( searching 3065 episodes of Dinosaur Comics!)

• this is you!

  T-Rex: Enough of this life of a bachelor! The moment has arrived... T-Rex: I am finally ready to settle down and start a family! T-Rex: All I need now is a female T-Rex with similar interests! T-Rex: Oh! And a nice body. T-Rex: With a nice long tail. T-Rex: (That's hot!) T-Rex: I will seduce her with a two-pronged attack of my stomping skills and wit! Utahraptor: Your "wit"? T-Rex: Yes, I have a fine wit! Utahraptor: Oh really? T-Rex: Yes indeed! For I can do impressions! T-Rex: This is you!
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=90

• incredible moments in history starring t-rex the dinosaur t. rex

  Narrator: INCREDIBLE MOMENTS IN HISTORY Narrator: STARRING T-REX THE DINOSAUR T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you know how scientists are always getting, like, Nobel Prizes in science stuff? Dromiceiomimus: Sure! T-Rex: Do you know if you can get that with dance moves too? Because I'm PRETTY SURE I just invented an amazing new dance move!! Utahraptor: Let's see this move! T-Rex: Right! I start with my leg raised as so, and then - T-Rex: Leg down, tail down, head snap, POSE. Utahraptor: Not bad, not bad! T-Rex: Hey! Hey, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Take a picture, it'll last longer! Narrator: THIS MARKS THE FIRST AND LAST TIME THE PHRASE "TAKE A PICTURE, IT'LL LAST LONGER" WAS EVER SAID SINCERELY Narrator: THE END
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1941

• this comic was inspired by a dude joey and i saw yesterday. he was walking his cat. he'd walk a bit, the cat behind him would catch up, and then they'd walk some more. i didn't know you could walk a cat, but this dude PROVED US WRONG.

  T-Rex: In the 60s the CIA was experimenting with cats. They were making spy cats! T-Rex: SPY CATS, you guys! T-Rex: But rather than giving cats adorable little matching suits and attach? cases, WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME, they instead cut one open, implanted a battery and a microphone, and turned his tail into an antenna. Dromiceiomimus: A primitive cyborg? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: The plan was that the cat could listen in on sensitive conversations completely unnoticed! Utahraptor: Did it work? T-Rex: Well, they spent over five years and fifteen million dollars on it, but in the first and only field test Cyborgocat wandered onto the street, got run over by a cab, and was killed instantly. Utahraptor: Ouch. T-Rex: And then the project was dismantled. T-Rex: It was a lot of money wasted, HOWEVER the project was named "Operation Acoustic Kitty", which is ADORABLE. The moral of the story is this: whoever was in charge of naming secret CIA projects in the 60s was doing their job super well! T-Rex: THE END.
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1698

• this comic was inspired by a dude joey and i saw yesterday. he was walking his cat. he'd walk a bit, the cat behind him would catch up, and then they'd walk some more. i didn't know you could walk a cat, but this dude PROVED US WRONG.

  T-Rex: In the 60s the CIA was experimenting with cats. They were making spy cats! T-Rex: SPY CATS, you guys! T-Rex: But rather than giving cats adorable little matching suits and attach? cases, WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME, they instead cut one open, implanted a battery and a microphone, and turned his tail into an antenna. Dromiceiomimus: A primitive cyborg? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: The plan was that the cat could listen in on sensitive conversations completely unnoticed! Utahraptor: Did it work? T-Rex: Well, they spent over five years and fifteen million dollars on it, but in the first and only field test Cyborgocat wandered onto the street, got run over by a cab, and was killed instantly. Utahraptor: Ouch. T-Rex: And then the project was dismantled. T-Rex: It was a lot of money wasted, HOWEVER the project was named "Operation Acoustic Kitty", which is ADORABLE. The moral of the story is this: whoever was in charge of naming secret CIA projects in the 60s was doing their job super well! T-Rex: THE END.
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1698

• you know who else doesn't have a brain? jellyfish and clams. can you be friends with an animal with no brain? i know i can't, which is why i have never been a bro with a jellyfish.

