You're browsing the archives of Achewood.
You can search these comics too.

show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]

Pat is quick to generalize [[Teodor is working at his computer, listening to the radio.]] / Radio: Welcome to KPMA's Gripe of the Day! What's your gripe, caller? / Radio: Mexican people take too long gettin' in and out of cars! / Teodor (thinking): Hey, that sounds like Pat! / Radio: Really? I don't think I've ever-- / Radio: Don't you lie to me! How many times have you sat and waited while some Mexican was gettin' into a car, actin' like the world was his oyster?! / Teodor (thinking): Yeah, that's definitely Pat. I wonder where he's hiding? / {{Alt text: Patronize your local fast food cart}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12022004
Pat is quick to generalize [[Teodor is working at his computer, listening to the radio.]] / Radio Show Host: Welcome to KPMA's Gripe of the Day! What's your gripe, caller? / Radio Show Caller: Mexican people take too long gettin' in and out of cars! / Teodor (thinking): Hey, that sounds like Pat! / Radio Show Host: Really? I don't think I've ever-- / Radio Show Caller: Don't you lie to me! How many times have you sat and waited while some Mexican was gettin' into a car, actin' like the world was his oyster?! / Teodor (thinking): Yeah, that's definitely Pat. I wonder where he's hiding? / {{Alt text: Patronize your local fast food cart}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12022004
Achewood - December 2, 2005 <> / Ray: Daaaamn, Cornelius! Sick flivver! / Mr. Bear: Hello, Ray! What's with the get-up? / Ray: Oh, I was just helpin' out a friend. We take this thing for a spin? / Mr. Bear: It's more fun to look at than drive, I'm afraid. I'm just idling to keep the engine clean. / Mr. Bear: Say, can you take my place for a bit? I need to visit the loo. / Ray: Yeah, man! Take your time! I know how it is. / [[SOON.]] / Ray: Ray Smuckles, the new student transfer from Metropolitan Sex College 9, drove his Pierce-Arrow right up to the Hardy Boys and tooted his horn! / Ray: Frank steadied his younger blonder brother Joe. / Ray: "What do you want?" asked Joe, stiffly. / Ray: "What any man wants! To meet the Hardys!" laughed Ray. Everyone chuckled with relief. It was good to see that the new city fellow knew who was who. / Ray: Even though he was from a high school where students freely discussed orgasm and jazz music in the hallways --and the teachers were always stoned-- / Ray: ...there was something that everyone in straight-laced Bayport liked about Ray. / {{alt text: Ray knows how it is.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12022005
Achewood - December 3, 2001 [[A pizza guy is delivering to Teodor and Lyle]] / Pizza Guy: Can you please open the door a little wider, sir? / Teodor: [[From behind door]] I...I'm terribly deformed. Please just leave it on the doormat. / Pizza Guy: Yes sir. That'll be $13.27. / Teodor: Here you go. Say, is your car an automatic? / Pizza Guy: Yes, why? / [[Lyle and Teodor jump out from behind the door. Lyle hits the Pizza Guy on the head with a baseball bat.]] / Lyle: 'Cause that's all we drive, chump! / <> / Teodor: Arrrhh! Me hates ye! / [[...to be continued]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12032001
Achewood - December 3, 2001 [[A pizza guy is delivering to Teodor and Lyle]] / Pizza Guy: Can you please open the door a little wider, sir? / Teodor: [[From behind door]] I...I'm terribly deformed. Please just leave it on the doormat. / Pizza Guy: Yes sir. That'll be $13.27. / Teodor: Here you go. Say, is your car an automatic? / Pizza Guy: Yes, why? / [[Lyle and Teodor jump out from behind the door. Lyle hits the Pizza Guy on the head with a baseball bat.]] / Lyle: 'Cause that's all we drive, chump! / <> / Teodor: Arrrhh! Me hates ye! / [[...to be continued]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12032001
Achewood - December 3, 2001 [[A pizza guy is delivering to Teodor and Lyle]] / Pizza Guy: Can you please open the door a little wider, sir? / Teodor: [[From behind door]] I...I'm terribly deformed. Please just leave it on the doormat. / Pizza Guy: Yes sir. That'll be $13.27. / Teodor: Here you go. Say, is your car an automatic? / Pizza Guy: Yes, why? / [[Lyle and Teodor jump out from behind the door. Lyle hits the Pizza Guy on the head with a baseball bat.]] / Lyle: 'Cause that's all we drive, chump! / <> / Teodor: Arrrhh! Me hates ye! / [[...to be continued]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12032001
Achewood - December 3, 2003 [[Hotel sign: Best Western / Vacancy.]] / <> / [[Ray ambles into the hotel]] / [[Sign: Tonight in the Brookside Lounge / Blues Music by Robert Johnson / 6pm]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12032003
Achewood - December 3, 2003 [[Hotel sign: Best Western / Vacancy.]] / [[Subaru Brat parks]] / <> / [[Ray walks away from the Subaru Brat]] / [[Ray walks up to the hotel]] / [[Hotel's main entrance: Push / Pull]] / [[Sign: Tonight in the Brookside Lounge / Blues Music by Robert Johnson / 6pm]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12032003
Pat is on the radio again! Radio: This is KWDA talk radio, caller you're on the air! / Pat (on radio): I just want to say that America is a sham! It's nothing more than a system of financial penalties! / Pursuit of Happiness my ass! / Teodor (thinking): Hey, that's Pat again! / Radio: Get dinged on your tax return, caller? / Pat (on radio): No, stupid! A parking ticket! / Apparently you can't park at a broken meter! A BROKEN METER THAT MY TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR! / Radio: Where is this broken meter, caller? Maybe we can help get the word out. / Pat (on radio): It's right out in front of 715 Lomax! God DAMN it! DAMMIT! / DAAAAAAMN IIIIIIIIIIIIIT! / FUCK THE WORLD! / Teodor (thinking): 715 Lomax...that's where he goes to Support Group! / Arthur (on radio): Paaa-at! Remember what Mr. Gary says! / Anger is a burglar who steals our brains! / Pat (on radio): Screw you, Arthur! Go sit on a canary! You know you'd be good at it! / Arthur (on radio): Is that your absolutely gross way of finally admitting that you know I'm gay, Pat? Well, screw YOU! I don't need this! I have dignity. / Pat (on radio): Yeah? How much dignity did you have last week when you smoked Mr. Gary's pole over behind the basketball equipment?! / Arthur (on radio): THAT WAS AN ACT OF LOVE YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW ANYTHING SO BEAUTIFUL! / {{Alt text: Smoking Mr. Gary's pole is so beautiful}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12032004
