You're browsing the archives of Ugly Hill.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, January 16, 2008 | [ELI, now wearing his jacket and wool cap, is frantically running to the patent office.]
/ ELI: Must...reach...patent office...first...to validate...existence... / [He's made it into the office.]
/ ELI: HA! Now to patent my brilliant invention, THUS CEMENTING MY PLACE IN HISTORY! / PATENT CLERK: Good morning. What idea would you like to patent toda--
/ ELI: A PILLOW THAT ALWAYS STAYS COOL ON BOTH SIDES! / PATENT CLERK: That product already exists.
/ ELI: 75 cents and a bent paper-clip says it doesn't. / {{The patent clerk is an UGLY HILL version of a character from PATENT PENDING by Jon Rosenberg of GOATS.}}
/ {{And that product DOES already exist. It's called the "Chillow."}} http://uglyhill.com/d/20080116.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, January 17, 2008 | [[Back from the patent office, ELI is dejectedly hanging around with SNUG and PETER.]]
/ ELI: Maybe that motivational poster was wrong and there ARE no great ideas inside me.
/ SNUG: But a pillow that stays cool on both sides IS a great idea! Somebody else just thought of it first. / PETER: Oh come ON! Eli could spend his WHOLE LIFE thinking up ideas that already exist without getting ANYWHERE! If he wants to be successful, I think we all know what he needs to do. / SNUG: Well, he COULD kill the patent clerk, but we don't even know where he lives.
/ ELI (perking up): You can find anything on the Internet!
/ PETER: FINISH HIGH SCHOOL! YOU NEED TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080117.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, January 18, 2008 | [[ELI runs after SNUG, holding a piece of paper. He passes a poster showing a smiling cyclops kid with the caption "Have you seen me?"]]
/ ELI: I signed up for night school! Turns out I only need a few classes to graduate.
/ SNUG: There are MILLIONS of high school graduates in this country who are spectacular failures. What makes you think YOU'LL be any different? / ELI: I've got a better chance of making my mark in this world WITH a diploma than WITHOUT.
/ SNUG: You could just sit up in a clock tower with a sniper rifle and start shooting if you want to be remembered. / ELI: Well, I guess I could...HEY! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO TRICK ME INTO MURDERING PEOPLE?
/ SNUG: You're not the only one with goals. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080118.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, January 21, 2008 | [[HASTINGS is eating a sandwich. STEVENS reaches into the shot with a card in his claw.]]
/ STEVENS (offpanel): Here's the number you wanted for the adoption agency my wife and I used, Mr. Kilgore. / STEVENS: So, shootin' blanks, huh? I know how THAT is. / HASTINGS: Excuse me, but that is NOT the case. My reproductive system is in fine working order. My wife's, however, I imagine to resemble the dust bowls of the great depression. / HASTINGS: It would be more ACCURATE to say that I am firing LIVE ammunition into the long-dead body of a decaying corpse. / STEVENS: Can I have that number back?
/ HASTINGS: No. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080121.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, January 22, 2008 | [[A light snow is falling as HASTINGS returns home. NORA is bundled up in a down-filled jacket, wool cap, scarf, mittens and earmuffs. HASTINGS wears a down-filled vest he hasn't even bothered to zip up.]]
/ NORA: Did they let you out early, too?
/ HASTINGS: More like FORCED me out. I can't believe they cancelled work over this! It's BARELY SNOWING! / NORA (now holding a snow shovel): Well, it's supposed to get really bad around rush hour. They're saying at least a foot by midnight. / HASTINGS: FEH. By the way, I got the number for that adoption agency from Stevens today.
/ NORA: Oh, good! I'm SO glad we're doing this. There are so many children out there who need good homes. / HASTINGS: We're still asking if they provide genetic background screens, right?
/ NORA: Of course. I ain't raisin' no one-eyed grand babies. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080122.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, January 23, 2008 | [[NORA shovels (a lot more snow has fallen since the previous strip) as HASTINGS, well...]]
/ NORA: Is there a reason I'm doing all the work and you're staring wistfully into the distance?
