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Saturday, April 12, 2003 Colleen: ... and every night your files will be backed up to the central server. / Dewey: Sounds perfect. / Colleen: I'm just sorry my system is too late to save your files. / Dewey: Well these things will happen. / Colleen: How many coats of wax do you want on your motorcycle today? / Dewey: Two. And hurry, I think I saw storm clouds out there.
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Sunday, April 13, 2003 Dewey: What's the problem here? / Computer Victim: I lost the auction! And I really wanted that mower! / Dewey: Then you should have bid more. / Computer Victim: Well it's a dumb system. You should make it easier to use. / Dewey: You know we don't actually RUN Ebay, right? / Computer Victim: And get rid of those pop-up ads while you're at it!
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Monday, April 14, 2003 Mel: I've been looking at the budget. We need more revenue. / Dewey: I'm not doing another bachelor auction. / Mel: Could we do a better job collecting fines? / Dewey: I think I can safely say we couldn't do worse. / Mel: You're exaggerating. Surely people understand we mean business! / Patron: Here's a book I borrowed last year. I'd have brought the other one but it's holding my closet open.
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Tuesday, April 15, 2003 [[A patron is standing at the desk talking to Dewey.]] / Patron: I returned that book on time. / Dewey: It wasn't a book, it was a video. / Patron: Right. And I returned it on time. I distinctly remember. / Dewey: Okay, what video do you distinctly remember returning? / [[Mel walks up. Patron is walking away angry.]] / Mel: You're not supposed to have this much fun. / Dewey: Right, because being underpaid should be reward enough.
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Wednesday, April 16, 2003 Tamara: I see you have some fines here. / Lady: Do I? That's nice, dear. / Tamara: So if you wanted to... I mean, this would be a good time... / Dewey: Tamara, SAY IT! / Tamara: I WANT YOU TO PAY YOUR FINES TODAY! / Tamara: Thanks, Dewey. That was kind of cathartic! / Dewey: Also works getting houseguests to leave.
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Thursday, April 17, 2003 [[Dewey talking to Merv at the circulation desk.]] / Merv: Wow, you guys are getting hardcore about fines! / Dewey: Yes we are. / [[Dewey counting change]] / Merv: It's high time those scofflaws got their comeuppance! / Dewey: Mmm hmmm. / [[Dewey blocking Merv from a computer]] / Merv: As opposed to those who have made honest mistakes and deserve forgiveness. / Dewey: Not one minute of computer time until you pay every cent!
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Friday, April 18, 2003 Disgruntled Patron: What do you mean I can't check this book out? / Colleen: You have $273 in fines! / Disgruntled Patron: Listen, I pay my taxes! / Colleen: Not that many you don't. / [[In staff room]] / Mel: I hope our new "tough on fines" policy isn't too hard on you? / Colleen: We have a new policy?
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Saturday, April 19, 2003 Mel: Well technically you don't HAVE to pay your fines today... / Patron: Then I won't. / Dewey: The books you requested have mysteriously disappeared! / Another patron: I'm getting my checkbook out now.
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Sunday, April 20, 2003 Man: This book was due yesterday. Do I owe a fine? / Mel: Just a dime! / Man: Tell you what. I'll just wait until "Fine Amnesty Day". / Mel: But... that's not until next year! / Man: See you then! / Dewey: And they say the system is broken!
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Monday, April 21, 2003 Patron: I'd like the new books by Crichton, Grisham, and King. / Dewey: They're all check out. I can add you to the holds list. / Patron: How long will I have to wait? / Dewey: Let's see....about six months. / Patron [[in a library full of books]]: Six months? What am I supposed to read until then?
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Spring [[Dewey has a pile of books in front of him]] / Dewey: Ah, spring. When a young man's fancy turns to cataloguing. / Tamara: Really? / Dewey: You need to adjust your sarcasm meter. / Tamara: I don't do sarcasm. I'm a children's librarian. / [[Now we can see that Tamara is wearing a cute teddy bear sweater]] / Dewey: Sorry. It's just so easy to forget that about you. / Tamara: Are you doing it again?
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Wednesday, April 23, 2003 [[A woman is standing by a NO PETS sign with a small dog harnassed to her like a baby]] / Woman: Mommy just needs to pick up some books. Shall we get a book for baby too? / Woman: Baby was so hungry! That's right, eat it all! / Woman: Do you have children? / Dewey: No, but I'm hoping that when I do they'll have opposable thumbs.
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Thursday, April 24, 2003 [[A woman wearing hat, scarf and globes faces Tamara in the Children's Fiction section. The woman's daughter, wearing at least four hats, stands behind Tamara.]] / Woman: We lose 90% of our body heat through our heads! / Tamara: But it's spring! / Daughter: My neck hurts.
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Friday, April 25, 2003 Woman: Do you know what this book is WORTH? It should be protected! / Dewey: I still don't know how it ended up in the bathroom. / Woman: It should be locked away! It needs climate control, security! It's got to be preserved for generations to come! / [[Dewey is placing the book in the refrigerator]] / Dewey: Hand me the plastic wrap. / Woman: This isn't what I meant.
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Saturday, April 26, 2003 Man: You don't have that book? / Dewey: No. I could try getting it from a different library system. / Man: How long it THAT going to take? / Dewey: Hmmm. Do you believe in a higher power? / Man: Yes. / Dewey: Start talking to her.
