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| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[NORA THE DOG is agitated and pointing at the door.]]
/ NORA THE DOG: RUFF! BARK BARK! BARK!
/ HASTINGS: ALL RIGHT, Nora! This has happened thirty times in the last five minutes! Don't you detect a pattern? / [[HASTINGS answers the door. An adult is there. He's the green guy HASTINGS was screaming at in the strip of 4/25/07. His name is BYRON CRANDALL, but we don't know that yet.]]
/ HASTINGS: Can't you see the lights are off? Go home you stupid...kids...?
/ CRANDALL: Hey. Trick or treat. / HASTINGS: You're not even wearing a COSTUME! How old are you?
/ CRANDALL: 46. It's uh, it's for my son. She's very sick. / HASTINGS: Unless you have a debilitating pronoun disorder, I'm going to have to ask you to SCREW OFF.
/ CRANDALL: Little William Elizabeth will be so disappointed. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081030.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[BYRON CRANDALL is back.]]
/ HASTINGS: YOU again? I thought I told you to take a long walk off a tall skyscraper?
/ CRANDALL: Yes, you were VERY RUDE to me. I'd like an apology. / HASTINGS: If anything, you owe me an apology for wasting my valuable time!
/ CRANDALL: But it's Halloween. All I wanted was some candy! / HASTINGS (red all over with rage): GET OFF MY PROPERTY!
/ CRANDALL: WAIT! I'm wearing a costume this time. I even have props! / [[Suddenly grinning evilly, CRANDALL produces a large knife and stabs HASTINGS in the chest!]]
/ CRANDALL: STABBY HALLOWEEN! http://uglyhill.com/d/20081031.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[HASTINGS' point of view, with his bloody hand in the foreground and the knife-wielding BYRON CRANDALL standing over him.]]
/ HASTINGS: You...you STABBED ME!
/ CRANDALL: Should have given me some candy. / HASTINGS: But Halloween is for CHILDREN! I gave candy to all the kids who came by! HONEST! / [[The kid in the devil costume from earlier in the evening returns, carrying an armload of eggs.]]
/ DEVIL KID: Hey, your light's on now, huh, JERK?
/ SUCK EGG! / [[HASTINGS is splattered with eggs.]]
/ < http://uglyhill.com/d/20081103.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | CRANDALL: You probably don't know me, Mr. Kilgore, but I know you.
/ HASTINGS: Yes, I'm the man you just STABBED WITH A KNIFE! Nice to meet you. / CRANDALL: No. Before that. This was a test. A compassion test...
/ AND YOU HAVE FAILED. / HASTINGS: So now what? Are you going to take me on a MYSTICAL JOURNEY to show me what horrors my cruelty has wrought among my friends and family?
/ CRANDALL: NOPE! Gonna cut out your heart and feed it to my dog! / CRANDALL (offpanel): I mean, have you SEEN the price of dog food? And what with the economy and all...
/ HASTINGS: Oh, I understand...
/ So you like DOGS, do you?
/ [[NORA THE DOG is snarling and ready to attack behind the gate keeping her in the other room.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20081104.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[NORA THE DOG attacks BYRON CRANDALL, biting him on the shoulder and immediately drawing blood.]]
/ CRANDALL: NOOO! / HASTINGS: Good girl, Nora! GO FOR THE TENDER VITTLES, like we practiced on the mannequin! / [[HASTINGS gets on the phone as NORA continues to maul CRANDALL in the next room.]]
/ HASTINGS: Yes, I'd like to report a crime... / [[Red with rage.]]
/ HASTINGS: SOME LITTLE PUNK EGGED ME IN MY OWN HOUSE, AND I WANT HIM TRACKED DOWN AND SPANKED TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH! / [[Calm again.]]
/ HASTINGS: Also, a smelly bearded man stabbed me with a large knife.
/ Yes I WILL hold indefinitely. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081105.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[And we're back where we started, with HASTINGS cowering behind the desk, on the phone, calling for help.]]
/ HASTINGS: I don't care if you get a lot of prank calls on Halloween! If you don't send help soon, HE'S GOING TO KILL M--
/ Hello?
/ HELLO!? / [[HASTINGS recoils in terror.]]
/ HASTINGS: NO! NO! N-- / [[NORA THE DOG jumps on him and starts licking his nose. She is covered with bloodstains.]]
/ HASTINGS: Ack! Pbbthbt! Nora, DOWN! Good girl! You took care of that old crazy drifter, didn't you? Didn't you, YES YOU DID! / [[HASTINGS holds NORA at arms' length. She is happily licking her bloody lips.]]
