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| As Seen on the History Channel | "Come and look at the turd I just dropped!" yelled Anne Frank.
/ "Shut up you crazy bitch -- the Nazis will hear!"
/ "Let'em come and look -- it'll blow their minds! Jesus Christ, is that a hook in it?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/03/as-seen-on-history-channel.html |
| Gratuitous Pop Culture Reference | 8x10s of Justin Timberlake? How was she supposed to defend herself from Mitsuko with these? Sakura was beginning to think that Battle Royale was rigged. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/03/gratutious-pop-culture-reference.html |
| It Begins | "For God's sake, Timmy, stop it -- you know that monkey has AIDS!"
/ "Shut your bitch-hole -- I need this!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/03/it-begins.html |
| More Monkey Madness | As X32 tipped the sulphuric acid over Little Timmy, it became apparent that he was an Evil Monkey, like all of the Subjects before him. Even as she ran to gas him, Gracie knew that the experiments must continue. One day. One day... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/03/more-monkey-madness.html |
| Oh, Uncle Terry... | "You see this? This used to be a mountain gorilla. I crushed him down to the size of a rodent with a single squeeze of my Fist of Justice. Now I carry him around in my pocket. Any questions, bitches?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/03/oh-uncle-terry.html |
| The Simple Ones are the Best | "You're fat."
/ "Cunt." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/03/simple-ones-are-best.html |
| Those Wacky Luggage Fetishists | "That's right -- take my stick, you slutty little suitcase. Don't worry, I'll be done before the girls turn around, and then it'll be our little secret..." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/03/those-wacky-luggage-fetishists.html |
| Bertie: At it Again | "Yes, girls," thought Bertie as he fondled himself discretely, "break your lovely wind into my cap. Later tonight I shall wear it while we -- ooh..."
/ The old man didn't suspect a thing. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/bertie-at-it-again.html |
| Holy Crap | "Oh, hello, vicar. I've a dirty hoe? Well, it's a fork, but I suppose it is dirty, yes. Um... you do know your fly is open, don't you? Oh. Yes, you do." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/holy-crap.html |
| If it's Friday, it must be a Pirate Joke | "Arr... 'tis lucky for you we be homosexuals -- like all pirates -- or ye'd be satisfyin' the urges o' the entire crew right now. Instead, can ye tell us where ye purchased them delightful Mary Janes?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/if-its-friday-it-must-be-pirate-joke.html |
| In Keeping with the Season | "Gah! A symbol of Christ's resurrection! Save us, O Dark Lord!"
/ Satanists are pussies. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/in-keeping-with-season.html |
| Meanwhile, on the Nature Channel | The mother sparrow had returned -- regurgitated wood lice for everyone! http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/meanwhile-on-nature-channel.html |
| Now With Cruelty to Animals! | "Ha, ha!" / "Come a-long, Bun-ny!" / Peggy was a psychotic little bitch. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/now-with-cruelty-to-animals.html |
| OK, Fine | Whenever Grandpa came back from the Orient, the girls liked to play "Guess What Grandpa Contracted This Time" by examining the sexual residue caught in his moustache.
/ "Is it gonorrhoea?" asked Suzie.
/ Flora disagreed: "No, it's too clotted for that—some sort of herpes, perhaps?"
/ "I'm afraid you're... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/ok-fine.html |
| Owls. | Johnnie and Lisa's preserved corpses made perfect perches for the Professor's owlets. Those taxidermy lessons were worth every penny. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/owls.html |
| Spin the Black Circle | For Christ's sake -- another fucking lecture from Sally on how Raidohead "just gets it, you know?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/spin-black-circle.html |
| This Season's Look | Janice thought she was being especially daring with her choice of accessory -- what a surprise she would get when she arrived at the dance to find everyone was wearing concussed Protestant children... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/this-seasons-look.html |
| You Can't Improve on Perfection | I swear to God, I have not altered this image (or the text) in any way: / Dolly gave her a direct look and smiled somewhat queerly. / It's funny, because the word "queer" has changed in meaning over time from "strange" to "lesbian, gay or transgender"! And the hockeystick looks like a massive dildo. / Mock... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/04/you-cant-improve-on-perfection.html |
| Billy, Don't be a Hero | Polishing off the bottle of Bombay Sapphire may have dulled the memory of his visit to the headmaster's office, but Billy's skinned knees would bear mute testament to his experience for months to come. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/billy-dont-be-hero.html |
| Crash! | As the hog foetuses hit the floor, Timmy pounced from his kennel under the table. At least he might stop gnawing on that dead cat, but what will Her Ladyship use to keep her youthful looks now? http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/crash.html |
| Crisis of Conscience | No. No, I won’t do it. Seriously, no -- if you want a caption, how about this: / Horse Boxing always took it out of Jessie, but as her latest opponent fell into unconsciousness, she finally had time to settle down for a nap and think about how she would spend her prize money / Fine: horse fucking.... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/crisis-of-conscience.html |
| Double Hockeysticks | "Offside? Offside?! You take that back or I'll strangle this giant earthworm to death right here in front of its fucking children!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/double-hockeysticks.html |
| The Hills Have a Variety of Sensory Organs | Even with three legs to co-ordinate between them, the conjoined mutants quickly caught up with Ellie-Mae. Her death would be a painful one. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/hills-have-variety-of-sensory-organs.html |
| I Don't Believe in Organised Religion | "See this? That's right -- I gave blood this morning!"
/ "Gah -- Altruism! Rand protect us!"
/ The Junior Libertarians turned and fled. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/i-dont-believe-in-organised-religion.html |
| Meanwhile, Down the Shops | "Look at it -- I'm pretty sure a wart's not supposed to glow like that. Do you think it could be cancer, girls?"
/ "Just shut up and sell us some tampons, warty." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/meanwhile-down-shops.html |
| Misadventures in Modern Medicine | As you can see, ladies, the partial lobotomy was a complete success and our horrible secret remains safe. Now all we need to worry about from Nancy here is the occasional involuntary bowel movement. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/misadventures-in-modern-medicine.html |
| Oh! Uncle Terry! | "I present to you Archibald. This little mustelid has been inserted into the rectums of world leaders across the globe, and has returned bearing exotic spices and tales the likes of which you've never heard."
