You're browsing the archives of Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Various breads and bread machines]] / Blue: Hey, I'm trying to download a copy of the manual for my bread machine. / Tech: I'm sorry, but that information is not available at this time. / Blue: Why not? / Tech: That's classified. / Blue: The bread machine manual is classified? Why? / Tech: That information is only available on a "knead to know" basis. / {{Napoleon said that an Army "travels on its stomach" - which means a bread machine could be considered a strategic resource.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2010-12-10 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Overhead view of a busy mall in winter]] / Blue: That guy there. He just turned left from the right-hand turn lane. / Pink: Fifteen points. / Blue: While the light was changing from yellow to red. / Pink: Another ten. / Blue: Without signaling. / Pink: Five more. / Blue: Or yielding for the pedestrians. / Pink: Ten more. / Blue: All while driving on ice. / Pink: Double it all for a total of eighty! That's going to be a tough score to beat. / Blue: Don't worry, I'm sure you'll spot someone equally wankeriffic soon. / {{"Spot the Bad Driver" is one of our favorite seasonal games. We usually only assign points to particularly ass-tastic drivers.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2010-12-17 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Santa decorations with diminishing numbers of reindeer]] / Christmas decorations rarely show Santa with a full compliment of eight reindeer. / This is because they depict Santa at later stages of his delivery route. / The more gifts he delivers, the fewer reindeer he needs to stay airborne. / As the night passes, the excess reindeer are fed to the rest, reducing weight and providing calories for fuel. / By dawn, Santa is down to a single reindeer. / And that's the story of the Donner party. / {{If your kids are upset by this story, just tell them that the reindeer are like Thor's goats - they are brought back to life the next day so that they can get eaten again next year.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2010-12-24 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Movie poster]] / "Big Trouble in Little Chinatown" / {{"You know what ol' Jack Nicholson always says at a time like this?" / "Who?"}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2010-12-31 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Wooden pirate ship with awnings and tents set up outside it at dock]] / Blue: Looks like it wasn't a typo after all. / Sign: YARR SALE - Harbor Drive, Sat & Sun, 9am - 6pm / {{Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slash prices.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-01-07 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Stills from the BBC TV program "Top Gear"]] / Blue: Is that theme song by the Steve Miller band? / Pink: No, it's the Allman Brothers. / Blue: Oh, that's too bad. They could have done such a good "Stig" introduction. / James Hammond: ...and for that we're going to hand the car over to our tame racing driver. Some say that he's a space cowboy. And that he speaks of the "pompitus" of love. All we know is... He's called "MAURICE!" / {{Of course, this will make no sense to someone who has never seen TopGear. It also helps if you're a fan of the Steve Miller Band. / This may be the first webcomic to target the vast "Classic Rock" / "British Car Enthusiast" demographic.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-01-14 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Wicker baby carriage and wicker robot]] / Optimus Pram / {{Something Wicker This Way Comes.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-01-21 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Pope in sunglasses]] / Pope: Where my Bishops at? / {{"I sent those Bishops a smiley face. Bishops like smiley faces."}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-01-28 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Snowstorm in the background with tropical scenes in the foreground.]] / I don't mind driving through the snow to the doctor's office. / I don't mind the sub-zero wind chill outside. / What bothers me is the TV in the waiting room. / Showing clips from the "It's So Much Nicer Here" channel. / {{If you're with that channel, let me know if you're hiring a cameraman.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-02-04 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Slightly shocked looking women around a table with teacups and sandwiches]] / Least shocked woman: I don't mind that you've stopped by for the Ladies Quilting Club meeting, dear. I just thought you'd be wearing pants. / {{Would you care for some tea? A sandwich? A robe to hide your shameful nakedness?}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-02-11 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Black and white courtroom scene showing lawyer and client]] / Lawyer: Your honor, I object. It is prejudicial - not to mention inflammatory - for the prosecution to refer to the device found in my client's laboratory as a "Death Ray." / {{We would also like to state, for the record, that we appreciate your earlier ruling instructing the prosecution to use the word "laboratory" instead of "lair."}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-02-18 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[George Clooney walking with monkey-headed humans on a huge red number "12"]] / List: White Marmoset, Coppery Titi, Tufted Capuchin, Equatorial Saki, Brown Howler, Peruvian Spider, Booted Macaque / Title: Ocean's Twelve Monkeys / {{Returning to the world of Mixed Movies...