/ HASTINGS: Looks like uh...Hey, looks like you're enjoying that a little too much there, girl. / [[NORA THE DOG has an ecstatic grin and is gleefully rubbing her front paws together.]]
/ HASTINGS: Cut that out, now. Heh. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081106.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[BYRON CRANDALL lies, beaten and bloody, on the floor. His eyes are open, but he seems nonresponsive.]]
/ COP (offpanel): His name is Byron Crandall, from Blight Point, California. According to the manifesto we found in his back pocket, he worked for you during that time. He followed you here for revenge. / HASTINGS (still bleeding; apparently hasn't received any medical attention): Revenge?! Against ME? For WHAT?
/ COP: Says here you constantly humiliated him in fron of his peers, then fired him for spilling a single drop of coffee on your carpet. / HASTINGS: Oh! Byron CRANDALL! I remember now! Ha! Would you look at this mess, Crandall? You're DOUBLE FIRED, Mister! Ha ha... / HASTINGS: Sorry. I've lost a lot of blood.
/ COP: Not enough. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081107.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[ELLIOTT KRAUTHAMMER and PETER are in the cafeteria at Poisonwood Brands.]]
/ ELLIOTT: C'mon, c'mon, hurry UP! I got my kid with me today, and I can't leave her alone at my desk for too long!
/ PETER: All right, GEEZ. Why did you bring her to work? / ELLIOTT: My stupid wife told me it was "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day," but by the time I checked the calendar, it was too late; she was already drunk. / PETER: Oh, that's...um. Can I meet her?
/ ELLIOTT: Who, the kid? There she is, knock yourself out. / [[Waiting in ELLIOTT's cube is his son--not daughter--EVAN.]]
/ EVAN: Daddy, PLEASE stop telling people I'm a girl!
/ ELLIOTT: If you're not a GIRL, then why are you such a disappointment? http://uglyhill.com/d/20081117.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | PETER: You introduce your son as your DAUGHTER!? Why would you DO that?
/ ELLIOTT: You heard his voice. Plus he cries, like, at LEAST once a month. / PETER: He's just a KID! You're going to give him a complex! / ELLIOTT: Pfft...If it's "complex," Evan probably can't handle it. Kid can't even DROP A DEUCE in the john by himself. Speaking of which, his diaper probably needs changing. / PETER (outraged): DIAPER?! He's like SIX YEARS OLD! He can't still be in--
/ EVAN (offpanel): SHH! / [[EVAN stands nervously in the corner, looking over his shoulder at PETER and ELLIOTT.]]
/ EVAN: Privacy please? http://uglyhill.com/d/20081118.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | PETER: Elliott brought his son to work today. That kid is seriously messed up.
/ HASTINGS: Is this the part where I feign shock and/or concern? / PETER: I know, but...Man, it's just not right, the way he treats that poor kid. He just wants his father's attention.
/ HASTINGS: His son should try dressing up like an unfiltered cigarette or someone else's wife. / EVAN: Daddy, I'm BORED. I put thumbtacks on all the toilet seats like you said, but I ran out.
/ ELLIOTT (not even looking at him): Then go wait in the alley with your eyes closed until a stranger comes to take you away. / HASTINGS: You're right; he should have arranged a kidnapping in advance, rather than relying on random passing degenerates. Sloppy.
/ [[PETER looks stunned and horrified.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20081119.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | PETER: Oh, hey Evan. What are you watching?
/ EVAN: SHH! Daddy doesnt know I'm in here, but my favorite show is on. / PETER: Oh man, "Abomination Station!" This was my favorite show when I was a kid, too! I can't believe it's still on.
/ EVAN: Daddy says puppets are gay. / EVAN: Sometimes I wish I could live in the TV.
/ PETER: Oh, You'd totally be better off with inanimate, felt-covered parents.
/ No question. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081120.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | PETER: Elliott, I'm taking your son.
/ ELLIOTT: Okay. / PETER: We're going to a taping of his favorite show this afternoon.
/ ELLIOTT: Uh-huh. / PETER (daring ELLIOTT to contradict him): Because he's a GOOD boy and he deserves a treat!
/ ELLIOTT: Sounds good. / PETER: We were going to take the bus, but I decided a catapult was faster. Afterwards, we'll eat sugar-frosted monkey turds on a one-way rocket to the center of the sun.
/ ELLIOTT: You girls have a good time, now. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081121.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[We're watching a taping of an episode of "Abomination Station." Two colorful characters are acting out a scene.]]