Pat is on the radio again! Radio: This is KWDA talk radio, caller you're on the air! / Pat (on radio): I just want to say that America is a sham! It's nothing more than a system of financial penalties! / Pat (on radio) Pursuit of Happiness my ass! / Teodor (thinking): Hey, that's Pat again! / Radio: Get dinged on your tax return, caller? / Pat (on radio): No, stupid! A parking ticket! / Pat (on radio): Apparently you can't park at a broken meter! A BROKEN METER THAT MY TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR! / Radio: Where is this broken meter, caller? Maybe we can help get the word out. / Pat (on radio): It's right out in front of 715 Lomax! God DAMN it! DAMMIT! / DAAAAAAMN IIIIIIIIIIIIIT! / FUCK THE WORLD! / Teodor (thinking): 715 Lomax...that's where he goes to Support Group! / Arthur (on radio): Paaa-at! Remember what Mr. Gary says! / Anger is a burglar who steals our brains! / Pat (on radio): Screw you, Arthur! Go sit on a canary! You know you'd be good at it! / Arthur (on radio): Is that your absolutely gross way of finally admitting that you know I'm gay, Pat? Well, screw YOU! I don't need this! I have dignity. / Pat (on radio): Yeah? How much dignity did you have last week when you smoked Mr. Gary's pole over behind the basketball equipment?! / Arthur (on radio): THAT WAS AN ACT OF LOVE YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW ANYTHING SO BEAUTIFUL! / {{Alt text: Smoking Mr. Gary's pole is so beautiful}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12032004
 
Achewood § December 3, 2007 [[Lyle is working at The Perky Pervert, Java for Freaks.]] / Lyle: Hey, man. Cuppa joe? / Nolan: Y-Yes, please. And... and I'll take advantage of the upgrade, please. / Nolan: In fact... would you upgrade it... forty-seven times? / Lyle: Sure thing, pal. / Narrator: SOON. / Nolan: Ooh la LA! / <> / Nolan: Ooh la LA LA LA LA! / <> / Lyle: Alright, that's forty-seven. / <> / Nolan: FIFTY! MAKE IT FIFTY! I BEG OF YOU! / Lyle: I'm gonna have to see the cash up front. / <<-FLIP- -FLIP- -FLIP->> / Nolan: Here! And, another fifty if you put it IN the coffee! / Lyle: (!) / Nolan: Oooh la LAAA! La LA LA LA LA! / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12032007
Achewood § December 3, 2009 DRS. SMITH AND CARNABUS. -THREE- FULLY PARAFFIN CON-DOMS FOR THE GENITAL. / FAT MAN CONDOMS / the Jolly Squire / Daikon Club / Man how did we even create a system where we share stuff this personal with a clerk / My dad caught this football in 1973! / I wanted you to see it, 'cause I'm a guy who lives in this neighborhood! / He and my mom are staying together only until my little brother goes to college. His name's Blake, but we call him Dingo. / I did not love my first wife, and my second wife was killed by elevators. / Twelve pounds of candy, please. / My body wants to have sex. It wants that because it's a body. / I have to go, but we can talk later. I am Isaac. / I ain't want to obfuscate this with a bunch of shelf paper and dish mats though I mean rubbers are gonna scream out from a pile of sundries like a mandrake root no matter what / Christ...it ain't like the clerk's new at sellin' embarrassing things to the demoralized / I mean they got single-release enemas and grampa-wipes and everything short of a shotgun in the mouth here / Hell if I buy these it might be the most life-affirming thing this guy sees all day / Three ninety-five. / Thank you
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12032009
Achewood - December 4, 2001 Mr. Bear: I guess pizza men are used to that sort of thing, Téodor. / Téodor: Penny... / Mr. Bear: You'll meet your dear Penny. If it is meant to be, by hook or by crook you will cross paths. / Téodor: I hope so. / Mr. Bear: In the meantime, I'm sure that something will take your mind off this little setback. / Téodor: Not likely. / ((Mr. Bear proceeds to leave the room, and as he does so his robe rides up into his butt crack, and he uncerimoniously reaches to pull it back out.))
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042001
Silk Robe [[Mr. Bear, Téodor, and Lyle sit together on sofa. Téodor's arm is in a sling. Téodor looks forlorn.]] / Mr. Bear: I guess pizza men are used to that sort of thing, Téodor. / Téodor: Penny... / Mr. Bear: You'll meet your dear Penny. If it is meant to be, by hook or by crook you will cross paths. / <> / Téodor: I hope so. / Mr. Bear: In the meantime, I'm sure that something will take your mind off this little setback. / Téodor: Not likely. / [[Mr. Bear gets up from sofa]] / [[Mr. Bear's robe rides up into his butt crack]] / [[Unceremoniously, he reaches to pull it back out.]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042001
Achewood - December 4, 2001 [[Mr. Bear, Téodor, and Lyle are sitting on the couch. Téodor's left arm is in a sling. / Mr. Bear: I guess pizza men are used to that sort of thing, Téodor. / Téodor: Penny... / Mr. Bear: You'll meet your dear Penny. If it is meant to be, by hook or by crook you will cross paths. / Téodor: I hope so. / Mr. Bear: In the meantime, I'm sure that something will take your mind off this little setback. / Téodor: Not likely. / [[Mr. Bear proceeds to leave the room, and as he does so his robe rides up into his butt crack, and he uncerimoniously reaches to pull it back out.]] / Mr. Bear: <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042001
Achewood - December 4, 2001 Mr. Bear: I guess pizza men are used to that sort of thing, Téodor. / Téodor: Penny... / Mr. Bear: You'll meet your dear Penny. If it is meant to be, by hook or by crook you will cross paths. / Téodor: I hope so. / Mr. Bear: In the meantime, I'm sure that something will take your mind off this little setback. / Téodor: Not likely. / ((Mr. Bear proceeds to leave the room, and as he does so his robe rides up into his butt crack, and he unceremoniously reaches to pull it back out.))
