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You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 13, 2006 Eli: Snrk? Wha? Ugh... / Eli: What's today, Monday? that means chili dogs with snug down at the wiener stop. Better wear my loose tank top... / Eli: Oh wait, I forgot! Snug's in Miami for his grandmother's funeral! I guess that means I'll have to entertain myself this week. / [[Eli stands silently.]] / Eli: <> Z
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, March 14, 2006 [[Hastings is at work in his cubicle, Eli is on the phone]] / Hastings: Stop calling me at work, Eli! Every time the phone rings I think it's the office supply warehouse confirming my liquid paper replenishment! What do you want now?! / Eli [[at home]]: I'm sorry, I'm just so bored! Snug is on vacation this week. I need someone to talk to. / Hastings: Bored, huh? / Hastings: Well, I am blackmailing Elliott. Did I tell you that? He's my slave. Anyway, he's buffing my toenails right now, but talking to you might be even more demeaning. I'll put him on. / Eli [[on phone]]: Forget it, I'll just watch t.v.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, March 15, 2006 ELLIOTT: You can't blackmail me forever, Hastings. / HASTINGS: That, slave, is your opinion, which is by definition, worthless. / HASTINGS: As long as you want certain lascivious deeds to remain hidden from your significant other, you will abide by my every desire. There is no way out. / ELLIOTT: I disagree. There are THREE ways out of blackmail. Death, truth, and MORE BLACKMAIL. / [[HASTINGS looks worried.]] / HASTINGS: AHEM. Yes, well, be that as it may, my teeth are feeling DIRTY. / ELLIOTT (holding toothbrush): Open.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 16, 2006 Peter: So you think Mr. Krauthammer is trying to dig up some dirt on you? / Hastings: Yes, and unless a bleeding ulcer is illegal, good luck to him finding any. / Peter: If you're clean, why is your ulcer flaring up? / Hastings: Well, Peter, no one's record is... totally without blemish. Plus, I mean, Elliott is an unscrupulous cad! What's stopping him from making something up? / Peter: But he won't have to, will he Mr. Kilgore? / Hastings: Of course not you boob! I have more ex-wives than you have adult teeth!
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 17, 2006 TV: And now, back to "THE HYPERBOLES!" / YELLOW HYPERBOLE: WOW! That's the best snowman ever in the history of recorded snowmen! I literally thought it was a 3-tiered fat man! / YELLOW HYPERBOLE: You look colder than a nitrogen breathing penguin! Take my gloves! / RED HYPERBOLE: THANKS! You're nicer than Santa Claus on mood elevators! / ELI: This show sucks worse than a black hole inside a vacuum cleaner inside a jet intake. / TV: Stay tuned for "EXAGGERATION STATION!"
 
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 20, 2006 Hastings: I trust you found a way to occupy yourself today. / Eli: Naw, I just watched TV. It was more boring than watching grass grow through wet paint in church. / Hastings: Why are you talking like that? / Eli: Huh? Oh, it's the way they talk on this kids show I was watching where they exaggerate everything. I guess I picked it up. / Hastings: Well, stop it. Are you hungry? I'm starting dinner. / Eli: HUNGRY?! / Eli: I'm so hungry I could eat a blue whale with an endocrine disorder! / Hastings: STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, March 21, 2006 Hastings: Make sure I am not disturbed for the next hour, Peter. I will be making some calls. / Peter: Why don't you just get Elliott to do it for you? He's still your blackmail slave, isn't he? / Hastings: I am trying to seal up all loose connections regarding my past, so Elliott cannot stage a counter-blackmail. / Hastings: The first step is to pay off all my former wives to ensure their silence. Chain me to the desk, please. / Peter: What? Why? / Hastings: I'll be talking to my ex-wives, Peter. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I TALK TO MY EX-WIVES.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, March 22, 2006 Hastings: You're LATE. Did you do as I requested? / Police Officer: Yes Mr. Kilgore, your police records are sealed, but... / Hastings: Good, good...here, take your payment. / Police Officer: Yeah, but... The only thing in there was a speeding ticket from 1989. / Hastings: SILENCE, BLUECOAT! What is WRONG with you?! You'll blow everything! Just take your phone card and go!
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 23, 2006 Elliott Krauthammer: Psst! Hey! Hastings' intern! PSSSSSSSTTT! / Peter: I have a NAME. And I'm not telling you anything to help you blackmail Mr. Kilgore. / Elliott Krauthammer: WHAT?! Oh come ON! Why are you so loyal to him?! I've seen the way he treats you! GROW A SPINE, JUNIOR! / Peter: Fine. I'll tell you something if you can tell me my name. / [[Elliott looks stumped]] / Elliott Krauthammer: Sancho Panza. / Peter: Thanks for playing.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 24, 2006 Eli: RRGH! I can't stop speaking in elaborate exaggerations thanks to that stupid kids' show! / <> / Eli: Hello? Oh, hi Dad! What? Hastings left YOU a message? Why?! / Eli: [[thinking]] Hastings called Dad? WOW. That must mean he wants to start talking to him again! I can't be sure, though, so I'd better try not to give Dad the wrong idea. / Eli: Do I think it would be a good idea to visit him at work? I THINK THAT'S THE BEST IDEA EVER CONCEIVED IN THE HISTORY OF RECORDED TIME! / Eli: Crap.
 
