( searching 3065 episodes of Dinosaur Comics!)

• just the first three panels of this comic = your christmas card this year??

  T-Rex: I would like to get thoughtful Christmas presents for all my friends and family, but I have a problem. T-Rex: I am just not that thoughtful a person! T-Rex: WHOOPS? Narrator: the end Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER AT THE MALL, T-REX TRIES A DIFFERENT TACK. T-Rex: Hey, Utahraptor, if your house was on fire, what one possession would you want to save? Utahraptor: My photo album, I guess? T-Rex: NO, I meant like, what replaceable, CONSUMER ELECTRONICS possession would you want to save? Also, you can't already have the possession. Utahraptor: Aw, T-Rex! I don't want to just tell you to buy me something. T-Rex: Is in an MP3 player? Look, they have MP3 players here! T-Rex: Aren't you always saying how you wish you could play your MP3s?
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1117

• can someone update t-rex's wikipedia page to say that in the past, he has kissed up wikipedia? don't explain it any more than that, okay

  Narrator: WIKIPEDIA HAS BECOME A REAL PERSON! T-Rex: Yes, I don't know how it happened but it's true! Wikipedia is a woman now. T-Rex: And she's super smart, too! T-Rex: You ask her about frogs, and bam! She knows ALL ABOUT THEM. And then you ask her about trains, and she's all, "Did you mean the band? The album? THE BAVARIAN VILLAGE??"and I'm like, "All of them, I guess!" It's great. It's kind like dating God! Dromiceiomimus: I - you're dating her? Narrator: BUT SOON: Utahraptor: So hey, how are things going with that Wikipedia lady? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Awful!! T-Rex: We were in bed and I kissed her, and I asked her about herself, right? To set the mood? And she swore at me, but then she took it back, and then she yelled "HITLER WAS RIGHT", but then she took it back, and then she showed me a picture of a wiener, but then I said "You know what I think I'm done asking about you." T-Rex: Later I asked her about Christmas and she told me Santa wasn't real
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1371

• ATTENTION ALL CIVILIZATIONS ACROSS THE UNIVERSE: HAVE A SIMULATED GOOD TIME

  T-Rex: It's possible that one day, an advanced civilization (and not necessarily our own!) might be able to reasonably simulate an entire universe, or at least fake it for simulated people living inside. T-Rex: And these simulated dudes wouldn't even know they're in a simulation! T-Rex: And if a civilization can do this once, it's likely that they'd EVENTUALLY do it more than once. They could even reach a point where simulations are mass produced: billions of disposable toy realities used for experiments, research, or given to children during Future Christmas! Utahraptor: Sure, maybe in some hyper-advanced future! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But if we assume that SOMEONE can reach this level, then what's more likely: that WE'RE the ones who develop this technology without actually being in a simulation ourselves, or that we're all stuck in one of the TRILLIONS of simulations being run AS WE SPEAK?? Utahraptor: *gasp* Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS WISHES YOU A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS 2010
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1623

• panel five's dialogue of 'public love and recognition' was originally typed as 'public love recognition', and yeah, i guess both would be pretty good to achieve.

  T-Rex: What have I done with my life? For serious! I am getting older and if things keep up this way I will die an unremarkable dude. T-Rex: My epitaph will be "HERE LIES AND UNREMARKABLE DUDE :( BUT HEY I GET THERE'S SOMEONE RAD TO THE LEFT ;D"! T-Rex: Actually, that's a pretty sweet epitaph. T-Rex: But! My concerns about my own lack of impact still stand! Utahraptor: You've done stuff, T-Rex! T-Rex: You're going to say that I've made a positive impact in the life of my friends, ET CETERA, but I'm talking about - well, I guess I'm talking about public love and recognition. You know who won a Nobel Oscar Price at age 26? Utahraptor: Who? T-Rex: Not me!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS A VISION OF HIS FUTURE THANKS TO THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: T-Rex: Good Spirit, are these the shadows of the things that will e, or are they the shadows of things that May be, only? T-Rex: 'cause my epitaph sucks
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=902

