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| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[PETER and HASTINGS are in the men's room. HASTINGS is making repairs to his "HARTWELL KILBURN" disguise with Scotch tape.]]
/ PETER: You took a job as Gooseberry's CAMPAIGN MANAGER?! You don't know anything about politics!
/ HASTINGS: RRGH! I know! / PETER: Plus if he ever finds out who you REALLY are, he'll probably MURDER YOU!
/ HASTINGS: I KNOW, I KNOW! / PETER: Are you so DEAD-SET against a cyclops president that you'd risk your OWN LIFE to get an UNPREDICTABLE, TWO-EYED SOCIOPATH into office? / HASTINGS: Ned has some surprisingly sapient opinions on health care reform.
/ PETER: HE WANTS TO EAT YOUR FACE! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080515.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[SAMANTHA MUDRICK reacts to some paperwork PETER has given her.]]
/ MUDRICK: A LEAVE OF ABSENCE?!
/ PETER: Mr. Kilgore asked me to deliver the paperwork. / MUDRICK: I'd heard Ned had offered him a job as manager of his campaign, but given the...SITUATION, I never thought he'd accept. / PETER: I just hope he doesn't get in over his STUPID head. / [[Cut to a B.I.C.L.O.P.S. initiation ceremony, helpfully identified with a big overhead banner. HASTINGS/HARTWELL is blindfolded and an evilly smiling NED GOOSEBERRY stands in the foreground.]]
/ GOOSEBERRY: How are you at KEEPING SECRETS?
/ HASTINGS/HARTWELL: Pretty good so far.
/ CAPTION: To be continued... / {{One of the silhouetted figures in the background is the title character of Paul Southworth's previous webcomic, KRAZY LARRY.}} http://uglyhill.com/d/20080516.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | LORE THE LANDLORD: ...and this is your room.
/ KARL KILGORE: Looks like there used to be ceiling beams up there. What happened? / LORE THE LANDLORD: Eh, we've had a lot of suicides in the last few months, even for a halfway house, so we yanked 'em out. / KARL: Why would anyone want to kill themselves after finally getting out of jail?
/ LORE THE LANDLORD: Some inmates find it difficult readjusting to life on the outside. / KARL: That's CRAZY. Now, will you and I be showering together, or will I be assigned a partner?
/ LORE THE LANDLORD (holds out his hand): SHOELACES. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080519.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[Exterior of the Gas 'n Bloat.]]
/ DAN THE MANAGER: And if you have any gang tattoos, you'll have to cover them up.
/ KARL KILGORE: Check. / [[KARL affixes his little name tag.]]
/ KARL: So, uh, do you employ a lot of ex-cons?
/ DAN: Convenience stores employ three kinds of people: Teenagers, stoners, and yes, ex-convicts. / ELI: DAD?! / DAN: Oops...I forgot FAT LOSERS WHO CAN'T WORK THE LOTTERY TICKET MACHINE, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I SHOW THEM.
/ ELI: Shove it, DAN. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080520.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | ELI (sipping on a soda): I'm just working at "Gas n' Bloat" so I can pay for my night classes. < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080521.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[ELI storms down the street, KARL a ways behind him. Everything's blue, since it's after dark.]]
/ ELI: WHO URINATES ON A LOTTERY MACHINE?
/ KARL: It wasn't ME! Some PUNK KID must have done it while my back was turned! / ELI: Dan didn't buy that story. WHY SHOULD I?
/ KARL: Because I'm your FATHER! Do you think I got us fired on purpose? / ELI: Look, I'm trying to do something important here. If you can't keep the CURDLED STINK of your own failure off me, then just STAY OUT OF MY WAY! / KARL: WAIT! I can PROVE I didn't do it! / KARL: I have to pee. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080522.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[KARL sits on a park bench.]]
/ KARL: I really screwed up this time. Or at least Eli THINKS I did, which is just as bad. / KARL: I wish I could just PAY for his night classes, but I can't afford that.
