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| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, July 27, 2007 | Ms Mudrick: So, uh did you hear Hastings is back in the office today? He transferered back.
/ Elliott: He gave up his big promotion? Really? 'Cuz I heard he got fired. / Ms. Murdick: Okay, okay! He forced me to hire him back under a false identity. You're going to tell everyone arent you?
/ Elliot: Don't worry... / Elliot: I'm saving this one for a rainy day. / Eli: I'M BACK! Everything is perfect forever! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070727.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, July 30, 2007 | Hastings: Hello! Hastings Kilgore's desk, Hastings Kilgore speaking. How may I direct your call? / Dr. Malcolm: Hello Mr. Kilgore, this is Dr. Malcolm at St. Doug's Hospital. It's about your grandfather. / Hastings: Oh... well why aren you calling me? Isn't my mother his emergency contact? / Dr. Malcolm: We TRIED that number, but according to her answering machine, she's at a Jenga (R) Tournament in Oregon? / Hastings: BLAST! Her preoccupation with removing wooden blocks from miniature towers is a CONSTANT INCONVENIENCE TO ME! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070730.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, July 31, 2007 | Hastings Kilgore: Hello, I'm here to see a Mr. Hastings Slagmoore, please?
/ Nurse: Oh! Are you friend or family? / Hastings Kilgore: My name is Hastings Kilgore. I'm his grandson.
/ Nurse: A namesake! You two must be close. / Hastings Kilgore: Not really. Funny story: I actually haven't seen him since my high school graduation, and I had a little trouble caring enough to even show up! / Nurse: Third door on the left.
/ Hastings Kilgore: Great! I'll take this extra-thick pillow in case he starts talking to me about his bowel movements. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070731.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, August 1, 2007 | Hastings Slagmoore: Who are you? I'll call the police! I'm pretty sure my phone dials out!
/ Hastings Kilgore: It's me, Hastings.
/ Hastings Kilgore: Your grandson. / Hastings Slagmoore: My grandson in a heartless, disrespectful cuss who hasn't visited his own grandfather in over a decade.
/ Hastings Kilgore: With what my mother's told me about you, you're lucky I didn't firebomb this hospital when I heard you were here! / Hastings Slagmoore: Yeah okay, you're him. Pull up a chair or go to Hell.
/ Hastings Kilgore: Plus I never really cared for the elderly in general. Your skin tags and open-mouthed chewing disgust me. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070801.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, August 2, 2007 | Hastings: So, uh, what's up? Why are you in the hospital?
/ Grandpa: Who knows? I'm an old man. Nobody tells me anything. / Hastings: So wait... you're in the hospital, and you don't even know why? That's pathetic! / Grandpa: You just wait! You'll be old someday! They'll stick you in a Godforsaken place like this... with a one-eyed nurse, no less! / Hastings: I noticed that. You'd better watch your wallet.
/ Grandpa: I swallowed it. She's not getting my bus pass. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070802.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, August 3, 2007 | Eli Kilgore: Grandpa, I came as soon as I heard! Are you okay?
/ Hastings Slagmoore: Yeah, I'm fine. Don't start menstruating all over the place, fruit salad. / Eli Kilgore: Look, you can go, I'll take it from here. Grandpa can be...difficult.
/ Hastings Kilgore: No, I'll stay. We have a lot of catching up to do. Did you know he killed 97 Nazis in the war? / Eli Kilgore: Grandpa was 10 years old in 1944.
/ Hastings Kilgore: Almost 100 kills before puberty? That's good patriotism! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070803.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, August 6, 2007 | Hastings Kilgore: Nine failed marriages?! I salute the master!
/ Hastings Slagmoore: You're young, yet. You'll get there. / Hastings Slagmoore: So, do you still believe all those terrible things your mother told you about me when you were growing up?
/ Hastings Kilgore: Absolutely. / Hastings Kilgore: And then some! You've live a bitter, joyless life, sir. / Hastings Slagmoore: Always remember; die angry and leave a heavy corpse.
/ Hastings Kilgore: I shall always heed your precious pearls of wisdom. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070806.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, August 7, 2007 | Eli Kilgore: Grandpa called. He's getting out of the hopital tomorrow and he wants you to pick him up. I'll do it if you want. / Hastings Kilgore: Eil, our grandfather is a hateful dried up old turd. I simply adore him.
/ Eli Kilgore: Why does he like so much? You blew him off for over a decade. / Hastings Kilgore: Prodigal son privileges, I guess. He likes you!
