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| Achewood - February 9, 2007 | [[Teodor is standing listening to music.]]
/ Teodor: Ahhhh... nothing like Brubeck to remind you that not everyone on earth is a huge, steaming pile of shit...
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02092007 |
| Achewood - February 9, 2007 | [[Teodor is standing listening to music.]]
/ Teodor: Ahhhh....nothing like Brubeck to remind you that not everyone on earth is a huge, steaming pile of shit...
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02092007 |
| Achewood - February 10, 2003 | {{PREVIEW: THE ACHEWOOD COOKBOOK}} / Perfect Oven Fries Every Time - Recipe by Ray / I know you've had some oven fries before and you're thinkin' "Man, oven fries are a joke!' / I know! I know! Usually they are! / I totally agree with you. / Somebody makes you some oven fries...they're all soft and not crispy and maybe not even cooked all the way...no one likes that! What's the point of bein' healthy if you're just gonna end up angry and eat a gross taste that you hate! / Pat makes some pretty abd oven fries. They're like eatin' hot slugs. He's so proud of them, bringin' them to every potluck we have. We have a thing we do where we throw them away. / One day I had had enough of bad oven fries. I was all like, "Look, I ain't got a bunch of oil at home to deep fry with. That is a hassle. But there has got to be a way to make crispy potatoes in the oven. Other crispy things come out of the oven." / And that was all the reasoning I needed. / Try this recipe. If you fail at it, it's because you didn't do it right. There are crispy fries waiting to come out of your oven: you just have to make them and put them there. / Ray Smuckles
/ Achewood Estates, CA
/ January 5, 2003 / Ingredients / 3 russet potatoes, about 3/4lb each, wasted and dried (but not peeled)
/ olive oil for brushing
/ salt
/ pepper / Procedure / 1. Pre-heat your oven to 450F. / 2. Slice the potatoes lengthwise into [[Ray in a chef's apron with a wineglass on it]] or less equal / {{alt-text: these are oven fries that WORK}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02102003 |
| Achewood - February 10, 2003 | {{PREVIEW: THE ACHEWOOD COOKBOOK}} / Perfect Oven Fries Every Time - Recipe by Ray / I know you've had some oven fries before and you're thinkin' "Man, oven fries are a joke!' / I know! I know! Usually they are! / I totally agree with you. / Somebody makes you some oven fries...they're all soft and not crispy and maybe not even cooked all the way...no one likes that! What's the point of bein' healthy if you're just gonna end up angry and eat a gross taste that you hate! / Pat makes some pretty bad oven fries. They're like eatin' hot slugs. He's so proud of them, bringin' them to every potluck we have. We have a thing we do where we throw them away. / One day I had had enough of bad oven fries. I was all like, "Look, I ain't got a bunch of oil at home to deep fry with. That is a hassle. But there has got to be a way to make crispy potatoes in the oven. Other crispy things come out of the oven." / And that was all the reasoning I needed. / Try this recipe. If you fail at it, it's because you didn't do it right. There are crispy fries waiting to come out of your oven: you just have to make them and put them there. / Ray Smuckles
/ Achewood Estates, CA
/ January 5, 2003 / Ingredients / 3 russet potatoes, about 3/4lb each, wasted and dried (but not peeled)
/ olive oil for brushing
/ salt
/ pepper / Procedure / 1. Pre-heat your oven to 450F. / 2. Slice the potatoes lengthwise into [[Ray in a chef's apron with a wineglass on it]] or less equal / {{alt-text: these are oven fries that WORK}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02102003 |
| Achewood - February 10, 2004 | [Roast Beef and Phillipe are standing there talking to eachother, Roast Beef giving Phillipe some bad news]
/ Roast Beef: Look Phillipe it just isn't going to work with Todd. / [Phillipe looks disappointed]
/ Phillipe: But I-- / [Roast Beef holds up his hands]
/ Roast Beef: Hey I know you really like him and all / [Roast Beef leans forward]
/ Roast Beef: I like him too / [Roast Beef has his hands on his hips, Phillipe looks a bit perplexed]
/ Roast Beef: Me and Todd been knuckleheads since old times / [Roast Beef raises his left hand]
/ Roast Beef: But he'll be a liability further on down the road when folks start lookin' into him / [Phillipe looks disappointed again]
/ Phillipe: What do you mean? / [Roast Beef's hands are back on his hips]
/ Roast Beef: Remember when Todd got put in the newspaper for yellin' at his girlfriend so loud that he had to go to the hospital / [Phillipe looks downward, sad]
/ Phillipe: Yeah... / Roast Beef: ...and remember when he made headlines by messin' up his taxes so bad that he almost got lethal injection / [Phillipe looks like he understands]
/ Phillipe: Yeah. / {Alt text: Todd has made hell of mistakes} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02102004 |
| Achewood - February 10, 2004 | [Roast Beef and Phillipe are standing there talking to eachother, Roast Beef giving Phillipe some bad news]
/ Roast Beef: Look Phillipe it just isn't going to work with Todd. / [Phillipe looks disappointed]
/ Phillipe: But I-- / [Roast Beef holds up his hands]
/ Roast Beef: Hey I know you really like him and all / [Roast Beef leans forward]
/ Roast Beef: I like him too / [Roast Beef has his hands on his hips, Phillipe looks a bit perplexed]
/ Roast Beef: Me and Todd been knuckleheads since old times / [Roast Beef raises his left hand]
/ Roast Beef: But he'll be a liability further on down the road when folks start lookin' into him / [Phillipe looks disappointed again]
/ Phillipe: What do you mean? / [Roast Beef's hands are back on his hips]
/ Roast Beef: Remember when Todd got put in the newspaper for yellin' at his girlfriend so loud that he had to go to the hospital / [Phillipe looks downward, sad]
/ Phillipe: Yeah... / Roast Beef: ...and remember when he made headlines by messin' up his taxes so bad that he almost got lethal injection / [Phillipe looks like he understands]
/ Phillipe: Yeah. / {Alt text: Todd has made hell of mistakes} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02102004 |
| Achewood - February 10, 2005 | Vlad: So, what are you doing for funs lately, Little Nephew?
