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| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, November 20, 2006 | [[Eli holds a clove of garlic. Hastings wears an apron and holds a sauce pot.]]
/ Eli Kilgore: Hey, would it be okay if I brought Sheila to Mom's for Thanksgiving this year?
/ Hastings Kilgore: She'll be awfully disappointed when I throw her to the ground before she can enter the house. / Eli: Look, I know you don't like her, but I think we're getting serious. / Eli: She said she'd try to get me a job as an orderly at hospital where she volunteers, and I just wanted to...
/ Hastings: A job?! / Hastings: In that case, I shall carry her across the threshold myself and feed her diamond-encrusted sweet potatoes from a platinum spoon.
/ Eli: Aww. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061120.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, November 21, 2006 | Eli Kilgore: I'm gonna bring Mom some extra chairs for dinner tomorrow.
/ Hastings Kilgore: Better call first. She hates when you just drop by. / Eli: But you do it all the time.
/ Hastings: She hates when you do it. / [[Eli picks up phone receiver.]]
/ Eli: Fine. / Eli: She's not home. Where would she be at this hour?
/ Hastings: The caller I.D. says my name, but somehow she always knows when it's you. Give me the phone. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061121.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, November 22, 2006 | Eli Kilgore: Are you sure? How many times did you let it ring?
/ Hastings Kilgore: Seven hundred and fifty nine. Something is wrong. / Eli: Maybe she just went out for cigarettes or something.
/ Hastings: I take Mother to buy her cigarettes on Tuesdays and Fridays, and if she ran out, she would call me. / Eli: Maybe she needed something embarrassing. You know...feminine products.
/ Hastings: Our mother went through "the change" in spring of 2001, you dolt! You dare to call yourself her son?! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061122.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, November 23, 2006 | [[Outside Mother Kilgore's house]]
/ Eli Kilgore: She doesn't answer. Just use your spare key.
/ Hastings Kilgore: I am only allowed to use it for emergencies. / Eli: What do you call this?
/ Hastings: Perhaps if there were a spreading pool of blood seeping under the door... / Hastings: Look, this happened once before, and I was worried, so I barged in... and... uh... / [[Hastings goes blank and pale.]]
/ Eli: She was nude, wasn't she? Hastings?
/ Eli: Hastings? http://uglyhill.com/d/20061123.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, November 24, 2006 | [[Inside Mother Kilgore's House]]
/ Eli Kilgore: Mom? Are you home? We tried calling first, but you didn't answer!
/ Hastings Kilgore: Is it safe? / Eli: Well, she's not nude, but she's not here, either. So I guess she could be nude, wherever she is...
/ Hastings: Stop saying "nude"!
/ Hastings: Gasp! Mother! / [[Hastings helps his disheveled mother up.]
/ Hastings: Mother, are you okay? She must have fallen down the stairs!
/ Mother Kilgore: It's about time! If I have to listen to that phone ring one more time... Eli, why aren't you wearing that cologne I gave you? I don't smell the cologne!
/ Eli: Uh, gotta go. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061124.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, November 27, 2006 | [[Exterior, Saint Doug's Hospital.]]
/ MOTHER KILGORE: Where's your brother? He said he'd get me some iced tea.
/ ELI: He's having a shoving match with a candy striper. / [[MOTHER lies in a hospital bed.]]
/ MOTHER: His own mother breaks her leg and he can't even do a SIMPLE THING!
/ ELI: Right. So, uh, yeah, how did you fall down the stairs, anyway? / MOTHER: How does ANYBODY fall? I TRIPPED! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A DAMN FOOL QUESTION IS THAT? / MOTHER: By the way, did you grow that awful beard to hide a gang tattoo, or did you just get bitten by a radioactive hobo?
/ ELI: DON'T DO THIS TO ME. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061127.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, November 28, 2006 | MOTHER: Why would you grown that UGLY HAIR all over the beautiful face I gave you?
