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| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, February 27, 2008 | PETER: I'm sorry you had a bad vacation, but YOU CAN'T TALK TO MY GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT!
/ GRANT: But she's the one who RUINED it! / GRANT: Since you two started dating, you and I haven't hung out at ALL.
/ PETER: I thought you'd understand. Besides, what about all your re-enacting buddies? / GRANT: Oh, they all got tired of the Civil War and started re-enacting REVOLUTIONARY WAR battles.
/ PETER: What's wrong with that? / GRANT (bursts into tears): It's like you don't even KNOW me!
/ [[PETER looks shocked.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080227.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, February 28, 2008 | PETER: I'm sorry you've been feeling ignored, but Pestilence and I are going to be spending a lot of time with each other from now on. / PETER: I'll try to make time for us to hang out, but YOU have to RESPECT our relationship. / GRANT: "TRY TO MAKE TIME?" Don't INSULT me! You act like I'm asking you to clean the litter box!
/ PETER: Look, I...I don't know what else to SAY, man. I think we both know what's going to happen if you force me to choose. / [[GRANT is pinkly delighted, complete with little hearts floating around his head.]]
/ PETER: Guess again. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080228.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, February 29, 2008 | PETER: Why does he have to be such a jerk! WHY CAN'T HE ACCEPT OUR LOVE?!
/ PESTILENCE: He's just lonely. You can't up and ditch him because you have a girlfriend now. / PETER: Well, I...yeah? But I really like you, and I just assumed...
/ PESTILENCE: Go spend time with your friend, Peter. I'll still be here when you get back. / GRANT: Your girlfriend gave you PERMISSION to hang out with me?
/ PETER:I never even thought to ASK! / [[GRANT hugs PETER so hard his eyes bulge.]]
/ GRANT: GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!
/ PETER: HRK!
/ {{I guess you might call that a "man crush." Yes, moan.}} http://uglyhill.com/d/20080229.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 3, 2008 | ELLIOTT: Kilgore, you WASTE! These price sheets are all out of whack! What have you been... / [[ELLIOTT sees that HASTINGS is fast asleep at his desk.]]
/ ELLIOTT: What the...ASLEEP ON THE JOB!? / ELLIOTT: This is UNPRECEDENTED! How can I take full advantage of this exceedingly rare golden opportunity? / ELLIOTT: WAKE UP AND FIX THESE PRICE SHEETS, STUPID!
/ HASTINGS (snaps awake with desk clutter stuck to his face): BLEAUGH! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080303.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, March 4, 2008 | [[ELLIOTT brings a soda to the drowsy HASTINGS.]]
/ ELLIOTT: What's your damage, Kilgore? Sleeping at work? I didn't even think you slept at HOME. / HASTINGS: I've just been so TIRED these last few weeks. All I want to do is sleep.
/ ELLIOTT: Sounds like depression. Or lupus. / HASTINGS: Well, I am currently going through my 8th divorce, my own mother recently bled my bank account dry under false pretenses, and I'm pretty sure every decision I've ever made has been leading up to an inevitable gruesome death by my own hand. / ELLIOTT: Textbook lupus.
/ [[HASTINGS has found a pube on his soda can.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080304.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, March 5, 2008 | PETER: You don't have lupus, Mr. Kilgore; You're DEPRESSED. You need to talk to someone about your problems.
/ HASTINGS: NO! I'm... I'm just IN A RUT, that's all. All I need is to keep busy, that's all... That's all. / PETER: You're saying "that's all" a lot.
/ HASTINGS (wavering): I'M JUST TIRED, THAT'S ALL! All I need... All I need is some COFFEE, that's all. That's all I need. / PETER: We're out.
/ HASTINGS (meltdown!): AND YET MY MUG OVERFLOWS WITH THE BITTER JUICES OF THE AGONY BEAN! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080305.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 6, 2008 | PETER: Mr. Kilgore, I overheard some of the bosses talking yesterday, and they've noticed you sleeping at your desk.
/ HASTINGS: Zhuh? ZZZZZ... / PETER:They realize you're going through a tough time right now, but if you don't snap out of this soon, they've got a whole slew of interviews lined up with younger, smarter people eager to replace you. / HASTINGS (big snore): < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080306.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 7, 2008 | HASTINGS: So you say they're making their decision soon?
