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Monday, March 18, 2002 Dewey: I'm afraid you have some serious fines here, ma'am. / Woman: Oh? / Dewey: These books are overdue by many months. Did you lose them? / Woman: Young man, I never lose ANYTHING. / Dewey: Okay then, it looks like you decided to keep them. / Woman [[opening her wallet]]: That's better. How much do I owe?
http://www.unshelved.com/archive.aspx?strip=20020318
Tuesday, March 19, 2002 Mel: Which color library card would you prefer? / Man: It doesn't matter. / Mel: Most men prefer blue or black. / Man: I SAID it doesn't matter! / Mel: In that case I'll give you pink. / Man [[holding up his hands]]: Hold on...
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Wednesday, March 20, 2002 Dewey: That new cartoon really makes me MAD! / Merv: Oh? / Dewey: Superman is invulnerable right? This tank shoots him and KNOCKS HIM OVER! / Merv: Maybe it was a REALLY POWERFUL tank? / Dewey: No, it looked ordinary to me. / Dewey: Maybe he'd been weakened by exposure to kryptonite... / Merv [[patting Dewey on the back]]: Dude, Superman is just a drawing.
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Thursday, March 21, 2002 [[An older gentleman approaches Tamara at the Information desk.]] / Older gentleman: Hey, there's a CRACK in my BATHTUB! / Tamara: That sounds familiar... who wrote it? / Older gentleman: No, no... It's a FACT not a... / Tamara [[rummaging around in the children's section and holding up a book]]: Here it is! Look, it's a PICTURE BOOK! / Older gentleman [[now holding the book]]: Lady, I have a real problem! / Tamara: Don't worry, kids LOVE to be read to! / [[Cut to a few moments later. Dewey and Tamara watch the man go away]] / Dewey: Well, I'M impressed! / Tamara: See? There are LOTS of ways to deal with rude people!
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Friday, March 22, 2002 Mel [[poking her head around the wall of Dewey's cube]]: Did you hear? Our manager was FIRED! / Dewey: We have a manager? / Mel: We did. / Dewey: Wait a second... you mean that woman we never saw? / Mel: That's the one. Turns out we were SUPPOSED to see her. / Dewey [[thoughtfully]]: Huh. Maybe I should go off to those Wednesday staff meetings more often. / Mel [[with crossed arms]]: Tuesday.
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Saturday, March 23, 2002 [[Mel and Dewey are walking through the library.]] / Mel: I wonder who the new manager will be. / Dewey: You will, of course. / Mel: ME? Why? / Dewey: It's obvious. You're a RULE KEEPER. / Mel: I am? / Dewey: In fact, I'm SO sure that I'm going to go write your name on the manager's door! / Mel [[grabbing Dewey's arm]]: YOU CAN'T DO THAT! / Mel: I just proved your point, didn't I? / Dewey [[saluting]]: Yes, sir!
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Sunday, March 24, 2002 [[Colleen marches by Dewey's cubicle]] / Colleen: They're replacing our manager! Finally it's *my* turn! / [[Colleen is still marching]] / Colleen: I have *seniority*! I'm the obvious choice! / [[Colleen is mostly out of site as Mel sticks her head over]] / Colleen: I've been passed over for the *last time*! / Mel: Psst… You were right. They picked me. / Mel: What are you doing? / Dewey: Ordering books on conflict resolution.
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Monday, March 25, 2002 [[Merv and Dewey are walking in the library]] / Merv: So, uh, I heard someone got fired. / Dewey: Yeah, the old manager. / Merv: [[whispering]] I was hoping it was you. / Dewey: EXCUSE ME? / Merv: Dude, we could play games ALL DAY! / Dewey: What about food? Rent? / Merv: That's why I still live with my folks. / Dewey: A wise choice for a twelve-year-old.
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Tuesday, March 26, 2002 [[Mel and Colleen are talking in the staff cubicle area.]] / Mel: I'm sorry you weren't made manager, Colleen. / Colleen [[grumpy]]: Oh really? YOU wanted to work for ME? / Mel: I mean I'm sorry I was the one promoted. / Colleen: So you're having second thoughts? / Mel: Actually I'm not sorry at all. / Colleen [[walking away]]: I'll be in the staff room awaiting news of your resignation.
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Wednesday, March 27, 2002 [[Dewey and Mel are talking in Mel's office.]] / Dewey: I was just reading about this whole CIPA* thing. / Mel: Yes. If we don't install filtering software we'll lose our Net access. / Mel: But don't worry, Colleen's working on it. / Dewey: I'm not sure she's the right man for the job. / [[Cut to Colleen helping a customer at a computer]] / Customer: Will Bill Gates really send me five dollars if I forward this mail? / Colleen: Are you kidding? If YOU don't do it, I will! / {{Footnote: *The Children's Internet Protection Act. For more information visit http://www.ala.org/CIPA}}
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Thursday, March 28, 2002 [[Dewey and Colleen are walking through the computer area.]] / Dewey: I hear you're in charge of Internet filtering. / Colleen: That's right! / Dewey: Which kind? Keyword? Blacklist? What about e-mail? / Colleen [[irritated]]: Look, it just gets FILTERED! End of story!! / Dewey: I feel so reassured. / Colleen [[yelling at unseen patron]]: HEY! DON'T TILT THAT FLOPPY DISK! THE DATA WILL FALL OFF!