/ ELI: I'm NOT having this conversation, Mom. / MOTHER: It just seems UNGRATEFUL, is all. Here I am, incapacitated, Thanksgiving is cancelled, and...AND...
/ ELI: Tell me you're crying about Thanksgiving and not about my BEARD. / MOTHER: Why don't you just carve a swastika in your head and complete the transformation?
/ ELI: OH, LOOK! THE EXIT! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061128.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, November 29, 2006 | ELI: Hey, uh, are you going to see Mom in the hospital again this morning?
/ HASTINGS: Of course. It's Thanksgiving. / ELI: Yeah, yeah, sure. Listen, I think I might go ahead and see Dad first, okay? / HASTINGS: You're going to visit your no-good, slovenly, freeloading, jailbird father before you visit your saintly, life-giving, injured mother? / HASTINGS: Spit on him for me?
/ ELI: Will do. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061129.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, November 30, 2006 | Eli Kilgore: Hey, Dad. Happy Thanksgiving!
/ Karl Kilgore: Eli! I'm so glad you came! How's everybody doing? / Eli: Well, Hastings asked me to spit on you, and I've got some bad news about Mom.
/ Karl: Oh? Nothing serious, I hope? / Eli: No, no! She just fell down the stairs and broke her leg.
/ Karl: Oh God, that's terrible! Eli, I'm so sorr-- Wait...she's not dead? / Eli. Don't look so relieved.
/ Karl: I gotta make a call. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061130.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, December 1, 2006 | HASTINGS: Here's your iced tea, Mother. I'm going home to nail down the carpet you tripped over.
/ MOTHER: I didn't trip. I was pushed. / HASTINGS: WHAT?! BUT YOU LIVE ALONE!
/ MOTHER: They pushed me and ran out the back door. It was dark, I didn't see them. / MOTHER: They didn't even STEAL anything. Someone wants me DEAD, Hastings...and I need you to find out WHO. / [[Cut to ELI and KARL.]]
/ ELI: TELL ME YOU DIDN'T TRY TO HAVE MOM WHACKED FROM PRISON, DAD.
/ KARL: Not "whacked." Around here we call it "the great escape." http://uglyhill.com/d/20061201.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, December 4, 2006 | SHEILA: OH! Hi, Hastings. It's me, Sheila. How's your mother doing?
/ HASTINGS: She's, uh, FINE. What do you want? / SHEILA: Is Eli here? I'm volunteering at the hospital tonight, and I thought he'd want to take this opportunity to introduce me to his mom.
/ HASTINGS: I SEE. / HASTINGS: Well, he's not here, and I'm on my way out. But I'll give you a little advice about my mother. She's injured, but she's still WILY. If she makes a run at you... / HASTINGS (whispers): Don't resist.
/ NO ONE WILL MISS YOU. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061204.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, December 5, 2006 | ELI: Dad, I can't believe you did this! You can't even pay your phone bill! How did you arrange a HIT from PRISON?!
/ KARL: SHH! Keep your voice down! / KARL: My cell mate, Vito Caramel, just made parole. I paid him to do it when he got out.
/ ELI: But...but WHY?! I know you and Mom had a bad relationship, but why would you try to KILL OUR MOTHER?! / KARL: She costs me more alimony that all your step-mothers COMBINED.
/ ELI: THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO VALID! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061205.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, December 6, 2006 | SHEILA: Mrs. Kilgore! Hi, my name's Sheila. I'm your son's girlfriend.
/ MOTHER: Oh dear God! Another potential wife! WHERE'S MY WIFE-SWATTER?! / SHEILA: No no, not the one who's been married seven times! Your OTHER son! Eli!
/ MOTHER: Eli? A GIRLFRIEND?! Well, that's WONDERFUL! / [[MOTHER KILGORE produces a very large flyswatter.]]
/ MOTHER: I'm still going to have to swat you.
/ It's tradition. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061206.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, December 7, 2006 | MOTHER: So, you and my son are dating? I'll bet he listens to YOU.
