( searching 783 episodes of Tree Lobsters!!)

• Tree Lobsters!: #328 The History of the World

  The History Of The World (According To The History Channel) 4,500,000,000 BCE Prehistory. nothing to see here. 3000 BCE Aliens did all sorts of awesome stuff because ancient humans were obviously too stupid to do it. 100 CE A bunch of stuff might've happened. We're not sure. 1503 Nostradamus predicted everything that is ever going to happen. 1566 More stuff happened. Probably. 1933 HITLER!!! 1945 Still more stuff happened. Honestly, if you're really that interested, try Wikipedia. 2010 People with shitty jobs yell at each other. 2012 End of the world! It's true! The Mayans figured it out! (with the help of some aliens, probably) (Oh, and there's the Shroud of Turin. That happened too. But only around the holidays.)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/12/328-history-of-world.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #327 Leastwise

  So, you're the wise one? I am one. And I am wise. Therefore, I am the wise one. And do you have any empirical evidence of your wisdom? To recognize true wisdom, you must be cogitative, contemplative, enlightened, erudite, insightful, intuitive, perceptive, sagacious, sophic, thoughtful, understanding. And I am all these things. I noticed you left out "rational". But seriously, how would an objective observer differentiate between what you call wisdom and, say, a string of self-referential gibberish, liberally sprinkled with synonyms? It all comes down to quantums. I thought it might. (Quantums get blamed for a lot of stuff. When your keys go missing, it's probably quantums. Bastards.)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/12/327-leastwise.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #326 Babble Gibberish Gobbledygook Prattle

  No, the Invisible Space Pickle is not a physical being. The Wise One says, "The Invisible Space Pickle exists as existence, and that existence is infinite unbounded eternal transcendent." Does your wise one have anything more enlightening than a tautology followed by a thesaurus entry? The Wise One's declarations are often difficult to understand. So's someone going "bibble bibble bibble" but that doesn't make it profound. You're not physical? Well, technically... I'd say I'm more cerebral. Nerd. (You left out: incalculable, inestimable, interminable, measureless, supertemporal...)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/12/326-babble-gibberish-gobbledygook.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #325 Selective Pressure

  Online dating site? Yup. Any luck? Nope. What about this one? scluv4u? I don't think I could take seriously anyone who uses both "luv" and "4u" in their user name. OK, this one. Look at the profile photos. They're all badly cropped and this one's sideways. This? Doesn't know the difference between "its" and "it's" This? Serious semicolon abuse. So, what do you think? I think you're going to die alone. (On the bright side, you'll be providing a haven for stray cats up until then.)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/11/325-selective-pressure.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #324 Electile Disfunction

  Is it my imagination or are these presidential candidates becoming increasingly angry and dim-witted? They're like caricatures of what you'd look for in the worst possible candidate. Cartoonish, even. Hello Reince? Have I got an deal for you! YOSEMITE SAM 2012 DURN TOOTIN! (BREAKING NEWS: GOP Frontrunner Drops Out After Scandal Involving Cross-dressing Rabbit)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/11/324-electile-disfunction.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #323 Mistreatments

  OK, I took your advice and got the movie studio to round up some decent scripts. Here's what they got: "An insane supercomputer wipes out nearly all of humanity, keeping a few survivors to torture..." That's "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream", a short story by Harlan Ellison. Best not to plagiarize his stuff. How about: "In a dystopian future where time is rationed and the police are called Timekeepers... That's "Repent, Harlequin! Said the Ticktockman", also written by Ellison. "Three friends from an agrarian society discover their world is part of a massive space ship, headed for..." "Star Lost". Ellison again. "A time-traveling assassin robot..." SERIOUSLY?! (They considered hiring Harlan Ellison to write something but decided against it. He's always suing people ...for some reason.)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/11/323-mistreatments.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #322 Unmoving Pictures

  The movie studio I'm consulting for is having a rough time of it. The best special effects they can manage aren't much better than what you can do on a desktop computer... ...they threw a pile of cash at 3D technology that nobody wants to see... ...and a big chunk of their budget is going to advertising that gets less attention than the average youtube video featuring a piano-playing cat. I'm not sure what they can do to turn things around. How about investing in competent script writing? That's just crazy enough to work! (Also, the whole actor-playing-their-own-twin thing hasn't been cool since the Patty Duke show, so cut it out already.)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/11/322-unmoving-pictures.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #321 Suggestive Content

