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Achewood - February 19, 2008
Caption: ACHEWOOD HISTORY THEATRE PRESENTS Caption: THE PLANNING OF THE TRANSATLANTIC CABLE STARRING Caption: CYRUS WEST FIELD / ISAMBARD KINGDOM BRUNEL / RAY SMUCKLES / AND / SHANTY THE YORKSHIRE TERRIER Caption: LONDON, 1856 Field: I propose that the transatlantic telegraph cable be suspended from a plenitude of kites, which are to be held aloft at all times by wind! [[Ray Smuckles wears a top hat and has large, Victorian sideburns.]] Smuckles: Hell of impractical, Mr. Field. The cable must go underwater on the ocean floor, or birds are gonna sit on it and take like a zillion craps. Field: Do not listen to this man! Should the cable descend below the surface of the sea, it shall surely be devoured by the many fishes! Smuckles: A problem easily solved. We will wipe the cable with dogs, so it becomes offensive to all creatures. Field: Hm. Mr. Smuckles' reasoning has given me pause. Yes, let us use dogs. Brunel: I have built a steam ship which can house ten thousand mongrels! Your endeavor shall not want for the horrors of the canine body. Smuckles: Gentlemen, let us begin at once. I shall gather the buckets of vomit with which to attract thousands of free dogs. {{Brunel's diagram shows strong, shirtless men swabbing the cable with great double-handfuls of dogs.}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02192008
Achewood - June 3, 2005
{{Ray dropped his medallion in the Volvo of Despair. It has hell of properties, perhaps enough to save Beef (who is still trapped in the Volvo) although Mr. Bear is skeptical.}} [[Ray and Mr. Bear arguing outside]] Ray: Fine, then! Don't be any help at all! BE completely a dick! [[Ray is on the cell phone, waiting for Beef to pick up]] Ray: Yo Beef! Hey, man. Yo: did I, like, completely leave my medallion in the Volvo? [[Ray listens]] [[Back view]] Ray: Phew! Oh, good. Good, man. RELIEF. Jesus. [[Front view]] Ray: Listen, would you do me a big favor and put it around your neck for safekeeping? Ray: No, I'd really feel better if you wore it. It might fall out if you put it in your pocket. Ray: Cool. Thanks, man. You got it around your neck now? [[Ray smiles.]] Ray [[Satisfied expression]]: Feels kinda nice, huh? Yeah, it's got a real good weight to it! [[Back view]] Ray: Heh! Yeah, it IS kind of like there's a party around your neck, and everyone within reason is invited! [[Front view. Ray seems just a little distressed.]] Ray: I...hold on, what? Ray: Okay, uh huh, right. I, uh...Ray loves you too. Ray: Uh, no, I guess we don't say it enough. Ray [[definitely not feeling very good about this scene]]: Well, that's the thing. I think promising to say it every day is kind of too much, you know? Ray: It would be like if the Queen woke you up every morning. Too Special. {{alt-text: After a while it would just be like Hey come on there is so much pressure to look really decent}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06032005
Achewood - October 27, 2005
[[Little Nephew is holding a book]] Little Nephew: Man, this guy got in the Guinness book of World Records just for havin' long-ass fingernails? Daaamn...what can I get in for... Little Nephew [[Thinking]]: Ate so much cheese that he became rude and raunchy... Nah. Cheese costs hell of cash money. Drove a 1973 Honda Civic into a kake going one inch per hour, Everyone watching became insane from the stress. Nah. No way to count on people going insane. But on the other hand it would take so long that national news outlets could catch on and do a countdown! [[Excited]] I could webcast the whole thing, say I was at an "unnamed lake" and "accepting donations!" Man, I could clear five digits just for threatening to drive a Honda into a lake on the Internet! [[SOON. Lakeside. Honda car is being driven very slowly to a lake. Webcam is seen in first plane.]] [[KTV7 EXTREME UPDATE]] In other top news, a local boy is driving into a lake at 1'' per hour unless dmands are met. Is accepting donations. Experts predict 96-Hour event cycle based on length of car. Washington forensics experts analyzing shoreline from grainy webcam composites. {{Alt Text: A boy has threatened to drive a car into a lake on the Internet.}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272005
