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Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[ELI is reading a book titled "Advanced Algebra."]] / [[ELI is now reading a book titled "Beginner's Algebra" and looking a little more determined.]] / [[Now it's "Basic Math" and he's frustrated and sweating.]] / [[Now it's "How to Kill Yourself" and he's shedding a tear.]] / [[Finally, it's "Suicide for Dummies" and he's angrier and more frustrated than ever.]]
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[ELI is still frustrated.]] / ELI: GRAGH! Algebra! Why did I ever think I could do this?! / SNUG (cheerfully): Why don't you quit? Quitting is always easy. / ELI: I need this class to get my GED. I just...I thought it would be easier as an adult. / SNUG: What skills have you mastered in the last 13 years that would make you better prepared? / SNUG: Maybe you should have taken a weight-gaining class. / ELI: ALL RIGHT.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth ELI: I don't know. I really just think I should quit. / [[Scratches his bum.]] / <> / TEACHER: We've only had one class! You can't drop out yet. / ELI: I don't have a head for math, and I really think this whole night school thing was a mistake. / TEACHER: Nonsense! We'll just pair you up with one of the more advanced students. / [[ELI is sent to WILL TOOBER, a little orange kid wearing a flowered shirt and a baseball cap.]] / ELI: You're one of the advanced students? / WILL: I rode my bike here!
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth ELI: You can't be more than ten years old! What are you doing in an ADULT night class? / WILL TOOBER: Earning extra credit by helping the remedial students. / WILL: If I intend to graduate this year, I need all the help I can get. / ELI: GRADUATE?! You're in HIGH SCHOOL?! / WILL: Not for long! / ELI: Hey would your mom notice if you came home with a black eye? / WILL: Probably not. She's used to it.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth ELI: Hey, you know this kid Will Toober? He goes to your high school. / PETER: "TOOBER THE GOOBER?" I hate that little know-it-all. How do you know him? / ELI: He's in my night class earning extra credit. Seems nice enough. / PETER: You just met him. He blurts out answers before the teacher can ask the question! / PETER: And he never takes off that hat! SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO RIP IT OFF HIS STUPID GENIUS HEAD AND SHOVE IT DOWN HIS THROAT! / ELI: He wouldn't let me cheat off him either. / PETER: All he had to do...was MOVE...his ARM!
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth {{Guest strip by Brian Denham.}} / [[It's VIVIAN KILGORE's birthday. Cake, confetti, big "Happy Birthday, Mother" banner.]] / VIVIAN: Enough with the singing, already! You guys sound like a moose with buckshot in its trachea. / I got it: Happy Birthday. Whatever! Get a move on! I'm missing my stories! / HASTINGS: Mother, I asked this starving artist, slash, future homeless person, to paint your portrait on canvas, so to adorn our wall and brighten our mantle with the soft warm glow of your radiant skin... / [[Pull back to show HASTINGS and PETER in front of a huge package wrapped with a big bow.]] / {{HASTINGS is wearing a SHIRT!!}} / HASTINGS: Do you remember last week when we went to get that boil lanced? Well... / [[PETER starts tearing off the paper.]] / <> / PETER: I snuck into your closet and found an old photo album. / You had an awesome picture of you before you were married! / So here it is... / [[It's a full-figure nude of a young VIVIAN, recognizable only by her tail, hair and skin color. A "CENSORED!" bar covers part of her chest.]] / {{It is the single hottest image ever to appear in "Ugly Hill"}} / PETER: TA DAA! / HASTINGS: MOMMY NAKEY! AAARRGGGGHHH / VIVIAN: Mommy's wittle nibbler never compwained when he wuth thucking on a sugar teat!