}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-02-25 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[A multi-colored domino mask made of many different materials]] / I've got an idea for a new invention. / It's a simple concept: / Double-sided adhesive strips, one side designed to stick to skin. / The other side will stick to a variety of materials, including fabrics, plastics, leather and metal. / The skin-side adhesive is easy to peel off, but won't be loosened by sweating or by strenuous physical activity. / It should be really handy for fashion designers and dancers, but the target audience is the vigilante crimefighting community. / I'm calling it "Masking Tape." / {{This is almost as good as my idea for flavored currency. When it catches on, I'll make a mint.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-03-04 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[A glass pie plate with two different kinds of pie sitting on a messy tablecloth. The pie wedges are labeled.]] / Pie Wedge 1: People Not Having Chicken Pot Pie (12.5%) / Pie Wedge 2: People Not Having Blueberry Pie (25%) / Empty Area: People Having Both Chicken Pot and Blueberry Pie (62.5%) / {{These values are approximations. The standard error is represented by the blueberry juice on the tablecloth.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-03-11 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Pale, mostly-hairless cat sitting in a black top hat.]] / Tess: I have carefully investigated this hat, and I can certify that it is completely.. / < http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-03-18 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Telephone repair man standing on a map of the US, holding a bundle of telephone lines. His left hand is blurred out, but it looks like he's flipping us off.]] / Offensive Lineman / Man: #&$* you, America! I'm with the &$*#%ing PHONE COMPANY! / {{Trust me, you REALLY don't want to know what he's doing with all the cables he's holding.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-03-25 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Flames]] / Blood and water are filling my lungs. My breath is a painful gurgle in my chest. / [[Darkness]] / The building is on fire around me. / [[Red]] / I can see the flames and hear the sirens of distant fire engines. They won't get here in time. / [[Flames]] / I stare up into the rain as the flames lick my fingertips. / [[Black]] / A wet chuckle. I'm going to both burn and drown simultaneously. / [[Red]] / And then it fades and resolves. / [[Flames]] / Another nightmare. / [[Digital numbers - "4:something"]] / The "Siren" is my alarm. / It's been buzzing for seven minutes. / [[Digital numbers - "4:37"]] / I'm late. Again. / Thinking: Sh*t. / [[To Be Continued...]] / {{So, this is a bit of a departure from the norm. I've been doing a joke-a-week comic for the past five or so years, but I think it's time for me to move on. Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic is changing into a dramatic, plot and character driven story comic. Expect a huge site redesign in the next few days as we transition to a gothic horror / urban fantasy story that I've been working on in secret for the past few months.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-04-01 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Portly man in a yellow shirt, camouflage baseball cap and bib overalls cooking outdoors.]] / Clem: Well, first y'all gotta put some sweet custard in a cassarole dish. / Clem: Then put a crust a sugar on th'top... / Clem: Use the good stuff from the brown packets y'all c'n get at the gas station. / Clem: Get yerself a byoo-tane torch and het up the sugar 'til it melts and goes all crispy. / Clem: Betty-Lou says I ought'ta name it after myself and call it "Clem Brulee." / {{Clem's show "The Redneck Gourmay" was a hit on public access TV.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-04-08 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Helicopter shot of a highway interchange that has been replaced by a gigantic "Criss Cross Crash" toy.]] / The Council of Bad Ideas / has done a bang-up job / re-training former Mattel "Hotwheels" designers / for careers in highway engineering. / {{The toughest part has been finding enough bright orange plastic.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-04-15 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Insane looking bunny toy in front of several glasses of colored fluid and a collection of hard-boiled eggs]] / Bunny: Today... is a good day... TO DYE! / {{Samurai Easter Bunny has sworn to dye with honor.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-04-22 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[A cascading stack of pens and pencils.]] / Blue: So you need this project designed from scratch, approved, proofread and printed. / Client: Yes. / Blue: And you need it today. / Client: That's right. / Blue: You know my normal turnaround for a project like this is one week. / Client: Well, if I needed it next week, I would have brought it to you next week! Don't worry, you're really good at this. It'll take you maybe five minutes, tops. / Blue: And if this does take more than five minutes? / Client: Then you're obviously not as good as I thought. / {{Things a designer mustn't say to the client: "So if you thought I was merely competent, you'd do a better job of planning ahead?"