/ Little Nephew: Man, I been in chat rooms, just RUINING nerds' lives. You ever try that?
/ Vlad: I haf only basic experience
/ Little Nephew: Dogg I am ruinous; I amaze the knees; The potty runs out of the body.
/ Vlad: Okay then! Let us be seeink see your stuff, sparky!
/ Little Nephew: Tonight we out for big game! We hittin' the official Burger King Chat Zone!
/ [[web page or chat room on a computer]]
/ web page: Welcome, tha_snazzle! I hope you enjoy our lively forum. We are dedicated to providing a top-tier environment in which to discuss the Burger King experience. I am your volunteer moderator, ÆrosTwiceChastened53.
/ tha_snazzle: i never had and angus yet
/ tha_snazzle: you
/ Æ2C53: when it comes to the specialty sandwiches, I enjoy them both, but I do prefer the Original :)
/ tha_snazzle: do u mean whoper
/ Æ2C53: Yes, the Original Whopper®. That is what I meant.
/ tha_snazzle: i have had whoper
/ Æ2C53: Please read the forum F.A.Q. on item nomenclature. It also provides the necessary escape-key sequences for producing special characters, such as ®, Æ, etc.
/ tha_snazzle: mcd's pretty good also
/ Æ2C53Well, I'm not one to judge, but in my experience, the 'King provides the superior meal item. :)
/ tha_snazzle: also pizza
/ Æ2C53: This is your first Onion Offense™, please stay on topic.
/ tha_snazzle: pizza?
/ Æ2C53: http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02102005 |
| Achewood - February 10, 2005 | Vlad: So, what are you doing for funs lately, Little Nephew? / Little Nephew: Man, I been in chat rooms, just RUINING nerds' lives. You ever try that? / Vlad: I haf only basic experience. / Little Nephew: Dogg I am ruinous; I amaze the knees; the potty runs out of the body. / Vlad: Okay then! Let us be seeink see your stuff, sparky! / Little Nephew: Tonight we out for big game! We hittin' the official Burger King Chat Zone! / [[web page or chat room on a computer]]
/ web page: Welcome, tha_snazzle! I hope you enjoy our lively forum. We are dedicated to providing a top-tier environment in which to discuss the Burger King experience. I am your volunteer moderator, ÆrosTwiceChastened53. / tha_snazzle: i never had and angus yet
/ tha_snazzle: you
/ Æ2C53: when it comes to the specialty sandwiches, I enjoy them both, but I do prefer the Original :) / tha_snazzle: do u mean whoper
/ Æ2C53: Yes, the Original Whopper®. That is what I meant. / tha_snazzle: i have had whoper / Æ2C53: Please read the forum F.A.Q. on item nomenclature. It also provides the necessary escape-key sequences for producing special characters, such as ®, Æ, etc. / tha_snazzle: mcd's pretty good also
/ Æ2C53Well, I'm not one to judge, but in my experience, the 'King provides the superior meal item. :) / tha_snazzle: also pizza
/ Æ2C53: This is your first Onion Offense™, please stay on topic.
/ tha_snazzle: pizza? / Æ2C53: http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02102005 |
| Achewood - February 11, 2002 | Phillip: We buried french fry today, Ray.
/ Ray: I know. Come on over and have a drink. / Ray: You like Ketel One, right?
/ Phillip: We had to use a spatula. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02112002 |
| Achewood - February 11, 2002 | Philippe: We buried french fry today, Ray.
/ Ray: I know. Come on over and have a drink. / Ray: You like Ketel One, right?
/ Philippe: We had to use a spatula. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02112002 |
| Achewood - February 11, 2003 | [[Ray, Roast Beef, and Lyle sit at a table, in conversation]]
/ RAY: So is business this bad at all the Subways in town, Lyle? / LYLE: Pretty much, except for frickin' Pat's.
/ RAY: What's so special about his place? / LYLE: The guy plays all the angles! I started servin' booze to try and drum up business-- / LYLE: --and he had his friend on the city council shut me down for not havin' a liquor license!
/ BEEF: That is low as a snake / [[Lyle stands up angrily, pulling out a flyer to show to Ray]]
/ LYLE: And get a load of this flyer! / [[The flyer looks like a simple letter, with Pat's smiling face on the top left-hand corner]]
/ Hello! My name is Pat Reynolds. I am pround to serve you at Achewood's #1-voted Subway.