Achewood - October 27, 2005
[[Little Nephew is holding a book]] Little Nephew: Man, this guy got in the Guinness book of World Records just for havin' long-ass fingernails? Daaamn...what can I get in for... Little Nephew [[Thinking]]: Ate so much cheese that he became rude and raunchy... Nah. Cheese costs hell of cash money. Drove a 1973 Honda Civic into a kake going one inch per hour, Everyone watching became insane from the stress. Nah. No way to count on people going insane. But on the other hand it would take so long that national news outlets could catch on and do a countdown! [[Excited]] I could webcast the whole thing, say I was at an "unnamed lake" and "accepting donations!" Man, I could clear five digits just for threatening to drive a Honda into a lake on the Internet! [[SOON. Lakeside. Honda car is being driven very slowly to a lake. Webcam is seen in first plane.]] [[KTV7 EXTREME UPDATE]] In other top news, a local boy is driving into a lake at 1'' per hour unless dmands are met. Is accepting donations. Experts predict 96-Hour event cycle based on length of car. Washington forensics experts analyzing shoreline from grainy webcam composites. {{Alt Text: A boy has threatened to drive a car into a lake on the Internet.}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10272005
Achewood - August 29, 2006
[[Roast Beef is on the phone (it is not implied who he is talking to, Pat or Ray)]] RB: Dogg we sayin' up hell of yo mama jokes in my place RB: Yeah right no limits knuckles style exactly [[Pat, Beef, and Ray are standing outside on the lawn hurling "Yo mama" jokes at each other. There is a grill cooking three hot dogs.]] Pat: Yo mama smokes so much meth, the put the tooth fairy up at the Radisson! RB: Yo mama was so small and deformed, in the school play she was a potato with a hearing aid! Ray: Yo mama so crass, she smokes a cigar and eats shrimp cocktail on the bus! RB: Yo mama s ugly, she tucks her bridge toll into her harelip! Pat: Yo mama so primitive, after she uses the bathroom her hind legs scrape at the floor! Ray: Yo mama so grouchy, she slaps the doorknob before she turns it! RB: Yo mama got such a thick beard, you catch her and the bitch says where the treasure is hidden! Ray: Yo mama's on the no fly list 'cause she got two hook feet and the croup! Pat: yo mama so greedy, she won't pee. Ray: Yo mama's so poor, Somalia sent her a cup of water with plastic wrap over the top! Pat: Yo mama got such bad breath, dogs get calories by huffin' her mouth! RB: Yo mama got such long buck teeth, she can cut her food while noddin' and lookin' you in the eye! {{alt text: Is it a Fuck You Friday? I think Pat stole my glasses and I can't find my notes.}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=08292006
Achewood - THE ROAST BEEF DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART
A1: ARE YOU DEPRESSED? A2: IS IT BAD? A3: THEN TRY TO GET SOME CODING DONE A4: AT LEAST TRY TO OPEN THE BLINDS A5: IS THERE ANYTHING IN THE FRIDGE? A6: DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SOME TV? A7: CALL FOR SOME CHINESE DELIVERY A8: am I craving Chinese food because I'm dying? A9: AT ANY RATE YOU NEED A SHOWER IT'S BEEN LIKE SIX DAYS A10: DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IT TOGETHER ENOUGH TO DO SOME READING? A11: YOU NEED TO EAT SOMETHING YOU KNOW HOW YOU GET A12: (EATS SPOONFUL OF PEANUT BUTTER) A13: OH WELL [[Roast Beef looking somber.]] A14: OK THEN READ ONLINE NEWS FOR A WHILE A15: EAT SOME