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| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 26, 2007 | [[PETER is horrified.]]
/ PETER (thinks): OHMYGOD, did Elliott KILL Mr. Ladwig's FATHER? The timing is too perfect to be a coincidence... / PETER: The day after I overheard him say he'll do anything for a promotion, Mr. Ladwig has to quit and take over the family business because his father died, leaving Elliott next in line for his job! / PETER: No! NO! You sound just like Mr. Kilgore. This is just a coincidence and you know it. STOP BEING SO PARANOID! / [[A black-suited ELLIOTT walks by.]]
/ ELLIOTT: Stupid funeral. I'm starving. I'd KILL for a sandwich. / [[PETER is startled to notice a deli just over the hill.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20070326.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, March 27, 2007 | Peter: Who kills a guy, then goes to his funeral? The nerve!
/ Pestilence: Who are you talking to? / Peter: Oh! Uh! Pestilence! Er, nobody. Oh, nuts, I left your CD in the cemetery.
/ Pestilence: S'okay, I already downloaded it anyway. So, uh... What do you want to do now? / Peter: Make out. Suck face. Play tonsil rugby. Tongue wrestle. Say it! Say it! Say it! / Peter: I have to investigate a murder.
/ Pestilence: No way! I love murder! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070327.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, March 28, 2007 | [[PETER and PESTILENCE are watching ELLIOTT from behind some bushes.]]
/ PESTILENCE: Is that him?
/ PETER: Yeah, the greasy beaver-toothed guy. Look at him walking to his car. So ARROGANT. / PESTILENCE: So did he really kill a guy? What proof do you have?
/ PETER: Hm? Oh, none. But you don't know him. He's a TOTAL jerk. / PESTILENCE: Well, my STEPDAD'S a jerk, but that doesn't make him a killer. At least that's what the police said last year when I found my sugar glider face down dead in the toilet. / PESTILENCE: STUPID PROHIBITIVELY EXPENSIVE DNA TESTING!
/ PETER: One murder mystery at a time, please. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070328.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 29, 2007 | PETER: It all makes sense. I'm going in, proof or not... / PETER: Excuse me, Mr. Krauthammer. Might I have a WORD with you?
/ ELLIOTT: Make it fast, my date is getting cold. / PETER: You brought a date to a funeral?! THAT'S AWFUL!
/ ELLIOTT: Who's that in the bushes? Looks like you scored a little piece of tail, too. / PETER: What? NO! That's different! I wasn't even invited!
/ ELLIOTT: CRASHING a funeral with a date; MUCH better. Can I go betray my wife now? http://uglyhill.com/d/20070329.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 30, 2007 | Peter Wipp: I know what you did, and I'm not going to let you get away with it.
/ Elliott Krauthammer: Come again, Titmouse? / Peter: You killed Mr. Ladwig's father, knowing full well he'd be forced to quit his job to take over the family business, leaving his position ripe for the picking! / Peter: I did it, Mr. Ladwig! I did what Mr. Kilgore could never do! I caught Krauthammer red-handed! Fire him! Fire him right now! / Mr. Ladwig: How did Elliott give my father terminal brain cancer?
/ Elliott (OS): Ha! Somebody stop me, before I use uncontrolled cell division to kill again over a period of several years! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070330.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, April 2, 2007 | [[ELLIOTT and PETER sit on a bench while ELLIOTT smokes a cigarette.]]
/ ELLIOTT: Hey where's that chick with the pancake makeup?
/ PETER: She left when I began loudly accusing you of murder in a high-pitched girls' voice / ELLIOTT: Yeah, you're all screwed up on that. I'm not even next in line for Ladwig's job; Ms. Mudrick is.
/ PETER: Well, there goes your one and only motive! I guess! Ha ha! / ELLIOTT: Your unprovoked suspicion of me is oddly familiar. What did Kilgore DO to you, anyway?? / PETER: When I got his coffee wrong, he used to make me balance ten sugar packets on my head for the rest of the day. One time I dropped one.