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth {{Guest strip by Rosscott.}} / [[PETER is writing a letter.]] / PETER: Dear Eli, / Greetings from China! This whole business trip thing has been pretty interesting... / [[HASTINGS and PETER on the plane. HASTINGS is happily perusing a Racist-to-Chinese Dictionary while PETER listens grumpily to his iPod.]] / PETER: Hastings enjoyed the trip way more than me. / PETER: They sent us so Hastings could give a motivational speech at the branch office. / [[HASTINGS is screaming at a terrified employee.]] / PETER: Oh, can you tell Pestilence I'm trying to get what she asked for, but skulls are hard to come by? / [[HASTINGS stands in a doorway in the background.]] / HASTINGS: Clearly you need more enemies.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth WILL TOOBER: So the solution X in this equation is 6. Got it? / ELI: If you're in class day and night, when do you study? / WILL: I don't have to study. I've got all the answers up here. / ELI: SIGH...all right, so X=6. How do you get that? / WILL (nervous): Well, you um...First you uh...add the...ER... / WILL: You just DO it. / ELI: Tutoring is a lot like a sneaker commercial.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[ELI and HASTINGS are returning from the grocery store.]] / ELI: It's HUMILIATING! Nobody else in class needs a 10 year old tutor! / HASTINGS: They're probably just not as stupid as you. / ELI: And I don't even think the kid even knows how to do the WORK! He just knows the answers. / HASTINGS: He must be cheating. / ELI: He did say he kept all the answers "up here." MAYBE HE'S HIDING A CHEAT SHEET UNDER HIS HAT! / HASTINGS: And maybe YOU'RE not as dumb as I just said you were. / ELI: Stop, I'm blushing.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[ELI lies in wait as WILL TOOBER enters.]] / ELI: There he is. He must be keeping a cheat sheet under that hat. Now just act sudden movements... / WILL (offpanel): Hi, Eli! Did you study for the... / [[ELI grabs WILL'S hat.]] / ELI: AHA! / ELI: LOOK everybody! UNDER HIS HAT! He's got a cheat... / ELI: ...hamster. / [[WILL does indeed have a hamster perched on top of his head. And a deer-in-the-headlights look on his face.]]
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth ELI: Geez, I'm sorry, Will. I thought for sure you were hiding a cheat sheet under your hat. / WILL: PLEASE DON'T TELL MY MOM! / [[Closeup of the hamster on WILL'S head.]] / ELI: There's no rule against bringing a rodent to class, dude. / WILL: There is if you're using it to cheat. / ELI: Your HAMSTER is giving you the answers? / WILL: Don't be stupid... / WILL: Mr. Fluffybottom is merely a conduit for the Almighty God. / ELI: Ohhhh / [[ELI'S wide-eyed expression could mean either "Ohhhh, NOW I get it" or "Ohhhh, this kid's nuts."]]
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth ELI: God...speaks to you through your pet hamster...and helps you with your algebra? / WILL: And history, French...God is really smart! / ELI: Can...can I hold him? / WILL: Sure! / [[WILL hands the hamster to ELI. The hamster looks a little worried.]] / [[ELI holds the hamster with both hands.]] / ELI: God just pooped in my hand. / WILL: HA! You got smote.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth ELI: What do you mean "so what?!" The kid thinks God is talking to him through his HAMSTER! / TEACHER: It is a little strange, but Will Toober is a child prodigy, and geniuses are often quite eccentric. / ELI: But he doesn't even know how to do the work! "GOD" IS JUST FEEDING HIM THE ANSWERS! / TEACHER: It's more likely that this "voice" he's hearing is merely a child's way of comprehending his own vast intelligence. / ELI: What about this tiny robe and sandals? / [[Which ELI is holding.]] / TEACHER (delighted): Smart AND creative? A DOUBLE THREAT!
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth ELI: Hey Will, can I hold Mr. Fluffy Bottom for a second? I need to, uh...cuddle. / WILL: Sure! I'll just need him back before the quiz st-- / [[ELI grabs the hamster and runs out of the building.]] / ELI: Ha! He'll never pass that quiz without you! Now to hide you in a place where no one will ever, ever find you! / [[ELI drops the hamster and, well...]] / <> / KID WITH BIG GREEN NOSE: Hey look, I found one! / GREEN KID WITH ONE HORN: I'll cross "hamster with a squashed head" off the list. This is the funnest scavenger hunt ever! / [[In the background, ELI looks stunned.]]
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[ELI is panicking as he looks down at the pulped hamster. WILL runs up behind him.]] / ELI: Oh! OH NO! / WILL: Hey, what's going on? Where are you taking... / WILL: NO! NOOOO! WHAT DID YOU DO?! / ELI: I'm so SORRY! I just thought if you didn't have Mr. Fluffy Bottom to feed you the answers to the quiz... / WILL: So you STEPPED ON HIS HEAD?! / ELI: I was just gonna hide him in a sewer or something until you were exposed as a fraudulent lunatic! / WILL (tearfully): How will you wear your tiny halo now, my sweet prince? / [[WILL does indeed hold a tiny halo in his hand.]]
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth WILL: Now my hamster is dead and I'll NEVER GRADUATE! / ELI: Man, I feel bad. I wanted you exposed as a loon, but not like THIS. / WILL: So make it up to me. Help me actually learn this stuff so I can pass! / ELI: But I don't know anything! Can't you just ask God for more help? / WILL: God is dead. YOU KILLED HIM. / ELI: I only killed the MESSENGER! Can't we go buy a MAGIC FERRET or something?