/ HOMELESS GUY: I don't know you. / KARL: There's got to be a responsible, legal way that an ex-con can make a lot of money in a short period of time...but HOW? / HOMELESS GUY: I'll give you five bucks to knife me in the ribs.
/ KARL: Do I look stupid to you? / KARL: Let me see the money first. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080523.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | SNUG: Hey, you got like a million messages on your machine, man.
/ ELI: They're all from my dad. Just ignore them. / SNUG: Are you STILL mad at him? You sound like your brother.
/ ELI: Thanks to KARL, I'm out of a job and my GED is on hold until I can find a new one. / KARL (on the machine): Hey Eli, I FOUND A NEW JOB! Pays a lot more than the "Gas N' Bloat." Gimme a call back, I got a surprise for you. / SNUG: OOH, maybe it's a Matchbox car! If it's one you already have, you'll give it to me, right?
/ ELI (rolls eyes): Pinky swear. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080526.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | ELI: Why did you drag me all the way out to the middle of nowhere? I had to take three buses and ride a fat kid on a skateboard to get here. / KARL: I wanted to prove that I've changed! Really this time!
/ ELI (rolls eyes): Look, I don't-- / KARL: And to give you THIS.
/ [[KARL hands ELI a wad of cash.]]
/ ELI: DAD! There must be over $5,000 in here! / KARL: Yeah, and look...no hand-drawn bills hidden between real ones, like with your half-sister's child support. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080527.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[ELI and KARL are walking down the street at night.]]
/ ELI: This seems like kind of a bad area, Dad. This is where you WORK?
/ KARL: A guy can get used to anything if the price is right. / ELI: Even getting stabbed?
/ KARL: The trick is to walk BETWEE the blades. Well, here we are! / ELI: HERE? A dirty alley between a strip club and a butcher shop?
/ KARL: No, that butcher shop went out of business. / [[ELI and KARL have stopped at the mouth of an alley that leads between two buildings. One is labeled "Strip Club" and the other "Another Strip Club," with "Another" hastily lettered on a piece of wood mounted above the neon.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080528.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[KARL introduces his boss, who is the hobo from the park bench in the strip from a 5/23/08.]]
/ KARL: Eli, this is my boss, Mr. X.
/ MR. X: HEY! What's with Eyebrows McFatbody? / KARL: This is my son. He's coming along with me on my route tonight.
/ [[MR. X begins digging at the top of a car battery with a screwdriver.]]
/ MR. X: But he's seen my face! UNACCEPTABLE! Hold him still while I jimmy this open. / ELI: Wh-what's he doing? / KARL: WAIT! What if I promise to blind him with battery acid when we get HOME?
/ MR. X: All right, but you'll have to supply your own battery. Go put this one back in my car. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080529.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | ELI: Okay, I give up. What exactly IS your new job? SPILL IT.
/ KARL: Organ harvesting!
/ SURPRISE! / ELI (little red skulls in his eyes!): Org--WHAT?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
/ KARL: But Mr. X says I'm only retrieving organs that were harvested from HIS BODY over his sordid career as a professional drifter! / KARL: I'm righting wrongs! I'M A WRONG-RIGHTER! / KARL (takes out a big knife): Now let's hustle; I fell WAY short of my 7-kidney quota last night, and I need to pick up the slack.
/ [[ELI's expression of horror and dismay is wonderful.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080530.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | KARL: Okay, maybe organ harvesting's not the NOBLEST profession, but LOOK AT THIS STACK OF CLAMS! I'll be retired in a month!
/ ELI: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! Come on, we're going home. / KARL: Eli, NO! I can't just WALK AWAY from this!
/ ELI: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? Is the money THAT important to you? / KARL (suddenly terrified): If I quit, my boss will pluck out my eyes with a shrimp fork and feed them to his dogs.
/ ELI: Man, that guy REALLY hates eyes. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080602.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | KARL: I would NEVER sabotage your education, and I wanted to prove it by paying your tuition. / ELI: Well thanks, but organ harvesting should never be a means to an end. We need to get you out of this.