• Jason Statham and i would make good teams. i am convinced of it

  T-Rex: A lot of people seem to have trouble separating actors from their roles. T-Rex: But not me! T-Rex: I'm different from everyone else. I get that Bruce Willis might not be that useful if terrorists take over an office tower Christmas party! Deomiceiomimus: Come on, T-Rex. You suspect he'd be good to have around. If you were choosing your members for your "taking down terrorists while dying hard" team, you've pick Bruce first. T-Rex: Nope. He'd have to earn it! We'd do sports or something to see. Utahraptor: Ridiculous! You confuse actors and the characters they play as much as any of us. T-Rex: I really don't! T-Rex: I won't say that I'm "better" for having this skill of "actor separation", but it's a skill I have that makes me better. Utahraptor: You totally like actors if you like their characters, and vice versa. Come on, follow me. I'll prove it. Narrator: SOON: Utahraptor: T-Rex, there's Ben Affleck. Do you have anything to say to him? T-Rex: BEN I QUESTION YOUR ACTING ABILITY! IF WE WERE ALL FRIENDS, I AM CERTAIN YOU WOULD BE "THE IRRITATING ONE"! T-Rex: Oh my gosh, Utahraptor! I concede your point!
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1190

• dogs can also die if they eat chocolate or onions or garlic or macadamia nuts or grapes or raisins or hops or avocado, which makes one wonder how we got dogs to the modern era at all

  T-Rex: A pet is a good thing to get if you want something cute that is entirely dependent on you for its very survivOH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE T-Rex: AN ALIVE THING DEPENDS ON ME AND IF I SUCK IT DIES!! Dromiceiomimus: Dude, calm down! You can handle this: it's just a dog! Some people have CHILDREN, and they're way more dependent than pets are. T-Rex: AAAAAHHHHH T-Rex: I AM FREAKING OUT A LITTLE HERE, NOT GOING TO LIE Utahraptor: You're afraid of the responsibility? T-Rex: I'm not afraid!! I'm INFORMED! T-Rex: I've nearly killed MYSELF with my own stupidity tons of times, let alone someone else! I once ate broken glass because it was at the bottom of a half-eaten bag of chips! As I ate them I thought "gosh these chips are real crunchy". Utahraptor: W-What? T-Rex: I told you this! My roommate broke a Christmas ornament and swept it up into a mostly-empty bag of chips, then I got home late n' hungry!! [[off-camera]] Utahraptor: Really? You did this? T-Rex: YES AND I DID NOT SURVIVE MY ORDEAL TO BE JUDGED BY THOSE WITH BETTER DECISION-MAKING SKILLS
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2338

• check out that naked dance tradition

  T-Rex: Stuck in a depressing routine, where every day seems the same as the last one? T-Rex: Hah hah, wow! T-Rex: You got yourself some WACK problems, huh?? T-Rex: Luckily, there is a solution. T-Rex: Try doing something new to break up the routine! Dromiceiomimus: Like pouring the milk into the bowl BEFORE the cereal? T-Rex: Whoah, no, that's - T-Rex: - that's just mad nutty, Dromiceiomimus Utahraptor: So what would you suggest? T-Rex: Change your language! T-Rex: You don't have a ROUTINE of passing out in front of TV after work. T-Rex: You have a tradition! T-Rex: Your life has fallen into a daily tradition, and you're beginning to notice you're TRADITIONALLY not invited to work functions. T-Rex: Yaaay! T-Rex: Doesn't the word "tradition" remind you of Christmas? Utahraptor: It... used to? Narrator: SOON: Doctor: Don't worry T-Rex, this is an entirely traditional procedure. T-Rex: Doctor! T-Rex: I for one now am completely at ease!! Doctor: No, I'm sorry, you misunderstand. Doctor: What I meant to convey was, we gon' be using bugs
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2308

