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Stupid Pills [[Pained Jeffrey clutching his head, wearing shirt that reads 'OH NO']] / Voiceover; Do you feel all aliensated 'cause you like, know too much stuff? / Voiceover; Do your friends think you're all like, whatever? / Jeffrey; Too many thinkins all up in my noggin! / [[Pink pill with TEH imprint floating over a field of flowers.]] / Voiceover; Help is out there. / Voiceover; Ask your doctor about Stupid Pills. / [[Happy Jeffrey holding a pill container and wearing a shirt that reads 'Racing Cars Go FAST'. Pill container has caption reading 'E-Z OPEN CAP!']] / Voiceover; Stupid pills. Have you been taking them? / Jeffrey; It's more saftier to not wear your seatbelt 'cuz when you get in a crash you get throwed clear of dangers! / Jeffrey; What's ol' Lindsay Lohan up to?
Girlfriend Jeffrey: Baby can you come into my office pretty please with sugar on top? / Baby: I'm right /here/ Jeffrey! / Jeffrey: Can't you at least /pretend/ my office is inside an invisible, hermetically-sealed, magical force field through which germs cannot pass? / Jeffrey: Now the reason I axed you here is to figure out why you been actin' so ditzy lately. Have you been takin' /Stupid Pills/ or somethin'? / Baby: Weedmaster P is my /boyfriend/ now! / Jeffrey: Oh. Um. Like. Uh. Hmm. / Weedmaster P: Dick ass.
If It Makes You Happy JR: Baby, I don't think it's a good idea for you to date Weedmaster P on account of he's a degenerate drug addict. Also, weren't we dating at some point? / Baby: Yeh but we kept fergettin' t' keep datin'. / JR: Oh right. / Baby: But Weedy makes me all happy in my innards! He's a good boy in secret an' he knows the truths about things most folks ehn't even thought about! / JR: Like that the government is controlled by a secret group of satanic, reptilian aliens that orchestrated nine-eleven?* / Baby: Ehn't no sense in tryin' to stop 'em what with th' time-travelin'. / Bottom caption: *An actual conspiracy theory that enjoys an unusually popular following / Hover panel: Even if you could stop them they just keep going back in time and making sure Hitler gets born.
A Huge Mistake Jeff: Tallahassee, did you know Baby and Weedmaster P were a couple? / Tallahassee Econolodge: A couple of dirt-bags, heh heh. Yeah I knew! Everybody knew! Even ol' Winston knew, did you boy? / Winston: meep / Jeff: God dangit I will not have two pot-heads having sexy illicit encounters at my work office! Things are gonna change. / Jeff: Baby and Weedmaster P, as your boss at TopatoCo I command you to stop being a dating couple. / Baby: But Jeffrey, Weedy and I are gonna have a baby! / Weedmaster P: I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.
Abortion Depot Jeffrey: Weedmaster P, you KNOW the government made a law that you ain't allowed to ever reproduce... / P: I know I guess it's off to Abortion Depot for me and ol' Baby / Jeffrey: Nah, that's too controversial... say, do you still got that time machine? / P: Hell yeah / Jeffrey: And that shrink ray? / P: Well I hocked it to pay for the abortion / Jeffrey: I got an idea! / Jeffrey: Baby, this is YOUR decision. What do you choo-choo-choose? / Baby: It is socially an' ethically irresponsible for me t' bring a chile into this mis'rable ol' world. / Jeffrey: Atta girl. / [[8 1/2 WEEKS EARLIER]] / {P in spacesuit, fighting a sea of his own semen} / P: I got the orneriest-lookin one that was probably it / Jeffrey: {Watching on monitor} Nope, she's still preggers! Try again, Weedmaster P! / P: Dammit / Baby: THAT'S why I felt so tickly down there! / [[100 MILLION MICROSCOPIC SWORDFIGHTS LATER...]] / Jeffrey: Okay, that was the one! / P: Man why is it always the last damn one / Baby: {With shaved head} Wait, I changed me mind! / Jeffrey: Oh noes.