PEANUT BUTTER A16: IF YOU ONLY DO ONE THING TODAY YOU NEED TO EAT SOME GOD DAMNED PEANUT BUTTER A17: YES! A18: HI! [[THE ROAST BEEF DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART]] A1-A2: YES A1-A5: YES A2-A3: JUST BUSINESS AS USUAL A2-A6: YES A3-A4: NOT FEELIN' IT A5-A6: NOT LIKELY A5-A10: CAN'T BEAR TO LOOK A6-A7: OH GOD PLEASE NOT JUDGE JUDY THAT WOMAN IS HELL OF TERRIBLE *picture of Judge Judy* A6-A11: DEFINITELY NOT A7-A3: NO WAY THAT STUFF HAS MAD SODIUM A7-A8: N/T A8-A7: N/T A7-A9: TOO EXPENSIVE A9-A4: NO A9-A13: I CAN'T THE LIGHT BURNED OUT IN THERE A10-A11: NO A10-A14: JUST ONLINE BUT DEFINITELY NOT LIKE BOOKS A11-A12: FINE A11-A15: LEAVE ME ALONE A15-A16: IT PROBABLY WENT ALL NASTY WITH THAT OIL ON TOP A16-A12: STOP YELLING AT ME! A12-A7: MMM TASTY [[PHILIPPE'S DECISION-MAKING FLOWCHART]] [[Philippe looking gleeful.]] A17-A18: N/T A18-A17: N/T

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02282007
Achewood - September 7, 2005
[[Roast Beef is sitting in a chair reading. Ray struts in sporting facial hair]] Ray: Yo check it! Jealous much, anybody? [[Ray looks despondent]] Roast Beef: Oh dogg do not tell me you wear the bloatee Ray: Bloatee? What? [[Ray standing, Roast Beef sitting]] Roast Beef: When a dude of gravity tries to distinguish his neck from his face by arbitrarily shaping facial hair that is the bloatee [[Ray angrily points down at Roast Beef]] Ray: I ain't "of gravity!" I'm in good shape! [[Roast Beef looks up at Ray]] Roast Beef: Plus that thing is so hell of wispy a spider covets [[Ray throws up his hands]] Ray: Man, you know French people got it light on the face! I can't help if it's on the thin side! [[Roast Beef turns back to his book]] Roast Beef: Dogg I cannot brook the gossamer bloatee [[Ray is standing, angrily pointing down. Roast Beef is sitting, reading]] Ray: Well , tough. It's here to stay. I look like a goddamned Musketeer and I mean to kick much ass. [[Roast Beef continues to read his book]] Roast Beef: You look like Three Musketeers gave you cauliflower ass [[Ray looks back at us over his shoulder and slaps his right butt cheek]] <<SLAP! SLAP>> Ray: TIGHT AS A DRUM! SNAP SNAP! LISTEN TO MY DRUM SONG! [[Ray angrily looms over an irritated, still reading Roast Beef]] Ray: OH, HOW THE PEOPLE WILL MARCH! {{title text: How many cauliflower asses clenched in anger at panel 3? Be honest. It's the comb-over of the Internet age.}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=09072005
Achewood - October 9, 2007
[[Cornelius is sitting in an easy chair, reading, a martini on an end-table next to him]] Ray: Alright Connie, I need a Todd bio written. You think you got two hundred pages in you? Cornelius: With bright, spacious typography, "wink-nudge" margins, and pull quotes that run to three pages, such an undertaking could hardly be expected to make the century mark. Ray: Just make it up, dude! Ray: I actually want it to be hella interestin' and sad -- kind of end on a massive heart attack in the gutter sort of note --- Ray: ...not just five hundred accounts of Todd gettin' high on brick cleaner and cussin' on the couch. [[Cornelius sips from his martini]] Cornelius: Very well. What's the occasion? Birthday present for yourself? <<s-sup>> Ray: Daaamn! Interesting idea! HELL of interesting! "Custom novels where people you hate end up chumped!" Cornelius: I'd think wealthier clients could afford such labor-intensive vanity purchases. Ray: We doin' this! We Can Do This! Forget about Todd! SOON. [[Excerpt from story]] Bill Gates stood at the top of the ski slope, laughing, while Steve Jobs slipped and skidded to the bottom on his belly, whimpering all the way. He hadn't told him it was double-black-diamond rated! Jobs looked a right fool down there, blood leaking from a badly scraped chin. "No-one will want to eat at HIS table in the lodge tonight!" sneered Gates. {{title-text: Is there already a lot of Bill Gates vs. Steve Jobs fan fiction out there?}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10092007