/ Eli Kilgore: When I answered the phone, he thought I was the answering machine... / Eli Kilgore: Then he asked why we had a gay answering machine.
/ Hastings Kilgore: Ha! That is what I can only assume is "classic grandpa"! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070807.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, August 8, 2007 | Hastings: Here we are, Grandpa; home sweet home! i know you think flowers are fruity so I brought you a box of hammers. / Hastings' Mother: What the hell is going on here?!
/ Hastings: Mother?! I thought you were on vacation. / Hastings' Mother: I WAS, and then I came home to find a message that my father was in the hospital.
/ Hastings: But Mother, I just... / Hastings' Grandfather: Don't mind her, kid. She's just mad she didn't get a call from the coroner.
/ Hastings' Mother: I'm in the room, Dad! What did we talk about? Recognize my presence! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070808.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, August 9, 2007 | Hastings' Mother: What lies are you filling my son's head with?
/ Hastings' Grandfather: Did you hear something? Sounds like a menopausal gargoyle with a case of the black lung.
/ Hastings: Can we talk about this? / Hastings' Mother: I wonder why you've chosen NOW, after I've cut you out of my will, to strike up a relationship with your grandfather?
/ Hastings: The hospital called me! What was I supposed to do? / Hastings' Mother: Is it too much to ask to let him suffer and die alone? Why can't you do a simple thing for your mother?
/ Hastings: Of course! Where was my head?! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070809.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, August 10, 2007 | Hastings' Mom: You're after his money! You're going over my head! You know everything he says is a lie, right? I forbid you to see that man! / Hastings: He did tell me some questionable war stories... But Grandpa's doctor says he shouldn't be alone the next few days. Who's going to watch him? / Hastings' Mom: If you want my forgiveness, you'll leave now and "let nature take its course". / Hastings: I guess criminal neglect of an old man is a small price to pay for a mother's love.
/ Histings' Mom: Welcome home, Son! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070810.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, August 13, 2007 | [[Eli and Hastings are sitting on couch eating dinner on TV trays]] / Eli: So how's Grandpa doing? You stopped talking about him all of a sudden. / Hastings: He's fine. I've just been busy at work, that's all. I need a refill. / [[Eli and Hastings walking from living room to kitchen]] / Eli: Not too busy to spend every night at mom's house. When did you two start talking again? / Hastings: I don't know what you're talking about. / [[Eli and Hastings in kitchen, Hastings pouring orange drink]] / Eli: She DISOWNED you! You cried yourself to sleep for TWO WEEKS over it! / Hastings: Now I KNOW you're crazy, because I would NEVER... / [[Eli turns on tape recorder]] < http://uglyhill.com/d/20070813.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, August 14, 2007 | Hastings: Everywhere I go, I see reminders of Grandpa. / [[Hastings looks on as a young man helps his grandfather down the street before Hastings]] / [[Hastings sadly eyes a giant can of "8 Million Prunes" at the bulk warehouse]] / [[Hastings weeps before the television]]
/ TV: Trouble urinating? Try WEEALIS Caution: may cause difficulty urinating and face tumors. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070814.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, August 15, 2007 | [[Eli is holding an envelope. Hastings is extremely excited in the background]]
/ Eli: You got a letter. The return address is Grandpa's house.
/ Hastings: WHAT?! GIVE IT! / [[Hastings is reading the letter. We see the letter at the top of the panel]]
/ Grandpa's letter: Dear Hastings, I would like an opportunity to set the record straight. I may not be around much longer, and I would appreciate five minutes of your time to let me explain. Love, Grandpa. / [[Hastings is in black and white, a tear going down one eye, clutching the letter to himself]]
/ Hastings: *whimper*... / [[Hastings is red and furious; huge eyes, screaming mouth. Eli's hand is seen holding a running tape recorder. The red light is obviously on.]]
/ Hastings: PLEASE STOP DOCUMENTING MY PAIN! http://uglyhill.com/d/20070815.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, August 16, 2007 | [[Hastings is entering through a door]]
/ hastings: Grandpa? It's me. I got your letter. Mother doesn't know I'm here, so we can talk as long as you want. / [[Grandpa can be seen from behind, stooped forward in his chair]]
/ hastings: HELLO?! Oh, now YOU'RE not talking to me either? You send me a heartfelt letter begging me to hear your side of the story before you run out of time, and now you... / [[Flies are buzzing around Hastings, who looks crestfallen]
/ Hastings: Oh. / Hastings: Look, I'm going to go outside and come back in again. If you're still dead, I am going to be SUPER-PISSED. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070816.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, August 17, 2007 | [[Eli and Hastings stand beside a covered body on a gurney]]
/ Eli: You did all you could, man. It was just his time.
