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|The Smoothest Aphrodisiac||TV: ...vice president brutally gunned down his best friend in cold blood for no apparent reason... / Jeff: The world is full of hate because we destroyed Valentime's Day! / Weedmaster P: OH WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME WE BECOME EXTINCT ANYWAYS / Jeff: No! It's not time! We have to save love now as bad as we hate to! / Weedmaster P: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DROP A BUNCH OF ROOFIES IN THE WATER SUPPLY / Jeff: I was thinking more like wine coolers and ecstasy.|
|The Taint||Jeff: Well we tainted the world's water supply with Ecstasy. / Baby: Are people falling in love again? / Weedmaster P: WELL THERE'S GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS / Weedmaster P: IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN WE MURDERED CUPID PEOPLE NOT ONLY FORGOT HOW TO LOVE THEY FORGOT HOW TO MAKE LOVE / Jeff: What's the good news? / Weedmaster P: THAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS THE BAD NEWS IS THERE IS GONNA BE AN EPIDEMIC OF BIRTH DEFECTS / Jeff: Chill yo' bitch asses out. / I have an idea. / Jeff: C'mon, man! I'll give you anything you want! / Yes, even that. / Aight, then. / Topato: Sheriff Pony, ask your assistant to file the paperwork to delete the worldline in which Jeffrey Rowland murders the Godling "Cupid." / Sheriff Pony: Deleting a worldline for a human?! What did he promise you? / Topato: His pretty soul.|
|Absolutely Nothin'||Jeff: Yo, where are all the caucasian females located?! / Weedmaster P: DUDE THE NEW ABU GHRAIB PHOTOS HAVE DROPPED / CHECK IT / Jeff: Man, why are people such dicks to each other? / Weedmaster P: WE'RE LOOKIN' AT ECONOMICALLY DISADVANTAGED PEOPLE WHO ARE FORCED TO FIGHT BY DECEPTIVE LEADERS WHO CONVINCE THEM THEY ARE MORALLY SUPERIOR / Weedmaster P: THE WAR IS OPPRESSED PEOPLE WHO ARE WILLING TO DIE FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVE VERSUS OPPRESSED PEOPLE WITH LASER BAZOOKAS / Jeff: Who's gonna win? / Weedmaster P: THE COCK-A-ROACHES|
|This is Not Funny||[[Comic author Warren Ellis walks through a field with his sparrow sidekick]]
/ Warren Ellis: Come, Sparrow. Today is my birthday and my only wish is to travel to America and have you defecate on the head of Jeffrey Rowland.
/ Sparrow: Chee-caw!!! / [[Weedmaster P and Jeffrey are walking in front of a warehouse]]
/ Weedmaster P: IF THE PRESIDENT IS EVER CONVICTED OF WAR CRIMES ALL TAX PAYERS WILL BE ACCOMPLICES
/ Jeffrey: I'm not doing time for that guy! / [[Bird droppings land on Jeffrey's head]]
|I Am Good At Desiging T-Shirts||Weedmaster P: WOAH ARE THOSE THE NEW SHIRT DESIGNS / Jeff: Yep! / Weedmaster P: THOSE ARE AMAZING / Jeff: Thanks! / Baby: Ooh, can I get the Catbank one on a camouflage trench coat? / Jeff: No. / Weedmaster P: MAN HOW DID YOU GET SO GOOD AT DESIGNING T-SHIRTS / Jeff: Desperation. / Baby: Do you ever worry about all the competition with other Cyberspace T-shirt companies? / Jeff: No. They're all run by satanic pederasts.|
|Youth Gone Wild||Jeff: I have a dream! / [[ DARK SECRETS DAY CARE ]] / Weedmaster P: BE QUIET I AM ON THE PHONE WITH 50 CENT ASKING HIM IF HE WANTS TO DO AN EXTREMELY VIOLENT ANIMATED SERIES / HEAR ME OUT / FOR CHILDREN|