/ Unlike other Subway restaurants here in town, the police department has no hidden camera footage of our employees wiping the sandwich meats on their arms and backs.
/ If you would like more information
/ {{cutoff}} / {{alt text: pat is a dick}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02112003 |
| Achewood - February 11, 2004 | [[Ray is talking to Teodor on the phone. Teodor is playing golf at the time.]]
/ Ray: Hey Teodor! It's Ray! How you doin'? / Teodor: I'm a little busy. / Ray: Oh! I'm sorry to hear that! Listen-I just have a quick question for! / Teodor: Look Ray I just sprayed 409 onto the stove and the bubbles are starting to pop- / Ray: Teodor! I need you to be- / Teodor: HARD TO HEAR YOU! BUBBLES POPPING! IT'S GETTING PRETTY BAD!
/ < http://achewood.com/?date=02112004 |
| Achewood - February 11, 2004 | [[Ray, wearing a black jacket and holding a martini, talks on a cordless phone.]]
/ Ray: Hey Téodor! It's Ray! How you doin'? / [[Téodor is shown answering his phone. He is playing golf.]] / Téodor: I'm a little busy. / [[Ray.]]
/ Ray: Oh! I'm sorry to hear that!
/ Ray: Listen -- I just have a quick question for you! / [[Téodor.]]
/ Téodor: Look Ray I just sprayed 409 onto the stove and the bubbles are starting to pop --
/ Ray, over telephone: Téodor! I need you to be -- / [[Ray. He is sipping his martini.]]
/ Téodor, over telephone: HARD TO HEAR YOU! BUBBLES POPPING! IT'S GETTING PRETTY BAD! / Ray: -- Philippe's new Vice President! / {{Panel title: SOON}}
/ [[Philippe and Téodor are seated at a desk, talking.]]
/ Philippe: But I thought EVERYBODY cried during Finding Nemo!
/ Téodor: It's just not a strong enough platform to unite an entire nation. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02112004 |
| Achewood - February 11, 2005 | [[It's dark. Roast Beef and Molly are seen from a short distance, walking on the sidewalk]]
/ Ray(out of view): Dang, is that Beef and Molly? / [[Exterior of a black car]]
/ Ray: What are they doin' way the heck out in Pat's neighborhood? / [[Interior of car. Téodor and Ray sit inside]]
/ Téodor: Maybe they're going for a walk.
/ Ray: Nonsense! / [[Ray is hanging with his arm outside the car window , talking to Roast Beef and Molly]]
/ Ray: Hey, you two! Hop in and I'll give you a lift back to the party! / [[Focus on Roast Beef]]
/ Roast Beef: Oh uh Ray thanks but we have some talking to do / [[Back to Ray]]
/ Ray: You guys are probably gonna need to urinate soon! Hop in! / [[Back to Roast Beef who's staring silently]] / Roast Beef: We don't need to urinate / [[Back to Ray]]
/ Ray: Nonsense! That's crazy talk. Get on in and let's go back to the party. You can urinate at my place. / [[Focus now on Roast Beef and Molly]]
/ Molly: Come on. We can finish this there. / [[Back to Roast Beef]]
/ Roast Beef: Look if you needed to urinate you could have said so / [[Back to Molly]]
/ Molly: I don't need to urinate, Beef! Jesus! / [[Back to Ray]]
/ Ray: Nonsense! / [[Roast Beef and Molly looking angrily at Ray]] / [[Ray sitting quiet]] / {{Roast Beef's and Molly's relationship}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02112005 |
| Achewood - February 11, 2008 | Ray: Yo Cornelius! What's a good tea to like?
/ Cornelius: Well, that depends on what you're looking for. Are you new to tea? / Ray: Pretty much. I mean, I've had Snapple, and plus that stuff at Chinese joints, so maybe I'm, like, "intermediate." / Cornelius: The tea Americans are served at Chinese restaurants isn't fit for an enema bulb.
/ Ray: Wow! You wouldn't even drink it with your ass? Now that must be some bad tea, my brother! / Ray: Would you drink...Earl Grey with your ass?
/ Cornelius: Only if the safety of my countrymen depended upon it, but it is difficult to imagine a scenario in which a foreign enemy would structure its demands in this way. / Ray: No it ain't. Let's say Al Qaeda needed a little video to give its troops a boost, and you were one of like six U.S. hostages. / Ray: The terrorists are like "Look, our guys haven't had a good chuckle in days. We'll let you go if you stand in front of this American flag and drink cheap tea with your keister."
/ Ray: You salute your men, about-face, and drop trou. Orlando Bloom plays you in the movie.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02112008 |
| Achewood § February 11, 2009 | [[THE SMUCKLES KITCHEN, 12:54 AM]] / Téodor: Hey, man! You feel like throwin' on a flick? / Ray: Oh...hey, T. You never call me anymore.
/ Téodor: Sorry, man. I was already in the neighborhood. / Ray: Really? How come? / Téodor: Because I was coming over. / Ray: Oh, I get it. Nice. Can't fault that.
/ Téodor: So, what're you snackin' on there? Some kind of canapé? / [[Ray looks down at plate]] / Ray: Well, we got kind of an El Bulli think goin' on here. I call it "cold nachos" / [[close up of 'cold nachos']]
/ Téodor: Round tortilla chips with torn-off bits of Kraft Singles? / Ray: It's all about denyin' expectations at this level. It's like, what do we really know about a nacho?
