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Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[HASTINGS sits on a bench, arms folded, scowling.]] / LYDIA (offpanel): Your marriage track record is only a symptom of the larger disease. Take your most recent wife, Nora. / [[A black-and-white photo of NORA is projected onto the screen behind LYDIA and HASTINGS. LYDIA holds the switch for the projector.]] / LYDIA: Your stubborn refusal to remove yourself from under your mother's thumb and devote yourself to her drove her into the arms of your enemy. / HASTINGS: Correction: She hit my mother with a SNOW SHOVEL, so I divorced her back to the stone age! / LYDIA: You have blinders on, Hastings; you always have. You can't see the forest for the trees. / HASTINGS: Are you going to be quoting inspirational desk calendars all day, or will you be dispensing USEFUL information? / LYDIA: Moving on.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090217.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[The screen now shows a black-and-white photo of DAISY ELLINGTON.]] / LYDIA (offpanel): Daisy, your 7th wife. What do you think went wrong here? / HASTINGS (also offpanel): Her children drove a wedge between us. / LYDIA: No, you USED her children to drive a wedge between you, because you're selfish. / HASTINGS: Fine, but I LEARNED from that one! Remember? I LIKE those kids now! / LYDIA: You only like them because they're old enough to worship you and you don't have to live with them. When they were little and needed you to take care of them, you couldn't be bothered. / HASTINGS: I think God should have sent someone a little more objective to evaluate my failed marriages. / LYDIA: File a formal complaint. You'll receive an answer sometime in the next 3-4 eons.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090218.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth HASTINGS: BLUH...#6. That was an...AWKWARD situation... / LYDIA: You'll be happy to know they're now separated and living in Montana as Greek Orthodox nuns. / LYDIA: Had enough yet? / HASTINGS: Pfft! HARDLY! You're not telling me anything I don't already know! / HASTINGS: Yes, I'm selfish. I'm callous, black-hearted, and rude to service people. I refuse to sacrifice who I am just for the sake of companionship. / LYDIA: Fine, but marriage IS compromise, and you KEEP GETTING MARRIED. Why is that? / HASTINGS: Because I have too much love to give? / LYDIA (offpanel): That is incorrect.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090219.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[HASTINGS comes back into the room, drying his hands.]] / LYDIA: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! / HASTINGS: What? I needed a bathroom break! GET OFF ME! / LYDIA: I've been in there talking to myself for TEN minutes! I went over TWO marriages while you were gone! / HASTINGS: FEH. I'll get the Cliff's Notes. / LYDIA: I was just talking about this; LAZINESS! You'll work tirelessly for your career, but when it comes time to work on your relationship, you've always got more IMPORTANT things to do! / HASTINGS: Oh, really? Name ONE time when that's happened! / LYDIA: Wives #3 and #4 left because your refused to put down the toilet seat and pick your underwear up off the floor, respectively. / HASTINGS: HA! I said ONE! YOU LOSE, lady!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090220.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth LYDIA: This is it. The home stretch. Vivian, wife #2. / HASTINGS: Well, this one wasn't my fault. She turned out to be a screaming harpy, plain and simple. / LYDIA: YOU married her! She was EXACTLY like your mother, even down to her name! Another poor relationship choice influenced by your matriarchal obsession. / HASTINGS: Fine, fine. Whatever. Can I go now? Is that it? / LYDIA: One more to go. Your first wife, Hop-- / HASTINGS: NO! I don't have to take this from you! I'm DONE! / LYDIA: I seem to have struck a nerve. / HASTINGS (red all over, veins bulging, mouth wide as a subway tunnel): YOU DID NOT! SHUT UP! IF YOU WEREN'T ALREADY DEAD I'D KILL YOU!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090223.html
 
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth LYDIA: Hope Kilgore. Your first love. You were high school sweethearts, weren't you? / HASTINGS (glumly): You know we were. / [[Picture of HOPE on the screen.]] / LYDIA (offpanel): All the personality flaws we've reviewed so far, all the mistakes you've made, you made them all with her first. / LYDIA: Callous, lazy, unloving, selfish, rude...it's almost as if you threw everything you had at her in order to drive her away. / HASTINGS (sarcastically): Oh YEAH, that's EXACTLY what I did. / [[And just like that, it hits him.]] / HASTINGS: Oh...yeah. / That's exactly what I did. / LYDIA: Bam.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090224.