/ Hastings: Uh, yeah. I guess. / [A paramedic addresses Mrs. Kilgore; she is crying and yelling]]
/ Paramedic: I'm sorry, Mrs. Kilgore. Your father is gone.
/ Mrs. Kilgore: OH, GOD, NO! WHY? YOU WERE TOO YOUNG, DADDY! TOO YOUNG! / [[The paramedic is followed out by Mrs. Kilgore]]
/ Mrs. Kilgore: Hold it, scooter. When's the will reading?
/ Paramedic: I'm just the paramedic, ma'am. / [[Mrs. Kilgore is clearly upset]]
/ Mrs. Kilgore: What the hell are we paying a PARAMEDIC for?! Didn't you say he was already DEAD?!
/ Paramedic: I'm sure you'll still have enough for a first class regrigerator box. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070817.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, August 20, 2007 | [[Hastings is greeting Peter who is dressed for a funeral]]
/ Hastings: Hello, Peter. Thank you for coming.
/ Peter: P-people have GOT to stop inviting me to funerals. / [[Hastings and Uncle Jeff]]
/ Hastings: Uncle Jeff, nice to see you again. I'm sorry for your loss.
/ Uncle Jeff: You too, kid. It's a shame...your mom and my dad were thick as thieves before they turned on each other. / [[Hastings eyes brim with tears]]
/ Hastings: Really? I'd like to hear about that!
/ Uncle Jeff: Can't, I haven't spoken to either of them in 30 years. Which one of these stiffs is him? I've been working on this loogie all the way from Nebraska. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070820.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, August 21, 2007 | [[A lawyer is reading from a piece of paper. Mrs. Kilgore is clearly annoyed, Uncle Jeff is smoking]]
/ Lawyer: "I, Hastings Slagmoore, being of sound mind and body"
/ Mrs. Hastings: We know his name,JACKASS! Get to the good part! / [[Eli and Hastings watch from a distance]]
/ Eli: Did they read the will yet?
/ Hastings: Not yet. Mom and Uncle Jeff aren't done berating the estate attorney. / [[Hastings cradles his grandfather's urn]]
/ Eli: Why are you holding Grandpa's urn like that?
/ Hastings: Uncle Jeff keeps trying to urinate in it. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070821.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, August 22, 2007 | [[Mrs. Kilgore sits with crossed arms, Uncle Jeff throws an arm into the air]]
/ Lawyer: "To my son, Jeff, I leave my house..."
/ Jee: WOO! REAL ESTATE! / [[Mrs. Kilgore and Jeff both look stunned]]
/ Lawyer: "And to both my children, I leave $500,000 in credit card debt" / [[Mrs. Kilgore and Jeff are angry]]
/ Eli and Hastings: HA! / [[Eli and Hastings look elated]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20070822.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, August 23, 2007 | Eli: I guess grandpa got the last laugh. No life insurance and $500,000 in credit card debt!
/ Hastings: He Hee...even if they sell the house it won't cover HALF of it! / Eli: Since when are YOU so happy to see mom screwed over?
/ Hastings: I'm not happy, I'm GRIEVING, and I happen to be grieving by giggling quietly to myself. / Eli: So what are we gonna do with grandpa's ashes?
/ Hastings: I've got a place all picked out. / [[File cabinet in Hastings's office that reads [invoices] [reports] [grandpa]]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20070823.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, August 24, 2007 | [[Hastings holds his grandfather's urn]]
/ Hastings:I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to know you better, Grandpage Slagmoore. I was blinded by loyalty, but I won't make that mistake again. / [[Hastings places the urn in the bottom drawer of his filing cabinet]]
/ Hastings: I hope you can forgive me, and that you finally get the dignity and respect in death that you deserved in life. / [[Hastings flips off the light]] / [[Janitor vacuums the ashes from the bottom drawer]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20070824.html |
| [[Young Eli and Snug in a schoolyard, a young cyclops stands in the background]] / Young Snug: Mom won't take me to get the new "Thumb Stew" album 'cuz she says it's got too many swear words! / Young Eli: No Way! Lame! / [[Teenage Eli and Snug in High School, the same cyclops stands in the background]] / Teen Snug: Mom won't take me to get the new "Thumb Stew" album 'cuz she says I gotta graduate high school first! / Teen Eli: No Way! Lame! / [[Present day Eli and Snug, with the cyclops' grave appearing in the background]] / Snug: Mom won't take me to get the new "Thumb Stew" album 'cuz her car got impounded for havin' too many old melted ashtrays fused to the dashboard! / Eli: Feh. / {{Beginning of 'Primal Rave' storyline}} | |
| [[Snug's house]] / Snug: I missed out on the debut of every "Thumb Stew" album in my lifetime, but I refuse to miss this one! / Eli: Why don't you just download it? / Snug: BECAUSE THE BAND IS DOING A RARE ALBUM SIGNING AT THE MUSIC STORE IN MAULINGTON THIS TIME! / Eli: Fine. What about your dead uncle's truck? Can't you drive that? / Snug: Not unless you want to help me dredge it up from the bottom of the river. / Eli: Oh, right. Did I say "truck?" I meant "evidence." / Editor/Caption: See comic from 5/21/07 -The Editor | |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, August 29, 2007 | Eli: All right, since it's sort of my fault you have no ride, I'll take you to get
/ the album.