/ Téodor: That it's melted cheese on chips. / Ray: Yeah, but not this time. You seein' people like Roger Moore fly around the world–twice–to eat this kind of stuff. 'Course, the cheese is in a perfect triangle on a Möbius chip at El Bulli, and not all raggedy, like I'm doin' here. / Téodor: Oh, right. That's exactly what's going on.
/ Ray: I know, man. You want one? / Téodor: You got any Tabasco?
/ Ray: Neat idea. / [[SOON.]]
/ Téodor: See, the Tabasco works because the bite needed moisture and a top note of acid. / Ray: Each of these ingredients I would eat on their own. Don't egghead in the ghetto. / Téodor: You know what? We should crumble all this stuff up and stir it in with some scrambled eggs and salsa.
/ Téodor: Like chilaquiles, or migas.
/ [[Ray is surprised]] / Ray: Do that immediately. I'll queue up Braveheart and see if there is a bottle of Blue Label in my hand. / [[Téodor looks grumpy/challenging]] / [[Ray looks grumpy/challenging]] / [[Téodor looks angry]] / [[Ray looks angry, with bottle in hand]] / [[Ray, mouth ajar, bottle raised, looks angry]] / [[We see the backs of Téodor and Ray's heads, they are watchin Braveheart on the TV]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02112009 |
| Achewood - February 12, 2002 | [[Teodor is circiling an entry in a phone book with a red pen. He is on the phone.]]
/ Phone: Hello! English-Speaking Pizza!
/ Teodor: Hi, I'd like to place an order. / Phone: Yes! Go ahead, sir! In English, of course!
/ Teodor: Listen, I've been duped by "English-speaking" pizza places before. Prove it. / [[The view shifts to Teodor's window from the outside. The conversation is still audible]]
/ Phone: Oh, I love to speak English, sir!
/ Teodor: You do, do you? How much do you love it? / [[The view returns back to Teodor on the phone.]]
/ Phone: O love speaking English very much! I love it a thousand times! / [[The view goes back to the exterior window]]
/ Teodor: Do you love saying "Canadian bacon"?
/ Phone: Yes! Canadian bacon! I am very much into the canadian bacon! / [[Returning one last time to Teodor on the phone]]
/ Teodor: Do you love not forgetting that I am ordering Canadian bacon right now?
/ Phone: Yes! Yes! Completely! It is a love story! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02122002 |
| Achewood - February 12, 2002 | [[Teodor is circling an entry in a phone book with a red pen. He is on the phone.]]
/ Phone: Hello! English-Speaking Pizza!
/ Teodor: Hi, I'd like to place an order. / Phone: Yes! Go ahead, sir! In English, of course!
/ Teodor: Listen, I've been duped by "English-speaking" pizza places before. Prove it. / [[The view shifts to Teodor's window from the outside. The conversation is still audible]]
/ Phone: Oh, I love to speak English, sir!
/ Teodor: You do, do you? How much do you love it? / [[The view returns back to Teodor on the phone.]]
/ Phone: I love speaking English very much! I love it a thousand times! / [[The view goes back to the exterior window]]
/ Teodor: Do you love saying "Canadian bacon"?
/ Phone: Yes! Canadian bacon! I am very much into the canadian bacon! / [[Returning one last time to Teodor on the phone]]
/ Teodor: Do you love not forgetting that I am ordering Canadian bacon right now?
/ Phone: Yes! Yes! Completely! It is a love story! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02122002 |
| Achewood - February 12, 2002 | [[Teodor is circling an entry in a phone book with a red pen. He is on the phone.]]
/ Phone: Hello! English-Speaking Pizza!
/ Teodor: Hi, I'd like to place an order. / Phone: Yes! Go ahead, sir! In English, of course!
/ Teodor: Listen, I've been duped by "English-speaking" pizza places before. Prove it. / [[The view shifts to Teodor's window from the outside. The conversation is still audible]]
/ Phone: Oh, I love to speak English, sir!
/ Teodor: You do, do you? How much do you love it? / [[The view returns back to Teodor on the phone.]]
/ Phone: O love speaking English very much! I love it a thousand times! / [[The view goes back to the exterior window]]
/ Teodor: Do you love saying "Canadian bacon"?
/ Phone: Yes! Canadian bacon! I am very much into the canadian bacon! / [[Returning one last time to Teodor on the phone]]
/ Teodor: Do you love not forgetting that I am ordering Canadian bacon right now?
/ Phone: Yes! Yes! Completely! It is a love story!
/ {{title text: Silly-ass pizza installment!}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02122002 |
| Achewood - February 12, 2002 | [[Teodor is circiling an entry in a phone book with a red pen. He is on the phone.]]
/ English-Speaking Pizza: Hello! English-Speaking Pizza!
/ Teodor: Hi, I'd like to place an order. / English-Speaking Pizza: Yes! Go ahead, sir! In English, of course!
/ Teodor: Listen, I've been duped by "English-speaking" pizza places before. Prove it. / [[The view shifts to Teodor's window from the outside. The conversation is still audible]]
/ English-Speaking Pizza: Oh, I love to speak English, sir!
