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Phelps {{Title: Phelps}} / [[Interior of nice, Victorian home. Blond-haired woman with glasses and a freedom-eagle shirt stands next to JJR. She is making an odd motion with her hands.]] / Woman: Wee! I'm Michael Phelps! / JJR: Who's That? / JJR: Oh I know! He's that guy from that Westboro Baptist Church...
Sweet Georgia Brown Weedmaster P: THEM DAMNED OL RUSSIANS CAUGHT A BIGFOOT IN RUSSIAN TERRITORY / Jeffrey: No, Weedmaster P, they caught the Bigfoot in Georgia, not Georgia. / Weedmaster P: YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE AT ALL / Jeffrey: Georgia is the United State where they have Dragon Con. Georgia is a former USSR state...
Thirty Seconds Weedmaster P: I JUST SEEN SOMETHING ON INTERNET THAT I DIDN'T LIKE AND I FEEL AS THOUGH I WASTED THIRTY SECONDS OF MY TIME / Jeffrey: Well if you add that to the time you spend walkin' in here and complainin' about it you're up over two minutes and counting. / Weedmaster P: OH GOD I'M WASTING TIME AND...
The Croc Hunter Jeffrey just blasts the hell out of a Croc with no remorse
Crazuary Jeffrey: My brain's gone so crazy that I can't remember what month it is! / Paperklip: It's the craziest month. It's CRAZUARY!! / Jeffrey: what / Paperklip: Crazuary is only 15 days long but you gotta pay a full month's rent~ / Jeffrey: The first day of Crazuary is 4 hours long and the last day is 72 hours~ / Paperklip:...
 
Corpulent Momma Be Trippin' Jeffrey: Yo momma's so fat when you spin her around real fast she detects supercolliders. / Weedmaster P: Ya mama so stupid she need an instruction manual to use the bathroom and she don't know how to read it / Jeffrey: Yo momma's so fat that one time she lost some weight and the year got ten days longer. / Tallahassee...
Naked Party Jeffrey we're all going camping this weekend so you've got the whole mansion to yourself for two days! / TRANSLATION: PISS SHIT, DICK BAG / I'll show you! I'm gonna have me a NAKED PARTY just like the ones they have in Europe! / Saturday: 11:57 PM... / This is the worst naked party I've ever had.
Love Letter to Vista Heading: Where have you been Jeffrey where are my comics at / [[Jeffrey is seated in front of a computer with mouse in hand. He looks scruffy and tired.]] / Jeffrey: Ass-crap! / <> / Jeffrey: Son of an ASS / <> / Jeffrey: Dick turds! / <> / Jeffrey: Shitty-assed ass turds! / [[Tallahassee...
Kerry Edwards' Vice President 1 Female Newscaster: Breaking news tonight... it looks like reclusive Firestorm Party presidential candidate Kerry Edwards is going to announce his vice presidential nominee at any moment! / Male Newscaster: The race to the White House is about to get white hot. / Female Newscaster: Let's overanalyze the...
Veep Meep Super: Labor Day / Jeffrey: Thank you all for coming to my event where I tell you who my vice president is on a holiday. / Unseen Reporter: Booo / Unseen Reporter: You suck / Jeffrey: I choose . . . Joanna! She's not black or white or Hawaiian, she's green-- like her policies! / Reporter 1: What / Reporter...
 
Facebook Weedmaster P: Hey Dickass I can't figure out what the hell Facebook for / Jeffrey: I'll show you, Weedmaster P! / Jeffrey: You log in . . . / Weedmaster P: Uh huh / Jeffrey: And you see all these applications? / Weedmaster P: Yes / Jeffrey: You just scroll down and delete them all. / Weedmaster P: Then what / / Jeffrey:...
Know Your American Super: Good Ole Boys/Girls / Weedmaster P: Me an' Earline got to live in th' truck on account of the chicken plant got bought by Asia / Baby: I think mah water done broke't! / Super: Average American / Tallahassee Econolodge: So I says to him, I says "What's it gonna be, the car payment or the mortagage...
Street Terlet Jeffrey: Woah, look Weedmaster P! It's a street terlet! / Weedmaster P: O mysterious street terlet what errible horrors have you known / Jeffrey: It's so depressing that after everything a terlet has to go through it ends up just gettin' cast aside like a common mental patient or disabled veteran. / Weedmaster...
The Trouble With Malaysia Tallahassee Econolodge: Jeffrey we're getting an unusual amount of orders from Malaysia! / Jeffrey: Can you trace the encryption stream? / Tallahassee Econolodge: I can now. / Jeffrey: I don't like the look of those nodes, Tallahassee. / Tallahassee Econolodge: Bitpacking kernels decompressing . . ....
Mashley 18 Weedmaster P: Happy 9/11 day assbags I made you a patriot cake / Weedmaster P: Blow the candles out / Jeffrey: 9/11?! Holy crud, it's my sister Mashley's 18th birthday! / [[Jeffrey flies a car through the air wearing a Speed Racer helmet]] / Jeffrey: Mashley I'm sorry I couldn't visit you for real on...
Mashley 18 Weedmaster P: Happy 9/11 day assbags I made you a patriot cake / Weedmaster P: Blow the candles out / Jeffrey: 9/11?! Holy crud, it's my sister Mashley's 18th birthday! / [[Jeffrey flies a car through the air wearing a Speed Racer helmet]] / Jeffrey: Mashley I'm sorry I couldn't visit you for real on...
 
