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| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02022012">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02022012 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - February 3, 2004 | [[Roast Beef and Ray sit at a table. Beef is wearing a shirt and tie, in front of him is a pen and paper]]
/ {{Beef's dialogue appears as drawn, characteriscally without punctuation.}}
/ Roast Beef: Alright Ray if you're gonna donate money to the Philippe campaign we gotta make sure your books are all in order
/ Roast Beef: Okay let's see here / Roast Beef: Why did you send a check for $10,000 to "Oreos"
/ Ray: I like their product! I wanted 'em to have a little walkin' around money! / Roast Beef: Okay alright
/ Roast Beef: Now every month I see a $900 check made out to "V.I.P. Entertainment Concepts"
/ Roast Beef: What is that all about / [[Ray looks embarassed and stares into his martini glass]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02032004 |
| Achewood - February 3, 2005 | Click Robot: NOW WE EVEN
/ Click Robot: BUT REMEMBER
/ Click Robot: YOU STEP TO ME
/ Click Robot: I BRING THE PAIN
/ Click Robot: WHITE BOY / [[Teodor plays guitar to commemorate death of Click Robot, song described as "Play this reverently, like a king is burying his baby son.]] / [[Philippe, dressed in a crown and robe in the manner of a king, lays Click Robot in a tiny grave.]] / Philippe: I'm sorry that I didn't like you, little guy. / [[Philippe looks mournfully into the grave. Click robot just lies there.]] / {{Barre the B-chord on the top three}}
/ {{MIDI mockup of guitar song: http://www.zshare.net/audio/4981204f4fbe5e/}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02032005 |
| Achewood - February 3, 2005 | Click Robot: NOW WE EVEN
/ Click Robot: BUT REMEMBER
/ Click Robot: YOU STEP TO ME
/ Click Robot: I BRING THE PAIN
/ Click Robot: WHITE BOY / [[Teodor plays guitar to commemorate death of Click Robot, song described as "Play this reverently, like a king is burying his baby son.]] / [[Philippe, dressed in a crown and robe in the manner of a king, lays Click Robot in a tiny grave.]] / Philippe: I'm sorry that I didn't like you, little guy. / [[Philippe looks mournfully into the grave. Click robot just lies there.]] / {{Barre the B-chord on the top three}}
/ {{MIDI mockup of guitar song: http://www.zshare.net/audio/4981204f4fbe5e/}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02032005 |
| Achewood - February 3, 2005 | Click Robot: NOW WE EVEN
/ Click Robot: BUT REMEMBER
/ Click Robot: YOU STEP TO ME
/ Click Robot: I BRING THE PAIN
/ Click Robot: WHITE BOY / [[Teodor plays guitar to commemorate death of Click Robot, song described as "Play this reverently, like a king is burying his baby son.]] / [[Philippe, dressed in a crown and robe in the manner of a king, lays Click Robot in a tiny grave.]] / Philippe: I'm sorry that I didn't like you, little guy. / [[Philippe looks mournfully into the grave. Click robot just lies there.]] / {{Barre the B-chord on the top three}}
/ {{MIDI mockup of guitar song: http://www.zshare.net/audio/4981204f4fbe5e/}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02032005 |
| Achewood - February 3, 2006 | Roast Beef: Dogg what is this I'm hearing around the water cooler about you entering the Great Outdoor Fight
/ Is that sass in the main / Ray: Oh yeah, been meanin' to tell you. Gonna go fulfill my destiny down there.
/ Every man has a destiny that defines who he is, Beef. This is mine. / Roast Beef: Attention Workers it has been 127 days since our last dumbest workplace sentence / Ray: Serious. Mom had a little burn on and dropped that my dad was Rodney Leonard Stubbs.
/ It's in my blood, Beef. / [[A thought balloon appears over Beef's head as he pictures Ramses Luther Smuckles, then Ray]] / Roast Beef's thoughts: Rodney Leonard Stubbs == Ramses Luther Smuckles / Roast Beef's thoughts: Oh my god just like the greats he protected his family by fighting under a Soubriquet Rouge! / Roast Beef: Dude no way!
/ You are like American royalty!
/ Ray: Heh! Yeah. / Roast Beef: Serious dude in the 1973 Fight your dad pioneered some of the rawest moves in modern brawling!
/ He was like the Thomas Edison of handing a dude his ass! / [[A beer bottle spins through Carl Veldt's head]]
/ Roast Beef: Threw a beer through Carl Veldt's head...
/ ...perfect spiral, scientists are still figuring it out... / [[Hands tear a strip off Fancy Mark Clancy's torso]]
/ Roast Beef: Tore off Fancy Mark Clancy's entire middle...
/ ...no one said it could be done... / Ray: Dang, Beef. You are a total scholar of the Fight. You... wanna be my roadie?
/ Roast Beef: Oh necessarily / {{Alt text: Carl Veldt Grimps, DQ, 2/6/73}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02032006 |
| Achewood - February 3, 2006 | Roast Beef: Dogg what is this I'm hearing around the water cooler about you entering the Great Outdoor Fight
/ Is that sass in the main / Ray: Oh yeah, been meanin' to tell you. Gonna go fulfill my destiny down there.
/ Every man has a destiny that defines who he is, Beef. This is mine. / Roast Beef: Attention Workers it has been 127 days since our last dumbest workplace sentence / Ray: Serious. Mom had a little burn on and dropped that my dad was Rodney Leonard Stubbs.
/ It's in my blood, Beef. / [[A thought balloon appears over Beef's head as he pictures Ramses Luther Smuckles, then Ray]] / Roast Beef's thoughts: Rodney Leonard Stubbs == Ramses Luther Smuckles / Roast Beef's thoughts: Oh my god just like the greats he protected his family by fighting under a Soubriquet Rouge! / Roast Beef: Dude no way!
/ You are like American royalty!
/ Ray: Heh! Yeah. / Roast Beef: Serious dude in the 1973 Fight your dad pioneered some of the rawest moves in modern brawling!
/ He was like the Thomas Edison of handing a dude his ass! / [[A beer bottle spins through Carl Veldt's head]]
/ Roast Beef: Threw a beer through Carl Veldt's head...
/ ...perfect spiral, scientists are still figuring it out... / [[Hands tear a strip off Fancy Mark Clancy's torso]]
/ Roast Beef: Tore off Fancy Mark Clancy's entire middle...