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth HASTINGS: I guess I just couldn't believe someone as good as her would ever be married to me, so I did everything I could to test her. / [[HASTINGS strokes the screen, still showing HOPE'S picture.]] / HASTINGS: I acted on every impulse, pursued every boorish behavior, rationalizing that if she couldn't accept me as I was, then it wasn't meant to be. / HASTINGS: I drove her away, and I did it on purpose. By the time I realized what I was doing, it was too late. / LYDIA: It's never too late. / HASTINGS: It's too late for you and me. You're dead. / LYDIA: Well, she's not. I haven't seen her at any of the meetings.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090225.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth LYDIA: You don't have to die alone like your mother. You still have a chance to make things right, and I suggest you take it. / HASTINGS: Thank you, Lydia. I'm uh...I'm sorry for how I acted when we were married. / LYDIA: Don't worry about it. After you die, all your earthly grudges are collected by a machine, spun into cotton candy, and fed to poor kids at traveling carnivals. / HASTINGS: Wow, REALLY?! / [[LYDIA'S expression is about what you'd expect in response to that.]] / HASTINGS: Man, that priest was WAY off. / LYDIA (offpanel): Most of them are.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090226.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth ELI (offpanel): HASTINGS! Hastings, can you hear me? Wake up! / [[HASTINGS is lying across his mother's open casket. He wakes up.]] / HASTINGS: Huh? What? / ELI: Did you fall asleep in Mom's COFFIN?! Oh gross, her DEATH jewelry is all stuck to your face! / HASTINGS: Eli? ELI! Can you handle the rest of the guests? There's someone I have to go see! / ELI: Um, yeah. Okay... / We'll be fine here. / [[ELI stands beside the casket watching his mother's body intently---and cradling a baseball bat. Just in case she wakes up.]]
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090227.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[HOPE is at her office, checking her mail.]] / HOPE: Hi, Natalie. Did I get any messages when I was at lunch? / NATALIE: Your ex-husband called. 27 times. He says it's urgent. / HOPE (rolls eyes): Hastings called? Geez, I don't need this today. All right, I'll get back to him after my 1 o'clock. / {{For those who came in late, HOPE is a therapist.}} / [[HOPE is in her 1:00 session.]] / HOPE: Hi, Gary. How are we feeling today? Any progress? / GARY: I think so! That overwhelming feeling that someone is always watching me was less intense this week. / GARY: I'm feeling very positive. After all these years, I think I might FINALLY have a handle on this thing! / [[Behind him, we see HASTINGS pressed up against the window, staring wide-eyed into the office.]]
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090302.html
 
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth HOPE: What are you DOING out there?! Gary's been battling his paranoia for decades, and you just ruined all his hard work! / HASTINGS: I'm sorry, but I knew this was the only way you'd see me. / HOPE (offpanel): Can't argue with that. What do you want, Hastings? / HASTINGS: I've made a big mistake. / HOPE (not facing him): You've made a LOT of mistakes. Can you be more specific? / HASTINGS: Can we please stop the eye rolling and sarcasm? I seriously need to talk to you. / HOPE: How did you know I was rolling my eyes? / HASTINGS: When are you not rolling your eyes at me? When we first met I thought you were an epileptic.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090303.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth HOPE: Okay, so...Lydia's GHOST came to you in a dream and told you we should get re-married? / HASTINGS: She simply forced me to see what a huge mistake I'd made by letting you go. / HOPE: I'm going to pull out my pad now and prescribe you some very strong narcotics... / HASTINGS (offpanel): Hope, PLEASE! I've had an epiphany. / HASTINGS: I was a bad husband to you, no question about it. I know what I did wrong, and I want one last chance to get it right. / HOPE: This is INSANE. I do still care about you, but... / HASTINGS (hopeful smile): Did I mention my mother is dead? / HOPE: You have my attention.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090304.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[ELI arrives at HOPE's office.]] / ELI: Uh, hi. Is my brother here? Short, ugly guy? Big nose, strong sense of entitlement? / NATALIE: You mean Dr. Kilgore's ex? They're in her office right now. / ELI (panicky): Oh GOD, how did I know he was coming to see her? I need to get in there before he makes a fool of himself! / [[ELI opens the door to see HASTINGS down on one knee, showing HOPE a diamond ring.]] / HASTNGS: Hope, will you be my first...and LAST wife? / HOPE: YES! / ELI: Oh, come on! That is COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC!