/ SHEILA: Well, he DOES cater to my every whim. / MOTHER: I'll bet. Maybe you can get him to shave off that hideous beard!
/ SHEILA: Oh, NEVER! That's how we met! I told him if he ever shaved it off, I'd break up with him. / MOTHER (brightens): OH! Isn't that interesting! / [[They stare at each other intently. Now, they are adversaries...]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20061207.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, December 8, 2006 | KARL: Look at me, Eli. Look at my life. It's ruined, and it's all her fault.
/ ELI: So you didn't try to kill Mom to save money on alimony? / KARL: Pfft, NO! Although it was an attractive side effect, I'll admit. Look at this picture.
/ ELI: It's you and Mom, when Hastings was born. / [[KARL shows the picture. His eyes are wide. MOTHER is smiling in the pic. KARL holds baby HASTINGS, who is wrapped in a blanket.]]
/ KARL: Notice anything different about me?
/ ELI: I think Hastings is biting your nipple. / KARL: We all know THAT story.
/ Look harder. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061208.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, December 11, 2006 | ELI: I know what's different about this picture. You didn't have your mustache yet.
/ KARL: I HAD it since I was 16, but Mom made me SHAVE when we got married. / ELI: Sounds familiar. All she could talk about last night was me getting rid of my beard. She wouldn't let it go. / [[ELI's eyes go wide as KARL begins frantically clawing at the wall. Plaster flies!]]
/ KARL: She WHAT?! Shaving my mustache destroyed my self-esteem and bought me a one-way ticket on a runaway bullet train to LOSERTOWN, and now she's doing the same thing to you?! RRGGHH! / [[YELLOW CYCLOPS GUARD sees the hole in the wall. In the distance, KARL has already reached the fence.]]
/ GUARD: WHAT HAPPENED TO KILGORE?!
/ ELI: Stepped out. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061211.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, December 12, 2006 | ELI: You have to find him! I think my Dad is going to KILL MY MOM!
/ GUARD: Kilgore? A MURDERER? That guy wouldn't hurt a fly. / ELI: I know, but he's not HIMSELF! For the first time in his life, he's motivated to complete a goal. / ELI: Honestly? I'm almost proud of him.
/ GUARD: Maybe he DOES have the killer instinct. / [[KARL is outside the fence, clutching his bloody groin as he runs.]]
/ CAPTION: He did punch a hole in a concrete wall and go crotch-first over three rows of razor wire...
/ KARL: Nng.
/ HRG. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061212.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, December 13, 2006 | HASTINGS: Mother! I DID IT! I found the SALTY CUR who pushed you down the stairs!
/ MOTHER: I KNEW you'd come through for Mommy! Send him in! / [[Red-eyed HASTINGS shoves in a bound, blindfolded, roughed-up ELLIOTT.]]
/ HASTINGS: ELLIOTT KRAUTHAMMER! First he steals my recordable CDs, then he tries to KILL MY MOTHER!
/ ELLIOTT: WHERE AM I?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! / [[Red-eyed KARL holds a meat cleaver!]]
/ KARL: So it's true. You're still alive. Well, you know the old saying...
/ If you want your ex-wife dead, you've got to kill her yourself. / ELLIOTT (no longer blindfolded): What about THAT guy? With the cleaver?
/ HASTINGS: QUIET! I'm fantasizing your death by lethal injection. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061213.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, December 14, 2006 | MOTHER: Karl? YOU tried to kill me? Also, you got fat.
/ KARL: SHUT UP! Shut up, you devil-shrew! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! / KARL: The moment you forced me to shave my mustache was the moment my life SPIRALED OUT OF CONTROL!
/ MOTHER: If your self-image depends on a dusting of FACIAL HAIR, maybe you have bigger problems than me to worry about. / MOTHER (grinning): For instance; THE POLICE!
/ [[MAGENTA COP appears with handcuffs.]]
