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| The Drinking Box | The Drinking Box: / (APPLEJUICE) / Woman: I'll trade you my baby for your applejuice. / Struan: Is your baby demonic?
/ Woman: No. / Struan: Fine. But I get to keep the bendy straw. / (Struan drinks out of baby's eye.) http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=2 |
| The Wrong Side of the Law | The Wrong Side of the Law: / Struan: Arrest me. I'm the world's greatest pickpocket. / Postal Worker: I'm a postal worker. / Struan: Look. I stole your gun.
/ (Struan is holding a box labelled SODA CRACKERS) http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=3 |
| The Last Unicorn | The Last Unicorn: / Zookeeper: The only remaining member of the unicorn family is protected from the evils of the world within this magical jail cell. / Struan (using a banana as a horn): I'm the last unicorn! This man is an imposter! / Zookeeper: Two unicorns? This is unbelievable! / Zookeeper:... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=4 |
| At the Butcher Shop | At the Butcher Shop: / Struan: You should hire me. I have cleavers for fingers. / Struan: Watch me butcher this cow carcass.
/ (Blood flying.)
/ Butcher: That's my assistant! / Struan: Does that mean a position's just opened up? http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=5 |
| Meeting With the Network Executives | Meeting With the Network Executives: / Struan: I propose that we remake a popular British series, while neglecting most of the elements that made it unique, reducing it to only mildly amusing. / Woman: Who are you?
/ Struan: Nevermind me. What's that penguin doing there? / Man: That penguin happens... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=6 |
| At the Art Gallery | At the Art Gallery: / Struan: I just drew the best picture ever. / Struan: I took out part of my brain and it gave me super artist powers. / Woman: Wow! I'm going to hang this in place of the Van Gogh. / Woman: People from all over the world will flock here to see the art that you've created. / Woman:... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=7 |
| The Chamber of Oddities | The Chamber of Oddities: / Struan: Can I be in your freakshow? I'm pretty tall. / Woman: This is the emergency room. / Struan: Plus I have a half-inny half outy.
/ Woman: That's an umbilical hernia. / Struan: What about my partially-absorbed twin?
/ Frog attached to Straun: Ribbit / Woman: How did... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=8 |
| At the Hospital | At the Hospital: / Doctor: Mr. Sutherland, while you were sedated, we accidentally pumped your stomach. / Doctor: We found this child. / Struan: I didn't even know I was pregnant. / Doctor: He's been partially dissolved by your gastric juices, but he's still functional.
/ Baby: PBLB / Doctor: Just... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=9 |
| Fast Food | Fast Food: / Struan: I found a human head in my hamburger. / Struan: I don't eat human heads, because I'm a vegetarian. / Girl: You do know that there's cow in that hamburger, right?
/ Struan: Where? / Struan: I also found the rest of him in my salad. / Girl: Isn't this the guy who was sitting in... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=10 |
| A Session with the Psychiatrist | A Session with the Psychiatrist: / Struan: I'm not catholic, but I got a bit depressed when the pope died. / Struan: But it turns out that he faked his death, and now he's hiding out in my toaster. / Struan: That was a relief because he's one of the only good stand-up comics left. / Psychiatrist:... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=11 |
| The Competition | The Competition: / Struan (Invisible except for eyes): Hey Craig, I perfected my invisibility serum! / Craig: No you didn't. I can still see your eyes. / Struan: Really? I can't. / Craig: I perfected my giant knee serum. / Struan: I think that one's growing an arm. / Craig: The Nobel Prize is as... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=12 |
| A Conversation with the Neighbour | A Conversation with the Neighbour: / Struan: I ate your dog. / Struan: (smiling) Can you guess why? It's hilarious. / Neighbor: (distraught) I have no idea...
/ Struan: What kind of dog was it? / Neighbor: He was a mutt.
/ Struan: Oh... / Struan: I thought he was a chocolate lab. / Struan: No wonder... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=13 |
| The Best Prank Ever | The Best Prank Ever: / Child: Hey Struan, what are you doing? / Struan (lying in front of a car): Only pulling the best prank ever. / Struan: *Giggle* / Struan: Somebody's coming. Go hide in the bushes. / *POP* / Child: I don't think they noticed.
/ Struan (brains leaking from head): Aw, man it... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=14 |
| Springtime | Springtime: / Struan: Look! it's a robin. / Struan: That's the first sign of the apocalypse / Fuzzy-haired man: Robins are the first sign of spring. You're thinking of the red-winged blackbird. / Struan: I thought the red-winged blackbird was the first sign of puberty. / Robin: Soon I will feast... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=15 |
| Problems with Pets | Problems with Pets: / Struan: I'm returning these snakes. / Struan: I thought if I got a radioactive snake to bite me, I'd become a superhero. / Struan: Snakes must be allergic to radiation. / Struan: So, instead I cut my shin and shoved plutonium in my wound.