/ THERE WERE CONSEQUENCES.
/ ELLIOTT: That is messed up and HILARIOUS. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070402.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, April 3, 2007 | PETER (thinking to himself): Mr. Krauthammer's right; my loyalty to Mr. Kilgore is completely misplaced. He was awful to me! / PETER: I've accused an innocent man of murder; maligned his VERY REPUTATION, all because Mr. Kilgore planted a seed of mistrust that blossomed into a TULIP OF HATE. / [[PETER is home. TOM is going through the mail.]]
/ PETER (still thinking): From now on, Mr. Kil--HASTINGS will have no effect on my actions, opinions, or emotions. PERIOD. / TOM: You got a message on the machine. Sounds like it's your old boss. Mr. Kilgore?
/ PETER (freaking out): WHAT? WHEN?! DID HE SOUND LIKE HE MISSES ME?! HOW'S MY HAIR? http://uglyhill.com/d/20070403.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, April 4, 2007 | [[PETER listens to HASTINGS' phone message. He looks happy!]]
/ HASTINGS: *BEEP* Hello, Peter, this is Mr. Kilgore calling from Blight Point. I have not yet even made contact with my own family, so I trust you will keep this communique in STRICTEST CONFIDENCE... / HASTINGS: I hope work is going well. In my hasty departure, I neglected to impart to you some sage advice, key to survival in our fabric-walled jungle... / HASTINGS: DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON ELLIOTT. Obvious though this may seem, it is easy for a novice to be taken in by his charm. He will use logic to confuse you. I am trusting you to keep tabs on him in my absence. / PETER: WHAT HAVE I DONE?
/ HASTINGS: I mean, he's not going to KILL anybody, but keep one eye on the supply closet. He steals legal pads. *BEEP* http://uglyhill.com/d/20070404.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, April 5, 2007 | PETER: Mr. Ladwig, thank God you're still here. I want another internship. I'll take ANYTHING!
/ LADWIG: I'm on my way out, Peter. It's my last day. / PETER: I know, but I need this. Assign me to anybody you want, I don't care.
/ LADWIG: I never thought you'd be back after that business with Elliott. / PETER: Let's just say I've finally got my PRIORITIES straight.
/ LADWIG: Here we go, this fellow is really bogged down with work lately. He could use a hand. / PETER: Ollie Krygowski? Isn't he the JANITOR?
/ LADWIG: He starts work at 4:30 AM. You get a tiny mop! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070405.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, April 6, 2007 | [[MUDRICK and ELLIOTT chat as PETER mops in the background.]]
/ MUDRICK: Oh, you don't have to get me coffee, Elliott. You're second in command around here now!
/ ELLIOTT: It's the least I can do for our new branch manager! / [[PETER knocks away the cup of coffee with his mop.]]
/ PETER: NO! Don't trust him, Ma'am, and don't drink ANYTHING he brings you! This man is a LIAR!
/ ELLIOTT: THIS AGAIN? We talked about this, kid. I didn't KILL anybody. / PETER: Maybe, maybe not. Someday I'll bring you down for good, but for now I'll have to settle for THIS... / PETER: A CAR TRUNK FULL OF STOLEN LEGAL PADS.
/ ELLIOTT (nervous): Oh, uh. HA! Stolen? Legal pads? Am I the only one appreciating this DELICIOUS IRONY!? http://uglyhill.com/d/20070406.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, April 9, 2007 | [[Outside Snug's house]] / Neil: Sorry, champ. No packages today.
/ Snug: DANG IT! I ordered that t-shirt WEEKS ago! Where is it? / Neil: Must be some shirt.
/ Snug: Oh it IS! It has a picture of a dog, only the dog is also a LOBSTER. / Neil: Why would you want a dog in a lobster costume on your shirt.
/ Snug: It's not a COSTUME. Pupstacean is 34% puppy, 27% lobster, and 61% love. / Neil: That's 122%.
