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|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Fairbanks: I am so happy to see that the government is finally doing something about the internet. That useless series of tubes has been tangled long enough! / Cecania: Yeah, right, you moron! Network neutrality is horribly unfair! / Fairbanks: WRONG! What's unfair is that these sad, misunderestimated media conglomeritizations that have worked hard for hundreds of years to get so powerful aren't given enough of an advantage on the internet, the ultimate media conglomeritization! And no, having billions of dollars to spend isn't enough of an advantage! / Cecania: Conglomeritization isn't a word. / Fairbanks: What's unfair is that a pimply-faced teen-age fatso in his grandparents' basement coulkd put AOL Sony Viacom out of business with the pull of a mouse lever! / Cecania: Mouses don't have levers. / Fairbanks: Cecania, the proper pluralitization of mouse is meeces. / Cecania: You know, I really should feel more depressed about the fact that you'll probably be President of the United States someday.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Cecania: Hello, Mother. I've graduated college. / Mother: Cecania! First you're arrested on television protesting the humane actions of our beloved president... / ...and now you're walking into our home looking like a porn star?! / Cecania: I hate you. I hate you so very much. / Mother: Why can't you be more like your wonderful brother Fairbanks? / Cecania: He killed people! He killed two people! / Mother: In self-defense! / Cecania: It's not self-defense when you kill two people for looking "suspicious"! / Mother: Well, the jury disagreed with you and your horrible testimony! / Cecania: Only because 9-11 happaned the week before. / Mother: Stop saying that!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Mother: Cecania, if you're going to live under my oxygen-pumped roof and eat my ultra-delicious food, you're obligated to work at your brother's video game shoppe. / Cecania: That's not fair! You gave him $80,000 to start that stupid place! Why can't you give me $80,000 to do whatever I want with? / Mother: I'm not very fond of you. Your very existence is a minor tragedy, really. I wrote a wonderful poem about this many years ago-- / Cecania: SHHHH! If Fairbanks is so... not a stupid murderer, then why does he need me towork there for free? Why can't he hire anyone his heart desires? / Mother: He is such a moral person that he refuses to stock violent video games in his shoppe! He was personally given a major award by Senator Joe Lieberman for his efforts in slamming evil! / Cecania: Senator Joe Lieberman is the only person who has ever set foot in Fairbanks' store, isn't he? / Mother: Yes.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Cecania: This is the moment where I begin to deeply regret my decision to merit in "TV Horror Show Hosting." A lot. / Cecania: Curse you, Cassandra "Elvira" Peterson! Curse you for being such an abnormally large influence over my entire life. / Fairbanks: Hmmm... Maybe Christian rock is too rowdy... / Fairbanks: Oh my lord it's a customer! / Fairbanks: Don't go we're open I'm Fairbanks the owner-- / Fairbanks: YOU! / Cecania: Me.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Fairbanks: Why're you here? You hate me! You tried to send me up the river! / Cecania: My passion in life is nigh-impossible to do for a living... / Cecania: ...so Mother is making me work here for my room and board. / Fairbanks: HA HA! This is beautiful! I have my very own slave labor! I feel like a U.S. corporation in China! Now I can devote myself solely to thinking up bold new ideas to attract new customers and ring up sales! / Fairbanks: BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Cecania: First of all, "buy one, get one free" is not a bold new idea-- / Fairbanks: I smell someone who is jealous of my outside the box genius! Jealous with envy! / Cecania: Second of all, even that age-old business chestnut could never ever ever work