 
Channel Four [[ Jeffrey is talking to Baby, whose hair is short and splotchy. ]] / Jeffrey: What's that you're watchin' on the teevee, Baby. / Baby: Just tee vee, Jeffrey. / Baby: Just tee vee. / [[ View of a teal-haired female announcer on a television screen. ]] / Tee Vee Announcer: Up next on The Apology Channel, we'll find out which talk show host is apologizing to five separate groups after shouting the phrase "Honky-Lipped Freedom Wigger." / Tee Vee Announcer: Now back to part five of our six part mini-series "Ann Coulter: Faggots Go Home." / << CLICK >> / [[ A view of the TV screen with a C G C logo superimposed over pixelated, flesh-colored shapes. ]] / Tee Vee: Up next on The Celebrity Genitals Channel- Courtney Love in "You Can't Unsee It!"
Confusion JR: Baby, you sure seem sad since we went back in time and altered events so you ended up not gettin' knocked up! / Baby:It's all right, Jeffery. I invented a new perfume! I call it "Confusion." / Weedmaster P: IT'S JUST GIN / Baby: That means I drank my new perfume! A hoo a bloo! / JR: Aw, Baby! Do you want us to undo what we did so you can see how terrible it actually is to have a baby? / [[On screen are four versions of Jeffery. The first is wearing a light-and-dark-gray shirt with a quasi-camo pattern, is nearly bald, has a gray mustache, and a scar in the middle of his forehead. Jeffery 2 has black hair, a slightly more erect version of the classic JR 'stache, an eyepatch, and a white labcoat with a grown tie. Jeffery 3 is represented by just his head, which has no mustache, the presence of below-eye wrinkles to signify age, and a full head of gray hair with a thick shock of silver down the middle. All three are slackjawed.]] / Baby: Y...yes! / JR: Ok. / Old Jeffery 2: Don't do it, Jeffery! That kid turns out to be the next Hitler! / Old Jeffery 1: But he kills the Anti-Christ! / Old Jeffery 3: But the Anti-Christ invents time travel! / Bottom of panel: The actual confusion fragrance was 3 parts Drakkar Noir and 2 parts Febreeze. / Hover-over: I suddenly seem to have grown a shirt!
Labor Baby [[Jeffrey sits at his computer, shitless]] / Jeffrey [thought bubble, while typing]: Dear internet diary! What a crazy problem!! Do we go back in time and let Baby get preggers and give birth to the next Hitler even thogh we know he goes on to kill the Anti-Christ... / Tallahassee [Out of frame]: It's not your decision! / Jefferey: How did you- / Tallahassee: It's not up to you to decide if Baby has a baby, Jeffrey Rowland! Why don't you ax her what she wants? / Baby: I wanna 'ave a little baby! / Jeffrey: B-b-b-b-b-but / [[In a hospital]] / Caption: WHAT FEELS LIKE WEEKS LATER / Baby [giving birth]: AAAAAAUGH!! / Jeffrey [wearing a shirt and looking at watch]: Oh noes we're gonna be late to the Toronto Comics Festival! / Baby: IT'S OKAY!! GO ON! I UNDERSTAND! / Jeffrey: Sweet. / {{Comic caption: IT IS A WOMAN'S CHOICE WETHER OR NOT TO GROW BABY HITLER IN HER TUMMY}} / {{Alt text: Most comic strips right here would fixate entirely on the birth with a lot of close-up shots of the birth.}}
Let's Get Out of This Country [[ Jeffrey is chatting with Weedmaster P and the Poopmonster. ]] / Jeffrey: Is everybody ready to go to Canada? It's my first time to leave America! / The Poopmonster: Bullshit, you said you went to Mexico once. / Jeffrey: Yeah but I don't remember it. / Weedmaster P: WHAT HAVE I DONE / [[ Jeffrey reads from a paper emblazoned with the Canadian maple leaf. ]] / Jeffrey: According to this page, Canada has strange and unusual ways. Their year is 36 months long and instead of regular time they use metric. They have their own money but their preferred currency is jokes. / Weedmaster P: WHAT ABOUT DOPE IS IT ILLEGAL TO HAVE FUN LIKE IT IS HERE / Jeffrey: Apparently heroin is legal and marijuana smoking is mandatory! / Weedmaster P: DUDE I'm GOIN' / Jeffrey: But you ain't allowed to leave the country! / Weedmaster P: I WILL CLING TO THE UNDERSIDE OF THE CAR LIKE CAPE FEAR
TCAF [[ Jeffrey, Tallahassee Econolodge, Weedmaster P, the Poopmonster, and a brown haired woman are walking together. ]] / Narrator: TORONTO- FRIDAY NIGHT... / Weedmaster P: OKAY EVERYBODY STAY VILIGANT WORD ON THE 'NET IS THEY GONNA BE DAYFREE FOOLS UP IN HERE... / [[ Nature Boy Ryan North is leaning against a wall; Kyle Macninja appears to be playing a handheld game. A sign which reads "Dayfree Press" is pinned to the wall. ]] / Weedmaster P: OH SHIIIT IT'S NATURE BOY RYAN NORTH AND KYLE MACNINJA / [[ Weedmaster P charges forward brandishing a sword, as a random Canadian boy wearing a maple leaf tee shirt reacts. ]] / Weedmaster P: ON MY MARK UNLEASH HELL / Random Canadian: Hey! You can't do that here! This is Canada! / [[ Jeffrey consults his "CANADA TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY" ]] / Jeffrey: Hold on hold on let me translate... / [[ Jeffrey addresse Nature Boy Ryan North and Kyle Macninja. ]] / Jeffrey: What are... you guys... talkin'... aboot... eh. / Nature Boy Ryan North: Violence is illegal in Canada, Jeffrey Rowland! / Kyle Macninja: Yup. / Jeffrey: That's not true, Ryan North! What about Violence Ball? Isn't Violence Ball your Kingdom's number one activity? / [[ Jeffrey consults his dictionary again. ]] / Jeffrey: I mean "hockey."
