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| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 12, 2007 | [[ELI wakes up on the floor of his squalid new apartment.]]
/ ELI: YAWN! / ELI: All right! My first day of work in my great new apartment! I'm TOTALLY PSYCHED! / [[Eli is at his table, taking envelopes from a pile]]
/ ELI: Time to get lickin', cuz' this smut isn't going to solicit itself! LET'S PAY SOME BILLS! / ELI: Huh. My ear feels funny. Kind of hot and stingy.
/ Eh, I'm sure it'll go away soon. / CAPTION: 5 minutes later...
/ [[ELI's right ear is hugely swollen and bright red.]]
/ ELI: OH MY GOD WHY IS THERE NOTHING IN THIS STUPID APARTMENT TO KILL MYSELF WITH!? http://uglyhill.com/d/20070212.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 12, 2007 | [[ELI wakes up on the floor of his squalid new apartment.]]
/ ELI: YAWN! / ELI: All right! My first day of work in my great new apartment! I'm TOTALLY PSYCHED! / [[Eli is at his table, taking envelopes from a pile]]
/ ELI: Time to get lickin', cuz' this smut isn't going to solicit itself! LET'S PAY SOME BILLS! / ELI: Huh. My ear feels funny. Kind of hot and stingy.
/ Eh, I'm sure it'll go away soon. / CAPTION: 5 minutes later...
/ [[ELI's right ear is hugely swollen and bright red.]]
/ ELI: OH MY GOD WHY IS THERE NOTHING IN THIS STUPID APARTMENT TO KILL MYSELF WITH!? http://uglyhill.com/d/20070212.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, February 13, 2007 | [[ELI is at a doctor's office.]]
/ ELI: Please, my ear is KILLING me. How long until I can see the doctor?
/ GREEN RECEPTIONIST: I just need to see your insurance card. / ELI: I don't have insurance. I send people Chinese pornography through the mail. I'm not even sure if I'm getting paid in AMERICAN MONEY yet. / ELI: Am I about to fall through a "No Insurance Trap Door" or something?
/ GREEN RECEPTIONIST (suddenly holding a gun): No. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070213.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, February 14, 2007 | DOCTOR: Looks like you've got a pretty bad ear infection.
/ ELI: Thank God. I thought it was baby rats in my skull. / DOCTOR: Yeah, we ruled that out. We're all out of samples, so I can't give you the antibiotics you need.
/ ELI: What do I do? / DOCTOR: Try mooching off a family member. My parents are still paying my rent.
/ ELI: YOU? But aren't you a doctor? / DOCTOR: Kid, this is the free clinic. I could be ANYBODY. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070214.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, February 15, 2007 | [[ELI is at MOTHER KILGORE'S place.]]
/ MOTHER: Is that GLUE? Did you put glue in your ear, young man?!
/ ELI (sweating and quavery): No Mom, that's...pus. C-can you give me the money for the antibiotics or not? / MOTHER: What do I get? One of my sons already left me. YOU'LL probably leave too.
/ ELI: If you do this for me, I'll...I'LL MOVE IN WITH YOU. / ELI: Oh...OH GOD, I think I'm starting to hallucinate... / [[Suddenly, ELI is in Hell, confronted by a skeletal demon holding a pitchfork.]]
/ DEMON/MOTHER: POOR BABY! LET'S GET AN ICE PACK ON THAT!
/ ELI (small voice): What have I done? http://uglyhill.com/d/20070215.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, February 16, 2007 | MOTHER: Look at you. Your no-good brother is gone for less than a week and already you're getting infections in all your holes.
/ ELI: "No good"? But he's your favorite. / MOTHER: He betrayed the family, Eli. You remember what happened with your Uncle Jeff.
/ ELI: He moved to Nebraska to be a lawyer and you haven't spoken to him in 30 years. / ELI: Wait, you don't mean...
/ MOTHER: That's right, he's DEAD TO ME. And he's out OF THE WILL. / ELI (thinking delightedly!): YE$! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070216.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 19, 2007 | [[A bus cruises through the desert.]]