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 27, 2006 [[Hastings is heading out the door at work]] / Karl: Hastings! My SON! It's been so long! You don't know how happy I was to get your call! I'll NEVER abuse our relationship again, I PROMISE! / Karl: I need to borrow a thousand dollars. / [[Hastings hides back in his office]]
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, March 28, 2006 Karl: Look, if you don't have the whole grand on you, I'll just take $900. I guess. / Hastings: Father, why are you HERE? How did you even know where I work? / Karl: Hey, you called ME, kiddo. And besides, Eli said you'd love it if I came by and visited you at work. / Hastings: Yes, about that call. I don't think...wait, ELI TOLD YOU WHAT?! / [[A text box in the corner says "Meanwhile..." Eli is barricading himself in the house.]]
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, March 29, 2006 KARL: So, what's the good word around the office, boy? Is is "COLLATE?" What does that mean, anyway? I hope it relates to lunch somehow. / HASTINGS: BE QUIET! I don't want you here! I don't even remember why I called you! Why don't you just LEAVE?! / KARL: But...so you don't want to talk? / HASTINGS: TALK? If you wanted to talk, maybe the first thing out of your mouth shouldn't have been another request for money I DON'T HAVE. / KARL: Well, can't you just go to an ATM machine? / HASTINGS: That crass redundancy was the last straw.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 30, 2006 Karl: Hey buddy, can I bum one of those smokes? / Elliott Krauthammer: Depends. Who's askin'? / Karl: Name's Karl Kilgore. I came here to see my son, but he doesn't want to talk to me. / Elliott Krauthammer: YOU'RE Hastings' dad? Well, why not? / Karl: Eh. Beats me. / Karl: Can I borrow a thousand dollars? / Elliott Krauthammer: Let's start with the cigarette and see where we end up.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 31, 2006 Karl: 800, 900, 1000. / Hastings: Father? Why are you still here? And where did you get that money? / Karl: Your friend Elliott gave it to me. He's a nice boy. / Hastings: ELLIOTT gave you a thousand dollars? What did he want in return? / Karl: Only for me to tell him your DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET. / Hastings: You, you...Oh Lord, you didn't tell him about the time...in middle school...with the THING? / Karl: Oh yeah, you bet I did champ, the whole thing. Listen, can I borrow a quarter for the meter? All I got are hundreds.
 
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, April 3, 2006 {{Guest comic by Tyler Martin ontherockscomics.com}} / [[Bikini-clad women play volleyball as a human Eli looks on at the Ugly Hill City Beach]] / Eli Kilgore: All the women here are hideous. But I'm so ugly I can't get a date with a single one of them anyway. / Snug Snugworth: Sorry Eli. Not everyone can be as incredibly attractive as me. / [[Eli has pulped Snug.]] / Eli: Nooo! What have I done with these ugly hands?! / Caption: And gone forever was the last of the beauty in Ugly Hill.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, April 4, 2006 {{A guest comic by Kristofer Straub of Starslip Crisis and Checkerboard Nightmare}} / <> / Kris: Drawing your own Ugly Hill monsters is easy and fun! Here's how. How someone else did it, I mean. I can't. / <> / <> / <> / <> / <> / <> / [[The strip is signed: "I'm kidding! I'm sorry. Straub."]]
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, April 5, 2006 {{Guest comic by Paul Taylor}} / [[Hastings and Dodson are both dinosaurs]] / Hastings: Where's that white-out, Dodson?! You obtuse moron! I've placed my order with you five times! Have you lost every one of them?! / Dodson: But, Mr. Kilgore, you only placed those orders this morning. The fax machine isn't working, and if it was, deliveries can take a couple days. / Hastings: I have several corrections to make! This is unacceptable! / <> / Dodson: My tail is completely rubbed off and I have rug burn on my butt! / Hastings: SILENCE, ERASER!
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, April 6, 2006 {{Guest comic by Howard Tayler www.schlockmercenary.com}} / [[Eli Kilgore addresses a crowd consisting of Hastings Kilgore, Snug Snugworth, Elliott Krauthammer, Peter Wipp, and Sergeant Schlock. A sign on the wall reads "Ugly Hillers Anonymous"]] / Eli: Hi, my name is Eli, and I'm ugly. / Hastings, Snug, and Elliott: Hello, Eli! / Schlock: Look, I really don't belong here.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, April 7, 2006 {{Guest strip by Steve Troop www.melonpool.com}} / [[Post-its with human caricatures of Hastings Kilgore, Snug Snugworth, Peter Wipp, Eli Kilgore, and Paul Southworth]] / Peter: Nuts! Why do all my caricatures turn out so ugly?! / Hastings: Hey! Quit using up all my office supplies!
 