• that is one dude with a grudge

  God: HEY T-REX YOU SHOULD PROBABLY DO SOME CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SOON T-Rex: I'm going to ignore the symbolism of this! Narrator: T-REX IN: THE MALL Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: ARGH! I had hoped to avoid this realization, but it's inescapable: I hate the mall! I know it's a cliched thing to hate but it's TRUE. I hate the crowds and the cell phones and I hate the music and the consumerism and the shops that don't have anything that I want. And I didn't hate but I really disliked the burger I purchased in the food court. It had no toppings. Also it was very dry. Utahraptor: You're becoming a generic stand-up comedian! T-Rex: I'm not! I just feel their pain! T-Rex: And YES, I understand that of all the things in the world to get worked up about, maybe poverty and climate change are above one soul-crushing shopping experience downtown. But man! The mall! Utahraptor: Hah, if you felt as serious about climate change as you do about the mall, we'd have that settled in no time! Narrator: T-REX TRIES TO GET AS WORKED UP ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT IT KEEPS COMING BACK TO THE MALL: T-Rex: Everyone! Support the implementation of the Kyoto Protocol! T-Rex: ALSO SCREW THE MALL IN ITS STUPID FACE OKAY
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=678

• ATTENTION EVERYONE WHO HAD BABIES AND *DIDN'T* NAME THEM FRIGYES: I guess... thanks for reading my comic today, and enjoy your lifetime of newfound suboptimal naming regret??

  Narrator: SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION T-Rex: Maybe everyone is connected to everyone else by no more than six other people blah blah blah small world after all blah blah social networks blah T-Rex: ANYWAY! T-Rex: That's all pretty cool I GUESS, but it's still not like I'm getting Christmas cards from Patty Stew and Jonno Frakes. But you know what IS great? The name of the dude who came up with the idea! Dromiceiomimus: Who? T-Rex: Oh, just a a person named... FRIGYES KARINTHY?? Utahraptor: No way. NO WAY. T-Rex: Yes way! T-Rex: FRIGYES FRIGGIN' KARINTHY. Only I don't know for sure if his middle name was 'Friggin'". Utahraptor: Still! T-Rex: Still, right? I know!! We should change OUR names to "Frigyes"! T-Rex: "Should we go chill with Frigyes and Frigyes?" our friends will say. "OH WOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE A MINCED OATH AND AFFIRMATIVE PARTICLE THAT COULD ANSWER THIS QUESTION??" T-Rex: Man! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Literally nothing will ever go wrong for us again! {{Image title: i haven't felt THIS bad since I met "Coolface Quadblaster" on the bus. his quads were blasted, and his face: even cooler than i ever could've imagined}} {{Email subject: how many people read the first panel and thought "wow ryan's really phoning it in now" and then NEVER READ DINOSAUR COMICS AGAIN??}}
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2646

• was utahraptor wrong, or was ryan wrong? let's say ryan was right all along. with sincere sincerely, ryan

  God: T-REX IF YOU SLOW DOWN THE EARTH'S ORBIT YOU GET A SHORTER YEAR NOT A LONGER YEAR NOT A SHORTER ONE T-Rex: What? God: YOU SLOW DOWN A PLANET YOU SHRINK ITS ORBITAL RADIUS T-Rex: Huh?? God: IF YOU SLOW DOWN A PLANET'S ORBIT IT DOESN'T STAY IN THE SAME ORBIT God: BUT RATHER THAT ORBIT GETS SMALLER God: SO IF YOU SLOWED DOWN THE EARTH YOU WOULDN'T GET AN EXTRA HOLIDAY God: YOU'D LOSE ONE T-Rex: Utahraptor!! Utahraptor: You hollered? T-Rex: You were WRONG, bro! T-Rex: You tried to play off slowing down the Earth like we'd all get an extra holiday, but we're actually gonna LOSE holidays! What are we gonna cancel, huh?? CHRISTMAS? BOXING DAY? VALENTINE'S DAY? BOXING DAY (OBSERVED)?? Utahraptor: That one. T-Rex: Wait, yeah, that one is obviously the one we'll dump. Narrator: AND THAT'S THE TRUE STORY OF WHY WE ONLY HAVE ONE BOXING DAY NOW. T-Rex: What an amazing and true AND ALSO EXTREMELY SATISFYING tale!
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2767

