How's Cornelius doin'? / Dr. Andretti: He's critical but stable. He had a collapsed... did you just pee all over the floor in here? / Ray: No, man, it was already like this. Some guy with a mustache came runnin' outta here just before me. / Ray: He looked pretty embarrassed. / Dr. Andretti: A mustache? / Ray: Yeah, I think it was fake. There was an article about him in the newspaper. / Dr. Andretti: Newspaper? / Ray: Apparently he doesn't have good control, you know? So he wears a disguise and uses other peoples' bathrooms! / [[Ray reaches out his hand to Dr. Andretti]] / Ray: Here, Doc. Join me in a prayer for him. / [[Dr. Andretti writes on his clipboard]] / Dr. Andretti: I'm giving you a prescription for Zyrelax, Ray. It should help calm your piss shiver. / {{Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets of Zyrelax}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11262004
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11262008">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11262008 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
 
Achewood - November 27, 2001 Lie Bot: I'd like to take this time to introduce Achewood's new cast of characters! replacing last year's troupe will be: / Lie Bot: Albert the College-Educated Cat, / Albert: I'm a Usability Engineer! It is too a real job! / Lie Bot: Shortcakes the Leprechaun, / Shortcakes: I've only got the one arm, folks! Hee hee! / Shortcakes: Also, I know thirteen languages. / Lie Bot: And Steven, the waiter who was really strong but too nice to ever get ahead in life. / Steven: Moons Over My Hammy? That's a really good one!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11272001
Replacement Characters Lie Bot: I'd like to take this time to introduce Achewood's new cast of characters! Replacing last year's troupe will be: / [[Lie Bot wears bow tie; blank background]] / Lie Bot: Albert the College-Educated Cat, / Albert: I'm a Usability Engineer! It is too a real job! / Lie Bot: Shortcakes the Leprechaun, / Shortcakes: I've only got the one arm, folks! Hee hee! / Shortcakes: Also, I know thirteen languages. / Lie Bot: And Steven, the waiter who was really strong but too nice to ever get ahead in life. / Steven: Moons Over My Hammy? That's a really good one!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11272001
Achewood - November 27, 2001 Lie Bot: I'd like to take this time to introduce Achewood's new cast of characters! replacing last year's troupe will be: / Lie Bot: Albert the College-Educated Cat, / Albert: I'm a Usability Engineer! It is too a real job! / Lie Bot: Shortcakes the Leprechaun, / [[Shortcakes only has one arm.]] / Shortcakes: I've only got the one arm, folks! Hee hee! / Shortcakes: Also, I know thirteen languages. / Lie Bot: And Steven, the waiter who was really strong but too nice to ever get ahead in life. / Steven: Moons Over My Hammy? That's a really good one!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11272001
Achewood - November 27, 2002 [[Ray and Roast Beef are driving in a car.] Roast Beef is behind the wheel.] / Ray: We ain't gonna see much of America at one mile an hour, Beef! / Roast Beef: oh hee hee! / Roast Beef: I can't believe we really doin' this! / Ray: Speed up! / Roast Beef: Settle down now / Roast Beef: We just warmin' this old girl up / Roast Beef: Then we gonna... / Roast Beef: UN-LEASH! / [[The car accelerates.]] / <> / <> / <> / Roast Beef: Oh god dangit a cop / Roast Beef: We already arrested / Roast Beef: We already arrested Ray / Ray: You got 425 horsepower under that foot of yours! / Roast Beef: so?! / Ray: So stand on it, Agnes! / {{hover text: STAND ON IT, AGNES!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11272002
Achewood - November 27, 2002 [[The car is driving onto the road.]] / Ray: We ain't gonna see much of America at one mile an hour, Beef! / Roast Beef: oh hee hee! / Roast Beef: I can't believe we really doin' this! / [[Ray and Roast Beef in the car. Roast Beef is at the wheel.]] / Ray: Speed up! / Roast Beef: Settle down now / Roast Beef: We just warmin' this old girl up / [[Roast Beef scowls]] / Roast Beef: Then we gonna... / Roast Beef: UN-LEASH! / [[The car shoots forward.]] / <> / <> / <> / [[Roast Beef's eyes are screwed shut]] / Roast Beef: Oh god dangit a cop / Roast Beef: We already arrested Ray / Ray: You got 425 horsepower under that foot of yours! / Roast Beef: (emphasis) so?! / Ray: So stand on it, Agnes! / {{alt text: STAND ON IT, AGNES!}} / {Archive title: Stand on it Agnes}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11272002
Nice Pete's Sketchbook [[Teodor reads Nice Pete's sketchbook]] / Teodor: "Property of Peter H. Cropes." Wow! His personal sketchpad! / [[A view of Nice Pete staring at the reader]] / Teodor: A so-so human hand... you can tell he's been working at it a while... / <> / [[A page from the sketchbook showing a human hand]] / [[A page from the sketchbook showing a rag in a bucket of water]] / Teodor: A pretty decent bucket with a rag and water... / [[Teodor turns the page and looks shocked]] / <> / [[A page from the sketchbook showing a box labeled "This is the box where the children shall die"]] / {{alt text: Not that he will kill them, but they will die there.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11272006
Nice Pete's Sketchbook [[Teodor reads Nice Pete's sketchbook]] / Teodor: [thinking] "Property of Peter H. Cropes." Wow! His personal sketchpad! / [[A view of Nice Pete staring at the reader]] / Teodor: [thinking] A so-so human hand... you can tell he's been working at it a while... / <> / [[A page from the sketchbook showing a human hand]] / [[A page from the sketchbook showing a dripping rag in a bucket of water. The word "Bucket" has been begun and then rewritten lower down to the left to fit beside the sketch.]] / Teodor: [thinking] A pretty decent bucket with a rag and water... / [[Teodor turns the page and looks shocked]] / <> / [[A page from the sketchbook showing a cubic wooden box with rope handles and three holes visible on one side. The box has a sign attached to its front reading: "THIS IS THE BOX WHERE THE CHILDREN SHALL DIE". A note above reads '"2" or "3"', apparently referring to the air holes.]] / {{alt text: Not that he will kill them, but they will die there.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11272006