/ GOOFBALL JONES: Meemo, who left this trash in the middle of the road?
/ MEEMO: Ha ha, that's not trash, Goofball Jones...That's the letter "T!" / GOOFBALL JONES: Can you think of a word that starts with the letter "T?"
/ MEEMO: Hey! Doesn't "TRASH" start with the letter "T?" / [[Silent panel. "Trash" starting with "T" is the most amazing thing they've ever heard.]] / [[PETER and EVAN are sitting in the audience (which has lots of empty seats, considering it's a taping of a beloved kids' show).]]
/ PETER: I think this loses something as you get older.
/ EVAN: "T" is for Trash, and he though the "T" WAS trash! That is SO totally Goofball! http://uglyhill.com/d/20081124.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[After the end of the "Abomination Station" taping.]]
/ EVAN: And that part...and that part where Hermes asks Kurt to tell him a story because he can't sleep? WHITE-KNUCKLE EXCITEMENT!
/ PETER: I'm glad you liked it, Evan. / FUZZBALL REMOVAL TECHNICIAN: Hey, youse guys like the show, do ya? How'd ya like ta go backstage and meet da cast IN PERSON? / PETER: Uh, yes, I think we would like that very much, sir! But I wouldn't want to get you in trouble...
/ FUZZBALL REMOVAL TECHNICIAN (offpanel): Worry about NUTTIN', little friend...
/ [[EVAN's about to explode with delight.]] / FUZZBALL REMOVAL TECHNICIAN: I'm the guy what picks the little fuzz balls off them puppets at the end of the day. I got clout to SPARE. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081125.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[PETER and EVAN are exploring the "Abomination Station" set. EVAN can barely contain himself.]]
/ EVAN: MEEMO! Look Peter, it's Meemo! Meemo is my FAVORITE!
/ PETER (EVAN's delight is infectious): Don't tell ME, tell him! / [[EVAN runs up to the wall MEEMO peeks over.]]
/ EVAN: MEEMO YOU ARE MY FAVORITE!
/ MEEMO: Thanks little guy! You're Meemo's favorite, too! How about I take you around to meet the rest of my friends? / EVAN: That would be great, Meemo! I have a question first, though.
/ MEEMO (offpanel): Sure! / [[We now see MEEMO's mustached, cycloptic puppeteer, MR. CLASH.]]
/ EVAN: Who's THAT guy?
/ MR. CLASH/MEEMO: That's uh...Dr. Clash! Mrs. Meemo makes Meemo get checked back there every five years, whether he needs it or not. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081126.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | PETER: Wow Evan, look! It's Abomination Station's resident grump, Slaggo the Crank!
/ EVAN: OH! Oh no...uh, let's go this way instead. / [[Medium shot of SLAGGO THE CRANK, who really does look quite unpleasant.]]
/ PETER (offpanel): Don't you want to meet Slaggo?
/ EVAN (also offpanel): No, he's scary. I don't like him. / PETER: Aw, he's just an old sourpuss! Deep down, I bet he's a really nice guy!
/ EVAN: No he's not! He's MEAN AND UGLY and he lives in a sewer pipe! / PETER: But maybe Slaggo's just bitter because he doesn't qualify for government housing.
/ EVAN: He could live in a fridge box, but he doesn't. He sits in POO all day. That's a CHOICE. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081127.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | PETER: All right, Evan, wave goodbye to "Abomination Station."
/ EVAN: Bye bye, I love you!
/ SLAGGO THE GRUMP (offpanel): Good riddance, ya pukes! / PETER: What? Who...Oh, hey, it's Slaggo! Uh, say hello, Evan.
/ EVAN (terrified): NO! I told you I didn't want to see him! He's scary! / SLAGGO: FINE, kid! No skin off my nose! Why don't you go wait in the alley with your eyes closed until a stranger comes to take you away? / PETER: Hey, Slaggo sounds just like your dad! How come you don't like hi--OHHHHHH.
/ EVAN (eyes closed): Can you go tell Slaggo I hate him? Just...just tell him I wish God would make him die. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081128.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[PETER goes backstage without EVAN.]]
/ PETER: Psst! Slaggo's puppeteer! PSST!
/ SLAGGO'S PUPPETEER: Huh? Hey, you're not supposed to be back here, kid! You'll wreck the illusion! / PETER: I'm sorry, but my little friend out there is scared of Slaggo, and I think he needs to face his fear.