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090305.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth ELI: After all my brother has put you through, how could you agree to marry him...AGAIN?! / HOPE: He's changed. / ELI: CHANGED?! Are you KIDDING me?! / HOPE: Before he came to see me, he turned down all the job offers he got from being on TV. / HASTINGS: Well, not ALL of them. Most were high-level corporate positions in other states, but I accepted the one offer that paid reasonably well, but wouldn't require long hours or take me away from home. / [[ELI reads HASTNGS' new business card.]] / ELI: "Hastings Kilgore: Regional Operations Manager of McDorsal's Hamburgers, Inc?" / HASTINGS: Would you like fries with that CROW?
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090306.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth [[Exterior of church, silhouetted against a sunny sky.]] / KARL: Hold still, boy. Your tie is crooked. / HASTINGS: Thank you. I'm...glad you're here. / [[Inside.]] / KARL: Of course I'm here! You're my son, and you know I always loved Hope. She was the best thing that ever happened to you. / HASTINGS: I wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't show up, after all the things I've said to you over the years. / KARL: Oh please, I've got skin like a rhino. You and I have always been like oil and water, but that doesn't mean I don't love you. / HASTINGS: *SIGH* I only wish Mother were alive to see this. / KARL (grins): Yeah, me too. If she were alive, this would've killed her.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090309.html
 
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth PETER: Mr. Kilgore, I just wanted to say good luck, or break a leg, or whatever you say at weddings. / HASTINGS: How about "Stay married for longer than five minutes?" / HASTINGS (offpanel): Speaking of which: You have the ring, right? / PETER: In the suitcase handcuffed to my wrist, just like you said. / HASTINGS: Good man. After eight "wacky weddings," I will NOT have this one degenerate into a SITCOM FARCE. / PETER: Ha ha, right. OH NO! All the ushers are secretly in love with the bride and the priest has a sawed-off shotgun stuffed down his pants! / HASTINGS (red-eyed): NEVER AGAIN.
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090310.html
Ugly Hill- A Daily Comic Strip by Paul Southworth FATHER LEIF: I now pronounce you... / FATHER LEIF (offpanel): ...monster and wife. / [[HASTINGS looks happier than we've ever seen him as he looks into HOPE's eyes. On the bride's side of the church, we see HOPE'S FATHER, who looks--skeptical. Yeah "skeptical" is about right. On the groom's side, we see ELI, KARL and PETER, who are the groomsmen. We also see GRANT SHERMAN, PESTILENCE MORESORROW, SNUG, MR. LADWIG, SAMANTHA MUDRICK, OLLIE THE JANITOR, HASTINGS' UNCLE JEFF, TOM WIPP, who is asleep, NORA CALLAHAN, who looks stricken, and ELLIOTT KRAUTHAMMER, who looks like he's waiting for the reception to start so the bar will be open.]]
http://uglyhill.com/d/20090311.html
a class="searchlink" href="http://uglyhill.com/d/20090919.html">http://uglyhill.com/d/20090919.html [untranscribed - please consider transcribing this comic!]

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