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You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, December 5, 2007 [[PETER stands atop a pile of junk, looking all Bruce Campbell-y.]] / PETER: OK you primitive screwheads; LISTEN UP! / [[He raises the weedwhacker taped to his stump.]] / PETER: You see this? This...is my WEED WHACKER! Feiffinger Discount's top of the line. You can find this in the Gardening Department. Retails for about $109.95. That's right. Why pay? Shop Feiffinger's. / PETER: YOU GOT THAT? / DARKNESS: "SCREWHEADS?" What is that...from a MOVIE or something? / [[PETER weed-whacks DARKNESS' nose.]] / <> / DARKNESS: BLEAUGH!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071205.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, December 6, 2007 PESTILENCE: PETER! What are you doing here?! / PETER (bruised, dirty and spattered with someone else's blood): Army of...DARKNESS...wanted...to hurt you...is that why...you weren't in school...today? / PESTILENCE: No. I stayed home because all I have are black clothes, and my Mom blew all her money on my step-dad's landscaping correspondence course. It was either fake sick or wear a potato sack to school. / [[PESTILENCE kisses PETER on the cheek with a little heart and crossbones.]] / PESTILENCE: Thank you, Peter. / PETER (hearts for eyes, big grin): I think I killed your weed-whacker. / PESTILENCE (pleased): This will impact Jerry's performance on his final exam.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071206.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, December 7, 2007 GRANT: EXCELLENT NEWS! The school has repealed its ban on the color black! / PETER: Really? That IS great! Why? / GRANT: I guess the football team was upset that they couldn't put that black stuff under their eyes anymore, so the PTA folded like a card table! / PETER: AWESOME! I'd better try and call Pestilence before she gets to school, though, because... / PESTILENCE (offpanel): Okay, I'm here... / [[PESTILENCE has changed her hair from black to auburn and is wearing a yellow top and a white skirt instead of her usual gray sweatshirt.]] / PESTILENCE: First one to laugh gets KICKED IN THE THROAT. / [[GRANT and PETER whistle nervously and look away.]]
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071207.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, December 10, 2007 [[Newlyweds HASTINGS and NORA are sitting on the couch under a blanket, watching TV. The room is lit by the bluish glow of the screen.]] / HASTINGS: I had forgotten how wonderful marriage could be. I love you, my darling wife. / NORA: And I love you, husband. / HASTINGS: Just being close with someone and sharing every aspect of our lives is such a simple joy. / [[HASTINGS gets up, yawns and stretches.]] / HASTINGS: Well, it's almost 9 o'clock! Time to retire to our separate bedrooms for the night. / NORA: But it gets so LONELY in my bed. / [[HASTINGS has donned a sleeping mask.]] / HASTINGS: Your aggressive foot odor and my night terrors care not for your loneliness. I will see you in the morning.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071210.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, December 11, 2007 [[HASTINGS is eating a sandwich. PETER approaches, carrying a gift box wrapped in gray paper with a festive dark-gray ribbon.]] / PETER: Want to see what I got my girlfriend for Christmas? / HASTINGS: GOOD GOD! I've been so buried in work, I completely forgot the annual winter gift-giving holiday! / PETER: HA! Did you forget to get your new wife a gift? You don't even know her well enough to know what she LIKES yet, do you? / [[HASTINGS is anxiously wringing his tie and sweating.]] / HASTINGS: YES! / NO! / PETER: See, MY girlfriend likes skulls and blood. I got her a skull with blood in it! / [[And that's exactly what PETER is holding. HASTINGS produces an armload of cash.]] / HASTINGS: HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR IT?!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071211.html
 
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, December 12, 2007 HASTINGS: Rejoice, my brother! I've thought of the perfect present for my Nora! / ELI (holding a book titled "BOOK"): I hope it's better than the gift you got me... / HASTINGS: Since we got married so quick, we never officially filed our marriage license. / ELI: In fact, I did not appreciate it at all... / HASTINGS: I'm going to finalize our marriage, frame the license, and present it to her on Christmas Eve! / HASTINGS: You can have all your crap moved out into the street by then, right? / ELI (clutching a suitcase with a red bow on it): THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR THOUGHTFUL HOLIDAY GESTURE.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071212.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, December 13, 2007 HASTINGS: Hello, low-level government employee! I would like to file this immediately! / LOW-LEVEL GOVT EMPLOYEE: Uh, okay. / [[GOVT EMPLOYEE examines the marriage license closely.]] / HASTINGS: Come on, come on! HURRY UP! / GOVT EMPLOYEE: I'm sorry, Mr. Kilgore, but I can't process this marriage certificate. / HASTINGS: What? WHY NOT?! / GOVT EMPLOYEE: You were mean to me. Humble yourself by kissing my name-plate and MAYBE I'll help you. / HASTINGS (puckering up): YOU'RE LUCKY I'M DESPERATE. / GOVT EMPLOYEE: JUST KIDDING! I can't do it because you're ALREADY married! NEXT! / [[HASTINGS' bulging eyes crack his glasses (he is kissing the name-plate, though).]]