/ CAPTION: Somewhere in the desert...
/ HASTINGS: Maybe my decision was a tad hasty... / [[HASTINGS, on the bus.]]
/ HASTINGS: Mother was being selfish, but did I uproot my life simply out of anger at her immature behavior? / HASTINGS: No, of course not. My decision to take this promotion was based on the only thing that matters; logic. / HASTINGS: Don't you agree? / LITTLE KID: Where is my Daddy?
/ HASTINGS: He disagreed with my analysis. I SUGGEST YOU LEARN FROM HIS ERROR. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070219.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, February 20, 2007 | LITTLE KID: Hey scary man! WANNA COLOR?!
/ HASTINGS: I'm not sure a bus is the best place for that. How will we stay inside the lines? / LITTLE KID: You don't HAFTA stay inside the lines! / HASTINGS: Your technique is increasingly erratic! YOU'RE BARELY PAYING ATTENTION! / HASTINGS: FROGS ARE NOT PURPLE!
/ LITTLE KID: They are on NEPTUNE! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070220.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, February 21, 2007 | [[Day. HASTINGS and the LITTLE KID are at a rest stop.]]
/ HASTINGS: Your abhorrent coloring reminds me of a traumatic event from my youth, young man.
/ LITTLE KID: What's THAT mean? / HASTINGS: What? ABHORRENT? It means atrocious, detestable, repulsive... / [[Silent panel of LITTLE KID not knowing what those words mean, either.]] / HASTINGS: No one ever understood me. Even when I was your age... / [[Flashback to YOUNG HASTINGS and TYLER. YOUNG HASTINGS wears a white shirt, black tie and thick glasses.]]
/ YOUNG HASTINGS: Tyler, you must drink your milk. The calcium will help your horn grow thick and strong, to puncture your enemies.
/ TYLER: You're STUPID. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070221.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, February 22, 2007 | HASTINGS: I was a precocious child. So full of promise and vocabulary. / [[Flashback: YOUNG HASTINGS at school.]]
/ MRS. OLDHAM: Hastings! What are you doing?!
/ YOUNG HASTINGS: Ms. Oldham, I had just organized my lunchbox the way I liked it when Billy upset the delicate balance.
/ BILLY: OW! My arm! / BILLY: I just wanted to trade my two apples for your pudding pack! OW!
/ YOUNG HASTINGS: That is clearly a boldfaced LIE, Madam! It is also a SUB-STANDARD TRADE! / MRS. OLDHAM: I think he's telling the truth, Hastings. It IS a pretty sucky trade, though.
/ YOUNG HASTINGS: So you see my predicament.
/ [[Flings BILLY out of the panel.]]
/ EAT YOUR OWN APPLES, DUMBHEAD!
/ BILLY: AUGH! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070222.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, February 23, 2007 | HASTINGS: Up until the incident, I admit I did not have many friends, but at least my professional life was going swimmingly... / [[Flashback: YOUNG HASTINGS is pleased to see his report card.]]
/ YOUNG HASTINGS: An "A+" in sand box! Most excellent and well-deserved!
/ MRS. OLDHAM (offpanel): Gather 'round, children! Time for a group project! / MRS. OLDHAM (offpanel): I've paired you up into fours for a special coloring project! Hastings, you'll be with Billy, T.J. and Harrison.
/ BILLY (finger in nose): Nng!
/ T.J. (fascinated by a single block): OOH!
/ HARRISON (nervous and sweaty): Err... / CAPTION/HASTINGS: Suddenly, my academic career was at risk...
/ YOUNG HASTINGS (crumples paper): UNACCEPTABLE. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070223.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 26, 2007 | YOUNG HASTINGS: What we have here is a drawing of an elephant. Our task is to color it. Suggestions?
/ T.J.: GREEN! / YOUNG HASTINGS: NO. No T.J., that is incorrect. Anyone else?
/ HARRISON: Monkey? / YOUNG HASTINGS: No, Harrison, "MONKEY" is not a COLOR. And with that spectacular show of cunning, you just volunteered to fetch me a juice box. / YOUNG HASTINGS: You have TWO MINUTES, Harrison. If I could read this watch, I would start timing you...NOW!