 
Guest comic by Kyle MacNinja [[ Jeffrey faces off with Dr. Ninja. A small white disk(a monocle?) pops out from Dr. Ninja's face. ]] / Jeffrey: HEY, DOCTOR NINJA. WATCH... / << pop! >> / [[ Close up of Jeffrey's angry face. ]] / Jeffrey: ..THIS! / [[ Jeffrey crouches low to the ground, with Dr. Ninjs standing by. ]] / Dr. Ninja: OK. / [[ Jeffrey soars into the air as Dr. Ninja looks up at him, surprised. ]] / [[ Jeffrey tucks and performs several sommersaults in the air. ]] / [[ Jeffrey lands near a grey-haired woman using a walker. ]] / [[ The grey-haired woman throws her walker aside. ]] / Grey-haired Woman: I'M CURED!
Canadian Oppression [[ Jeffrey and Ryan North are leaning on a hedge. Jeffrey is holding a bottle of Canadian brew. ]] / Jeffrey: You know what I like about Canada, Ryan North? It doesn't feel like everything's about to explode and you can't see everybody's butt cracks. / Ryan North: Canada's got problems, eh. / [[ Kean Soo (who is wearing a shirt that reads "KEAN") is on the scene. ]] / Kean Soo: Yeah! Did you know that in Canada it's illegal to sell porn that has more than 15 men in it? / Jeffrey: 15?! The most I've ever had the need for was nine! / Jeffrey: What happens if you get nailed with some 16-dude porn? / Kean Soo: A special constable will come to your house and give you a stern, disappointed glare.
Leaving Toronto [[ Jeffrey is making to flee Canada, while Weedmaster P cradles an enormous joint in his arms like a baby. ]] / Jeffrey: We have to excape Canada, it's too crazy! They put mayonaisse on their freedom fries and they're cool with gays and they have a two-dollar coin with a picture of a woman on it!! / Weedmaster P: BUT I HAVEN'T SMOKED ALL OF THE WEED IN CANADA YET / Weedmaster P: THERE IS SOME LEFT / [[ Dr. Ninja waves a Canadian flag, with Ryan North and Tallahassee Econolodge standing nearby. ]] / Dr. Ninja: Defect with us, Jeffrey Rowland. No longer shall we live in fear of the statistically improbable. Join us or be... destroyed. / Tallahassee Econolodge: Ryan North said I can stay with him. / Ryan North: Come to Canada! There's nothing to complain about here and your comics can be funny again! / Jeffrey: ARGH / Jeffrey: Sure Canada is great if you don't believe God is a white man that cares about politics and sports but I believe America can magically become a better place all of a sudden. / Jeffrey: Guys, I believe in America. I also believe in space aliens and Loch Ness Monsters and magical angels that ride unicorns but does Canada have any of those things? I think not. / Ryan North: Actually-- / Jeffrey: Y'all can stay if you want but I'm goin' back to America and I'm gonna make it my mission that at least 50% of American adults can find Canada on a map. / Jeffrey: Au revoir, commies. / [[ An aerial view of the grey metropolis of Buffalo, NY. ]] / Narrator: 3 HOURS LATER - BUFFALO, NY / Jeffrey: What a shithole! / {{ Background photographs by Dave Roman and Raina Telgemeier }}
