( searching 1042 episodes of Wondermark!)

• #377; In which Progress looks likely

  KATIE: The big rallying cry for every election is 'change.' End corruption! Free democracy from the crushing grip of special interests! KATIE: What happened to the last crew we elected to bring about change? We're no closer now to the utopia they promised us last election. Why do we think this bunch will do any better? FATHER: I think the realities of the political process probably mainstream the radicalism out of anybody, just in the name of being able to get anything accomplished at all. KATIE: So if we feed the system visionaries, and it spits them out as mediocrities...then what we need is some sort of EXTREME DOUBLE MEGA-VISIONARY who'll get worn down to the level of 'visionary.' FATHER: In other words, we should elect the most crazy nutball wackjob out there. WALT HOPPENDORF: Mr. Gax, can you offer details about your plan to solve Social Security while also developing a new biofuel? [[Mr. Gax is a dinosaur wearing a suit]] MR. GAX: IF ELECTED, I PLEDGE TO FEED ALL HUMANS OVER SIXTY INTO THE INSATIABLE FURNACE OF MY GALACTIC DEATH-CRUISER {{header: pull the lever at WONDERMARK.COM}} {{alt-text: ALSO I WILL OUTLAW TREE SAP}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/377/

• #819; What a Mean, Scary Life

  Mr. Meanscary: Gax, nobody's afraid of you because you're cool. You say what's on your mind and don't take crap from anybody. People look up to you! They desperately want to be cool enough to be your friend. I look up to you. Mr. Meanscary: I'm thrice-divorced. I'm allergic to balloons. I have Hepatitis F. I was caught trying shoplift a Happy Meal toy for my kid and now I can't get within fifty yards of a hamburger. Once, my milk went bad in the fridge and I drank it because I didn't feel like I deserved to have fresh milk. Mr. Meanscary: I just emit something. Trigger some kind of primal brain-stem revulsion. People aren't afraid that I'll hurt them. They're afraid that I'll rub off on them. That's why people like you. Because they hope you will. Mr. Meanscary: <<sniff sniff>> That, and your skin secretes serotonin. Gax: I know! The fear pheromone! That's what's got me so puzzled! {{header: a contact high from WONDERMARK.COM}} {{alt-text: Mr Meanscary's favorite TV show is The Biggest Loser.}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/819/

• #840; In which it's All for All

  Woman: Despite our differences in opinion, it's important for us to work toward the best interests of the country as a whole, and STAND TOGETHER AS FELLOW AMERICANS. Ethnic man: Why so provincial? We may be citizens of different nations, but we are all human beings. Should we not support one another for the betterment of ALL MANKIND? Gax: You SMALL-MINDED humans! You are but ONE TINY SPECIES in the greater galactic class of ZETA-BEINGS, a family that also includes GAXIANS, the FAPRAHKK CRAB MONSTERS, AND the sentient slime mold of Mokress Omega Seven! What benefits the SLIME MOLD, benefits MAN! Whale: You BIGOTED ZETAS! ALL carbonate classes are hatched with INALIENABLE RIGHTS granted by the DUSTY SPACE WHALE. We must work TOGETHER to honor the WHALE! Gax: Will you SHUT UP about your BLUBBER GOD {{header: all part of WONDERMARK.COM}} {{alt-text: NOT cool, dude. That's OUR word.}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/840/

• #687; In which Santa appears at last

  LAURENCE: Guess who's here, kids! Santa Claus! SANTA: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! KIDS: YAAAAYYYYY EMMA: Oh, Laurence. You did it! You really found a Santa! Where?how?? LAURENCE: I know some people who know some people. I told you I'd handle it! SANTA [[off-panel]]: Were you kids good this year? Did you eat sufficient numbers of plants? KIDS [[also off-panel]]: We ate some plants SANTA: Santa is very concerned with your cellulose intake! It's how he tracks you! I've also brought some pickled marzipan! Its horridness will stimulate your bile ducts and make you smell less appetizing to the stingroaches I have also brought you. You should start taking their venom in small doses now, while you are still larval. Be cautious! They are not tame. LAURENCE: STICK TO THE SCRIPT. SANTA [[now revealed to be our friend GAX]]: I'm the one doing YOU the favor here! {{header: he knows when you've been to WONDERMARK.COM}} {{alt-text: Becoming immune to stingroach venom will help you stay conscious through the Cleansing. (Christmas is a bit different on Gax.)}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/687/