/ ...no one said it could be done... / Ray: Dang, Beef. You are a total scholar of the Fight. You... wanna be my roadie?
/ Roast Beef: Oh necessarily / {{Alt text: Carl Veldt Grimps, DQ, 2/6/73}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02032006 |
| Achewood - February 4, 2002 | [[Phillipe walks past a single french fry in a carton.]]
/ French Fry: ||| ||||| |||? / Phillipe: What did you say, french fry?
/ French Fry: ||| ||||| |||? / Phillipe: Of course it's fun to be able to walk!
/ French Fry: |||| || |||? / Phillipe:What?
/ French Fry: |||| || |||? / Phillipe:Hmmm. I could put you in a rollerskate...would you like that?
/ French Fry: |||| |||! / [[Phillipe pushes the french fry in the rollerskate.]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02042002 |
| Asleep Style | [[Ray and Beef in the car. It is night.]]
/ Ray: You ever heard of "Asleep Style"? / Beef: What do you mean / Ray: It's like a sex position. But it's also kind of like a sex concept. / Beef: Can't say I read too much about folks gettin' it on Asleep Style no / Ray: The idea is that you ask the lady to wait until you're good and sound asleep... and then get it on with you real careful so you don't wake up. I had Tina try it on me. / Beef: Did it work / [[Ray muses.]] / Ray: Who knows, man. Who knows. / {{alt text: Have you ever heard of Asleep Doggy Style, it is ALMOST impossible}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02042003 |
| Asleep Style | [[Ray and Beef in the car. It is night.]]
/ Ray: You ever heard of "Asleep Style"? / Beef: What do you mean / Ray: It's like a sex position. But it's also kind of like a sex concept. / Beef: Can't say I read too much about folks gettin' it on Asleep Style no / Ray: The idea is that you ask the lady to wait until you're good and sound asleep... and then get it on with you real careful so you don't wake up. I had Tina try it on me. / Beef: Did it work / [[Ray muses.]] / Ray: Who knows, man. Who knows. / {{alt text: Have you ever heard of Asleep Doggy Style, it is ALMOST impossible}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02042003 |
| Achewood - February 4, 2004 | [[We see the back of Ray's head, and Roast Beef sitting across him from a table, with pen and paper in hand]]
/ Ray; No, no, nothin' like that.
/ Underground street dancing.
/ WAY underground. / [[Close-up on Ray, holding a martini]]
/ Ray; All the most experimental moves, the rawest beats...
/ Some nights I'd go home with Dolphin burns over 80% of my chest. / [[Close-up on Roast Beef]]
/ Roast Beef; So these dudes have those tapes and you're paying to keep them out of circulation / [[Close-up on Ray]]
/ Ray; I danced under a fake name and all...everybody did...but I just can't risk the exposure. / [[VHS tape cover, depicting Ray breakdancing with a censor bar covering his eyes]]
/ V.I.P. Entertainment Concepts presents
/ Tim Simmons
/ In
/ THE DUDE HAS GOT NO MERCY
/ VHS / {{alt text: http://rap.about.com/library/blbreakdanceworm.htm}}
/ {{image links to http://rap.about.com/library/blbreakdanceworm.htm}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02042004 |
| Achewood - February 4, 2005 | {{click robot lays on ground}} / {{Phillipe stars angrily at click robot, "Screw You, Man" burned into his chest}} / {{Mr. Bear enters}}
/ Mr. Bear: Phillipe! What a highly inadvisable piece of body art! / Mr. Bear: "Screw you, man." Why, I never. Go home at once. I expect you are in very deep trouble. / {{cut to Emiril and Spongebath}}
/ Emeril: Lord thou giveth in mysterious ways but thine grace is great on this day / {{The Tenmen are playing in Ray's tub as Emeril, Spongebath, Lyle, Vlad, and Andy party in Ray's bathroom while Ray sits by the toilet sipping a martini}} / {{cut to a dancing click robot}}
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02042005 |
| Achewood - February 4, 2008 | Ray [[into phone]]: Uh, mom? Can I ask you something?
/ Sondra [[from phone]]: Why certainly, Raymond. / Ray [[into phone]]: Um, if I can't be President, can I... can I be a Mayor instead? / Sondra [[into phone]]: Mayor is fine, dear. I would be very proud if my son was a nice, safe mayor, sitting in his office with his hair combed just right.
/ Ray [[from phone]]: OK, mom. I will try to be a mayor instead. / Sondra [[into phone]]: You *would* wear a tie, would you Raymond? I see so many mayors gallivanting around in golf shirts these days, it just breaks my heart.
/ Ray [[from phone]]: I -- of course! I ain't wanna be, "The Mayor That Let His Momma Down!" / Ray [[into phone]]: I mean, heh, that ain't no kind of re-election slogan!
/ Sondra [[from phone]]: Now you just tell me when you are running for mayor and I will come and clap for you. / Ray [[into phone]]: Oh, mom! You ain't got to come and clap for me!
/ Sondra [[from phone]]: I need SOMEBODY to clap for, Raymond. Lord knows I haven't clapped since I saw Grace Jones blow up in that movie. / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02042008 |
| Achewood § February 4, 2009 - Professor Gabriel | Lyle: I'm gettin' too old to play this game, man. / Téodor: Washing dishes at refried bean restaurants ? / Lyle: Back hurts every night, feet swell up so bad it stings to peel my socks off... / Lyle:... I fell down carryin' one 'a those rubber floor mats tonight and couldn't get up for almost a minute. / Téodor: Why don't you teach a class in real-world restaurant culture at the cooking school? / Lyle: Huh! You know I been makin' my bones in dumps and dives longer'n those pimply goons been alive... you might have something there! / Téodor: Put together a proposal for a lesson plan, I'll type it up for you and hammer out the language. I used to do a bit of copy-writing, I can mimic that kind of thing. / Lyle: Shit! Me, a fuckin' teacher! ACE OF GRADES! / Narration: Soon
/ {{Follows typed out course proposal. Format accurate to strip including line breaks etc.}}
/ COURSE PROPOSAL
/ "Real Kitchens 101," taught by Lyle R. Gabriel / WEEK ONE
/ Tues.
/ Students come into my classroom. I call them pinche cabrons and tell them "Hector" will "fuck them in the culo" if they fail at their tasks. Because my feet are on my desk and I am reading Screw, it is implied I have no problem with this.