/ KARL: Let me borrow your gun for a minute. I'll give it right back http://uglyhill.com/d/20061214.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, December 15, 2006 | ELI: You can blame Mom all you want for your life, Dad, but it's pretty clear to me that, by never asserting yourself, you ALLOWED her to control you. / ELI: It's childish to blame 25 years of poor decisions on a shaved mustache, especially since you grew it back 23 years ago and nothing changed. Your life was always yours to make or break, Dad. You just never took control. / SHEILA: There's my big strong lumberjack man! You're never shaving this beard, are you? NEVER NEVER NEVER NE--!
/ [[ELI's eyes go wide.]] / [[Silent panel of ELI shaving his beard.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20061215.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, December 18, 2006 | Eli: So what do you want for Christmas, Pete?
/ Peter: It doesn't matter. I'll never get it. / Peter: The stores have been sold out of the "Gel Cat" DVDs for months.
/ Eli: That old cartoon about the shape-shifting house cat? Snug loves that show. / Peter: Where has Snug been, anyway? Did you two have a lover's spat?
/ Eli: It was a manly fight. With machine-guns. And Adam's apples... / Eli: And uh... Testicles. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061218.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, December 19, 2006 | BIG-NOSED STORE GUY: I think we might have one copy of that "Gel Cat" DVD in the back. I'll check.
/ ELI: Really? That's great! Thanks! / [[HASTINGS enters.]]
/ HASTINGS: Eli? What are you doing here?
/ ELI: Trying to get Snug a good Christmas present. You? / HASTINGS: *SIGH*...Ladwig says I must start participating more SOCIALLY at work, starting with the annual "Secret Santa" fiasco. / HASTINGS: I'm supposed to get some foolishness called "GEL CAT."
/ ELI: Oh HEY SORRY this is a Hanukkah store! You can't shop for Secret Santa HERE! Jews only! MATZAH BALLS! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061219.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, December 20, 2006 | HASTINGS: I need that DVD for my JOB, Eli. This is the last store on my list, and I intend to inquire within. STEP ASIDE.
/ ELI: Who do you work with that would want a cartoon DVD anyway? / HASTINGS: I drew Peter's name in the Secret Santa, and I overheard him talking about that CHILDISH PAP earlier this week.
/ ELI: Buying a gift for your own intern, huh? Kind of humiliating. / HASTINGS: It's like giving your housekeeper's dog a sensual massage.
/ ELI: Brutal. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061220.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, December 21, 2006 | ELI: Listen man, let me level with you; "Gel Cat" is totally lame.
/ HASTINGS: But Peter said it was the best show about a shape shifting house cat ever produced. / ELI: Dude. What do you think I do all day while you're at work?
/ HASTINGS: Screw with my color-coded rubber bands? / ELI: I also watch cartoons. Lots of them. I know what I'm talking about. Here, give him this. / HASTINGS: "Admiral Ecology and the Earthamaniacs vs. Holezone."
/ ELI: "Eco-tainment at its best" says Treehugger Digest! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061221.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, December 22, 2006 | HASTINGS: Peter might enjoy this eco-friendly cartoon after all. He is always chiding me for throwing my soda cans at dogs.
/ ELI: Oh, uh...yeah. OOPS! / HASTINGS: Hold on, you dropped your copy of..."GEL CAT!?"
/ ELI (quavery voice): Look, I KNOW you needed that for Peter, but I need to give it to Snug so I can apologize for-- / [[HASTINGS punches ELI in the face!]]
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20061222.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, December 25, 2006 | BIG-NOSED STORE GUY: Whoa, HEY! No fighting on the sales floor! Stay there, I'll be right back!
/ ELI (to HASTINGS): YOU HIT ME! / [[HASTINGS, red-eyed again, waves the "Gel Cat" DVD.]]
/ HASTINGS: Look, if I can prove that I can interact socially with my co-workers, my boss says I might be in line for a promotion. I NEED THIS DVD!