• god says "xmas" and i don't know why

  T-Rex: Which bro did not forget about buying Christmas presents for his friends this year?? I'll give you a hint: it's a bro who is saying this sentence right? NOW. T-Rex: That's right, it's me: your awesome friend T-Rex! T-Rex: I bought presents for this year in MARCH, Dromiceiomimus. March TWO YEARS AGO. Do you know how crazy that is? FINALLY, Past Me set it up so that Present Me wins! Dromiceiomimus: Congratulations? I guess? The ability to envision possible futures is one thing that separates us from the animals. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus!! That's RACISMS Utahraptor: So what'd you get me? T-Rex: Oh, don't worry! It's something awesome. T-Rex: And to stop you from finding it, I hid it well within my house: it's INSIDE THE WALLS, dude. I haven't touched it since I put it there, safe and sound, two years ago!! Utahraptor: Haven't you moved since then? T-Rex: AW FRIG ALL MY PRESENTS ARE STUCK IN MY OLD HOUSE God: T-REX IS IT TIME FOR XMAS BREAKS AND ENTERS T-Rex: Nope! Instead I'll buy new presents and leave those ones as a gift to whoever demolishes the house!! God: OKAY God: WHEN I TELL THIS STORY I'M GONNA SAY YOU DID XMAS BREAKS AND ENTERS
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2108

• NORAD has tracked His movements for half a century, for all we can do is stand mutely and watch as He seeds His madness.

  T-Rex: An ageless elder god slumbers in the Arctic, sole remnant of a long-dead, unknowable race. His body is not of flesh and blood, but of bones, teeth, and cartilage, barely contained in a straining red and white suit: a shambling parody of life. Narrator: CASE 1023 Narrator: "SANTA" T-Rex: For millennia His mind has reached out from the Arctic, shaping our dreams, twisting our perceptions until the only image anyone can retain when not directly looking at Him is the implanted memory of a smiling, jolly old man. Dromiceiomimus: Every year He awakens from his frozen slumber. Every year He comes to us all. T-Rex: Every year we try to stop Him and every year we fail. Utahraptor: Agents, you will know Him by His gifts left behind. T-Rex: All are illusions. Utahraptor: Their horrifying true nature is incomprehensible, our gibbering madness instantly subsumed by happy memories of toys and chocolate the second we look away. Estimates put 10% of all consumer goods in the world as being His. T-Rex: We CLOTHE OURSELVES in them. We EAT them. We share them with our KIDS. T-Rex: Specially-drugged Agents have retained glimpses of the true nature of His gifts, but at the cost of shattering their sanity beyond any recovery. WHAT PRESENTS DOES HE BRING US?? T-Rex: I suppose we'll all briefly find out tonight. Happy holidays, Agents, and a very merry Christmas!!
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2756

• the movie version should be called "Case #1023 Is Coming To Town" and ends with Rudolph putting on the Old Silk Hat, his organic-matter-destroying radiation becoming a separate entity, and then Case #1023 it forced to -- but I don't want to spoil it!