Nice Pete's Sketchbook [[Teodor reads Nice Pete's sketchbook]] / Teodor: "Property of Peter H. Cropes." Wow! His personal sketchpad! / [[A view of Nice Pete staring at the reader]] / Teodor: A so-so human hand... you can tell he's been working at it a while... / <> / [[A page from the sketchbook showing a human hand, with practice curves and fingertips sketched around it]] / [[A page from the sketchbook showing a rag in a bucket of water]] / Teodor: A pretty decent bucket with a rag and water... / [[Teodor turns the page and looks shocked]] / <> / [[A page from the sketchbook shows a sturdy wooden box labeled "This is the box where the children shall die." The box has three small holes in it.]] / {{alt text: Not that he will kill them, but they will die there.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11272006
Achewood § November 27, 2007 [[Roast Beef on phone]] / Roast Beef: Alright Ray well uh that's all good and great but how do you know when to avoid a bathroom if a lady has been in there a while / [[Ray, on phone with martini]] / Ray: Chick don't need you figurin' that out for her. She's ten steps ahead of you. Chicks are the chess of deucin'. Courtesy flushese, lipstick lighters, crap gaskets, digital canary-- / Roast Beef: Dand man what in hick is a crap gasket / Ray: That's when they caulk the gap between the bowl and the seat with wet TP to create a perfect seal. / Roast Beef (thinking): Man no wonder we always run outta that costly tissue so fast! / Roast Beef: Wow uh what in hell is a digital canary then is that such as bluetooth or some deal / Ray: Nah. She presses one nostril shut the whole time, then uses the fresh nostril to gauge things at the end. Like a pregnancy test. / Roast Beef: Man how come women don't rule the world / Ray: 'Cause they care how their shit smells. / {{Can you imagine Napoleon caring how his shit smelled? No. He went on to the next victory.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11272007
Kisses [[Téodor sits at computer; Lyle looks on.]] / Lyle: Let me watch your chat. I'll tell you if she likes you. / Téodor: You'll know for sure? / Lyle: Yeah. Go for it. / [[Téodor types]] / <> / Lyle: Hmm. She seems happy to see you again. / Téodor: Alright! / <> / <> / Lyle: A reference to something you said last time! / Téodor: That's pretty good, isn't it! / <> / Lyle: Yeah. Now tell her that you like long, deep kisses with the eyes wide open. Chicks love that. / Téodor: ...long, deep kisses... / <> / {{monitor, chat, IM}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11282001
 
Penny_in_a_fountain [[Téodor sits typing at computer; Lyle looks on]] / Téodor: Penny_in_a_fountain thinks we should meet! She says I'm "funny"! / <> / Lyle: Where does she live? / Téodor: Las Vegas. / <> / Lyle: Vegas? / Téodor: There's that old car in the garage. What do you say? / Lyle: I've got Vivarin and a pistol! Let's go! / [[Lyle pumps fists]] / Téodor: I'll tell her we're on our way. / <> / Caption: CONTINUED
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292001
Llewellyn Ash, baby [[Philippe is holding a doll.]] / Philippe: Oh boy! My mom sent me an I Am Capable Of Wonderful Things doll! / Doll: Hello. I am a small baby. My name is Llewellyn Ash. How do you do. / I am small, in this big, big world. I can't take care of myself yet, so I need people like you. Thank you. Please wiggle each of my feet. / Philippe: You're welcome! / Doll: What activities do you enjoy? As I am a baby, I ask that you simply wave your finger gaily before my eyes. / Remember, you used to be just like me. / Doll: This is fantastic. Remember, no solid foods. I cannot eat a carrot for several years. Write that down and read it back to me. / Philippe: Ahem. Baby Llewellyn cannot eat a carrot for several years. / Doll: Do you want to dress me as a duck, or perhaps a tiny jester. People would enjoy seeing that. It's your call. Such costumes are inexpensive. / Press my stomach to indicate that you have listened this far and understood the things I have said. / <> / Doll: Superb. Please place my pacifier in my mouth for three seconds. It is orange-flavored. This calms me. / Philippe: One...two...three... / <> / Doll: Marvelous. I trust you will want to change my diaper and wave it under my nose now. My bowels can produce nothing more substantial than a thin, coffee-like substance at this point, so the experience should not be too degrading for either of us. / Philippe: Is this okay? / Doll: My sensory calibration is complete. I am Llewellyn Ash, and I am your baby. / {{Alt text: Llewellyn Ash knows that You are capable of Wonderful Things}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292004
Llewellyn Ash, baby [[Philippe is holding a doll.]] / Philippe: Oh boy! My mom sent me an I Am Capable Of Wonderful Things doll! / [[Doll is lying on a changing table with Philippe standing over it, wiggling its foot.]] / Doll: Hello. I am a small baby. My name is Llewellyn Ash. How do you do. / I am small, in this big, big world. I can't take care of myself yet, so I need people like you. Thank you. Please wiggle each of my feet. / Philippe: You're welcome! / [[Philippe waves his finger before the doll's eyes]] / Doll: What activities do you enjoy? As I am a baby, I ask that you simply wave your finger gaily before my eyes. / Remember, you used to be just like me. / Doll: This is fantastic. Remember, no solid foods. I cannot eat a carrot for several years. Write that down and read it back to me. / Philippe: Ahem. Baby Llewellyn cannot eat a carrot for several years. / [[Philippe presses the doll's stomach]] / Doll: Do you want to dress me as a duck, or perhaps a tiny jester? People would enjoy seeing that. It's your call. Such costumes are inexpensive. / Press my stomach to indicate that you have listened this far and understood the things I have said. / <> / [[Philippe places pacifier in the doll's mouth]] / Doll: Superb. Please place my pacifier in my mouth for three seconds. It is orange-flavored. This calms me. / Philippe: One...two...three... / <> / [[Philippe waves a diaper under the doll's nose]] / Doll: Marvelous. I trust you will want to change my diaper and wave it under my nose now. My bowels can produce nothing more substantial than a thin, coffee-like substance at this point, so the experience should not be too degrading for either of us. / Philippe: Is this okay? / Doll: My sensory calibration is complete. I am Llewellyn Ash, and I am your baby. / {{Alt text: Llewellyn Ash knows that You are capable of Wonderful Things}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292004