/ Teodor: You do, do you? How much do you love it? / [[The view returns back to Teodor on the phone.]]
/ English-Speaking Pizza: I love speaking English very much! I love it a thousand times! / [[The view goes back to the exterior window]]
/ Teodor: Do you love saying "Canadian bacon"?
/ English-Speaking Pizza: Yes! Canadian bacon! I am very much into the canadian bacon! / [[Returning one last time to Teodor on the phone]]
/ Teodor: Do you love not forgetting that I am ordering Canadian bacon right now?
/ English-Speaking Pizza: Yes! Yes! Completely! It is a love story! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02122002 |
| Achewood - February 12, 2002 | [[Teodor is circiling an entry in a phone book with a red pen. He is on the phone.]]
/ Phone: Hello! English-Speaking Pizza!
/ Teodor: Hi, I'd like to place an order. / Phone: Yes! Go ahead, sir! In English, of course!
/ Teodor: Listen, I've been duped by "English-speaking" pizza places before. Prove it. / [[The view shifts to Teodor's window from the outside. The conversation is still audible]]
/ Phone: Oh, I love to speak English, sir!
/ Teodor: You do, do you? How much do you love it? / [[The view returns back to Teodor on the phone.]]
/ Phone: I love speaking English very much! I love it a thousand times! / [[The view goes back to the exterior window]]
/ Teodor: Do you love saying "canadian bacon"?
/ Phone: Yes! Canadian bacon! I am very much into the canadian bacon! / [[Returning one last time to Teodor on the phone]]
/ Teodor: Do you love not forgetting that I am ordering Canadian bacon right now?
/ Phone: Yes! Yes! Completely! It is a love story! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02122002 |
| Achewood - February 12, 2004 | [[Ray is dialing a phone]]
/ [[MEANWHILE.]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02122004 |
| Cornelius's Special Bowl | [[Lyle is squatting just above a bowl. Teodor looks angrily down on him. An empty bottle stands nearby.]]
/ Teodor: And...Jesus Christ! Is that Cornelius's special bowl?!
/ Lyle: Dunno. Found it inna sink with some dried noodles in it. / {{Frame caption: LATER THAT EVENING}}
/ [[Teodor is cooking. Cornelius Bear stands nearby holding a drink.]]
/ Cornelius: Ah, you're making noodle soup this evening! Capital! Here, let me fetch my special bowl. / [[Cornelius holds the bowl. Teodor looks unhappy.]]
/ Teodor: You?you might not want to use that. Lyle filled it with vinegar today and teabagged it until his eyes watered. / [[Cornelius sniffs the bowl.]]
/ Cornelius: How untoward! Well, I'll just have to wash it in some hot, soapy water.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02122007 |
| Cornelius's Special Bowl | [[Lyle is squatting just above a bowl. Teodor looks angrily down on him. An empty bottle stands nearby.]]
/ Teodor: And...Jesus Christ! Is that Cornelius's special bowl?!
/ Lyle: Dunno. Found it inna sink with some dried noodles in it. / {{Frame caption: LATER THAT EVENING}}
/ [[Teodor is cooking. Cornelius Bear stands nearby holding a drink.]]
/ Cornelius: Ah, you're making noodle soup this evening! Capital! Here, let me fetch my special bowl. / [[Cornelius holds the bowl. Teodor looks unhappy.]]
/ Teodor: You?you might not want to use that. Lyle filled it with vinegar today and teabagged it until his eyes watered. / [[Cornelius sniffs the bowl.]]
/ Cornelius: How untoward! Well, I'll just have to wash it in some hot, soapy water.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02122007 |
| Cornelius's Special Bowl | [[Lyle is squatting just above a bowl. Teodor looks angrily down on him. An empty bottle stands nearby.]]
/ Teodor: And...Jesus Christ! Is that Cornelius's special bowl?!
/ Lyle: Dunno. Found it inna sink with some dried noodles in it. / {{Frame caption: LATER THAT EVENING}}
/ [[Teodor is cooking. Cornelius Bear stands nearby holding a drink.]]
/ Cornelius: Ah, you're making noodle soup this evening! Capital! Here, let me fetch my special bowl. / [[Cornelius holds the bowl. Teodor looks unhappy.]]
/ Teodor: You?you might not want to use that. Lyle filled it with vinegar today and teabagged it until his eyes watered. / [[Cornelius sniffs the bowl.]]
/ Cornelius: How untoward! Well, I'll just have to wash it in some hot, soapy water.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02122007 |
| Achewood - February 12, 2008 | [[Sondra Smuckles Thought Organizer]]
/ [[Grace Jones]] http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02122008 |
| Achewood - February 13, 2002 | [[Teodor is standing next to a dining table where Phillipe is sitting with an empty plate in front of him. Teodore has a platter of pork chops in his hands]]
/ Teodor: Who wants pork chops?
/ Phillipe: Oh boy! / [[Phillipe is eating a pork chop. Teodor is out of the panel but audible]]
/ Phillipe: These are delicious!
/ Teodor: Thank you! / [[Teodor returns and sets down a bowl of applesauce on the table.]]