/ HASTINGS: All this snow reminds me of Mother. / HASTINGS: I'd normally shovel HER driveway too, but since she disowned me and destroyed my relationship with my grandfather, things haven't been the same. / HASTINGS (tearing up a little): I miss her...like the deserts miss the rain.
/ NORA: Creepy. Can you scale it back a little? / HASTINGS: Why is everyone arguing with me about analogies today? I will NOT scale it back; MY UNSETTLING COMPARISON STANDS! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080123.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, January 24, 2008 | [[NORA and HASTINGS are back indoors now with nice hot cups of cocoa.]]
/ NORA: If you want to patch things up with your mother, just go over there and shovel her driveway. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.
/ HASTINGS (red-eyed, slamming table with his fist): Why should I? She's the selfish, manipulative one! She should shovel MY driveway! / NORA: If you miss her as much as you say, maybe you just have to be the bigger person. < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080124.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, January 25, 2008 | [[HASTINGS and NORA walk toward MOTHER KILGORE'S house.]]
/ HASTINGS: You didn't have to come with me.
/ NORA: I'm here for moral support. Plus I wanted to see the house you grew up in. / [[They've brought snow shovels.]]
/ NORA: You must have a lot of memories here.
/ HASTINGS: Oh yes. In some ways, this house is one of the only remaining links to my precious youth. Well, we'd better start shoveling. / [[HASTINGS' shovel hits something solid.]]
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080125.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, January 28, 2008 | [[HASTINGS is trembling from shock.]]
/ NORA: CALM DOWN, Hastings! What's the matter?
/ HASTINGS: I just uncovered a "FOR SALE" sign under a snowdrift! Mother is SELLING the house I grew up in! / NORA: You said she got screwed out of your grandfather's inheritance. Maybe she needs the money.
/ HASTINGS (red-eyed): I DON'T CARE! When she answers this door, I'm going to RIP INTO HER LIKE A WALRUS ON A FISH STICK!
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080128.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, January 29, 2008 | [[HASTINGS is on his knees, beseeching his mother.]]
/ HASTINGS: MOTHER, SAY IT'S NOT TRUE! SAY YOU'RE NOT SELLING THE HOUSE!
/ MOTHER KILGORE: But then I'd be drunk AND lying. I'm selling the house, Hastings. I need the money. / MOTHER: Since I was a girl I dreamed of the day my father would die and leave me all his money. But he didn't, and now I'm screwed. If I don't sell this house, I'll just lose it and end up on the street. / HASTINGS: I'm sorry, Mother. I had no idea you were in such financial straits. / [[She hands over a box from offpanel.]]
/ MOTHER: I'm also looking to unload these family photos, so you'd better go through them now and pick out what you want.
/ Five bucks each. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080129.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, January 30, 2008 | NORA: Hastings came over here to make peace, Mrs. Kilgore. I'm sorry he's so upset about you selling your house.
/ MOTHER KILGORE: PLEASE, call me Vivian. So you and my son are planning a family, I hear? / NORA: Yes! It's very expensive. We're just starting the adoption process and trying to scrape together the money now. / MOTHER: I see. Would you excuse me? / [[MOTHER KILGORE goes to HASTINGS.]]
/ MOTHER: Lend me $10,000 and I won't sell the house.
/ HASTINGS (checkbook and pen already out): Should I make it out to "cash," or simply "DEAREST LIFEGIVER?" http://uglyhill.com/d/20080130.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, January 31, 2008 | [[HASTINGS hands his mother a check.]]
/ HASTINGS (offpanel): Here you are, Mother. And don't worry about paying us back, we're glad to help. / NORA (to HASTINGS): Can I SEE you for a minute, please?
/ HASTINGS: Okay, but hurry up. I have to transfer all the money from our savings to our checking before Mother gets to the bank. / NORA (big manga-style sweat bead): You mean the money we were going to use to ADOPT A NEEDY CHILD?
/ HASTINGS: Honey Bear, this is a time of CRISIS. We simply don't have the resources to address your every WOMANLY URGE. / [[NORA, claws clutching, all in gray except the little red skulls in her eyes.]]
/ NORA: IT WAS YOUR WOMANLY URGE! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080131.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, February 1, 2008 | [[HASTINGS and NORA, back at home.]]