  God: T-REX NAME AN ANIMAL YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT T-Rex: Sea squirts! God: OKAY T-Rex: Wait, that's a real animal?! T-Rex: I thought it was just my hilarious nickname for a sex thing! God: THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE TADPOLES THAT HATCH FROM THEIR HERMAPHRODITIC PARENTS AND SWIM TILL THEY FIND A ROCK WHICH THEY ATTACH TO AND NEVER MOVE AGAIN T-Rex: Why is the sea so weird? God: THEN SINCE THEY'RE NOT MOVING ANYMORE THEY EAT THEIR OWN TAIL AND OTHER NOW USELESS BODY PARTS T-Rex: Why is the sea SO WEIRD? God: INCLUDING THEIR BRAIN T-Rex: Okay, I'll say this: WHY IS THE SEA A NIGHTMARE WITHOUT END? Utahraptor: Black swallowers? T-Rex: No, brain auto-cannibalistic sea squirts. Black swallowers? Utahraptor: They've got a stretchy body to eat animals way bigger than themselves. When you said "nightmare without end" I thought you'd seen one. T-Rex: What do they look like? Utahraptor: I don't know if you- T-Rex: TELL ME.
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2099

• i like my books of erotic fiction like i like my women: dog-eared and well-thumbed

  T-Rex: Stories GUARANTEED To Make You Say, "Ahhhh, So Sexy"! ? by me, T-Rex! T-Rex: One time a hot person had a sexual encounter of the type you enjoy, and it was sexy! It was super rad and sexy! T-Rex: That's it, the end! Story's over! Dromiceiomimus: I like details in my erotic fiction, T-Rex. How hot is this person? What makes them hot? What are they doing with their lives? What are their interests? How did they feel before, during, and after? T-Rex: GOD. Fine, here's your answer: very, their secondary sexual characteristics, making a sex time, getting down to the business of sex, good then better then good again. Utahraptor: But like, what are they like when they're NOT having sex? T-Rex: GOD. FINE. T-Rex: Okay, she's a woman. She is hot because of her, I dunno, hair. She's a mammal now too. She wants to be a movie star, but right now she lives on a stupid farm. Utahraptor: Good, good! Now flesh out the world and add some supporting characters. Show us WHY she wants to have the sexy times! Narrator: LATER, T-REX COMPLETES HIS STORY AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE A PERFECT, WORD-FOR-WORD DUPLICATE OF "OF MICE AND MEN": T-Rex: Aha! T-Rex: So THAT'S how Steinbeck did it!!
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2455

• i don't want none unless it increases my mo-ment-tum

  T-Rex: Let us start with the assumption that not all people are duds! Narrator: HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS T-Rex: It sure would be nice to hang out with those non-duds, huh? It seems to me the easiest way to make this happen is to go where they go. Like, for example, if non-duds like to hang out in giant rooms where every surface is covered in momentum increasing trampolines -- which honestly seems PRETTY LIKELY -- then that's where you should chill! T-Rex: Okay, enjoy the new friends, thank me later! Utahraptor: Momentum-increasing trampolines? T-Rex: Could anything be more fun?? THE ANSWER: no. Utahraptor: But you'd eventually end up smeared into a red mist! T-Rex: There's safeties built in! Once you approach red mist territory, the room's trampolines become merely momentum MAINTAINING. Utahraptor: Alright, I'm in. This sounds awesome! Narrator: IT TURNS OUT SUCH ROOMS DO NOT EXIST: T-Rex: How is it possible that I imagine momentum-increasing trampoline rooms IN SUCH AMAZING DETAIL if they don't actually exist?? T-Rex: How -- T-Rex: How is this a just universe
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2167

• "Wow I can't believe I'm talking to Stephen King!" "Yes and as I can't see what letters you chose there I can agree to that with a clean conscience!"

  T-Rex: A Ghost Story With A Spooky Mood, by Steven King! T-Rex: (The similar-to but still legally-distinct from "Stephen King" pen name of me, T-Rex!) T-Rex: My other pen names include "Mikael Crichtonne", "Jay Deesalinger", and "Epcot Fitzgerald". Yeah. I do some pretty amazing work. Dromiceiomimus: You were going to set a spooky mood, Mr. Deesalinger? T-Rex: Right! Right. "It was a spooky house full of corpses, and ghosts too." Utahraptor: Dude you gotta hold off on the ghosts! T-Rex: THEY'RE WHAT'S THE SPOOKIEST! Utahraptor: Give us some sensory details first, you know? "Through the wooden slats of the abandoned farmhouse I could see the sun setting, its dying light changing the fallow field that surrounded me to dark, unknowable wasteland." T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...So is there a ghost in that field or what Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: "Through the wooden slats of the spooky ghosthouse I could see the sun itself becoming a ghost, its ghostly light turning every ghost that surrounded me into two ghosts which were, therefore, twice as frightening." T-Rex: ...Oh my god, MOOD IS AMAZING?? {{Title text: gotta side with t-rex on this, a world where sunset duplicates all the ghosts caught in it seems PRETTY RAD TO ME. i don't think it's sustainable though. something's gotta give. those ghosts are getting HUNGRY.}}
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2518

