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Poem for My Clock To my alarm clock / I promise to never ask "where?" / I only will ask you "when?" / And you seem to be partially aware / That I prefer my numbers base-ten. / But when alarmed, I've noticed, perhaps, / You refuse to allow me to choose... / It's always nine minutes elapsed, / 'Til again you allow me to sn...
Told You So *Man and woman in kitchen* / Man: I've never cooked before, I don't think it's safe for me to cook / Woman: It's just ramen noodles! / Man: Well, ok... / *LATER* / *mushroom cloud*
Raines Shows Solidarity Friend 2: the writers strike is over! / Friend 1: No it's not. / Friend 2: Oh. It isn't? Should I go back to striking? / Friend 1: What? Since when were you striking? / Friend 2: I was just striking over there on the floor. / Friend 1: That's not striking. That's napping. / Friend 2: zzzzzz...shut...
Let's Learn Physics *Diagram showing a Panda and an Antipanda* / According to theories pioneered by Richard Feynman, an ordinary panda moving forward in time is equivalent to antipanda(koala) moving backward in time. / Thus, the case in which an energetic photon creates a virtual panda/koala pair, which later annihilate...
Happy Birthday! Father to son: Blow out all your candles Jimmy or I won't love you anymore.
Cat's Cradle How to Play Cat's Cradle / *Diagram showing Cat's Cradle configuration* / Grab at the circled points, pull to the outside, then quickly throw string in the trash / *Diagram showing Cat's Cradle configuration* / At the circled points, cut the string and never play this game again.
Yahoo Serious *Kid reading from paper* / For my report on a historical figure, I watched the 1988 biopic, "Young Einstein", starring Yahoo Serious. / Albert Einstein, raised in Tasmania, split the atom while brewing beer, then invented rock n' roll. / Actually, I didn't watch the movie, I just read the synopsis from...
Walking Style It has recently been brought to my attention that Egyptians walk in a way that is different from other people.
An Old Man Shops for a New Computer Five hundred gigabytes?! Damn kids!! Why, when I was your age, I only got four blasted kilobytes, and I still kept my blog updated!! grumble...grumble...carrot juice...
Kyle *Kyle poking head out of office door* / It is said that once a year, Kyle can be seen emerging from his dimly-lit office. / They say, on that day, if he sees his reflection in the office microwave, we will have six more weeks of winter.
Reflection Man: if a mirror tried to look at itself in the mirror, it would get confused.
Bee *Kid is shown on stage at a spelling be. He is speaking into the mic* / Kid: Can i please hear the word in a sentence please? / *Judge looks bothered* / Judge: Yeah fine. "Insufferable": I find the other kid left to be less insufferable.
Fragile *UPS delivery man has delivered a package to a man* / Man: apparently, the fragile sticker affixed to this box meant absolutely nothing to you
California California? More like Coolifornia! / *California is wearing sunglasses and is giving a thumbs up* / Rectangle State: I wish i were that cool. / Michigan: I can't eve tell who you are.
Beware The Wrath Man 1: What'd you get your girlfriend for valentine's day? / Man 2: Valentine's Day is so overrated! / Man 1: Whoa! don't say that! / Man 2: I'm serious! I think it's silly! / *Heart arrow pierces through man 2's chest* / *Cupid appears and is shaking his fist at man 1*
Just Visiting Man: why are you so short? / Short Man: the gravity on my home planet is much greater than the gravity here. / Man: what about the ugliness? / visitor: i'm just an ugly person no matter what planet i'm from / visitor: my ugliness is universal... thanks for bringing it up
Jake with Sports Newscaster: and so, the tragedy couldn't be avoided. now, we throw it over to jake with sports. / Jake: thanks, alan! today in sports, sometimes they tried to keep the ball from touching the ground, and in other sportsgames, you're supposed to make the ball touch the ground sometimes. / *Baseball shown...
Get a Clue it seems like whenever i played clue, i always guessed way too soon
Smoove Mooths *man with thought cloud above head* / Man: Oh man. That bartendress is so hot! it cool / *man is sitting at bar talking to bartendress* / Man: Heya, come here often? I'll have a beer, no ice. I like both of your boobs. / Man's Thought Bubble: Smoooooth
Let's Make a Deal Father: sure, i can help you with your science project, but what can you do for me? / Son: don't you love me? / Father: love doesn't pay the bills son
More Great Interview Tips Tip #11: Pick-up lines are inappropriate at interviews. / Interviewee: Y'know...if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "u" and "i" um... I'd put us together or whatever. / Interviewer: Married... but you're hired. / *under comic* / (unless they're really good.)
Pay Up *a graph is displayed. 'cash back' is the x-axis and 'desire to finish taxes' is the y axis. the graphed line is at the lowest y value until cash back is positive. at that point, the desire to finish taxes increases quickly*
The Sun is a Jerk *sun is shown smiling and giving a thumbs up* / I make some people sneeze!
I Knew It! *talking to man 1* / 2: stop looking at me like that. it feels like you're burning a hole into the side of my head. / *both men continue standing there* / *lasers begin coming out of man 1's eyes* / 2: AHHH! oh my god! OWW!
The Debate, Part 2 Man 1: my opponent's policies are nothing but classic blue-shell communism! / Man 2: that's entirely untru-wait... blue what? / Man 1: like mario kart, idiot? the blue shell automatically hits the player in first place! / Man 2: so? / Man 1: so all you want to do is level the playing field! you're a...
I Wish It Did *garbage is piled up in the middle of the floor* / Man: maybe if i put all of my garbage in one place, it will find its way to the trash can / Woman: it doesn't work like that
One Eery Night Man: oh no!! i'm starting to... / Man: chaaange! / *man begins changing into a werewolf* / *werewolf shown on top of hill in front of the moon* / Werewolf: aaaaahooooooooo / Moon: haha! i made you all wolfy and crap! / Werewolf: oh yeah? well...your name also means "a butt"!
Percentages Man 1: i'm 90% sure that i hate you / Man 2: i'm 100% sure that i want to punch you in the face right now
Bird-Snake-Bird *man standing in front of a wall full of hieroglyphics* / Man: this is odd. it's nothing but...acronyms and intentional misspellings. what is a ... "noob"?
Golfing *man beginning his downswing for golf. his friend is watching* / *man following through with his swing* / *golf ball heading towards a man's head who is not paying attention* / Golfer: FORE!!! / Friend: nice shot! you hit that guy right in the face! / Golfer: what's the golf equivalent of a triple...

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