here. No one in their sane mind would possibly want to buy one thing in this store, let alone two. Proof of this fact is... / Cecania: "Teletubbies Journey Through Nebraska"... / ...is by far the best title on your shelves. / Fairbanks: UNFAIR! Nebraska is an incredibly dangerous place, full of strange enemies and obstacles! The restrooms in the Lincoln Children's Museum are so filthy that you lose a life if you use them! / Cecania: The Lincoln Children's Museum? That's an actual level in this game? / Fairbanks: I dunno, never played the game before... I have been to Nebraska before, though. *shudder*|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Cecania: Hmm. I can vaguely understand why an up-right conservative guy like yourself wouldn't carry games like "Grand Theft Auto: Hooker Hunt" in Sore Thumbs... / Cecania: ...but why not the "Mario" games? They're classic, and A-OK for all ages and sexes! / Fairbanks: GASP! C'mon, Cecania! Everybody knows that Mario was specifically designed to represent an erect male penis! / Cecania: What?! That's crazy, Fairbanks! / Fairbanks: You can't tell me Mario sliding through those tubes doesn't represent promiscuous, unprotected lovemaking! / Cecania: Unprotected? He's wearing a plumber's outfit! / Fairbanks: Yes... all right, I stand corrected. Mario has promiscuous, protected sexual relations with the large tubes. / Cecania: Damn right!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Harmony: Cecania! / Fairbanks: Another customer, hooray! I feel like I've taken an illegal drug that supports terrorism! / Cecania: That's not a customer, that's my best friend! Harmony, what are you doing here? / Harmony: Your mother said you'd be here! I'm here 'cause you're here and I missed you and I learned that working at a job is hard so I quit it! / Cecania: You quit your job? / Harmony: YEAH HUH! Now you an' me can just hang out and watch TV and make fun of everything all day long from now on! / Cecania: But you're a doctor! You're a medical prodigy! / Harmony: That's what everybody says, but answer me this, smarty pants: Would a medical prodigy doctor quit and run off while in the middle of a brain operation that she is the head surgeon on? / Cecania: If that medical prodigy doctor is you, I would say... Yes. / Harmony: How did you guess it was me?! You know me so well... none of my so-called "doctor" co-workers could answer that question correctly!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Harmony: So what's the deal with this place, anyway? / Cecania: My brother Fairbanks owns it. Nobody ever shops here because he only stocks pure crap. / Harmony: That guy is Fairbanks? I always guessed he'd look more like Slimer from The Real Ghostbusters... only evil! / Cecania: I'm glad to hear you say that, because I've got a brilliant idea. / Cecania: Get Fairbanks to marry you. Then you'll own half of the store, and we can run it however we like / Harmony: OKAY! / Cecania: Wow. I'm mildly surprised by how fast you agreed to marrying someone that you've never even spoken to. / Harmony: Yeah. I need money and a place to live. And I really hate being a doctor. / Harmony: Seriously! Who wants to be constantly covered in someone else's blood? / Cecania: True dat.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Panel 1. Harmony and Cecania / Harmony: So how do I get Fairbanks to marry me? / Harmony: Have sexual relations with him and then bring a fake baby into the picture? / Cecania: No, that's way too obvious, and it won't work on him... / Panel 2. Closeup on Cecania / He's vowed celibacy until aftermarriage. / Panel 3. Harmony and Cecania / Harmony (Evil smile, making aggressive claw hands): Ah. So you're saying I should rape him? / Cecania (raising a pedantic index finger): Of course not! / Cecania: When I want you to rape someone, you'll know it. / Panel 4. Closeup on Fairbanks, chin in hand, watching Harmony and Cecania conspire in background. / Fairbanks: I wonder what they're talking about... / Fairbanks: Probably pop music! Silly girls. / Panel 5. Cecania and Harmony / Cecania (raising index finger with bright idea): I've got it! / Cecania: Mention to him how you strongly believe that the constitution should be amended to protect "the sanctity of marriage." / Harmony (saluting): Okay! I'm goin' in, sarge! / Panel 6. Cecania, calling after Harmony / Cecania: Pretend that you're playing The Sims as you talk to him! / Cecania: It helps a lot!