/ Snug: Did you call me "champ"? I'm TWO YEARS older than you, Neil.
/ Snug: Get off your high horse. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070409.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, April 10, 2007 | Snug [[in kitchen]]: Bills, Bills, Bills, Greetings from West Virginia Your Uncle is Dead, Bills, Bills... Wait a second. / [[Letter fills panel]] This correspondence is to inform you that your Uncle Malachi Esekiel Hezekiah has passed, and you were named in his will. Expect delivery of your inheritance soon. Wish you were here, The Law Offices of Hatfield, McCoy, and Foxworthy. / Snug: Pfft, no way. What kind of law firm sends out legal correspondence on a postcard? / Snug: Nice picture on the front, though. You don't often see stretch pants and a drowned raccoon drying on the same clothesline. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070410.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, April 11, 2007 | Snug [[waiting in kitchen]]: This must be a scam. I don't even remember an uncle malachi, much less know him well enough to be named in his will.
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20070411.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, April 12, 2007 | Eli: Mom, I'm supposed to meet Snug at the movies in 15 minutes. Are we done shopping?
/ Mom: Quiet! I'm waiting for a checkout to open. / Eli: There's one right there, and there's no line. Come on.. / Mom [[off-panel]]: Not a chance! Look at the cashier. I don't trust him.
/ Eli [[off-panel]]: Why? Because he's a cyclops? You can't be serious. / Mom: It'll be a cold day in Phoenix before I let a filthy wink scan my groceries.
/ Eli: Mom! Language! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070412.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, April 13, 2007 | Eli: I can't believe you made us wait for a two-eyed cashier. That's so wrong.
/ Mother Kilgore: That Wink would have screwed up the order and you know it. / Eli: There's that word again! Mom, you can't say that! It's offensive!
/ Mother Kilgore: What? That's what we called them in my day. It's just a word. / Eli: They prefer to be called "One-Eyed Americans" now. You have to respect that.
/ Mother Kilgore: That brute who tried to rob me last week wasn't very respectful. / Eli: He was fishing your purse out of the sewer for you! He even went back for your reading glasses!
/ Mother Kilgore: I'm still missing a travel pack of tissues did they just walk off? http://uglyhill.com/d/20070413.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, April 16, 2007 | Snug: Your Mom said the "W" word? In front of everybody?
/ Eli: Yeah, apparently my mother uses racial slurs like punctuation now. I gotta get away from her. / Snug: So? You got a job now. Just move out!
/ Eli: I can't, I promised her. Plus mail order porno isn't as lucrative as I thou-- / Eli: Oof! / Eli: Oops! Sorry! Guess I should keep my eye on the road!
/ One-Eyed Monster: Is that some kind of crack?! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070416.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, April 17, 2007 | Eli: Listen, I'm sorry I bumped into you. I didn't mean anything by it.
/ One-Eyed Monster: Why don't you just give us all your money and we'll call it even? / Eli: HEY! THAT'S MY WALLET! LET GO! THAT'S ALL MY MONEY! STOP IT! RRGH! GET...OFF...MY... / Eli: WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM YOU #$&% WINKS?! / Snug: Did you just blurt out what I think you just blurted out?
/ Eli: I dunno. I'm blacking out faster than an epileptic Sharpie... http://uglyhill.com/d/20070417.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, April 18, 2007 | Eli: Ow. Snug, are you okay?
/ Snug: Yeah. Why on Earth would you say that to those guys? / Eli: I don't know, I was scared and mad. It just...came out. What's wrong with me? Am i a closet racist?
/ Snug: No, I just think your mom is rubbing off on you. Monkey see, monkey do. / Eli: Well, I guess that tears it, then. I'm moving out. Is this my blood or yours?
/ Snug: My blood is green. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070418.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, April 19, 2007 | [[Eli counts money and figures on a calculator.]]
/ Eli Kilgore: There's no way I'll ever have enough money to move out on my own. I guess I'm stuck with Mom.