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[WILL is getting ready for bed.]] / WILL: Good study session with Eli tonight. He's really starting to grasp the material. / VOICE OF GOD (offpanel): As we planned. And you? / WILL: Everyone thinks I'm a religious nut now and my hamster is dead. / VOICE OF GOD: We all sacrifice for the cause, William. / WILL: Yeah? I don't see you giving anything up. / [[The VOICE OF GOD is coming from WILL'S flowered shirt, hanging on a hook on the back of his door.]] / VOICE OF GOD: Like fun I haven't! You've been so distracted the last few weeks you've stopped using that fabric softener I like. / [[WILL rolls his eyes.]]
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[HASTINGS holds the dog, ZESTY CHIPOTLE. ELI stands in the background, near a puddle of dog urine.]] / ELI: What are you doing with the dog? You hate the dog. GIVE ME THE DOG. / HASTINGS: If this animal is to live here, she must be TRAINED. / ELI: Zesty can't do her widdles outside! Her footsies get all frosty! / HASTINGS: No dog of mine shall be named after a POTATO CHIP FLAVORING. Her name is "Nora." / ELI: You named her after your wife? The one that ran off with your worst enemy? / HASTINGS: Yes, but this Nora loves me unconditionally... / [[HASTINGS is preparing to put a collar and leash on the dog.]] / HASTINGS: ...AND ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE ANYTIME SOON. / [[The collar is so tight the dog is choking and her eyes are bulging.]]
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[NORA THE DOG, formerly known as "ZESTY CHIPOTLE," happily smears herself with her own waste, large amounts of which surround her.]] / HASTINGS (offpanel): Let's put the obedience and potty training on hold for now and skip ahead. / [[He shows her a picture, which we can't see.]] / HASTINGS: Do you see this picture? Clear your head of all thought. Limit your blinking and DO NOT LOOK AWAY. / [[Silent panel of NORA THE DOG staring blankly.]] / [[HASTINGS turns on a radio.]] / <> / HASTINGS: Excellent. Now we begin the audio portion... / [[HASTINGS has taped the picture to the radio. It's a photo of ELLIOTT KRAUTHAMMER.]] / RADIO ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon, and welcome to Public Radio. Today we'll be smugly discussing the varied joys of liberalism. / HASTINGS: THE HATE-TRAINING HAS BEGUN.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[NORA THE DOG is listening to NPR on the radio HASTINGS taped a photo of ELLIOTT to.]] / ANNOUNCER: You're listening to Public Radio. On today's program, we'll be interviewing BAKER OSGOOD, who is well on his way to becoming the first cyclops President of the United States! / [[HASTINGS snatches up the radio in shock.]] / HASTINGS: WHAT?! / HASTINGS: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?! I spend a lousy SIX MONTHS embroiled in overly-dramatic romantic difficulties and the whole country goes INSANE?! / ANNOUNCER: And coming up, how to reduce your cat's carbon footprint and a recipe for soy pot roast! / HASTINGS: LUNACY!
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[Newspaper Article with picture of cyclops BAKER OSGOOD, presidential nominee. Signs reading "Osgood is Good" and "I (heart) Baker" are in the background) / HASTINGS (offpanel): I can't believe it! I WON'T BELIEVE IT! / [[Hastings is reading the paper, slightly depressed. Peter is looking smug.]] / PETER: KNOWN CYCLOPS Baker Osgood could be our next President. Tragic, isn't it? / HASTINGS: You think so, too? / PETER (offpanel): No, but I'm not a racist scumdog. He's got a decent shot, unless the voters nominate his competition... / PETER (maniacally): ...A WOMAN! / HASTINGS: God no!