/ Uncle Terry was quite dangerously full of shit sometimes. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/oh-uncle-terry.html |
| On the Playground | "You're not fooling anyone Doris; you're not walking an invisible dog, you're just fucked in the head." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/on-playground.html |
| A Simpler Time | Something different for you today: Here's an original caption -- you can supply your own mental image. / "Father?" ejaculated George. "But Dad died years ago." Hetty gulped. The imposter she had hired had made a bad mistake. / Ah, for the days when "Father?" "ejaculate" and "gulp" could appear in the... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/simpler-time.html |
| Those Wacky Suitcase Bombers | As Miss Grimshaw sent the girls away, Bertie got to work defusing the suitcase bomb. Poking it with a stick probably wasn't the best way to go, but hey -- worst case scenario, it goes off and everyone is purified by the cleansing fire. Praise Jesus! http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/those-wacky-suitcase-bombers.html |
| Ain't No Racism Like Junior Racism | Annie's new My First Anti-Semite Kit was a little less sophisiticated than she was expecting. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/aint-no-racism-like-junior-racism.html |
| God Save the Queen | They were happiest and most polite zombies Christine had ever met, even asking nicely if she wouldn't mind being torn apart and devoured. Of course, when she said "no" they did anyway, but at least they made the effort, which is more than most zombies wil do these days.l http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/god-save-queen.html |
| He likes little cakes -- Na-a-a! | "Damn it, ladies -- I'm not dead! Stop eating my little cakes!"
/ "Oh, don't listen to Henry -- that's just the zombification. I'll be destroying his brain presently, don't you worry." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/he-likes-little-cakes-na-a.html |
| Meanwhile, in the Drawing Room | "I'm sorry -- 'spankerchief'? I don't get it." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/meanwhile-in-drawing-room.html |
| Nothing to do with the World Cup | "Sweet -- that's a spare!"
/ "Son of a bitch -- those were my two best midgets!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/nothing-to-do-with-world-cup.html |
| Obvious Week: It Begins | The monkey tips fluid on little boy's head. Fluid is semen maybe yes. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/obvious-week-it-begins.html |
| Obvious Week: It Cannot be Stopped | "This is a gerbil. I put it in my buttocks. For the sex." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/obvious-week-it-cannot-be-stopped.html |
| Obvious Week: It Gathers Pace | "I sure am glad I fucked that horse," said the horse fucker. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/obvious-week-it-gathers-pace.html |
| Obvious Week: It Will Not Die | Something about fisting. With, like, Vaseline. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/obvious-week-it-will-not-die.html |
| Obvious Week: It's Over. Hush Now, it's Over. | Blowjobs. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/obvious-week-its-over-hush-now-its.html |
| Sex and Death (bots) | These sexbots were the worst yet -- their stiff movements and cold, dead eyes made it utterly impossible for Timothy to achieve an erection. With a sigh, he reached for the Self Destruct button... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/sex-and-death-bots.html |
| Those Kids and their Brainworms... | As the brainworms began to make their presence felt, Sally turned up the gramophone to maks Lucy's unpleasant screaming. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/those-kids-and-their-brainworms.html |
| Why Pirates? They Just Arrrr... | "Well, they don't call me 'Long' John because of my enormous penis! No. No, wait -- that's exactly why they call me 'Long' John. Shit. Ask me what my name is again.''
/ "But I didn't ask you what your name was..." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/why-pirates-they-just-arrrr.html |
| You can tell it's not a pillowfight, because they're not in their underwear | Glenys pulled as hard as she could, but the pillow wouldn't come off Dora's face. It looked like getting the plate off Mabel's head might be trickier than they thought as well -- curse Bertie and his 'superglue'! http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/you-can-tell-its-not-pillowfight.html |
| Back in the Attic | Unfortunately, Anne chose to vomit through the trapdoor instead of out the window. Sucks to be Uncle and Auntie. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/back-in-attic.html |
| Ew. | Old person sex is gross. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/ew.html |
| Hello, Nurse | Now, some people will say you should warm the speculum first. But those people are drug addicts and Communists. Well come one, then -- oh, so now you can keep your knees together. Trollop. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/hello-nurse.html |
| Mock the Corpulent | I smoke a fat pound of grass and fall on my ass
/ faster than a fat bitch who sat down too fast. / Billy, Eminem is looking at you. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/mock-corpulent.html |
| Moments in Secret History | "Stop him -- that donkey just shot JFK!"
/ But they were too slow -- Binky escaped and a nation cried out for blood. Oswald would never know that he'd been sent down by a fucking quadruped. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/moments-in-secret-history.html |
| A New Sub-species of Hero | Kid Akimbo and Flatulence Girl -- together, they fight crime! / Seriously -- that kid is like the Platonic Ideal of "standing akimbo". Print this picture out and keep it, so that if anyone ever asks you "Akimbo? What does that mean?" you can show them and say "That's what akimbo means, Jack! No, I don't... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/new-sub-species-of-hero.html |
| Pointy | After a freak embroidery accident resulted in his hands being sewn permanently into his pockets, Timmy was forced to point out objects using only his groin.
/ "Clock!"
/ Yes, that's nice Timmy. Back in the kennel. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/pointy.html |
| Reality TV is Just Plain Wrong | "So, we stay tied up, and the first person who needs to go to the toilet loses."
/ "Ha ha, what a lark! I had a large glass of water just before coming here, though -- I fear I shall be the first to be untied."
/ "Oh, they don't untie you."
/ "Ah. This show is going to be huge in Japan!' http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/reality-tv-is-just-plain-wrong.html |
| Those Wacky Nazi Cowgirls | Old Zeke thought he had the upper hand - little did he know that that Ilsa's jodhpurs contained a pair of deadly attack marmosets, trained by Hitler himself. A few seconds later, there wasn't enough of Zeke left to fill an inkwell, and the She-Wolf of the Old West lived to further her unholy ambitio... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/those-wacky-nazi-cowgirls.html |
| Another Friend of the Bible | In his youth, Moses suffered from gender identity issues, but his sense of theater remained undiminished. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/08/another-friend-of-bible.html |
| Fact of Life | This is your girlfriend, telling everyone she knows how long your penis is. She does this every time you leave the room. Every time. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/08/fact-of-life.html |
| Gratuitous Pop Culture Reference #∞ | Early drafts of The Princess Bride saw Buttercup in an abusive lesbian relationship with "Wendty".
/ Westley was introduced after it was decided that "as you wish" made a better catchphrase than "no more lip from you, bitch." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/08/gratuitous-pop-culture-reference.html |
| Icke, Icke, Baby | Even in the tranquility of her vegetable garden, Suzie couldn't help but glance over her shoulder from time to time, to make sure the Evil Reptilians who Run the World weren't coming for her. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/08/icke-icke-baby.html |
| Obscure Pop Culture Reference | Five foot nine -- turns out they do stack shit that high. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/08/obscure-pop-culture-reference.html |
| Death to Them All | "That's right, fellows - run to safety while I dispatch this taurine behemoth with my Vorpal Sceptre!"