/ HARRISON: YAAH! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070226.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, February 27, 2007 | HASTINGS: So you see, all the dumb, ugly children were making me look bad. I had to do something.
/ LITTLE KID: My mom usually knows what to do when I got a problem. / HASTINGS: EXACTLY! I needed to seek my mother's advice. Fortunately, in those days we were allowed to walk home for lunch, so I would have my chance.
/ LITTLE KID: One time, this big kid kept taking my milk money, so MY mom said to... / HASTINGS: HEY! Look, I paid you FAIR AND SQUARE. If you're not going to listen to MY story, I'll be glad to take my candy necklace back.
/ LITTLE KID (chews on necklace): No no, please go on. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070227.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, February 28, 2007 | HASTINGS: My mother, bless her heart. Even in those days she was as wise as the day is long. / [[Flashback to a pregnant MOTHER KILGORE smoking and resting an ashtray on her belly.]]
/ MOTHER: Hastings, you're home. Quick, come see what the baby can do! / MOTHER: HA! Lookit him kick! You show that ashtray who's boss!
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20070228.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 1, 2007 | YOUNG HASTINGS: Our teacher has devised a group project at school, and I got saddled with a gaggle of gape-mawed DIMWITS.
/ MOTHER: Losers dragging you down, huh? / MOTHER: Well LISTEN UP, Junior; you need to get rid of them, and FAST. Never ever put up with less than 110%. Anything less is an insult to you and anyone who ever LOOKED like you.
/ YOUNG HASTINGS: Yes, Mother. / YOUNG HASTINGS: Question: How far below 110% do they have to go before I start busting heads?
/ MOTHER: 109.999% http://uglyhill.com/d/20070301.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 2, 2007 | HASTINGS: I told T.J. a PASTE TRUCK overturned on the freeway and he started to salivate like a dog...
/ [[Flashback to T.J. running along the shoulder, licking his chops.]] / HASTINGS: Getting rid of Harrison was harder, until I figured out that he couldn't work the lock on the bathroom stall...
/ [[Flashback to HARRISON trapped in the stall.]]
/ HARRISON: Hello?
/ HASTINGS: ...and was too stupid to crawl underneath. / HASTINGS: With Billy, I improvised.
/ [[Flashback to YOUNG HASTINGS pointing at BILLY.]]
/ YOUNG HASTINGS: Mrs. Oldham! BILLY SHOWED ME HIS WEINER!
/ BILLY: ! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070302.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 5, 2007 | YOUNG HASTINGS: My partners left me to finish our project by myself. If you can't think of an appropriate punishment, I have several suggestions. / MRS. OLDHAM: Uh, thank you. WELL! I see you've done a wonderful job on your project anyway!
/ YOUNG HASTINGS: Yes. Elephants are GREY. / MRS. OLDHAM: Yes, it's VERY grey! But so are the trees, grass, and sky. You had a whole rainbow of colors to choose from! / MRS. OLDHAM: Why didn't you use any of them?
/ YOUNG HASTINGS: Rainbows make you gay. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070305.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, March 6, 2007 | [[The bus is back on the road and it's night again.]]
/ LITTLE KID: So I guess your mom gave you some good advice?
/ HASTINGS: She always knew just what to say. / LITTLE KID: Hey, we're here! There's MY mom!
/ HASTINGS: You CHERISH HER, son. No matter what she says, she always wants what's best for you. Remember that. / LITTLE KID: I will, sir. / [[They're off the bus.]]
/ LITTLE KID: She'll probably want to know what happened to Daddy.
/ HASTINGS: I'll let him out of the luggage compartment. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070306.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, March 7, 2007 | [[HASTINGS has arrived at his new office. It's total chaos. We see a chair on fire and knives stuck in the wall and floor.]]
/ HASTINGS: SWEET MERCY! Please tell me this is a pack of coked-out feral gypsies and NOT my new staff!
/ NED GOOSEBERRY (offpanel): I'm afraid it is. / HASTINGS: MR. GOOSEBERRY! It's such an honor to...