/ PETER: This week. If you don't stop falling asleep at work, they're going to replace you. / HASTINGS: But how do I FIX it? I sleep because I'm depressed about my divorce, but the more I sleep, THE WORSE I FEEL. / PETER: Maybe Nora would be willing to go to couple's therapy.
/ HASTINGS: You're right! It's time to suck it up and DO something about this! / [[HASTINGS stands at a table with a sign-up sheet.]]
/ SIGN 1: Experimental Prescription Drug Trial: NOSLEEPITOL (TM) "With NOSLEEPITOL (TM)", You'll Never Have To Sleep Again!"
/ SIGN 2: Sign Up Here! (Please Provide Emergency Contact and Next of Kin) http://uglyhill.com/d/20080307.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 10, 2008 | ELLIOTT: Bright eyed and bushy-tailed today, Kilgore?
/ HASTINGS: I've solved my problem, Elliott. I won't be falling asleep at my desk any more.
/ [[HASTINGS pops a blue pill.]] / ELLIOTT: Let me see that... NOSLEEPITOL(tm)? You're on DRUGS!? / HASTINGS: I'm not "ON DRUGS." I'm taking a PRESCRIPTION medication to treat a LEGITIMATE MEDICAL CONDITION. / ELLIOTT: This says it's prescribed to a lab rat named "Peaches."
/ HASTINGS: His eyes collapsed in an unrelated incident. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080310.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, March 11, 2008 | HASTINGS: Now, you say this new drug will completely ELIMINATE the need for sleep?
/ UNICORN MUSTACHE DOCTOR: That is the idea! We feel it will increase American productivity TENFOLD! / HASTINGS: Excellent, excellent. And what if one is suffering from an EXCESS of sleep due to depression?
/ U.M. DOC: Nosleepitol(tm) not only negates the body's need for sleep, it also contains a powerful stimulant to keep you awake at ALL COSTS! / HASTINGS: Uh huh. And what do you mean by "AT ALL COSTS?"
/ U.M. DOC: We'll see! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080311.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, March 12, 2008 | [[HASTINGS is unsettlingly perky.]]
/ HASTINGS: Hey...Hey Eli. Guess how many days I've been awake? Three!
/ ELI: I heard. / HASTINGS: And I'm not tired at all! Every moment I'm awake feels like I just got up from a 12 hour nap. I'm consistently refreshed!
/ ELI: Your body is functioning, but what about your mind? / ELI: We've had this conversation four times today.
/ [[HASTINGS is now talking to a picture he's taken off the wall.]]
/ HASTINGS: Hey Eli. Guess how many gays I've been a lake? TREE! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080312.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 13, 2008 | [[HASTINGS works furiously, with mounds of paper behind him, while ELI looks on, worried. HASTINGS is writing, over and over and over, "All work and no sleep makes Hastings emulate iconic scenes from 30 year old horror movies."]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080313.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 14, 2008 | [[A disturbingly-cheerful HASTINGS is at work.]]
/ HASTINGS: Workworkworkworkworkwork...
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080314.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 17, 2008 | [[HASTINGS sits in an armchair. He looks like hell, with huge bags under his eyes. Even his collar and tie look distressed.]]
/ CAPTION: 4:00 AM
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080317.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Tuesday, March 18, 2008 | NORA: Hastings, are you in there? I haven't even done my hair for work yet. Why did you want to meet so EARLY? / [[HASTINGS, in his Nosleepitol(tm)-addled state, sees...]]
/ "OCYCLOPS BIN LADEN": DEATH TO AMERICA! DEATH TO THE INFIDELS! / HASTINGS: Okay, calm down Hastings. The most wanted man in the world in standing in your hallway. WHAT DO YOU DO?! / [[HASTINGS spots the snow shovel leaning near the door.]] / [[He opens the door and clobbers NORA with the shovel!]]
/ HASTINGS: TAKE THAT, YOU BEARDED SNAKE!
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080318.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Wednesday, March 19, 2008 | [[HASTINGS has been arrested! At the police station, he's being questioned.]]
/ COP: So your wife says you invited her over to talk, then opened the door and HIT HER WITH A SHOVEL? / HASTINGS: But I thought she was a TERRORIST! Listen, Officer, I'm on drugs...
/ COP: Spousal abuse AND drugs?! Well, isn't THIS an interesting wrinkle? / HASTINGS: No no...I'm taking an experimental drug to keep me from sleeping. I think it may be causing me to hallucinate. / COP: Pfft...right.