|Suddenly Human||Jeff: So... that's what happens after you die... do you know where I was before I was born? / Weedmaster P: MAN BEFORE YOU WAS BORN EVERYTHING WAS FINE / Weedmaster P: THEN YOU GET BORN AND IT'S LIKE SUDDENLY YOU'RE BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A SPEEDING JEEP AND YOU ARE BLINDFOLDED AND THE GAS AND THE BRAKES DON'T WORK / Weedmaster P: AND THEN YOU REALIZE YOU ARE WASTED-- / Jeff: Then what happens? / Weedmaster P: THEN YOU RUN OVER A LANDMINE|
|One Billion Served||Baby: iTunes is about to download its one billionth song! / Jeff: Only two of 'em are any good! / Jeff: Britney Spears' "Toxic" and the theme to "Dukes of Hazzard!" / The Poopmonster: Bullshit! BTO's "Takin' Care of Business" is the only good song! / Weedmaster P: THE SOUND OF TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS CASH SLAPPING AGAINST BARE FLESH IS THE GREATEST SOUND ONE COULD HEAR / Jeff: Checkmate.|
|Moment of Clarity||Jeff: Oh man, what the hell? / Jeff: Son of an ass. / Jeff: Not again.|
|Meanwhile at Pearly Gates Trailer Park||God: I don't care for that Jeffrey Rowland... / Boy! / BOY!! / Jesus: What, Dad?! / God: Are you drinkin' juice straight out of the container? / Jesus: Why do you bother askin'? You know everything. / God: Just stop it. You know that Jeffrey Rowland kid, don't you? / Jesus: He's that cartoonist, right? / God: Right. But he grows too powerful. He must be stopped. / Jesus: But I like his comics! / Jeff: Ow.|
|Racism Alley||Weedmaster P: OH SNAP I JUST SEEN THE POOPMONSTER TRYING TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB AND HE HAD ABOUT 20 PEOPLE HELPING HIM BECAUSE HE IS FROM POLAND / Jeff: That's racism! You're suspended! / Weedmaster P: MAN RACISM DOESN'T HURT ANYBODY IT'S HUMOROUS / Jeff: It may be unbelievably hysterical but it hurts people. / Jeff: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm starving and I can't find my food stamps. / Weedmaster P: DID YOU LOOK UNDER YOUR WORK BOOTS / Jeff: No.|
|Burnout!||Jeff: I am insanely burned out, Topato! Alls I wanna do is watch "Homicide" DVDs!
/ Topato: Let Sheriff Pony and I take you on an adventure most magical!
/ Sheriff Pony: Yes!
/ Jeff: Yay! / <
|Ghost Fighter||Baby: Jeffrey, do you believe in ghosts? / Jeff: Of course I do! Ghosts are as real as police brutality and political corruption! / Baby: Have ye ever seen a ghost? / Jeff: Heck, I fought a ghost one time! / True story.|
|The Enemy Within||Weedmaster P: THE PRESIDENT IS ALL PISSED OFF CUZ THEY WON'T LET HIM HAVE ARABS RUN THE PORTS / Jeff: But the United Arab Emirates has been our friends for a long time! / Weedmaster P: BUT THE PRESIDENT MADE EVERYBODY THINK ALL ARABS ARE TERRORISTS CUZ OF NINE ELEVEN / Jeff: But those terrorists were trained here, in America... that can mean only one thing! / Jeff: Everyone who believe what George Bush says is an idiot!|
|Blogsturbating||Narration: AFTER THE MC FRONTALOT SET... / Reporter: Jeffrey, can we ask you some questions for a documentary? / Jeff: Of course! / Fan: Jeffrey, I love your work! Can I get you to sign this? / Jeff: Yes! Let me answer these questions real quick. / Some dude: Jeffrey, a girl is here who wants to give you twenty dollars to kiss her. / Jeff: Jesus Christ.|
|The Nerdiest of the Nerds||Weedmaster P: HOLY JEEBUS WEBCOMICS JOURNALISTS HAVE GOT TO BE THE HUGEST NERDS ON EARTH / Jeff: But they're all so happy and well-adjusted! / Jeff: I'm wasting my time being a comic creator! Webcomics Journalism is where the cash be large! / Narration: LATER! / Jeff: Mr. Jon Rosenberg! Give up the dirt, holmes! What's nasty? / Jon Rosenberg: Today I purposefully shit on a crippled sparrow. True story. / Jeff: We'll be back right after webcartoonists develop some redeeming qualities.|