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042001
Achewood - December 4, 2002 [[Philippe and Ultra Peanut are looking at Click Robot, a little box on two legs and with a screen and buttons on the front.]] / Philippe: Wow! What's that? / Ultra Peanut: This' Click Robot! He my tiny friend! / Philippe: Neat! What's he do? / [[Close-up of Ultra Peanut pressing one of Click Robot's buttons.]] / Ultra Peanut: Watch, I make him go to the bathroom! / <> / [[Message on Click Robot's screen: CLICK ROBOT OK TO MAKE BATHROOM? NO YES]] / Phillipe: (thinks) Wow, that sounded kind of cute! / Philippe: Can...can he do it again? / Ultra Peanut: He has to wait four hours, or it mess him up! / Ultra Peanut: Speaking of bathroom, excuse me! / [[Ultra Peanut leaves]] / [[Philippe, alone, picks up Click Robot.]] / Phillipe: (thinks)I don't want to wait four hours! / Philippe: Let's see-how'd she do that... / Philippe: ah, here we go-"Make Bathroom". / Philippe: "OK". / <> / [[Philippe drops Click Robot in fright.]] / [[Close up of Click Robot, screen reading: ENTERING DEATH MODE // WHAT DID YOU DO]] / Phillipe: Oh my gosh! Click Robot! Stop! No! / {{Alt text: klik}} / {{Archive title: Click Robot}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042002
Brookside Lounge, Best Western, Hell [[Sign: ROOM 0127 / BROOKSIDE LOUNGE / WITH / ROBERT JOHNSON / 6PM NI HTLY]] / [[Ray stands at the door of the lounge and reads the sign.]] / [[Ray extends a hand to open the door.]] / [[A shot from inside the lounge as Ray pushes open the door, throwing a shaft of light into the dark room.]] / [[Ray looks left.]] / [[Ray looks right.]] / [[Ray jumps back with a look of shock on his face.]] / [[The eerie face of Robert Johnson stares out from the dark.]] / {{alt-text: ...!}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042003
 
Achewood - December 4, 2006 - "Meg White NAKED" [[The sun rises over a house.]] / [[Téodor is asleep in front of a computer. A bottle of whiskey sits open on the desk.]] / [[On the screen is the result of a google search: "Your search - meg white COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED." did not match any documents.]] / {{title text: When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042006
Achewood - December 4, 2006 - [[The sun rises over the Onstad house.]] / [[Téodor is asleep in front of the computer. A bottle of whiskey sits open on the desk.]] / [[On the screen is the result of a Google Images search: "Your search - meg white COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED did not match any documents."]] / {{title text: When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042006
Meg White NAKED [[The sun rises over a house.]] / [[Téodor is asleep in front of a computer. A bottle of whiskey sits open on the desk.]] / [[On the screen is the result of a google search: "Your search - meg white COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED." did not match any documents.]] / {{title text: When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042006
Achewood - December 4, 2006 - [[The sun rises over a house.]] / [[Téodor is passed out, resting on the keyboard in front of a computer. A bottle of whiskey sits open on the desk.]] / [[On the screen is the result of a google search: "Your search - meg white COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED." did not match any documents.]] / {{title text: When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042006
Achewood - December 4, 2006 - Meg White NAKED [[The sun rises over a house.]] / [[Téodor is asleep in front of a computer. A bottle of whiskey sits open on the desk.]] / [[On the screen is the result of a google image search: "Your search - meg white COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED - did not match any documents."]] / {{title text: When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042006
Achewood - December 4, 2006 - [[The sun rises over a house.]] / [[Téodor is asleep in front of a computer. A bottle of whiskey sits open on the desk.]] / [[On the screen is the result of a google search: "Your search - meg white COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED." did not match any documents.]] / {{alt text: When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042006
Achewood - December 4, 2006 - [[The sun rises over a house.]] / [[Téodor is asleep in front of a computer. A bottle of whiskey sits open on the desk.]] / [[On the screen is the result of a google search: "Your search - meg white COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED." did not match any documents.]] / {{title text: When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042006
Achewood - December 4, 2006 - [[The sun rises over a house.]] / [[Interior. Gray dawn. Téodor is asleep in front of a computer. A bottle of whiskey sits open on the desk.]] / [[On the screen is the result of a google search: Your search - meg white COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED - did not match any documents.]] / {{alt text: When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042006
Achewood - December 4, 2006 - [[The sun rises over a house.]] / [[Téodor is asleep in front of a computer. An empty bottle of whiskey sits open on the desk.]] / [[On the screen is the result of a google search: "Your search - meg white COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED." did not match any documents.]] / {{title text: When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042006
Achewood - December 4, 2006 - [[The sun rises over a house. There is a rolled-up news paper in the driveway]] / [[Téodor is asleep in front of a computer. A bottle of whiskey sits open on the desk.]] / [[On the screen is the result of a google search: "Your search - meg white COME ON SHOW ME HER NAKED." did not match any documents.]] / {{title text: When Google can't do something, it's like being tied down and watching your dad get beat up.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12042006
Achewood - December 5, 2001 (A change of operating systems) [[Téodor in front of a computer, arms behind his back.]] / Téodor: The new computer's here! / [[Cornelius Bear and Philippe enter and stand beside Téodor. Philippe smiling, as usual.]] / Cornelius Bear: Wow, they really scrimped on this one. It doesn't even have a name. / [[Téodor's eyebrows raised, Cornelius looks slightly angry, Philippe now has a neutral expression.]] / Téodor: What's this? UNIX?! / Cornelius Bear: Oh no, I heard about UNIX! / Computer: <> / [[Cornelius and Téodor now both slightly angry.]] / Cornelius Bear: Isn't UNIX made by fat people? / Téodor: I typed "start." Nothing. Nothing! / Philippe: Does UNIX have eBay?
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052001
A change of operating systems [[Téodor in front of a computer, arms behind his back.]] / Téodor: The new computer's here! / [[Cornelius Bear and Philippe enter and stand beside Téodor. Philippe is smiling.]] / Cornelius Bear: Wow, they really scrimped on this one. It doesn't even have a name. / [[Téodor's eyebrows raised, Cornelius looks slightly angry, Philippe now has a neutral expression.]] / Téodor: What's this? UNIX?! / Cornelius Bear: Oh no, I heard about UNIX! / <> / [[Cornelius and Téodor now both slightly angry.]] / Cornelius Bear: Isn't UNIX made by fat people? / Téodor: I typed "start." Nothing. Nothing! / Philippe: Does UNIX have eBay? / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052001
Achewood - December 5, 2002 [[Philippe looks at his Click Robot with alarm.]] / Ultra Peanut, not shown: PHILIPPE! What you do to Click Robot?! / [[Philippe and Ultra Peanut behold the piece of consumer electronics.]] / Philippe: I... I just wanted to hear him make his bathroom sound again! / Ultra Peanut: <> / [[The Click Robot is shown in close-up. Its screen reads, "YOU MAKE ME DO IT IN MY PANTS :( GOOD-BYE."]] / Ultra Peanut: You make him pee his pants! He die of shame! / [[Philippe and Ultra Peanut.]] / Philippe: I'm sorry! Oh no! I'm so sorry! / Ultra Peanut: I need paperclip I can stick in him! / Philippe: Oh my gosh! Did he not die all the way? Do you have to finish killing him? / Philippe: Is... is he in pain? / Ultra Peanut: Get me paperclip, Philippe! Now! / Philippe: I... I'm sorry I dishonored you, Click Robot!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052002
