I'm the Monster that Lives Under the Monster that Lives Under your BedSorry to disturb you. I live in apartment 4J, one floor down. Yes, I know that it?s 2:30 in the morning. I was woken up by some blood-curdling screams coming from your room. Are you okay?
Actually, the scream you?re making right now?that?s the same exact scream I?m talking about. Thank you for demonstrating. I know, I know, I?m a monster. If I had blood, it would probably be curdled by now. You can stop. Even with my fangs and scales, the fact that I?m wearing pajamas should tell you that I?m in no mood to scare anyone this late. Relax.
Anyway, this is the fourth time this week that you?ve woken me up. The thing that went bump in the night yesterday? It was me hitting my ceiling with a broom handle to quiet you down. I even tried playing a mixtape of creepy Gregorian chants to lull you to sleep. Since it seems like you didn?t get the message, now I?ve had no choice but to come upstairs and speak to you in person.
Full disclosure: we on the co-op board are a little concerned. Your neighbors have complained about hearing multiple voices coming from your apartment. I don?t see any ventriloquist dolls in there. You?re not a teenage girl, so this isn?t a case of demonic possession. You live alone, so it can?t be a poltergeist torturing you while slowly making your husband begin to suspect that you?re going crazy. Therefore, I have no choice but to assume that you?re housing a secret roommate. Since this is a tiny studio apartment, they must be sleeping under the bed, which classifies them as a pet.
Pets are not allowed in the building.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that you're violating the housing contract. You've never been a model tenant. I've seen you press the "door close" button when the phantom from 6H is clearly heading towards the elevator. You rarely offer to help carry heavy packages for the elderly witch in 2E. The ghostbusters you hired last month got ectoplasm on their shoes and tracked it all over the carpet in the lobby. Maybe while they were over they should have used their vacuums to clean up your apartment. This place is a nightmare.
You might even have under-the-bedbugs.
Seriously, is that a futon? It looks extremely uncomfortable. I don?t know how you?d be able to sleep on that thing, even without a monster living under it.
Why don?t you just get a trundle bed? That?ll get you around the pet issue. And plus, it will be like having a slumber party every night. You guys can eat ice cream, gossip, tell ghost stories, whatever. Just try and keep it down, okay? Most of us monsters aren?t nocturnal. I actually enjoy getting to bed early, sleeping late, and then watching Colbert Report highlights while I eat breakfast. I really need a full night?s rest before making my daily commute through the sewers.
So, that?s my whole spiel. You still seem nervous. I?m not going to report you or eat you or anything. Calm down. Why do you keep glancing over at your closet? Is there a monster living in there too?
Please don?t make me go to the Super. I will if I have to. But honestly, his Eastern European accent is kind of scary.
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