/ Snug Snugworth: You give up too easy. / Eli: The only way I could possibly get out of my mom's house is if Hastings came back from California and they made up. / Snug: So? Let's get him back here!
/ Eli: I have no way to get in touch with him! And even if I did, there's no way he'd come back for me. He's living his dream out there. / Snug: Well then let's get him back here...whether he likes it or not.
/ Eli: You think? Yeah! Screw his dream! I'm mildly inconvenienced! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070419.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, April 20, 2007 | Eli: Wait, how are we gonna get to California? We can't afford plane tickets, and neither one of us has a car.
/ Snug: While you were yammering about your mommmy issues, I didn't get a chance to tell you about my new wheels. / Snug: My uncle Whatshisname left me it to me! it has a leaky propane tank from 1986 and a lizard nest in the engine!
/ Eli: Free Truck! Score! / Snug: I'll refill the washer fluid, and you shovel the dog turds out of the gas tank!
/ Eli: ROAD TRIP!!!! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070420.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, April 23, 2007 | [[Two sluttily dressed dirty-looking women address Hastings, who is carrying a box into his apartment.
/ Trixie: Hi! Moving in, handsome? I'm trixie, and this is roxie; we're your new neighbors!
/ Hastings: Hello, ladies. Hastings Kilgore, at your service. / Roxie: What do YOU do?
/ Hastings: I'm an obsessive compulsive workaholic who left his family and friends behind in a desperate bid to achieve his shallow childhood dreams of corporate success. / [[Hastings is in the process of shutting the door in their faces]]
/ Trixie: We're promiscuous exotic dancers!
/ Hastings: Trollops! FANTASTIC! If you'll excuse me, I'm afraid if I talk to you any longer I'll contract a vile social disease. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070423.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, April 24, 2007 | [[In Hastings office]] / Ryan (through intercom): Mr. Kilgore, Mr. Gooseberry is calling on line one for you. / Hastings: Thank you, Ryan. Put him through. / Mr. Gooseberry (over speaker phone): Mr. Kilgore! What's this I hear? You've got your entire new staff hired and trained ALREADY? / Hastings: In record time, I'm told. / Mr. Gooseberry [[on golf course]]: To say the least! I'll have to come down and inspect the troops this afternoon. / Hastings: I'll use my patented method to get them motivated for you, sir! / [[Back in Hastings' office]] / Hastings: Ryan? I'm coming out there to yell at everyone. / Ryan (through intercom): Go easy on heart murmur guy this time. You told me to remind you. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070424.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, April 25, 2007 | [[Hastings Kilgore talks sternly to Tom]] / [[Hastings Kilgore yells at Green Worker]] / [[Hastings Kilgore speaks smilingly to Purple Worker]] / [[Hastings Kilgore screams furiously at Purple Worker]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20070425.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, April 26, 2007 | Hastings Kilgore: All this motivation is making me hoarse and angry. Ryan, where's my water?
/ Ryan: H-Here I am, sir. *sniff* / Hastings Kilgore: Are you crying? Why are you crying?!
/ Ryan: You said some pretty cruel things about my family in your "pep talk"... / Hastings Kilgore: I said those things about everyone's family! I really laid into Ken's retarded sister, and he's not crying! / Ken: She's not retarded! She went to truck driving school!
/ Hastings Kilgore: Pfft. Never mind. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070426.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, April 27, 2007 | [[GOOSEBERRY and HASTINGS talking outdoors.]]
/ GOOSEBERRY: I must say I'm impressed. These employees have fallen into line like cultist baby ducks.
/ HASTINGS: My methods are proven and brutal. / GOOSEBERRY: Indeed. I did note one thing that I wanted to bring up, however...
/ HASTINGS (Big, moist eyes, happy smile): Is it about my excellence? / GOOSEBERRY: I noticed that, among the dozens of candidates you interviewed, you didn't hire even ONE woman.