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Panel 1. Harmony approaches Fairbanks, smiling and waving. Fairbanks is depressingly working calculator. / Harmony: Hi Fairbanks! / Harmony: I'm your sister Cecania's best friend Harmony! / Fairbanks: You have uncommonly dreadfultaste in best friends. / Fairbanks: Cecania once tossed various species of lizard at me for no apparent reason. / Fairbanks: I was taking a very important math test at the time. / Fairbanks: The lizards were covered in... I won't even say. / Panel 2. Closeup on Harmony's happy face. / Harmony: Ha ha! / Harmony: Yeah, well, I wanna be your friend, too! / Panel 3. Long shot of Harmony talking to Fairbanks / Harmony: As a sign of friendship, you may call me "Harm" for short! / Fairbanks (still working calculator, facing away from Harmony): I will never do such a thing. Participating in the shortening of any word is the first step down a slippery slope. / Fairbanks: One that leads to wordless anarchy. / Panel 4. Tall shot of Harmony. / Harmony: Oh, well... / Harmony: Hey, do you know what my favoritest thing in the whole entire America is? / Panel 5. Wide closeup of Fairbanks's eyes / Fairbanks: Downloading pop music illegally? / Panel 6. Harmony and Fairbanks / Harmony: No, it's protecting the sanctity of mar-- / Fairbanks (kneeling, taking Harmony's hand, goofy smile, sweat drop on face): I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Cecania: How'd it go? Details! / Harmony: I only had to say 53.75 words before he professed his love for me! That's almost a new record! / Cecania: Brilliant! You'll be gettin' hitched in no time! / Harmony: Yeah, I guess. / Cecania: What's wrong? / Harmoney: Well, I normally love marrying stupid guys 'cause they say hilarious stupid things all the time it's like having a Farrelly brothers movie without having to pay money-- / Cecania: And they don't come stupider than Fairbanks! / Harmony: Yeah, but the stupid stuff he says is more funny scary than funny ha-ha. Like, if I wanted to marry a guy who believes the holocaust never happened... I'd marry Mel Gibson! / Cecania: Mel Gibson is happily married and has seven children. / Harmony: OH! I'm sorry, I forgot... / Cecania: Mel Gibson sent me a videotape of his wife burning the gifts I sent him.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Panel 1. Harmony and Cecania / Harmony: Marrying a man that I just met and dislike immeasurably sounds good, in theory... / Harmony: ...but I'm not 100% certain that the end result will be a glorious life adventure! / Panel 2. Closeup Harmony and Cecania / Harmony (suspicious): Like, didn't you say he once killed somebody? / Cecania (shocked and uncertain): Yeah. Two people. He killed two people. / Panel 3. Harmony and Cecania / Harmony (arms out in wonderment): Why'd he go and do that? / Cecania: He suspected they were terrorists. / Panel 4. Harmony and Cecania / Harmony (wringing hands in fear): Were they? / Cecania (arms akimbo): Well... yeah. / Cecania: According to the FBI, at least. / Panel 5. Wide shot of Cecania with back of Harmony's head in foreground / Harmony: Why did he suspect they were terrorists? / Cecania: They had beards. / Panel 6. Harmony and Cecania / Harmony (laughing, clasping hands in depraved joy): Wow! He took the risk of a pre-emptive strike despite incredibly limited intelligence, and it actually paid off! / Harmony: That's a lot more than some people can say. I think I'm actually starting to admire him! / Cecania: (eyes shut) He drowned them in the soup they were eating. / Harmony: SCORE!