/ [[HASTINGS suddenly sees the COP as a giant, seven-eyed, four-armed snake.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080319.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Thursday, March 20, 2008 | [[NORA is talking to DETECTIVE STEWART. NORA has an icepack on her head and a bruise on her cheek. STEWART'S mug says "I (heart) bacon."]]
/ NORA: I don't get it. I was coming over to apologize, and then he goes and does THIS?
/ STEWART: Your husband is blaming the assault on a drug addiction, Ma'am. / NORA: My God, REALLY? He must have been more affected by our separation than I thought...
/ STEWART: Do you wish to press charges?
/ [[The mug now says "I (heart) broads."]] / NORA (offpanel): I don't know. Can I see him?
/ STEWART: Better wait until we flush the dope out of his system and he gets some sleep...
/ [[The mug now says "I (heart) booze."]] / STEWART (offpanel): ...He's a little...WEIRD right now.
/ [[HASTINGS is clutching the bars of his jail cell, drooling and weeping.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080320.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Friday, March 21, 2008 | [[HASTINGS is still hallucinating.]]
/ JAIL CELL WALL: Why don't you take a nice lean up against me, cowboy?
/ HASTINGS: SILENCE, WALL! My mind...clouded by these visions...can't think straight... / VANDERBEAM {{from Kris Straub's "Starslip Crisis"}: Could you direct me to the nearest art museum?
/ HASTINGS: GROTESQUE HALLUCINATION! Where are your EARS?! MADNESS! / VOICE (offpanel): Snap out of it, Hastings! We need to talk.
/ HASTINGS: OH GOD! WHAT FRESH, HELLISH MIRAGE IS THIS?! / KARL KILGORE: I'm not a mirage. I'm your father.
/ HASTINGS: I know! But if I pretend you're not real, I don't have to talk to you! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080321.html |
| You Are Reading the Ugly Hill Comic from Monday, March 24, 2008 | HASTINGS: You're here for ATTEMPTED MURDER. Why would they put you in a temporary holding cell?
/ KARL: I'm getting a re-trial! / KARL: My lawyer is challenging the results of the last trial because the judge was recently committed for forcibly rubbing sausage on Swedish tourists in his basement! Isn't that GREAT?
/ HASTINGS: Lucky you. / KARL: I know about your problems, and I think I can help.
/ HASTINGS: How do YOU know about my problems? / KARL: Ten minutes ago you thought the toilet was a psychiatrist and told it the whole story.
/ HASTINGS: He ASSURED me that pungent odor was his DISCOUNT COLOGNE! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080324.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | KARL: You broke up with this girl just because she stood up to your mother?
/ HASTINGS: She did more than just "STAND UP" to her, Dad! / KARL: I don't care if she hit her with two shovels and a tire iron, she saw someone taking advantage of you and took action. That says a lot. / HASTINGS: That she has troubling anger issues and solves problems with violence?
/ KARL: That she CARES ABOUT YOU. Some of us would kill for a wife like that! / HASTINGS: Mother uppercut Grandma Kilgore more times than I can count.
/ KARL: But it was never for LOVE. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080325.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | HASTINGS: I hate to say it, but perhaps I was too hard on Nora.
/ KARL: I'm sure you kids can work it out. / HASTINGS: I think she wanted to reconcile...but now I'm afraid that my foolishness has ruined my chances with her.
/ KARL: It's never too late for love, son. / KARL: Unless you're so emotionally scarred that you're behind bars for trying to murder your ex-wife with a meat cleaver.
/ HASTINGS: Yes. You're a horrible man and you'll be alone forever. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080326.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[NORA sits on a bench with a cup of coffee.]]
/ OFFPANEL VOICE: Hey lady, that's my seat.
/ NORA: What? Oh! I'm sorry, I've just got a lot on my mind. / [[We see a tentacle holding a cup of coffee in the foreground.]]
/ OFFPANEL VOICE: I'm a good listener, if you want to talk about it. < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080327.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | COP: Good news, Kilgore. Your wife decided not to press charges.
/ HASTINGS (Elated): Yes! She does still love me! / COP: Well now, I don't know about all that. She left here with some guy to get coffee.
/ HASTINGS: What? What did he look like? / COP: Tall, red hair, teeth like a mutated beaver?
/ HASTINGS: NOO! / [[ELLIOTT and NORA are having coffee. We can see the jailhouse on the hill outside the window, and they can hear...]]