/ Teodor: Now try them with applesauce. / Phillipe (thinking): Pprk chops with applesauce? / [[Phillipe is imagining a piece of pork chop and a dollop of apple sauce on his plate]]
/ Pork chop: Nooo!
/ Applesauce: Nooo! / [[Phillipe is now imagining himself, with his mouth open, about to eat the two items simultaneously. He looks apprehensive both in his daydream and in reality]]
/ Pork chop: Nooo!
/ Applesauce: Nooo!
/ Phillipe (in his daydream):Nooo! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02132002 |
| Achewood - February 13, 2002 | [[Teodor is standing next to a dining table where Phillipe is sitting with an empty plate in front of him. Teodore has a platter of pork chops in his hands]]
/ Teodor: Who wants pork chops?
/ Phillipe: Oh boy! / [[Phillipe is eating a pork chop. Teodor is out of the panel but audible]]
/ Phillipe: These are delicious!
/ Teodor: Thank you! / [[Teodor returns and sets down a bowl of applesauce on the table.]]
/ Teodor: Now try them with applesauce. / Phillipe (thinking): Pprk chops with applesauce? / [[Phillipe is imagining a piece of pork chop and a dollop of apple sauce on his plate]]
/ Pork chop: Nooo!
/ Applesauce: Nooo! / [[Phillipe is now imagining himself, with his mouth open, about to eat the two items simultaneously. He looks apprehensive both in his daydream and in reality]]
/ Pork chop: Nooo!
/ Applesauce: Nooo!
/ Phillipe (in his daydream):Nooo! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02132002 |
| Achewood - February 13, 2002 | [[Teodor is standing next to a dining table where Phillipe is sitting with an empty plate in front of him. Teodore has a platter of pork chops in his hands]]
/ Teodor: Who wants pork chops?
/ Phillipe: Oh boy! / [[Phillipe is eating a pork chop. Teodor is out of the panel but audible]]
/ Phillipe: These are delicious!
/ Teodor: Thank you! / [[Teodor returns and sets down a bowl of applesauce on the table.]]
/ Teodor: Now try them with applesauce. / Phillipe (thinking): Pprk chops with applesauce? / [[Phillipe is imagining a piece of pork chop and a dollop of apple sauce on his plate]]
/ Pork chop: Nooo!
/ Applesauce: Nooo! / [[Phillipe is now imagining himself, with his mouth open, about to eat the two items simultaneously. He looks apprehensive both in his daydream and in reality]]
/ Pork chop: Nooo!
/ Applesauce: Nooo!
/ Phillipe (in his daydream):Nooo! http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02132002 |
| Achewood - February 13, 2003 | Vlad: Well would you look at that. Pat is havink web page for his Subway now.
/ Vlad: Oh for Please sake Pat. Do not design music into web page.
/ Vlad: Is so newbie.
/ Vlad: Well would you look at that! A messageboard just about his own restaurant! Such arrogance he has.
/ Vlad: Let us see if we cannot destroys things from the inside, out. http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02132003 |
| Achewood - February 13, 2003 | [[Vlad is at home, on the computer.]]
/ Vlad: Well would you look at that. Pat is havink web page for his Subway now.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02132003 |
| Achewood - February 13, 2004 | [[Ray and Teodor talking in person.]]
/ Ray: Okay, Teodor, here's another ten G for you guys' campaign. Let me know when you need more.
/ Teodor: Thanks, Ray. / Teodor: Whoah, are you learning guitar?
/ Ray: Huh? What did you say? / Ray: Oh, yeah, I thought it might be kinda fun.
/ Teodor: [Holding guitar] This is an original 1960's Rickenbacker! / Ray: That's right! It's the one John Lennon played on the Ed Sullivan show!
/ Teodor: Oh my GOD! / Teodor: And these effects pedals... I've never seen some these! What's this one do?
/ Ray: That one's actually for singin' through. / Teodor: Like a pitch corrector?
/ Ray: It's designed to accompany Delta bluesmen. Watch.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02132004 |
| Queueing for the Fight | [[Ray is sleeping in a motorbike's sidecar]]
/ http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02132006 |
| Queueing for the Fight | [[Ray is sleeping in a motorbike's sidecar]]
/ http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02132006 |
| Achewood - February 13, 2007 | [[Ray is at the computer. Teodor is standing behind him reading something.]]
/ Ray: I can't take this anymore, man. These dudes have got to stop it. This has just gone on TOO LONG.
/ Teodor: Yeah, but what can you do. / Ray: Gonna make 'em a new one. Go get my digital camera. You can still do Photoshop stuff, right?
/ Teodor: Yeah, I can still do Photoshop stuff. / [[Ray's version of the Google logo. The letters are formed by images of Ray's head, with his elongated tongue or his arm forming the sticking-out bits. The bottom loop of the "g" is Roast Beef's head with a look of pain or disgust: Ray's tongue appears to be licking him.]]
/ Frame caption: SOON.
/ Ray (voice from offscreen): Dogg. Nice work on the capital G.