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Panel 1. Cecania leaving Harmony / Cecania: Take an hour or two of "alone time" with loverboy... I'm off to find a cheap distributor of blood-soaked electronic entertainment we can fill the store with once it has been liberated. / Harmony (calling after Cecania and waving): Okay, I'll try to be engaged by the time you get back! / Panel 2. Cecania meets a game distributor / Distributor (Loverboy hair, standing stiffly erect behind sales desk, wearing camo jacket and dog tags): The name's Sawyer Kaden, ma'am, and video game distribution is my business. What can I do for you? / Cecania: I would like to buy your entire inventory. How much would that cost? / Panel 3. Sawyer, figuring quizzically / Sawyer: Uh, well... / Sawyer: Let's see, that's about 10,000 titles. / Sawyer: If I were to sell, I don't think I could go lower than... / Sawyer: $50,000? / Panel 4. Cecania, aside / Cecania: I've gotta get him to lower his price! If the first four episodes of the Donald Trump reality TV series The apprentice taught me anything, the top factor in successful business dealings is either being Donald Trump, or having breasts. / Cecania: One out of two ain't bad! / Panel 5. Cecania proffering one bill and two tits. / Cecania: Instead of $50,000, how does twenty bucks sound? / Cecania: C'mon big boy. / Cecania: I'm a girl! / Panel 6. Sawyer and Cecania / Sawyer: (tearfully) My weiner was cut off in the Iraq war, ma'am. / Cecania: (goofy anger face, index finger raised in righteous rage): Dammit! Why does everything bad always happen to me?!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Cecania: So, your wang got blown off in Iraq, huh? How'd that happen? / Sawyer: Not blown off, ma'am. It was cut off. / Sawyer: Sigh... My fellow soldiers had just played a prank on me... One that stranded me in the middle of the Iraqi desert... Without a shred of clothing. / Sawyer: Just as I reckoned the pickle I was in could get no worse... I spotted a man on horseback in the distance. / Sawyer: This man. / Cecania: Wow. What happened next? / Sawyer: As he rode by me... He cut off my weiner with a sword he was carrying. / Cecania: What happened next? / Sawyer: Crying. Lots of crying.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Cecania: So that's it? Didn't you get the Medal of Honor or some big military award like that? / Sawyer: Naw, I was alone... nobody would believe I didn't do it myself, for some nutty reason. / Cecania: Ah. / Sawyer: My commandin' officer felt a bit sorry for me, though. He gave me that bear as a gift. I was always hintin' I wanted one. / Cecania: He's tiny! Is he a baby? / Sawyer: No, ma'am. He's a full grown beart. Got one o' those shrinker diseases like Gary Coleman. / Sawyer: That's why I call 'im Gary Coleman. Or Coleman, for short. / Coleman: CRROOLWWWLLLMAAWNN! / Sawyer: I taught him that. / Cecania: Part of me wishes I had bolted out the door minutes earlier. Another part of me never ever wants to leave.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Panel 1. Sawyer sitting on couch. Cecania sitting on other end of couch giving Coleman a tummy rub.
/ Sawyer: Commandin' officer said if they ever capter the evil Iraqi fella what done this to me, he'd try to swing it so I could do the same to him.
/ Cecania (eyes on Coleman): Wow.
/ Cecania: An eye for an eye, a wang for a wang! / Panel 2. Closeup on Sawyer with look of admiration
/ That's downright poetic ma'am. Did you just invent that? / Panel 3. Longer shot of Sawyer and Cecania with Coleman between them.
/ Cecania: So... were you able to keep your... wang? Wasn't there a way for it to be re-attached?
/ Sawyer: No, ma'am.
/ Sawyer: I was told by a fellow soldier that it had burnt to a crisp the moment it struck the hot Iraqi sand. I believe 'im. That sand was darn hot. / Panel 4. Closeup of Cecania, with Sawyer's hair in side of frame.
/ Cecania: But you were standing on the same sand, nude.
/ Cecania: Your feet didn't vaporize. Did they? / Panel 5. Closeup of Sawyer, looking like a chump. No dialogue. / Panel 6. Closeup of Sawyer, identical expression.
/ Sawyer: Shit. / Panel 7. Flashback to Arab soldier in desert.