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071213.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, December 14, 2007 [[An enraged, red-eyed HASTINGS screams at another GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE.]] / HASTINGS: WHAT DOES HE MEAN I'M ALREADY MARRIED?! / OTHER GOVT EMPLOYEE: It says here you're still legally married to a "Daisy Ellington?" / [[HASTINGS goes pale.]] / HASTINGS: Oh my God...She never signed the divorce papers! I'M STILL MARRIED TO MY 7TH WIFE?! / [[Even paler.]] / HASTINGS: You mean I've been married...this WHOLE TIME...? I suddenly feel so...so... / [[HASTINGS clenches his fists so tightly his hands bleed.]] / OTHER GOVT EMPLOYEE: Oh no! Four years worth of despair are flooding his mind all at once! SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN A SPORTS CAR! / HASTINGS: Feeling...trapped. Must...assert independence...through hair plugs...and loose women...
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071214.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, December 17, 2007 [[ELI stands at a bus stop, surrounded by all his stuff, as HASTINGS runs up behind him.]] / HASTINGS: ELI! Thank God you're still here! You have to help me! / ELI: SLAG OFF! I'm spending the night at the BUS STATION thanks to you. / HASTINGS: I need you to talk to Daisy for me. / ELI: Your ex-wife? Why? / HASTINGS: Because according to this, she's my CURRENT wife! SHE NEVER SIGNED THE DIVORCE PAPERS! / ELI: This seems like something you should have noticed before now. / HASTINGS: I know. I think I retroactively repressed all memories of our marriage on that day she threw one of her kids at me.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071217.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, December 18, 2007 [[HASTINGS and ELI, driving to DAISY'S.]] / ELI: You know if I do this for you, you can't kick me out of our apartment, right? / HASTINGS: If Daisy signs those papers, I'll build you your own MANSION out of popsicle sticks and brown mustard. / [[The entrance to the Purdy Mouth Trailer Park.]] / HASTINGS: Here we are. I hope she still lives here. / ELI: Wow, I haven't been to "Purdy Mouth" since your wedding reception. They even have the same Christmas decorations up! / HASTINGS: Yes. Too bad we were married in JULY. / ELI: NAILED IT, dude. I TOTALLY set you up for that one.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071218.html
 
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, December 19, 2007 [[ELI knocks at the door of DAISY'S trailer.]] / <> / DAISY (from inside): I told y'all, I ain't got yer money! Kill as many of my dogs as you want, but you can't get chicken gravy from a pine cone! / ELI: Uh, no, Daisy, it's me, Eli? Your ex-brother-in-law? / [[DAISY emerges. She has a blonde ponytail and her claws are painted bright red. She's smoking and holding a beer.]] / DAISY: Well I'll be dipped in pig butter, it's Eli Kilgore! / DAISY: Just gimme a minute to fish my baby out of the dishwater and I'll be right with you. / ELI: Take your time.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071219.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, December 20, 2007 DAISY: So, you want me to sign the divorce papers, right? / ELI: Well, y--Hey, how did you know that? / [[DAISY is cradling a baby on her shoulder and, in the background, ELI is patting another one on the head.]] / DAIST: I been waitin' for Hastings to notice we was still legally hitched for years now. Lemme guess; he wants to get remarried? / ELI: Don't you want to move on with YOUR life, too? / DAISY: Butch and me ain't need a PIECE 'O PAPER to tell us we's in LOVE. / ELI: But isn't Butch your BR--? / BUTCH: They said our love could never be...BUT THEY WAS WRONG.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071220.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, December 21, 2007 ELI: If YOU'VE moved on, why not just sign the divorce papers and let my brother do the same? / DAISY: This ain't about ME, it's about my young'ins. / DAISY: Hastings and I was only together for a few months, but my kids got attached to him just the same. I figger he owes them a proper goodbye. / ELI: Oh, is THAT all? That's easy! He's in the car, I'll go get him! / DAISY: MUDPIE, DAISY JR! DADDY SQUAREHEAD'S BACK FROM THE TOBACCY STORE TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH US! / KIDS (offpanel): HOORAY! / [[ELI is trembling and sweating as he heads for the door.]]