• #723; Our Existing Problems, plus This

  ANDY: What are the odds that a planet in a far-off galaxy would have the name Mexico? And also be known by the names Honduras, Guatemala, etc.? CARLOS: I do not know why this seems unlikely. Clearly we occupy a universe in which it has occurred. What is the probability that you wore a hat today? ONE POINT ZERO. It is certain. WENDY: Exactly. Is it odd or unlikely that we happened to land on a planet where there also resides a Gaxian? it is not odd. It is not unlikely. CARLOS: It is unfortunate...but, ah WENDY: ...it has happened. WENDY: Our flesh is poisonous to Gaxian biology! GAX: JUST BECAUSE I'M ON A DIET DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T LOOK AT THE MENU {{header: lick your lips at WONDERMARK.COM}} {{alt-text: JUST BECAUSE I'M ILLITERATE DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T SNIFF A BOOK IF I WANT TO}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/723/

• #777; In which We are in Their Debt

  - Did you know that a whopping 47 percent of members of Congress are millionaires? - I should hope so! - But they may be overtly using their political power to enrich themselves! Or at the very least you know they're gonna have a tough time being fair-minded when it comes to representing less-well-off constituents! - Who would you rather take the alien overlords out to dinner? Poor people? - Those invisible death-ships are trigger-happy, man. I want those ambassadors wined and dined and bought whatever they want. / The rich can get rich and stay rich and get even richer so long as they stay a step ahead of the expensive tastes of the monsters who hold the planet's survival in their volatile claws! - You really believe that the super-rich are protecting the rest of us from intergalactic annihilation? - Of course! / I mean the alternative is just too distressing. {{header: defend from WONDERMARK.COM}} {{alt-text: Where is Gax in this scenario??}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/777/

• #586; The Ancestral Diet

  [[CLIVE addresses his guests.]] CLIVE: The premise of the ANCESTRAL DIET is to eat foods native to the homelands of your ancestors. Over the millennia, your family THRIVED on this food. Your tribe and your clan ADAPTED to it. THIS food made your great-great-great-great-grandparents strong enough to reproduce. Your DNA is ATTUNED to it. So for me, that would be Scandinavian foods. Lots of fish, beets and apples. STAVROS: For me it would be Mediterreanean olives, yougurts, figs and dates! SANJAY: For me it would be Indian food: Curries, rice and lentils. GAX: This is OUTRAGEOUS. The closest thing to ancestral Gaxian cuisine around here is all you people's KIDNEYS. Chemically speaking. {{Header: chow down at WONDERMARK.COM}} {{Alt-text: Well regardless I have already processed your credit card for the seminar}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/586/

• #823; Mean, Scary Gax, Part 7 (of 9)