/ Timmy's dead now. Stupid fucking LARPer. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/death-to-them-all.html |
| Gratuitous Pop Culture Reference #D | Alzheimers eventually took its toll on Indy.
/ "But if that's my whip in the basket, then what... Aw, shitcakes." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/gratuitous-pop-culture-reference-d.html |
| Hardcore: like Emocore, but hard | The hardcore match reached new levels of excitement when Kid Jailbait nailed El Porco with a flying elbow from the grand piano. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/hardcore-like-emocore-but-hard.html |
| Hellooo, Nurse! | I don't know why you're so worried about a bump on the knee -- those two behind you don't have any noses, for Christ's sake. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/hellooo-nurse.html |
| Hermaphrodastic! | Pretty man or flat-chested woman? Grace had no way of telling. Best to just concentrate on polishing the silverware, she decided. Sensing her thoughts, the stranger self-consciously covered his/her genitals to ward off further inspection http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/hermaphrodastic.html |
| I Am Returned | The trip to Amsterdam was going well until Ermintrude got The Fear. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/i-am-returned.html |
| If it's Friday, it must be a Cthulhu Joke | Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn! http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/if-its-friday-it-must-be-cthulhu-joke.html |
| Intrepid Medicine and Wrong Science | "Comfortable? Then we'll get things going here..."
/ "Um, are you sure you're a real doctor?"
/ "Darling, I'm not even a real woman." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/intrepid-medicine-and-wrong-science.html |
| Meanwhile, in a Tree | "January 5: Have been stuck up tree for 13 days now. Surviving on dew sucked from tree moss. Have soiled self repeatedly.
/ Father and Uncle Bill occasionally come out to taunt me with ladder. Bastards." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/meanwhile-in-tree.html |
| Moments in the History of Gender Reassignment | Before trachea shaving surgery became available, back-alley Adam's apple reduction procedures were commonplace. Many lives were lost. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/moments-in-history-of-gender.html |
| Moments in the History of Prosthesis | On days like these, when her palm calluses started playing up, Anthea wished she'd just been given a wheelchair like the rest of the cripples. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/moments-in-history-of-prosthesis.html |
| OK, OK, I Thought of One | "Damn it, Jim -- I know you hate these time travel capers, but there's no need to take it out on defenceless Tribbles!"
/ "Can it, Bones -- they're playing the fight music. En garde, bitch."
/ Da da DA DA DA DA DA DA da-da... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/ok-ok-i-thought-of-one.html |
| Porcanthropy | "Werepig! WEREPIG! Save yourselves, men -- I'll hold him off as long as I can!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/09/porcanthropy.html |
| Blast from the Past | "Damn body snatchers -- can't a girl even finish her mural without you bastards making that racket at me?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/blast-from-past.html |
| Cruelty to Accents | Gentlemen gangsters Rory and "Shooter" McCready were largely unsuccessful in their attempts to extract protection money from local potplants:
/ "Cough up the fahking dosh, you leafy cahnt!"
/ "I 'ope the rest of you shrubs is watching this -- see what 'appens to vegetation wot finks it's 'ard. Let 'im... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/cruelty-to-accents.html |
| Enigmatic | The world would never know exactly what put a grin like that on Bertie's face. Mrs' Scrimshaw's otters were never seen again, though. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/enigmatic.html |
| Friday I'm in Love | It's Friday and I really can't be bothered. Especially when they make it this easy for me: / I'm thinking I may have to have a sequel to Obvious Week: No Comment Week. I have a few images like this one, where the only suitable caption would be a sardonically raised eyebrow -- do they have a smiley for... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/friday-im-in-love.html |
| In Transit | Imogene's auto-perambulator could transport her children at considerable speed, regardless of wind resistance. Perhaps that was why they were so apocalyptically ugly. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/in-transit.html |
| Moments in the History of Dirty Fucking Hippies | Nicholas "Moonchylde" Notegood is generally recognised as the world's first hippy. Records from several centuries ago indicate that he would dress as a shrub to protest local tree-felling. Authorities of the time ordered him to "minister to thy locks and take up a respectable trade." And then tortured... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/moments-in-history-of-dirty-fucking.html |
| Smutty Innuendo | Timmy wasn't sure why Janice was annoyed at him -- he'd "come through her trapdoor" like she asked, hadn't he? Chicks... / Well, that was needlessly vulgar. As an added bonus, the original caption for that picture: / "Presently he was descending into the bowels of the earth." / Heh heh... "bowels... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/smutty-innuendo.html |
| There's a pun involving the word "Leaky" in here somewhere, but I'm buggered if I can find it | Finally -- a genuine sighting of the suburban ape-girls of Little Dorking! A couple of well-aimed tranquiliser darts, and Lucy would be the darling of the Dorking Anthropological Society. Pushing visions of glory aside, she steadied her nerve and raised the blowpipe... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/theres-pun-involving-word-leaky-in.html |
| Timmy Points Again | "Look, Mummy -- the risen Christ! And he's brought my new kidney!"
/ "That sounds like the brain tumours talking, Timmy. Back in the kennel." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/timmy-points-again.html |
| Timmy Points... for the Last Time | "Look, Mummy -- it's raining testicles!"
/ "You're having dirty thoughts again, aren't you, Timmy? Back in the autoclave." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/timmy-points-for-last-time.html |
| Timmy Points | "Look, Mummy -- killer bees! Thousands of them!"
/ "Don't point Timmy -- pointing gives you cancer."
/ "But..."
/ "Cancer. Back in the cupboard." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/10/timmy-points.html |
| Back! In Glorious Technicolour! | Say how big it is! SAY HOW BIG IT IS!! http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/11/back-in-glorious-technicolour.html |
| C is for Charlie | Nadine was quick to cover the track marks, but forgot that she'd left some of her gear on the table. Busted! http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/11/c-is-for-charlie.html |
| Hitler Joke: Check | Young Adolf's singing career never got off the ground after his mother caught him rehearsing in her bedroom. However, pop music's loss was genocide's gain... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/11/hitler-joke-check.html |
| Norse Gods in Love | "Gosh, Odin - you look positively dreamy without your beard. Back to my place?"
/ Scene from the upcoming romantic comedy "Who's Your Allfather?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/11/norse-gods-in-love.html |
| Pharmaceuticals | The new drugs made Angie so very happy. The voices were still there -- the angry, hurting voices like needless hammered into her skull, but she was JUST! SO! HAPPEEEE! http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/11/pharmaceuticals.html |
| Satanism: It ain't easy, folks | "OK, so now you slash its throat. No, its throat. Its thr - no, don't drown it! For fuck's sake boys, do any of you actually have a knife? Why do I fucking bother?"