  Narrator: CASE FILE #1024 / THE SLED T-Rex: Thank you all for coming: I remind you this meeting is classified. This briefing is about a superficially ordinary cargo sled under the control of case #1023, usually used on Christmas Eve. T-Rex: This sled allows access to millions of complicit families, all within a single 24-hour period! Dromiceiomimus: While the reasons for these visits remain classified - thankfully obscured by constructed myth - the method used for them can be shared with you today: Agents, this sled allows for selective logical addition of quantum realities. Put simply: elements of alternate timelines can be merged into our own. T-Rex: If you choose 100 randomly-selected houses to deliver presents to - Utahraptor: - then there's an alternate reality where 100 different houses were chosen! T-Rex: Precisely. Doctor? Utahraptor: Subject interfaced with the Sled can selectively collapse those realities into ours, which results in a final timeline in which every good little girl and boy gets a present. T-Rex: When "Rudolph" went against "Frosty" this afternoon, he failed. But we were able to use the Sled. And now, he was successful. T-Rex: But overwriting the trillions of timelines in which we failed with our only victory led to some side-effects, including 175,250,000 alternative "Rudolph" corpses that materialized in a fused-together mound near the North Pole. T-Rex: Cleanup duty begins at 0800. Dismissed!
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2336

• finally this spot was meant as an archive title but i mostly use it to talk about how many showers i've had today (wednesday, so far: one and one half)

  T-Rex: Hello Morris! How are you today? Morris: oh hello there t-rex! it's super nice to see a friendly face today T-Rex: It's nice to see you too, Morris! Morris: aw shucks t-rex, you're a real good friend, you know that? a real good friend. anyway, you should be extra careful not to eat me today or anything because i guess i got turned into a zombie last night! today has definitely had its share of challenges for me, huh T-Rex: What?! Seriously? Morris: yeah! and i dunno what i did wrong because i went to bed like normal last night but when i woke up in the morning i had zombie disease! so it was real embarrassing Morris:but don't worry, i'm not going to turn you guys into zombies too! i wouldn't be a very good friend if i did that, and the book i got at the centre says that being a good friend is awful important! Morris:i always try to be a good friend, even though things pretty often don't work out very well for me in the end Utahraptor: Aw, Morris! You don't look very undead to me! Morris: aw, that probably just means i've messed up somewhere again. the problem is that i'm not real good at biting people, you know? and biting people is all zombies do! i didn't know, but being a zombie is an awful hassle Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure you're not actually undead, Morris! Normally zombies can't talk. T-Rex: Yeah, or work on their Life Challenges! I think you're FINE. Morris: you mean i'm doing that wrong too? oh goodness, i must be the worst zombie going. plus that book i got from the centre is way overdue! T-Rex: It's not too late to return it, Morris! Morris: but i promised the staff there that i'd be extra certain to return it on time! Morris: i guess i'm probably off your christmas card list this year, huh t-rex
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1012

• ♫ I saw mommy kissing Case #1023 ♪

  Narrator: CASE FILE #5219 Narrator: RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER T-Rex: Thank you all for coming: I remind you this meeting is classified. "Rudolph" is an English-speaking reindeer who can fly. T-Rex: Obviously if these were his only traits he'd be filed under Case #4739 with the others! T-Rex: But he's distinguished by his strange nose, which emits radiation through an unknown but presumed organic process. A fraction of this radiation exists at the high end of the visible spectrum, and as such, his "red nose" has been used by Case #1023 as a guide - always on foggy Christmas Eves. Dromiceiomimus: And yet, as all motorists know, using a bright light in fog actually reduces visibility. What's going on here? Utahraptor: The answer is simple: this light exists outside public radiological models. T-Rex: Please, Dr. Utahraptor, proceed! Utahraptor: Long-range readings suggest this light somehow destroys H2O molecules on contact, absorbing nucleonic energy as fuel for further charged-photonic output. As we're each over 50% water, any direct exposure to "Rudolph" is to be avoided. T-Rex: His utility in fog now becomes evident. There's just one more thing! T-Rex: His belief he'll "go down in history", combined with his powerful nose, makes him one of the most unpredictable and dangerous entities above the 60th patallel. Agents: if and when he does decide to go down in history, we must ensure he's on the right side of it. T-Rex: Dismissed! {{title text: This belief in historical significance is constantly reaffirmed by the other linguistic reindeer of Case #4739, who have been observed shouting it out with what appears to be glee. Extreme caution around these animals is recommended at all times.}}
  
  

  http://qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2334