/ Snug: Woo! / Eli: Oh, hey Hastings. I need the car this afternoon.
/ Hastings: No Eli, I'm on my way to work. / Eli: Work? But it's Saturday morning! / Eli: Shouldn't you already be at work?
/ Hastings: My left arm felt numb and I decided to give it a minute. Excuse me. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070829.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, August 30, 2007 | Hastings: NO!
/ Eli: Why can't you give snug a ride? It's on your way to the office. / Hastings: So is the SEWAGE TREATMENT PLANT, but you don't see me popping in every morning with an empty thermos and a bendy straw. / Eli: So giving my best friend a 20 minute ride is like drinking liquefied organic waste?
/ Hastings: Wrong as usual, idiot! / Hastings: Drinking liquefied organic waste WITH A BENDY STRAW. It's a critically important part of a lovingly-crafted analogy that is intended to communicate both disgust AND humiliation. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070830.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, August 31, 2007 | Snug Snugworth: Thanks for the ride, Dude! I owe you one!
/ Hastings Kilgore: You stowed away in my trunk and rolled out when we passed the music store! / Snug Snugworth: Well, thanks for stopping to make sure I was okay.
/ Hastings Kilgore: I stopped because the polce saw you exit the vehicle and thought I was delivering mob informants to a watery grave / Snug Snugworth: Thanks for not murdering me?
/ Hastings Kilgore: My acceptance of your gratitude is pending future homicidal rage. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070831.html |
| Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, September 3, 2007 | Hastings: As long as I'm here, I might as well take a poke at the old bargain bin. / Snug: Ha ha! Enjoy your filthy old big band 8-Tracks!
/ Hastings: Who are you to condemn my tastes? What's the horrid group you're here to see? "Bum Screw"? / Snug: "Thumb Stew" is the best progressive/black/death/speed metal band in the last 25 years! Better than "Blood Salad", "Polypsicle", and "Roast Grief Sandwich" combined! / Hastings: Why are they all food-themed puns?
/ Snug: Because we're hungry... for METAL. And puns. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070903.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, September 4, 2007 | Snug: My music is my life. It's who I am.
/ Eli Hastings: Music is nothing more than controlled noise. A meaningless distraction. / Snug: Whatever, dude. Enjoy your drunken 1940s crooners. Meanwhile, I'm about to get a payoff for the last two decades of band loyalty by meeting the gods of metal in person! / Snug: Hey buddy, better get this techno music off the speaker system before "Thumb Stew" gets here.
/ Store Worker: Why? This is their new album. / [[Snug's head explodes]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20070904.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, September 5, 2007 | Snug: What is going on? What is going on? / Store Worker: "Thumb Stew" changed their format from metal to techno. Don't you read the news letter? / Snug: No! My mother canceled my fan club member ship when they used an "objectionable stamp".
/ Store Worker: All their fans deserted them when they sold out. / Snug: Why is this happening to me?!
/ Store Worker: You?! What am i gonna do with 1,400 hot pink promotional tabs of ecstasy? http://uglyhill.com/d/20070905.html |
| Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, September 6, 2007 | Blue Thumb Stew band member: I told you no one would show up.
/ Snug: You sellouts! What have you done to yourselves?! / Blue Thumb Stew band member: Look, a fan! Quick, give him a free copy of the album! He'll tell his friends!
/ Snug: You shills! I wouldn't subject my friends to this pap if ... / Snug: Hey, you didn't sign it.
/ Pink Thumb Stew band member: We only sign glow sticks and boobs now. http://uglyhill.com/d/20070906.html |
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