/ HASTINGS (suddenly nervous): Oh, er...Well I uh... / GOOSEBERRY: BOO-YAH! Misogynist five! UP HIGH!
/ [[HASTINGS relaxes and smiles.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20070427.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, April 30, 2007 | Ned Goosebury: As much as I'd like this office to remain a boys' club, the ACLU will serve me my own tail if I don't hire at least one woman.
/ Hastings Kilgore: Vultures! / Ned Goosebury: Well, go ahead and hire one, but you know what types to avoid, right?
/ Hastings Kilgore: None of the types I know of can be mentioned in polite company, sir. / Ned Goosebury: No feminists, lesbians, granola huffers, single mothers...oh, and I prefer to employ a female with limited education.
/ Hastings Kilgore: How will she perform her duties? / Ned Goosebury: Her "duties" will be feeding me cashews and doing various other things that "can't be mentioned in polite company".
/ Hastings Kilgore: Hey-o! They don't teach you that in graduate school! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070430.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, May 1, 2007 | [[Two employees are taking a smoke break. One is a big brown guy with little yellow horns, no shirt, a red bowtie and brown slacks. The other has the same coloring as PESTILENCE MORESORROW--white with dark hair and three red spots on his chin.]]
/ BROWN GUY: So, I guess Kilgore is the boss' favorite.
/ WHITE GUY: He should be. He follows him around like a puppy dog with B.O. / BROWN GUY: I heard he transferred here from the East Coast and left his whole family behind. Maybe he's LONELY.
/ WHITE GUY: Well, wherever his family is, I'm sure they're glad to be rid of him. / [[SNUG and ELI are driving through the night in a truck. SNUG is asleep in the passenger seat. ELI is driving.]]
/ ELI: So, it's settled; if we can't convince my brother to come home, I want you to take the wheel and use my head as a speed bump.
/ SNUG: (Snores) http://uglyhill.com/d/20070501.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, May 2, 2007 | Snugworth: Where are we, anyway?
/ Eli Kilgore: Just Outside Prehensile Creek, Ohio. / Eli Kilgore: I got Hastings' work address from his company directory, so we'll start looking there.
/ Snugworth: Wait. If you had that, why didn't you just call him? / Eli Kilgore: Because hed just refuse to come home and then he'd be onto us. We're better just sticking to the plan. / Snugworth: So, plastic bag over the face, then hit him with the tire iron?
/ Eli Kilgore: Yes. Do not deviate from the sequence. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070502.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, May 3, 2007 | Hastings: Bah! These applicants are overqualified! How many floors have gone unscrubbed since we started educating our women? Too many I say! / Hastings: My options are exhausted. I've been driven to America's compost heap to find a suitable female employee; the internet. / Hastings: [[types]] "No experience needed, high school diploma optional. Non-starters include self-respect, a smart mouth, and a history of sexual harassment claims. Generous rack a plus"... / Hastings: Hm. That last part could be misconstrued. / Hastings: [[types]] "No fat chicks". http://uglyhill.com/d/20070503.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, May 4, 2007 | [[HASTINGS is in the office.]]
/ HASTINGS: Oh! A response to my job posting already? DELIGHTFUL! / [[He reads from his monitor.]]
/ MESSAGE: Mr. Kilgore,
/ I am APPALLED by the requirements for the job you posted. No woman in her right mind would subject herself to such a demeaning, SEXIST employer. You should know that I am reporting you to the BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU for... / HASTINGS: Pfft! "Preach it, Sister"! Let's see what kind of a SWAMP CREATURE it takes to conjure such misplaced indignation! / [[On the screen, we see PENELOPE GRACE's profile, including her picture. She is light-blue with long brown hair. There is text below the image.]]
/ TEXT: Name: Penelope Grace. Age: 32 Occupation: (not shown)
/ Education: Master's Degree...Business Management,... / [[HASTINGS' eyes turn to big cartoon hearts, he and his surroundings change to shades of pink and he has clearly fallen madly in love with PENELOPE.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20070504.html |
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