/ Pet Shop Owner: Did it work? / (An... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=16 |
| The Birthday Party | The Birthday Party: / Struan: What should I wish for? / Guy: You should wish that Tony Danza is going to jump out of this box. / Struan: Tony Danza? That's a lame wish.
/ Box: Mmm mhmhf! / Struan: Maybe I'll wish for a really nice handbag. / Girl: If you tell us, it won't come true. / Struan: But... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=17 |
| On the Streets | On the Streets: / (Sign reads CUT MY TOENAILS PLEASE) / Man: Are you having a problem with your toenails? / Struan: That sign was there when I sat down. http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=18 |
| The Contract | The Contract: / Struan: I just met the nicest hitman back there. / Struan: I think it's fair to tell you that I put a contract out on your life. / Struan: I had five hundred thousand dollars burning a hole in my pocket. / Struan: You should think of it as a challenge. It's an adventure that will... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=19 |
| Banking | Banking: / Struan: See, the thing is that I updated my website way later than normal today. / Struan: Nothing happened, so I stopped believing that theree were consequences for my actions and became a nihilist. / Struan (holding a gun to the teller's head): Anyway, the point is give me whatever's... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=20 |
| The Adventures of Struan in Kafkaland. | The Adventures of Struan in Kafkaland: / Struan (wakes up as a bug): What the blazes? / Officer: Mr. Sutherland, I'm afraid you are under arrest. / Struan: Look at me. I'm a frickin' bug. / Officer: Don't change the subject. We're already late for your hanging. / Struan: You can't arrest a bug,... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=21 |
| The Strange-Looking Pet | The Strange-Looking Pet: / Cat: Meow. / Struan: Your cat is ugly. / Friend: That statement offends me. / Struan: In some countries they fillet cats for being ugly. / Struan: You should take him to one of those countries and get him filleted. / Cat: Sadness envelops my soul. http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=22 |
| An Old Practical Joke | An Old Practical Joke: / Struan: Want to smell my flower? / Girl (sprayed by flower): Dah! / Struan: I had it installed with the help of a surgeon and a plumber.
/ Girl (on ground): It burns! / Struan: When I squeeze my stomach muscles, it pumps bile out of a hole in my chest. / ... / Struan: Are... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=23 |
| The Potato | The Potato: / Struan: This is the biggest potato I have ever seen. / Guy: That's a fork. And it's tiny. / Struan (smiling): I tricked you. / Struan (laughing): I can't believe you're so gullible. / Guy (angry): You didn't trick me. I told you it wasn't a potato. / Struan: I totally tricked you... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=24 |
| Muffin | Muffin: / Crazy-Eyed Man: I'll give you twenty dollars to eat this delicious muffin. / Muffin: MUFFIN! / Crazy-Eyed Man: Please? It's driving me crazy! / Struan: Why don't you eat it? / Crazy-Eyed Man: Because it may contain traces of peanuts! / Crazy-Eyed Man: I don't really like peanuts! http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=25 |
| The Corner | The Corner: / Struan: That's the best corner ever. / Struan: I'm standing before the best corner ever built. / Struan: I am awestruck by its majesty. / Struan: In all my years as a student of architecture, I've never seen a corner like this one. / Guy: You don't study architecture, Struan. / Struan:... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=26 |
| The Angel | The Angel: / Angel (hanging from a tree by his ankles): Help. / Struan: Are you an angel?
/ Angel: Yup. / Struan: If I let you down, can I have your halo? / Struan: And maybe one of your wings? / Struan: And a limited supply of super angel powers? / Angel: I've used up my powers keeping my dress... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=27 |
| Open Mike at the Comedy Club | Open Mike at the Comedy Club: / Struan: Don't you find it annoying when your car gets towed right in front of you? / It's like, 'Hey, I'm here now. Why don't I just drive it out of the loading zone? / It's like tow truck drivers never understand logic. / Hey tow truck driver! Did you fail the Repo... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=28 |
| An Awkward Moment | An Awkward Moment: / Guy: Your face is on fire. / Struan: What the hell is that supposed to mean? / Guy: I don't remember. My mind just went completely blank. / Guy: I think it was some sort of weird come-on. http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=29 |
| Discovering a Dead Body | Discovering a Dead Body: / Struan: This is fantastic! / Struan: I've always wanted to hollow out the back of a corpse's head and use it as a ventriloquist's dummy. / Friend: But I've always wanted to bake a corpse into a cake for someone as a practical joke. / Struan (using corpse as ventriloquist's... http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=30 |
| Weather | Weather: / Guy on Bench: I think it's going to rain. / Struan (shaking fist): It'd better not. / (It begins to rain.)
/ Struan: Help! I'm being assaulted! http://bloodthirstymelon.com/diary.php?cid=31 |