Baby's Having Babies [[ Jeffrey and Weedmaster P return home. Weedmaster P wears a green shirt that is inscribed "GARY" ]] / Jeffrey: We're back from Canada, Baby! Did the doctor ever get that baby out of you? / Weedmaster P: IS IT STILL ALL SLIMY AND CREEPY / [[ Short-haired Baby holds a cloth covered bundle in her lap. ]] / Baby: I did, Weedmaster P. I had me a lil' baby. / [[ Baby now holds her baby up to face us - its skin is green, it has long pointed ears, and a small thatch of blond hair. Its mouth is wide open, exposing widely spaced rows of small pointy teeth. ]] / Baby: Idn't it beautiful? / [[ Back to Jeffrey and Weedmaster P. ]] / Jeffrey: Oh God it's hideous! / Weedmaster P: OH NO I SCREWED UP MY DUDE SAUCE WITH ALL THAT DOPE / Jeffrey: Weedmaster P, I got a feelin' you ain't the daddy of that little baby. / Weedmaster P: WHAT DO YOU MEAN / [[ Joanna is lying on a table as Machine Elf, dressed in a silver suit, stands nearby. Both are the same color green and have similarly spaced eyes as Baby's new baby. ]] / Jeffrey: Look... closer! / [[ Close up of a screeching Machine Elf, teeth bared. ]] / << SCREEEEE SCREEEEE >> / [[ Weedmaster P is puzzled, while Jeffrey squinches his eyes in frustration. ]] / Weedmaster P: I DON'T GET IT / Jeffrey: Machine Elf is Baby's baby daddy! / Weedmaster P: WHAT
The Spawn-Child [[ A smiling, short-haired Baby cuddles her baby as the silver-suited Machine Elf hovers nearby. ]] / Weedmaster P: SO THAT UGLY LITTLE BABY THING IS GONNA GROW UP TO BE THE NEXT HITLER / [[ Jeffrey and Weedmaster P are in the house. ]] / Jeffrey: Yeah but he grows up to vanquish the Anti-Christ, who is incidentally the inventor of time travel. / Weedmaster P: BUT ALL OF THIS HAPPENED ON ACCOUNT OF TIME TRAVEL / [[ Weedmaster P now holds a handgun. ]] / Jeffrey: Yeah... so how come this is even happening at all? / Weedmaster P: I GUESS BECAUSE WE STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO KILL THE SPAWN-CHILD / Jeffrey: But if we do nothing then won't time travel just uninvent itself? / [[ Jeffrey sits before a red telephone ]] / Weedmaster P: FUCK IT LET'S JUST GET LOADED / Jeffrey: B-but you won't be able to travel in time ever again! / Weedmaster P: I DON'T CARE BORING IS ETERNAL / Jeffrey: I'LL CALL PIZZA SHELTER / [[ Baby runs into the room, as Jeffrey looks at his wristwatch. ]] / Baby: Jeffrey, help! My little baby just flew out the window! / Jeffrey: Three... two... / [[ Jeffrey is now dressed smartly in a purple coat and yellow bow-tie, holding an orange-colored drink in a martini glass. Weedmaster P is also wearing a coat, and long-haired Baby, dressed in a fetching frock, enters. ]] / Narrator: ONE SECOND LATER... / Jeffrey: Weedmaster P! Did you go back in time and steal my fortunes?! / Weedmaster P: I HAD TO PAY THE FINE FOR STARTING WORLD WAR I. / Baby: Have you guys heard the new KURT COBAIN song? / Weedmaster P: I HATED NIRVANA TOO
 
Fight [[ Weedmaster P is chatting with Jeffrey while holding a bottle of Johnnie Walker Green and wearing a shirt inscribed "BIG FUN" ]] / Weedmaster P: HEY LET'S GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND MAKE THEM FIGHT TO THE DEATH LIKE ALL THE OTHER COOL RICH DUDES / Jeffrey: That's not right, Weedmaster P! It's wrong to do that! / Weedmaster P: BUT YOU HATE DOGS / Jeffrey: Just because you hate something doesn't mean it has to die for your amusement! If that was the case 75% of the world's humans would be fighting to the death right now. / Weedmaster P: BUT 75% OF THE WORLDS POPULATION IS FIGHTING TO THE DEATH RIGHT NOW / Jeffrey: Yet for some reason I am not amused.