/ Arab soldier (eye trail points down out of frame):
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Panel 1. Looking down on Harmony and Fairbanks sitting one foot apart on a couch in the back room. / Harmony (hands on couch, looking away from Fairbanks): So... this back room is nice. / Fairbanks (arms akimbo, looking at or past Harmony): Yes. It allows me moments of quiet relief from the hussle and bussle [sic] of the storefront. / Fairbanks: That is a must in a business like this. / Panel 2. Closeup on Harmony, suppressing a laugh. / Harmony: Yeah, right. / Harmony: So, Fairbanks... / Harmony: I wanna get to knowyou. / Panel 3. Close shot of Harmony and Fairbanks. / Harmony: Don't be offended, but on the surface you come off as kinda... two-dimensional. / Fairbanks (smiling proudly): Thank you. / Panel 4. Wide head shot of Harmony and Fairbanks. / Harmony (dismayed): Huh? / Fairbanks (pedantic): Three-dimensionality is a myth. / Fairbanks: The world is black and white. Three-dimensionality adds an extra color, one that is obviously mythical. / Panel 5. Harmony, with Fairbanks in side of frame. / Harmony (fearful, clenched hands, sweat droplets): There are mythical colors? / Fairbanks (childish-looking): Yes. / Fairbanks: I'm speaking metaphorically, of course. / Panel 6. Harmony and Fairbanks on couch. / Harmony: Still... / Harmony: Do you have a box of crayons handy? I just want to confirm-- / Fairbanks (offering crayons): Here you go. / Harmony: Thank God.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Panel 1. Cecania scritching Coleman, Sawyer in edge of frame. / Cecania: Coleman is soooooo cute! / Cecania: He should be starring in a 3-year series of hilarious beer commercials! / Coleman: CROLWLMWN! / Panel 2. Closeup on Sawyer, looking doubtful. / Sawyer: That'd be an ever-lovin', blue-eyed dream ma'am. / Sawyer: This farmboy's havin' a heap o' troubhle just payin his food bills. / Sawyer (quieter): Or any bills at all, fer that matter. / Panel 3. Long shot of Sawyer, Coleman, and Cecania on couch. / Cecania: Is the video game distribution business slow these days? / Sawyer: Fer me, it is. / Sawyer: But I don't got much of a head fer business. / Sawyer: I just put up the sign out front an' hoped for the best. / Panel 4. Closeup of sign on a door. / Sign: Sawyer Kaden is my name and video game distribution is my business. / Panel 5. Shot from back of couch, showing Cecania's face, Coleman's head being petted, and back of Sawyer's head. / Cecania: WHat ade you get into this business? / Sawyer: Once I got back from Iraq, these two fellers who do a cartoon strip on the internet heard about my troubles an' asked their readers to help me out. / Sawyer: I recon people on the internet think the best way to help a feller out is to buy them video games. / Sawyer: They bought me 'bout half a million smackers' worth. / Panel 6. Closeup of Cecania's face / Cecania (awed): Wow. / Panel 7. Sawyer and Coleman / Sawyer: Yeah. / Sawyer: That's a lot o' games for one man and one smaller-than-normal bear to play. We gave up once we got to this game called Drake of the 99 Dragons. / Coleman (howling in pain): NOOOOOMMMOOOOOWWWRREE!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Panel 1. Harmony and Fairbanks on couch / Fairbanks: So... you say your favorite thing is protecting the sanctity of marriage. Correct? / Harmony: I did say that, yep. / Fairbanks: But answer me this... / Panel 2. Closeup on Fairbanks looking lawyerly, with index fingers together in front of his mouth. / Fairbanks: What's your favorite thing about protecting the sanctity of marriage? / Panel 3. Closeup on Harmony (Looking deer-in-headlights on the spot) / Harmony: Ummm... / Harmony (thought balloon): Dictionary-memorizin' powers, don't fail me now! / Panel 4. Harmony (blithely waving hand) / Harmony: Well, as it plainly says in The Dictionary, the word "sanctity" means: / Harmony (racing through small print): 1.) Holiness of life or disposition; saintliness. / Harmony (more small print): 2.) The quality or condition of being considered sacred; inviolability. / Harmony (small print): 3.) Something considered sacred. / Panel 5. Harmony and Fairbanks / Harmony: (hands out in joyful shrug): And if marriage isn't something that should be protected, what is? / Fairbanks (Looking up, fists up in joyous conclusion): Exactly! And that's why gays shouldn't be allowed to marry! / Harmony: That's right! They-- / Panel 6. Harmony and Fairbanks / Harmony (drops hands, looking quizzical): Wait... what? / Fairbanks (Still looking up, fists up in joyous conclusion): Exactly! And that's why gays shouldn't be allowed to marry!