• this was gonna be my master's thesis irl, but then i was like, the world is not ready (also apparently it SOMEHOW wouldn't expand the horizons of humanity's knowledge, like at all??)

  T-Rex: Okay I KINDA FIGURED this would be done by now, but apparently not? Apparently y'all be slacking hard?? T-Rex: I guess if you want something done, you have to describe in detail how to do it yourself!! T-Rex: Okay, first get a computer. Then, program that computer to take text as input and use semantic analysis to figure out the topic of that text. Then, use a synset database to find related words connected to that topic. Finally, replace any words in the text that have synonyms in your sysnset! So a text about bikes would replace "'I like bikes!' said Rob" with "'I like bikes!' SPOKE Rob". T-Rex: Because bikes have spokes!! T-Rex: And if Rob is real tired, then the program will change "TIRED" to caps! Because bikes have tires!! Utahraptor: Aw man! Utahraptor: This is just software that adds crappy puns to everything! T-Rex: YES. It is not brilliant? Utahraptor: Hmm. What's brilliant is I could run it in reverse and REMOVE crappy puns from anything. Oh man, it could be an email plugin! OR BETTER: a cochlear implant!! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Utahraptor, come over for lunch! I think you'll find my soup is, shall we say . . . SOUPERB?? Utahraptor: Hey, I just heard you bragging that your soup is, shall we say . . . QUITE GOOD?? T-Rex: Aw dang it T-Rex: It's true [[title text: my soup rules, i cannot deny it email text: ryan i am ON THIS, by even reading these words i promise you i will make this happen]]
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2571

• hot air balloons made out of the fabric - with baskets made from the same material - allowed one to float in the sky with an unimpeded 360-degree view of the world around them, and was reported to be an almost religious experience.

  T-Rex: Once upon a time there was an Emperor who was big into fashion. He met two tailors who promised o make him a suit made of the finest fabric: one visible to ONLY the most intelligent people! T-Rex: THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES T-Rex: The Epmeror's minsters couldn't see the suit, but they pretended to so they'd seem smart, and the Emperor did the same. But when he took his new suit out in a parade, little kids shouted "The Emperor has no clothes!!". Dromiceiomimus: Was the Emperor embarrassed? T-Rex: Why would he be?? His clothing is DESIGNED to be invisible to dumb kids. Nothing about what those kids shouted surprised him! Utahraptor: So what'd he do after the parade? T-Rex: He cornered the market on the fabric! T-Rex: He realized a generally-invisible fabric would have great applications in law enforcement: invisible nets and traps, for example, caught all but the most intelligent criminals. The fabric was also woven into ropes and used to construct beautiful "floating" bridges, stairs, and other architecture. T-Rex: Einsteins and Hawkings could see the wires, but to everyone else it was the most gorgeous, most impossible - and most peaceful - kingdom in the entire world. T-Rex: THE END.
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2704

• what can i say, i'm quite the bible scholar scholar

  T-Rex: Everyone! EVERYONE! I have made a startling discovery! T-Rex: I was carefully reading the BIBLE... T-Rex: 's Wikipedia page T-Rex: ... and I discovered something shocking! You know that apple that Eve eats because she was hungry and also recognized it's unreasonable to respect a law that is itself unreasonable?? well guess what? THE BIBLE NEVER SAYS WHAT SHE EATS IS AN APPLE! Dromiceiomimus: What is it? T-Rex: Who knows! Some sort of fruit, could be anything! There's definitely no time for details, when you're writing a BIBLE! Utahraptor: Plus, this was Eden! LITERAL PARADISE. We don't have to limit ourselves to the fruits we know! T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: You're RIGHT! Maybe it was a doughnut tree. Or POUTINE tree! Utahraptor: Or DELICIOUS MEAT tree! Utahraptor: Or a tree where the fruit is just a smaller version of the SAME tree, so you can have INFINITE TREES!! T-Rex: Wait, that's exactly what a regular fruit is, nevermind
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2868