Free TV with Membership Jeffrey: I just went joggin' on the trail and a dang old wasp flew in my nose and stung me behind the eyeball. / Jeffrey: And the other day a big ol' cougar tried to claw off my face so I hypnotized it with a bunch of bottlecaps I still had in my pocket. / Tallahassee: Why don't you just join a gym, Jeffrey? / Jeffrey: Too many god-dang teevees. / {{title text: Man why do mad critters always go straight for the face}}
More Toronto Tales Matt Forsythe: Do you know where we are? / [[Jeffrey is leaping into the air]] / Jeffrey: You in the jungle, baby! / [[Jeffrey is uncomfortably close to Matt Forsythe, who appears displeased]] / Jeffrey: You gonna diiiiiieee!!!
Love in an Airport Bathroom [[ Jeffrey and Weedmaster P are outside near some metal towers (cell phone?). Weedmaster P is holding a black suitcase under his arm and is wearing a shirt inscribed "OWEN" ]] / Jeffrey: Hey where are you going? We have work to do! / Weedmaster P: I'M GOING TO THE AIRPORT TO HAVE A KINKY ANONYMOUS SEX RENDEZVOUS IN THE BATHROOM / [[ Weedmaster P touches is right hand to the heel of his uplifted right foot. ]] / Weedmaster P: ACCORDING TO THE NEWS ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS PUT YOUR SUITCASE IN FRONT OF YOUR STALL DOOR AND TAP ON YOUR RIGHT FOOT AND WHOEVER IS IN THE STALL NEXT TO YOU WILL HAVE DIRTY SEX WITH YOU / Weedmaster P: AS LONG AS IT AIN'T A COP / Jeffrey: But that only works if you want to have gay sex! / Weedmaster P: DUH THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO THE LADIES ROOM
O Come All Ye Sketchy [[ Jeffrey and J.C. are sitting at a bar. J.C. has a can of Diet Coke. ]] / Jeffrey: Hey, J.C., don't it tick you off that most folks only start to believe in you after they get busted doin' somethin' mad sketchy? / J.C. You take what you can get, Jeffrey. / J.C. Out of all the infinite worlds in the Universe, my Dad made this one slobbering, degenerate species with a chance at eternal awesomeness, yet the majority of you either believe in something else, or you think our way is crazy. / Jeffrey: But... it is kinda crazy if you think about it... / J.C.: Look, I didn't get tortured to death so you could "think about it." Now, get on our team and help us fight the Army of Satan that my Dad also created.
O Come All Ye Sketchy [[Jeffrey and Jesus Christ (J.C.) at a bar. J.C. is drinking a Diet Coke.]] / Jeffrey: Hey J.C., don't it tick you off that most folks only start to believe in you after they get busted doin' somethin' mad and sketchy? / J.C.: You take what you can get, Jeffrey. / J.C.: Out of all the infinite worlds in the Universe, my Dad made this one slobbering, degenerate species with a chance at eternal awesomeness. Yet the majority of you either believe in something else, or you think our way is crazy. / Jeffrey: But... it is kinda crazy if you think about it... / J.C.: Look, I didn't get tortured to death so you could "think about it." Now, get on our team and help us fight the Army of Satan that my Dad also created.
 
Gotta Get Back in Time [[ Jeffrey is seated at a table, wearing a monocle. A clear-eyed Weedmaster P walks in wearing a green shirt inscribed "HUH" and carrying a STORE grocery bag. There is a mounted head of a long-horned beast hanging from the blue wall behind them. ]] / Weedmaster P: BOY I TELL YOU WHAT I ABOUT HAD IT WITH THIS GOD DANG NOT HAVIN' A TIME MACHINE CRAP / Jeffrey: Aw, not bein' able to go back in time and kill hookers gotcha down? / [[ Weedmaster P stands in front of the open freezer, waving an ice cube tray. ]] / Weedmaster P: WELL YEAH BUT I USED TO BE ABLE TO GET RIPPED AN' GO TO THE STORE 'CAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY 'BOUT FORGETTIN' SHIT CUZ I COULD ALWAYS GO BACK AND REMIND MYSELF BUT NOW I GOTTA PAY "ATTENTION" / [[ Weedmaster P's eyes are now red, mathcing his red shirt inscribed "OH NO." He carries a bag of ice under his arm. ]] / Jeffrey: You could just make a list... hey, you decided to invent a time machine just now, didn't you? / Weedmaster P: IT WAS THE FIRST THING I WROTE ON MY LIST
Go for the Jaguars [[ Jeffrey, laid out on a counter holding an empty champagne flute, and a disshevled Tallahassee Econolodge are in a dumpy kitchen. There are cracks in the walls and ceiling and a large brown stain on one of the cabinets. ]] / Tallahassee Econolodge: Jeffrey, were we really rich for a couple of days and then suddenly not rich anymore? / Jeffrey: Yeah, that was fun. / [[ Tallahassee Econolodge holds open her full handbag. Joanna is perched on top of the refrigerator in the background. ]] / Tallahassee Econolodge: OK so that explains why I have a champagne hangover and a nine hundred dollar purse full of scratch tickets. / Jeffrey: We're better off bein' poor anyway, Tallahassee. Nobody likes rich people; everybody thinks they're jerks. / Tallahassee Econolodge: That's just a lie that poor people believe to keep from Killing the rich people.