Robert Johnson Ocular Shenanigans [[Robert Johnson sits in the dark]] / Robert Johnson: Ain't no people heah' boy / Robert Johnson: place is Closed / Robert Johnson: can't you... / [[Robert Johnson suddenly pops his eyes wide open]] / Robert Johnson: See / [[Ray looks startled]] / Ray: Whoah! How'd you DO that?! / Ray: Awesome! / [[Robert Johnson looks sheepish]] / Robert Johnson: Well shucks it's nothin' I couldn't show a fella / [[Ray leaning forward with one hand on his glasses]] / Narration: SOON / Ray: place is Closed / Ray: can't you... / [[Ray pulls down his glasses and pops his eyes wide open]] / Ray: See! / [[Wider shot shows Ray holding this pose and Robert Johnson chuckling. They sit at a table with two half-empty drinks]] / Robert Johnson: Oh man that is too much / Robert Johnson: You are a hoot and a holler Ray Smuckles / {{alt text: Welcome to the Robert Johnson School of Ocular Shenanigans}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052003
Robert Johnson Ocular Shenanigans [[Robert Johnson sits in the dark]] / Robert Johnson: Ain't no people heah' boy / Robert Johnson: place is Closed / Robert Johnson: can't you... / [[Robert Johnson suddenly pops his eyes wide open]] / Robert Johnson: See? / [[Ray looks startled]] / Ray: Whoah! How'd you DO that?! / Ray: Awesome! / [[Robert Johnson looks sheepish]] / Robert Johnson: Well shucks it's nothin' I couldn't show a fella / [[Ray leaning forward with one hand on his glasses]] / Narration: SOON / Ray: place is Closed / Ray: can't you... / [[Ray pulls down his glasses and pops his eyes wide open]] / Ray: See! / [[Wider shot shows Ray holding this pose and Robert Johnson chuckling. They sit at a table with two half-empty drinks]] / Robert Johnson: Oh man that is too much / Robert Johnson: You are a hoot and a holler Ray Smuckles / {{alt text: Welcome to the Robert Johnson School of Ocular Shenanigans}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052003
Robert Johnson Ocular Shenanigans - December 5th, 2003 [[Robert Johnson sits in the dark]] / Robert Johnson: Ain't no people heah' boy / Robert Johnson: place is Closed / Robert Johnson: can't you... / [[Robert Johnson suddenly pops his eyes wide open]] / Robert Johnson: See / [[Ray looks startled]] / Ray: Whoah! How'd you DO that?! / Ray: Awesome! / [[Robert Johnson looks sheepish]] / Robert Johnson: Well shucks it's nothin' I couldn't show a fella / [[Ray leaning forward with one hand on his glasses]] / Narration: SOON / Ray: place is Closed / Ray: can't you... / [[Ray pulls down his glasses and pops his eyes wide open]] / Ray: See! / [[Wider shot shows Ray holding this pose and Robert Johnson chuckling. They sit at a table with two half-empty drinks]] / Robert Johnson: Oh man that is too much / Robert Johnson: You are a hoot and a holler Ray Smuckles / {{alt text: Welcome to the Robert Johnson School of Ocular Shenanigans}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052003
Achewood - December 5, 2005 [[Ray is walking around in a dim-lit room wearing old timey shoes printed on paper, looking at the reader. When he notices the end of the room, he removes the paper shoes, he turns the paper feet around and procedes to walk to the other side in a similar fashion.]] / {{Alt Text: Today's strip written and directed by Ray.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052005
Achewood - December 5, 2005 [[Ray is walking around in a dim-lit room wearing old timey shoes printed on paper, looking at the reader. When he notices the end of the room, he removes the paper shoes, he turns the paper feet around and procedes to walk to the other side in a similar fashion.]] / {{Alt Text: Today's strip written and directed by Ray.}} / {{Archive title: Ray has Happy Feet}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052005
 
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly: Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / tooltip: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.—S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly: Oh—good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / tooltip: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly: Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / {{alt-text: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly: Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / {{alt text: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.}} / {{archive title: Beef, Depression, Toast}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains. Molly reaches for the toast.]] / Molly: Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / tooltip: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly: Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / tooltip: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly: Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / {{In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[Molly extends her arm, the toast is her goal.]] / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly: Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / [[Molly advances toward the toast with her right arm.]] / tooltip: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly; Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly; You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly; If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly; Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / {{title text: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly: Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / tooltip: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly: Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / {{mouseover: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
Achewood - December 5, 2006 [[Beef looks sad, with a slice of toast in his mouth.]] / Molly: Beef, are you too depressed to finish biting through that piece of toast? / [[Beef raises his eyebrows.]] / Molly: You haven't been using that S.O.--S.A.D. lamp I got, have you? / [[Beef looks crushed by despair.]] / Molly: If I pull the toast away, do you promise to give a little resistance and not fall forward? / [[With great effort, Beef opens his mouth, but the toast remains.]] / Molly: Oh---good. Good! It's still stuck to your bottom teeth, though, babe, so you may feel me pulling it up and away. / {{alt-text: In this we establish the operative parameters for a good relationship.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052006
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052007">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052007 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood § December 5, 2009 [[Comic is a single box with a large logic tree. Transcription contains only contents of boxes, not arrow labels.]] / GO ONLINE? / WALK TO KITCHEN, PUT A DISH IN SINK, WALK BACK TO COMPUTER. / WHAT FOR: SOCIAL, ANTISOCIAL, WORK-RELATED, NEWS, YOUTUBE, SEARCH? / TWITTER FACEBOOK FLICKR MYSPACE* / RT A BIT.LY OF A CRUEL YOUTUBE OF A LITTLE GIRL WITH #TREACHER-COLLINSSYNDROME DANCING IN A FAIRY COSTUME ON A BACK PORCH IN ARKANSAS / FAIL TO GENERATE EVEN 140 CHARACTERS ABOUT YOUR DAY / (2) NEW TWEETS! / HUH APHEXBEN IS WATCHING TAXI DRIVER / ...AND #DRINKING / TIME TO CHECK FACEBOOK (SEE FOOTNOTE) / TRY TO SEE IF A FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND HAS ANY SWIMSUIT SHOTS IN HER PUBLIC GALLERY / TRY TO SEE IF A FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND HAS ANY SWIMSUIT SHOTS IN HIS VACATION PICS / REALIZE THAT YOU'RE MORE INTERESTED IN THE PEOPLE YOU *DON'T* KNOW / TIME TO CHECK TWITTER (SEE FOOTNOTE) / READ MESSAGEBOARDS DEVOTED TO GLENN BECK WHILE WONDERING HOW LONG FOX CAN SECRETLY HAVE HIM SO COKED OUT OF HIS OWN SKIN THAT HIS TRADEMARK RHETORICAL STRATEGY IS, "SCREAMING LIKE A NASCAR TIRE." / MAYBE GET CAUGHT UP ON THE NEWS FIRST / HUH SOMEONE FROM MY OLD HOMETOWN DIED I'LL SEE IF IT WAS CLINT BEIDERBECKE / OH WELL THERE'S ALWAYS TOMORROW / I WONDER IF HIS SISTER IS ON FACEBOOK / OH SWEET I'LL FRIEND HER AND SAY I'M SORRY...HOPE SHE DOESN'T HAVE KIDS / I WANT TO MAKE A VIDEO MASHUP OF ALL SCENES WITH FREDO AND SET IT TO "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS" / OH NEAT A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT MODERN ROMANIAN CHIMNEY SWEEPS -click- / "FREE HATS" / Man, I'm wasting my whole goddam life. / Footnote. TWITTER/FACEBOOK INFINITE LOOP SYNDROME: *The Twitter/FB Infinite Loop: Because Twitter and Facebook update with such intense frequency, by the time you have caught up with one, the other is likely to have new updates, and vice versa - creating a permanent, balanced site-toggling cycle. / **The only active user of MySpace is a 32mb Flash file that loads improperly and obfuscates your login fields) / {{Title text: Computer programs have finally forced us to develop the same functional problems they have.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12052009