/ Thurs.
/ Students peel seven hundred pounds of potatoes to gangster rap about burning down zoos and hitting women with golf clubs. They are told not to come back. / WEEK TWO
/ Tues.
/ I am passed out at my desk with an empy bottle of Cutty Shark. Students are allowed to offer me cocaine, though there is no signage.
/ Thurs.
/ I'm not there. Geno "The Situation" Gasparelli tells everyone they aren't getting paid for last week.. All boys are fired, girls are told to come back in something black and tight. / WEEK THREE
/ Tues.
/ Basic sanitation; cross contamination; mise en place. Knife skills.
/ Thurs.
/ Veal Marsala with wild rice pilaf and julienne veg. / WEEK FOUR
/ Tues.
/ I announce that our "restaurant" is going to be a Turkish place starting next week, and brief them on the new menu. Halfway through class, I get a phone call that it'll actually be "slow-comfort tapas fusion." I walk out in disgust.
/ Thurs.
/ A seminar on Tex Mex-inspired "gringo sushi" construction, held by Geno. He wears sunglasses the entire time, and seems to have the sniffles. / WEEK FIVE
/ Tues.
/ [Field Trip: The Mud Scow, pint Jacks night]
/ Thurs.
/ Last day of class. We pay off the night porter with seven bottles of half-empty DeKuyper's, pour Plaster of Paris in all the sinks, dump the trash bins on the floor, and prop the back door open for raccoons. Geno slips everyone a C-note and tells them to get lost. I move to Spokane to run a breakfast joint for awhile; turns out a guy just quit this morning.
/ {{Course proposal ends}}
/ Alt Text: Everyone always hates week three. Like calculus it's straight Maaaaannnn When Are We Ever Gonna Use Thiiiiis. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02042009 |
| Achewood - February 5, 2002 | [[French Fry is in a rollerskate, Philipe is kneeling beside it]]
/ Philippe: What? Now you want to climb a tree? You sure have a lot of dreams for a french fry!
/ French Fry: ii iii ii! / [[Philippe and French fry sitting on a tree branch]]
/ Philippe: Well, how do you like it up here?
/ French Fry: ii ii! / Philippe: Yeah, I guess it is pretty scary / [[Philippe looks concerned]]
/ French Fry: ii i iii iii? / [[Philippe looks happy again]]
/ Philippe: Ha ha! Yeah, of course you can! / [[French Fry spits off the branch]]
/ French Fry: < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02052002 |
| Achewood - February 5, 2003 | [[Philippe is in a treehouse]]
/ Téodor: Philippe! I'm making Five Dollar Chili! Come on down!
/ Philippe: I'm not coming down until I lose ten pounds!
/ Téodor: That's no way to diet! Come on down and I'll make you a salad.
/ Philippe: Will you put all the dressings into bowls with different ladles?
/ Téodor: OK! / Philippe: Can we listen to the Ford Trucks song?
/ Téodor: Twice! / [[Téodor waits]] / Philippe: Do...do you have any... Vicodin?
/ Téodor: What?! / Philippe: From...from when you had your...wisdom teeth out?
/ Téodor: Why are you asking me about that? / [[inside treehouse]]
/ Todd: Y-y-you sounded too desperate! You blew it!
/ Philippe: I don't even want Vicodin, Todd! All I want is nachos! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02052003 |
| Achewood - February 5, 2003 | [[Philippe is in a treehouse]]
/ Téodor: Philippe! I'm making Five Dollar Chili! Come on down!
/ Philippe: I'm not coming down until I lose ten pounds!
/ Téodor: That's no way to diet! Come on down and I'll make you a salad.
/ Philippe: Will you put all the dressings into bowls with different ladles?
/ Téodor: OK! / Philippe: Can we listen to the Ford Trucks song?
/ Téodor: Twice! / [[Téodor waits]] / Philippe: Do...do you have any... Vicodin?
/ Téodor: What?! / Philippe: From...from when you had your...wisdom teeth out?
/ Téodor: Why are you asking me about that? / [[inside treehouse]]
/ Todd: Y-y-you sounded too desperate! You blew it!
/ Philippe: I don't even want Vicodin, Todd! All I want is nachos! / {{Have you heard of doing it Vicodin Style. The man is in the other room smiling and the lady is asleep.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02052003 |
| Achewood - February 5, 2004 | Roast Beef: Alright Philippe the next move is to name your running mate / Philippe: How about Todd? Todd's funny. Everyone likes Todd! Let's use Todd! / Roast Beef: Oh uh I got the numbers on Todd / Roast Beef: Polls show that he is actively disliked by females, ethnic groups, religious groups... / Roast Beef: ...and males who have just made or have just purchased nachos / Roast Beef: Plus Todd has that two panel tattoo of KISS going to the grocery store and then comparing their you-know-whats to the yams / {{Alt Text: It's across his chest}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02052004 |
| Achewood - February 5, 2004 | [[Roast Beef, wearing a shirt and tie, is sitting at a table, talking to Philippe, and taking notes]]
/ Roast Beef: Alright Philippe the next move is to name your running mate / Philippe: How about Todd?
/ Philippe: Todd's funny.
/ Philippe: Everyone likes Todd!
/ Philippe: Let's use Todd! / [[Roast Beef looks down at his notes]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh I got the numbers on Todd / Roast Beef: Polls show that he is actively disliked by females, ethnic groups, religious groups... / [[Philippe looks sad]]
/ Roast Beef: ...and males who have just made or have just purchased nachos / [[Roast Beef looking up again]]
/ Roast Beef: Plus Todd has that two panel tattoo of KISS going to the grocery store and then comparing their you-know-whats to the yams / {{title text: It's across his chest}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02052004 |
| Achewood - February 5, 2007 | [[Ray is at the computer as Teodor walks in.]] / Teodor: You had a bunch of stuff overflowing your mailbox. Here.
/ Ray: Thanks, hometicket. Put it anywhere, I'll find it. / Teodor: "Tostada" magazine? What's that all about?
/ Ray: That's all the latest with tostadas. / [[Teodor flips through the magazine.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02052007 |
| Achewood - February 5, 2007 | [[Ray is at the computer as Teodor walks in.]] / Teodor: You had a bunch of stuff overflowing your mailbox. Here.