Achewood - November 29, 2005 The Todd Creation Myth / [[A stork carrying a bundle flaps its wings]] / Stork: ACHOO! / Stork: Aw, fuck! My burrito! / Stork: Crap! I paid like six bucks for that! / [[A Volcano]] / [[The bundle falls toward the mouth of the volcano.]] / <> / <> / Narrator: One hundred minutes later / [[A squirrel's head emerges from the mouth of the volcano.]] / Todd: Who am I? / Todd: WHOOOOO AMMMMM I? / Stork: Hey! You're the asshole who ate my burrito! / Todd: I am? / Stork: Yeah! Y'are! You're the real thing, jerkwad! / Todd: I'm an asshole and a jerkwad! Well, then! That 'splains it! / <> / [[Todd kills the stork by breaking his neck]] / [[Todd stands over the corpse of the dead stork]] / [[The stork begins to transform.]] / [[The stork continues to transform.]] / [[The stork has become a 1970s van with teardrop window.]] / Todd: Whoah, sweet! / [[Todd Drives away]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292005
Achewood - November 29, 2005 The Todd Creation Myth / [[A stork carrying a bundle flaps its wings]] / Stork: ACHOO! / Stork: Aw, fuck! My burrito! / Stork: Crap! I paid like six bucks for that! / [[A Volcano]] / [[The bundle falls toward the mouth of the volcano.]] / <> / <> / Narrator: One hundred minutes later / [[A squirrel's head emerges from the mouth of the volcano.]] / Todd: Who am I? / Todd: WHOOOOO AMMMMM I? / Stork: Hey! You're the asshole who ate my burrito! / Todd: I am? / Stork: Yeah! Y'are! You're the real thing, jerkwad! / Todd: I'm an asshole and a jerkwad! Well, then! That 'splains it! / <> / [[Todd kills the stork by breaking his neck]] / [[Todd stands over the corpse of the dead stork]] / [[The stork begins to transform.]] / [[The stork continues to transform.]] / [[The stork has become a 1970s van with teardrop window.]] / Todd: Whoah, sweet! / [[Todd Drives away]] / {{Alt text: The stutter creation myth comes at a separate historical time.}} / {{Alt-alt text: Killin' stork bought this van}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292005
Ray's Stupid Cell Phone Conversation [[Ray's Escalade on the road, it's night]] / Ray [on phone]: Yeah, man! The fruit salad was hella raunchy! That fruit was ooooold. But that Captain's salami tray was tight, yo. You plump for the roast pork loin, dogg? Oh, proclaim on that pork loin! / [[Pat is revealed to be in the passenger seat next to Ray, don't forget he's got that "gay" look now, with the sweater and all]] / Pat: If you're going to have a stupid conversation, at least do it when you're not driving! / [[Ray puts phone to shoulder and puts on his serious face]] / Ray: Don't distract me, Pat. Accidents. Crashes. A family is changed forever. / Ray: Sorry Kev. Yo, you try any of the club eggnog? Man, that action was a coma with nutmeg on top. I pour one out for the stick of butter that gave its life to be that eggnog. / Pat: Eggnog isn't made with butter. It's made with heavy cream. Which is still better for you than driving on the phone. / [[Ray puts the phone to his shoulder again, with angry face]] / Ray: Pat! What I tell you! Crashes! Wrecks! A child's pink Converse on the pavement...Is there a foot inside? The police walk up the mother's driveway! I'm serious! / [[Ray is back on the phone, Pat's got a sad face on]] / Ray: Sorry Kev. Oh! Oh! That bubble-butt bartender! Talk about dumb! Heh--hey, don't get me wrong, I looooove dumb, but that was like "stick two wires in her and she can power a clock" dumb. I mean, you ever seen a bartender thinks Heineken is wine?! / {{Alt text: This is every overheard cell phone conversation ever}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292006
Ray's Stupid Cell Phone Conversation [[Ray's Escalade on the road Underground]] / Ray: Yeah, man! The fruit salad was hella raunchy! That fruit was ooooold. But that Captain's salami tray was tight, yo. You plump for the roast pork loin, dogg? Oh, proclaim on that pork loin! / [[Ray and Pat in the Escalade]] / Pat: If you're going to have a stupid conversation, at least do it when you're not driving! / Ray: Don't distract me, Pat. Accidents. Crashes. A family is changed forever. / Ray: Sorry Kev. Yo, you try any of the club eggnog? Man, that action was a coma with nutmeg on top. I pour one out for the stick of butter that gave its life to be that eggnog. / Pat: Eggnog isn't made with butter. It's made with heavy cream. Which is still better for you than driving on the phone. / Ray: Pat! What I tell you! Crashes! Wrecks! A child's pink Converse on the pavement...is there a foot inside? The police walk up the mother's driveway! I'm serious! / [[Pat looks sad]] / Ray: Sorry Kev. Oh! Oh! That bubble-butt bartender! Talk about dumb! Heh-hey, don't get me wrong, I looooove dumb, but that was like "stick two wires in her and she can power a clock" dumb. I mean, you ever seen a bartender thinks Heineken is wine?! / {{alt-text: This is every overheard cell phone conversation ever}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292006