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071221.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, December 24, 2007 [[ELI shoves HASTINGS toward the trailer.]] / ELI: Get IN there! What's the big DEAL? / HASTINGS: NO! I won't do it! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! / ELI: Look, Daisy says she'll sign the divorce papers if you spend one last Christmas with her kids. / HASTINGS: I don't care, it's not worth it! Those vile creatures traumatized me for life! / ELI: Look, I usually don't pry into these things, but how did you ever get involved with an inbred, toothless, trailer-trash redneck like Daisy anway? / HASTINGS: We share many of the same views on immigration.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071224.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, December 25, 2007 KIDS (offpanel): DADDY SQUAREHEAD! We knew you'd come back! / HASTINGS: Oh God. They found me! And they TALK now? / [[DAISY JR. is the same species as her mother. MUDPIE looks like he's the same species as PESTILENCE.]] / HASTINGS: Ha ha! uh, h-hello, Mudpie...Daisy Jr. Now listen, I-I can't stay long, so let's... / MUDPIE: Aw, really? / MUDPIE: But Mama said you'd help me file this paperwork to get a low-income housing tax credit. / DAISY JR.: And I need help organizing my white board markers by size, color, and ink level. / HASTINGS: GODS! I guess I had more of an influence on you than your REAL father ever did. / MUDPIE: Mama says our real Daddy lives in the SEPTIC TANK!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071225.html
 
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, December 26, 2007 ELI: I'll be back to pick you up in the morning. Will you be okay with Daisy's kids? / HASTINGS: We're gonna make sugar-free gingerbread men with non-alcoholic, fat-free egg nog! / ELI: City Hall is closed tomorrow, you know. You won't be able to get Nora her gift. / HASTINGS: And then! And then! We're going to read an Economics textbook at bedtime! / ELI: Uh huh. I don't know how those kids managed to absorb as much of your warped personality as they did in such a short period of time. / HASTINGS: I'm getting Daisy Jr. a stapler to go with the box of staples she got last year.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071226.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, December 27, 2007 DAISY: Your brother's here to pick you up. / HASTINGS (wearing an elf hat, clutching a pile of folders): But we were just about to road test Mudpie's new manilla folders. / DAISY: Here's my end of the deal. Thanks for spendin' Christmas with my kids, they really look up to you. / [[She holds out the papers.]] / HASTINGS: THE DIVORCE PAPERS! Oh my God, I forgot about NORA! I'll NEVER be able to get her gift now! / [[HASTINGS grabs ELI and starts choking him.]] / HASTINGS: WHY DIDN'T YOU REMIND ME?! / MUDPIE (offpanel): Are you firing that man, Daddy Squarehead? / HASTINGS: You can't fire family, son... / YOU HAVE TO KILL THEM.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071227.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, December 28, 2007 [[NORA is looking at a piece of paper.]] / NORA: This is my gift? "I.O.U. ONE BABY?" / HASTINGS (offpanel): It's every woman's dream come true! / HASTINGS: I know I said I hated kids, but this weekend I realized that I just hate OTHER PEOPLE'S kids! / HASTINGS: IMAGINE IT, Nora. We can MOLD THEIR MINDS! A house full of tiny, pragmatic soldiers in our ever-growing army of EMOTIONALLY-STUNTED PAPER-PUSHERS! / NORA: I'm barren. / HASTINGS: Oh no, it's MY turn to be the Baron tonight! Now fetch my velvet cape, you brazen wench! TO THE CONCEPTION CHAMBER!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071228.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, December 31, 2007 [[SLUG and ELI are at a pizza place, celebrating ELI's birthday.]] / SNUG: Nobody should look that sad with a pointy hat on. Have some more pizza. / ELI: Is this all there is? / SNUG: WAITER! More grease wedges for the birthday boy! / ELI: No no, I mean to LIFE. I'm almost 30 YEARS OLD, and how have I spent my time? I'm such a WASTE. / SNUG: Oh, come on! It was YOUR idea to bring our own music to the pizza place. / ELI (offpanel): Yeah, but you can only watch an animatronic teddy bear band play death metal so many times before it loses its zing. / SNUG (offpanel): I DISAGREE. / [[ONpanel, a child flees in terror from the rockin' animatronic band.]]