}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-04-29 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[An interview with a paperclip]] / Blue: Our guest this week is perhaps best known for his role as "Clippy" / Clippy: Hi there! / Blue: Microsoft wasn't your first acting job, was it? / Clippy: Not at all. I'd done some bit parts in movies, and I had a recurring walk-on role in MacGyver, but the Microsoft job was going to be my big break. / Blue: I understand things went a bit sour. / Clippy: It looked like a great gig. I would be in millions of homes and offices... but the reviews were bad, pretty much from day one. I showed up way to early - and WAY too often. Honestly, I think the writers didn't know what to do with me. / Blue: And now you've got a book coming out? / Clippy: That's right! "My Life as an Icon - the True Story of an Office Assistant." / Blue: It looks like you're writing a tell-all autobiography. Would you like help with that? / Clippy: Ha ha. / {{"Clippy" was part of Microsoft Office from 1997 until his contract was abruptly canceled in 2004. He had a couple rough years, but recently he's completely turned his life around. He hopes that his story will be a cautionary inspiration to the next generation of impressionable young office supplies.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-05-06 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[A cat staring at a closed door]] / Vande: The best fortress which a prince can possess is the affection of his people - / Vande: For even if he has fortresses, if he is hated by his people, the fortresses will not save him. / Vande: The second-best fortress is an upside-down laundry basket. / Vande: Third-best is hiding under a blanket. / {{All cats have an innate understanding of Machiavelli.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-05-13 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Waiter and diner at an outdoor cafe]] / Waiter: Any questions about the menu? / Diner: Yeah, what's best? / Waiter: What is best? / Waiter: To crush your enemies! To see them driven before you! And to hear the lamentation of their women! / Waiter: Or the Lobster Newberg. That's quite good today. / {{After bodybuilding, acting and politics, Arnie's next venture was the "Conan's Kitchen" seafood restaurant. It's worth going just to hear him try to pronounce "Lahbstahh."}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-05-20 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Monster trucks]] / I had a dream that we flew out to visit some friends on the West Coast. / And that the only car that was available for rent at the airport was a monster truck. / It was practically impossible to park. / And it burned through oil and fuel like crazy. / But we never had to worry about traffic jams. / {{We had to return the truck with a full tank of gas before we flew back on Sunday, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!!}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-05-27 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Old man repairing fishing net]] / Old man thinking: "Network Administrator" my grizzled, grey butt.... / {{Always read the full job description, not just the title.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-06-03 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Omelette in a frying pan morphing into a man drawing, morphing into an alien Grey in an Ames chair, morphing into a group of men in suits]] / Years ago, late at night... / Pink: So, who did most of the cooking when you were growing up? / Blue: Well, my mom is a great cook, but sometimes my dad ould pitch in if she was too busy. He made a peanut butter omelette. / Pink: A what? / Blue: It helped to pay the cartooning debt.
/ Pink: Cartooning debt. / Blue: Yeah, to the honorary UFO guys in their flying chairs... / And that's when my wife discovered that I talk in my sleep. / {{Just a couple of disclaimers: There never were any UFO guys - honorary or otherwise. We had no flying chairs. My family never had to pay off any kind of 'Cartooning Debt'.
/ Everything else is real though, including the peanut butter omelette.}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-06-10 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Photos of men's faces from the nose to the chin. All of them are frowning with slightly pursed lips, the last one is smiling]] / The worst thing you can do with a sex scandal is to cover it up. / Sooner or later, the truth will get out. / And you'll wind up pulling a "Scandal Face" at the press conference. / The best Anti-Scandal Tactic I've seen was form France. / A conservative politican was seen in the audience of a gay burlesque show. / When confronted about it, he denied nothing. / Smiling guy: So you've seen the show too? Those guys are incredible dancers, aren't they? / {{I call this scandal management technique the "Yes. And?" approach. We'll have to see if it cuts back on the Scandal Face phenomenon...}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-06-17 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Tin labeled "Breath Minks"]] / Thinking: Man, that's got to be embarrassing to have a typo on the lid of your... / [[Open tin, revealing angry, attacking minks.]] / Shouting: Oh my GOD! / {{Do you have anything slightly less weasel flavored?}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-06-24 |
| Quirk's Evil Little Webcomic | [[Two guys cooking something on an outdoor stove.]] / Cook 1: So there's a whole sub-culture of older guys who are really into the new "My Little Pony" show... / Cook 2: I heard of that! They're called "Bro-nies" or something? / Cook 1: Yeah. I don't think I could watch that show. / Cook 2: Me neither. I'd be too distracted remembering how good magical ponies taste. / {{Pastel Pony Stew: Taste the Rainbow!}} http://quirkspace.com/comic/index.php?date=2011-07-01 |