/ HASTINGS: So you'd rather my mother end up on the STREET, then?
/ NORA: NO! I know giving her the money was the right thing to do, but... / HASTINGS: We'll rebuild our savings and look into adoption again in a couple of years, okay? In the meantime... / HASTINGS: I BOUGHT YOU THIS ANIMAL TO TEMPORARILY FILL THE CAVERNOUS VOID IN YOUR HEART!
/ NORA: Oh Hastings, a PUPPY? She's adorable, THANK YOU!
/ {{She really is adorable.}} / HASTINGS: It already pooped on your pillow and ate three coffee mugs. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080201.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 4, 2008 | [[NORA returns to MOTHER KILGORE's (hereafter referred to as VIVIAN, which we found was her first name on 1/30/08) house.]]
/ NORA: Mother Kilgore? It's Nora! Are you home? I just came to shovel your walk again after the fresh snow! / [[NORA is now inside, shovel in hand.]]
/ NORA: I also wanted to apologize. I don't want you to think that I didn't want to help you out of your financial situation. I just wish Hastings would have consulted me before lending you all our... / [[VIVIAN is wearing lots of shiny new jewelry, including a ruby ring she's admiring.]] / NORA: That had better be COSTUME JEWELRY. / [[Closeup of NORA in shades of red.]]
/ NORA: AND A COSTUME PLASMA TV, COSTUME MINI FRIDGE, AND COSTUME FOOSBALL TABLE. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080204.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, February 5, 2008 | [[NORA vents at VIVIAN.]]
/ NORA: You blew all your money on this CRAP?! What happened to your mortgage?
/ VIVIAN: It's none of your DAMN business! / NORA: We gave you our adoption savings because you said you were going to LOSE YOUR HOUSE! / VIVIAN: Better I spend that money on a big screen TV than see it wasted on some non-blood related GRAND-BASTARD I won't even love! / [[NORA clobbers VIVIAN with her snow shovel!!]]
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080205.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, February 6, 2008 | [[VIVIAN is dazed and feeling her bruised cheek.]]
/ NORA (offpanel): Now that I've got your attention, you DECEITFUL OLD HAG, sit back and listen up... / NORA: Your son has bent over backwards to make you happy all his life, but now things are going to be DIFFERENT. You're going to return all this junk, get our money back, and...
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080206.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, February 7, 2008 | ELI: How you holdin' up, Buddy?
/ HASTINGS: I've been TWICE BETRAYED, Eli! How do you THINK I'm doing? / ELI: Twice? Your wife was just sticking up for you!
/ HASTINGS: Eli, she attacked our mother! / ELI: Fine. But Mom tricking you into giving her thousands of dollars she didn't need just to keep you from adopting is okay?
/ HASTINGS: I'm still rationalizing that one, but I took enough algebra to know this: / [[HASTINGS holds a piece of yellow legal paper with a nice little illustrated algebraic equation on it.]]
/ HASTINGS: The solution to any marriage where X = A SHOVEL and Y = MY MOTHER'S FACE is divorce. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080207.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, February 8, 2008 | [[HASTINGS holds a photo of NORA. Everything is gray.]]
/ HASTINGS: She's gone, and I'm alone again...naturally. / HASTINGS (still all gray): SIGH...If only she'd left something to remember her by. A trifle, a trinket, anything so she won't fade from my memory like all the rest. / [[Silent panel of HASTINGS, still all gray.]] / [[Back to color.]]
/ HASTINGS: Oh, son of a *#&%, she left her @&$% dog, didn't she?
/ ELI (holding the dog): I re-named her "Zesty Chipotle!" http://uglyhill.com/d/20080208.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 11, 2008 | [[GRANT'S MOTHER is looking dubiously at the box for a game GRANT wants to buy.]]
/ GRANT'S MOTHER: Are you sure this is what you want to spend your Christmas money on?
/ GRANT: YES! We've been looking forward to this game for months! / GRANT: It's called "BLUDGEON PLANET III: THE BLUDGEONING." You play a convict sentenced to life on a prison planet "Bludgenor 5," and you have to find different blunt objects to... / GRANT'S MOTHER: Is there any S-E-X in it?
