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| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, October 9, 2006 | [[SNUG now has a wispy mustache and beard. ELI has a full, dark beard.]]
/ SNUG: How many days has it been since we shaved?
/ ELI: Seven days for me, five for you. LET'S CHECK OUR PROGRESS! / [[ELI looks in mirror.]]
/ ELI: Hrm. Nice luster, good coverage, itchiness subsiding. A good start! Snug? / SNUG: Uhm. Wispy texture, scattered growth with expansive blank spots, itchiness...not an issue. / ELI: LET'S GO BUY BEARD TRIMMERS!
/ SNUG: I look like a moldy hot dog. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061009.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, October 10, 2006 | [[Exterior of Feiffinger's Discount]]
/ Eli Kilgore (OS): I can't find the beard trimmers. Go ask somebody.
/ Snug Snugworth (OS): OK. / Snug: Excuse me, do you know where the beard trimmers are?
/ Sheila: Why? Looks like you could trim that thing on your face with a pair of nail clippers. / [[Eli is looking at a box]]
/ Snug (OS): Look, just tell me where the--
/ Sheila (OS): Not like your friend over there. I could get lost in that jungle. Mmmhm. / Snug: You should see his back.
/ Sheila: Could you arrange that?! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061010.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, October 11, 2006 | Eli Kilgore: You were right, dude! That cashier is totally digging my beard! She wants me to have lunch with her!
/ Snug Snugworth: Nice! You are so money! / Eli: You don't mind walking home, do you?
/ Snug: Pfft! Please. I'm a big boy. Go, have fun. / Sheila: It's so cute how your prepubescent friend is trying to grow facial hair. What is he, 12? 13?
/ Eli: Ha ha! Pubescent! / [[Snug stares sadly at his reflection, a tear forming in his eye]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20061011.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, October 12, 2006 | Hastings Kilgore: Eli, there's an intruder behind you. Move out of the way so I can strike her.
/ Eli Kilgore: No, don't! This is my new girlfriend, Sheila!
/ Sheila: Hi. / Hastings: I remain skeptical. Blink twice if she has a weapon.
/ Eli: Listen man, it's the beard. She's crazy for it! / Hastings: I see! It is quite splendid. I must admit, I also feel differently about you since you stopped shaving. / Eli: Heh. I hope it's not the same way Sheila felt in the stairwell just now.
/ Hastings: I don't think so. But how can I ever be sure? http://uglyhill.com/d/20061012.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, October 13, 2006 | Homeless Guy: Hey buddy, got a quarter?
/ Snug Snugworth: I'm not your buddy...Buddy. / Homeless Guy: S'matter? Don't you think I see that pathetic growth on your face, son?
/ Homeless Guy: I know yer pain. / Homeless Guy: I tried to grow a beard once. It cost me my life. Family, money, friends...all gone.
/ Snug: What? Really? How? / Homeless Guy: Think of my mind as a vending machine full of sage advice, kiddo.
/ Homeless Guy: Coin operated. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061013.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, October 16, 2006 | Eli Kilgore: I never thought it was possible to feel so manly. I think I could strip the meat off a full-grown bear with my teeth right now.
/ Sheila: I could make jerky! / Eli: Just you and me, out in the wilderness. Nothin' but the sky above and my facial hair to keep us warm.
/ Sheila: Hey, does your beard seem shorter today? / Eli: Oh, I trimmed it. It was, you know, a little scratchy. Plus, heh, I think I found more hair than chicken in my soup last night...Heh... / Eli: Oh God, please don't leave me. I'll never do it again. I'll grow two beards!
/ Sheila: There, there. That's putting me in my place. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061016.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, October 17, 2006 | Hastings Kilgore: Two dozen voice mails for Grizzly Adams.
/ Eli Kilgore: I got a phone call?! / [[Eli listens to the phone]]
/ Snug Snugworth (on voice mail): It's me, Snug. I talked to a homeless guy on the street today, and he said that two men of such varying beard growth patterns can never be friends! *BEEP* / [[Eli listens to the phone]]
/ Snug (on voice mail): Me again. Unless both men shave regularly, the differences in their beards will trigger a base class separation instinct, and their personalities will diverge uncontrollably until--*BEEP* / [[Eli listens to the phone]]
/ Snug (on voice mail): How long is this #$#% thing set to record, three seconds? Let me finish a damn sent--*BEEP* http://uglyhill.com/d/20061017.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, October 18, 2006 | ELI: Hey, can I have fifty bucks? Sheila and I are going out to dinner.
/ HASTINGS: I hate to say it, but I liked it better when you ate at the drive-thru with Snug every night. / ELI: Eh, he's really jealous of Sheila and I. Honestly, I think I've outgrown him.