/ GOOSEBERRY: Kiss my wings later. They won't even listen to ME anymore. Observe... / GOOSEBERRY: YOU! Stop roasting a bag of corn chips over that flaming computer monitor!
/ GREEN CYCLOPS: I'M ON BREAK! / HASTINGS (eyes red!): WHY YOU DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE...
/ GOOSEBERRY: Careful. That cubicle is his territory. It's CLEARLY MARKED. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070307.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 8, 2007 | HASTINGS: This is impossible! How am I ever going to whip this staff into shape? What would Mother say?
/ MOTHER (in a thought balloon): NEVER accept less than 110%... / HASTINGS: My God. Deep down, Mother must have WANTED me to take this job, because she taught me the skills I needed to get it in the first place! How could she want anything less for me?
/ GOOSEBERRY: Meanwhile, these people are making a FOOL of you! What do you intend to DO about it? / HASTINGS: Oh, they're all fired.
/ ORANGE GUY (carving the drywall with a knife): What? WHY?! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070308.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 9, 2007 | Ned Gooseberry: So, your solution is to fire the entire staff? Please explain. / Hastings Kilgore: We need a clean slate. Anything less than 110% efficiency is an insult to you, sir. / Ned Gooseberry: Granted, but have you thought this through? Not all the employees have revolted. What about Billy, there? How would you justify firing him? / Billy: Mr. Gooseberry, I stayed up all night finishing those reports....hey, what's going on? / Hastings Kilgore: Billy showed me his weiner. / Ned Gooseberry: Excellent! Welcome aboard. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070309.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 12, 2007 | [[Peter Wipp eats popcorn and watches TV with Tom Wipp]] / [[Peter gets hit with a snowball]] / [[Peter dances in Hustle competition]] / [[Eli Kilgore and Peter eat ice cream]]
/ Eli: So, what have you been doing now that you're not working for my brother after school anymore?
/ Peter: Living. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070312.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, March 13, 2007 | Grant Sherman: Peter, this is the third time I've found you here after school. You know I find this place...unsettling.
/ Peter Wipp: Sorry, Grant. / Peter: I've had a lot more free time since I got laid off, and I like to spend it in the art room working on my portfolio. / Pestilence Moresorrow: Could you come help me with the kiln, Peter? It's still not working. / Grant: So, is "working on your portfolio" some sensual euphemism of which I was previously unaware?
/ Peter: What? No!
/ Peter: Shut up! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070313.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, March 14, 2007 | Grant Sherman: You're talking to a girl? What's her name? She's paler than milk on a marshmallow.
/ Peter Wipp: Quiet! She'll hear you! / Peter: Her given name is Patricia Merriweather, but she calls that her "slave name". Her chosen title is "Pestilence Moresorrow". / Grant: Ooh! Did you kiss her yet?! Did it taste like clove cigarettes and black hair dye?
/ Peter: No. Will you stop? We're just friends, it's not like that... / Peter: Is that what you think? That goths eat hair dye? What is wrong with you?
/ Grant: I know only what I see when I ride my Segway past the cemetery on my way to band practice. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070314.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 15, 2007 | Peter Wipp: Pestilence, I fixed the kiln. Pestilence?
/ Pestilence Moresorrow: Sorry, I was listening to "Frown Brigade". Have you heard of them? / Peter: Heard of them? Is that the new album, "Despair of Aces"?
/ Pestilence: No, "Despair" doesn't come out until next week. / Peter: Not for me. My dad used to do the band's taxes, so he gets advance copies of all their albums. I've had it for weeks! You want to come over and listen to it? / Pestilence: Well, I was planning to weep and carve my friends list on my forearm this afternoon. Do you have sharp knives at your house?
/ Peter: Hell yes! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070315.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 16, 2007 | Peter Wipp (thinking): Oh, man! I just remembered I left the album I promised Pestilence at work! / Peter: Hey, listen uh, I got a lot of homework. Could you come over to listen to the album later tonight?