/ Ray: Thanks, hometicket. Put it anywhere, I'll find it. / Teodor: "Tostada" magazine? What's that all about?
/ Ray: That's all the latest with tostadas. / [[Teodor flips through the magazine.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02052007 |
| Achewood - February 5, 2007 | [[Ray is at the computer as Teodor walks in carrying a pile of mail.]] / Teodor: You had a bunch of stuff overflowing your mailbox. Here.
/ Ray: Thanks, hometicket. Put it anywhere, I'll find it. / [[Teodor picks out a magazine from the mail.]]
/ Teodor: "Tostada" magazine? What's that all about?
/ Ray: That's all the latest with tostadas. / [[Teodor flips through the magazine.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02052007 |
| Achewood - February 5, 2008 | Cornelius: You've been a bit of a mope lately, Teodor.
/ Teodor: sigh. / Teodor: All I do is put on my pants, watch reruns on YouTube, then take my pants back off again and stuff myself into bed. I don't even play the guitar anymore, and when I get hungry I just flip through the same six takeout menus. / Cornelius: Sounds like you've got a bit of the wintertime blues. You know, Molly got Roast Beef one of those... "season happiness lamps," if that's the term I want. You ought to go see if you can't sit under it for a spell. / SOON. [[Teodor stands outside Roast and Molly's window]]
/ Roast Beef: OOOH YEAH BABY SHINE THAT LAMP
/ Roast Beef: SHINE THAT LAMP ON THIS SAD, SAD MAN
/ Molly: YEAH? YOU LIKE THAT, YOU BIG, SAD BOY? / [[Teodor considerably perturbed]]
/ Roast Beef: OOOH YEAH BABY NOW SHINE THAT THING UNDER THE COVERS YOU ABOUT TO MEET DRACULA MWWWAH-HA-HA
/ Molly: GOODNESS, I SEE ONE PART OF YOU THAT DOESN'T LOOK SAD! HELLO, MISTER DRACULA! / [[Teodor walks away in a huff, Roast and Molly continue]]
/ Roast Beef: DRRRACULA WANTS YOU TO WEAR THE SPECIAL PURPLE PUMPS
/ Molly: BUT THOSE MAKE ME LOOK CHEAP, MISTER DRACULA!
/ Roast Beef: DRACULA DON'T GOT MUCH MONEY THIS WEEK MWWWAH-HA-HA http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02052008 |
| Achewood - February 5, 2008 | Cornelius: You've been a bit of a mope lately, Teodor.
/ Teodor: sigh. / Teodor: All I do is put on my pants, watch reruns on YouTube, then take my pants back off again and stuff myself into bed. I don't even play the guitar anymore, and when I get hungry I just flip through the same six takeout menus. / Cornelius: Sounds like you've got a bit of the wintertime blues. You know, Molly got Roast Beef one of those... "season happiness lamps," if that's the term I want. You ought to go see if you can't sit under it for a spell. / SOON. [[Teodor stands outside Roast and Molly's window]]
/ Roast Beef: OOOH YEAH BABY SHINE THAT LAMP
/ Roast Beef: SHINE THAT LAMP ON THIS SAD, SAD MAN
/ Molly: YEAH? YOU LIKE THAT, YOU BIG, SAD BOY? / [[Teodor considerably perturbed]]
/ Roast Beef: OOOH YEAH BABY NOW SHINE THAT THING UNDER THE COVERS YOU ABOUT TO MEET DRACULA MWWWAH-HA-HA
/ Molly: GOODNESS, I SEE ONE PART OF YOU THAT DOESN'T LOOK SAD! HELLO, MISTER DRACULA! / [[Teodor walks away in a huff, Roast and Molly continue]]
/ Roast Beef: DRRRACULA WANTS YOU TO WEAR THE SPECIAL PURPLE PUMPS
/ Molly: BUT THOSE MAKE ME LOOK CHEAP, MISTER DRACULA!
/ Roast Beef: DRACULA DON'T GOT MUCH MONEY THIS WEEK MWWWAH-HA-HA http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02052008 |
| Achewood - February 6, 2002 | [[Philippe is lying in a field with French Fry. Both look positively complacent]]
/ French Fry: [illegible]... / Philippe: Yeah, I think everybody wishes they could fly. It's impossible, though. / French Fry: [illegible]!
/ Philippe: What?
/ [[Philippe rolls toward French Fry]] / French Fry: [illegible]! / [[Philippe gets on his knees]]
/ Philippe: Okay, but only if you think you're brave enough!
/ French Fry: [illegible]! / [[Philippe stands up. He is now tossing French Fry in the air]] / {{Things are ominously cute with french fry around.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062002 |
| Some Subway Would Punish | [[Ray and Roast Beef are driving at night in Beef's Galaxie.]]
/ Ray: Look at that! Only 240 miles home! You gonna be hungry before we get there?
/ Beef: Dang yeah I guess we ain't basically eaten in nearly a day / Ray: We gotta find us a Underground and grab us some Subway! / Beef: Oh man Subway would punish All Italian BMT with mustard on both sides
/ Beef: All parmesan oregano bread All baked Lay's / [[Ray dials Teodor up on his mobile phone.]]
/ Ray: Hey Teodor! It's Ray! Look, doggie, we gonna be home in a little while but we gotta get us some Subway first! Can you look on the Internet for-- / Ray: What? For real?
/ Beef: What's he sayin' / Ray: He says they got four new Subways in the neighborhood since we left!
/ Beef: Holy Dickens Hold onto your hangover Ray / [[The car speeds off.]]
/ Narrator: AND THUS THE CATS, EXCITED AT THE PROSPECT OF SANDWICHES, ARRIVED HOME FROM THEIR LONG JOURNEY ABROAD JUST ONE HOUR LATER. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062003 |
| Achewood - February 6, 2004 | [[Phillippe looking happy in his suit]]
/ Phillippe: I still think it would be fun if Todd was my vice president!