/ The sacrifice turned into a complete shambles. The Dark Prince would not be pleased. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/11/satanism-it-aint-easy-folks.html |
| Speaking of Evil Masterminds... | Doris tried her best to look intimidated, but "Professor Derek" was simply the worst evil mastermind she'd ever encountered. A puppy? Everyone knew it was meant to be a long-haired cat. It was all she could do to stop herself from humming "See my vest, see my vest..." under her breath. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/11/speaking-of-evil-masterminds.html |
| You Were All Thinking It | Hermione's lesbian orgy in the final Harry Potter book was blamed for the worldwide tissue shortage of 2007. Half the world's remaining rain forests were felled to cope. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/11/you-were-all-thinking-it.html |
| All Your Horse Fucking Are Belong to Us | Yatta! http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/12/all-your-horse-fucking-are-belong-to-us.html |
| Improper Toughts | Being a proper gentlemen, the sight of a young woman's exposed forearm was enough to inflame Bertie's ardour quite dangerously. Thinking quickly, he stabbed himself in the groin with his walking stick. That'll deal to those improper thoughts -- well done, Bertie! / Once again, I don't know if I've actually... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/12/improper-thoughts.html |
| Merry Japery | "Just kidding! Mother didn't really die of AIDS, she's just down the shops! Fuck, I'm funny..." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/12/merry-japery.html |
| Raise the Roofies | Homosexual drug rape being a fairly uncommon occurrence, a 'how to' manual was needed for the benefit of anyone who was thinking of giving it a go. / Note to small children: Drugging people and raping them is generally a bad thing and you shouldn't do it. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/12/raise-roofies.html |
| Uncomfortable Silence | "Yes, I admit it - I was in ur base, killing ur doods. I'm... not proud of it, but it happened."
/ Basil was stunned. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/12/uncomfortable-silence.html |
| Wasn't this an episode of Mythbusters? | Nancy danced for joy - now Grandpa would finally get to heaven! What was left of him after the herpes, anyway. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/12/wasnt-this-episode-of-mythbusters.html |
| Back in Black and White | Lack of exposure to women caused some odd fetishes among the public school boys:
/ "Righto, chums -- let's get this dirty wee slut-board back to our rooms for a group funting! Coming, Bertie?"
/ "No thanks, lads -- I'm going to spend some time with this cheeky little easel..." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/01/back-in-black-and-white.html |
| From the Latest Foetuswear Catalogue: | Mabel had been saving her pennies -- soon she would have enough to get the conjoined foetus removed. Until then, the least she could do was dress it up pretty. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/01/from-latest-foetuswear-catalogue.html |
| Genre Parody | "Who the fuck is this?"
/ "It's cool -- Josie sent me."
/ "Bullshit -- this is a fucking setup! I smell bacon -- you a cop, bitch?"
/ "Hey, fuck you! I got your shit right here. Now are you going to tell the twins to put down their racquets so we can do some business or what?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/01/genre-parody.html |
| It Doesn't Just Give You Cancer | "Don't point, boy -- how do you think I lost this eye?"
/ "You started it."
/ "What do you -- oh. Quite. Curse these snug-fitting antiquated swimming trunks..." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/01/it-doesnt-just-give-you-cancer.html |
| It should be clear by now that I'm shit at thinking up titles | "Sure, society may call me the Smelly Retarded Boy, lock me up and throw things at me in passing, but when you stop and think about it, who is the real retard here? Me... or you?"
/ "No, I'm pretty sure it's you." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/01/it-should-be-clear-by-now-that-im-shit.html |
| A Slayer's Work is Never Done | Bertie would come to regret his choice of moustache style after a chance encounter with Buffy the Brazilian Hitler Clone Slayer.
/ "Look Willow -- another one! Good thing I brought Mr. Clubby!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/01/slayers-work-is-never-done.html |
| What's on the Nature Channel? | Observe now the eternal struggle between the monkey and its natural enemy: two dogs. The battle will be long and bloody, but only one side will be dining on that delicious baby tonight. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/01/whats-on-nature-channel.html |
| The Bird is Dead | "Live! Live, I say! I am the resurrection, damn you!"
/ "It's still not moving - you're not Jesus at all, are you?"
/ "What? No, I am! I did the water-into-urine thing perfectly, remember?"
/ "Yeah, about that..." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/02/bird-is-dead.html |
| Bonus Material | To provide a break from the usual hilarity, I present: a completely different kind of hilarity! / It's been a long while indeed since I did one of these -- in a mind-blowing reversal of the natural order of things, here's an original caption that deserves a new picture, or perhaps an expanded narrative... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/02/bonus-material.html |
| Doreen Smash! | The rage subsided and Doreen returned to her normal self.
/ "Gosh, sorry to worry you all like that. But I don't understand -- I have all my hair still, so why am I carrying this wig?"
/ "Oh, that's just the scalp of some gypsy woman you killed."
/ "Well that's a relief." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/02/doreen-smash.html |
| Insert Pun on the Word "Clubbing" | Gordon was relieved -- he'd arrived before the club bunnies could drop their party pills and start another rave in the greenhouse. There'd be no need for fatal beatings -- this time. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/02/insert-pun-on-word-clubbing.html |
| Nature Can Be Cruel | "Look, Daisy -- another rape victim!"
/ "Poor thing. We should help."
/ "No, no. If we touch it, the mother won't want it back." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/02/nature-can-be-cruel.html |
| Oh Captain, My Captain! | "Grr! Graaagh!"
/ It was useless - sir was off on his King Kong impression again. If the boys wanted to learn anything they'd have to conduct their own classes. Smiling at the thought of contemplating Demosthenes and quadratic equations, they carried of the blackboard to set up in the gym... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/02/oh-captain-my-captain.html |
| Robots are Dicks | In the future androids will rule, and the few remaining human women will be hounded though the streets while the robot population messes with them. Fucking robots. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/02/robots-are-dicks.html |
| Unnecessary Profanity (The Best Kind) | "Ha ha! Told you girls can't play cricket. It's against God's will."
/ "Can it, chimp-boy. You're half chimp and your mother fucked a chimp."
/ It was true, but she didn't need to say it. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/02/unnecessary-profanity-best-kind.html |
| Upstairs, Downstairs | "Here, Jeeves - as a reward for all your hard work and loyalty, I give you... cheese."