/ GRANT: No. / [[GRANT, game in hand, leaves the store, his mother a ways behind.]]
/ GRANT: Oh boy! Now with dynamic blood spouts and REAL-TIME ORGAN FAILURE! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080211.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, February 12, 2008 | [[Phone-conversation panel with GRANT and PETER. GRANT uses a headset so he can game while he talks.]]
/ GRANT: Peter! Guess what violence-based game I purchased today?
/ PETER: You'll have to narrow that down. / [[Same as first panel.]]
/ GRANT: "BLUDGEON PLANET III!" You should see the new bone splinter engine. The detail is...
/ PETER: Hey, can I call you back? I'm on the phone with Pestilence. / [[Now it's just GRANT.]]
/ GRANT: Oh, okay. Please give her my best. / GRANT: SIGH...Well, I guess those murderous convicts aren't going to crush their own skulls with a broken toilet tank.
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080212.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, February 13, 2008 | GRANT: You missed a BREATHTAKING game night, Peter! They're actually divided up the character sprites into sections now, so you can shatter each limb INDIVIDUALLY! It's really quite... / PETER: Oh, hey Pestilence! We're off to the movies, Grant. See you later!
/ [[PETER and PESTILENCE leave.]] / GRANT: ...spectacular. I guess nobody wants to see this screen capture I printed out? ANYONE? / [[MENACING GRAY BULLY appears behind GRANT.]]
/ MENACING GRAY BULLY: Let me look.
/ GRANT (clutching screen capture to his chest): No. It will just give you IDEAS. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080213.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, February 14, 2008 | [[GRANT sits dejectedly on his bed. His MOTHER stands in the doorway, drying a dish.]]
/ GRANT'S MOTHER: What is it, honey? You just started school vacation, you should be happy!
/ GRANT: Peter's too busy with his new girlfriend to spend time with me. / GRANT'S MOTHER (little smile): Oh, I see. So you're upset that YOU don't have a girl friend?
/ GRANT: NO. I'm upset because I don't have anyone to play VIDEO GAMES with!
/ [[There are three posters on GRANT'S wall. One is of a grinning, yellow duck. One is covered by dialogue balloons. One is for PVP, showing a green-skinned, scaly BRENT SIENNA.]] / GRANT'S MOTHER: You do... LIKE girls though, right?
/ GRANT: YES, MOTHER. I'm just extremely awkward and undesirable right now. GOD! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080214.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, February 15, 2008 | GRANT: I'm so BORED. What good is this game if I don't have anyone with whom to share my simulated murders? / [[He sticks his head out the window.]]
/ GRANT: Peter's new girlfriend is taking up all of his time, and I'm stuck here for the whole vacation twiddling my thumbs and smelling the bakery next door. / [[The aroma of baked goods reaches GRANT and he smiles widely.]]
/ GRANT: *SNIFF* MMMMMM / [[GRANT and the BAKER, who is orange with a big red nose and a big black mustache. GRANT has a partially-eaten donut in each hand and a third cradled against his chest.]]
/ BAKER: ANOTHER vanilla creme donut? I think maybe I should call your mother and...
/ GRANT: SHE'S NOT THE BOSS OF WHAT I PUT INSIDE ME! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080215.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 18, 2008 | [[Back home, GRANT is polishing off the last donut when his MOTHER catches him.]]
/ GRANT'S MOTHER: Well, son, you know what today is, don't you?
/ GRANT: MMPH? / GRANT'S MOTHER: It's my birthday, Grant. Didn't you GET me anything?
/ GRANT (thinking): I can't tell Mom I blew all my money binging on PASTRIES! / GRANT'S MOTHER (offpanel): Well, what is it Grant? If you don't tell me where all your money went, I'll have to assume the WORST!
/ GRANT (fidgets nervously): Uhh... / [[GRANT sits under a banner that reads "Narcotics Anonymous 4 KIDZ!", next to a little kid in a sailor suit and blond curls who's licking a big lollipop labeled "HEROIN."]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080218.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, February 19, 2008 | [[GRANT appeals to the worm-headed NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS GUY.]]
/ GRANT: Please sir, I don't belong here!