Achewood - March 7, 2008
AN AFTERNOON WITH... Molly Sanders {{strip in the same style as the other thought flowcharts for other characters}} Molly: Beef? Did you hear that? Beef: "Dammit woman ain't been no sounds" Molly: I heard something at the front door! [OPEN DOOR] Molly: Philippe! How long have you been standing there? You're shivering! [BRING HIM INSIDE] Philippe: "M-M-Molly, c-c-can I ask you a question about Jesus?" Beef: "Why ain't you just knock on the damn door you got a question like that" Molly: Beef! He's just a little kid! It's scary to ask about Jesus! [[In Private]] Never mind him, Philippe. I lost a bet and now he gets to act like an angry blue-collar father all day. What was your question, sweetie? Philippe: "If Jesus was a dog, would he wear a cape and walk on two legs?" Molly: He sure would! Let me draw you a picture. Beef: "Dammit woman" Philippe: "Oh boy!" [[picture of a dog with its tongue hanging out standing upright and wearing a cape]] Philippe: "Wow! You are a good artist, Molly! Can we show that he has been eating chocolate?" Molly: Okay! Beef: "Dammit woman don't let the boy believe that dogs can enjoy cocoa-based products" Molly: Beef! Put a sock in it! [[same picture of the dog, but now there is chocolate around his mouth and on his paw]] Philippe"Ha ha! Cool! Can we make a comic book about him?" Molly: Sure! Beef: "Dammit woman do not set the boy to wicked schemes" Molly: Shut up, Beef. [[cover of a comic by P & M entitled 'Jesus - The Dog Who had some Serious Religion Chops']] Beef: "Dammit woman do not represent our lord as a golden lab that is hell of sacrilage" Picture of Jesus on the wall: I'd be more like a basenji (E#m chord on organ) Beef: 'You hear that woman he'd be more like a basenji dammit why does no one listen to me" {{Alt-Text: Seriously, golden labs are like that part at the very end of Flowers For Algernon}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03072008
Roast Beef's 'Zine
[[Roast Beef is looking through a cardboard box.]] Beef: (thinking) Oh dang wow my old high school 'zine that I used to make [[He reads the 'zine]] LISTEN UP ACHEWOOD UNIFIED HIGH SCHOOL It's... THE PRIVATE EYE [[Next to the title is a clip art kitten wearing a pilgrim hat.]] your editor Ed E. Haskell [[The first column:]] Cod is Nasty by Ed E. Haskell Why do they serve us nasty old cod at lunch break. We asked lunch lady Doris Marsh why the fish is so nasty and she got pretty mad. She said that she worked a long day to feed us and her husband was in the army thirty years so we could live free cont [[A picture of a real cat with a black censor bar over its eyes has the caption:]] Guess which teacher hit his wife on the A-student field trip [[The second column:]] Supt. Clemens Has Fat Thighs Which is Unusual for a Man by Ed E. Haskell Men tend to store fat on the belly, but rebel fat-storer Supt. H. Clemens stores his fat on his rear and thighs while having a normal middle. When asked via phone if this was his way of supporting women's rights cont [[in a box in the third column]] STICK CORNER--rearrange this... [[The Van Halen logo]] to be this [[an angular geometric design]] by moving only two sticks</> [[Below the Stick Corner:]] CLASSIFIEDS Garden Hose. Price optional. Chinese food is hell of scrumptious. Come to Hot Taste Restaurant, and ask them for Thank You. I am the best waiter in that whole place. Thank You. [[At the bottom of the page:]] GUITAR TAB Learn the rockin' new song by Ed E. Haskell Standard tuning [[The tablature spells out "TITS"]] Vol. II No. IV {{alt text: Public institutions should not attempt fish dishes.}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12092004
Roast Beef's 'Zine