/ Pestilence Moresorrow: My parents don't let me out after dark anymore after "The Incident". / Pestilence: Can you just bring it by the cemetery tomorrow?
/ Peter: Yes! I can! Excellent! I will see you then! Yes! / Peter (thinking): "The Incident"? What could that mean? I hope it wasn't frenching! Or do I hope it was frenching?! / Peter (thinking): Yes, yes I definitely hope it was.
/ Peter (thinking): Looks like I've got some diagrams to look up on the internet. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070316.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 19, 2007 | [[PETER is in the office.]]
/ PETER (thinking): So much for my vow never to set foot in this place again. Just get the CD and get out... / PETER: Oh God there's Elliott. What's he doing here so late?
/ [[ELLIOTT is chatting up a young lady as PETER watches from behind a cubicle wall.]]
/ ELLIOTT: Baby, you're looking at the next district manager of Poisonwood Maulington branch... / [[Reverse angle, watching over PETER'S shoulder.]]
/ ELLIOTT: You know it, Toots. Unlike these other schmucks, I'm willing to do anything for a promotion. ANYTHING.
/ GIRL: Tee hee! / GIRL (offpanel): What a coincidence! I was voted "Most Likely to Do Anything for a Promotion" in high school.
/ ELLIOTT (offpanel): That's why I'm sexually harassing you.
/ PETER: AUGH. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070319.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, March 20, 2007 | PETER: What do you think Elliott meant by that?
/ GRANT: What? That he'd do "anything for a promotion"? Who cares? / GRANT: You're less than 24 hours away from lip wrestling...WITH A GIRL...and you're thinking about some guy from work?
/ PETER: I know, my priorities are screwed up. I just have to put it out of my mind. / [[Silent panel of PETER.]] / PETER: If I could only get inside his HEAD. I wonder what he had to eat today. Probably a bowl of LIES.
/ [[Pops a can of soda.]]
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20070320.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, March 21, 2007 | [[PETER wakes up. Apparently, he spent the night at GRANT'S house. GRANT is eating what appears to be a toaster pastry.]]
/ PETER: Oh no! Is it morning already?!
/ GRANT: Mm-hm. Did you find any websites about making out? / PETER: NO. I spent all night worrying about what ELLIOTT is up to. Now my date with Pestilence is in an hour and I don't know anything about kissing... / GRANT: Relax. My cousin says frenching is just like eating a messy ice cream cone.
/ PETER (goes to laptop): I'll just do a search before I go. Maybe I can find some quick tips. / GRANT: PFFT! All that comes up is pictures of girls kissing other GIRLS! What can you learn from THAT?
/ USELESS!
/ [[PETER'S eyes bulge enormously.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20070321.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 22, 2007 | [[PETER is in the cemetery, leaning against a headstone.]]
/ PETER: I hate this place. Is there a place that zombies can't rise from the grave and devour your flesh on Saturday morning? Where IS SHE? / PETER: Oh, great. Now a funeral's coming through here. Better hide. / [[LADWIG and his daughter approach.]]
/ PETER (offpanel): Hey, is that MR. LADWIG? He must have had a death in the family. Bummer. / PETER: CRAP! HERE HE COMES!
/ [[We see that the headstone is marked "JOHN LADWIG, 1936-2007."]] / LADWIG'S DAUGHTER: Daddy, there's a boy taking a POOP behind Granpa's grave!
/ PETER: NO! Not pooping! Just squatting awkwardly! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070322.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 23, 2007 | PETER: I'm sorry, sir. I'll go wait for my date somewhere else.
/ LADWIG: No no, it's okay. We're done with the service. / PETER: All right. So, uh, how's work been since I left?
/ LADWIG: Fine. But now with my father gone, I'll have to resign so I can take over the family business. / [[PETER remembers ELLIOTT'S words.]]
/ ELLIOTT: I'll do anything to make branch manager. ANYTHING. / LADWIG (eyes tearing up): ...it's too late when we die to admit we don't see eye to eye...
/ PETER (wide-eyed as he remembers): OKAY COOL. HAPPY GRIEVING. I HAVE TO GO. BYE. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070323.html |
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