Time Reaper [[ Tallahassee Econolodge, Jeffrey, and Weedmaster P appear to be gathered outside a mauve-colored building. ]] / Tallahassee Econolodge: I still don't understand how we can have a time machine and be poor. / Jeffrey: I would explain it but I can't mentally process it... / Weedmaster P: WELL ALL OF A SUDDEN I DECIDED I WANTED A TIME MACHINE REAL BAD / [[ Weedmaster P is splattered in blood, holding a bloodied meat cleaver. The dismembered head of Jeffrey lies in a pool of blood on a table. ]] / Weedmaster P: SO THEN I KILL'T OL' DICKNUTS HERE AND TOOK ALL HIS MONEY AND SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE AND MONEY BUILDING THE TIME MACHINE THAT I GAVE TO MY YOUNGER TEENAGE SELF / Jeffrey's dismembered head: You know, you could have just axed! / Weedmaster P: QUIET YOU / [[ Weedmaster P stands with one arm around Jeffrey, who looks unconfortable. ]] / Weedmaster P: BUT THEN I FELT BAD AND WENT TO THE DAY BEFORE I KILL'T JEFFREY AND BRUNG HIM TO THE DAY AFTER I KILL'T HIM / Jeffrey: It's so cold when you touch me.
Holding Out for a Hero [[ Joanna is stuck upside down from among the branches of a leafless tree as Jeffrey reaches towards her, his right foot braced against the tree's trunk. ]] / Baby (off panel): Jeffrey, what're ya doin'? / [[ Jeffrey kneels on the grass as Baby approaches. ]] / Jeffrey: >GASP< I'm tryin' to get ol' Joanna out of that tree! / Baby: Why dont'cha call th' fire brigade department? / Jeffrey: Yeah, they don't actually get cats out of trees. / Jeffrey: It's a dang urban legend. / [[ Baby stands, hands together, looking upward thoughtfully. ]] / Narrator: LATER... / [[ Baby looks at a poster on the wall, which depicts a man wearing overalls and a hat with the initials NYFD, posing heroically as he plunges a flag pole into a pile of rubble. ]] / [[ Baby stands on a box on tiptoes and begins to take down the poster from the wall. ]]
Changin' [[ Jeffrey is ready for exercising, dressed in black shorts, a red bald eagle t-shirt, and an orange baseball cap with the word JAMS on the front. ]] / << JINGLE JANGLE >> / Jeffrey (thinking): God dang it I forgot to take the change outta my pocket / [[ Jeffrey, with his hand resting atop a wooden railing. ]] / Jeffrey (thinking): Goodbye, change. / [[ Close up view of coins--65 cents--on the railing, three fingers of his hand resting on the rail nearby. ]] / [[ Jeffrey is jogging, sweat staining his green t-shirt, which is inscribed with the word AIDS, and his khaki baseball cap (which says "OH HAI") ]] / Narrator: 2 WEEKS LATER... / Jeffrey (thinking): Heh I wonder if that dang ol' change is still there... / [[ View of the coins on the railing, this time showing more coins than before--now totalling 97 cents. ]]
 
Free Hugs Day [[ Jeffrey and Baby are standing in front of a purple building. Baby holds a sign that reads "free Hugs" and wears a pair of green horns (or perhaps cat ears) on her head. ]] / Jeffrey: Did I get so drunk I forgot I'm still at Comic-Con? / Baby: No! It's free hugs day to remember nine-eleven! A terrorist can't hijack a plane when yer huggin' 'im! / Jeffrey: Wake me up when It's $25 Hug Day! / Jeffrey: Don't leave me hangin! / Baby: Jeffrey, you can't charge for hugs! Exploitin' "Free Hugs Day" for yer own pers'nal benefits is wrong! / Jeffrey: There must be a way! / [[ Close up view of one of those red ribbon car magnets, which displays the caption "FREE HUGS DAY / NEVER FORGET" ]] / [[ Jeffrey is sitting in a teal-colored room, clenching his fists and looking angry. Baby enters the room with arms outstretched. There is a bomb sitting on a