/ HASTINGS (far away): nnnnoooooo... http://uglyhill.com/d/20080328.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | {{Guest strip by Erick Milliken}}
/ [[Spectacular impressionist painting of HASTINGS bellowing.]]
/ CAPTION: My friend Hastings had a great-great-grandfather who was the inventor of scientific RACISM! / He spent 70 years trying to prove that people with two eyes are genetically superior to people with only one. / His most brilliant experiment came on May 2, 1863, when he surgically implanted a third eye onto his own forearm. / He died within an hour. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080331.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | {{Guest strip by Joel Watson}}
/ HASTINGS: I can't wait for this wedding. We haven't seen Emily since high school.
/ ELI: I had the biggest crush on her. I don't want her to know that I'm...uh...self employed. / HASTINGS: She doesn't know what you do. You can be anyone you want.
/ ELI: I can reinvent my image! / [[At the wedding, EMILY's father walks her down the aisle as ELI and HASTINGS watch. HASTINGS wears a nice suit. ELI wears a spacesuit with a mortarboard perched atop the helmet. He's wearing a gold medal around his neck and holding an Academy Award.]]
/ ELI: Is the Oscar too much? I hope I'm not stealing her thunder.
/ HASTINGS: No, no. It's subtle. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080401.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | {{Guest strip: "Write-in Campaign" by Andrew Borno}}
/ [[ELI is hung over. A Christmas wreath is on the wall behind him.]] / SNUG: Ooh...my head! These holiday parties aren't worth their weight in hangovers...
/ ELI: You get home alright? / ELI: Beats me. I woke up in a shopping cart on the roof of my house.
/ ELI: Heh, I'm not surprised. You left pretty wasted! / SNUG: Yeah...Well would about YOU, Saint Kilgore?
/ ELI: Er, well I--found my way...-back. / ELI: --eventually.
/ HASTINGS: Actually, he broke into the television station and URINATED all over the yule log. / ELI: At least the FCC decided not t--
/ [[Notices debris on SNUG's back.]] Hey, what's that?
/ SNUG: A letter? 'Mailman probably broke my two-story plunge to the ground. Open it.
/ HASTINGS: Why is he still here? / ELI: It's from the city...
/ SNUG: Another summons, right? Useless HOA and their frivolous lawn-related policies... / [[ELI's eyes widen as he reads the letter.]]
/ SNUG (offpanel): ...What? / ELI: You're the new mayor of Ugly Hill.
/ [[SNUG is startled. HASTINGS already has his bags packed.]]
/ HASTINGS: Alright then...
/ Where's my passport? / ELI: You've won the popular vote by a landslide write-in!
/ SNUG: Uh--HOW exactly??? / ELI (offpanel): Wait--where did you wander off last night?
/ SNUG: Aw, man. It's all so hazy...some other party... / [[Flashback: SNUG is at a polling place, covered with "I Voted" stickers with a lampshade on his head.]]
/ SNUG: WHO ELSE WANTS THEIR CHEST SIGNED?!
/ POLLWORKER #1: This doesn't seem very...legal.
/ POLLWORKER #2: He's the only voter we've had all day! Quotas, dear...Quotas!
/ POLLWORKER #3: THROW MORE STICKERS AT 'EM! / PETER: So I heard the news that...
/ ELI (interrupting): ...Snug is mayor, we know--we're on our way to City Hall to clear all this up.
/ PETER: Wha--No, that's not what I...
/ SNUG (offpanel): Wait, STOP! / SNUG: I've been thinking...
/ Do you realize the opportunity that's been handed to me? Think about it...
/ Just IMAGINE--
/ Salt-free roads after a snowfall!
/ TWO diplomas for every drop-out!
/ C-SPAN that doesn't blow!
/ My influence will take Ugly Hill today... / SNUG: Tomorrow--THE WORLD!
/ [[PETER looks worried.]] / [[SNUG looks at a computer screen.]]
/ SNUG: IMPEACHED?!
/ ON WHAT GROUNDS?! / PETER: Ballot stuffing.
/ You also have an outstanding warrant for your felony arrest. / ELI: Hey, at least you're free from ever facing the ah--difficult stresses of city-level politics...
/ SNUG: I'M GOING TO JAIL! / ELI: Well, uh-- / [[HASTINGS is back.]]
/ ELI: HASTINGS! You haven't left the country?
/ HASTINGS (red-eyed): You spent all my emergency escape funds last night on liquor and Starburst!