[[Roast Beef is looking through a cardboard box.]] Beef: (thinking) Oh dang wow my old high school 'zine that I used to make [[He reads the 'zine]] LISTEN UP ACHEWOOD UNIFIED HIGH SCHOOL It's... THE PRIVATE EYE [[Next to the title is a clip art kitten wearing a pilgrim hat.]] your editor Ed E. Haskell [[The first column:]] Cod is Nasty by Ed E. Haskell Why do they serve us nasty old cod at lunch break. We asked lunch lady Doris Marsh why the fish is so nasty and she got pretty mad. She said that she worked a long day to feed us and her husband was in the army thirty years so we could live free cont [[A picture of a real cat with a black censor bar over its eyes has the caption:]] Guess which teacher hit his wife on the A-student field trip [[The second column:]] Supt. Clemens Has Fat Thighs Which is Unusual for a Man by Ed E. Haskell Men tend to store fat on the belly, but rebel fat-storer Supt. H. Clemens stores his fat on his rear and thighs while having a normal middle. When asked via phone if this was his way of supporting women's rights cont [[in a box in the third column]] STICK CORNER--rearrange this... [[The Van Halen logo]] to be this [[The Dead Kennedys logo]] by moving only two sticks</> [[Below the Stick Corner:]] CLASSIFIEDS Garden Hose. Price optional. Chinese food is hell of scrumptious. Come to Hot Taste Restaurant, and ask them for Thank You. I am the best waiter in that whole place. Thank You. [[At the bottom of the page:]] GUITAR TAB Learn the rockin' new song by Ed E. Haskell Standard tuning [[The tablature spells out "TITS"]] Vol. II No. IV {{alt text: Public institutions should not attempt fish dishes.}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12092004
The R.S.V.P.
[[Roast Beef is sitting in a chair, reading the paper.]] Roast Beef (thinks): Let's see if I can spend five minutes not thinkin' about this damn wedding <<Rustle>> [[Close-up of the paper. It reads: POLICE BLOTTER June 10 South Walnut - A miscreant wearing headphones knocked over an elderly man's iced coffee, and then cackled as he ran away. Old Public Bridge - A man in a tank top leered at several female joggers and said that he was "Not religious, not religious at all." Emerson Rd. - A drifter drinking a Tequiza walked into the Lucky supermarket and threw several handfuls of button mushrooms into the bell pepper bin, claiming to be "Out of control like Sammy Hagar." He was gone when the police arrived.]] Roast Beef (thinks): Man it sounds like fool season opened up today I should get Molly some mace [[Close-up of the paper. It reads: Downtown - A man in his early thirties offered to do "Tequiza push-ups" in front of a group of local teenagers. He then demonstrated by doing a push-up, drinking a Tequiza, and then repeating the process twice, at which point the teenagers declined his offer. East Achewood - A visibly intoxicated patron admitted to the bartender at the Mud Scow that he was, "Not the sort of person you'd want planning a hospital." East Achewood - A man who used "Iran" and "Iraq" interchangeably during a violent and rambling pro-war tirade was thrown out of the Mud Scow. He was later arrested for mixing cucumbers into the zucchini bin at Lucky supermarket.]] Roast Beef (thinks): Why does this... Why does this all seem so... familiar... <<R-R-RING!>> [[Roast Beef is standing now, and on the telephone.]] Telephone: Sir, this is the Achewood Police Department. Are you the brother of a Mr. "Showbiz" Kazenzakis? Roast Beef: Yeah uh you tell him this is one hell of a way to announce that he'll be in town for my wedding Telephone: You can tell him yourself when you come post his bail. {{title text: That it's this particular fool only makes Beef's resolve to get mace that much stronger.}}

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06102008
Achewood - May 12, 2005