/ I don't care what ANYONE says! / [[Roast Beef looking down at notes]]
/ Beef: Okay fine let's have him in for an interview / [[Beneath the supertitle "SOON", Roast Beef sits at a table, pen and paper in hand]]
/ Beef: So uh Todd what is your position on reproductive rights for women / [[Todd sits at the other end of the table, arms open wide]]
/ Todd: Bitches gotta take their cunt pills! I ain't wearin' no gunny sack! / [[Beef, staring blankly at Todd, thinks]]
/ Beef: Oh my god that is the worst possible answer in the universe / [[Beef looks back down at his paper]]
/ Beef: Hm very interesting
/ Okay um where do you stand on gay marriage / [[Todd points at Roast Beef in a sassy manner]]
/ Todd: The only gay dude I'M marryin' is a dumb broad with a big veiny rack! / [Beneath the supertitle "SEVERAL HOURS LATER", Roast Beef and Todd are still seated at the table; Todd appears to be shrugging]]
/ Beef: ...and your stance on the tobacco industry
/ Todd: Get ridda' the filters! I hate suckin' on that Kotex! / {{alt text: "Todd is kind of like a small Diceman it seems" http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062004 |
| Achewood - February 6, 2004 | [[Phillippe looking happy in his suit]]
/ Phillippe: I still think it would be fun if Todd was my vice president!
/ I don't care what ANYONE says! / [[Roast Beef looking down at notes]]
/ Beef: Okay fine let's have him in for an interview / [[Beneath the supertitle "SOON", Roast Beef sits at a table, pen and paper in hand]]
/ Beef: So uh Todd what is your position on reproductive rights for women / [[Todd sits at the other end of the table, arms open wide]]
/ Todd: Bitches gotta take their cunt pills! I ain't wearin' no gunny sack! / [[Beef, staring blankly at Todd, thinks]]
/ Beef: Oh my god that is the worst possible answer in the universe / [[Beef looks back down at his paper]]
/ Beef: Hm very interesting
/ Okay um where do you stand on gay marriage / [[Todd points at Roast Beef in a sassy manner]]
/ Todd: The only gay dude I'M marryin' is a dumb broad with a big veiny rack! / [Beneath the supertitle "SEVERAL HOURS LATER", Roast Beef and Todd are still seated at the table; Todd appears to be shrugging]]
/ Beef: ...and your stance on the tobacco industry
/ Todd: Get ridda' the filters! I hate suckin' on that Kotex! / {{alt text: "Todd is kind of like a small Diceman it seems" http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062004 |
| Achewood - February 6, 2006 | [[Title on first panel: ON THE ROAD TO THE GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT]]
/ [[Roast Beef is driving a motorcycle to the Acres, for the Great Outdoor Fight. Ray is in his sidecar. They are on a lonely road in the middle of nowhere.]]
/ Roast Beef: Well I mean I would bet basically one dude or maybe none in a million knows the Fight like I do
/ Roast Beef: This is not to brag
/ Ray: Serious? / Roast Beef: Dogg it is brain tape since young times / Ray: Yeah? Who won the first Fight, then?
/ Roast Beef: You mean at the current Acres or the first few years at Ken Crandall's farm
/ Ray: Damn. Nice, Beef. / Ray: So...so what's the main thing I got to know goin' into this? / Roast Beef: The fight is three days which is enough time for an ad hoc culture to form
/ Roast Beef: Two armies typically arise and their pawns are sent to the front / Roast Beef: It's rumored that the army leaders often fight only on days one and three and traditionally feast on turkeys and brandy on day two / Ray: Damn. Sounds like I got to be an army leader. Are there side dishes? / Roast Beef: So on day one you got to kick just rich amounts of ass with a remarkable style
/ Roast Beef: Build a reputation / Ray: Yeah, that shouldn't be a problem. How do I get a group to follow me after that, though? / Roast Beef: Men are of two kinds / Roast Beef: When contained...
/ Roast Beef: They either want to be a hero or be with a hero / Roast Beef: Plenty of dudes will side with you if they know you are Rodney Leonard Stubbs' son
/ Roast Beef: Delegate them to the front lines according to strength
/ Roast Beef: Let the weakest lay waste to the weakest and so on in kind / Ray: And when it's day three, what do I do?
/ Roast Beef: We'll figure that out then / Ray: Dude, we'll be cut off from communicating during the...wait.
/ Ray: Beef, are you in the fight? / [[Roast Beef looks once towards Ray, his motorcycle eyepiece covering any sign of emotion.]] / [[Roast Beef looks back at the road.]] / {{Alt-Text: No dude in a million knows the fight so well}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062006 |
| Achewood - February 6, 2006 | [[Title on first panel: ON THE ROAD TO THE GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT]]
/ [[Roast Beef is driving a motorcycle to the Acres, for the Great Outdoor Fight. Ray is in his sidecar. They are on a lonely road in the middle of nowhere.]]
/ Roast Beef: Well I mean I would bet basically one dude or maybe none in a million knows the Fight like I do
/ Roast Beef: This is not to brag
/ Ray: Serious? / Roast Beef: Dogg it is brain tape since young times / Ray: Yeah? Who won the first Fight, then?
/ Roast Beef: You mean at the current Acres or the first few years at Ken Crandall's farm
/ Ray: Damn. Nice, Beef. / Ray: So...so what's the main thing I got to know goin' into this? / Roast Beef: The fight is three days which is enough time for an ad hoc culture to form
/ Roast Beef: Two armies typically arise and their pawns are sent to the front / Roast Beef: It's rumored that the army leaders often fight only on days one and three and traditionally feast on turkeys and brandy on day two / Ray: Damn. Sounds like I got to be an army leader. Are there side dishes? / Roast Beef: So on day one you got to kick just rich amounts of ass with a remarkable style
/ Roast Beef: Build a reputation / Ray: Yeah, that shouldn't be a problem. How do I get a group to follow me after that, though? / Roast Beef: Men are of two kinds / Roast Beef: When contained...
/ Roast Beef: They either want to be a hero or be with a hero / Roast Beef: Plenty of dudes will side with you if they know you are Rodney Leonard Stubbs' son
/ Roast Beef: Delegate them to the front lines according to strength
/ Roast Beef: Let the weakest lay waste to the weakest and so on in kind / Ray: And when it's day three, what do I do?
/ Roast Beef: We'll figure that out then / Ray: Dude, we'll be cut off from communicating during the...wait.