/ Teodor: Thanks. I'm particularly proud of the finishing "e". / {{Alt text: I think in Firefox you can crop this and automatically substitute it for their logo.}}
/ {{Archive title: Ray's New Google Logo}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02132007 |
| Achewood § February 13, 2009 | [[Roast Beef is standing by a window, chewing contemplatively]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02132009 |
| Achewood - February 14, 2002 | [[Pat, Roast Beef and Ray stand outside, smoking cigarettes]]
/ Pat: Man, am I glad the warm weather's back. / Ray: You're tellin' me! I must have got my Bone on six times yesterday. / [[Ray dances with one leg in the air]]
/ Pat: Hey, I don't want to hea...
/ Ray: I was like, BONE... BONE... BONE... / [[Ray continues to dance as Roast Beef winces]]
/ Pat: Enough, already! / Ray: Heh heh! You don't like it when I talk about my bonin', do you?
/ Pat: You've got no class, man. / {{Later}}
/ [[Ray repeats his dancing as Teodor watches]]
/ Teodor: Six times? / {{Alt text: Sorry Mom. Sorry Dad. Sorry College.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02142002 |
| Achewood - February 14, 2003 | [[Pat and Vlad having a flame war on a Subway forum]]
/ Pat: [Typed] Daedalus_X, I would like to offer the following rebuttals to your RIDICULOUS claims.
/ 1. All our bread is bake fresh daily. Pretending that it isn't is just a waste of EVERYONE'S time.
/ 2. ALL toppings are free. Saying that you paid extra money for any non-cheese topping bar item is an OUTRAGEOUS lie. I am sure everyone else on the message board sees this.
/ I am not going to block your IP yet but I would be completely within my rights to do so.
/ [this post edited by Pat, 10:45PM]
/ [this post edited by Pat, 10:46PM]
/ [this post edited by Pat, 10:46PM]
/ [this post edited by Pat, 10:52PM]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02142003 |
| Achewood - February 14, 2003 | [[Pat and Vlad having a flame war on a Subway forum]]
/ Pat: [Typed] Daedalus_X, I would like to offer the following rebuttals to your RIDICULOUS claims.
/ 1. All our bread is baked fresh daily. Pretending that it isn't is just a waste of EVERYONE'S time.
/ 2. ALL toppings are free. Saying that you paid extra money for any non-cheese topping bar item is an OUTRAGEOUS lie. I am sure everyone else on the message board sees this.
/ I am not going to block your IP yet but I would be completely within my rights to do so.
/ [this post edited by Pat, 10:45PM]
/ [this post edited by Pat, 10:46PM]
/ [this post edited by Pat, 10:46PM]
/ [this post edited by Pat, 10:52PM]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02142003 |
| Achewood - February 14, 2005 | Ray: So, you guys hear the one about the priest who gave head to the mailman? / / Ray: Well, there's this priest, and he's pretty down on his luck. / Ray: He prays to god that his luck will improve, / Ray: ...and the very next day a horny mailman shows up. /
/ Ray: Well, one thing led to another. You can pretty much guess what they did. It wasn't too cool. /
/ Ray: I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm not against gays. /
/ Ray: I'm actually pretty open minded once you get to know me. / {{alt text: The assumption of the joke is that priests constantly want to give head.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02142005 |
| Achewood - February 14, 2006 | [[Thousands of eager fighters stand at the gate of the field where the Great Outdoor Fight is about to commence]] / < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02142006 |
| Achewood - February 14, 2008 | T?odor: So, what did you get Molly for Valentine's Day?
/ [[Roast Beef is startled.]] / Roast Beef: Oh uh we just uh we gonna go do what she likes you know ! Plus they got desserts at just awful lots of places these days ! / Roast Beef: [[ Beef is visibly panicked ]] I mean you can't walk ten feet in any direction without becoming on the inside of a dessert restaurant right and that is completely good right because ladies like to eat cakes and treats and
/ T?odor: You forgot! / T?odor: [[ Teodor is pointing at Beef ]] You forgot it was Valentine's day, didn't you! Admit it!
/ Roast Beef: [[ Beef is pounding the table angrily ]] I DIDN'T FORGET NOTHIN' DAMMIT JUST GET OUT OF HERE T?ODOR WHY YOU ALWAYS TALKIN! / T?odor: I did you a favor by reminding you! You were gonna walk into the bedroom later and wonder why she was sitting there crying in matching underwear!
/ Roast Beef: I ONLY GET CONCERNED IF SHE AIN'T SITTIN' ON THE BED CRYIN'!
/ Roast Beef: I'D THINK I LOST MY TOUCH! / T?odor: [[ External view of the house ]] IS THERE A LAMP YOU CAN SIT UNDER THAT HELPS YOU ADMIT THAT YOU'RE WRONG BECAUSE I'LL GET OUT MY CREDIT CARD RIGHT NOW GOD DAMMIT!
/ Roast Beef: SCREW YOU T?ODOR YOU KNOW I GOT TO HAVE SPECIAL LAMPS TO BE IN SOCIETY !
/ T?odor: HOW ABOUT A LAMP THAT KEEPS YOU FROM YELLING AT PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS! / {{ title text: On the inside of a dessert restaurant is a condition, not a location. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02142008 |
| Achewood - February 14, 2008 | T?odor: So, what did you get Molly for Valentine's Day?