nearby cabinet. ]] / Jeffrey: I'm stone cold broke and if I don't get a hug soon I'm gonna go on a murderin' rampage! / Baby: Happy "Free Hugs" day, Jeffrey! / Jeffrey: I wish I woulda knowed that before I spent two hundred dollars on hugs yesterday! / Baby: It's Free Hugs Day because of nine-eleven. / [[ A conference room at Snuggleco. There are little white bears in red and pink business attire around a meeting table. A graph on the wall shows a swift and steep downward trend. A handgun is on the table before them. They look sad. ]] / Narrator: MEANWHILE AT SNUGGLECO
Six Nine Elevens [[ Jeffrey is standing at the front of a classroom behind a podium, wearing a white shirt and red tie. There is a chalkboard behind him, on which is drawn a picture of the twin towers of the World Trade Center. Weedmaster P sits in a desk chair before him with his right arm raised in the air. ]] / Jeffrey: Today is nine-eleven, AKA "Patriot Day." What does that mean to us? / Jeffrey: Weedmaster P. / [[ Weedmaster P is sitting in a green student desk in front of a chain-link fence outdoors. ]] / Weedmaster P: IT MEANS YOU CAN ALMOST BLOW UP A WHOLE GOD-DAMNED CITY AND NOT GET IN TROUBLE FOR IT AS LONG AS YOU HIDE IN A CAVE AND MAKE TAPES OF YOURSELF TALKIN SHIT / [[ Jeffrey now stands beside the podium, his arm around his sister, Mashley, who waves a small American flag. A poster of a bald eagle and the burning World Trade Center towers is on the wall behind them. ]] / Jeffrey: Correct! It also means that my sister Mashley is seventeen today! And to make sure she's safe, our government has set up a plan so that she might not be allowed to vote next year.
Hooking Mama [[Just another room in the world, Jeff sitting on a couch, Weedmaster P holding an alcoholic beverage]] / Jeff: Your mom is a hooker / Weedmaster: No she ain't / [[Jeff looks away, Weedmaster P drinks from bottle]] / [[Close up on Weedmaster P Throwing aforementioned bottle]] / Weedmaster: She got FIRED / {{test title: Hooking Mama}}
Sudden Death Syndrome [[ Tallahassee Econolodge and Jeffrey are standing outside a castle-like structure. Tallahassee has her hair in pigtails and is wearing safety goggles while examining a decorated cube. ]] / Jeffrey: Tallahassee I was just on the Intraweebs lookin' at pictures of ingrown toenails and I found out about somethin' called Sudden Death Syndrome. / Tallahassee Econolodge: What's that? / [[ Jeffrey stands shirtless with arms outstretched. His nipples and bellybutton make the front of his torso look like a sad face. ]] / Jeffrey: It's where you just die. / Jeffrey: For no apparent reason. / Jeffrey: All of a sudden. / Jeffrey: You just die. / Tallahassee Econolodge: That's the worst thing I ever heard, isn't it? / Jeffrey: No! Insurance companies aconsider it a "pre-existing condition."
Perpetual Self [[ Jeffrey is jogging, wearing a red head band and holding a barbell in each upraised hand. Joanna is riding in a yellow sling around his neck. ]] / Jeffrey: We're gonna beat Sudden Death Syndrome, ain't we, Joanna? We're gonna live forever! / [[ Jeffrey is no longer holding the barbells. ]] / Jeffrey: And we're gonna watch all the people we care about get old and die! And we're gonna watch all their descendants slowly evolve into strange beings that consider us to be pointless relics! / Jeffrey: And after the sun dies and the universe theoretically collapses and re-expands, we're just gonna hang out somewhere and wait for a new life form to achieve a level of sentience to understand that we are rubbing it in their faces!
 

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