Ray's Stupid Cell Phone Conversation [[Ray's Escalade on the road, it's night]] / Ray [on phone]: Yeah, man! The fruit salad was hella raunchy! That fruit was ooooold. But that Captain's salami tray was tight, yo. You plump for the roast pork loin, dogg? Oh, proclaim on that pork loin! / [[Pat is revealed to be in the passenger seat next to Ray, don't forget he's got that "gay" look now, with the sweater and all]] / Pat: If you're going to have a stupid conversation, at least do it when you're not driving! / [[Ray puts phone to shoulder and puts on his serious face]] / Ray: Don't distract me, Pat. Accidents. Crashes. A family is changed forever. / Ray: Sorry Kev. Yo, you try any of the club eggnog? Man, that action was a coma with nutmeg on top. I pour one out for the stick of butter that gave its life to be that eggnog. / Pat: Eggnog isn't made with butter. It's made with heavy cream. Which is still better for you than driving on the phone. / [[Ray puts the phone to his shoulder again, with angry face, Pat looking indignant]] / Ray: Pat! What I tell you! Crashes! Wrecks! A child's pink Converse on the pavement...Is there a foot inside? The police walk up the mother's driveway! I'm serious! / [[Ray is back on the phone, Pat looks a little shocked/horrified]] / Ray: Sorry Kev. Oh! Oh! That bubble-butt bartender! Talk about dumb! Heh—hey, don't get me wrong, I looooove dumb, but that was like "stick two wires in her and she can power a clock" dumb. I mean, you ever seen a bartender thinks Heineken is wine?! / {{Alt text: This is every overheard cell phone conversation ever}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292006
Ray's Stupid Cell Phone Conversation [[Ray's Escalade on the road, it's night]] / Ray [on phone]: Yeah, man! The fruit salad was hella raunchy! That fruit was ooooold. But that Captain's salami tray was tight, yo. You plump for the roast pork loin, dogg? Oh, proclaim on that pork loin! / [[Pat is revealed to be in the passenger seat next to Ray, don't forget he's got that "gay" look now, with the sweater and all]] / Pat: If you're going to have a stupid conversation, at least do it when you're not driving! / [[Ray puts phone to shoulder and puts on his serious face]] / Ray: Don't distract me, Pat. Accidents. Crashes. A family is changed forever. / Ray: Sorry Kev. Yo, you try any of the club eggnog? Man, that action was a coma with nutmeg on top. I pour one out for the stick of butter that gave its life to be that eggnog. / Pat: Eggnog isn't made with butter. It's made with heavy cream. Which is still better for you than driving on the phone. / [[Ray puts the phone to his shoulder again, with angry face]] / Ray: Pat! What I tell you! Crashes! Wrecks! A child's pink Converse on the pavement...Is there a foot inside? The police walk up the mother's driveway! I'm serious! / [[Ray is back on the phone, Pat's got a sad face on]] / Ray: Sorry Kev. Oh! Oh! That bubble-butt bartender! Talk about dumb! Heh--hey, don't get me wrong, I looooove dumb, but that was like "stick two wires in her and she can power a clock" dumb. I mean, you ever seen a bartender thinks Heineken is fag?! / {{Alt text: This is every overheard cell phone conversation ever}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292006
Achewood - November 29, 2007 - Lyle's Dildo [[Téodor and Lyle, interior]] / Téodor: Lyle, I...Jesus, dude! Don't have a dildo in the house! / Lyle (looking over his shoulder): Aw, c'mon! Lay off! / Téodor: What do you even need that for, anyway? / Lyle (facing T): What's it matter? I got it, I have it! I can have anything. / Téodor: It'll cause problems. It'll get left on a counter or near the yard. / Lyle (eyebrows indicate he is less aggressive): It's neat! You never really see one 'a these. Just tryin' to keep my mind alive, you know? / Téodor (arching his eyebrow): You found it and you can't part with it because you're a sucker for anything with a motor. / Lyle: I could hold it against a cappuccino! It might vibrate the cream decoration into a shape people like! You know how some guys can draw a leaf with a toothpick? / Téodor: No one's going to like anything you do to their coffee with a dildo. / Lyle (poking at Téodor so hard, his dildo shakes): Maybe I'll open a coffee shop for perverts! It takes all kinds, pal! / [[On a lawn somewhere. Text at top of panel reads "SOON." Lyle, wearing a paper hat, mans a coffee cart, complete with pastry display case and large tank (presumably of coffee). The sign on top reads "THE PERKY PERVERT: JAVA FOR FREAKS." A handmade sign taped below the counter reads "DILDO IT! $1." / {{alt-text: You never really see a dildo, you know?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292007
 
Starting the old car [[Téodor, Lie Bot, Cornelius, and Lyle are visible sitting in car; Téodor at wheel.]] / Téodor: Alright, you're supposed to lock the doors. Did you lock the doors? / Cornelius: Yup. / Lie Bot: Yes? / Lyle: Yo. / Téodor: Hmm... doors locked, still not starting. Philippe, are you pressing the pedals? / [[Philiippe speaks from under wheel]] / Philippe: Yes! Yes! / Lyle: Why do you suck so much at getting us anywhere? / Téodor: Dammit! Philippe, are you pressing all of them? / Philippe: I promise!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302001
Achewood - November 30, 2004 [[Roast Beef examines the Taco Bell menu]] / Roast Beef: I wonder how much sodium a 7-layer burrito has versus a plain bean burrito. Maybe I should just get the Mexican Rice. No no that probably has tons of sodium. / Molly: May I take your order? / Roast Beef: Uh yeah does Diet Coke have very much sodium / Molly: Not very much, sir. / Roast Beef: Ok good um what is your least-sodium food item / Molly: The Roast Beef / Roast Beef: Man what / [[Roast Beef notices that it is Molly who is taking his order. He looks shocked]] / Molly: Hey, you! How have you been? / Roast Beef: Oh my god I can't buy a burrito from someone who has done oral on me / / {{title text: Roast Beef's hang-up is actually a fantasy for many men}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302004
Achewood - November 30, 2004 [[Taco Bell sign]] / [[Roast Beef examines the Taco Bell menu]] / Roast Beef: I wonder how much sodium a 7-layer burrito has versus a plain bean burrito / Maybe I should just get the Mexican Rice / No no that probably has tons of sodium / Cashier(Molly): May I take your order? / Roast Beef: Uh yeah does Diet Coke have very much sodium / Molly: Not very much, sir. / Roast Beef: Ok good um what is your least-sodium food item / Molly: The Roast Beef. / Roast Beef: Man what / [[Roast Beef notices that it is Molly who is taking his order. He looks shocked]] / Molly(Cashier): Hey, you! How have you been? / Roast Beef: Oh my god I can't buy a burrito from someone who has done oral on me / / {{title text: Roast Beef's hang-up is actually a fantasy for many men}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302004