/ Ray: Beef, are you in the fight? / [[Roast Beef looks once towards Ray, his motorcycle eyepiece covering any sign of emotion.]] / [[Roast Beef looks back at the road.]] / {{Alt-Text: No dude in a million knows the fight so well}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062006 |
| Achewood - February 6, 2007 | [[Beef is sitting while reading. Ray is standing in an adjoining room with magazine in hand; they are having a largely one sided conversation.]] / Ray: What's the deal with Polack jokes, man? / Roast Beef: Yeah exactly / Ray: I mean, you ever met a Polish dude? They're little, and they can be pretty mad if someone is messing around, but they ain't dumb. / Roast Beef: That's just vestigial humour from the '50s I guess / Ray: I'm fine with jokes about Italians eatin' plastic fruit in a lobby, or Irish guys named Paddy who can't figure out how to walk down stairs, but I am just NOT down with Polack jokes. / Roast Beef: Okay / Ray: Gimme a Japanese dude gettin' arrested for throwin' up panty-hose at a city meeting, or a German who gets so bored by his haircut that he dies, but leave the Poles alone. / [[Ray throws his magazine to the floor]] / Ray: PFUH! Why do I even subscribe! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062007 |
| Achewood - February 6, 2007 | [[Beef is sitting in an armchair reading. Ray is standing in an adjoining room with magazine in hand; they are having a largely one sided conversation.]] / Ray: What's the deal with Polack jokes, man? / Roast Beef: Yeah exactly / Ray: I mean, you ever met a Polish dude? They're little, and they can be pretty mad if someone is messing around, but they ain't dumb. / Roast Beef: That's just vestigial humour from the '50s I guess / Ray: I'm fine with jokes about Italians eatin' plastic fruit in a lobby, or Irish guys named Paddy who can't figure out how to walk down stairs, but I am just NOT down with Polack jokes. / Roast Beef: Okay / Ray: Gimme a Japanese dude gettin' arrested for throwin' up panty-hose at a city meeting, or a German who gets so bored by his haircut that he dies, but leave the Poles alone. / [[Ray lets the magazine drop to the floor in disgust]] / Ray: PFUH! Why do I even subscribe! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062007 |
| Achewood - February 6, 2007 | [[Beef is sitting while reading. Ray is standing in an adjoining room with magazine in hand; they are having a largely one sided conversation.]] / Ray: What's the deal with Polack jokes, man?
/ Roast Beef: Yeah exactly / Ray: I mean, you ever met a Polish dude? They're little, and they can be pretty mad if someone is messing around, but they ain't dumb. / Roast Beef: That's just vestigial humour from the '50s I guess / Ray: I'm fine with jokes about Italians eatin' plastic fruit in a lobby, or Irish guys named Paddy who can't figure out how to walk down stairs, but I am just NOT down with Polack jokes.
/ Roast Beef: Okay / Ray: Gimme a Japanese dude gettin' arrested for throwin' up panty-hose at a city meeting, or a German who gets so bored by his haircut that he dies, but leave the Poles alone. / [[Ray throws his magazine to the floor]]
/ Ray: PFUH! Why do I even subscribe! / {{Alt text: Ray is down on his subscription to Polack Laffs.}}
/ {{Archive title: Polack Magazine}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062007 |
| Achewood - February 6, 2007 | [[Beef is sitting while reading. Ray is standing in an adjoining room with magazine in hand; they are having a largely one sided conversation.]]
/ Ray: What's the deal with Polack jokes, man?
/ Roast Beef: Yeah exactly / Ray: I mean, you ever met a Polish dude? They're little, and they can be pretty mad if someone is messing around, but they ain't dumb. / Roast Beef: That's just vestigial humour from the '50s I guess / Ray: I'm fine with jokes about Italians eatin' plastic fruit in a lobby, or Irish guys named Paddy who can't figure out how to walk down stairs, but I am just NOT down with Polack jokes.
/ Roast Beef: Okay / Ray: Gimme a Japanese dude gettin' arrested for throwin' up panty-hose at a city meeting, or a German who gets so bored by his haircut that he dies, but leave the Poles alone. / [[Ray throws his magazine to the floor]]
/ Ray: PFUH! Why do I even subscribe! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062007 |
| Achewood § February 6, 2009 | [[Fuck-you Friday!]] / [[Ray with a wood saw and 2x4. The radio is on. He is aghast.]]
/ Radio: How'd I live to be 106? Why, I'll tell you. Never drank, never smoked, and never did drugs! Never ran with wild women! I still go to work at 8am each day! / [[Ray, enraged, calling in to the radio show.]]
/ Ray: You know what else don't smoke, drink, or tap ass on a lazy Tuesday mornin'? Grocery carts with rain on the handle. Tanks. Morrissey. You ain't rad for suckin'; you're lame for bein'. / [[Teodor and Ray, face to face. Teodor is on the phone.]]
/ Teodor: It's Bill Cosby. He says if you have to drop an F-bomb to get a laugh, then you aren't working hard enough at your job.
/ Ray: Fuck him! Jokin' around ain't supposed to BE hard work!
/ Phone: WHAT...in the FLIBBIN' FLEEBIN' HECK! / [[Ray dining solo at a restaurant]]
/ Waiter: The rib-eye is thirty-five ninety-nine, sir.
/ Ray (to himself): Fuck you it is. In this economy, you're lucky I ain't just walk in here and put a shotgun in my mouth. / Ray: Tell you what. Bring me a bottle of your most on-the-house wine, and I'll let you smell my Caddy. Oh, and six bucks for the meat. I know you got to make a profit.
/ Waiter: Very good, sir. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062009 |
| a class="searchlink" href="http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062010">http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02062010 | [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!] |
| Achewood - February 7, 2002 | Philippe: There you go! What do you think?
/ French Fry: |||||| ||| ||||||||||||| !
/ Philippe: Ha ha! I guess you do look just like a skater!
/ Philippe: Wow! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02072002 |
| Achewood - February 7, 2003 | [[Ray and Roast Beef have parked and left the Galaxie, and are walking towards the Subway.]]
/ RAY: Oh man, I am gonna get six kinds of nasty on a Cold Cut Trio!
/ BEEF: You said it / [[Ray is at the counter, behind which Lyle is working.]]
/ RAY: Lyle! What it is, sucka!
/ LYLE: Welcome home, fellas. What'll it be? / [[Beef and Ray are sitting at one of the tables. Beef's eating a sandwich, while Ray, with sandwich and drink, is busy talking to Lyle.]]