/ HASTINGS: You're MATURE now, huh? / HASTINGS: Still going with the cartoon character tie, though.
/ ELI: Some things transcend maturity. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061018.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, October 19, 2006 | [[ELI and SHEILA are sitting in a restaurant. SNUG is staring through the window at them. His beard is still pathetic.]]
/ ELI: Uh, excuse me for a moment, Sheila. / [[Outside.]]
/ ELI: What are you doing here? I'm trying to be suave!
/ SNUG: Did you get my messages? How come you didn't shave yet? / ELI: I don't care WHAT some homeless guy told you, I'm not shaving my beard! Sheila likes it, and she makes me happy! If you can't understand that, maybe you don't want to be my friend at all. / ELI: And this shaving cream you brought me isn't even the gel kind! WHAT THE HELL?
/ SNUG (sheds a tear): I'M SORRY! I'm such a FOOL! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061019.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, October 20, 2006 | Homeless Guy: He choose the girl over you, didn't he?
/ Snug Snugworth: *SNIFF* Yeah. Now what? / Homeless Guy: Thanks to his lustrous beard, your friend has entered a new stage in his life. You, however, are doomed to stagnation... / Homeless Guy: Everything you love with wither and die, and you'll be left alone; baby-faced and sleeping on a bed of newspapers and dead bugs. / Snug: Yeah but, she'll probably make him get a job, right?
/ Homeless Guy: Pfft, yeah! Roaches don't buy jewelry and syphilis never wants to go dancin'! Up high, brother! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061020.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, October 23, 2006 | [[Elliot talking to Adams in the office]]
/ Elliot Krauthammer: Adams, these price sheets needed to go out today.
/ Do I need to bring in an independent contractor on this project? / [[Adams is catatonic]]
/ Elliot Krauthammer: Johnson! / [[Johnson comes in and punches Adams]]
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20061023.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, October 24, 2006 | LADWIG: I don't know, Elliott. Are you POSITIVE you need an assistant? I just requested you a new chair.
/ ELLIOTT: I'm bringing in contract workers left and right to pick up the slack! / LADWIG: Well, let's meet halfway. I'll set you up with an intern.
/ ELLIOTT: You mean like Kilgore's little SNOT-NOSE? That'll create more problems than it solves! / BLUE GUY: He's right. These pomegranate pancakes Peter made for the office are good, but not GREAT.
/ ELLIOTT: I would go so far as to say they are AVERAGE. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061024.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, October 25, 2006 | ELLIOTT: Hey, Knee-high. Do you know anyone who wants in on an internship?
/ PETER: Fat chance, SIR. I heard what you said about my pancakes. / ELLIOTT: Come on, Junior. You must know SOMEONE.
/ PETER: Well, I guess my friend Grant could use the credits. / ELLIOTT: GREAT! Give your disgusting friend these instructions and have him in my office tomorrow morning. / PETER: I don't think he'll want to bathe himself in bleach.
/ ELLIOTT: What are his feelings on airtight plastic bubbles? http://uglyhill.com/d/20061025.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, October 26, 2006 | ORANGE GUY: You'd better be careful. If Hastings finds out, you're DEAD.
/ PETER: He won't find out. I'm doing this for my friend. / ORANGE GUY: Yeah, but you're basically working as a talent scout for his worst enemy. Just keep it quiet.
/ PETER: Grant and I are going out for Halloween tonight. I'll ask him then, when Mr. Kilgore's not around. / [[The filing cabinet, the microwave on top of it, the oven mitt hanging on the side and the pile of papers with a bowling ball on top present a familiar shape.]]
/ PETER (offpanel): He'll NEVER know about it, so stop worrying. / [[HASTINGS emerges from behind the stuff just described, eyes red with rage.]]
/ HASTINGS: Pocket-sized JUDAS! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061026.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, October 27, 2006 | [[GRANT is in his Civil War uniform, of course. PETER wears a frilly shirt and a cape.]]
/ GRANT: Next year we will be too old to trick-or-treat. I shall ENJOY MY SPOILS.
/ PETER: Yeah. Hey listen Grant, I gotta ask you something. / PETER: This guy at work is looking for a new intern, and I thought you might be interested.
/ GRANT: Yes, I would. Thank you for thinking of me! / [[PINK GUY in pirate outfit jumps at sound from bushes.]]
/ <<*rustle* *rustle*>>
/ PETER (offpanel): Great, but keep it quiet. This guy is my boss' worst enemy, and if he finds out I didn't give him final approval on you, he'll KILL me. / [[HASTINGS emerges from the bushes. He's bright red, his horns are upturned and he has a pointy devil tail.]]
/ PINK GUY: GEEZ. Aren't you a little old for this?