/ [[Roast Beef is startled.]] / Roast Beef: Oh uh we just uh we gonna go do what she likes you know ! Plus they got desserts at just awful lots of places these days ! / Roast Beef: [[ Beef is visibly panicked ]] I mean you can't walk ten feet in any direction without becoming on the inside of a dessert restaurant right and that is completely good right because ladies like to eat cakes and treats and
/ T?odor: You forgot! / T?odor: [[ Teodor is pointing at Beef ]] You forgot it was Valentine's day, didn't you! Admit it!
/ Roast Beef: [[ Beef is pounding the table angrily ]] I DIDN'T FORGET NOTHIN' DAMMIT JUST GET OUT OF HERE T?ODOR WHY YOU ALWAYS TALKIN! / T?odor: I did you a favor by reminding you! You were gonna walk into the bedroom later and wonder why she was sitting there crying in matching underwear!
/ Roast Beef: I ONLY GET CONCERNED IF SHE AIN'T SITTIN' ON THE BED CRYIN'!
/ Roast Beef: I'D THINK I LOST MY TOUCH! / T?odor: [[ External view of the house ]] IS THERE A LAMP YOU CAN SIT UNDER THAT HELPS YOU ADMIT THAT YOU'RE WRONG BECAUSE I'LL GET OUT MY CREDIT CARD RIGHT NOW GOD DAMMIT!
/ Roast Beef: SCREW YOU T?ODOR YOU KNOW I GOT TO HAVE SPECIAL LAMPS TO BE IN SOCIETY !
/ T?odor: HOW ABOUT A LAMP THAT KEEPS YOU FROM YELLING AT PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS! / {{ title text: On the inside of a dessert restaurant is a condition, not a location. }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02142008 |
| Achewood - February 15, 2002 | [[A shot of two bottles of Alcohol, presumably Jack Daniels and Bombay Sapphire Gin are shown]]
/ Text: ACHEWOOD
/ Text: EVERY WEEKDAY BRINGS CHEER, / Text: NOSTALGIA,
/ Téodor: So, Mr. Squirrel, how is this year's acorn crop?
/ Todd: It's frikkin' AWESOME! / Text: AND TRAGEDY
/ [[Philippe is wearing some sort of extremely elongated pink nipple on his head.]]
/ TEXT: DO NOT MISS AN INSTALLMENT / {{We're taking President's Day off as well. Work on the new house and all.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02152002 |
| Achewood - February 15, 2002 | [[A shot of two bottles of Alcohol, presumably Jack Daniels and Bombay Sapphire Gin are shown]]
/ Text: ACHEWOOD
/ Text: EVERY WEEKDAY BRINGS CHEER, / Text: NOSTALGIA,
/ Téodor: So, Mr. Squirrel, how is this year's acorn crop?
/ Todd: It's frikkin' AWESOME! / Text: AND TRAGEDY
/ [[Philippe is wearing some sort of extremely elongated pink nipple on his head.]]
/ TEXT: DO NOT MISS AN INSTALLMENT / {{We're taking President's Day off as well. Work on the new house and all.}} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02152002 |
| Achewood - February 15, 2006 | Ray: The hell look at all that mayhem. Damn sloppy fightin' if you ask me. / Roast Beef: Historically nearly fifty percent of the Fight's population takes itself out in the first three hours
/ Roast Beef: Either immediately or through slow-acting injuries / Roast Beef: Anyhow gentlemen our first order of business is a little treat for you troops
/ Roast Beef: Show you up close and personal how Son of Rodney takes a man apart / Roast Beef: Two of you are gonna go fetch Perfect Ron Sipes / Roast Beef: Tell him Son of Rodney is about to sell his wife a 29-Minute Ab Minder
/ Roast Beef: He'll know what I mean / Roast Beef: Leander I want you to go / Roast Beef: Take the Latino Health Crisis with you / [[Soon]]
/ Perfect Ron Sipes: WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT MY WIFE, ASSHOLE SHIT MOTHERFUCKER?! SAY IT TO MY FACE! / Ray: I heard that every time someone offers her a PastaPro Express Home Pasta system, she spreads her legs and thinks of England! That's all I'm sayin', dude! Calm down. / {{ Ron is so furious about his bad wife }} http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02152006 |
| Achewood - February 15, 2007 | [[Ray is sitting in front of the computer.]] / Ray: Daaamn, there's no Wikipedia entry for "Ray's urine"! < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02152007 |
| Achewood - February 16, 2005 | [[Téodor, Roast Beef (not shown), and Molly are riding with Ray in his Escalade. Téodor and Molly look irritated. Ray is not watching the road.]]
/ Ray: You know, I used to know a guy who got AIDS once. It was a pretty rough scene. / [[The car slams into a telephone pole.]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02162005 |
| Achewood - February 16, 2005 | Ray: You know, I used to know a guy who AIDS once.
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02162005 |
| Beating Ron Sipes | [[Sipes is screaming, with his fists bared]]
/ Sipes: COME HERE! I'M GONNA TEAR OFF YOUR LEGS AND PISS UP THE STUMPS! / Ray: Man, that's crazy talk! A leg stump ain't got holes where your urine can go, Ron!
/ Sheesh, the imagination on this kid! / [[Sipes starts running towards Ray]]
/ Sipes: YAAAAAAAAH! / [[Sipes tries to punch Ray, but Ray ducks]]
/ Sipes: AGH! / [[Ray smacks Sipes in the trapezius]]
/ < http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02162006 |
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