/ KARL: I could use this chloroform to drug my boss and escape with my eyes intact... / KARL: But if I fail, one or most of my organs could be inside a dying South-American drug czar in less than 24 hours. / ELI: That's a chance I'm willing to watch you take.
/ From over there on that bench. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080603.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[KARL douses a hanky with chloroform.]] / [[KARL comes up behind MR. X.]]
/ KARL: Hey, uh Mr. X...could you smell this chloroform? I think it went bad. / MR. X: DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT?
/ You probably blew your snot ALL OVER that thing! Just give me the bottle. / [[MR. X sniffs the bottle.]]
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20080604.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[ELI is depositing a large pile of cash and a note outside the police station, to KARL's dismay.]]
/ KARL: DON'T BE A FOOL, SON!
/ ELI: This is FILTHY ORGAN HARVESTING MONEY! I'm leaving it here. I'm also leaving a note telling the police where to find Mr. X. / KARL: But how will you pay for school now?
/ ELI: There's plenty of money out there for a guy who's willing to pretend to work for it. / KARL: All right, I...OH BOY...I kind of forgot I had this in my pocket. Can we, uh...
/ [[ELI looks horrified.]] / [[Flies buzz around a dripping liver on the steps of the police station. There's a sign under it.]]
/ SIGN: Functioning LIVER
/ Free to good home
/ One owner! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080605.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | SNUG: Your dad was HARVESTING ORGANS?! SICK!
/ ELI: His heart was in the right place. / ELI: We anonymously turned his boss and all the money over to the cops.
/ SNUG: MAN. So, signing up for your next class, huh? I thought you were broke? / [[Silent panel of ELI looking rather uncomfortable.]] / SNUG: You kept some of the organ money, didn't you?
/ ELI (hyper and sweaty): LISTEN! If those people didn't want their guts RANSACKED, they shouldn't have left the house with them! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080606.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[We are seeing the B&W original of an episode of PETER's online comic strip, "SASQWATCH 2813."]]
/ TRUNK DEADFALL (a sasquatch): Are you sure we're in the right place?
/ FLANK THE CHUPACABRA: This is where the moss oracle said we'd find the secret entrance to U.N.S.E.E.N.'s headquarters. / TRUNK: She also said it would be protected by a guardian but all I see is an old water tow-- / [[A hideous monster appears!]]
/ UNSPECIFIED OFFPANEL: SQUID BAT!!! / [[Back to color and "reality." ELI is holding the original strip.]]
/ PETER: I'm a little torn between "squid bat" and "squat." What do you think?
/ ELI: You made the right call. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080609.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[PETER looks dejectedly at his monitor.]]
/ PETER: ONE reader! I've been posting my comic strip online for almost a year, and I still haven't cracked ONE?! / PESTILENCE: But "Sasqwatch 2813" is a post-apocalyptic MASTERPIECE!
/ [[GRANT is also there, holding a Monster Manual.]]
/ PETER: There are two of you...which means ONE of you isn't reading! / PETER: POP QUIZ! WHAT DID TRUNK USE TO DEFEAT THE FEUDING TRIBES OF PHOSPHORESCENT CHIHUAHUAS DEEP BENEATH THE RUINS OF OLD LAS VEGAS? / PETER: AHA! NEITHER of you are reading it!
/ GRANT: I'M ALLERGIC TO GLOWING MEXICAN DOGS! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080610.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[PETER is dejectedly kneading a mound of clay.]]
/ ART TEACHER: Peter, put away that comic strip, I...Hey, are you actually doing the project I assigned? / PETER: Yeah, no one was reading my comic, so I quit.
/ GLENN: You draw a comic strip? SO DO I! Ever heard of "Circus Maximus?"