[[Conrelius reads a letter]] [[Cornelius leaves the letter on a table, and walks away, unhappy]] [[Cornelius looks out a window]] [[Cornelius grimaces, back to the window, arms crossed]] Letter on Harlequin letterhead (middle column): Dear Cornelius, Am very happy to hear you're back. Hope your Russian sojourn was just the inspiration you needed. Here is a lisf of plots we're hoping to ship this summer. Let me know which interest you. 1) While abroad, a celebrated romantics-situations photographer has become enamored with in "Untouchable"-caste Indian hotel maid, and vice-versa. Class disparities threaten to keep them apart. Will love find a way? [Cornelius: yes.] 320pp. $2500. Due May 15. 2) A wealthy American songstress researches the historical music of Paris, but when her torrid affair with a lowly cheese-boy suffers from class differences, more than just love is at stake. [No-brainer.] 240pp., $1800. Due May 18. 3) The scion of a wealthy shipping family has teased the fiery, red-haired daughter of a longshoreman in their employ since they were tots. Now they are of age, but both know that any romance would threaten to destroy the company's rigid class distinctions. How do they keep their passions hidden from the prying eyes? [Cornelius: they create a set of false identities and rendevous in a different town... until they are discovered. Love eventually finds a way. Just a thought.] 352pp. $2750. Due May 20. Kristi Series Development Harlequin Enterprises Ltd. [[Cornelius looks visibly angry]] [[Cornelius snatches the letter up and rereads it]] <<swipe>> [[Cornelius sits at a typewriter, looking annoyed as he types]] Written: Beneline Aulogois ran her tanned, elegant hand over a fragrent whell of ripened Brie. Born and raised in Ebbs, Texas, one would not have guessed that she would one day rise from her lowly roots to become a world-famous pop sensation. <<klak klak klak ting!>>

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122005
Achewood - May 12, 2005
[[Conrelius reads a letter]] [[Cornelius leaves the letter on a table, and walks away, unhappy]] [[Cornelius looks out a window]] [[Cornelius grimaces, back to the window, arms crossed]] Letter on Harlequin letterhead (middle column): Dear Cornelius, Am very happy to hear you're back. Hope your Russian sojourn was just the inspiration you needed. Here is a list of plots we're hoping to ship this summer. Let me know which interest you. 1) While abroad, a celebrated romantics-situations photographer has become enamored with in "Untouchable"-caste Indian hotel maid, and vice-versa. Class disparities threaten to keep them apart. Will love find a way? [Cornelius: yes.] 320pp. $2500. Due May 15. 2) A wealthy American songstress researches the historical music of Paris, but when her torrid affair with a lowly cheese-boy suffers from class differences, more than just love is at stake. [No-brainer.] 240pp., $1800. Due May 18. 3) The scion of a wealthy shipping family has teased the fiery, red-haired daughter of a longshoreman in their employ since they were tots. Now they are of age, but both know that any romance would threaten to destroy the company's rigid class distinctions. How do they keep their passions hidden from the prying eyes? [Cornelius: they create a set of false identities and rendevous in a different town... until they are discovered. Love eventually finds a way. Just a thought.] 352pp. $2750. Due May 20. Kristi Series Development Harlequin Enterprises Ltd. [[Cornelius looks visibly angry]] [[Cornelius snatches the letter up and rereads it]] <<swipe>> [[Cornelius sits at a typewriter, looking annoyed as he types]] Written: B??neline Aulogois ran her tanned, elegant hand over a fragrent whell of ripened Brie. Born and raised in Ebbs, Texas, one would not have guessed that she would one day rise from her lowly roots to become a world-famous pop sensation. <<klak klak klak ting!>>

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05122005

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