http://uglyhill.com/d/20071231.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, January 1, 2008 [[ELI and HASTINGS are walking home from the store.]] / ELI: I just feel like I'll never make my mark, you know? Like nobody will ever know I was here when I'm dead. / HASTINGS: You might leave the world's ugliest corpse. / ELI: I'M POURING MY HEART OUT, HERE! / HASTINGS: Eli, FALLING ASLEEP ON THE TOILET at 3PM is not the behavior of a man determined to change the world. / HASTINGS: Success won't find you in the bathroom. You have to WORK for it. / ELI: In all fairness, it was HARD WORK that made me so tired in the first place. / HASTINGS (looking in the fridge): Did you eat ALL the cheese?!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080101.html
 
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, January 2, 2008 HASTINGS: Nobody can achieve greatness without first paying their dues. / ELI: OOH, I'll pay some dudes! How much and where do I find them? / HASTINGS: Dues, Eli. DUES. A man must SUFFER before he can shine. It's a basic law of the universe. / ELI: Really? YOU seem pretty miserable. Can you get me a job at your company? / HASTINGS: Silly man-child! I have ALREADY ATTAINED the prestige you seek! / HASTINGS: The doctor attributes my general malaise to low blood sugar and advanced carpal tunnel syndrome. / [[Wiggles his gnarled claws.]]
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080102.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, January 3, 2008 [[HASTINGS has gotten ELI a job at Poisonwood Brands.]] / HASTINGS: Mike, this is my brother, Eli. He'll be starting in the mail room today. / ELI: Hey Mike. / MIKE: Nice to meet you. / HASTINGS: The only reason I got him this job is because he wouldn't stop CRYING until I hired him! / ELI: HEY! Come on; don't tell him that! / HASTINGS: Don't expect much out of old Eli; except for TEARS, of course! If my brother cried nickels, he wouldn't even need a job! / Did I mention we're paying him in lace hankies? / [[MIKE pats ELI on the shoulder.]] / MIKE: It's okay. / I'm gay, too.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080103.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, January 4, 2008 ELI: Hey Mike, what's with all these posters? They're all over the office. / MIKE: Those are motivational posters. They're supposed to inspire you to work harder, I guess. / [[ELI looks at one of the posters.]] / ELI: "INSIDE EACH OF US IS A GREAT IDEA." Do you think that's true? / MIKE: I had a great idea once. I was just sitting on my porch last summer and it came to me in a flash of light. / ELI: Really? What was it? / MIKE: Sunglasses for bug zappers. / ELI (awed and astounded): WHOA.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080104.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, January 7, 2008 [[ELI peeks over HASTINGS' cubicle wall.]] / ELI: I QUIT! / HASTINGS: COME ON! It's not even lunch time yet! / ELI: I just learned that deep inside of me somewhere is one GREAT IDEA, and I don't have to "SUFFER" to find it, either. / ELI: MIKE says that the best ideas come when you're not doing anything at all! MIKE says I'm going to discover my one great idea and get RICH! / HASTINGS: Mike has worked in the MAIL ROOM for 32 years. / ELI: Only because his sexy Latin boyfriend stole all his prototype money to open a tanning salon/salad bar in Pismo Beach! DAMN YOU, RAMON!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080107.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, January 8, 2008 [[ELI returns home, loosening his tie as he enters.]] / ELI: Okay! Quit job? CHECK! Sit motionless for hours on end waiting for inspiration to strike? / [[Holds up notepad and pencil.]] / ELI: PENDING. / [[ELI sits at kitchen table, staring into space, pad and pencil before him. Wall clock says it's 10:00.]] / ELI: Oh, who am I kidding? THIS is no way to get things done. / [[Same as panel 3, except ELI now has an open laptop in front of him, it's darker in the room and the wall clock says it's 4:00.]]