Achewood - December 6, 2001 [[Todd is standing on a stool, holding a guitar, speaking into a microphone]] / Todd: Hi everybody, I-I-I'm Todd the Squirrel. This is a song I wrote called It's Not Awesome When Friends Die. / <> / [[Todd begins to play the guitar and sings...]] / Todd: Eatin' some old cigarettes, / Dodgin' cars and makin' bets, / Chewin' on electric wire, / Nappin' underneath a tire / There are many ways to go / Some are fast, some are slow / Some guys go by their own hand / Some get hit by their friend's van. / [[Todd pours one out for Skamper]] / <> / Todd: I'll see you at the crossroads, Skamper.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062001
Todd; open mic nite [[Todd is standing on a stool, holding a guitar, speaking into a microphone]] / Todd: Hi everybody, I-I-I'm Todd the Squirrel. This is a song I wrote called It's Not Awesome When Friends Die. / <> / [[Todd begins to play the guitar and sings...]] / Todd: Eatin' some old cigarettes, / Dodgin' cars and makin' bets, / Chewin' on electric wire, / Nappin' underneath a tire / [[Musical notes in background]] / Todd: There are many ways to go / Some are fast, some are slow / Some guys go by their own hand / Some get hit by their friend's van. / [[Musical notes]] / [[Todd pours one out for Skamper]] / Todd: I'll see you at the crossroads, Skamper. / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062001
Achewood - December 6, 2004 [[Taco Bell sign]] / Molly (Off Camera): How are things with Gramma K? / Beef: Oh uh I moved out on that nasty old claw and I ain't been back / Molly: Wow! Who's been taking care of her? / Beef (Off Camera): I left the government's number by the phone / Molly (Off Camera): Whew. I guess you went through kind of a rough patch? / Beef: Well uh after you left I kind of saw my circumstances for what they really were / Beef: A dude with a Tron pillow whose girlfriend left him because he refused to move outta his absusive gramma's trailer / Not exactly Lenny Kravitz / Molly: I never wanted you to be Lenny Kravitz, Beef. / I just wanted us to be happy, and that was never going to happen in that trailer. / Beef: I guess I didn't call 'cause I lumped you in with that horrible period and all my shame at it / Molly: I understand. Thank you for being honest. / Beef (Thoughts): Man this is weird / It's like the more truthful you are with a lady the more she digs you for it / I wonder if there's a college study that shows how exposing my generation to Three's Company set gender relations back approximately 715 years
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062004
 
Achewood - December 6, 2005 Ray: Damn. Like only one cup of milk left in this bad boy, and I need to make room on the door for the new bloody mary mix. / Ray: Maybe...maybe pour it into a glass. Wait. Maybe...drink it! / Ray: Straight-up drink a glass of milk! / Ray: Holy hell, that is so old school! / Ray: Hold on, wait. I got to do this right. / [[SOON.]] / Téodor: <> Since when are you in West Side Story, Ray? / Ray: Hey, Téodor! Good to see you, despite the comment! / Téodor: Seriously, what are you up to? / Ray: What's it look like, Daddy-O? / Téodor: It looks like you're about to get a haircut and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Tonkin, I guess. / Ray: If you're tryin' to be funny, maybe use a little less Vietnam. Old stand-up trick. / Téodor: Then answer me! / Ray: I'm sittin' on the damn stoop! You're the one who turned it into a war and a musical! / Ray: I better go back inside before Miramax casts Michael Flatley to play me in the movie! / {{alt text: If you don't know who Michael Flatley is, then you have never seen two legs truly a-twitter.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062005
Achewood - December 6, 2006 Cornelius Bear: Vlad, I've got to pop out for a bit .Would you mind transcribing a few racy adult videos for the SPICE Channel's closed-captioning? My shift isn't over for another hour. / Vlad: Is for serious? Oh, you are havink a deal, mister! Vlad born to do this job! / Caption: Soon. / Vlad typing: Dear Viewer: The chick is at the door. Is not the best chick, more of a pitesh korabka from Yugeb, if you are followink me. But the show must go on. What next. / Vlad: Ahhh. Enjoyable. Findink groove. / Vlad typing: The guy he looks at her. They are goink to do a miracle with their body parts, you bet. But first, we must ready our selfs for a good longk make out. / Vlad: Wonderful. / Vlad typing: Hold it! How quickly they are gettink to the miracle! Where are the make-outs? It does not, it CAN not work this way! / Vlad typing: VIEWER! ATTENTION! What you are seeink is LIE! A lady is needink up to ten minutes of make-outs before the miracle! SPICE CHANNEL: I QUIT YOUR NONSENSE! -- CORNELIUS BEAR. PS: I SPIT ON YOUR MONEY. / Tooltip gag: Vlad had been listening to Cornelius rattle off his Ekaterina Gamova story (begins 8.22.04 in his blog).
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062006
Vlad's SPICE gig Cornelius Bear: Vlad, I've got to pop out for a bit. Would you mind transcribing a few racy adult videos for the SPICE Channel's closed-captioning? My shift isn't over for another hour. / Vlad: Is for serious? Oh, you are havink a deal, mister! Vlad born to do this job! / [[Soon.]] / Vlad typing: Dear Viewer: The chick is at the door. Is not the best chick, more of a pitesh korabka from Yugeb, if you are followink me. But the show must go on. What next. / Vlad: Ahhh. Enjoyable. Findink groove. / Vlad typing: The guy he looks at her. They are goink to do a miracle with their body parts, you bet. But first, we must ready our selfs for a good longk make out. / Vlad: Wonderful. / Vlad typing: Hold it! How quickly they are gettink to the miracle! Where are the make-outs? It does not, it CAN not work this way! / Vlad typing: VIEWER! ATTENTION! What you are seeink is LIE! A lady is needink up to ten minutes of make-outs before the miracle! SPICE CHANNEL: I QUIT YOUR NONSENSE! -- CORNELIUS BEAR. PS: I SPIT ON YOUR MONEY. / {{alt text: Vlad had been listening to Cornelius rattle off his Ekaterina Gamova story (begins 8.22.04 in his blog}} / {{Linked to http://corneliusbear.blogspot.com/2004_08_01_corneliusbear_archive.html}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062006
Achewood - December 6, 2006 Cornelius Bear: Vlad, I've got to pop out for a bit .Would you mind transcribing a few racy adult videos for the SPICE Channel's closed-captioning? My shift isn't over for another hour. / Vlad: Is for serious? Oh, you are havink a deal, mister! Vlad born to do this job! / Caption: Soon. / Vlad typing: Dear Viewer: The chick is at the door. Is not the best chick, more of a pitesh korabka from Yugeb, if you are followink me. But the show must go on. What next. / Vlad: Ahhh. Enjoyable. Findink groove. / Vlad typing: The guy he looks at her. They are goink to do a miracle with their body parts, you bet. But first, we must ready our selfs for a good longk make out. / Vlad: Wonderful. / Vlad typing: Hold it! How quickly they are gettink to the miracle! Where are the make-outs? It does not, it CAN not work this way! / Vlad typing: VIEWER! ATTENTION! What you are seeink is LIE! A lady is needink up to ten minutes of make-outs before the miracle! SPICE CHANNEL: I QUIT YOUR NONSENSE! -- CORNELIUS BEAR. PS: I SPIT ON YOUR MONEY. / [[Alt text: Vlad had been listening to Cornelius rattle off his Ekaterina Gamova story (begins 8.22.04 in his blog).]]