/ [[SNUG bangs his head against the wall.]]
/ PETER: Well, maybe now the mayoral position will go to a qualified candidate, rightfully voted on by the populace... / [[A familiar figure reads a letter from the Ugly Hill City Hall.]]
/ LETTER: Attn: M. Mouse
/ Congratulations M. Mouse, on your successful write-in campaign for mayor of Ugly Hill... http://uglyhill.com/d/20080402.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | {{Guest strip by Ray Merkler.}}
/ [[PETER kneels before his sensei, presenting a large carrot.]] / [[A band of monsters prepares to charge, brandishing racks of ribs, large salamis, a steak on the end of a stick and what appears to be a gyro log on a chain.]] / [[Inset, PETER scowls at them.]] / [[Holding his carrot over his head, PETER issues the call to charge. Behind him is another band of monsters, brandishing fruits and vegetables.]] / [[The battle is underway. PETER swings the carrot, gritting his teeth in grim determination.]] / [[A white dove flies across a split panel like in a John Woo film.]] / [[PETER and some of his compatriots, victorious, raise some kind of giant veggie, evoking the Iwo Jima flag-raising photo.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080403.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | {{Guest strip by Lar DeSouza. It takes place immediately after the "2 Monsters and a Smaller Monster" storyline.}}
/ HASTINGS: We'll have to go shopping to replace the furniture my brother ruined.
/ And be "we," I mean "you."
/ NORA: I know just the place! / NORA (pouring gasoline on a pile of ruined furniture): It just opened last week, and I think they're still having a sale.
/ You probably got a flyer in the mail. / HASTINGS: You mean this?
/ [[HASTINGS holds up a vomit-soaked piece of paper. NORA has lit the pile of debris.]]
/ NORA: Yes! That's it! / [[We see the flyer.]]
/ NORA: With prices this low, what could possibly go wrong?
/ [[The flyer reads "CTHULU BROS. FURNITURE / Swedish for madness!"]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080404.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | {{Unsigned guest strip.}}
/ ELI: I'm kinda surprised Chuck invited us to his wedding. I haven't seen him since graduation.
/ HASTINGS: I haven't seen him since that one last "atomic wedgie" for the road.
/ {{How does one give a wedgie to a victim who doesn't wear pants?}} / ELI: I guess he sorta picked on you a lot on school, huh?
/ HASTINGS (red eyes, vein popping): If by "picked on" you mean, "sadistically tormented into a life of severe, lifelong emotional damage that ten years and $25,000 of therapy hasn't touched," then...yes. / ELI: Actually, there are a LOT of monsters here I haven't seen since high school. I wonder if we're all in the same boat?
/ HASTINGS: He's probably just trying to make sure he gets every single stinkin' gift on the registry, the greedy chum-for-brains. / [[ELI and HASTINGS regard the mountain of wedding gifts.]]
/ ELI: Apparently. How many blenders does one guy need, anyway? I hope he likes the one I got him.
/ HASTINGS: I did NOT purchase Chuck a blender. / HASTINGS: In fact, my gift is from the heart. I made it myself in an attempt to express to Chuck exactly what he has always meant to me.
/ ELI: Ha! You? Into arts and crafts? Is that what you've been doing in the garage all week? And I thought-- / [[A horrifying smile appears on HASTINGS' face and his eyes glow red again. ELI turns gray as he understands.]]
/ ELI: * / [[ELI breaks HASTINGS' heart.]]
/ ELI: I'm calling the bomb squad. / [[Foiled again!]]
/ HASTINGS: TREACHERY! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080405.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | {{Guest strip by Joshua Jericho.}}
/ PETER: Hey guys! Ready to see FINAL DEATH DREAM 3?!
/ SNUG: HECK YES!!
/ ELI: "Even more Final than 2"! / PESTILENCE (offpanel): PETER! / PESTILENCE (all in shades of pink and surrounded by floating hearts): Sorry I'm late. Hey guys!...Hey? / PESTILENCE: Hellooo? Um..is he okay?
/ PETER: ELI?
/ (ELI is staring at PESTILENCE as if hypnotized.)
/ SNUG: Oh! I know that look. Someone must've opened a box of Crusty Creams! / {{The theme of this guest week was "Unused UGLY HILL story ideas." This one was "Eli is attracted to Peter's underage girlfriend."}} http://uglyhill.com/d/20080406.html |
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