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080108.html
 
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, January 9, 2008 PETER: How's "Leonardo" doing? / SNUG: No great ideas yet. / SNUG: So far I think he's just been sitting in his room listening to the "Toejam and Earl" theme on Repeat. / ELI (from behind his closed door, decorated with a stick-figure drawing, a picture of a skull and signs reading "Genius at work" and "Keep out!"): MUSIC HELPS ME THINK! / [[SNUG rolls his eyes.]] / [[Silent panel of ELI looking thoughtful--and dressed exactly like the image of Toejam visible on the poster behind him.]]
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080109.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, January 10, 2008 [[ELI, bearded and grubby, stands at a podium. The "microphone" is a soda can stuck on a pencil. PETER sits nearby, arms folded.]] / ELI: You're probably wondering why I've gathered you all here today. / PETER: You didn't "gather" us. / PETER: We came over to take shifts on your suicide watch. / ELI (glassy-eyed and insane): BUT WHY WOULD I PRECIPITATE MY PASSING WHEN I'M PRESENTLY PERCHED ON THE PRECIPICE OF PROMINENCE AND PROSPERITY? / [[PETER whispers to SNUG.]] / PETER: I've seen this before. He feels stupid, so he's using unnecessarily large words and sloppy alliteration to compensate. / {{You'd think Snug would know about this tic, since he's known Eli a lot longer than Peter has.}} / SNUG: Give me the thesaurus. / ELI: NO! YOU'LL HAVE TO DEFTLY DISENGAGE IT FROM MY DECEASED DIGITS!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080110.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, January 11, 2008 [[SNUG and PETER are offering support to ELI.]] / SNUG: We'll help you come up with your great idea, Buddy. We'll stay all night if we have to. / ELI: Thanks. You guys are good friends. / [[PETER looks at ELI's notepad.]] / PETER: All right, let's see what you have so far... / [[ELI has drawn a giant ham with angry eyes, hovering over a skyline and being shot at with anti-aircraft fire.]] / PETER: So, are you creating the giant radioactive ham, or the weapons system to PROTECT us from said ham? / ELI: My research shows it would have to be both.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080111.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, January 14, 2008 ELI: I give up. You can't force inspiration, and it's almost 3AM. Go home and get some sleep, guys. / PETER: Sorry, man. / [[Three-way panel of ELI, SNUG and PETER all asleep in their respective beds.]] / [[Similar layout, only all three have snapped awake to delightedly shout...]] / ELI, SNUG and PETER: EUREKA! / [[ELI sits up in bed and begins writing.]] / ELI: This proves it: QUITTING IS THE NEW TRYING HARD!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080114.html
You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, January 15, 2008 [[ELI, SNUG and PETER stand in a circle, each holding a spiral notepad.]] / ELI: So we all INDEPENDENTLY came up with the same idea? / SNUG: Guess so! / ELI: Hey, how do I know you guys just didn't copy me after I told you MY idea! / SNUG: Because I told you MY idea first, dummy! Besides, you NEVER would have thought of it at all if it weren't for OUR help! / PETER (holding a bus schedule): Race you to the patent office! / PETER: HEY! Did you just EAT my bus schedule? / ELI (yes, he has): FEE YOU NATER, THUCKAS!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20080115.html
 

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