  Based on your recent purchase of the Canon PowerShot SD1400IS, we're recommending you buy a Canon PowerShot ELPH 300 HS. This of course makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, it's not like you need a new camera already ...unless, y'know, you're really accident prone or something. See, the problem is that our recommendation algorithms don't differentiate between durable goods and consumables. So, we're just as likely to bug you about buying more cameras as we are, say, Doritos. Sure, we could fix it but that would result in fewer emails going out to our customers, and Marketing didn't like that idea. They'd much rather we pester you with useless information to the point where you're so numb that even if we manage to hit on a helpful recommendation, chances are you'll just delete it before rea... *DELETE* (So, how many GPS units will you be buying this month? We've got a deal on six-packs.)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/11/321-suggestive-content.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #320 Waxing Philosophical

  I was in a cult once. They worked us pretty hard. We got up early and made candles all morning. The materials were always in short supply, so you had to make as many as you could as cheaply as you could. In the afternoon, we'd go out and sell the candles at malls and airports. After that we'd have scripture lessons lasting late into the night. If you managed to get any sleep at all, by the time you woke up the candle-making supplies were all spoken for. Wow, that's awful. Yeah. No wicks for the rested. (Yeah, I went there.)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/11/320-waxing-philosophical.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #319 Buzzed

  Hey! What's the word? "Conflate". What? Up until relatively recently, "conflate" was used primarily by pretentious college sophomores trying to look sophisticated. But lately I've noticed an increase in its abuse in larger segments of the population. TV pundits, bloggers, it's even gaining popularity among Twitter users. It's becoming the drug of choice among buzzword abusers. I don't think it's fair to conflate drug use with vernacular trends. Oh no, not you too. Don't judge me! (Next week on Buzzword Intervention: 'monetizing')
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/11/319-buzzed.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #318 Atrocious

  No, we're nothing like those other folk. They use their religion as an excuse to do horrible things. Mass murder, torture. It's just terrible. But followers of your religion have done those same things. That was a long time ago. So, you're arguing that you're less evil because your victims have been dead longer? I don't remember authorizing any mass murder. I think it was slipped into a budget amendment. I really need to start reading those things more carefully. (Yep. Here it is. Page 493, right after Plague Of Gerbils.)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2011/11/318-atrocious.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #342 Movie Night

  Lobster 1: Wanna go see a movie? Lobster 2: What's playing? Lobster 1: A 20-year-old movie re-rendered in nausea-inducing 3-d... Lobster 1: ...A half-assed rip off of The Exorcist... Lobster 1: ...An animated rodent flick that manages to insult the intelligence of 99% of the population... Lobster 1: ...And yet another vampires versus werewolves grudge match. Lobster 2: Somehow I don't think piracy is Hollywood's biggest problem.
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2012/01/342-movie-night.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #341 Running Interference

  Those people down there were just in a horrible traffic accident, and now they're thanking you for saving their lives. Did you really do that? Erm, yeah, I'll take credit for that. So, you interfered with worldly events just enough to save their lives... ...but not quite enough to prevent the accident and save everybody a lot of emotional trauma? Sounds like a bit of a dick move, to be honest. Oh, sure, Monday morning quarterback. (Hey, if I didn't make people miserable once in a while, how would they know how much I care about them? ...or something.)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2012/01/341-running-interference.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #340 Submit!

  Huh. A lot of my submissions to reddit get marked as spam. Really? Let's see... Oh, here's your problem. You're submitting links but not commenting. The filters are flagging that as spam behavior. You should probably comment more. So your solution to an automated system flagging legitimate articles as spam is to change the behavior of the submitter? Your other option is to stubbornly keep posting articles that no one will ever see. Yeah, I'll go with that. Thought so. (From r/comics' heart I stab at thee!)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2012/01/340-submit.html

• Tree Lobsters!: #339 Jacked Up

  And overnight, a giant beanstalk grew up into the clouds. Oh come on! That'd have to be twenty times as tall as the tallest redwoods. It's both biologically and structurally impossible. It's magic. It's bullshit. I didn't hear you complaining when George Lucas pulled "midichlorians" out of his ass. Continue. Thought so. (And no bitching about golden eggs unless you want me bringing up the whole Kessel Run thing.)
  
  

  http://treelobsters.com/2012/01/339-jacked-up.html