/ HASTINGS: You are never too old for COSTUMED ESPIONAGE. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061027.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, October 30, 2006 | PETER: QUICK, HIDE! SENIORS!
/ GRANT: Why? They must be trick-or-treating too, right? / CUDGEL: Hey, tardcarts. Do you want me to check your candy for razor blades, or is your MOMMY gonna do that when you get home?
/ PETER: Leave us alone, Cudgel. / CUDGEL: Yeah, okay. Here, I brought you this, in case you have an accident in your panties. Later, losers. / PETER: Why would Cudgel Hardy give us a roll of TOILET PAPER?
/ [[An ADULT, wrapped in toilet paper with an egg on his head, approaches them. He's NOT happy.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20061030.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, October 31, 2006 | [[HASTINGS, still in devil gear, watches over a fence.]]
/ HASTINGS: HM...Why did that large, ugly boy just toss Peter a roll of toilet paper? / [[ADULT is poking PETER in the face.]]
/ HASTINGS: Oh, I SEE! The older boy has just "TEE-PEED" that man's house, and he has set up young Peter and his nerdly friend to take the fall. / HASTINGS: Interesting. Perhaps THIS will teach Peter to rent himself out as a talent scout for my worst enemy. / PURPLE GOTH: If the worm has displeased you, Dark Lord, why do you not smite him with your fiery vengeance?
/ HASTINGS: STOP WORSHIPING ME! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061031.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, November 1, 2006 | CUDGEL: Out of my way, creepy bush devil. I got eggs to whip at things.
/ HASTINGS: I saw what you did to those boys. You set them up to take the fall for that prank you pulled. / CUDGEL: Yeah? SO? Least I didn't push 'em down. I was gonna, you know.
/ HASTINGS: And why DIDN'T you? / CUDGEL: I dunno. Guess I was afraid they'd tell my step dad.
/ HASTINGS: He doesn't control you! He's not even your REAL DAD. / CUDGEL: He could be. We're really not sure.
/ HASTINGS: HE IS A FOOL! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061101.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, November 2, 2006 | [[Back at the office.]]
/ PETER: Sorry I'm late. I had to pick 700 ft. of toilet paper off 5 scres of wet grass.
/ HASTINGS: I don't know why you're apologizing to ME. / PETER: Because you're my boss?
/ HASTINGS: Not anymore. I put you in for a transfer. / PETER: REALLY?! I mean, uh...Oh yeah? Who do I report to now? / ELLIOTT: Listen up, Titmouse!
/ From now on, your name is TITMOUSE!
/ [[PETER'S eyes bulge.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20061102.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, November 3, 2006 | Peter Wipp: Mr. Kilgore, no, I can't be Elliott's intern! Who's going to be your intern?!
/ Hastings Kilgore: What do you care, traitor? / Hastings: You see, I know all about your little Halloween mission to recruit Elliott a new helper monkey! Well, now you found one; you! / Hastings: Lucky for him I approved the transfer, because I've decided I need someone a little more loyal, steadfast... / Hastings: and completely amoral.
/ Cudgel: Hey, I did that errand. What do you want me to do with these lug nuts and brake fluid? http://uglyhill.com/d/20061103.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, November 6, 2006 | [[Morning. PETER enters ELLIOTT's cubicle.]]
/ CAPTION: Monday.
/ PETER: Mr. Krauthammer? I'm here early, just like you said! HELLO?
/ UGH. What a pig sty.
/ [[It really is.]] / [[Peter climbs atop the pile of clutter on ELLIOTT'S desk.]]
/ PETER: It's so EARLY. Maybe I'll just lay down for a minute until he shows up. / [[PETER realizes that ELLIOTT is under the pile of clutter.]] / ELLIOTT: Listen kid, I don't know what kind of FREAK-O ARRANGEMENT you had going with Kilgore, but I don't give out brownie points for SPOONING.
/ PETER: BLEAUGH! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061106.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, November 7, 2006 | PETER: You're living in your cubicle now?
/ ELLIOTT: Not by choice. It was my wife's idea. / PETER: Did she catch you with another woman?
/ ELLIOTT: Are you here to get involved in my private affairs, or are you here to WORK? / PETER: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm here to work.
/ ELLIOTT: GOOD. Now go to my house and tell my wife her Cuddlebug wuvs her vewy much. / ELLIOTT: Then, get down on your knees and beg her to take me b--
/ HEY! Write it down! CUDDLEBUG! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061107.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, November 8, 2006 | HASTINGS (scarily happy): CUDGEL! My morally-deficient young ward! I hope you had a good weekend!