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062006
Achewood - December 6, 2006 Cornelius Bear: Vlad, I've got to pop out for a bit .Would you mind transcribing a few racy adult videos for the SPICE Channel's closed-captioning? My shift isn't over for another hour. / Vlad: Is for serious? Oh, you are havink a deal, mister! Vlad born to do this job! / Caption: Soon. / Vlad typing: Dear Viewer: The chick is at the door. Is not the best chick, more of a pitesh korabka from Yugeb, if you are followink me. But the show must go on. What next. / Vlad: Ahhh. Enjoyable. Findink groove. / Vlad typing: The guy he looks at her. They are goink to do a miracle with their body parts, you bet. But first, we must ready our selfs for a good longk make out. / Vlad: Wonderful. / Vlad typing: Hold it! How quickly they are gettink to the miracle! Where are the make-outs? It does not, it CAN not work this way! / Vlad typing: VIEWER! ATTENTION! What you are seeink is LIE! A lady is needink up to ten minutes of make-outs before the miracle! SPICE CHANNEL: I QUIT YOUR NONSENSE! -- CORNELIUS BEAR. PS: I SPIT ON YOUR MONEY. / {{alt text: Vlad had been listening to Cornelius rattle off his Ekaterina Gamova story (begins 8.22.04 in his blog http://corneliusbear.blogspot.com/2004_08_01_corneliusbear_archive.html}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062006
Achewood - December 6, 2006 Cornelius Bear: Vlad, I've got to pop out for a bit. Would you mind transcribing a few racy adult videos for the SPICE Channel's closed-captioning? My shift isn't over for another hour. / Vlad: Is for serious? Oh, you are havink a deal, mister! Vlad born to do this job! / Caption: Soon. / Vlad typing: Dear Viewer: The chick is at the door. Is not the best chick, more of a pitesh korabka from Yugeb, if you are followink me. But the show it must go on. What next. / Vlad (to himself): Ahhh. Enjoyable. Findink groove. / Vlad typing: The guy he looks at her. They are goink to do a miracle with their body parts, you bet. But first, we must ready our selfs for a good longk make out. / Vlad (to himself): Wonderful. / Vlad typing: Hold it! How quickly they are gettink to the miracle! Where are the make-outs? It does not, it CAN not work this way! / Vlad typing: VIEWER! ATTENTION! What you are seeink is LIE! A lady is needink up to ten minutes of make-outs before the miracle! SPICE CHANNEL: I QUIT YOUR NONSENSE! -- CORNELIUS BEAR. PS: I SPIT ON YOUR MONEY. / Tooltip gag: Vlad had been listening to Cornelius rattle off his Ekaterina Gamova story (begins 8.22.04 in his blog).
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062006
Achewood - December 6, 2006 Cornelius Bear: Vlad, I've got to pop out for a bit .Would you mind transcribing a few racy adult videos for the SPICE Channel's closed-captioning? My shift isn't over for another hour. / Vlad: Is for serious? Oh, you are havink a deal, mister! Vlad born to do this job! / Caption: Soon. / Vlad typing: Dear Viewer: The chick is at the door. Is not the best chick, more of a pitesh korabka from Yugeb, if you are followink me. But the show must go on. What next. / Vlad: Ahhh. Enjoyable. Findink groove. / Vlad typing: The guy he looks at her. They are goink to do a miracle with their body parts, you bet. But first, we must ready our selfs for a good longk make out. / Vlad: Wonderful. / Vlad typing: Hold it! How quickly they are gettink to the miracle! Where are the make-outs? It does not, it CAN not work this way! / Vlad typing: VIEWER! ATTENTION! What you are seeink is LIE! A lady is needink up to ten minutes of make-outs before the miracle! SPICE CHANNEL: I QUIT YOUR NONSENSE! -- CORNELIUS BEAR. PS: I SPIT ON YOUR MONEY. / {{ alt text: Vlad had been listening to Cornelius rattle off his Ekaterina Gamova story (begins 8.22.04 in his blog). }}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062006
Achewood - December 6, 2006 [[Cornelius Bear sitting in bed, watching TV, with a laptop on top of his lap. Vlad standing next to bed]] / Cornelius Bear: Vlad, I've got to pop out for a bit .Would you mind transcribing a few racy adult videos for the SPICE Channel's closed-captioning? My shift isn't over for another hour. / Vlad: Is for serious? Oh, you are havink a deal, mister! Vlad born to do this job! / [[Vlad sitting in bed, watching TV, with a laptop on top of his lap.]] / Caption: Soon. / <> / Vlad typing: Dear Viewer: The chick is at the door. Is not the best chick, more of a pitesh korabka from Yugeb, if you are followink me. But the show must go on. What next. / Vlad: Ahhh. Enjoyable. Findink groove. / <> / Vlad typing: The guy he looks at her. They are goink to do a miracle with their body parts, you bet. But first, we must ready our selfs for a good longk make out. / Vlad: Wonderful. / <> / Vlad typing: Hold it! How quickly they are gettink to the miracle! Where are the make-outs? It does not, it CAN not work this way! / <> / Vlad typing: VIEWER! ATTENTION! What you are seeink is LIE! A lady is needink up to ten minutes of make-outs before the miracle! SPICE CHANNEL: I QUIT YOUR NONSENSE! -- CORNELIUS BEAR. PS: I SPIT ON YOUR MONEY. / Tooltip gag: Vlad had been listening to Cornelius rattle off his Ekaterina Gamova story (begins 8.22.04 in his blog).