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Harmony: Oh, right! Marriage is defined as "the legal union of a man and a woman as husband and wife"! That's sanctity! / Harmony: Gays can get married, of course, but it can't be called "marriage" legally. That would defy the sanctity of The Dictionary. / Fairbanks: Huh? No, gays can't get married at all! They're gay! Letting them do anything together would only encourage them! / Harmony: Encourage them to do what? / Fairbanks: To be gay! If gays were allowed to marry, everyone would turn gay, and Earth would be one big super-sized episode of Will & Grace guest-starring Cher! / Harmony: I suppose that makes perfect sense. / Fairbanks: The gays that exist on Earth today would transform into super-gays! / Harmony: Since we're so gung-ho about protecting sanctity, we are trying to make divorce illegal, right? If gays are a threat to marriage, the hundreds of millions of people who break their sacred wedding vows are, too. / Harmony: You know, my parents got divorced when I was a kid, and I still haven't gotten over it. I've always had nightmares about the day my mom first told me-- / Fairbanks: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's an absurdly funny comedy bit, Harmony! You should send that to Dennis Miller! He would probably read it on his show!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Well... it's been real interesting, but... / I guess I'd better be going... / Wait! Maybe I can help you, ma'am. / How? / Well, you say yer store needs games to sell, but ya'll don't have money to buy 'em. / Uh huh. / An' I've got gallons and gallons o' games, but no retail store-front to sell 'em in. / I think the term "gallon" is usually only used to measure liquid. / But yes, everything else you said sounds exactly right. / Then let's combine our resources! You sell my games an' we'll split the profits 50/50! / That's a brilliant idea! But... / But what? / My brother Fairbanks owns the store, and I don't know if he would go for -- wait! / You're a troop! / Um, yeah. I can give you my rank and serial number... / That means Fairbanks will go along with whatever you say! It's against his patriotic programming to do anything but "support the troops"! / Well I'll be! / That brother o' yours sounds like a great fella. / He's the most horrible person to ever walk the Earth! / CROLWLMWN!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||This is excitin'!
/ Indeed! This cooperative business venture could change both of our lives for the better! / No, I meant goin' and ridin' in a car. But that thing, too! / It's exciting to ride in a car? / Fer me it is! I ain't been in a car since they shipped me back from Iraq last year.
/ Why? / Momma had to sell my car to pay fer my plane trip home from the base.
/ The government didn't pay for that? / Nope. An' then Momma died of heartache after some records got mixed up an' a telegram said I'd died.
/ Jesus! You should change your name to Sob Story!
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||So... Cecania mentioned that you killed some terrorists! That's pretty damn sweet. / I'm no hero. The brave troops fighting terrorists in Iraq... they're the real heroes. I'm just a very special man. A Super-Patriot, if you will. The real tragedy is that my story was so ignored by the liberal media. It would've inspired people. / We must all be vigilant, Harmony. There are terrorists lurking everywhere. Even in places where easy-to-drown-people-in soup is not there. / Holy shit! / I'll let that slide because you prefaced it with the word "holy," but I do not appreciate the woman I love cursing like a sailor! Even though I support our sailors 100%! / Um... did you just say that you love me? / Fairbanks? / Uhm... I don't know. I... I think I might have. / How can you not be sure? You're completely sure of everything that you say! / I don't know! Maybe this relationship is just moving too darn fast. I don't want us too turn out like those people in Hollywood. / What if we're the next Ben Affleck and J. Lo?! Um... you are a white person, aren't you?|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Cecania: I'm just gonna stop off at home for a second to change... / Sawyer: All righty. / Cecania: I'll be just a second! / Sawyer: So...that girl is somethin', huh? What do ya think about her, pally? You gotta know I value yer opinion more'n anybody. / Coleman: HHROT! / Sawyer: A truer word was never spoken, Little Bear. Since I met'r, it feels like my weiner is speakin' to me from Heaven. / Cecania: I'm ba-aack! I'm glad the house didn't scare you off. Kids at school used to call it The Haunted Mansion. / Cecania: My Mother isn't technically a ghost, but she is dead inside. / Sawyer: My body is a haunted mansion. / Cecania: Um...were you making reference to your Ghost-Wang? / Sawyer: Yep. / Cecania: Neat!