/ [[GLENN has sculpted a nifty little statue of a clown with a big gun.]] / PETER: HEARD of it? It's my daily dose of undead gladiator clowns fighting an extraterrestrial race of genetically-enhanced bipedal lions! / GLENN: I've got a modest following; about 10,000 readers. What's your strip called?
/ PETER: Uh...*mumble* *mumble*...
/ GLENN: No way! You draw "MUMBLE MUMBLE?!" http://uglyhill.com/d/20080611.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[GLENN is looking at some of PETER'S strips.]]
/ GLENN: This is good stuff! How come you only have one reader?
/ PETER: I assumed it was due to the fact that I am terrible. / BLUE FINHEAD: NAH! I'll post a link to your strip on my site, and maybe you'll get some extra traffic. / CAPTION: The next day...
/ [[PETER'S monitor reads "500 visitors."]]
/ PETER: ALL RIGHT! I'm on the crosstown bus to Success Street! / CAPTION: The day after that...
/ [[PETER'S monitor now reads "1 visitor."]]
/ PETER: WHY DID I GET OFF AT DISAPPOINTMENT AVENUE?! I WAS GOING TO SUCCESS STREET! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080612.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | GLENN: Well, I'm stumped. Your strip should be ROLLING in readers by now!
/ PETER: Hey, are these your drawing materials? / GLENN: Oh, yeah. I use heavyweight card stock and a special pen from Finland.
/ PETER: I draw on notebook paper with a ball point pen. / GLENN: Well, whatever works for you, but I think one can determine the class of an artist by the quality of his materials. / [[Cut to art-supply store.]]
/ PETER: Is this enough to buy the special Finnish pen?
/ ART-STORE GUY: It might be enough for the cap...Wait, nope, let me break it in half. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080613.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[PETER has gotten TOM to buy him the expensive Finnish pen.]]
/ PETER: Thanks, Dad. I know this is just what I need to get more people reading my webcomic.
/ TOM: No problem, but how will anyone even know what kind of pen you're using? / PETER: Well, they won't, but they WILL notice that the professionalism of my work has increased EXPONENTIALLY.
/ TOM: But how will they do that if they're not already looking at it? / PETER: Osmosis?
/ TOM: HEY, a vocab word! Ten points for effort! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080616.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[Split panel showing PETER and PESTILENCE having a phone conversation.]]
/ PETER: I can't go to the movies tonight. I need to work on my strip.
/ PESTILENCE: I thought you quit? / [[Same as first split panel.]]
/ PETER: I did, but then I upgraded my materials. Plus Glenn said I should do it in color now, which takes twice as long.
/ PESTILENCE: Oh, okay. Well, you'd probably get done faster if your computer wasn't so slow. / [[Cut to PETER and TOM at an electronics store.]]
/ PETER: But DAAAAAAAAD! Glenn has the 25" plasma screen AND the wireless mouse!
/ TOM (to salesman): C'mon, can't you throw me a discount? Us nudie-noggins gotta help each other out, right?
/ [[The salesman, like TOM, is bald.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20080617.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[GLENN shows off his new Wacom tablet.]]
/ GLENN: And look, you draw right on the screen! Just got it yesterday.
/ PETER: Wow! It's awesome, Glenn. Really great! / GLENN: I bet if you got one of these puppies, you could cut your production time in HALF! / PETER: Yeah, I dunno. It's pretty expensive.
/ I don't think I need that. / [[Back to the electronics store. PETER is shaking like a junkie three days from his last fix. TOM holds a box containing a tablet.]]
/ PETER: NEED IT NEED IT NEEEEEED IT!
/ TOM: *SIGH* I guess Uncle Floyd's funeral can wait until next month. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080618.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[PETER and ELI are walking in the woods. PETER is frustrated.]]
/ PETER: I've upgraded all my materials, my strip is looking better than ever, and I still only have ONE READER!
/ ELI: Who cares? / PETER: If no one's going to READ it, why should I waster my TIME?! / ELI: Because you like doing it? And when you stop you get all snappy and your hands shake like Jell-O on a roller-coaster?