  [[Sylvia talks with Mr. Meanscary.]] Gax: WATER GIVES GAXIANS GAS Sylvia: Ammonia, then. Mr. Meanscary: Hello, Sylvia. Mr. Meanscary: Before you say anything - I'm SORRY about what I said. I was just so ANGRY with - with MYSELF. Sylvia: I'll scream. I swear to god I will scream. Mr. Meanscary: NO! Just - just - Mr. Meanscary: AAH Mr. Meanscary: I KNOW I'm no good. But you FIX that. You make me feel WORTHWHILE. I don't know how I'd get BY without you. Sylvia: You ARE good, Herbert, but you refuse to OWN it. I can't be your CRUTCH. If YOU can't believe in yourself, why should anybody else? Why should I? Sylvia: You can pity yourself all you like. But you will do it ALONE. Mr. Meanscary: Don't LEAVE me, Sylvia! I LOVE YOU! [[Mr. Meanscary presents a horrifying starfish-like hair clump.]] Mr. Meanscary: I made a hairball doll of our future child Sylvia: EEK! WHAT A HORRID CREATURE! Sylvia: Get AWAY! Get AWAY from me! Mr. Meanscary: FINE! Just like the REST! HATE me for being who I can't change! You're shallow, Sylvia! SHALLOW! Sylvia: What a HORROR you are! Sylvia: You WRETCHED piece of FILTH! Mr. Meanscary: I WILL TAKE THIS OVER INDIFFERENCE {{header: come back to WONDERMARK.COM}} {{alt-text: "The pendulum SWINGS, Sylvia!!"}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/823/

• 180; In which Mortality factors

  [[A guy is reading the newspaper, with another man with a pipe looking over his shoulder.]] Guy: It says here that smoking is the number one cause of death for men aged 25-30. Man: Well, good thing I'm not a man, then! [[The guy is still reading, with a woman beside him now.]] Guy: And women are at great risk for breast cancer, osteoporosis, and hysteria. Woman: Um, well... good thing I'm not a woman! [[Now the guy, still with the newspaper, is accompanied by a big dinosaur-looking thing.]] Guy: All humans eventually die of cancer, if nothing else. Gaxian: Ha ha! Humans are suckers! Good thing I'm an alien from planet Gax! Guy: Gaxians are at especially high risk for scabies. Gaxian: Hey, you want to know the number one cause of death for impudent earthlings? ME {{header: mortals welcome at WONDERMARK.COM}} {{alt-text: also not having attended earth kindergarten he would not have developed an immunity to cooties}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/180/

• #419; In which an Enterprise fails spectacularly

  [[Two GAXIANS, sapient reptiles (human bodies with long necks and lizard heads), are outside a boarded-up building. To the left is a sign with a banner attached. The MALE GAXIAN sits dejectedly in a chair.]] SIGN: HOUSE SPECIAL / Customer's entrails are torn from their body and fed to them in a broth of vomit. BANNER: AUTHENTIC GAXIAN CUISINE! MALE GAXIAN: OPEN A RESTAURANT, she said. PEOPLE LOVE REGIONAL FOOD, she said! {{Header: clean your plate at WONDERMARK.COM}} {{alt-text: in retrospect it was also probably a bad idea to serve, instead of ice water, flesh-dissolving acid that looked and tasted exactly like ice water}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/419/

• #1079; Of Genocide in General

  [[A welldressed Gaxian is talking to a man lounging on a couch.]] Gaxian: Enjoying Thanksgiving? Human: I'd get into it more if we could stop making NATIONAL HEROES out of the villains from The Scarlet Letter Gaxian: Bummed by all the genocide, huh? Gaxian: If it helps, the first Americans THEMSELVES genocided their predecessors, the WUGOTAI HAT PEOPLE Human: That both isn't true and doesn't help [[The Gaxian leans in to continue speaking.]] Gaxian: And YOUR society, the monsters of the moment, will be genocided soon enough by the direhawks of Ahad-Zul Gaxian: The THEY'LL get genocided by the paleocarnated volcano elves... who themselves will fall quite dramatically to the STAR-KIN STARFISH... who won't last DAY against the slime mold of Mokress Omega Seven through Nine Human: WHAT are you TALKING about [[The Gaxian's neck bends into an angular shape; he sweats, flustered.]] Gaxian: I Gaxian: Have said way way way way way WAY too much {{header: outlast WONDERMARK.COM}} {{alt-text: You can always tell when a Gaxian is flustered because their neck goes all boomerang.}}
  
  

  http://wondermark.com/1k79/