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Chinese Timezones 2: So I say to her, "You know I love you baby! You & me? We're like Chinese timezones!" That cheered her up. / 1: Chinese timezones? / 2: She and I are the one! / 1: Huh?! / 2: China, as large as it is, only has one timezone. / 1: Oh.
No Use for Nickels If I had a nickel for every time I've related some thing's frequency to the receipt of nickels, I'd have exactly one nickel.
Play Nicely Hey! My hands hate each other. It makes it hard to type.
A Simple Game 1: Say uncle! / *Man one twists man two's arm* / *Man two's arm snaps off* / 1: Ahh! / 2: I win.
Revolutionary Misspeak 2: I dunno. Should I call her again? I'm so bad at this. / 2: I swear, the first time I talked to her, my heart was going at 1000 RPMs! / 2: It's just... I don't want to bug her, but I hate waiting, y'know? / 1: Your heart goes at RPMs? / 2: Yes. Yes it does. My heart spins around in pla...
All-In-One 1: Check out my new cell phone! / 1: I can check my email, watch tv, do my taxes and perform open heart surgery with this bad boy. / 2: Can you make phone calls with it? / 1: No.
You know what they say! *Mother is pointing to a broken lamp* / Child: "Ass outta u and me", mom... "Ass outta u and me".
Back Stabbing *Man with knife in back starts talking to his friend* / 1: My back hurts. / 2: This situation prompts many questions, such as... / 2: AHHHHH!!! / *Friend runs away* / 1: That's not a questions / *Man finds knife in back* / Oh, now I see the problem.
Solstice with the Mostest 1: Wait. Why is Dec. 21st called the "first day of winter"? It's the solstice! Shouldn't that make it the "middle of winter"? / 1: The "first day of winter" should be halfway between the autumnal equinox and the winter solstice. So, like, Nov. 6th or something. / 2: Hey! That's your birthday! / 1:...
Where? One day, Waldo should wear something different and really screw everyone up. / *Waldo wearing a floral print shirt*
Life Lessons *Father and son shaving at the sink* / Father: So, son, sometimes you'll see razors like this, except they take a battery, and they vibrate when you turn them on. This really helps. / Father: I find you can get the same great effect by waving your arm wildly while you shave.
Top Chef *Man is lying dead on the ground* / 1: Something is wrong with your food. It killed frank. / 2: He's just being dramatic / *Man 1 eats the food* / *Man 1 is dead on the ground* / 2: I must not be very good at cooking.
Affenbrot 2: "Affenbrot" means "monkeybread" in german. / *Friends look awkwardly at each other* / *Friends awkwardly stare off* / 2: I'm just sayin'.
Freebie! *Speedo is shown* / Free speedo!* / *with trade-in of your sense of shame
Did-You-Know-Bats 1 Bat 1: Did you know that the "G.I." in "G.I. Joe" does not, in fact, stand for "gastro-intestinal"?? I did not know that!
Testing... 1: Printer test page! / 2: Holy crap!
This Rooster Speaks the Truth Carlos Mencia is not funny. Just puttin' that out there.
Whiir I machine. / I computer machine. / *proceeeess proceeeeess whiiiiir*
<3 1: So, see, it turns out "Fruityloops" is a computer program, but I thought he was talking about something else entirely! / 2: Whoa, wait. have you been talking to me this whole time? / *Thing 1 gives confused look* / 2: Really? Wow! Jesus! / *Thing 1 still confused* / 2: Seriously, shut the hell...
Spelling Lesson *Picture of a volcano* / You can't spell lavatory without LAVA!
Nothing more! *Two toothbrushes sitting in a holder* / Toothbrush 1: Y'know... all I really want is my phone, internet, and cable television service from one company for one low monthly rate! / Toothbrush 2: I heard that!
Same problem with saving *2 pandas are talking to each other* / Sometimes, I go to hit ctrl+z, and then I remember that I'm drawing with pen and paper.
Such a Romantic Man: Being with you is like having all the stars in the palm of my hand. / Woman: Wouldn't that be hot since stars are millions of degrees? / Man: Yea, mostly. "Being with you is like being burned alive" just didn't have the same ring to it. / *Both stand awkwardly*
Why, Thank you Flower: Don't miss Rod Stewart! / Person: Why, thank you, / Person: God, I hate you.
Limbo! 1: Limbo time! How low can you go? / 2: Not very. I have scoliosis. / 1: Psh, excuses. / 2: Do you even know what scoliosis is? / 1: Something about being scared of limbo poles? / 2: No. But I have that too actually. / 2: I have a very easy time getting out of limboing.
Tom makes eggs *Man cracks egg into pan* / *Man pokes egg yolk* / 1: Why'd you poke the yolk? / 2: Becaues I don't like my yolk un-poked.
Stabby Stab *Man appears with knife* / Friend 1: Don't stab us! / Friend 2: AHHH!!! / Stranger: PREPARE TO / Stranger: LIVE!!!!!! / *Stranger puts away knife* / Friend 1: Oh thank god! I thought he was going to say the other thing! / Friend 2: So did I!
Patrick has a dark secret I highlight all the text on every website I visit.
Exercise *Drawn with left hand, man raising left arm* / Man: Left / *Drawn with right hand, man raising right arm* / Man: Right / *Drawn with left hand, man raising left arm* / Man: Left / *Drawn with right hand, man raising right arm* / Man: Right / Exercise with me people!
Incorrect Etymology 1 Today's Phrase: "It's all about the Benajmins" / *man whistling not noticing the pies on the floor* / the "benjamin" in question is old hollywood legend benjamin k bailey, who got his start in silent comedies in the 1930s / *woman pointing to benjamin bailey, who is holding a pie* / in the 1950s, bailey...

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