/ But there was no cheese. Jeeves died a little inside. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/02/upstairs-downstairs.html |
| Bertie, Mabel and Mary Jane | Bertie turned up the volume and drifted into that sweet Jamaican bliss. Mabel was long dead, but he didn't give a shit -- time for KFC... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/03/bertie-mabel-and-mary-jane.html |
| The Bird is Dead -- or IS IT? | "…but if you’ll do me the honour of accepting my hand in marriage, I swear I’ll devote my life to making your every dream come true. Oh, do say you will…"
/ "Oh, Bertie, you’ve made me the happiest chaffinch alive! Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" *swoon*
/ The others thought... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/03/bird-is-dead-or-is-it.html |
| The Bird is Still Dead | "This bird... it knows stuff."
/ "It's like, it's like it's seen things we'll never see."
/ "Sing your secrets to us, winged sage - ka-kaw! Ka-kaw!"
/ "Guys, I am so fucking blazed right now." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/03/bird-is-still-dead.html |
| Blood on the Blackboard | "So now if we look at the gerund-"
/ The door flew open.
/ "It's a participle, bitch."
/ Josie had returned to reclaim her place at the head of the grammar study group! The twins shifted nervously -- things were about to turn nasty, but they would make sure that any blood spilled would not be theirs... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/03/blood-on-blackboard.html |
| Ooer, Missus! | "My, that's an impressive weapon - it puts me in mind of your penis. Would you care for sexual intercourse?"
/ Due to budget cutbacks, the writers of the Carry On series were forced to pare their jokes down to single entendres. Carry On Up My Arse was a commercial and critical failure. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/03/ooer-missus.html |
| Chimp Justice | The Professor thought that the park was an ideal grooming location, but he hadn't reckoned on Bimpo the Vigilante Chimp. His throwing darts found their mark, and within moments both paedophile and prey were paralyzed from the eyeballs down. Bimpo smiled and returned to the trees. He'd leave this for... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/03/take-that-pedants.html |
| That's Not How It Works... | The girls had succeeded in trapping the evolutionist up a tree.
/ "What's the matter, Darwin-lover? Why don't you just evolve some wings and fly away?"
/ She'd have to come down some time, and when she did they'd show her God's love. By beating fuck out of her, obviously. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/03/thats-not-how-it-works.html |
| Behind You! | A sudden noise made Bertie look around. Was it Marjorie? Had she finally come to seek revenge for the sodium in her catheter bag? Adjusting his attack trousers up another notch, he moved to investigate... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/04/behind-you.html |
| The Bestiary Expands | "OK, you'll like this one: A seal, a kangaroo and a cow walk into a bar, and the -- oh. Ooh, this is awkward..." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/04/bestiary-expands.html |
| Foursome | "Yes, fine - I forgot to wear pants. Happens to everyone. You can stop staring."
/ But they couldn't stop. First Brian began to slide his hands into his pockets, then Dora. Things were getting uncomfortable. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/04/foursome.html |
| Step Right Up | The worst part of working in the circus sideshow was all the jokes about balls flying at their faces. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/04/step-right-up.html |
| "Up" | Not content with providing compelling genetic evidence for evolution, the godless liberal apes began performing abortions on demand. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/04/up.html |
| When Good Science Goes Bad | "They all laughed, but my robot Granny will show them -- isn't that right, Granbot01?"
/ TARGET ACQUIRED. UMBRELLA ENGAGED. ADMINSTER RECTAL TRAUMA.
/ "No, Granbot, not me - I am your master!"
/ ADMINSTER RECTAL TRAUMA!!
/ "Nooooooo!!!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/04/when-good-science-goes-bad.html |
| *CRACK* | Bertie had taken all he could stand of Heather's comments about his fuzzy coat. He snapped her neck like a dry twig and was out the door before her body hit the ground. A new life waited for him in Mexico -- he wouldn't need his hat and umbrella there. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/crack.html |
| The Creeping Horror | They'd only been talking to the mysterious stranger for a few minutes, and already the Tweed had infected Melanie's scarf. In a few weeks, it had spread to cover half the country. The world was doomed. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/creeping-horror.html |
| Gratutitous Pop Culture Reference, I Guess | "YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!" bellowed Uncle.
/ Fortunately, they were talking about Shaft, so he could dig it. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/gratutitous-pop-culture-refernce-i.html |
| Menstrurific! | "Right, into the Red Lodge with you -- can't have you blighting the crops with your feminine taint!"
/ "Don't be stupid -- I'm not due for another two weeks. And this isn't a Red Lodge, it's the cupboard under your stairs!"
/ "Quiet, Leaky. I'll be back with some rags in a while."
/ *SLAM* http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/menstrurific.html |
| Obvious Week II: It's Back and It's Pissed Off | "I certainly do enjoy the bottom-sex." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/obvious-week-ii-its-back-and-its-pissed.html |
| Obvious Week II: Just When You Thought It Was Safe | My, what a big pussy.
/ (The humour of this statement consists in the fact that "pussy" is a word for cat and also for woman bits.) http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/obvious-week-ii-just-when-you-thought.html |
| Obvious Week II: Obvious Harder | Something about fisting. With, like, shortening. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/obvious-week-ii-obvious-harder.html |
| Obvious Week II: This Time, It's Personal | "Spanking the monkey" means wanking. You find this humouous. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/obvious-week-ii-this-time-its-personal.html |
| Oh, That Ruffles... | "Middle East tension, economic crises, domestic violence... this is all terrible, Ruffles!"
/ "Yes. Puts what I'm about to do in perspective, doesn't it?"
/ "I suppose. But does it have to be in front of mother?"
/ "Yes, Timmy. Yes it dones." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/oh-that-ruffles.html |
| *sigh* | "Oh, drug-induced hallucinatory animals -- you're all the friends I have."
/ "You probably shouldn't have molested all those children, then." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/sigh.html |
| Vrooom! | The twins were about sick of Spain's shit. Pamplona was going to play by thei rrules for once. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/05/vrooom.html |
| Adventures in Aural Wellbeing | Bertie readied his auriscope and approached the unsuspecting target...
/ "SURPISE EAR TEST!"
/ "Gah, fuck! You scared the shit outta me, man! Ah, I've dropped my tommy gun - it's gonna have mud all over it now!"
/ "Sorry, pal, but at Mafia Medical we keep you on your toes. You're gonna love the prostate... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/06/adventures-in-aural-wellbeing.html |
| The Case for the Defence | "Go on then, jump in. You won't, you big puss.' 'Fuck off, I'm doing it! I am!' 'Puss. You're a fucking puss. What's that, puss? What's that? 'Meow?' All I hear is 'meow.' What, do you want some milk? A mouse to play with? Is that what you want, puss? Those are some stylish boots you're wearing, puss.... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/06/case-for-defence.html |
| A Cautionary Tale | "AIIEE! The pixies are flying their tiny plane into my armpit!"