/ PETER: I guess so. But I feel like such a FAILURE! / ELI: You'll always feel like that, no matter how well you do. Because your brain is defective.
/ PETER: HEY. THAT'S...! Wow, that's kind of comforting.
/ [[He smiles.]]
/ Yes! I'm DEFECTIVE! http://uglyhill.com/d/20080619.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[We're looking at a black-and-white original of PETER's webcomic, "Sasqwatch 2813." FLANK THE CHUPACABRA has been grabbed by a giant tentacle--perhaps from the "Squid Bat" shown at the beginning of this story?]]
/ FLANK: Shoot it! SHOOT IT WITH YOUR MANY GUNS! / TRUNK DEADFALL: These are just for show! BIGFOOTS ARE PACIFISTS! / [[PETER at the drawing board.]]
/ PETER: DONE! Another strip in the can. I guess I don't need thousands of readers. As long as there's at least ONE person out there enjoying my work, it's all worth it. / [[TOM WIPP at the computer.]]
/ TOM: Heh. "Pacifists." http://uglyhill.com/d/20080620.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[ELI has put on a shirt and tie and is wearing a watch. HASTINGS is holding the headpiece of his "Hartwell Kilburn" disguise.]]
/ ELI: YOU'RE NOT READY YET!? The reception's in 20 minutes!
/ HASTINGS: I have a PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT. / ELI: We RSVP'd MONTHS ago! You can't duck our cousin's wedding; YOU'LL BREAK HER HEART!
/ HASTINGS: Eli, someday you'll learn that some things are just more important than family. / [[HASTINGS/HARTWELL is tied to a stake, surrounded by flames, with a tiny raisin perched on his head. He's smiling! NED GOOSEBERRY, wearing a hooded robe, is taking aim with a bow and arrow.]]
/ GOOSEBERRY: Ancient spirits of the B.I.C.L.O.P.S. BROTHERHOOD, please guide this diamond-tipped arrow straight and true to yonder raisin...
/ ...and if you have time, cleave not this tender intiate's skull in twain. http://uglyhill.com/d/20080623.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | GOOSEBERRY: You're well on your way to B.I.C.L.O.P.S. brotherhood, Kilburn.
/ [[GOOSEBERRY holds the diamond-tipped arrow from yesterday. It has blood on it. HASTINGS/HARTWELL has a drop of blood running between his eyebrows and his shirttail is burned.]]
/ HASTINGS/HARTWELL: O-on my WAY, sir? / GOOSEBERRY: You didn't think shooting an arrow at your head was the ONLY initiation ritual, did you? / HASTINGS/HARTWELL: I also stripped nude and sat on a city bus for 14 hours.
/ GOOSEBERRY: That wasn't part of the initiation. We just wanted to see if you would do it. / HASTINGS/HARTWELL: But...MY DIGNITY.
/ GOOSEBERRY: ...is just one of many sacrifices you'll be making in exchange for our very conditional approval. / {{"Stripped nude?" Hastings normally wears nothing but a collar and tie, and as "Hartwell Kilburn" he only adds a shirt to the ensemble!}} http://uglyhill.com/d/20080624.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | HASTINGS/HARTWELL: This is IT! After hours of humiliating initiation rituals, I'm almost a member of B.I.C.L.O.P.S.! / HASTINGS/HARTWELL: I only wish I could be inducted under my true identity instead of in this fraudulent and itchy disguise.
/ [[He scratches his nose and chin.]] / [[He grins broadly. Some of HASTINGS' natural gray color is showing through the green of the HARTWELL disguise.]]
/ HASTINGS/HARTWELL: OH WELL! When being initiated into the most ancient and exclusive secret brotherhood in the history of the world, I suppose one shouldn't sweat the details. / GOOSEBERRY: KILBURN! Why is your sweat turning your face a different color?
/ HASTINGS/HARTWELL: Um...some kind of horrifying disease? http://uglyhill.com/d/20080625.html |
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