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Friday, March 29, 2002 "Who should decide what kids can see on the Internet?" / Mel [[holding CIPA document]]: Filtering software. / Tamara [[holding a toddler]]: Their parents. / Colleen [[arms crossed]]: Me. / Ned [[reading "Our Civil Liberties"]]: No one.
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Saturday, March 30, 2002 [[Two parents approach Dewey at the Information Desk from different directions.]] / Mother: My son found a SCANDALOUS web site! / Father: My daughter was RESTRICTED from three web sites she needed! / [[Dewey goes unconcernedly about his business on the computer while the two parents trade The Glare of Conflicting Agendas.]] / [[The two parents are arguing in silhouette in the background. Dewey and Mel are talking in the foreground.]] / Dewey: If only they cancelled each other out more often. / Mel: If nobody's happy, did we succeed or fail?
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Sunday, March 31, 2002 [[Mel is standing, talking to Dewey who is sitting at a computer.]] / Mel: Okay, Internet filtering software doesn't always work. Maybe leaving this up to computers is the wrong approach. / Dewey: Exactly! / Mel: This is a job for LIBRARIANS! / Dewey: Um, that's not what I... / Mel [[walking away resolutely]]: Get Colleen. We'll filter the Internet OURSELVES! / Dewey: I guess we're eating lunch in.
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Monday, April 01, 2002 [[Colleen, Mel and Dewey are sitting around a computer.]] / Colleen [[looking at the screen]]: ... And I think Britney Spears looks EASY in this one. / Mel [[taking notes]]: I'll add it to the blacklist. / Dewey [[feet up, reading "Jinx", not even pretending to look]]: How about LIBERACE? He's kinda questionable, don't you think? / Mel: Are you taking this seriously? / Dewey: Me? You want to personally review TWO BILLION web pages! / Dewey: Although without those Britney Spears sites there are a lot fewer... / Colleen [[finding a new site]]: "Buns of Steel?" / Mel: That's a keeper.
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Tuesday, April 02, 2002 [[Merv and Dewey are talking.]] / Merv: Why doesn't the library filter the Internet the same way they filter BOOKS? / Dewey: But we DON'T filter books! / Merv: You don't just hand out dirty books to KIDS?!? / Dewey: We do if they ask for them. It's called UNIVERSAL ACCESS. / Merv [[intrigued]]: Really? Then I want... / Dewey: Fortunately they seldom know what to ask for. / Merv [[turning to leave]]: I'm going to go look up... / Dewey: And they get ground for a month when their parents find out.
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Wednesday, April 03, 2002 [[A slow-looking patron approaches Dewey at the Information Desk.]] / Patron: I was thinking this weekend... / Dewey: It's great that you took some time alone and just THOUGHT. / Patron: Huh? / Dewey: Never mind. Can I help you? / Patron: With what? / [[Dewey is walking with Merv.]] / Dewey: Some trains of thought are more easily derailed than others. / Merv: Well, that particular train is smoking more than just COAL.
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Thursday, April 04, 2002 Patron: Koreans eat dogs! / Dewey: Yup. Pigs too. / Patron: Well some animals are okay to eat! / Dewey: Oh? Which ones? Is there a list somewhere? / Patron: Um, the Bible? / Dewey: No, but nice try. / [[Mel approaches]] / Patron: [[Walking away]] There must be a list...it's common sense... / Dewey: [[to Mel]] Five bucks says she's vegetarian by next month. / Mel: Dewey, please stop subverting the patrons.
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Friday, April 05, 2002 [[Dewey is at the Information Desk. A long line of patrons of all ages, sizes and colors are waiting to be served. Set prominently in front of the line is a large sign that reads, "ONE QUESTION PER PERSON."]] / Patron at the desk [[confused and pointing at the sign]]: Is that sign for real? / Dewey: Yes. [[after a beat]] NEXT!
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Saturday, April 06, 2002 [[Dewey is talking to the patron from the April 4 strip, who was angry about Koreans eating dogs.]] / Patron: I was RIGHT! The Bible DOES say you can't eat dogs!* / Dewey: Well, whadya know? / {{Footnote: *Lev. 11:3; Deut. 14:6, no cloven feet nor do they chew their cud.}} / Patron: So the Koreans are WRONG! / Dewey: Except there are no Bibles there. / Mel [[watching the patron walk away dejectedly]]: Actually, I think Korea is incredibly Christian.* / Dewey [[brightly]]: Is that a fact? / {{Footnote: *25.2%, more or less.}} / Mel: Still, she is learning to use the library... / Dewey [[unchanged from last panel]]: Is that a fact?