/ The dangers of masturbation #17: Loss of depth perception coupled with belief in pixies. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/06/cautionary-tale.html |
| Contrition | "That's right -- you sit there and you think about what you did. When you're ready to apoligise, I'll give you back your nose." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/06/contrition.html |
| Dancin' to Some Chin Music | "Bertie, wait - he's just an old man with a cane!"
/ "Old man with a cane, Timmy? Or hidden assassin of the Illuminati? Let's ask Mr. THROAT PUNCH!"
/ "He's... he's not moving, Bertie."
/ "He's hibernating - bears do that all the time."
/ "Bear? I though he was a-"
/ "Look, do I need an excuse to assault... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/06/dancin-to-some-chin-music.html |
| The Game is a Foot | "...and the Lord said 'Let there be no light!"
/ In the darkness and confusion that followed, our plucky protagonist was able to escape from the clutches of the secular humanists to continue his investigation. Tune in next week for more adventures of Sherlock Jesus, Teen Detective! http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/06/game-is-foot.html |
| Meanwhile, on the Sci-Fi Channel | Tune in every week for the adventures of Rodney the Pantless Space Mountie! Thrill to his exploits as he fights against dastardly space communists on the surface of Mars and contracts other-worldly social diseases from five-nippled Venusian prostitues! In tonight's episode: A suggestive pun on the word... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/06/meanwhile-on-sci-fi-channel.html |
| Obvious Week II: The Obviousening | Rapedog. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/06/obvious-week-ii-obviousening.html |
| The Ties That Bind | "Strange... I'm sure I can hear a rhythmic slapping sound, as though hundreds of adolescent boys seated in front of computers were masturbating at the same time. Must be my imagination. Ah well, back to writhing and struggling against my bonds, my heaving bosom straining against the cruel ties that confine... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/06/ties-that-bind.html |
| Available Now! | The DeskMonkey Stationery Storage System, a wonder of the modern age! Thelma and Betty couldn't wait to see the model that Miss Battersby had installed in her office. Upon arriving they found Bertie had already dislocated his jaw from gaping in amazement at its magnificence. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/07/available-now.html |
| *Here's* the Narnia Reference... | Eventually, Aslan's Turkish Delight addiction began to cause problems:
/ "I fucking need it, Lucy! Just one? Come on, damn it -- I'm Jesus! Give Jesus what he needs..." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/07/heres-narnia-reference.html |
| Kiss My ASIMO | "Wheels for legs, a dustbin for a body and a dead hobo for a brain -- you're going to be the best robot ever!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/07/kiss-my-asimo.html |
| Knock Knock | "Hi, we're the Bicurious Plumbers -- we've come to check out your pipes..."
/ Living in the Land of Porn wasn't so great. Sometimes all Jeeves wanted was to just get the fucking toilet fixed. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/07/knock-knock.html |
| Mock the Visually Impaired | In order to cover for the fact that she had no eyes, Ursula tried stunts like pretending to use a mirror, but the other girls weren't fooled -- they rightfully mocked her for the freak she was. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/07/mock-visually-impaired.html |
| On the Internet, No-one Can Hear You Yif | All Bertie wanted was to explore Second Life in peace as a Cockney chimney sweep, but the ever-increasing hordes of catgirls made this impossible. He was forced to hire a protector, whose 'fees' eventually became an even worse torment. But by then it was too late... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/07/on-internet-no-one-can-hear-you-yif.html |
| Red Rag | As his friends ran to safety, Timmy prepared put his strategy into action: Using his umbrella to guard against splashback, he would douse the vampire bull in holy water, and as it writhed in pain, he would drive his stake deep into its heart, then step back and watch with an air of satisfaction as it... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/07/red-rag.html |
| Revisionist History | In the early years of WWII, the allies launched Operation Pickles: a covert attempt to infiltrate Germany and assassinate Hitler. Unfortunately, due to a simple miscommunication, the mission resulted in comprehensive failure.
/ "What? You meant soldiers disguised as schoolgirls? Bugger. Ah well, scrape... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/07/revisionist-history.html |
| Smutty Innuendo Redux | "What do you mean, 'from here I should be able to tell if the carpet matches the drapes?' You have polished wood floors."
/ Timmy didn't know how right he was. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/07/smutty-innuendo-redux.html |
| Darque = Wanque | "What do you think you're doing, Jeeves, disturbing me on my death bed?'"
/ "Sir, I keep telling you: calling it your 'death bed' isn't going to help you score goth chicks." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/08/darque-wanque.html |
| From the Mouths of Babes | "Daddy's tumour is thiiis big!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/08/from-mouths-of-babes.html |
| Gratuitous Pop Culture Reference #Some | As suggested by RSJS during the collection of moments in between movie viewing and large pies that we half-heartedly refer to as "real life" -- pick the Gratutitous Pop Culture Reference that most appeals to you:
/ "Fuck you, Skywalker!"
/ "Fuck you, Ash!"
/ "Fuck you, Thing!"
/ And that's the end of th... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/08/gratuitous-pop-culture-reference-some.html |
| He Did It With Monkeys, You Know | The young Lord Greystoke knuckled onto the table and employed his rudimentary tool-using skills against the source of his displeasure.
/ "Ngawa! Tarzan smash tiny sun!"
/ "Damn it, who let him off his lead -- you know how he fears technology!' http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/08/he-did-it-with-monkeys-you-know.html |
| Important Announcement | Children! The New Zealand flatworm is an introduced pest in the UK. Do not take one home and surreptitiously feed it table scraps until it grows to an enormous size. That's just what the Communists want. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/08/important-announcement.html |
| The Monkey Fluids Film Review | The casting of Spiderman 4 caused some controversy, but in the end everyone agreed -- it wasn't like the films could get any more shit. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/08/monkey-fluids-film-review.html |
| The Past Had it Coming | Time once again to derive comedy mileage from the mundane fact that words don't quite mean what they used to sometimes: / "It looks as if she's just made a hole and stuck this thing, whatever it is, in. But it's a crazy thing to do. She must be a bit queer."