|The Sentient Life||The Poopmonster: My new iBlogoscope Pro tells me they've outlawed the removal of tapeworms from women in South Dakota! / Jeff: Confirmed! / Jeff: But a tapeworm doesn't have feelings... / The Poopmonster: It's about potential, bub! One gamma ray burst and that tapeworm could become sentient! / Jeff: Every time you masturbate God murders a hundred million orphans. / The Poopmonster: A vasectomy is technically an extinction level event.|
|Blog Song||The new iBlogoscope Pro. / Be the blog. / iMagine... / The Drudge Report in 360 degree Surround Sound... / In a Coffee Shop. / DREW / Being with Wonkette / when she updates... / Or at Least Being Able To / Convince Yourself You Are / CURTIS / SMELLING Xeni Jardin... / Now You're Bloggin.' / The new iBlogoscope Pro.|
|Chokeback Fountain||Jeff: Guys, look! I finally finished the book! / Baby: Wooooo!! SPRING BREAK!! / Jeff: My God... I had no idea! I nearly worked through Spring Break! / Weedmaster P: COME ON MAN WE'RE GONNA GET SHITTY AND GO WATCH BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN AND YELL AT THE SCREEN / Jeff: Do they actually show penetration in that movie? / Weedmaster P: No. / Jeff: I'm not really interested then. / Baby: Jeffrey only likes cowboy movies with full penetration.|
|The True Meaning of Spring Break||Jeff: Remember when Spring Break use to be special, Weedmaster P? How can we make it special again? / Weedmaster P: DRINK / VOMIT / REPEAT FOR ONE WEEK / Baby: SPRING BREAK!! WOOOO! / Jeff: Spring Break has become an MTV holiday! Its only purpose is to fatten the wallets of bail bondsmen and bead-makers! / Baby: What is Spring Break all about, Jeffrey Rowland? / Jeff: I don't know, Baby. But I'm gonna find out if I have to leer at every exposed breast and drink every tequila shooter in town.|
|An Important Holiday||Jeff: Whu-- what is this place? / Weedmaster P: WELCOME TO THE LIBERRY CHICKENDICK / WE HAVE TO LEARN HOW SPRING BREAK STARTED SO YOU CAN LET US ENJOY IT / Jeff: Why can't we just look it up on the intarwub? Why do we have to actually go somewhere? / Librarian: Sir, you can't be in the library with no shirt on. / Jeff: Screw the library! I'm going back to the intarwub where you ain't supposed to wear clothes! / Weedmaster P: WOW IT TURNS OUT SPRING BREAK IS THE ANNIVERSARY OF WHEN GOD BUILT THE UNIVERSE IN SEVEN DAYS|
|OVERCOMPENSATING: Spring Break!||Jeff: So God really did build the universe in seven days? / Weedmaster P: YES BUT HE SLEPT ONE IT SAYS SO HERE IN THIS BOOK / Jeff: But why did He do it? Because He got paid of because He just thought it would be awesome? / Weedmaster P: HE JUST DID IT BECAUSE / Weedmaster P: AND THAT'S WHAT SPRING BREAK IS ALL ABOUT JEFFREY ROWLAND / Jeff: Looks like I'm gonna have a little conversation... with God. / Baby: Spring Break! Wooo!|
|Snakes on a Stretch Limo||Jeff: Man, I hope we get invited to the premiere of Snakes on a Plane since we've been promoting is for free and we got new fancy clothes. / Baby: Why don't you just ask 'em? / Weedmaster P: HOPE / Jeff: It's rude to ask! Plus I don't know if I wanna fly all the way to Hollyweird just to see a movie. / Baby: Why not? / Jeff: Because there might be snakes on the plane!|
|Overcompensating: YHWH and Son||[[ A scarf-sportin' Jeffrey walks towards the Pearly Gates Trailer Park ]] / [[ Jeffrey at the door of a trailer, answered by Jesus' in a short white robe ]]
/ Jeffrey: I need to talk to your Dad.