/ SLAGGO'S PUPPETEER: Slaggo is mean, kids are SUPPOSED to hate him. / PETER: Yeah, but this kid is scared because he reminds him of his father, and if he can't even stand up to a puppet, how is he ever going to stand up to his Dad?
/ PUPPETEER: Geez, that's too bad. If I never stood up to MY father, I would have turned out to be a doctor or a congressman or something. / PETER: SO YOU'LL HELP?
/ PUPPETEER: Sure, what else am I gonna do? Stand here and not have insurance? http://uglyhill.com/d/20081201.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[PETER is trying to get EVAN to talk to SLAGGO THE GRUMP, who has taken his usual place at the wall.]]
/ PETER: Evan, I want you to tell Slaggo how he makes you feel.
/ EVAN: NO! He'll yell at me and get poo-water in my mouth! / PETER: No he won't, Evan. He'll quietly and patiently listen to your concerns and address them in a mature, fatherly manner. Right, Slaggo?
/ SLAGGO: That's right, Peter. / EVAN: Really?
/ PETER: Really. / [[EVAN lunges at SLAGGO and starts choking him.]]
/ EVAN: YOU ROTTEN PUS-BUCKET! YOU RANCID, MISERABLE PILE OF HOG CHUNKS! I'LL CRUSH YOUR TRACHEA LIKE A PLASTIC STRAW!
/ SLAGGO'S PUPPETEER: NO! My puppet hand! I use that for puppeting! http://uglyhill.com/d/20081202.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | EVAN: The monsters on "Abomination Station"...are PUPPETS? I had no idea.
/ PETER: Sorry, Evan. I was just trying to show you that if you can stand up to Slaggo, you can stand up to your dad. / EVAN: I guess my dad is kind of like a puppet... / EVAN: He's hollow inside, but instead of someone's hand up his butt, he's controlled by his own selfish compulsions to the point of social alienation and eventual self-destruction.
/ [[That's a lot from a six-year-old, and PETER seems to react to that.]] / EVAN: Also, he's not made of felt and he blinks. You ever notice that about puppets? They never friggin' BLINK.
/ PETER: Little man, you're growing up. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081203.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[ELLIOTT finds EVAN and PETER walking back to the office.]]
/ ELLIOTT: EVAN! Where have you been?! Your mother has been worried sick, and she's very annoying, so it partially affected me as well!
/ EVAN (waving PETER off): I'll handle this. / EVAN: Dad, we're going home. And when we get there, you are going to make me a nutritious dinner. Then you're going to read me a story, kiss me on the forehead, and put me to bed at a reasonable hour. / [[EVAN leans close to ELLIOTT, glaring, teeth clenched, little red skulls in his suddenly-yellow eyes.]]
/ EVAN: And if I hear a single discouraging or unkind word from you along the way...
/ I will spend the rest of my life drinking milk and pumping iron until I'm strong enough to remove your head from your body and use it as the world's ugliest bowling ball. / ELLIOTT: Who told you I respond to threats and intimidation?
/ EVAN (tearfully): I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU! http://uglyhill.com/d/20081204.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | [[HASTINGS is leaving work for the day and notices EVAN is there.]]
/ HASTINGS: What are YOU doing here? / EVAN: I'm waiting for my dad. We're going for ice cream!
/ HASTINGS: Wait, I thought your father treated you shabbily? / EVAN (proudly): He did, but then Peter taught me to stand up for myself. It works GREAT! / [[ELLIOTT arrives. He's a quivering mass of jelly.]]
/ ELLIOTT: Okay Evan, h-here's your jacket. I-I looked for your red hat, but I couldn't find it, so I brought the blue one. IT'S NOT MY FAULT! Please...please don't kick my shins anymore. So many BRUISES...
/ {{Shins? On ELLIOTT?}} / HASTINGS: You did this?
/ PETER: Yes.
/ HASTINGS: Gold star.
/ [[He's actually holding one.]]
/ PETER: AWESOME. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081205.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | (Reprints the strip from 12/7/2005.)
/ [[ELI KILGORE is listening to the radio on headphones]]
/ DJ: Hey, you're listening to WGLY, the ROCK of Maulington, and have WE got an early Christmas present for you!
/ DJ: Did someone say "SKULLDRIFT?!" / DJ: Everyone remembers the punishing, driving riffs of "RIBCAGE CHANDELIER," and the romantic power ballad, "FRENCH YOUR NECKHOLE," right?
/ ELI: GASP! / DJ: Well move over Santa, cause SKULLDRIFT is comin' to town for a one-time only REUNION TOUR! And here's how to win tickets...
/ ELI: EEE!