/ "Don!" ejaculated Susan, horrified. / This... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/08/past-had-it-coming.html |
| Pesky Exothermic Reactions... | When small children proved unable to quell the blaze, Debbie thought of throwing buckets of water on it instead, and modern fire fighting was born. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/08/pesky-exothermic-reactions.html |
| Platitude Dog | In Japanese mythology, Kimarimonkuinu is the canine spirit of tired clichés. In this depiction we see him bounding through the undergrowth, having successfully bitten the hand that feeds him, now looking for a manger to lie in or some new tricks to fail to learn. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/08/platitude-dog.html |
| Violence to Gonads | Just watch it -- I've got nine throwing daggers here, one for each of your ovaries!"
/ "But..."
/ "One for each of your ovaries four times! And then one of them another time!!"
/ "Seriously, you need to work on that threat, it's -- gah! My ovaries!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/08/violence-to-gonads.html |
| Après Nous, le Déluge | Captain Jake smiled to himself. Two of every kind? Bugger off. With three breeding pairs and a couple of dogs for "company", he'd have the planet repopulated in no time, without spending forty days knee deep in elephant shit. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/09/aprs-nous-le-dluge.html |
| From One Cult to Another | "Sweet Christ, a shoggoth!"
/ "I'm pretty sure it's a monkey."
/ "An eldritch monkey, bringing with it foul portents of chthonic entities and squamous doom's approach from beyond the stars?"
/ "No, just a monkey. Why?"
/ "Um... no reason." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/09/from-one-cult-to-another.html |
| Geek Bait | The Hipster class was a surprise addition to the Wrath of the Lich King expansion. Able to equip armour from the Polo Neck and Plaid categories, their +5 bonus against Modern Jazz made them a popular choice with new and experienced players alike. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/09/geek-bait.html |
| Hail Xenu! | Fortunately, Jeeves was able to stall the Scientologists long enough for Lord Xenu to slip out the back way. Close one, though. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/09/hail-xenu.html |
| If Only It Were True | The Harry Potter/Terminator fan fiction never really caught on. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/09/if-only-it-were-true.html |
| More Geek Humour (Been Reading XKCD) | "No sounds's coming out of my iPod. Help me fix it. Pleeease?"
/ "Jesus Christ, woman -- what part of RTFM don't you understand?"
/ "Um... I gues..."
/ "Fucking. The F stands for Fucking." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/09/more-geek-humour-been-reading-xkcd.html |
| Quick, While It's Still Almost Topical | "You're throwing me out of the common room for not tucking in my tie? This is mildly unfair!"
/ "THIS! IS! SPARTA!"
/ "Well, bother." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/09/quick-while-its-still-almost-topical.html |
| What Music They Make | The little vampires giggled to themselves -- no reflections meant Ursula would never see them coming. The sweet nectar of her lifeblood would soon be theirs. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/09/what-music-they-make.html |
| I feel dirty now, how about you? | Jemima welcomed Death's icy embrace. Five weeks editing Hagrid/Snape slash fiction was four weeks too many. / In reference to the last comic on the subject of fan-generated fiction: / I fucking knew it! / I’m not even going to check for the existence of this one's subject – there’s... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/10/i-feel-dirty-now-how-about-you.html |
| I just like the word "harridan" | "Christine! Are you trying to give people cancer with the power of your mind again? You promised you'd stop!"
/ "Not while you draw breath, harridan," muttered Christine. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/10/i-just-like-word-harridan.html |
| Meanwhile, Under the Big Top | Bongo and Betty were the darlings of the freakshow circus. No-one had the heart to tell them that there's no such thing as inter-species conjoined twins -- it wasn't until adulthood that they first heard of "Velcro" and began to suspect the awful truth... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/10/meanwhile-under-big-top.html |
| Order now for Xmas! | For the girl who has everything: Radium! / (And then leukemia.) http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/10/order-now-for-xmas.html |
| Revelations | "It's true! A bull has given birth! To a fully-dressed man!!"
/ "The End Times are upon us." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/10/revelations.html |
| Rewengee | "Whatever is that awful noise?"
/ "Well, that's the sound of your parents being gored by wild pigs. Now they're being wound-raped by albino mimes. And that noise in the background is me laughing like a fucking howler monkey. Steal my dolly, will you, bitch?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/10/rewengee.html |
| Scatological Humour | "It's been a lovely evening, Bertie -- tell me, though: what's with the eyepatch?"
/ "Oh, I burst a blood vessel taking a shit."
/ "That's... awful."
/ "Awful? It was fucking diabolical! I've never shit so hard in my life. Seriously, I think I cracked my pelvis."
/ "... Take me home, Bertie."
/ "*sigh* R... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/10/scatological-humour.html |
| Stop that Santa! | "Damn it, girls -- hop faster! We'll never catch him once he gets on his invisible bicycle!"
/ Drugs were a lot stronger in the sixties. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/10/stop-that-santa.html |
| Again with the Glorious Technicolour | "Yes, kill them," urged the voices.
/ "Kill them all." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/11/again-with-glorious-technicolour.html |
| Another Cautionary Tale | The dangers of masturbation #26: Bed sheets becoming animate due to accumulation of genetic material. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/11/another-cautionary-tale.html |
| Gratuitous, um, Motorsport Reference | "Seriously, how can I even think about singing with that monstrosity standing so close to me? Good God, woman, what happened you your face? What the hell happened to your face?"
/ "Please, miss, it's not her fault she's hideous -- can we just get on with this?"
/ "How about you and Nikki Lauda there amuse... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/11/gratuitous-um-motorsport-reference.html |
| Postal Justice | Mail took a long time to arrive in the islands, but Lola's lifelike doll was finally here. Now Timmy would be able to show the court exactly where Uncle Bertie touched him... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/11/postal-justice.html |
| It's Just Common Sense | Even though the landmines were clearly marked, it was safest to send the children in first to make sure. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/12/its-just-common-sense.html |
| Mistletoe and Wine | It is a sad and poorly-known fact that Santa Claus is actually lactose intolerant. All of those glasses of milk see him dashing to the lavatory every couple of houses. He is often pursued on these occasions by members of the Catholic Church, who believe that his saintly excretions can bestow magical... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/12/mistletoe-and-wine.html |
| Return to the Land of Porn | "Sorry girls, but I've always wanted to get my hands on the headmaster's package..." / Land of Porn or not, mail theft is still mail theft. Desirae was busted. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/12/return-to-land-of-porn.html |
| The Secret of Cows | After years of questing, Bertie was finally told the Secret of Cows by a wise old bullock. But he was forever shattered by the truths it contained... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/12/secret-of-cows.html |
| Whee! | The girls were pissed again. Granny didn't mind, but she kept a tight grip on her knitting needle, just in case one of them swung too close. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2007/12/whee.html |
| Happy New Etc. | Mavis hated the countryside - she could never take two steps with going ankle-deep into a cow pat. Fortunately there were always stray dogs around to wipe on. Her gypsy companion marvelled at her resourcefulness. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/01/happy-new-etc.html |
| I've Got a Dog Called Segue | "Say, that is a nice fan - you know what else is nice? Not having herpes. Now, about herpes..." / Lucile took the news hard, but she had to admire Tiffany's skill with a segue. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/01/ive-got-dog-called-segue.html |
| La Vitesse | Timmy made it over the collapsing bridge with seconds to spare. Now all he had to worry about was the penetrating stare and increasingly forward advances of The Frenchman... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/01/la-vitesse.html |
| OHMSS | "Last chance, Agent Spencer - where did you hide The Device?"