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, April 10, 2006 Teacher: Okay class, put away your books, we're doing something different today. Now, I'm sure you've seen the latest controversy on the news... / Kid: YEAH! Some stupid jerk got hit by a car while he was wearing those sneakers wiht the wheels in them! Now my mom wants to give mine to poor kids! It's total BULLCRAP! / Teacher: No, no... NO. The president, guys. He's visiting Maulington next week. He's going to be making a big announcement about... / Teacher: All right, new assignment: go home, age ten years, and come back when you care about something other than yourself. / Kid: I hate poor kids!
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, April 11, 2006 [[Peter is standing with his teacher in front of a blackboard.]] / Peter: Mr Klockman, I know what the President's coming to talk about next week. It's about Eyeraq, right? / Mr. Klockman: That's right, Peter. We might be going to war. / Peter: How come he decided to make the announcement here, anyway? / Mr. Klockman: Well, it's a political thing. See, Maulington has a high Cyclops population. / Peter [[in blank panel]]: And he wants to make it look like he cares about them before he bombs their country and steals their oil? / Mr. Klockman: Why aren't you in the advanced class? / Peter: I'm coasting.
Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, April 12, 2006 [[Hastings is talking to a colleague at the water cooler]] / Hastings: ... So, in summation, they knocked our buildings down, so now we get to nuke their country into an iridescent pothole. It's as simple as that. / Peter: It doesn't make sense Mr. Kilgore. Those people who attacked us weren't even from eyeraq. Nobody can seem to tell me a good reason to start a war with them. / Hastings: Look at this picture of the hijackers very carefully, Peter. Not a decent, God-fearing, two-eyed face among them. What does that tell you? / Peter: That you're a horrible bigot? / Hastings: And it's finally paying off!
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, April 13, 2006 Peter: Nobody can seem to give me a straight answer about the war, Dad. / Tom: Huh? Oh, uh, it's the WMDs right? / Tom: Yeah, the WMDS, that's what they're looking for. They think the leader of the country has WMDs and they need to in and find out for sure. / Peter: Okay, so, what does WMD stand for? / Tom: Uh, I think it's like an STD but, like itchier. / Peter: I don't need you. We have the internet. / Tom: Thanks, internet!
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, April 14, 2006 Peter: So my boss is a racist and my dad doesn't know anything he doesn't see on Monday Night Football. / Store Clerk: Pssht! Please! Americans cannot see past their enormous bellies and porno movies to see the truth! One dollar for soda, please. / Peter: That's true. / Store Clerk: Me? I am Russian! I have European perspective! I can be teaching you all you need to know about politics. / Peter: Really? That makes sense. Maybe you can teach me. / Store Clerk: First lesson! In Russia, politics learn you!
 
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, April 17, 2006 Eli: Snug and I are driving up to Maulington to hear the President's speech this week and I feel obligated to invite you. / Hastings: You're going? / Hastings: I don't think they let people in who have voted in more televised singing competitions than presidential elections. / Eli: They do. I called ahead. / Hastings: Thank you, but I plan to attend on my own. / Eli: Fine, maybe we'll see you there.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, April 18, 2006 Worker: Mr. Kilgore, you have been selected to be among President Tripp's elite support section at tomorrow's event! / Hastings: Gasp! I applied months ago but I never thought I'd... / Worker: Please do not respond to this message. As a political bootlick, I cannot provide any information other than that which has been spoon-fed to me by my betters. / Worker: Report to this address no later than 0600 tomorrow morning for further details! / Worker: Press my nose to hear these instructions again! / Hastings: No need, soldier. You have been more than helpful.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, April 19, 2006 [[Hastings goes to a political rally for President Tripp]] / Hastings: Excuse me, is this the line for President Tripp's support section? / Worker: Where are your flags? You must have at least three American flags to get in. / Hastings: I only brought one flag, sir. / Worker: Buddy, we got a guy in there had all the skin on his face ripped off and replaced with Old Glory and you brought one flag? / Hastings: Well, it is the original flag, on loan from an anonymous collector, sewn by Betsy Ross in 1776. / Man with flag face: Hey! Nice flag! / Hastings: I only count 12 stripes on that face, traitor.
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, April 20, 2006 [[Hastings is in the elite supporter section at a rally for President Tripp]] / Worker: In a few minutes, President Tripp is going to come out for a short meet and greet. / Hastings: Be still my hear! Are we allowed photos? / Worker: No. You are not to record the president's likeness in any way, be it photograph, video or limited edition PVC statuette. / Hastings: [[speaking quietly]] Can we... smell him? / Worker: What?! Who said that? I want whoever said that out of my sight! / Hastings: Uh, yeah! Get the hell out of here, you sick-yet-well-intentioned pervert!
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, April 21, 2006 Snug: I guess we're early. Can you see Hastings anywhere? / Eli: Yeah, he's down there in the president's "Dogg Pound". / Snug: He must be excited. Your brother's wanted to meet the president for years. / Eli: He's coming out! I think Hastings is about to have a coronary! / Announcer: And now, here he is, the man you've all come out to support tonight, President Herbert Tripp! / Hastings: Yes! Yes! / Hastings: Command Me!
 

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