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Sunday, April 27, 2003 [[Woman with Cyclop-like visor and apparent X on her chest is at Dewey's desk] / Dewey: Big X-Men fan? / Woman: Transsexuals? They're okay, why? / [[X is revealed to be the straps for her backpack]]
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Monday, April 28, 2003 Colleen: Make way! I'm late for my booktalk at the organic vegan Afghani cafe! / Tamara: Where's the English dictionary? I thought it was under the spare Burmese flag! / Dewey: Ever think we're a little TOO inclusive? / Mel: It might be with the Klingon holiday decorations. / [[There is a poster of Buddy with the words: Ethnicity of the Month, Rodent-American]]
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Tuesday, April 29, 2003 [[Dewey is helping an older female patron at the computer]] / Dewey: You've mixed a lot of format methods - tabs, tables, text boxes, headers, footers, and so on. / Dewey: I recommend you cut and paste the text into a new document bit by bit, keeping the format consistant. / Dewey: You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? / Patron: Can I buy paste here?
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Wednesday, April 30, 2003 [[A close up of Dewey and Mel talking at the Information Desk]] / Mel: You're spending too much time with that woman. / Dewey: I can't seem to get away from her. / Mel: Of course you can! Just walk away! / Dewey: No I mean it. / [[Wide shot of Dewey and Mel at the Information Desk with an older female patron on the floor holding on to Dewey's legs]]
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Thursday, May 01, 2003 [[Dewey and Merv are speaking to an older female patron working at a computer]] / Merv: Would you like help reformatting your file? / Patron: Umm... / Dewey: Go for it. Merv knows more about computers then I ever will. / Patron: That would be wonderful! Thank you so much! / Merv: It's my pleasure. / [[Dewey has been working with this patron for a long time]] / Merv: "Unlimited computer time for a month?" / Dewey: And worth every minute.
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Friday, May 02, 2003 [[Dewey looks desperate as he grips Tamera's shoulders]] / Dewey: I'm not here! I'm sick! In fact, I died! / Tamara: WHAT? / [[An older female patron speaks to Tamera at the desk]] / Patron: Is Dewey here? / Tamera: Er, No. I guess he isn't. / [[Dewey is hiding underneath the desk]] / Patron: I baked him this fruitcake to thank him for his help yesterday! / Tamera: I'll be sure to tell how NICE and GRACIOUS you were.
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Saturday, May 03, 2003 Library Tip #14: Understand the technology / [[A man is talking to Dewey, who has his arms spread horizontally to their maximum. The man's son is sitting, wide-eyed, at the computer]] / Man: Just how big ARE the holes on these internet filters?
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Sunday, May 04, 2003 "What's the hardest question you were ever asked?" / [[A woman holding a book faces Colleen holding Doreen.]] / Woman: Who's her *real* mother? / [[A child talks to Tamara.]] / Child: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? / [[Colleen stands with her arms folded, facing Mel who is sitting at her desk.]] / Colleen: Why didn't you give me a raise? / [[Dewey holds a stack of books while Merv reads a comic book.]] / Merv: How does the Invisible Woman see? Aren't her retinas transparent?
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Monday, May 05, 2003 [[A man with dark glasses and an ear wire is approaching Dewey, who is shelving books.]] / Man: Do you work here? / Dewey: Depends who you ask. How can I help you? / [[The man is showing Dewey a picture of Merv.]] / Man: What books has this boy checked out? How much time does he spend on computers? What websites does he visit? / [[Dewey is poking his head into Mel's office.]] / Dewey: Civil liberties violation in progress. / Mel: I told you, no new coffee until all the decaf is gone.
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Tuesday, May 06, 2003 [[Mel and Dewey are standing together in the library.]] / Mel: The FBI wants Merv's library records? / Dewey: So it would seem. / Mel: But why would anyone investigate Merv?!? / Mel: Okay, that was a dumb question. / Dewey: No, no, you're right. His encryption should have been unbreakable!
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Wednesday, May 07, 2003 [[Staff meeting]] / Mel: I am not supposed to say this, but the F.B.I. has requested a library patron's record. / Tamara: But they're private! / Mel: Not according to the PATRIOT Act. / Colleen: My Child deserves a better world! / Dewey: I purpose we purge all our patron records, quickly. / Mel: But we're librarians! We don't destroy information! / Buddy: [[Shredding a piece of paper with an "Insta Shred"]] You can't work for Ollie North and not learn a few things about shredding!
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Thursday, May 08, 2003 [[Ned walks in on a scene of shredding and data destruction]] / Ned: what on earth are you all in a frenzy about? / Dewey: we're destroying patron records so the government can't get them / Ned: well don't let me stop you. / Tamara: I think I shredded my lunch
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Friday, May 09, 2003 [[Dewey is talking to a man in black with an ear bud in one ear]] / Dewey: I'm afraid we longer have any patron records of any kind. / Man: That's very...disappointing. / Dewey: So go ahead. Cuff me. / Man: What? / Dewey: I admit it. I destroyed records. I obstructed justice. Is that an iPod? / Merv: Dad? / Dewey: "Dad"? / Man: The librarians here are very odd, son. / Merv: Was he singing the "Knight Rider" theme song again?
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Saturday, May 10, 2003 Mel: So the "F.B.I. agent" wasn't an agent at all? / Dewey: Nope. Just Merv's dad being really nosy. Sorry about the fire drill. / Mel: Maybe next time you could ask for some identification? / [[Buddy holding a box of shredded paper]] / Dewey: I guess. Not that I'd know a real F.B.I. badge if I saw one. / Buddy: I would! I've seen dozens!
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Sunday, May 11, 2003 [[Tamara and Mel are walking through the stacks.]] / Tamara: Our little brush with the PATRIOT Act was harrowing. / Mel: At least we have a policy now. / Tamara: Sheer, unadulterated panic is a policy? / Mel: It's always worked for me in the past. / Tamara: Let's go to the petting zoo. I need to hug a bunny.
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