Achewood - November 30, 2004 [[Roast Beef examines the Taco Bell menu]] / Roast Beef (thinking): I wonder how much sodium a 7-layer burrito has versus a plain bean burrito. Maybe I should just get the Mexican Rice. No no that probably has tons of sodium. / Molly: May I take your order? / Roast Beef: Uh yeah does Diet Coke have very much sodium / Molly: Not very much, sir. / Roast Beef: Ok good um what is your least-sodium food item / Molly: The Roast Beef / Roast Beef (thinking): Man what / [[Roast Beef notices that it is Molly who is taking his order. He looks shocked]] / Molly: Hey, you! How have you been? / Roast Beef (thinking): Oh my god I can't buy a burrito from someone who has done oral on me / / {{title text: Roast Beef's hang-up is actually a fantasy for many men}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302004
Achewood - November 30, 2005 Pat: Thank you for agreeing to evaluate my new eco-friendly, gluten-free CheatLof. / [[Ray looks skeptically at his plate.]] / Pat: Take a bite, chew it carefully, and notice what I've done. / [[Pat writes on a clipboard]] / <> / Pat: Well? / Ray: What's IN it, dude? / Pat: Decreased protobellow, frost pepper, and ground gukewurst. Just eat it, already!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302005
CheatLoaf Pat: Thank you for agreeing to evaluate my new eco-friendly, gluten-free CheatLoaf. [[Ray looks skeptical, and Roast Beef looks at his plate with suspicion, perhaps alarm.]] / [[Ray looks down at the thing on his plate]] / Pat: Take a bite, chew it carefully, and notice what I've done. / [[Pat writes on a clipboard as he says this]] <> / [[Pat continues to write on the clipboard]] <> / [[Pat looks at them]] / Pat: Well? / [[Ray looks anguished]] / Ray: What's IN it, dude? / Pat: Decreased portobello, frost pepper, and ground cukewurst. Just eat it, already! / [[Ray and Roast Beef dig in. Ray looks as if he bit into something hard, and Roast Beef looks VERY distressed]] / Pat: OK, then! What's the verdict, Amigos? / Ray [[chewing; contemplative]]: What's that thing at the end of the large intestine? Because that's exactly what you've done here. / Roast Beef: Seriously man Carolus Linnaeus would classify this as Shitty / {{alt-text: why did we have to drag carolus linnaeus into this people}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302005
Molly's Tiffany Slut Gift [[Roast Beef sits in a recliner, looking despondent]] / Roast Beef: Dogg I just ain't know what to get Molly for Christmas this year / [[Ray is sitting on a matching recliner beside Roast Beef]] / Ray: Simple, dude. Get her some silver thing from Tiffany. That blue box is all you need, dogg. / Roast Beef: Oh man ain't that stuff like a thousand clams / Ray: Naw, man. You can get knockoff Tiffany from any Senegalese for a thin ten. You always see sluts wearin' that heart necklace at bad grocery stores, all with their fake Vuitton bag and two babies. / Roast Beef: Oh like they get a fake nice thing and then nine months later it's all "well I guess if we pull out this dresser drawer that can be a crib" / Ray: Hoochie mama wanna-bling always matches the baby count, dogg. Street thinkers call it Tight Math. / {{alt text: Achewood is against hoochie mamas.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302006
Molly's Tiffany Slut Gift [[Roast Beef sits in a recliner, looking despondent]] / Roast Beef: Dogg I just ain't know what to get Molly for Christmas this year / [[Ray is sitting on a matching recliner beside Roast Beef]] / Ray: Simple, dude. Get her some silver thing from Tiffany. That blue box is all you need, dogg. / [[Roast Beef looks down]] / Roast Beef: Oh man ain't that stuff like a thousand clams / [[Ray raises an arm and waves it at Roast Beef a little as Beef looks at him]] / Ray: Naw, man. You can get knockoff Tiffany from any Senegalese for a thin ten. You always see sluts wearin' that heart necklace at bad grocery stores, all with their fake Vuitton bag and two babies. / [[Roast Beef looks miffed to hear what Ray said]] / Roast Beef: Oh like they get a fake nice thing and then nine months later it's all "well I guess if we pull out this dresser drawer that can be a crib" / [[Beef looks at Ray again]] / Ray: Hoochie mama wanna-bling always matches the baby count, dogg. Street thinkers call it Tight Math. / {{alt text: Achewood is against hoochie mamas.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302006
Molly's Tiffany Slut Gift [[Roast Beef sits in a recliner, looking despondent]] / Roast Beef: Dogg I just ain't know what to get Molly for Christmas this year / [[Ray is sitting beside Roast Beef on a matching recliner]] / Ray: Simple, dude. Get her some silver thing from Tiffany. That blue box is all you need, dogg. / Roast Beef: Oh man ain't that stuff like a thousand clams / Ray: Naw, man. You can get knockoff Tiffany from any Senegalese for a thin ten. You always see sluts wearin' that heart necklace at bad grocery stores, all with their fake Vuitton bag and two babies. / Roast Beef: Oh like they get a fake nice thing and then nine months later it's all "well I guess if we pull out this dresser drawer that can be a crib" / Ray: Hoochie mama wanna-bling always matches the baby count, dogg. Street thinkers call it Tight Math. / {{alt text: Achewood is against hoochie mamas.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302006
Molly's Tiffany Slut Gift [[Roast Beef sits in a recliner, looking despondent]] / Roast Beef: Dogg I just ain't know what to get Molly for Christmas this year / [[Panel zooms out to reveal Ray is sitting on a matching recliner next to Roast Beef]] / Ray: Simple, dude. Get her some silver thing from Tiffany. That blue box is all you need, dogg. / [[Panel zooms back in on Roast Beef looking despondent again]] / Roast Beef: Oh man ain't that stuff like a thousand clams / [[Wide shot of both Ray and Roast Beef. Ray swipes his hand in the air in a gesture that seems to sweep Roast Beef's arguments away from the conversation because they are irrelevant, as if to say "ain't no thang]] / Ray: Naw, man. You can get knockoff Tiffany from any Senegalese for a thin ten. You always see sluts wearin' that heart necklace at bad grocery stores, all with their fake Vuitton bag and two babies. / Roast Beef: Oh like they get a fake nice thing and then nine months later it's all "well I guess if we pull out this dresser drawer that can be a crib" / Ray: Hoochie mama wanna-bling always matches the baby count, dogg. Street thinkers call it Tight Math. / {{alt text: Achewood is against hoochie mamas.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302006