/ Jesus Christ: Is there something I can help you with?
/ Jeffrey: Um... maybe later. / [[ Jeffrey and Jesus inside the trailer ]]
/ Jesus Christ: Dad! DAD! Jeffrey Rowland is here to talk to You! / [[ YHWH looking startled and/or confused ]]
/ YHWH: Huh? / [[ YHWH running away ]] / [[ Jeffrey running after YHWH ]]
/ Jeffrey: Hey, come back here!
/ YHWH: <
|Playing||[[A sign is visible. It reads: CAUTION DEAF CHILD PLAYING and has the silhouette of a running child]] / Jeffrey Rowland: I wonder what he's playing? / Baby: WHO CARES?! JUST DRIVE! / [[The revolver holding one bullet is seen]] / [[The revolver is shut and ready to fire]] / [[The silhouette of a person holding a gun to his head is seen. The word "click" is above him]]|
|Matriarchal Indignity||Jeff: Your momma's so stupid she turns on the English subtitles on British movies! / Weedmaster P: YO MOMMA IS SO CORRUPT THEY TAKE THE BIBLE OUT OF THE MOTEL ROOM WHEN SHE CHECKS IN / The Poopmonster: Your momma's so fat that she is going to have irreversible health problems. / Weedmaster P: SCREW YOU POOPMONSTER / Jeff: Weedmaster P is really sensitive about his fatass momma. / The Poopmonster: How fat is she? / Jeff: Let's just say she once mistook a school bus full of white kids for a Twinkie.|
|Misspent Leisure||Weedmaster P: WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING AT THE INTERNET JEFFREY WHY / Jeff: I'm locking my messageboard because people are being too obnoxious / Weedmaster P: MAN SOME OF THEM USED TO BE YOUR FRIENDS / YOU PRETENDED THEY DIDN'T IRRITATE YOU / Jeff: They changed. / Jeff: They've gone from wasting all day on the internet liking me to wasting all day on the internet not liking me. / Weedmaster P: MAYBE THEY'LL LET ME BE THEIR NEW FRIEND|
|RupertSpace||Jeffrey: Did you know that Rupert Murdoch owns myspace.com? / Poopmonster: He can have it. / Jeffrey: But Rupert Murdoch also owns Bill O' Reilly! That means every time you update your myspace profile, Bill O' Reilly tortures a kitten to death because it hates freedom! / [[NEWSCORP HEADQUARTERS]] / Rupert Murdoch: Remove Jeffrey Rowland from my myspace friends... and be sure to leave a comment. / Robot: YES, MY MASTER.|
|SyndiComics||Jeff: WAAAH / HAA / HAAAA!! / Weedmaster P: GET IT TOGETHER HONKY / THIS IS THE JOB / YOU A CARTOONIST / Baby: STOP IT!! STOP! / Jeff: I ain't a real cartoonist! I'm just a cyberspace cartoonist! It's like I'm a surgeon in Super Mario World. It ain't real. / Weedmaster P: MAN YOU AS REAL AS GAYFIELD AND DILBUTT / Jeff: But people don't choose to read "Dilbert!" It's a vicarious yet futile symbolic rebellion against a system they're powerless to change! / Weedmaster P: WHAT ABOUT GAYFIELD / Jeff: People identify strongly with lethargy and rejection. / Weedmaster P: AND OBESITY|
|Accomplish the Task||Jeff: Woah, is that a new sword, Weedmaster P?
/ Weedmaster P: HELL YEAH BUT THIS ONE HOLDS IN IT THE POWERS OF THE GOOD ANCIENTS
/ Larry the Cable Guy: Git 'er dun! / <
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