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth HASTINGS: For the first time in history, either a woman or a racial minority could conceivably be running this nation inside a year. / UNACCEPTABLE! / HASTINGS: What happened? Did we run out of CREEPY OLD MEN? / [[Starts waving a little American flag.]] / HASTINGS: America, I implore you; DELIVER UNTO ME A SHIFTY, TWO-EYED, WARMONGERING BILLIONAIRE! / ORANGE CYCLOPS GUY: Heads up, Kilgore. Ned Gooseberry's making a visit to the Maulington branch for a surprise office inspection. / [[His eyes red slits, HASTINGS snaps the little flagpole in two.]] / <>
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth SAMANTHA MUDRICK: Have you seen Mr. Kilgore? I have to warn him about Mr. Gooseberry's visit. / "HARTWELL KILBURN": I have not. Why would he need to be WARNED? / MUDRICK: Hastings was blacklisted from the company last year, but he continued working here under a false identity. If Ned sees him, who knows what he'll do? / "KILBURN": I see. One question, though. / [[All-red panel as "KILBURN" explodes.]] / "KILBURN": HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU TOLD?! I KNEW I COULDN'T TRUST YOU TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! / MUDRICK (tiny voice): Hastings? / HASTINGS/"KILBURN": The name is Hartwell Kilburn, Madam. Mr. Kilburn if you're nasty.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": I had this elaborate disguise made up when I adopted the alternate identity of "Hartwell Kilburn." Convincing, no? / MUDRICK: Don't you think it's a little...MUCH? / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": BULLSPIT! It's a PERFECTLY RATIONAL solution... / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": This way, when Mr. Gooseberry makes an unscheduled visit like today's, I don't have to miss work just to avoid him. I can work right under his nose! / MUDRICK (little smile): I meant the HORNS. / [[The horns are MUCH larger than HASTINGS' natural ones.]] / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": Shut up. It's my disguise, and I'll overcompensate if I want to.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth MS. MUDRICK (offpanel): Welcome to the Maulington Branch, Mr. Gooseberry! / GOOSEBERRY: Coffee. Black. / MUDRICK: We run a tight ship here, so I know your inspection will go smoothly. / GOOSEBERRY: There is no inspection. Am I drinking coffee yet? / MUDRICK: Oh? Then is it about some exciting new product innovations? / GOOSEBERRY: What "INNOVATIONS?" We make rat poison. / MUDRICK: But I made a list of some other things we could look into killing. / [[From offpanel, she hands him a list: Skunks, bugs, pop stars.]] / GOOSEBERRY: Pass.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth PETER: Guess there's no inspection after all. Gooseberry came to make some secret announcement. / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": I just want to get through this so I can take off this itchy disguise and get back to work. / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": Ned Gooseberry is a DANGEROUS, MANIACAL LUNATIC and anything he has to say should be DISMISSED ACCORDINGLY. / GOOSEBERRY: Loyal employees, today I am announcing my candidacy FOR PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": WOO! Gooseberry in '08!
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth GOOSEBERRY: YOU! Yes you, in the back, come up here! / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": Oh, uh, me? Sir? I don't, uh... / GOOSEBERRY: You're the only one here who showed enthusiasm when I announced my candidacy for President! I want these people to know what a REAL employee looks like! / GOOSEBERRY: <> / GOOSEBERRY: I know that smell. It is the smell...OF BETRAYAL. / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": M-must be my deodorant. It's betrayal-scented.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[NED GOOSEBERRY has summoned HASTINGS, still disguised as "HARTWELL KILBURN," to his office. HASTINGS is sweating bullets.]] / GOOSEBERRY: So...KILBURN, is it? Tell me about yourself. / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": I was born in 1971. My parents were George and Svetlana Kilburn, the former a millworker struggling to write the great American novel, and the latter an underaged, mail-order Russian bride whom my father purchased for $100 out of a catalog... / GOOSEBERRY: HOLD IT! This sounds REHEARSED. / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": is, sir. But only because my REAL life story is...FAR TOO TRAGIC. / GOOSEBERRY: Go on. / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": I have amnesia.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth GOOSEBERRY: You lie like a rug, Kilburn. I don't believe a word you just said. / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": PLEASE, let me expl-- / GOOSEBERRY: Not necessary! You're a good liar; maybe a GREAT one. The only reason I was able to detect it was because I'm the BEST. / GOOSEBERRY: Joe Public would gladly swallow anything you spooned out. How'd you like to help me become President? / HASTINGS/"HARTWELL": You want ME to work on your campaign? / GOOSEBERRY: I think so, but I could be lying. / EVEN I DON'T KNOW.
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth GOOSEBERRY: It's you and me, Hartwell! With you managing my campaign, I can't lose! / HASTINGS/HARTWELL (nervous): HA HA! Uh, you and me! / GOOSEBERRY: We'll crush those sissy Democrats under our fearsome thumbs! We'll BURN DOWN their ideals, PILLAGE their hopes, and RAPE their dreams! / HASTINGS/HARTWELL: DREAM-RAPE! Truly a victimless crime! / GOOSEBERRY: "VICTIMLESS?" / GOOSEBERRY: You ARE a pitiless, bigoted war-monger, aren't you? / HASTINGS/HARTWELL: Yes, of COURSE! I TOTALLY monged a whole CRAPLOAD of war this morning!

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