Achewood - November 30, 2007 [[No dialogue. Lyle, wearing a paper server's hat, is working a coffee cart called the Perky Pervert: Java for Freaks (according to the sign). There is a case for pastries of indistinct nature, and a hand lettered sign on the front offers to "Dildo it!" for $1.]] / [[No dialogue. An anthropomorphic tabby cat with small pac-man eyes and his arms folded infront of a developed chest and six pack abs, wearing shorts with commas for pockets, is approaching.]] / [[Panel 3: Lyle and the newcomer are talking.] / LYLE: Gar-motherfuckin'-field! Man, I'll never get used to seein' you outta makeup. / GARFIELD: Hey. You guys do a cappuccino? / [[Lyle setting to work]] / LYLE: Yeah, man. We do a mean one. Dildo it for you? Only a buck. / [[Garfield, arms still folded, looks somewhat tense. Lyle continues working]] / GARFIELD: Nah. Can't. / LYLE: No worries. Union? / GARFIELD: Exaactly. / [[Garfield's hands hold a pair of oval cartoon eyes, the pupils slightly to the right from our perspective]] / GARFIELD: Listen, I don't have any moolah on me. Want a pair of strip eyes? / LYLE: Sure, alright. / [[Garfield, still pensive, holds the strip eyes. Lyle has placed a paper to-go cup with a hot-top on it on the counter. A PP logo for "Perky Pervert" is visible on the cup.]] / GARFIELD: I was looking left in this panel. When you face them, they look like they're looking right, but when you wear them, you're looking left. / {{Alt-Text: If Garfield has his coffee dildoed, he'll never Garfield in this town again. Also, he is so rich that his pockets are made of commas.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11302007
 
Achewood - December 1, 2003 [[Teodor is standing looking at a clipboard and Ray is standing, wearing a towel around his waist and drying off his head with another towel]] / Teodor: Alright, Ray. It looks like you get the next storyline. / Ray: Lay it on me! / Teodor: ahem / Teodor: "Ray reads Fast Food Nation and decides to become a vegan." / [[Ray wraps the towel around his neck]] / Ray: Whoah, I call bullshit on that one. / Teodor: Hold your horses, there's more to it. / Teodor: "He eats so many Tofutti-Cuties that he dies of ice cream headache." / Ray: Huh! You know, I always wanted to act out a big old dramatic death scene. / Teodor: Maybe you're finally going to go to hell for selling your soul to the devil for that magical piano! / Ray: Heh! What ever happened with that, anyway? / Teodor: Nothin. It's been over a year and that storyline never saw closure. / Ray: Well shit, man! Let's wrap that sucker up! Where those Tofutti-Cuties at? / [[Ray, with backpack and feathered hat, in hell next to a car and a man holding a clipboard]] / Caption: SOON / Man: Welcome to Hell, Mr. Smuckles. Here's your 1982 Subaru Brat. / {{alt text: It has the rear-facing seats in the bed STOCK}}
http://achewood.com/?date=12012003
Achewood - December 1, 2003 [[Téodor is holding a clipboard, Ray dries himself off with a towel]] / Téodor: Alright, Ray. It looks like you get the next storyline. / Ray: Lay it on me! / Téodor: ahem / Téodor: "Ray reads Fast Food Nation and decides to become a Vegan." / Ray: Whoah. I call bullshit on that one. / Téodor: Hold your horses, there's more to it. / Téodor: "He eats so many Tofutti-Cuties that he dies of ice cream headache." / Ray: Huh! You know, I always wanted to act out a big old dramatic death scene. / Téodor: Maybe you're finally going to hell for selling your soul to the devil for that magical piano! / Ray: Heh! Whatever happened with that, anyway? / Téodor: Nothing. It's been over a year and that storyline never saw closure. / Ray: Well shit, man! Let's wrap that sucker up! Where those Tofutti-Cuties at? / SOON / [[Ray is wearing hiking gear. A man with horns and a clipboard stands opposite him,with a car between them]] / Hell Employee: Welcome to Hell, Mr. Smuckles. Here's your 1982 Subaru Brat.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012003
Hell's Car: Subaru Brat [[Téodor is holding a clipboard, Ray dries himself off with a towel]] / Téodor: Alright, Ray. It looks like you get the next storyline. / Ray: Lay it on me! / Téodor: ahem / Téodor: "Ray reads Fast Food Nation and decides to become a Vegan." / Ray: Whoah. I call bullshit on that one. / Téodor: Hold your horses, there's more to it. / Téodor: "He eats so many Tofutti-Cuties that he dies of ice cream headache." / Ray: Huh! You know, I always wanted to act out a big old dramatic death scene. / Téodor: Maybe you're finally going to hell for selling your soul to the devil for that magical piano! / Ray: Heh! Whatever happened with that, anyway? / Téodor: Nothing. It's been over a year and that storyline never saw closure. / Ray: Well shit, man! Let's wrap that sucker up! Where those Tofutti-Cuties at? / SOON / [[Ray is wearing hiking gear. A man with horns and a clipboard stands opposite him,with a car between them]] / Hell Employee: Welcome to Hell, Mr. Smuckles. Here's your 1982 Subaru Brat. / {{alt-text: It has the rear-facing seats in the bed STOCK}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012003
Achewood - December 1, 2003 [[Téodor is holding a clipboard, Ray dries himself off with a towel]] / Téodor: Alright, Ray. It looks like you get the next storyline. / Ray: Lay it on me! / Téodor: ahem / Téodor: "Ray reads Fast Food Nation and decides to become a Vegan." / Ray: Whoah. I call bullshit on that one. / Téodor: Hold your horses, there's more to it. / Téodor: "He eats so many Tofutti-Cuties that he dies of ice cream headache." / Ray: Huh! You know, I always wanted to act out a big old dramatic death scene. / Téodor: Maybe you're finally going to hell for selling your soul to the devil for that magical piano! / Ray: Heh! Whatever happened with that, anyway? / Téodor: Nothing. It's been over a year and that storyline never saw closure. / Ray: Well shit, man! Let's wrap that sucker up! Where those Tofutti-Cuties at? / SOON / [[Ray is wearing hiking gear. A man with horns and a clipboard stands opposite him,with a car between them]] / Hell Employee: Welcome to Hell, Mr. Smuckles. Here's your 1982 Subaru Brat. / {{It has the rear-facing seats in the bed STOCK}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012003