/ SNUG: Hey man, what's g--
/ UH...
/ [[ELI is freaking out.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20081208.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | (Reprints the strip from 12/8/2005.) / ELI: I DID IT! I won tickets to "SKULLDRIFT"!
/ SNUG: What? That band you liked in high school? / ELI: I spent four years of my LIFE with headphones grafted to my head listening to their eight studio albums and three live bootleg tapes! / SNUG: Man, playin' FAST don't equal playin' GOOD.
/ ELI: DUDE, did you just put down the guitar work of Lambert Schuldiner? / SNUG: Lambert Schuldiner sucks, dude. SUCKS.
/ ELI: You're lucky Crockett Eichstadt isn't here. He would DEVOUR YOUR SOUL with a rubber-coated, metal-studded spoon. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081209.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | (Reprints strip from 12/9/2005) / SNUG: Wait, this concert is TONIGHT?! It's Christmas Eve!
/ ELI (digging through closet): That's the best PART! / ELI: SKULLDRIFT is planning a HUGE comeback, and it's all kicking off tonight! Only DIEHARD FANS will be there!
/ SNUG: Well I don't know if I can go, man. My mom would FLIP if I wasn't home on Christmas morning. / SNUG: HEY, are you even listening? / [[ELI stands in front of a huge pile of logoed items, wearing headphones and holding a Skulldrift T-shirt.]]
/ ELI: CHECK IT OUT! I FOUND ALL MY OLD SKULLDRIFT MERCH! SWEET! http://uglyhill.com/d/20081210.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | (Reprints the strip of 12/12/2005.) / ELI: You GOTTA come with me! I don't wanna go to a Skulldrift show by myself!
/ SNUG: Well I can't go. Why don't you ask your brother? / HASTINGS: Ask me what?
/ ELI: Uh, you wouldn't be interested. / SNUG: Eli wants to go to a concert on Christmas Eve. Wanna go with him?
/ HASTINGS: Not unless they've reanimated the corpse of Burl Ives to sing all his holiday classics. / SNUG (grinning): Oh, man! I'd TOTALLY be up for an undead Burl Ives show! He'd be the holliest, jolliest zombie EVER!
/ HASTINGS: Yes. http://uglyhill.com/d/20081211.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | (Reprints strip from 12/13/05)
/ ELI: PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!
/ SNUG: ALL RIGHT! FINE! I'LL GO TO THE STUPID CONCERT! / SNUG: But you gotta promise we'll be home by 5am at the LATEST. Mom will be heartbroken if I'm not home for Christmas.
/ [[ELI rocks out in the background.]] / ELI: Ooh, of COURSE! No problem, man! The show will be over by 2AM! And if Skulldrift is known for ANYTHING, it's their punctuality. / SNUG: I thought they were known for feeding one of their groupies to a giant demon squid.
/ ELI: But they are rumored to have done so in a TIMELY FASHION.
/ [[There's a poster of the Giant Demon Squid on the wall.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20081212.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | (Reprints the strip from 12/14/2005) / [[ELI and SNUG are at the venue for the Skulldrift show.]]
/ SNUG: THREE HOURS in line?! Ugh, I gotta pee...
/ ELI: I hope we didn't miss the opening act. / ELI: Ooh, NOPE! "Eyerocket" hasn't even set up yet!
/ SNUG: Where are our seats?
/ ELI: Didn't I tell you? / ELI (big grin): They said we could give up our seats for backstage passes if we didn't mind walking around during the show!
/ SNUG: WHAT?! Fine...where's the BATHROOM? / ELI: Sorry, restrooms for seat-holders only.
/ [[SNUG is about to explode.]] http://uglyhill.com/d/20081215.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | (Reprints strip from 12/15/2005) / SNUG: You know I can't go backstage with you after the show, right? I gotta get home.
/ ELI: NO! COME ON! I CAN'T GO BY MYSELF! / SNUG: Why not? You're the one who likes this STUPID band so much!
/ ELI: Well, yeah, but...if you haven't noticed, I don't fit in too well with this crowd. / [[Sitting next to ELI is a huge, blue-haired monster with a Skulldrift tattoo and multiple piercings--largest of which is a thick metal bar that goes COMPLETELY THROUGH HIS HEAD, and which is tipped with little skulls.]] / SNUG: I dare you to do a chin-up on that guy's head pole.
/ ELI (terrified): SHUT UP! SHUT UP! http://uglyhill.com/d/20081216.html |
| Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth | (Reprints strip from 12/xx/2005.) / < http://uglyhill.com/d/20081217.html |
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