• this comic does assume our previous comic, "how to always avoid small talk forever", has somehow failed you

  T-Rex: Many of us don't like talking to strangers, probably because it's the worst! But "society" decided doing that is fun or cool or whatever. T-Rex: HOW TO SUCCEED AT SMALL TALK T-Rex: Small talk is the timeless, beautiful art of talking to someone you've never met and will likely never meet again for a few minutes so you won't seem weird. But the good news is this: Either your partner is a) one of those people who likes small talk and can therefore carry you along with them (these are called "extroverts" and this is their only use), or b) as desperate and and terrified as you are. Utahraptor: So what are your tips at small talk? T-Rex: Ask questions, and when answering ADD DETAILS. T-Rex: Details increase the chance your partner - GOD WILLING - will find something interesting about you. This lengthens the conversation. Once you've talked for five minutes, say "Great chatting with you, [PERSON'S NAME IF YOU STILL REMEMBER IT, YOU WON'T], but I've got to go." T-Rex: CONCLUSION: Any friend you make through small talk is suspect, for you will always wonder if they actually like you, or if they've just hung out for years because they do not know how to extricate themselves from the conversation.
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2889

• treasure hunt, 1950s

  T-Rex: Okay, so here's the plan! I send cards to all my friends giving them the first clue on a treasure hunt! T-Rex: Then, they go on the treasure hunt! T-Rex: Each clue leads them to a further clue in a new location, sending them on an across-town adventure! T-Rex: The final clue leads them to my house, where they find not only a party with potato chips and barbecued corn, but also the moral that the REAL treasure is friendship! T-Rex: (I like all my parties to have morals at the end!) T-Rex: Oh boy, this treasure hunt which I have just explained in detail including the twist at the end will be great! Utahraptor: Agreed! Utahraptor: And since the Dromiceiomimus and I already know what's going on, we can help! We should make it a block party, and invite everyone! T-Rex: Yeah, like in the fifties! Everybody was neighbourly in the fifties! T-Rex: And all the men wore hats while the women baked pies! Sure, we had the stability we craved after the turmoil of WWII, but at what cost? Repression both sexual and sociological left lasting scars, leading in many ways to the cultural self-doubt of the 60s but who cares, we've got to plan this party!
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=306

• quite adequate for a man of my racial denomination

  T-Rex: Submit it to me, youngster! Indeed, indeed! Submit it to me youngster! Indeed, indeed! Submit it to me, youngster! Indeed, indeed! T-Rex: And all the ladies proclaim that I'm quite adequate for a man of my racial denomination! T-Rex: You are aware of the difficulty entailed in simply managing one's life today! T-Rex: The one whom we're considering is not popular, but he attempts to five off that air nonetheless. Utahraptor: He may be unaware of certain pertinent pieces of information, and he may not be urbane... T-Rex & Utahraptor: But that which he does not possess, well, be assured that he substitutes for it in his own mind! T-Rex: Attention! Attention! Engage that neoteric device!
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=462

• nothing says 'nature' to t-rex like a koala bear

  T-Rex: I'm going to write the best story ever. It's called - okay, I don't know what it's called. But i have a fantastic premise! T-Rex: It's a world where everyone knows how they're going to die! T-Rex: You can go in to a doctor and he takes a blood test, and then his machine spits out a piece of paper that says "exploded" or "drowned" or "poisoned apple" and that's it. No dates, no details! And so people who are to die from drowning spend their lives avoiding swimming pools, but they end up drowning anyway. Part of the fun would be seeing how! Utahraptor: This story sounds pretty morbid, T-Rex! T-Rex: Morbidly INTERESTING! Utahraptor: True! Utahraptor: I guess the only safe one would be if the paper said "old age". T-Rex: Nope, cause then you could be killed by an old guy! This machine delights in ironically vague deaths. Utahraptor: "Natural causes"? T-Rex: Hit on the head by a falling koala bear! T-Rex: It would also work on animals, but all the ones for cows would say "made into delicious cheeseburger". T-Rex: Not that the cows could understand! T-Rex: Friggin' cheeseburgers!
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=675