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Sunday, April 07, 2002 [[Merv and Dewey are talking at the reference desk, Merv is reading out of a newspaper]] / Merv: "Bush vows to reduce illegal drug use by ten percent" / Merv: That's not very much -- why doesn't he just quit all at once? / Merv: Oh well -- baby steps, I guess.
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Monday, April 08, 2002 [[An angry patron approaches Dewey at the Information Desk.]] / Patron: You're missing an issue of this newsletter! / Dewey: Hmmm... I'll go look into this. / Dewey: I'll be right back. / Dewey [[from off-screen, to the angry patron who is glaring at him on-screen]]: At this point a polite person would thank me.
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Tuesday, April 09, 2002 [[Dewey is avoiding the angry patron from the last strip.]] / Mel [[poking her head out her office door]]: Didn't you just take a break? / Dewey [[pouring himself a cup of coffee]]: This is no break. / Mel: Irate patron? / Dewey: Seeking lost issues of an obscure newsletter. / [[Pull out. The irate patron is standing behind Dewey where Mel can see her]] / Mel: Looks like a pimple about to pop? / Dewey: Good guess! / Mel [[loking past Dewey]]: Not really. / Patron [[behind Dewey's back with her hands on her hips]]: <>
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Wednesday, April 10, 2002 [[Mel and Dewey are talking to an angry patron. Dewey is drinking a cup of coffee.]] / Mel: I'm sorry. Dewey asked ME to find the missing newsletter. / Patron [[shaking a finger]]: This is UNACCEPTABLE! You're lucky I don't tell the MANAGER! / Mel [[irritated, to the back of the patron who is leaving in a huff]]: Yes. How lucky the manager isn't involved. / Dewey [[clueless]]: Ha ha! Isn't it great when problems just solve themselves? / Dewey [[walking away]]: I'm getting some cream. This coffee is bitter. / Mel [[looking at Dewey in frustration]]: I know just how it feels.
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Thursday, April 11, 2002 Dewey: But people are always stealing books! / Mel: These were our rarest and most valuable. / Dewey: That makes me kinda sorry for people who bother stealing paperbacks. / Mel: But we're a public library! It's like robbing yourself! / Dewey: It's more like robbing your parents. / Mel: Who would do that? / Dewey: I dunno. I can't get my mom to stop giving me stuff.
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Friday, April 12, 2002 [[Colleen is talking to Dewey, who is at a computer.]] / Colleen: Aren't you supposed to be looking for those missing books? / Dewey: Here they are. / Colleen [[looking around]]: What? Where? / Dewey: EBay. / Colleen [[concerned]]: Someone's selling our books? / Dewey: Not at these prices they're not.
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Saturday, April 13, 2002 [[Dewey is talking to Merv, who is at a computer.]] / Dewey: Merv, can I borrow your EBay account? I need to buy some stolen books. / Merv: Cool! / Dewey: No, no -- these are books stolen from the library! / Merv: Even cooler! / Dewey [[face-palming himself in exasperation]]: Merv, I'm trying to catch the guy who stole them. / Merv [[disappointed]]: Oh... well, that could be cool too.
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Sunday, April 14, 2002 [[Dewey is watching Merv type up an e-mail.]] / Merv's e-mail: I won the auction for your rare books. Since we live in the same city, let's meet in person and I'll pay you in cash. / Dewey: Perfect! He'll want to avoid a PAPER TRAIL! / Merv's e-mail: Let's meet 2pm Saturday at the mall food court. I'll wear a striped shirt. / Dewey: You're doing great! / Merv's e-mail: Also, if you have any pirated video games, bring them too. / Dewey: Hold it.
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Monday, April 15, 2002 [[Merv and Dewey are at the mall, meeting up with the person who has sold them stolen library books online. She is an attractive blonde woman.]] / Book Thief: Hi, I have your merchandise. / Merv: But you're... you're a... / Book Thief: "Woman?" / Merv: "Babe!" / Dewey: "Thief." / Book Thief [[handing over the books]]: Who are you? LIBRARY LAD and BOOK BOY? / Dewey [[to Merv, who is busily admiring the Book Thief]]: Don't drool, Merv. Those are first editions.
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Tuesday, April 16, 2002 Book Thief: This has been fun, but I'm leaving now. / Dewey [[angrily]]: You can't go! We caught you RED-HANDED! / [[Merv just gazes admiringly at her.]] / [[She walks away.]] / Dewey: Stop! Come back! / Merv: Wow! She was totally immune to your whole authority shtick! / Merv: What a woman! / Dewey: Merv. / Merv: Think she'll strike again? / Dewey: Merv! / Merv: I hope so.
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