Lyle, Pornography, Rent [[Lyle sits at computer]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle, can you stop looking at that pornographic image for a second? I need to talk to you about rent. / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Teodor: Lyle? Come on. Just for a second. / [[Lyle turns his head]] / Lyle: One! / [[Lyle returns to staring at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle! / Onstad: LYLE! / [[Lyle holds his hands up next to his eyes, as if trying to see the monitor better]] / [[Onstadyells from upstairs]] / Onstad: DON'T PICK UP THAT TOWEL. / <> / [[Lyle grunts and digs for something under table]] / [[Lyle drapes towel over head and monitor]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs, loudest yet]] / Teodor: LYLE! / {{alt text: Lyle absolutely loves pornography.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012006
Lyle, Pornography, Rent [[Lyle sits at computer]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle, can you stop looking at that pornographic image for a second? I need to talk to you about rent. / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle? Come on. Just for a second. / [[Lyle turns his head and yells]] / Lyle: One! / [[Lyle returns to staring at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle! / Onstad: LYLE! / [[Lyle holds his hands up next to his eyes, focusing the monitor to the exclusion of the outside world]] / [[Onstadyells from upstairs]] / Onstad: DON'T PICK UP THAT TOWEL. / <> / [[Lyle grunts and digs for something under table]] / [[Lyle drapes the towel over his head and the monitor]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs, loudest yet]] / Onstad: LYLE! / {{alt text: Lyle absolutely loves pornography.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012006
Lyle, Pornography, Rent [[Lyle sits at computer]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle, can you stop looking at that pornographic image for a second? I need to talk to you about rent. / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Teodor: Lyle? Come on. Just for a second. / [[Lyle turns his head]] / Lyle: One! / [[Lyle returns to staring at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle! / Onstad: LYLE! / [[Lyle holds his hands up next to his eyes, as if trying to see the monitor better]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: DON'T PICK UP THAT TOWEL. / <> / [[Lyle grunts and digs for something under table]] / [[Lyle drapes towel over head and monitor]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs, loudest yet]] / Teodor: LYLE! / {{alt text: Lyle absolutely loves pornography.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012006
Lyle, Pornography, Rent [[Lyle sits at computer]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle, can you stop looking at that pornographic image for a second? I need to talk to you about rent. / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Teodor: Lyle? Come on. Just for a second. / [[Lyle turns his head]] / Lyle: One! / [[Lyle returns to staring at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle! / Onstad: LYLE! / [[Lyle holds his hands up next to his eyes, as if trying to see the monitor better]] / [[Onstadyells from upstairs]] / Onstad: DON'T PICK UP THAT TOWEL. / <> / [[Lyle grunts and digs for something under table]] / [[Lyle drapes towel over head and monitor]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs, loudest yet]] / Onstad: LYLE! / {{alt text: Lyle absolutely loves pornography.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012006
Lyle, Pornography, Rent [[Lyle sits at computer]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle, can you stop looking at that pornographic image for a second? I need to talk to you about rent. / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle? Come on. Just for a second. / [[Lyle turns his head]] / Lyle: One! / [[Lyle returns to staring at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle! / Onstad: LYLE! / [[Lyle holds his hands up next to his eyes, as if trying to see the monitor better]] / [[Onstadyells from upstairs]] / Onstad: DON'T PICK UP THAT TOWEL. / <> / [[Lyle grunts and digs for something under table]] / [[Lyle drapes towel over head and monitor]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs, loudest yet]] / Onstad: LYLE! / {{alt text: Lyle absolutely loves pornography.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012006
Lyle, Pornography, Rent [[Lyle sits at computer]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle, can you stop looking at that pornographic image for a second? I need to talk to you about rent. / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle? Come on. Just for a second. / [[Lyle turns his head]] / Lyle: One! / [[Lyle returns to staring at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle! / Onstad: LYLE! / [[Lyle holds his hands up next to his eyes, as if trying to block any image of the outside world]] / [[Onstadyells from upstairs]] / Onstad: DON'T PICK UP THAT TOWEL. / <> / [[Lyle grunts and digs for something under table]] / [[Lyle drapes towel over head and monitor]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs, loudest yet]] / Onstad: LYLE! / {{alt text: Lyle absolutely loves pornography.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012006
Lyle, Pornography, Rent [[Lyle sits at computer]] / [[Someone, either Onstad or Téodor, most likely the latter, calls from offscreen]] / Téodor: Lyle, can you stop looking at that pornographic image for a second? I need to talk to you about rent. / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Téodor calls from offscreen]] / Téodor: Lyle? Come on. Just for a second. / [[Lyle turns his head in Téodor's direction]] / Lyle: One! / [[Lyle returns to staring at image]] / [[Téodor yells from offscreen]] / Téodor: Lyle! / Téodor: LYLE! / [[Lyle holds his hands up next to his eyes, limiting his field of vision to the monitor]] / [[Lyle reaches down for something on the floor. Téodor yells from offscreen]] / Téodor: DON'T PICK UP THAT TOWEL. / <> / [[Lyle drapes towel over head and monitor]] / [[Téodor yells from upstairs, loudest yet]] / Téodor: LYLE! / {{alt text: Lyle absolutely loves pornography.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012006