/ BEEF: Mmm this sandwich is so good I feel like there's music coming outta my ears
/ RAY: So, Lyle! What's with all the new Subways in town? / LYLE [shaking his fist]: Bah! Those crooks! / BEEF [still eating his sub]: That's how Subway works man Like hamsters in a cage They just keep growin' the numbers till they kill each other back down to a sustainable level / LYLE: Did you guys know the real Jared died at a Subway in 1998?
/ RAY: Get outta here! Man, you've been readin' too much internet, Lyle! / [[Lyle leans over the counter, a deadly serious look on his face.]]
/ LYLE: The franchise owner stole his pants, and hired an actor named Dennis J. Carmichael to assume the identity of his "diet miracle boy". I don't need to tell you how he disposed of the body. / {{alt text: what is jared fogle the anagram of}} http://achewood.com/?date=02072003 |
| Achewood - February 7, 2003 | [[Ray and Beef are walking away from Beef's car, just parked.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02072003 |
| Achewood - February 7, 2003 | [[Ray and Beef are walking away from Beef's car, just parked.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02072003 |
| Achewood - February 7, 2003 | [[Ray and Beef are walking away from Beef's car, just parked.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02072003 |
| Achewood - February 7, 2003 | [[Ray and Beef are walking away from Beef's car, just parked.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02072003 |
| Little Nephew and Teodor Discuss Spaghetti | Little Nephew: Yo, what's that wicked faggy music you been playin, Teodor? / Teodor: It's called fingerstyle guitar. / Little Nephew: Faggotstyle? Is that what you said? Just now? / Teodor: Almost. You almost got it right. / Little Nephew: Phew, man. / Little Nephew: I've been feelin' pretty bad on myself lately, so I'm glad I got somethin' almost right. / Teodor: It's okay to be dumb, Little Nephew. The world will always need people who buy magazines about car stereos. / Little Nephew: Pfsh... yeah, but me? I ain't even that good at it! / Teodor: You can be the best at anything, if you try. Have you ever cooked spaghetti? / Little Nephew: Oh, yeah! I definitely like to cook that! In fact, I have a secret ingredient I use! / Teodor: Oh, like do you mean half an ounce of tomatoes? / Little Nephew: No, dried oregano! Here is that amount, though. / Teodor: I have a story to tell you about when I was five. According to my mom, I would always hide a hundred and fifty dollars in a package of lightbulbs in the linen closet. / {{alt text: Cue old timers groaning about the price of a lid}} / {{beneath the comic is an extra panel: Teodor's Smokin' Fingerstyle Guitar Corner and Recipe Shack}} / Intro: Play this as though the drug-addled starlet of the silver screen is driving fast -- way too fast -- about to plunge to {{sic}} her brand new 1938 Talbot-Lago through a restraining barrier and into the dark waters of the Pacific, which lie far below. Life has become too much for her... or has it? / Sequence One: "Life has become too much for her" / Quick Tempo; Standard Tuning; Play with Great Madness in your Heart / {{Guitar tabs follow}} / Tomorrow's recipe: Chicken! / {{end extra panel}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02072005 |
| Little Nephew and Teodor Discuss Spaghetti | Little Nephew: Yo, what's that wicked faggy music you been playin, Teodor? / Teodor: It's called fingerstyle guitar. / Little Nephew: Faggotstyle? Is that what you said? Just now? / Teodor: Almost. You almost got it right. / Little Nephew: Phew, man. / Little Nephew: I've been feelin' pretty bad on myself lately, so I'm glad I got somethin' almost right. / Teodor: It's okay to be dumb, Little Nephew. The world will always need people who buy magazines about car stereos. / Little Nephew: Pfsh... yeah, but me? I ain't even that good at it! / Teodor: You can be the best at anything, if you try. Have you ever cooked spaghetti? / Little Nephew: Oh, yeah! I definitely like to cook that! In fact, I have a secret ingredient I use! / Teodor: Oh, like do you mean half an ounce of tomatoes? / Little Nephew: No, dried oregano! Here is that amount, though. / Teodor: I have a story to tell you about when I was five. According to my mom, I would always hide a hundred and fifty dollars in a package of lightbulbs in the linen closet. / {{alt text: Cue old timers groaning about the price of a lid}} / {{beneath the comic is an extra panel: Teodor's Smokin' Fingerstyle Guitar Corner and Recipe Shack}} / Intro: Play this as though the drug-addled starlet of the silver screen is driving fast -- way too fast -- about to plunge to {{sic}} her brand new 1938 Talbot-Lago through a restraining barrier and into the dark waters of the Pacific, which lie far below. Life has become too much for her... or has it? / Sequence One: "Life has become too much for her" / Quick Tempo; Standard Tuning; Play with Great Madness in your Heart / {{Guitar tabs follow}} / Tomorrow's recipe: Chicken! / {{end extra panel}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02072005 |
| Achewood - February 7, 2006 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are riding in a motorcycle with a sidecar.]]
/ Ray: How the hell did you get into the Fight, Beef?! / Roast Beef: Let's just say their database is accessible via any networked computer / Ray: You HACKED your way into the Fight? / Ray: Still, man, you can't hack a massive furious Nazi from San Bernadino. You got to raise your fists! / Roast Beef: I ain't need no Dell Inspirion to bust a man down on into his component pieces / Ray: I know you like to read Nate Small and all, but when you ever been in any single fight? / [[Ray and Roast Beef are approaching a large, fenced-in compound.]]
/ Roast Beef: Well would you look at that here we are
/ Roast Beef: Watch this / [[Roast Beef runs a guy over, breaking his leg.]]
/ Random Guy: AUGH! / Ray: Dude! What the hell?!
/ Roast Beef: He won't compete but he'll be fine in a few weeks
/ Roast Beef: That part of the leg heals quickly / Ray: You did that on purpose? / Roast Beef: I ain't Frederick H. Coca-Cola but I do know something about building a brand / [[Roast Beef brings the motorcycle to a stop.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02072006 |
| Achewood - February 7, 2006 | [[Ray and Roast Beef are riding in a motorcycle with a sidecar.]]
/ Ray: How the hell did you get into the Fight, Beef?! / Roast Beef: Let's just say their database is accessible via any networked computer / Ray: You HACKED your way into the Fight? / Ray: Still, man, you can't hack a massive furious Nazi from San Bernadino. You got to raise your fists! / Roast Beef: I ain't need no Dell Inspirion to bust a man down on into his component pieces / Ray: I know you like to read Nate Small and all, but when you ever been in any single fight? / [[Ray and Roast Beef are approaching a large, fenced-in compound.]]