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062006
Achewood - December 6, 2006 Cornelius Bear: Vlad, I've got to pop out for a bit .Would you mind transcribing / a few racy adult videos for the SPICE Channel's closed-captioning? My shift isn't over for another hour. / Vlad: Is for serious? Oh, you are havink a deal, mister! Vlad born to do this job! / Caption: Soon. / Vlad typing: Dear Viewer: The chick is at the door. Is not the best chick, more of a pitesh korabka from Yugeb, if you are followink me. But the show must go on. What next. / Vlad: Ahhh. Enjoyable. Findink groove. / Vlad typing: The guy he looks at her. They are goink to do a miracle with their body parts, you bet. But first, we must ready our selfs for a good longk make out. / Vlad: Wonderful. / Vlad typing: Hold it! How quickly they are gettink to the miracle! Where are the make-outs? It does not, it CAN not work this way! / Vlad typing: VIEWER! ATTENTION! What you are seeink is LIE! A lady is needink up to ten minutes of make-outs before the miracle! SPICE CHANNEL: I QUIT YOUR NONSENSE! -- CORNELIUS BEAR. PS: I SPIT ON YOUR MONEY. / Tooltip gag: Vlad had been listening to Cornelius rattle off his Ekaterina Gamova story (begins 8.22.04 in his blog).
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062006
Achewood - December 6, 2006 [[Cornelius in bed with keyboard; Vlad stands by bed]] / Cornelius Bear: Vlad, I've got to pop out for a bit .Would you mind transcribing a few racy adult videos for the SPICE Channel's closed-captioning? My shift isn't over for another hour. / Vlad: Is for serious? Oh, you are havink a deal, mister! Vlad born to do this job! / Caption: Soon. / [[Vlad in bed with keyboard]] / <> / Vlad typing: Dear Viewer: The chick is at the door. Is not the best chick, more of a pitesh korabka from Yugeb, if you are followink me. But the show must go on. What next. / Vlad: Ahhh. Enjoyable. Findink groove. / <> / Vlad typing: The guy he looks at her. They are goink to do a miracle with their body parts, you bet. But first, we must ready our selfs for a good longk make out. / Vlad: Wonderful. / <> / Vlad typing: Hold it! How quickly they are gettink to the miracle! Where are the make-outs? It does not, it CAN not work this way! / <> / Vlad typing: VIEWER! ATTENTION! What you are seeink is LIE! A lady is needink up to ten minutes of make-outs before the miracle! SPICE CHANNEL: I QUIT YOUR NONSENSE! -- CORNELIUS BEAR. PS: I SPIT ON YOUR MONEY. / {{Tooltip gag: Vlad had been listening to Cornelius rattle off his Ekaterina Gamova story (begins 8.22.04 in his blog).}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062006
a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062007">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12062007 [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]
Achewood - December 7, 2001 [[Téodor and Lyle are sitting on the sofa watching TV. Both are holding drinks and there is a bottle of liquor between them.]] / Téodor: Hey, that actually seems like a pretty good knife set. / Lyle: Wow, 10 knives for $19.99?! / Téodor: A 50-YEAR guarantee, dude! / Lyle: It FELL through that onion, man. / [[Both punching the air].] / Téodor: "These knives can do anything! Just ask...Baby Jesus!" / Lyle: Your basal nervous system wants these knives! / [[Both standing up with their arms in the air]] / Téodor: Oooh, these knives! / Lyle: I think my heart's explodin'! THESE KNIVES!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12072001
Cutlery ads; bourbon [[Téodor and Lyle are sitting on the sofa watching TV. Both are holding drinks and there is a bottle of liquor between them.]] / Téodor: Hey, that actually seems like a pretty good knife set. / Lyle: Wow, 10 knives for $19.99?! / Téodor: A 50-YEAR guarantee, dude! / Lyle: It FELL through that onion, man. / [[Both punching the air].] / Téodor: "These knives can do anything! Just ask...Baby Jesus!" / Lyle: Your basal nervous system wants these knives! / [[Both standing up with their arms in the air]] / Téodor: Oooh, these knives! / Lyle: I think my heart's explodin'! THESE KNIVES!
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12072001
Achewood - December 7, 2004 BEEEP! / Cornelius: Patrick? Patrick, are you there? This is Cornelius! / Cornelius: I'm back from hospital and hoping to have a word with you! / Pat: Oh crung! Ain't no way I can face him! / Cornelius: I'd like to invite you to lunch, so that we might come to view the accident in the same calm light. Please let me know if you have time. Ta! / BEEEP! / Arthur: Paaaaaat? This is Arthur! I just wanted to let you know that I am OK with the awful things you said about me last week! I forgive you, Pat! / BEEEP! / Roast Beef: Oh uh hey dogg this is Roast Beef um listen I just want to say it's all cool between us even though you dissed Weldon twenty six days ago / BEEEP! / Paul: Travis, this is Paul. I know about you and Dana. I implanted a microphone in her root canal, Travis. That's right, I'm not only her dentist, I'm her husband. Maybe next time you try to ruin a marriage you won't yell so clearly into the woman's teeth.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12072004
 
Philippe's king equipment [[Philippe wears a king's robes and crown and holds a candelabra. He addresses Cornelius.]] / Philippe: Cornelius! A pleasing dance for King Phillipe, at once! / Cornelius: Dear boy, how did you come by this costu--I say, that's geniune ermine! / Cornelius: Take it off before you spill fortified soda on it. / [[Philippe is annoyed]] / Philippe: It's mine! I bought it! I paid a thousand smackaroos! / Cornelius: Pish posh. You've got the cash reserves of a tortilla. / [[Philippe is angry]] / Philippe: That's not true! A guy from the internet gave me a thousand bucks to have dinner with him! / Philippe: I get more money from sending him letters that he can read in the bathroom! / [[Cornelius angrily strikes a computer monitor with a cricket bat]] / <> / {{alt-text: Mod band name - The Cornelius Solution}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12072007
Achewood - December 8, 2003 Well look at you Ray Smuckles. / Ten AM and drunk as a lord. / hush / 'sum'bitch / Careful now boy / Watch y'self / I'm cool / I'm cool / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12082003
Achewood - December 8, 2003 Well look at you Ray Smuckles. / Ten AM and drunk as a lord. / hush / 'sum'bitch / Careful now boy / Watch y'self / I'm cool / I'm cool / [[The cat is sick]] / <>
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12082003
Nice Pete's voice actor audition [[Nice Pete is on the phone.]] / Nice Pete: Hello is this KPMA radio / [[Nice Pete chews his pencil.]] / Nice Pete: Yes this is Peter Cropes calling for the 4:30 voice actor's audition slot / I hope I am not too early / [[Nice Pete looks at a stack of papers in his hand.]] / Nice Pete: Yes I did receive the sample ad scripts via Carl's email / I believe I have them all memorized now / Nice Pete: Yes ok I will start with number one / ahem / [[Nice Pete gestures emphatically.]] / Nice Pete: FACT! Ridley's Black Oak Grill serves the best Clams Casino in the entire tri-county area! / Nice Pete: FACT! Ridley's Black Oak Grill will honor ANY competitors' coupon! / [[Nice Pete clenches his fist.]] / Nice Pete: FACT! COME TO RIDLEY'S BLACK OAK GRILL TONIGHT AND MEET THE GIRLS OF HARTZHEIM LINCOLN-MAZDA, CONVENIENTLY LOCATED AT 421 GRAND AVENUE! / [[Nice Pete listens.]] / [[Nice Pete looks dismayed.]] / [[Nice Pete looks angry.]] / Nice Pete: No this isn't Tim from accounting ! / [[Nice Pete looks really pissed.]] / Nice Pete: Well next time I "spend all night snorting huge rails of coke and doing push-ups to old Sam Kinison routines" maybe I just WILL call again !