/ ELI: Well, I need it to make up with my best friend! I NEED THIS DVD! / [[STORE GUY returns with a clipboard.]]
/ BIG-NOSED STORE GUY: Okay guys, come on back to the warehouse. You can get familiar with the ring and we'll fit you for some mouthpieces and jock straps.
/ HASTINGS: My brother will take an extra-large and an extra-small, respectively.
/ ELI (offpanel): HEY! Shut up! http://uglyhill.com/d/20061225.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, December 26, 2006 | ELI: This store has a WRESTLING RING in the back room? What's going on?
/ BIG-NOSED STORE GUY: You nerds both want this DVD, right? / [[A Christmas wreath hangs on the fence near the ring.]]
/ {{How festive!}}
/ B-N STORE GUY: Every Christmas, whenever an argument breaks out over an item, we bring the angry customers back here and film the brawl.
/ ELI: Like those "BUM FIGHTS?!" / B-N STORE GUY: Yeah, but instead of a moldy sandwich or a half-empty box of wine, winner gets the DVD. You losers in? / [[Suddenly HASTINGS has a mace!]]
/ HASTINGS: You aren't going to put this on that INTER-NET, are you?
/ B-N STORE GUY: Is there another place to put it? http://uglyhill.com/d/20061226.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, December 27, 2006 | PETER: Come on, man. I brought you to the store to cheer you up. Look, overpriced video game systems!
/ SNUG: I don't WANNA cheer up. I hate THINGS. Things are STUPID. / PETER: You can't just sit around eating sour cream all day just because Eli betrayed you. He feels really bad about it.
/ SNUG: Well SCREW HIM! 20 years of friendship and he ditches me for a CHICK? Nothing he can do would make it up to me! NOTHING! / [[Back in the back room...]]
/ ELI: Look, I WILL fight you for this DVD, but I also want the option to father children someday. No shots below the navel academy. Deal?
/ HASTINGS: LESS TALKIN', MORE ROCKIN'. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061227.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, December 28, 2006 | GREEN STORE GUY: PSST! Hey, you guys wanna see a fight? Tickets only ten bucks.
/ SNUG: Fight, huh? Is it to the death? / GREEN STORE GUY: Brother against brother, man. ANYTHING could happen.
/ SNUG: DUDE! Wasn't that the official tag line of the Civil War? I'm there! / SNUG: Maybe a good fatality is just what I need to cheer me up!
/ PETER: You'd PAY to see two guys rip each other apart in the back room of a retail store? / PETER: Oh. You're waiting for ME to pay him.
/ SNUG: I know you just got a hike in your allowance, dude. DON'T BE THAT GUY. http://uglyhill.com/d/20061228.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, December 29, 2006 | [[YELLOW STORE GUY has a microphone. Behind him is a Christmas wreath decorated with a big ribbon and a skull with X's for eyes.]]
/ YELLOW STORE GUY: Gather 'round, violence-lovers! If you came to see blind consumerism and dislodged molars, you will not be disappointed! / [[ELI wears a red do-rag, chains crossed over his chest and a spiked wristband.]]
/ YELLOW STORE GUY (offpanel): In THIS corner, weighing in at an even 200 lbs (including eyebrows), the hirsute harbinger of hatred; ELI KILGORE! / [[HASTINGS holds nunchaku and wears a red-eyed grin.]]
/ YELLOW STORE GUY (offpanel): And in this corner, weighing in at a fearsome 165 lbs, HASTINGS ALOYSIUS KILGORE!
/ ELI (offpanel): Hold on! WAIT! / ELI: THAT'S your middle name? I shouldn't have to hear this kind of thing from a referee!
/ HASTINGS: GET BACK IN YOUR CORNER. / {{"Nunchaku" is the correct term for the weapon lots of people call "nunchucks"--two sticks connected by a chain.}} http://uglyhill.com/d/20061229.html |
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