/ Roast Beef: Well would you look at that here we are
/ Roast Beef: Watch this / [[Roast Beef runs a guy over, breaking his leg.]]
/ Doyle Headley: AUGH! / Ray: Dude! What the hell?!
/ Roast Beef: He won't compete but he'll be fine in a few weeks
/ Roast Beef: That part of the leg heals quickly / Ray: You did that on purpose? / Roast Beef: I ain't Frederick H. Coca-Cola but I do know something about building a brand / [[Roast Beef brings the motorcycle to a stop.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02072006 |
| Achewood - February 8, 2002 | Phillip: HEEE / Phillip: EEEEE / Phillip: ELLL / Phillip: LLLLP! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02082002 |
| Gossipy hot dog chef | [[Roast Beef is at a Snacks stand]]
/ Roast Beef: Hey buddy you know who I'm drivin' in that sidecar / [[The chef takes out a hot dog. There is a menu behind him that reads:
/ COLA
/ WHISKEY
/ DOUBLE UP
/ TRI-TIP
/ CHX/CHZ
/ POLISH
/ BIG DOG
/ WRINGER
/ TURKEY]]
/ Hot Dog Chef: Three bucks for the Polish, pencil neck. / [[Beef points back to his motorcycle]]
/ Roast Beef: That's the only son of Rodney Leonard Stubbs
/ He's fightin' this year / [[Hot Dog Chef pictures Rodney]] / [[Hot Dog Chef pictures Ray]] / Hot Dog Chef: Well I'll be damned. The Man With The Blood On His Hands. / [[Roast Beef takes out his wallet]]
/ Roast Beef: He kicked Envelỏpe Martinez's ass last week
/ Ate part of his face / [[Roast Beef leaves five dollars on the counter and walks away]]
/ Roast Beef: Keep the change amigo
/ You're good people / [[Hot Dog Chef picks up a phone]]
/ Hot Dog Chef: Tower One! You know those two guys just ran over Doyle Headley in the parkin' lot?
/ One of 'em's Rodney Leonard Stubbs' boy! / Hot Dog Chef: Say, what's the latest on Martinez? Wasn't he gonna do color this year?
/ Plastic surgery? Lost a fight? Okay, boss, I read you. / [[Hot Dog Chef touches the fiver]]
/ Hot Dog Chef: The other dude?
/ ...nice guy. He's good people.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02082006 |
| Achewood - February 8, 2007 | Téodor: Todd! I thought you died and went to heaven! / Todd: Y-Y-Yeah, but I'm back now, ya flippin' ass-jack! 'Syer mom still a putz?
/ Téodor: How'd you get out this time? / Todd: They just m-m-made me watch some videos about not whackin' off. Also I hadda rotate this guy Fat Slimmy's tires. / Téodor: What had you been doing for the other three months?
/ Todd: This guy Ricky Craponi showed me how ta make a bong outta a pair 'a scissors an' some dice! / Téodor: Wow. When you go to heaven, you kind of make a little prison stint out of it. Were you anybody's heaven-bitch?
/ Todd: They ain't allow guys to bitch-up in heaven! Frikkin' beats the pen hands down! I never been off my knees so long! / Téodor: I didn't know you were always getting terror-laid in the big house. Maybe you ought to clean up your act, dude.
/ Todd: Thatsa gab for another day, schmendrick. Gimme a twenny! I gotta get a bump in my snout 'fore I go buttshit apehole and yerp onna frikkin' floor! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02082007 |
| Achewood - February 8, 2007 | Téodor: Todd! I thought you died and went to heaven!
/ [[Todd is startled: exclamation mark above his head]] / Todd: Y-Y-Yeah, but I'm back now, ya flippin' ass-jack! 'Syer mom still a putz?
/ Téodor: How'd you get out this time? / Todd: They just m-m-made me watch some videos about not whackin' off. Also I hadda rotate this guy Fat Slimmy's tires. / Téodor: What had you been doing for the other three months?
/ Todd: This guy Ricky Craponi showed me how ta make a bong outta a pair 'a scissors an' some dice! / Téodor: Wow. When you go to heaven, you kind of make a little prison stint out of it. Were you anybody's heaven-bitch?
/ Todd: They ain't allow guys to bitch-up in heaven! Frikkin' beats the pen hands down! I never been off my knees so long! / Téodor: I didn't know you were always getting terror-laid in the big house. Maybe you ought to clean up your act, dude.
/ Todd: Thatsa gab for another day, schmendrick. Gimme a twenny! I gotta get a bump in my snout 'fore I go buttshit apehole and yerp onna frikkin' floor! / {{Alt text: Todd has come back from heaven completely addicted to horrible drugs.}}
/ {{Archive title: Todd back from heaven}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02082007 |
| Achewood - February 8, 2008 | [[Mr. Bear is sitting at his typewriter. Téodor approaches.]]
/ Téodor: What are you writing today, Cornelius? / Mr. Bear: Oh, it's tricky. Harlequin wants a romance novel centered around the organic foods craze.
/ Téodor: "A man, a woman, and a carrot with lice." / Mr. Bear: Something like that, yes. They want it done before everyone goes broke buying single-origin mesclun from Aberdeen.
/ Téodor: Can I see what you have so far?
/ Mr. Bear: But of course, dear boy.
/ [[Mr. Bear hands the paper from his typewriter to Téodor.]] / [[Close-up on the paper, on which the following is written:]]
/ GREENHOUSE LOVE / H. Carter Stone, Esq., 75, senior partner at Stone, Craddock & Westing, stood in the tuber aisle at Whole Foods, fretting. Should he buy conventionally grown local potatoes, or organic spuds flown in from Suriname? The implications of either choice, he was told, were tremendous. / A buxom young stock girl in low-slung cargo pants and an open-back macramé halter brushed past his $700, wind-resistant cycling outfit. A water yam [organic, Tonga] fell to the floor.
/ Used to cleaning up other people's messes, he nearly went to fetch it, but she had already squatted down. / His eyes fixated on her exposed black mesh thong underwear, and he found himself unable to draw a breath. He had never seen anything like it. His own late wife had worn only medical underpants that smelled strongly of camphor, so he had long forgotten the
/ Téodor [[thinking]]: How does he write women so well? http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02082008 |
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