Lyle, Pornography, Rent [[Lyle sits at computer]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle, can you stop looking at that pornographic image for a second? I need to talk to you about rent. / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Teodor: Lyle? Come on. Just for one second. / [[Lyle turns his head]] / Lyle: One! / [[Lyle returns to staring at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle! / Onstad: LYLE! / [[Lyle holds his hands up next to his eyes, as if trying to see the monitor better]] / [[Onstadyells from upstairs]] / Onstad: DON'T PICK UP THAT TOWEL. / <> / [[Lyle grunts and digs for something under table]] / [[Lyle drapes towel over head and monitor]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs, loudest yet]] / Teodor: LYLE! / {{alt text: Lyle absolutely loves pornography.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012006
Lyle, Pornography, Rent [[Lyle sits at computer]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle, can you stop looking at that pornographic image for a second? I need to talk to you about rent. / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle? Come on. Just for a second. / [[Lyle turns his head]] / Lyle: One! / [[Lyle returns to staring at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle! / Onstad: LYLE! / [[Lyle holds his hands up next to his eyes, as if trying to see the monitor better]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: DON'T PICK UP THAT TOWEL. / <> / [[Lyle grunts and digs for something under table]] / [[Lyle drapes towel over head and monitor]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs, loudest yet]] / Onstad: LYLE! / {{alt text: Lyle absolutely loves pornography.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012006
Lyle, Pornography, Rent [[Lyle sits at computer, wearing a backwards baseball cap]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle, can you stop looking at that pornographic image for a second? I need to talk to you about rent. / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Lyle continues to stare at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Teodor: Lyle? Come on. Just for a second. / [[Lyle turns his head]] / Lyle: One! / [[Lyle returns to staring at image]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: Lyle! / Onstad: LYLE! / [[Lyle holds his hands up next to his eyes, as if trying to see the monitor better]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs]] / Onstad: DON'T PICK UP THAT TOWEL. / <> / [[Lyle grunts and digs for something under table]] / [[Lyle drapes towel over head and monitor]] / [[Onstad yells from upstairs, loudest yet]] / Teodor: LYLE! / {{alt text: Lyle absolutely loves pornography.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012006
Achewood § December 1, 2009 [[Molly is looking over Roast Beef's shoulder, who is reading.]] / Molly: Babe, I forgot to get my birth control prescription refilled. / If you want to fool around, we'll have to use condoms. / [[Roast Beef turns to look at Molly.]] / [[Roast Beef scowls at Molly.]] / [[Now Roast Beef is driving in his car.]] / Roast Beef: God dammit / HATE buyin' these things / Clerk all KNOWIN' / [[Roast Beef is at the store. A sign in the aisle reads: / "6B / FEMININE HYGIENE / INCONTINENCE"]] / [[Roast Beef is looking pensive as several condom brands are shown: "Golden mallet Luxury Condoms", "The Country Mile Premium Condoms", "Darkness & Light Lamb Condoms", and "The Geometry of Love".]] / {{Posting short pieces more often rather than large pieces less often.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12012009
Achewood - December 2, 2002 [[Ray and Roast Beef are driving through the desert at night. Roast Beef is behind the wheel.]] / Ray: So how'd you get the name Roast Beef, anyway? / Roast Beef [[frowning]]: How'd you get the name Ray / Ray: You know what I mean! / [[Roast Beef sighs.]] / <> / Roast Beef: Well it's real simple / Roast Beef: When I was born I wasn't really developed all the way / Roast Beef: They couldn't tell if I was gonna be a man or a lady... / Roast Beef: But they thought probably a lady / Ray: So they named you Roast Beef?! / Roast Beef: No...no they didn't / Roast Beef: They named me... / Roast Beef [[frowning]]: Cassandra / {{hover text: But where did Roast Beef come from?}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12022002
Achewood - December 2, 2002 [[The car travelling through a desert at night.]] / [[Ray and Roast Beef in the car, Roast Beef driving.]] / Ray: So how'd you get the name Roast Beef, anyway? / [[Roast Beef frowns]] / Roast Beef: How'd you get the name Ray / Ray: You know what I mean! / [[Close-up of Roast Beef sighing.]] / <> / Roast Beef: Well it's real simple / Roast Beef: When I was born I wasn't really developed all the way / Roast Beef: They couldn't tell if I was gonna be a man or a lady... / Roast Beef: But they thought probably a lady / Ray: So they named you Roast Beef?! / Roast Beef: No...no they didn't / Roast Beef: They named me... / [[Close-up of Roast Beef, his brow curved angrily down]] / Roast Beef: Cassandra / {{alt text: But where did Roast Beef come from?}} / {{Archive title: Beef's Real Name}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12022002
Achewood - December 2, 2003 [[Ray is driving a car. He is driving that car all around Hell, with his jaunty little Alpenhorn hat. Lo and behold, there it is: KFC. We see him in the final panel, sipping on a drink (my money is on Sierra Mist), with a bag which I assume contains a four-biscuit-box and some potato wedges. The alt text reads: "Hell is kind of a weird place."]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12022003
 

Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 >>