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Sawyer: Golly, this Sore Thumbs place is slick. You got the name spelt out in big block letters an' everythin'. / Cecania: Yes. That's why we have no money to stock the store with games. / Fairbanks: Harmony...I've never met anyone like you before. / Harmony: Ditto...your head is shockingly round. Like an adorable tennis ball from Heaven. / Fairbanks: Tennis balls don't go to Heaven-- / bell: DING DING DING / Fairbanks: Customer! / Fairbanks: Dammit! It's just you again! / Cecania: But I brought some friends! / Fairbanks: AAUUUGGHH! / Coleman: RAAAWWWR! / Off-screen: Coleman, wait! / Fairbanks: Why is this furry midget molesting me?! / Cecania: Uh...it's 'cause he likes you! / Sawyer: Naw, he only does that to folks he instinctively hates. An' tennis balls.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Sawyer: Mister Fairbanks, I...I'm real sorry what my bear done to you. Cecania made you out to be such a swell feller. I didn't see need for a leash or nuthin'. / Fairbanks: I am a swell feller! Your so-called "bear" must be mentally-imbalanced! / Sawyer: Oh, I see the problem. Coleman musta smelled food on you, an' thought that you were food. He dont hate ya, he's just a hungry bear! / Cecania: Yeah! / Fairbanks: Hmmm...that makes sense. I do eat food, on occassion. / Sawyer: I reckon a certain tiny bear wants to give a certain swell feller a hug. / Coleman: NRROOOOOO. / Sawyer: Uh...we'd better wait 'til yer all bandaged up first. Don't look like you got enough bandages over there to be bandaged up twice. / Fairbanks: WHO ARE YOU?!|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Cecania: In all the confusion of miniature bears and bandages, I didn't get a chance to introduce you two to Sawyer Kaden! / Sawyer: Howdy! / Fairbanks: Sawyer Kaden, you and your bear are a menace to society! / Cecania: Uh, Sawyer owns a small video game distribution company here in town. / Fairbanks: I'm certain it is a menace to society! / Cecania: Sawyer is a troop who fought in the Iraq war and spilled blook for American freedom. / Fairbanks: The devil made me say those things. I will remove the devil from my head with a bullet.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||Sawyer: I'm real sorry yer brother threatened to take his own life. Maybe I should go. / Cecania: No! This wasn't the first time Fairbanks threatened to shoot the devil out of his head. / Cecania: You should be honored, really...The last time was after I tricked him into criticizing Nancy Reagan. Of course, he's never made good on that threat. / Sawyer: Thank the good Lord for that! I'd likely never be able to forgive myself otherwise. An' I know Mrs. Reagan would not. / Cecania: Ha ha! Maybe not, bu t she had no problem forgiving Ronnie for selling arms to terrorists! / Sawyer: Uh...did you just make a mean joke about the Reagans? / Cecania: Huh? I, um... / Harmony: Heya, Sawyer! I'm Harmony, Cecania's bestest best friend in the whole wide world! I'm a Medical Doctor, but I left that life behind to hang out with her here! / Harmony: Don't ask me to explain it! I'm not good at explaining things at all! I'm particularly not good at explaining to a toddler why he is going to die in 3-6 months! / Sawyer: Your friend just said the saddest thing I've ever heard ever. / Cecania: Wow. You've heard some pretty sad things, too.|
|SORE THUMBS * Mon-Wed-Fri * Insane Political Gaming Manga-Type Comics by Owen Gieni and Chris Crosby||General Kaden, I can never apologize profusely enough for my behavior. You must know that I love and support America's brave fighting men and their brave tiny fighting bears more than anyone ever in history. / Though when I say love, I don't mean the kind that could make me a future super-gay. / And when I say support, I don't mean the way a bra supports a lady's bossoms. / And I'm not gay. / / Appology accepted, Mr. Fairbanks! / Though I am not a General. / What I am is darn exited about combinin' our forces! / You got a truck or somethin' to pick up my games? / / YES! / This will turn Sore Thumbs into the ultimate video game super-store! / We will deliver interactive pixelized magic to our blurry-eyed customers with military precision! / / Um... Yeah! / So you're all right with havin' adult games in yer store now? / Of course he is! / / Well, mother won't be happy...nor will Joe Lieberman...but sure! / Neither of them are ever very happy anyway... / As long as you're morally dandy with it. I respect your beliefs. / / You do? / Are you sure you're from our military? / You mean my Christian beliefs, right? / Does this conversation feel historic to you? / It's how I would imagine I would feel if I ever saw Jeff Probst and Ryan Seacrest talking. / I'm still trying to stop imagining The Fairbanks Bra. / BRAA!|
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