/ NARC ANON GUY: I've heard 'em all, hop-head. Take a seat. / GREEN STONER: Hey, nerd! What kind of drugs you on? NERD DRUGS?
/ GRANT: Uh, n-no, I'm actually not on drugs at all. Th-this is just a mistake... / SAILOR-SUIT KID: Not on DRUGS?! He thinks he's better than us! GET 'IM! / [[GRANT, beaten to a pulp, tries NARC ANON GUY again.]]
/ GRANT: Can I go to the hospital? That sailor kid beat me with his heroin lollipop.
/ NARC ANON GUY (not even looking at him): Heard it. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080219.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, February 20, 2008 | [[GRANT is now in a hospital bed.]]
/ GRANT: Will I need stitches?
/ CHEERY BLUE DOCTOR: Oh yes! Many hundreds. / GRANT: This is the worst school vacation I've ever had.
/ CHEERY BLUE DOCTOR: Well, don't give up yet, kid. "There's always tomorrow for dreams to come true." / [[CHEERY BLUE DOCTOR checks GRANT'S chart.]] / CHEERY BLUE DOCTOR: Nope, hold on. That's when we're forcing that broken clavicle back into alignment and digging the metal shavings out of your eye! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080220.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, February 21, 2008 | [[GRANT is visited by MIKE and JERRY from Child's Play and "Penny Arcade."]]
/ MIKE: Hey, kid! We represent a charity organization that donates video games to sick kids like you!
/ GRANT: Hi. I'm not really sick, I just got beat up by... / MIKE: SHUT UP, JERK! I'm charityin' here! Just take this advance copy of "BLUDGEON PLANET IV" as our gift to you.
/ GRANT: That isn't even supposed to be out for another YEAR! How did you get it? / JERRY: NEVER QUESTION OUR CONNECTIONS.
/ MIKE: Get well soon, you fat idiot! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080221.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, February 22, 2008 | [[GRANT is playing "Bludgeon Planet IV" and a NURSE sees it. She is horrified.]]
/ NURSE: Oh my GOODNESS! Where did you get this AWFUL game?
/ GRANT: These two weird guys gave it to me...HEY, don't shut it off! / NURSE: We don't allow this kind of material in the children's ward. I'm going to DESTROY this filth to teach you a lesson.
/ [[She sets the disc on fire with a lighter. GRANT leaps out of bed.]] / [[GRANT'S hair is now on fire.]]
/ GRANT: AHHH! MY HAIR! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OOOUUTTTTTTT! / [[MIKE enters with an extinguisher.]]
/ MIKE: FIRE! Don't worry, I'll get it! / [[MIKE sprays the burning disc with the extinguisher as GRANT runs out of the room, the top of his head still on fire.]]
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080222.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, February 25, 2008 | [[Poor GRANT sits in a chair with his burned scalp bandaged as another doctor enters the room.]]
/ ZOIDBERGESQUE DOCTOR: Pack your bags, son. You're getting discharged today!
/ GRANT: Who cares? I might as well just stay in the hospital. / GRANT: So far this week I've been IGNORED by my best friend, I gained thirty pounds, I'm broke, my mother thinks I'm on DRUGS, I got beat up by a HEROIN-CRAZED SHIRLEY TEMPLE LOOKALIKE, and a nurse set me on FIRE! Why should I even BOTHER anymore? / ZOIDBERGESQUE DOCTOR: I don't know, but again, I want you to know that we've SUSPENDED that nurse with pay for the rest of the afternoon.
/ GRANT: Leave me be. I've already signed your precious WAIVER. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080225.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, February 26, 2008 | [[PETER knocks at GRANT'S door.]]
/ PETER: Hey, Grant. Can we come in?
/ GRANT: PETER! Of course you can...Wait, "WE?" / [[PETER enters, with PESTILENCE.]]
/ GRANT (offpanel): Oh, I see. You brought your "Shiela." I might have known. / PESTILENCE: "SHEILA?" How DARE you refer to me using outdated slang terms from the 1800s! What's YOUR problem?
/ GRANT: NOTHING. You know, the Union Army had a saying about women on the battlefield... / GRANT: "When the enemy's great, the laundry can wait."
/ [[PESTILENCE quivers with rage.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080226.html |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 >>