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12082005
Achewood - December 8, 2006 "Do trees get hurt if you nail a tree house to them? Yes, but in a way that is hard to care about, says Teodor."
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12082006
Achewood - December 8, 2006 Friday Facts! / / / by Philippe, editor-in-chief! / / DID YOU KNOW... / According to Roast Beef, he was listening to “The Cars” at a stop light on Friday afternoon, and a construction guy pulled up next to him in a big truck. The guy gave him a thumbs up and then peeled out right as the light changed! / The scariest invention around? The lawnmower. Stop and think about it: can you believe the government lets us have them?! (Hint: they can kill any of us in under a second if the situation is right) / Some say the first CANDY BAR was under two inches long, and slightly irregular! / Lyle made me take a sip of vodka, “or else!” I don't drink or take drugs (except kids’ Motrin), and I hated it. It hurt my lips, tongue, inside my neck, and the top of my stomach. / As you read this, somewhere a blue whale is more than a mile under water, in complete blackness, sucking a giant squid into his mouth (mouth = size of a garage door). That is radical! / / / / / In this picture the squid is almost winning, but that never really happens. / ___AFRICA_CORNER_____________ / People in Africa still listen to tapes! / ________________________________ / / Do trees get hurt if you nail a tree house to them? Yes, but in a way that is hard to care about, says Téodor. / You know who never gets to give a high-five after a job well done? A mortician. / If anyone ever asks you if you want a knuckle sandwich, don't try it out, even if they sense that it's your first time and they promise to grind their fist really slowly and carefully into your mouth. / How do old ladies die? It doesn't seem like old ladies should die where anyone can watch. I bet there is a special room under churches. / MORE NO-HIGH-FIVES: The cop who has to shoot people that jump off of tall buildings (before they hit the ground). Saddest job in the world, anyone? Thanks, L.B.! / IDEA: Old ladies all have the same haircut...I bet they tell their beauticians their plans. Beauticians? Write to me! / ____________________________ / Note from Roast Beef, paste-up manager: I don't know why the kid is so morbid this week maybe it's the weather
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12082006
Achewood - December 8, 2006 {{Archive title: Friday Facts December 2006}} / [[Masthead]] / The Philippe Times / Is it rude to want things for Christmas? / Vol 8 No. 7 / Friday Facts! / by Philippe, editor-in-chief! / [[Insert: picture of Philippe smoking a cigarette with "X" eyes.]] / What happens if kids smoke (die) / DID YOU KNOW... / According to Roast Beef, he was listening to "The Cars" at a stoplight on Friday afternoon, and a construction guy pulled up next to him in a big truck. The guy gave him a thumbs up and then peeled out right as the light changed! / The scariest invention around? The lawnmower. Stop and think about it: can you believe the government lets us have them?! (Hint: they can kill any of us in under a second if the situation is right) / Some say the first CANDY BAR was under two inches long, and slightly irregular! / Lyle made me take a sip of vodka, "or else!" I don't drink or take drugs (except kids' Motrin), and I hated it. It hurt my lips, tongue, inside my neck, and the top of my stomach. / As you read this, somewhere a blue whale is more than a mile underwater, in complete blackness, sucking a giant squid into his mouth (mouth = size of a garage door). That is radical! / [[Insert: vintage ilustration of a blue whale consuming a giant squid]] / In this picture the squid is almost winning, but that never really happens. / AFRICA CORNER / People in Africa still listen to tapes! / Do trees get hurt if you nail a tree house to them? Yes, but in a way that is hard to care about, says Téodor. / You know who never gets to give a high-five after a job well done? A mortician. / If anyone ever asks you if you want a knuckle sandwich, don't try it out, even if they sense that it's your first time and they promise to grind their fist really slowly and carefully into your mouth. / How do old ladies die? It doesn't seem like old ladies should die where anyone can watch. I bet there is a special room under churches. / MORE NO HIGH-FIVES: The cop who has to shoot people that jump off of tall buildings (before they hit the ground). Saddest job in the world, anyone? Thanks, L.B.! / IDEA: Old ladies all have the same haircut...I bet they tell their beauticians their plans. Beauticians? Write to me! / Note from Roast Beef, paste-up manager: I don't know why the kid is so morbid this week maybe it's the weather / {{alt-text: It's Friday! After work, have some beer and go on a cussabout.}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12082006
Achewood - December 9, 2002 <> / [[In the Galaxie. Ray stretches as he wakes up]] / Ray: Dang, Beef! How long I been asleep for? / [[Beef is behind the wheel]] / Roast Beef: Fourteen hours / Roast Beef: I was startin to wonder what in hell was wrong with you / Ray: Damn, I'm sorry! You been drivin' this whole time? / Roast Beef: This car is a thing of beauty / [[Long shot of the car on the open road. Save for a mountain range at the horizon, the landscape is featureless]] / Ray: Where are we? / Roast Beef: Just passed Bakersfield / Ray: Say, they got a real nice underground over there in Mojave! Let's check it out! / Roast Beef: Alright / Ray: Yeah, my cousin told me how to find it! / Ray: I got the directions right here...it's pretty well hid... / {{Title: A FEW HOURS LATER}} / [[Night-time. The car is parked outside a featureless bar called 'The Peppermint Honcho'.]] / {{alt-text: "it takes four hours to get from the peninsula to Bakersfield"}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12092002
Achewood - December 9, 2002 [[In the Galaxie car. Ray stretches as he wakes up]] / <> / Ray: Dang, Beef! How long I been asleep for? / [[Beef is behind the wheel]] / Roast Beef: Fourteen hours / Roast Beef: I was startin to wonder what in hell was wrong with you / Ray: Damn, I'm sorry! You been drivin' this whole time? / Roast Beef: This car is a thing of beauty / [[Long shot of the car on the open road. Save for a mountain range at the horizon, the landscape is featureless]] / Ray: Where are we? / Roast Beef: Just passed Bakersfield / Ray: Say, they got a real nice underground over there in Mojave! Let's check it out! / Roast Beef: Alright / Ray: Yeah, my cousin told me how to find it! / Ray: I got the directions right here...it's pretty well hid... / [[Night-time. The car is parked outside a featureless bar called 'The Peppermint Honcho'. Panel caption: A FEW HOURS LATER]] / {{alt-text: "it takes four hours to get from the peninsula to Bakersfield"}} / {{Archive title: The Peppermint Honcho}}
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12092002
 

Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 >>