The Japanese Version of The Passion of the Christ 2 Paperklip: The Japanese version of "The Passion of the Christ 2" is way scarier than the American version. / Weedmaster P: OH GOD DON'T REMIND ME I STILL START GAGGIN' WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT / Jeffrey: Oh man that scene where that guy got so upset that he committed suicide just by concentrating on not...
The Datsun Tunguska Car salesman: This here's the brand new Datsun Tunguska. It's got turbo nitro and goes 120,000 yards for every 1.75 liters of gas on concrete-surfaced, level roads when the barometric pressure is -- / Jeffrey: Does this thing got power windows? / Salesman: The Datsun Tunguska does not come with power...
Toe [[TITLE: Saturday night]] / JEFFREY: Aw crap! [[drops beer bottle on left foot]] / <> / JEFFREY: Ow! / [[TITLE: Monday morning]] / JEFFREY: Oh the pain... / [[closeup of left big toe swollen with black toenail]] / [[TITLE: Monday afternoon]] / [[JEFFREY sits on floor with left foot raised on a cushion]] / [[P.Z....
Ryan Estrada Day 2008 {{title text: And now... a brief interlude with / THE G0D OF TH3 1NT3RN3TS}} / Sheriff Pony: Thank you for meeting with us. Typically, my associate is quite reluctant to meet with deities, but he expressed great interest in meeting with you. / G0D OF TH3 1NT3RN3TS: W3 AR3 NO LONG3R 1N SPAC3. H3 CAN R3MOV3...
Kerry Edwards: The Factor Interview [[TV set; backdrop picture: Kerry Edwards, labeled "PIN-HEAD"]] / Bill O'Reilly: Welcome back to the "Factor." Tonight I'll be smugly and sarcastically "interviewing" "presidential candidate" "Kerry" "Edwards." / O'Reilly: You a patriot or a pinhead, Edwards? I really don't "have" time for this. / Edwards:...
 
Light Switch Jeffrey Rowland: Hey Tallahassee, what's this light switch do? / Tallahassee Econolodge: I don't know, I don't think it does anything... it's utterly pointless... / <> / [[SOMEWHERE IN MALAWI... ]] / {{A child explodes injuring a chicken}} / Jeffrey Rowland: Weeee! <...
Deathmole Jacques' Bachelor Party Jeffrey: Deathmole Jacques and Randall XKCD! Man, if this limo goes down it's gonna take out 25% of the whole damn cyberscape! / Jeff Jacques: Oh noes, then what would young people inappropriately obsess over? / Randall Munroe: Technically it's about 23.875 percent. / Jeffrey: That reminds me, did anybody...
HTIHBVSS [[Baby is happily brushing her hair.]] / [[Baby's hair has turned into snakes, all of which are vomiting blood.]] / <> / <> / [[Baby is freaking out. Jeff has a tail.]] / Baby: WAAH! AAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! / Jeff: Oh dear. Those kinds of awful, blood-curdling screams can mean only one thing... / Jeff:...
The Economy Tallahassee Econolodge: Oh God, the economy! / Weedmaster P: DO SOMETHING DICKASS THIS WHOLE FUCKERS GOIN TITS UP / Jeffrey Rowland: Chill out, bitches. I'm writing a check to America for $701 billion. / Tallahassee Econolodge: That doesn't make sense. Make that make sense to me. / Jeffrey Rowland: What's...
Exactly Like Me [[Kerry Edwards campaign trail]] / TV Interviewer: Kerry Edwards, I want a president to be someone I can identify with...someone who reminds me of ME. Are you like me? / Kerry Edwards: Heh, heh... / Oh, you're serious... / Interviewer: Yes. / Kerry Edwards: Y...YOU? / Interviewer: Yep. / Kerry Edwards: You're...
 
A Little Ditty [[FRIDAY]] / Tallahassee: Come on Jeffrey, it's time to go to Dr. Vampire's Wedding! / Jeffrey: Man I ain't goin to no danged wedding. Weddin's is all prissy and girly and I'm a tough guy from Oklahoma. / Tallahassee: Jeffrey! / Jeffrey: Weddin's is all "ooh look at me I found JOY in a world of...
Shakin' It Up [[Kerry Edwards at a podium speaking in an empty auditorium.]] / Kerry Edwards: As we crawl closer to the president voting day, I know some of you are still undecided. / Kerry Edwards: That's stupid. / Kerry Edwards: What is Wrong with you? / Kerry Edwards: As your president, I am not gonna "change"...
Using Other People's Showers [[Jeffrey standing up and Sarah Palin in bed, winking]] / Jeffrey:So...I'm just gonna take a shower now. / Sarah Palin: You betcha! / [[Bottle of Summer Frost Facial Cream]] / Jeffrey: What / [[Bottle of Sassy Janet's Pore Blaster]] / Jeffrey: Uh / [[Bottle of Madame Bastard Body Grout]] / Jeffrey: I... / [[Bottle...
Relevant Issues [[Kerry Edwards (who's secret identity is Jeffrey Rowland) and Sarah McCheese in a debate]] / Sarah McCheese: ... my opponent Kerry Edwards was living in Oklahoma City in 1995 when the bombing happened. He could have stopped it. He didn't. He just let it happen. / Sarah McCheese: Kerry Edward is in league...
Free Time Baby: Hey Jeffrey, if yeh win President how yeh reckon yer still gonna run TopatoCo? / Jeffrey: I figure with that sweet-ass President money I can hire me a couple of them illegal Mexicans. Plus apparently a President gets like six months of vacation a year and that's plenty of free time to come in...
 

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