/ CUDGEL: Not that good. I had to take my Mom to get another abor-- / HASTINGS: Good, good! The aboriginals are a VERY industrious people! Hard-working! Now LISTEN, we've got a lot of work to do. Are you familiar with our inventory system?
/ CUDGEL: Uh, no. / HASTINGS: Fine, tell you what? Why don't you just go down to Elliott Krauthammer's house and place this improvised explosive on his septic tank?
/ CUDGEL: I am familiar with THIS system. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061108.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, November 9, 2006 | [[PETER walks down the street, carrying a note.]]
/ PETER: All this time that jerk only wanted an intern to patch up his crummy marriage for him? That is TOTALLY not my job! / PETER: Now I'm GLAD they didn't hire Grant. He would have gotten winded and gone home to polish his fake medals by now. Where IS this place, anyway? / PETER: Excuse me, Officer? I'm looking for this address.
/ GREEN COP: You're lookin' at it, son. Can't go in, though. / GREEN COP: We got a FAT KID cornered in the back yard. Says his boss told him to blow up this guy's septic tank.
/ CUDGEL (offpanel): You guys hankerin' for a crap tsunami!? I SAID STAY BACK! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061109.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, November 10, 2006 | GREEN COP (writing in notebook): So you know the suspect?
/ PETER: Know him? He gave me my first Indian burn in kindergarten. / GREEN COP: Ooh, those arm things? I hate those.
/ PETER: Yeah, they hurt even worse on your face. Can I talk to him? / GREEN COP (through bullhorn): WE'RE SENDING IN A FRIEND OF YOURS! CAN WE HAVE YOUR ASSURANCE THAT HE WILL RETURN UN-EXPLODED?
/ CUDGEL (offpanel): DEPENDS ON THE FRIEND! / GREEN COP: HE SAYS YOU GAVE HIM HIS FIRST INDIAN BURN!
/ CUDGEL (offpanel): HA HA! WHAT A GAYLORD! IT'S SO GAY THAT HE REMEMBERS THAT.
/ YEAH, SEND HIM BACK. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061110.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, November 13, 2006 | [[PETER and CUDGEL in ELLIOTT'S backyard. CUDGEL holds the bomb.]]
/ CUDGEL: I can't go back to prison, dude. I GOT ENEMIES.
/ PETER: Then what are you DOING here? Did Mr. Kilgore put you up to this? / CUDGEL: Yeah man, that guy's NUTS. When he looks at me with those eyes, it feels like my heart needs to poop. / PETER: Well, I'm here to patch up Elliott's marriage. This is out of control.
/ CUDGEL: Good luck. I saw his wife groping some dude in his car and they took off when I got here. / PETER: I don't...WANT to be happy...but I can't...suppress...MY GLEE.
/ CUDGEL: Well, SHE seemed happy. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061113.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, November 14, 2006 | PETER: I guess I can't beg Elliott's wife to take him back if she's out with her boyfriend.
/ CUDGEL: Who cares? You need to get out of this back yard without going to prison.
/ {{Shouldn't that be "I need to get out of this back yard without going to prison"?}} / PETER: Why would you agree to BLOW UP Elliott's septic tank?! If you're gonna work for Hastings, you need to know when to say NO. / CUDGEL: I'm supposed to say NO to HOME-MADE EXPLOSIVES?
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20061114.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, November 15, 2006 | Cudgel: I think we need to create a distraction so I can sneak by the cops. / Cudgel: Hey, an explosion is a good distraction. Look, I have a bomb! / Peter: Wait, maybe if I explain the situation to them, they'll go easy on you. / Cudgel: Yes! Brilliant! If I blow the septic tank, the cops'll be too busy picking bits of corn out of their moustaches to worry about me! / Peter: You'd think a guy who can conjure such a striking visual could comprehend simple logic. / Cudgel: Fire in the poop hole! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061115.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, November 16, 2006 | Elliott Krauthammer: What are you doing at my house?
/ Hastings Kilgore: Waiting for my new intern to exact my terrible revenge. / < http://uglyhill.com/d/20061116.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, November 17, 2006 | [[Back at the office.]]
/ HASTINGS: Well PETER, since Cudgel inexplicably quit this morning after such a successfull operation, I suppose you're REHIRED.
/ PETER: Lucky for you Mr. Krauthammer FIRED ME after he found out I couldn't fix his marriage for him. / HASTINGS: LUCKY FOR YOU!
/ PETER: LUCKY FOR YOU!
/ HASTINGS: LUCKY FOR YOU!
/ PETER: LUCKY FOR YOU! / PETER: Hey, why did you take me back, anyway? Didn't I betray your trust and make a mockery of your entire value system?
/ HASTINGS (red eyes, huge maw): Lucky for you, it was lucky for YOU! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061117.html |
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