/ "Go to hell, Natalya, I'll never tell you - never in a million *glub glub glub*" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/01/ohmss.html |
| Supergirldickery | "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was your coat hook. I'll move my stuff -- no need to get angry..." / Even as she apologised, Candice moved to cover her ovaries -- she'd seen what happened to girls who found themselves on the receiving end of Supergirl's heat vision... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/01/supergirldickery.html |
| Take That, Scoliosis! | The Spine-O-Fix Correctional Back Brace results in freakishly correct posture in all who try it. Buy yours today!
/ Warning: May cause Nazism. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/01/take-that-scoliosis.html |
| This One's for Chris | Drama in the Land of Porn:
/ "Well I've got my hands on the writhing serpent and now I'm all wet - care to join me?"
/ "Join you? It's a fucking snake - get it away from me, you mad bitch!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/01/this-ones-for-chris.html |
| To the Orphanarium! | They had found the plane wreckage, in which the shattered corpses of their parents could still be seen, twitching and partially on fire. Uncle Bertie's attempts to cheer them up with his repertoire of bird calls and animal noises were less than successful. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/01/to-orphanarium.html |
| Family Values | "Now Timmy, there's no need to resort to those masturbation pants for your sexual thrills. Why don't you do the respectable thing and marry the first girl you take a liking to -- say, Hettie here -- then you can demand sex whenever you want."
/ "Whenever I want?"
/ "Yes, Timmy. It's a man's right." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/02/famly-values.html |
| It's a metaphor for something | "I said: I AM THE GRANDFATHER OF FUCK!"
/ But they didn't understand him. From up there, they never would. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/02/its-metaphor-for-something.html |
| Outdated Pop Culture Reference | "What's wrong, Bessie?"
/ "Oh, Timmy! He said he'd never give me up, never let me down, never run around and... and... but he did, Timmy! He did!"
/ "Ginger cunt." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/02/outdated-pop-culture-reference.html |
| Personal Hygiene is Important | It was Bertie's insistence on air-drying his crotch that eventually saw him cut from the First XI.
/ "The game's starting, Bertie!"
/ "I'll be there in a minute!"
/ "For Christ's sake, use a fucking towel!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/02/personal-hygine-is-important.html |
| Return to the Tree | Eventually, the creationists learned to argue from a position of mutual respect. Their dogs, however, retained their taste for human flesh and knack for treeing their quarry.
/ "Damn it! I should never have evolved them to act that way."
/ "No, you still haven't quite got it. Here, let's get to safety,... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/02/return-to-tree.html |
| Secretly, the house hated Betsy | Betsy and Timmy loved riding through the woods on the back of their magical flying house, until the day they flew too close to an overhanging branch. Timmy was able to duck out of the way in time, but Betsy would never walk again. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/02/secretly-house-hated-betsy.html |
| The Ele[phant Butler | "Damn it all—the Master's accidentally suffocated one of his boy-whores again," thought Jeeves the Macrocephalic Butler. "If only I wasn't a mutant freak, I'd be able to find work at houses where this sort thing didn't happen every other week. *sigh* Better get the acid bath ready, I suppose." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/03/elephant-butler.html |
| lol | Training the cat to think it was Godzilla was a laugh at first, but it all turned to tears when father's Japanese business partners came for dinner... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/03/lol.html |
| Nursey Knows | "Right there, do you see? That's where your soul would be, if only you were Catholic." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/03/nursey-knows.html |
| Old School | It didn't matter how realistic they made the graphics; every sequel to Rainbow Islands couldn't help but suck. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/03/old-school.html |
| Practical Japery | "3, 2, 1 -- peekab-what the FUCK?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/03/practical-japery.html |
| Robots in This Guy's | Crapbucket, the crappiest Autobot, was always getting stuck halfway through his transformation.
/ "A little help, guys? Please? Look, if one of you can just bend my headlight round a bit more, I think I can get my arm out... Guys?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/03/robots-in-this-guys.html |
| Splishy Splashy | Bertie wasn't sure if he'd ended up in Padeophile Heaven or Disobedient Child Hell, but either way that rectum cancer was starting to look more like a blessing now... http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/03/splishy-splashy.html |
| The Terrible Twos | Holly's gnawed bones were found in the woods three weeks later. No-one was much surprised. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/03/terrible-twos.html |
| Choke | "Autoerotic asphyxiation, Camilla? You know that's how father died!"
/ "Fk ff -- 'lmost thrrr..." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/04/choke.html |
| Pirates make the worst patients... | "Yarr! Unhand me giblets, wench!"
/ "For the last time Pete, I'm not 'purloinin' yer giblets' -- 'I'm harvesting your organs' to 'buy huge amounts of heroin'. Take it like a man."
/ "Yarr." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/04/pirates-make-worst-patients.html |
| Playing to Win | "Yes, I think I'm going to have to recommend what's called a 'retroactive abortion' in your case, Angela -- can't have the lower classes breeding out of control can we?"
/ "I don't like playing eugenicists, Timmy. Can't we just go back to experimenting with laudanum?" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2008/04/playing-to-win.html |
| Gratuitous Pop Culture Reference #2 | "Girls, get down from there! Total Recall was a marvellous film, but the classroom is no place to be re-enacting the elevator scene!"
/ "Heh heh -- 'See you at da paahty, Richter!'"
/ "I said stop it!" http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/05/gratuitous-pop-culture-reference-2.html |
| Reader Mail #1 | "Luka? She lives on the second floor." http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/06/reader-mail-1.html |
| Reader Mail #2 | Mary's elephant costume was not up to the standard of her friend Jenny's horse costume. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/reader-mail-2.html |
| Reader Mail #3 | "Time to shave my balls." / It just makes me laugh. Don't fucking judge me. http://www.monkeyfluids.com/2006/07/reader-mail-3.html |